How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

KikiLaRue

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Do you reckon she would have any interest in meeting the OP?

She might tbh but I’m not sure how the auld lad would feel about it.

Plopsu

kunst nugget wrote: »

So, it's not George's fault. It's all the deluded women that are to blame...

Who said anything about fault? What fault?

KikiLaRue

Cryptopagan wrote: »

I know people have the best intentions posting this kind of advice, but honestly if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult. Approaching randomers in a pub and offering to buy them drinks will only be awkward for everyone involved, around 99% of the time.

Yes having an active social life and looking after yourself will dramatically improve your chances versus sitting at home, but it won’t necessarily make them “good”

I know lots of people who met there partners around 30. I’ve been single for ages but I don’t take this attitude at all.

And any time a fella has offered to buy me a drink or for my phone number on a night out, I’ve been flattered and delighted even if I wasn’t interested.

What’s awkward about it?

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

George would have more luck if he focused on upping his own game.

Increase chances of finding a woman that he's currently compatible with by changing what he is? Maybe I wasn't clear.
There are as many Georginas as Georges. They are perfect for each other. And yet George is ignored by them just as much as he is by Frederica.

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

Increase chances of finding a woman that he's currently compatible with by changing what he is? Maybe I wasn't clear.
There are as many Georginas as Georges. They are perfect for each other. And yet George is ignored by them just as much as he is by Frederica.

Yes, if you are a boring slobby kind of guy who’s having no luck with women you may have to change who you are... the world doesn’t owe you a partner (this applies to women too)

KikiLaRue

KikiLaRue wrote: »

She might tbh but I’m not sure how the auld lad would feel about it.

im going to have to ask your aul fella to focus on bein part of the solution and not part of the problem here

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Yes, if you are a boring slobby kind of guy who’s having no luck with women you may have to change who you are... the world doesn’t owe you a partner (this applies to women too)

If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

CelticRambler

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I’ll say it again: You’re looking for problems rather than solutions. You’re resistant to new ideas. You don’t want to accept that the problem might be your own attitude.

Huh? I'm describing facts, and those facts are a problem. It's nothing to do with my attitude*. There was a suggestion earlier to use Meetup, for example - try that here: zero meet-up groups within 75km; zero Couchsurfing events within 100km; zero AirBnB events within 100km; zero Internations events within 200km. If it ain't on, you can't go.

And being a retiree gives you more freedom too; the OP is 37, so has a while to wait yet before he can go gallivanting off around the country.

*(FWIW, my children's friends have told me I'm one of the coolest parents in the region because I'm always coming up with new ideas and innovative ways around their problems.)

Cryptopagan

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I know lots of people who met there partners around 30. I’ve been single for ages but I don’t take this attitude at all.

And any time a fella has offered to buy me a drink or for my phone number on a night out, I’ve been flattered and delighted even if I wasn’t interested.

What’s awkward about it?

Maybe I have it all wrong but I’d feel awkward going up to someone out of nowhere and signaling interest so explicitly.

Loads of people do meet their partners around 30 now, but I think that’s because we are doing everything a bit later in life now—whereas a generation ago people settled down to marriage, kids and mortgage around 24, now that often doesn’t happen until 30 (people are often still involved in education, occupied with travel, and starting new careers between 24 and 30.) I think a lot of working class still do settle down by their mid20s. So I think 30 is an age when many many people are still on the lookout, meeting like minded people through college, work and friends. But when you get nearer 40 is a different story.

And I really do think the apps are changing things. When you have an abundance of choice, you never choose. Attraction can grow between people when brought together through a class or through friends or whatever, but if you’re deciding the first time you meet someone not to meet them again because you’ve got 30 other prospective dates in your back pocket...

should note that any advice to a fella in the OPs position that he should approach women out of the blue is probably misreading the room

there is a very small subset of lads who can do this with the required first-glance looks or style to make it welcome, or who have failing that the requisite charm or confidence to prevent it turning awkward.

im no longer in the game but just walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation is, for me as a fella with a face like a bike crash, always going to be a step id feel unwelcome taking.

add in the explicit context that we're aiming to transmit attraction and set that tone, its a bigger ask than a lot of women seem to realise i think

add in the changing dynamics in the age of #metoo, which an awkward type of fella is always going to be more susceptible to pondering (whether the interaction ever approaches a situation that could come under the bracket or not) and i just think the "go up and talk to her, buy her a drink" advice is fairly naive

and to be clear, and you can probably tell, im well fit to chat to ppl

Deebles McBeebles

Cryptopagan wrote: »

But when you get nearer 40 is a different story.

Oh god, say it ain't so!

Plopsu

Plopsu wrote: »

If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

you posited that george might not be interesting to all the georginas

should george be interested in all the georginas?

if not, why not?

cgcsb

Another symptom of poor planning, and far too many people living in one off houses in rural areas.
Solution, move to a decent sized town, where there are other humans. Living in the wildes with the badgers does you no good.

completedit

Girl I know would message me out of blue randomly, send me songs at 2am, remember the most random **** I ever brought up, we really talked about everything...one night she asked me to feel her stomach to “feel her abs”.........she had no interest in me. That’s when I opted out of dating game. It’s all looks. You are a victim to your genetics. Women will never find me attractive coz of narrow shoulders. It’s the only thing I can blame it on

ArchXStanton

KikiLaRue wrote: »

We’ve got a whole generation of financially independent women here, who know that anyone who values them purely on their looks isn’t worth it.

And yet they themselves but so much emphasis on it.... Fake nails, fake hair, heels, push up bras

OMM 0000

Cryptopagan wrote: »

if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult.

I spent my 20s and 30s in a few long term relationships. In between those relationships I had tons of flings and one night stands.

I'm in my 40s. I met my wife 4 years ago. I purposefully waited until I was ready to settle down.

Your chances of meeting someone do not change at all during your 20s and 30s. There are absolutely tons (hundreds of millions) of single women/men out there who are around your age range and available.

You just have to make an effort.

If you're choosing to live in the middle of nowhere, neglect your appearance, neglect your social skills... obviously you're going to have problems meeting people.

Figure out what your priorities are. If playing video games and **** to anime are more important to you than socialising, that's fine, but don't be surprised you're single.

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

I did.

Plopsu

Deleted User wrote: »

you posited that george might not be interesting to all the georginas

should george be interested in all the georginas?

if not, why not?

Actually, I posited that people who are alike a likely to be suited to each other but in internet dating, George will likely be ignored by Georgina.
Should they all be interested in him? No, for many reasons and the same the other way around but that really doesn't have anything to do with what I said (unless you're trying to set up a strawman argument).

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I did.

Y'really didn't.

KikiLaRue

CelticRambler wrote: »

Huh? I'm describing facts, and those facts are a problem. It's nothing to do with my attitude*. There was a suggestion earlier to use Meetup, for example - try that here: zero meet-up groups within 75km; zero Couchsurfing events within 100km; zero AirBnB events within 100km; zero Internations events within 200km. If it ain't on, you can't go.

And being a retiree gives you more freedom too; the OP is 37, so has a while to wait yet before he can go gallivanting off around the country.

*(FWIW, my children's friends have told me I'm one of the coolest parents in the region because I'm always coming up with new ideas and innovative ways around their problems.)

Ummm yeah because events down the country are more likely to be advertised in the local paper, the notice boards in SuperValu etc than on AirBnB... you’re looking in the wrong places.

It’s just making excuses to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself instead of taking action imho.

Cryptopagan

OMM 0000 wrote: »

If you're choosing to live in the middle of nowhere, neglect your appearance, neglect your social skills... obviously you're going to have problems meeting people.

Figure out what your priorities are. If playing video games and **** to anime are more important to you than socialising, that's fine, but don't be surprised you're single.

Ok, none of that applies to me at all, but thanks.

To use that dreaded internet phrase, you are strawmanning. Clearly there are singletons in the world who are not anime-obsessed hermits with bad skin and terrible breath, and yet are struggling to find a partner.

KikiLaRue

ArchXStanton wrote: »

And yet they themselves but so much emphasis on it.... Fake nails, fake hair, heels, push up bras

Some women do. And some men buy unnecessarily expensive cars, watches and shoes to try and signal something about themselves to the world.

It’s all about the company you keep.

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

Y'really didn't.

Yes... I did. You asked if he should change himself, I said yeah.

KikiLaRue

[Deleted User] wrote: »

should note that any advice to a fella in the OPs position that he should approach women out of the blue is probably misreading the room

there is a very small subset of lads who can do this with the required first-glance looks or style to make it welcome, or who have failing that the requisite charm or confidence to prevent it turning awkward.

im no longer in the game but just walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation is, for me as a fella with a face like a bike crash, always going to be a step id feel unwelcome taking.

add in the explicit context that we're aiming to transmit attraction and set that tone, its a bigger ask than a lot of women seem to realise i think

add in the changing dynamics in the age of #metoo, which an awkward type of fella is always going to be more susceptible to pondering (whether the interaction ever approaches a situation that could come under the bracket or not) and i just think the "go up and talk to her, buy her a drink" advice is fairly naive

and to be clear, and you can probably tell, im well fit to chat to ppl

What do you think is going to happen if you walk up to a woman in a bar and say “I’m snoopsheep, what’s your name? Can I buy you a drink?”

What’s the worst case scenario?

Cryptopagan

KikiLaRue wrote: »

What do you think is going to happen if you walk up to a woman in a bar and say “I’m snoopsheep, what’s your name? Can I buy you a drink?”

What’s the worst case scenario?

It’s awkward every single time you do it, and it erodes your confidence, as you come to associate expressing an interest in someone with embarrassing public rejection.

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Yes... I did. You asked if he should change himself, I said yeah.

The bit with the question mark was me expressing disbelief at what you'd previously said, not me asking a question. I thought that was fairly obvious form the context.I then went on to clarify what I had said (that you were replying to). You ignored this and came out with some guff about nobody being entitled to a partner, which I'd never even remotely suggested. So, no, you didn't address what I said.

KikiLaRue

Cryptopagan wrote: »

It’s awkward every single time you do it, and it erodes your confidence, as you come to associate expressing an interest in someone with being embarrassing rejection.

Dig deeper though - *why* is it awkward for you? You’re making a friendly gesture towards a woman you hardly know - if she says yes, great - if she says no, water off a duck’s back.

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

The bit with the question mark was me expressing disbelief at what you'd previously said, not me asking a question. I though that was fairly obvious form the context.I then went on to clarify what I had said (that you were replying to). You ignored this and came out with some guff about nobody being entitled to a partner, which I'd never even remotely suggested. So, no, you didn't address what I said.

Maybe you’re single because you’re a bit of a pain in the ass and seem obsessed with being right?

Why doesn’t Georgina want George? Why should she?

mariaalice

Online is probably a gift to the lazy and dose alow the illiusion that they can skip sorting any issues and still met someone, face to face meeting its much harder to hide, or even if there are no issues as such there are an awful lot of people who jut go to work then watch TV and spend a lot of time in bed nothing going on in their lives.

This is a slight aside, a young person played rugby and were big in to rugby they moved somewhere in Ireland with little rugby so they took an interest inthe premier league because as they said they would have nothing to talk about in the pub if they did not.

Online is not a panacea its just another way of meeting people.

Cryptopagan

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Dig deeper though - *why* is it awkward for you? You’re making a friendly gesture towards a woman you hardly know - if she says yes, great - if she says no, water off a duck’s back.

Once, yeah, but if that’s your whole approach and it fails like 100 times in a row, then what? I don’t like getting into personal stuff, but I always relied on getting to know a person first more casually, which happens in college and with friends of friends. I was always useless at the club scene. Even if you walk up to someone, offer them a drink, and they accept, you have to try to sustain an interesting conversation with a complete stranger.

So how do I get to know people more casually? Join clubs and classes...only the people at them aren’t interested in finding partners there cause they have an app for that.

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Maybe you’re single because you’re a bit of a pain in the ass and seem obsessed with being right?

Why doesn’t Georgina want George? Why should she?

Wow didn't take long for you to get abusive, did it?
I suggest you stand in front of a mirror and read that first sentence over and over. :pac:

ArchXStanton

Cryptopagan wrote: »

It’s awkward every single time you do it, and it erodes your confidence, as you come to associate expressing an interest in someone with embarrassing public rejection.

Most women wouldn't have the cajones to do it... Instead you get subtle hints

CelticRambler

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Ummm yeah because events down the country are more likely to be advertised in the local paper, the notice boards in SuperValu etc than on AirBnB... you’re looking in the wrong places.

It’s just making excuses to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself instead of taking action imho.

Ahhhh, so the OP needs to spend more time in SuperValu and not be bothered with boards.ie. Grand so. :pac:

KikiLaRue

CelticRambler wrote: »

Ahhhh, so the OP needs to spend more time in SuperValu and not be bothered with boards.ie. Grand so. :pac:

I don’t know why you’re being snarky; searching for events down the country on CouchSurfing or AirBnB is ridiculous. You would be better off looking at what’s advertised on community notice boards in the likes of SuperValu and reading the local paper.

KikiLaRue

ArchXStanton wrote: »

Most women wouldn't have the cajones to do it... Instead you get subtle hints

Well that is true in a very literal sense...

ArchXStanton

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Well that is true in a very literal sense...

I know its true, that's why you'll hear "that's the man's job" "he has to feel like he's worked for it" every excuse going to cover their own cowardice and protect their egos

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

Wow didn't take long for you to get abusive, did it?
I suggest you stand in front of a mirror and read that first sentence over and over. :pac:

Honestly, you’re being an absolute pain in the hole. I’ve tried answering your question but you don’t actually want to engage.

facehugger99

Is there any possibility I could use a post in this thread to humble-brag about how many women I've bedded?

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Honestly, you’re being an absolute pain in the hole. I’ve tried answering your question but you don’t actually want to engage.

I'm being no more of a pain in the hole or obsessed with being right than you are. I've been engaging, throughout. There was no question to answer. Do you really not get that? Because I already explained it above. Answering a question I didn't ask isn't engaging.

KikiLaRue

ArchXStanton wrote: »

I know its true, that's why you'll hear "that's the man's job" "he has to feel like he's worked for it" every excuse going to cover their own cowardice and protect their egos

Earlier on the thread there were several men advising women who feel like they have been used for sex not to give it up too soon.

That if we do we’re just seen as “a bit of hole”.

But if *we* say “he has to feel like he’s worked for it”, we’re in the wrong there too?

There is no winning for women with the type of men who take this attitude.

Women get rejected. Men get rejected. Women get their hearts broken. Men get their hearts broken. Women find love. Men find love.

facehugger99

facehugger99 wrote: »

Is there any possibility I could use a post in this thread to humble-brag about how many women I've bedded?

Permission granted.

SusieBlue

Cryptopagan wrote: »

It’s awkward every single time you do it, and it erodes your confidence, as you come to associate expressing an interest in someone with being embarrassing rejection.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of some dubious chat up tactics on nights out, please don't underestimate how lovely & refreshing it is to be approached by a sober-ish friendly guy for a chat on a night out.

I've said it before but I'll say it again, in my opinion most men can be split into two categories in most pubs/nightclubs.
The shy, less confident ones who will stand on the sidelines throwing furtive glances, afraid to even try, and the inebriated messers with new found big balls who are the ones approaching the women.

I obviously can't categorically speak for everyone woman but there is absolutely nothing attractive (imo) about someone who is so drunk they are spilling their drink, talking sh*t, and approaching everyone in a 2 mile radius with a vagina. Women absolutely notice when a lad is chancing his arm with every girl he sees.
So the women reject these guys, and sometimes these guys get nasty.
The women then get annoyed and probably come across as even more reserved & stuck up to anyone else approaching them that night.

Meanwhile the shy guys are watching these "super confident" lads getting rejected and thinking why would I even bother, and it puts them off even trying...And so the cycle continues.

If you are sober-ish and able to approach a woman for a friendly chat, believe me when I say you are already streets ahead of most other men in that bar.
There seems to be very little middle ground, its either shy and reserved, or too drunk & obnoxious.

I obviously believe more women should do the approaching & it shouldn't always be up to the man, but I just wanted to give you another perspective on it.
I think you'd have more luck than you think, if you tried it.

Deebles McBeebles

facehugger99 wrote: »

Is there any possibility I could use a post in this thread to humble-brag about how many women I've bedded?

Unless its Gene Simmons level numbers I wouldn't.

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

I'm being no more of a pain in the hole or obsessed with being right than you are. I've been engaging, throughout. There was no question to answer. Do you really not get that? Because I already explained it above. Answering a question I didn't ask isn't engaging.

No, what’s happening here is that you don’t like my answer so you’re going after me like a dog with a bone.

If you don’t feel my answer adequately addressed your question, might I suggest that you move on with your life? You’re not here to grade whether my answer was relevant enough to satisfy you.

CelticRambler

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I don’t know why you’re being snarky; searching for events down the country on CouchSurfing or AirBnB is ridiculous. You would be better off looking at what’s advertised on community notice boards in the likes of SuperValu and reading the local paper.

I'm not being snarky. The general advice to the OP so far has been to "get out and meet women" seemingly without any real understanding of (a) whether or not the OP is able to get out; and (b) if he does, whether there's anything on that he has enough of an interest to go to.

I've looked at plenty of supermarket notice boards, and the events posted there are all much of a muchness, largely targeted at the same audience and (like I described above) if the OP goes to any one of them, he's likely to meet all the same people he met at the last one.

For someone who "lives" online, there's absolutely nothing ridiculous about looking for events on Couchsurfing or a similar platform, because if you do find something, at least you know you're mixing with "your own kind" - people who think the internet is a legitimate social space.

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

No, what’s happening here is that you don’t like my answer so you’re going after me like a dog with a bone.

If you don’t feel my answer adequately addressed your question, might I suggest that you move on with your life? You’re not here to grade whether my answer was relevant enough to satisfy you.

Bwahaha.
I'm not grading anything, your answer was irrelevant. Do feel free to stop replying, though.*


*Hint: you could have done that at any point.

KikiLaRue

KikiLaRue wrote: »

What do you think is going to happen if you walk up to a woman in a bar and say “I’m snoopsheep, what’s your name? Can I buy you a drink?”

What’s the worst case scenario?

oh, yknow, the usual- screams, rush for the exits, wailing, gnashing of teeth, libraries burnt to the ground and scattering of peoples across the failing husk of the planet that was once a land of opportunity

as i said, im better with a bit of a lead-in

KikiLaRue

Plopsu wrote: »

Bwahaha.
I'm not grading anything, your answer was irrelevant. Do feel free to stop replying, though.*


*Hint: you could have done that at any point.

I could have, and I will now. So could you. I’m very sorry my answer didn’t meet your standards. I feel it answered the question in a broad sense, obviously you disagree. That’s life. I’m going to pop you on ignore now so byeee.

KikiLaRue

[Deleted User] wrote: »

oh, yknow, the usual- screams, rush for the exits, wailing, gnashing of teeth, libraries burnt to the ground and scattering of peoples across the failing husk of the planet that was once a land of opportunity

as i said, im better with a bit of a lead-in

Exactly, you’ve made up a ridiculously dramatic scenario in your head that would never happen to give yourself an excuse not to take risks.

Plopsu

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I could have, and I will now. So could you. I’m very sorry my answer didn’t meet your standards. I feel it answered the question in a broad sense, obviously you disagree. That’s life. I’m going to pop you on ignore now so byeee.

I could have but it was much more amusing to watch you stamp your foot.