Housemate leaves girlfriend alone in house

QQBy

Hi folks,

One of my housemates recently got in a relationship with a girl.
Every since then she occasionally stays in the house by herself, while he goes to work.

I talked to him already and he said it would be his right, as she is his guest.

Does he have the right to do so?
What can we do to prevent this?

LimeFruitGum

How long does she stay in the house for, and how often does this happen? Do you know if she has a key/knows your security codes?
It is a bit weird if she is there all day by herself and he isn’t there to ‘host’. If she’s there a few nights a week, then that’s not on. It depends on context.

Wabbit Ears

In my experience that's normal enough, it's one of the expected downsides of houseshares.

Hedgelayer

I did house shares in the 90's up until 1999 to be honest.

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

As long as they weren't stealing,noisy or hostile.

There was a code of respecting the fact that we all had a right to bring partners back and basically bring home one night stands if we got lucky.

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

wirelessdude01

One it isn't all day, every day and she respects people and doesn't eat their food then that is normal houseshare behaviour.

Wabbit Ears

Hedgelayer wrote:

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

This fun and freedom and friendship is what great memories of my 90s-2000 housewares are made of. We partied, drank, smoked and fcuked.

People came and went.

Girls stayed over, some more than others and it would never be unusual to have someone girlfriend hanging around. Sure we would just chat with them and a few of them became good mates.

Houseshares aren't for everyone but IMHO they are a stop gap, a compromise, a place to crash when you cant afford a place on your own. Girlfriends are a fact of life in houseshares.

markpb

Hedgelayer wrote: »

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

Did you have to ruin a perfectly good reply with needless childish stereotyping?

Danzy

Hedgelayer wrote: »

I did house shares in the 90's up until 1999 to be honest.

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

As long as they weren't stealing,noisy or hostile.

There was a code of respecting the fact that we all had a right to bring partners back and basically bring home one night stands if we got lucky.

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

While this generation are often more precious than previous ones, most are not.

RacoonQueen

Hedgelayer wrote: »

I did house shares in the 90's up until 1999 to be honest.

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

As long as they weren't stealing,noisy or hostile.

There was a code of respecting the fact that we all had a right to bring partners back and basically bring home one night stands if we got lucky.

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

All well and good in your late teens to early/mid 20s. People are house sharing into their 40s now so lifestyles of people house sharing have changed.

JustAThought

There was a long angry heated thread on this a while ago - might be worth looking up. 3 guys sharing -all gay- with male b/f being left at home during the day - surprising to see such meek views when it involves a girl -same principles.

dubrov

The housemate has no right to leave their girlfriend there when they are not. There isn't much you can do except complain to the landlord or move out.

In saying that though, if she is only there occasionally and doesn't take over any common areas, What's the problem?

johnnyskeleton

Crack a window for her, and maybe leave a bowl of water out on warm days.

Seriously though, the answer here is in what everyone agreed when the houseshare started. E.g. did you sit down and make rules or have an understanding about what is or is not acceptable. If not, maybe the flatmate might agree to do so now. But its trickier to agree rules when it is specifically about to be enforced.

Also, bear in mind that the rules that apply to him will also apply to you, should your situation change.

is_that_so

House rules need to be set at the outset otherwise you end up with all sorts of unhappy situations. Would let it slide personally save a visitor acting like they lived there. OP has stated their case it seems, can do no more than that unless the behaviour changes or the visitor becomes a more permanent addition.

Bob24

Hedgelayer wrote: »

I did house shares in the 90's up until 1999 to be honest.

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

As long as they weren't stealing,noisy or hostile.

There was a code of respecting the fact that we all had a right to bring partners back and basically bring home one night stands if we got lucky.

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

^^^^^

Pretty quick to judge someone with very little information.

For a starter, it depends whether she solely stays in the bedroom or also uses the common areas.

I’m not house-sharing anymore, but if I was paying well over 1000 euros per month for a bedroom and access to the common areas of a house/apartment (which is the case for many people in Dublin), I would expect full enjoyment of both my bedroom and my fair share of the common areas. At that price I would have limited patience for someone chancing their arm with regularity having non-paying guests monopolise the house while the person who is inviting them is not even present.

is_that_so

At the very least they should wash the dishes or do the hoovering!

TimeToShine

Hedgelayer wrote: »

I did house shares in the 90's up until 1999 to be honest.

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

As long as they weren't stealing,noisy or hostile.

There was a code of respecting the fact that we all had a right to bring partners back and basically bring home one night stands if we got lucky.

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

Is this a joke? Maybe back then house-sharing was a stopgap for a couple of years of craic, drinking and riding, sure whenever you got bored you'd just pop down to the bank for a mortgage to buy a house down the road from work and settle down. Nowadays young people have to house-share for nearly decades with no end or get out of jail free card in sight as well as working ourselves to the bone to pay the extortionate rent and (in some lucky instances) save for a house, excuse us if we have standards.

Graham

Your housemate has no specific 'rights' to have overnight guests full stop.

BUT

It's not unreasonable for a housemate to have an overnight guest.

The specifics of how often, how long, unaccompanied, contribution to bills etc. are usually discussed/negotiated amongst all occupants.

It's a common enough sore point in a house share. One of the occupants finds a regular ride and the other occupants suddenly realise they're sharing with a +1.

Try and agree with each other what is/isn't acceptable.

stateofflux

For basic security, anybody in the house alone that is not a tenant is not on imo.

It happened in houseshares to me before and led to a load of hassle with stuff going missing and front doors left wide open etc etc...

There is no reason for a non paying guest to be in the place alone...unless they are paying.

El_Duderino 09

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

This fun and freedom and friendship is what great memories of my 90s-2000 housewares are made of. We partied, drank, smoked and fcuked.

Houseshares aren't for everyone but IMHO they are a stop gap, a compromise, a place to crash when you cant afford a place on your own. Girlfriends are a fact of life in houseshares.

That's a big difference between the and now. Back in the old days people lived In house share as a stop gap u til they could afford a house of their own. That's was a reasonable expectation back then.

Now young people are less and less likely to be able to own a home so house shares are becoming more of a long term expectation as home ownership gets further out of reach.

So the reality has changed. Now people are looking at long term houseshares and so they are expecting more comfort and privacy and security because It's not a stop gap, it's the medium-long term future. No point comparing it to the good ole'days because that's not relevant anymore.

Maybe try taking the question seriously instead of thinking the world hasn't changed since the 90s.

1874

Shouldnt really be there when the housemate isnt, otherwise its like they are living there for nothing, and could be using shared utilities which is being paid for by others,

Either work out an amount for them to pay for bills and a contribution (simply them chipping in or sharing or paying nothing to their boyfriend isnt any benefit to everyone else and they are paying for the place) AND/OR work out some rules, like no guests when the occupant is not present.
Them not being difficult/stealing stuff, while an advantage isnt a reasonable reason to be there, they shouldnt be doing that stuff anyay.
I did not use to, but Id lock my room in a house share.

BrokenArrows

It would especially be not on during the winter when she would probably have the heating on costing a fortune.

judeboy101

Make a pass at her, that'll soon shift her out

rom

Count yourself lucky. Used to live in one house that had a single bathroom. His gf used to come over and they would have very long baths together. No business within a mile and hanging for a dump would I would be banging on the door. Other than that I couldn't care a less.

Wabbit Ears

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Maybe try taking the question seriously instead of thinking the world hasn't changed since the 90s.

It really hasnt changed that much. Sure, economic situations have changed so people will have to house share longer but the same basic dynamic of relationships haven't changed.

This exact same post has probably been scrawled on the cave walls of neandrathals its such a timeless issue.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

In my housesharing days, very occasionally boyfriends or girlfriends would be in the house without the corresponding housemate being there but the housemate in each case always checked that it was okay with the rest of us first. In one case I remember, a housemate’s boyfriend had stayed over with her one night and in the morning he was really sick but my housemate had to go to work. He was in no fit state to go home so she wanted him to rest in her bed all day and left every supply he needed in the room. She checked with all of us and of course we said yes.

It was a very rare occurrence and honestly, I wouldn’t have been happy with it happening often. Your housemate’s attitude is kinda shïty, I don’t think it’s his right at all. He pays rent, not her. He’s your housemate, not her.

And my housesharing days ran from 2002 to 2013 so I’m not part of the generation Hedgelayer is disparaging.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

And I don’t think the length of time you’re in a house-share matters. My observation is that there was no golden age for houseshares. I lived in a lot of different ones in different places and had 50+ housemates overall. Very rarely did friendships happen in houseshares. I think people are romanticising the past tbh.

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

It really hasnt changed that much. Sure, economic situations have changed so people will have to house share longer but the same basic dynamic of relationships haven't changed.

This exact same post has probably been scrawled on the cave walls of neandrathals its such a timeless issue.

Yeah, I’m not getting the “it’s different now” narrative. When I started housesharing seventeen years ago as a wet-behind-the-ears young one, someone leaving their OH alone in the house on the regular would not have been acceptable. Even it happening occasionally would have raised eyebrows.

Bob24

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

It really hasnt changed that much. Sure, economic situations have changed so people will have to house share longer but the same basic dynamic of relationships haven't changed.

I think that by definition the fact that more categories of people stay in house shares and for a longer part of their lives inherently changes the dynamic of some house share relationships.

Simply because there are things which are fine for a tweety years old student who is mostly concerned about getting the cheapest possible accommodation, but not acceptable anymore for the exact same person once they have became 35 years old professional in a stressful job who values different things about their living environment - but still have to fork out a good chunk of their monthly income just to rent a room in a nice apartment next to their workplace (think of someone forking out 1200+ euros per month to rent a room in a nice Grand Canal Docks apparement).

To give an exemple: in my student times it would have been fine for housemates to very regularly have visiting friends stay over and sleep on the sofa in the living room. Most housemates wouldn’t have been too bothered with having a bit of a mess and some promiscuity in the living room, and would have appreciated the option to avail of this option when they had friends staying over.

Moving on to more expensive house shares with older professional, this type of thing gradually tends to fade away: while not necessarily disappearing, friends staying over becomes more of a rare occurrence, and housemates paying big money for their rooms expect better enjoyment of the living room - so a housemate which expects to have friends staying over on a very regular basis will quickly get singled out as a problem.

SirGerryAdams

Hedgelayer wrote: »

I did house shares in the 90's up until 1999 to be honest.

Nobody really gave a toss who was living in the house,or who's partner was staying frequently.

As long as they weren't stealing,noisy or hostile.

There was a code of respecting the fact that we all had a right to bring partners back and basically bring home one night stands if we got lucky.

This generation are soooo different from my generation, in my day we sucked it up nowadays people are not cool or chilled....

Just immature snowflakes lol

I think it's less to do with snowflakes and more about people slipping in people to save on rent.

It actually annoyed me so much when my previous housemate would have his gf over 3 nights a week while she technically still lived at home with her parents.

Why should people get to live somewhere for half the week for free?

knipex

TimeToShine wrote: »

Is this a joke? Maybe back then house-sharing was a stopgap for a couple of years of craic, drinking and riding, sure whenever you got bored you'd just pop down to the bank for a mortgage to buy a house down the road from work and settle down. Nowadays young people have to house-share for nearly decades with no end or get out of jail free card in sight as well as working ourselves to the bone to pay the extortionate rent and (in some lucky instances) save for a house, excuse us if we have standards.

I house shared for well over a decade until I saved a deposit and bought a house. Vast majority of people I know did that or moved back \ lived with their parents. Its not new or unique to this generation.

Lived in some dumps over the years because they were cheap..

LimeFruitGum

I have no idea how many housemates I have had over the years, actual as well as the unofficial ones. There were a couple of housemates I got on really well with, but otherwise house-sharing was a necessary evil for 12 years. I was so bloody delighted when I was finally able to afford my own place. I didn't care if I had to live on own-brands if that's what it took.

If you happen to land in a house-share where you all become best buds, brilliant, but it isn't that common. It's grand when you all know each other from college or home, but the house dynamic will change over time with jobs, new people, girl/boyfriends etc. You're not going to be partying forever.

I lived in one house for a few years, and everyone else was from a small town near the border, or they were in college with the lads. I was the randomer from Daft. Our place ended up being the unofficial crash pad for young lads and lassies from this town. I remember being at home one Saturday night and one of my flatmates had given their friends his key because they were in town for a concert. When they went into the living room, I was like 'Who the F are you? What's going on?' Think he bothered his arse to tell me this in advance? If I did that, there'd have been war.

Then the lads all started to get girlfriends, and you can imagine the rest. There was sod-all I could do about it because they were all mates from home and the landlord was from that town too.

On the plus side, the rent was cheap, they all went home every weekend without fail, and the house itself was quite nice, so I stayed there longer than I probably should have. I'd have my BF over at the weekend, and I'd go to his one night during the week. When I stayed at his, I left with him in the morning, or leave before him.

I really don't understand why a GF/BF would *want* to hang out in a shared house all day, if they've got a home of their own. It is a bit weird. They've no business there. Even if they don't have a job or course to go to in the mornings, wouldn't you want to go home anyway? Why would you want to make things awkward for your friend in the place where they live.

Dublinandy2

Just walk around naked, they'll either stop visiting or you'll become super close to them.

On the serious side though you've done the decent thing, spoken to the guy, but he's told you his opinion and to be fair, he was aleays going to side with the mrs. No point letting it escalate further as you'll be the one getting stressed and it won't bother them.

You'll have to learn to live with it ir look to move but being realistic, it will happen again as it's a common occurance.