Ex's partner leaves house with 3 kids when my child visits

Tres Say T

Please help! I simply don’t know what to do anymore. My daughter is a beautiful well mannered 11 year old girl. She visits her Dad every other weekend and has done so since she was 18 months old.
The problem is that every time she visits, for the last 4 years – her Dad’s fiancé leaves. Soon after my ex met this woman she became pregnant with their first child. My daughter met their first son quiet regularly for the first year or so. She met their second son once when he was about 6 weeks old and has never met their third 6 month old son. So for the last 4 years this woman leaves with their children every time my daughter visits. Baby blues and mounting pressure was blamed after the second son arrived. No explanations have been forth coming since. I fear that this is now their routine and my daughter will never be part of it. I don't think their sons even know they have a half sister. It's all extemely upsetting.
I have raised my concerns time and time again about the damage that this open and outright rejection could do. I cannot control another persons behaviour but my daughter is often very upset, especially since the arrival of the third child who she has never even met.
I have often questioned myself for allowing this to go on but I don’t have the heart to take away her Daddy too by not allowing her to visit their home. She sees life going on in the house but bares witness to none of it. She has noticed that her photographs have been taken down and replaced with their own family portraits. I am concerned that this rejection is abuse and that this will have long term effects on her emotionally and physically. My daughter has a heart condition. She has been in full health the last 5 years but is now due for heart surgery in the coming months. She was in floods of tears just last night.
I have been to Tulsa over 3 years ago about this. They seemed to work on her resillliance and her relationship with me by doing things like making a scrapbook of all the things I do with my daughter. They spoke to the boys Mum who categorically said she has enough to do with trying to be a mother to her own children.
The only thing her Dad says is that he is working on it. He says they are figuring out how they can integrate the children? I have no doubt that he loves her and she loves going to see him. He has said that this situation is not ideal for him either yet I resent that he allows this to happen to her. I have only met his fiancé three times about 7 years ago, I have never had any dealings with her. She has made it clear from day one that she doesn't ever want to speak to me. I am a very concerned parent trying to figure out what is best for my daughter.

Dyr

Tres Say T wrote: »

I cannot control another persons behaviour .

But you're gonna try anyway?

eagle eye

Bambi wrote:

But you're gonna try anyway?

Go away with your childishness. Picking out three words from a post that length to try and make it look like something it's not is the height of stupidity.

OP, there really is nothing you can do. It's up to your child's father to sort it out if he is willing.
Feel sorry for you and your child. It's far from ideal and very awkward and confusing for your child I'd imagine.

Tina82

I think daddy needs to grow a pair of b%*$%s their all his children he should ensure they have some kind of a relationship with each other. Your in a hard position obviously you dont want to put a stop to her seeing her daddy but she can already see that she is being treated differently and that will affect her. Your ex's fiance needs to realise that he came as a package. I wouldnt be happy with my child being treated that way.

MIRMIR82

eagle eye wrote: »

Go away with your childishness. Picking out three words from a post that length to try and make it look like something it's not is the height of stupidity.

OP, there really is nothing you can do. It's up to your child's father to sort it out if he is willing.
Feel sorry for you and your child. It's far from ideal and very awkward and confusing for your child I'd imagine.

I agree eagle eye. There isn't much you can do. Your daughter is old enough now to sit down and have a long chat with her. You need to explain to her that the woman has issues and it's not your daughters fault. Tell her that how her father is dealing with it is not good enough....i know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. In the next couple of years she will see through all this and resent her father. By telling her now, maybe she will have it out with him, tell her to explain to her dad how they are making her feel.

pwurple

What a wagon, jeez.

It's your ex here is the problem, it's him letting this happen. He can tell her to head off, and the kids can stay with him.

I can half understand why she wouldn't be the biggest fan of her boyfriends ex-girlfriend, but the child did nothing to her. And certainly it's not kind to her own children either, to keep them away from their eldest sister.

I assume you had a conversation with him about it? All you can do is continue to push it. He needs to tell her, marrying him comes with creating a relationship with all his children, not just the ones she chooses. He is a package.

Tres Say T

I have tried? What I am wondering now is if this in my daughter's best interest to be subjected to this treatment everytime she goes to their house. We live in Tipperary, her dad lives in Galway. Is this abuse?

This is so sad..
Jesus, some people can be just unpleasant..

.......

Does your daughter stay overnight?

At 11 years of age her wants should be taken into account - does she want to go and see her father and be subjected to this?

NSAman

The poor girl, no wonder she is upset. He is her father, whether he likes it or not she will always be part of his family.

He sounds like a douche, to be honest, none of the children deserve this crap. They obviously know they exist, but to treat then differently is cruel. Dad needs to grow up, the fiancée need to woman up and realize her future husband has someone who will HAVE to be part oftheir lives and YOU need to be there for your daughter and stay out of their relationship but keep the pressure on her dad to let her into his new family...

Not easy when you are dealing with childish adults. Best of luck to you.

theteal

I'm going to agree that Daddy is the issue. I would also agree with him that it's not an ideal scenario for himself but he has to shoulder it. Obviously you don't want to deny the child's access to her Dad but I'd possibly be leaning to using that to force some action from Dad.

I can't say I'm a fan of the fiance here neither. Whether she likes it or not, her kids have a half-sister. Her kids will have serious questions for her when they're older.

Tres Say T

....... wrote: »

Does your daughter stay overnight?

At 11 years of age her wants should be taken into account - does she want to go and see her father and be subjected to this?

She deperately wants her Dads love - what child doesn't. She wants to see her Dad of course as it would just be yet another rejection I feel in her eyes if she didn't. She has always been super well behaved with him and keeps the anger, tears, anxiety and frustration for when she gets home to me. I am then made feel like a meddling ex when I bring this up with her Dad. He says that those are my feelings and nothing to do with him.
Last night was the first time she took action into her own hands without speaking to me first asked him for herself by text. The same answer was given. We're working on it. She got angry with me saying that she was the only one left with any hope of seeing her brother. She was in floods of tears. I'm genuinely concerned about her health now also. I hold the tears, anger and hurt I feel back so as not to upset her futher but I've been crying about it this morning while she is in school.

listermint

Text is a poor format to communicate, Phone can be better. But if you feel phone doesn't work i.e emotions stir up when talking to each other. Have you considered putting pen to paper, and writing him a letter.

Plainly explaining how your daughter is feeling, what she tells you when she arrives home from her weekends with him. how her relationship with his new family and conversely their relationship with her will be impacted.
As pointed to above i don't think their kids will be overjoyed with how a half sister was treated. that is to say if their minds are not being poisoned.

I think you might need to grab the bull by the horns here and set a line in the sand. It doesn't sound like this is a healthy situation to continue with

Tres Say T

theteal wrote: »

I'm going to agree that Daddy is the issue. I would also agree with him that it's not an ideal scenario for himself but he has to shoulder it. Obviously you don't want to deny the child's access to her Dad but I'd possibly be leaning to using that to force some action from Dad.

I can't say I'm a fan of the fiance here neither. Whether she likes it or not, her kids have a half-sister. Her kids will have serious questions for her when they're older.

I'm afraid also that it would be easier for him if I stopped her visits. He could then blame me and he will be free of any/all responsibility. It seems to me that he has blamed the women in his life for all of this. Telling me he has no control at home and most likely telling his fiance that I'm not a good person. Of course this is speculative but I see no other logic. In the mean time - it's the children who will suffer, my daughter being the long suffering one as she is aware of being hidden and rejected.

.......

Sounds like your daughter needs support.

What about Rainbows - they support children where there has been a separation in the family?

It might be worth having a word with your daughters GP - she might need to see a child psychologist.

I think that your ex does not see the depth of damage he is causing here and I wonder if it would be less damaging for your daughter not to see him until he has this situation "worked out"?

You probably need to speak to a family law solicitor about this and consider making a change to access through the courts where your daughter is not put into a damaging situation.

charlietheminxx

I'm so sorry OP, I have no practical advice for you here, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to see your daughter go through this, and how sad I am for her. It's really not good enough on the part of your ex. He's allowing her to be treated as a second-class citizen in his home, not allowed to interact with her siblings, that's just awful. Have you asked him what he intends to do to rectify the situation? Tell him it has gone on for too long and you need to know what he intends to do about it. At the end of the day, she's 11 and she's going to start realising how unwelcome her presence is and that's a horrible thing for her to deal with.

eagle eye

....... wrote:

Sounds like your daughter needs support.
What about Rainbows - they support children where there has been a separation in the family?
It might be worth having a word with your daughters GP - she might need to see a child psychologist.
I think that your ex does not see the depth of damage he is causing here and I wonder if it would be less damaging for your daughter not to see him until he has this situation "worked out"?
You probably need to speak to a family law solicitor about this and consider making a change to access through the courts where your daughter is not put into a damaging situation.

This is all excellent advice.
OP, please follow this advice.

SusieBlue

I don't think he's working on it at all, it sounds like he's telling you & your daughter one thing and his partner another. Both stories paint him in the best light as a struggling innocent victim, no doubt.

I would get advice from a solicitor and possibly consider mediation between the 3 of you to see what the issue is. I wouldn't withhold access as I agree that would be giving him an easy life and would hurt your daughter.
You need to make it clear to him that the current arrangement cannot continue as its making your daughter feel like a nuisance and an outsider.

If all else fails I wouldn't hesitate to bring it to court to get a judges ruling on the matter. Your daughter has a right to know and bond with her siblings, even if she has no relationship with the new partner. Not allowing her know her siblings is cruel.
I'm so sorry this is happening OP, her father sounds spineless.

Mango Joe

If I had to guess I'd say that he's a weak, flawed individual and the new partner is an ignorant and horrible person.

The other side of this coin is that if you push for your daughter to have more involvement then she'll end up spending more time with this odious woman who could potentially find ways to make her displeasure known at your childs expense.

I think you'll find that theres a huge difference between 11 and 13-14yrs of age, your daughter will toughen up and spend a lot more time with friends etc for a few years.

Not ideal but she'll be ok.

PS best of luck with her health considerations - Hope you're ok too, you've a lot on your plate.

Mango Joe

Mango Joe wrote: »

The other side of this coin is that if you push for your daughter to have more involvement then she'll end up spending more time with this odious woman who could potentially find ways to make her displeasure known at your childs expense.

This could probably be true too..

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. My dad wasn't around much when I was young (though totally different circumstances than yours) so I can absolutely understand her desperation for his love and attention and then her taking it out on you when it goes badly. You're the person she feels safe expressing those feelings with.

I think the suggestion of counselling/psychologist is a great one. I'm a firm believer that most of us will need counselling at some point in our lives. Your daughter probably doesn't talk to anyone about this except you so just having another person to talk to about it, especially somebody who's outside the whole situation, could be very beneficial. I also wonder if you had a psychologists report saying that this issue was causing your daughter significant distress would it force your ex to see that it's not all coming from you. It sounds like he tells himself that so he doesn't have to do anything about it.

I think the first thing I would do in your situation is get in contact with an organisation like One Family. They specifically deal with one-parent families and co-parenting for separated couples. They have a hotline and they have loads of resources for parents and children in situations like this. I have heard only good things about them. I know a social worker with Tusla who often refers parents and kids to their services. They also offer counselling for parents and kids on a sliding fee scale if that's a concern for you (though I see you're in Tipp and they're in Dublin).

Best of luck to you both.

sbsquarepants

What a shítty thing to do!

Somebody really needs to put a stop to this - there is no way I would allow anybody to treat my child like that, not a hope.

Personally I'd be telling the father if he can't manage to put manners on that weapon he's living with then he'll have to get a hotel room if he want's to spend a weekend with his daughter because there is no way I'd be letting some arsehole like his missus belittle my child.

Tres Say T

Thank you all for your advise.
I have brought my daughter to Rainbows and Tulsa. This really is a situation found in fairy tales. I have made calls about getting her psychological help. What more can I do? It is difficult for a child not blame themselves for the bad behaviour of the adults who are supposed to love them most. She behaves meticulously for her Dad all the while feeling dejected and not good enough or worthy. I don't want her to grow up to be a people pleaser at the expense of her own self worth or to put up with being treated badly by men in the future. Even now, with a serious operation coming up there is no movement. I feel so bad for her and there is nothing really that I can do to make her feel better. I will definately think about seeking legal advise.

I just want to add, because I should have said this in my previous post, that I hope you know that your daughter is very lucky to have a parent like you. You have obviously thought a lot about what's in her best interests long-term and it's clear you're doing everything you can for her. That's huge.

.......

Tres Say T wrote: »

I have made calls about getting her psychological help.

And was there any outcome of this for her?

hopgirl

My situation is similar in one way that my ex has three children with his partner and his partner has no time for my daughter. He wasn't allowed to put up pictures of my daughter, only found out recently when I was asked from a relative did I want the pictures as they were wanting to use the photo frame.
The difference here is that my ex rarely sees his daughter even though, he has promised that he would come down regularly when he seen her last. (They live a bit away but not too far). I make excuses for him as my daughter do ask about him. How can I say oh he has no interest only when he feels he needs to make an appearance or by the way you have other siblings that you don't know. Which I feel will open another can worms that she isn't wanted. But she had met two of them about three years ago when he introduced them as her sister and brother. She has forgot about them as she was a bit younger then.
It breaks my heart that they would treat her like this, back when they got a place I said to him oh you probably reinstate taking her over night he was like oh there is no room as the spare room is used for her shoes. The only thing is that I am happy about is that she is not in that environment and witnessing the difference.
He should grow a pair and cop on. His daughters happiness is more important and she will resent him. I know my daughter will resent her dad when does finally find out.

Tres Say T

....... wrote: »

And was there any outcome of this for her?

Unfortunately when we moved from Galway to Tipperary (my home county) 2 years ago she would have had to have been put on a different waiting list. She was on the waiting list in Galway for just over a year as far as I can remember. I felt I'd leave it go as we would be starting a new life away from the toxidity of what was going on in Galway. She is amongst family who love her dearly and look forward to seeing her often and figured that would make a huge difference to her life.
However, they having another child has opened everything up for her again. I have made calls to the psychological services in the HSE in Tipp only today. I am waiting for a response. I have also sent an email to One Family today on the advise of one of the members here.

.......

I think you are doing as much as you can under the circumstances.

Tres Say T

hopgirl wrote: »

The difference here is that my ex rarely sees his daughter even though, he has promised that he would come down regularly when he seen her last. (They live a bit away but not too far). I make excuses for him as my daughter do ask about him.
It breaks my heart that they would treat her like this, back when they got a place

The only thing is that I am happy about is that she is not in that environment and witnessing the difference.
He should grow a pair and cop on. His daughters happiness is more important and she will resent him. I know my daughter will resent her dad when does finally find out.

I guess it's good that her Dad makes the effort to see her. He drives up and down from Galway to ensure he does in fairness. At least she has that I suppose. On the other hand - Why shouldn't he? If we were to compare ourselves to the worst of the worst then we'd always look good. I'm not here to bash anyone I'm just searching for the best way forward for my daughter's sake.
I do feel for you and your daughter. I believe abandonement and rejection are two of the most emotionally damaging things that can be done to a person. I know how hard it is to keep all the balls in the air when managing on your own with little or no support.

bertsmom

Op you sound like a brilliant parent who is doing their absolute best for your daughter.
To start I don't have children myself so I guess my view point is different but I did briefly date a guy with a kid and I made it clear from the very beginning I had absolutely no interest in being a co parent or parent of any description to his child. He reassured me this would mever be an issue but of course it was and rightly so!
I ended the relationship once it became apparent that this is not fair on any party. If your in a relationship with a single parent you have to have an involvement in the childs life. It is only right and fair however this was not for me I had zero interest in the child.
What struck me after is that although the guy loved his child to bits (and he definitely does)he was more than willing to make our relationship work by any means. It was I who could see it being damaging on the kid he genuinely thought it was fine as I wasn't being unkind to the child just completely uninterested.
Perhaps her Dad just cant see how its affecting the kid and maby his partner doesn't feel anything for the child so sees it to be better for all concerned to just not play any role.
Op you sound like a great parent and im not saying this is the case just I know what it feels to feel nothing towards an unrelated child and the issues that throws up. Wishing you and your daughter the very best.

hopgirl

Tres Say T wrote: »

I guess it's good that her Dad makes the effort to see her. He drives up and down from Galway to ensure he does in fairness. At least she has that I suppose. On the other hand - Why shouldn't he? If we were to compare ourselves to the worst of the worst then we'd always look good. I'm not here to bash anyone I'm just searching for the best way forward for my daughter's sake.
I do feel for you and your daughter. I believe abandonement and rejection are two of the most emotionally damaging things that can be done to a person. I know how hard it is to keep all the balls in the air when managing on your own with little or no support.

My ex is a lot closer but its his choice. Friends have said to me why to I bother letting him see his daughter but I was like its not my choice to make I would rather him put her best interests at heart. Let him decide that three hours once a year is not good enough. He sees her in my home town. She say oh why does dad not see me or when I see him he have presents thinks that is great. She is 8 years.
Yes he is great he drives down and brings her home but the knock on effect he is having on your daughter is horrible feeling like an outsider in her dads house when she should feel she belongs there. In that she has two homes. My friend is a step mum she is great, she treats her partners kids like her own. She is there with them, bakes cakes and does fun things. Your daughter should be apart of that everyday family life with her siblings. She be a great help.
You are a great mum with your daughter best interests in heart but I think it is time to seek legal advice. It probably best for the dad to come down to your hometown to spend time with his daughter than taking her up to that environment, if he can't sort out his fiance. She is probably jealous of your daughter because my ex partner was/is jealous. Probably be best if she wasn't around as I say she wouldn't treat her well.