Ex's partner leaves house with 3 kids when my child visits

Wabbit Ears

The big issue here is who is being hurt by the current situation? he isnt, the finace isnt, his step kids arent really. The only person who is really being hurt is your kid. Taking her out of that situation is the correct thing to do.

Stop visitation at his house until he gets his act together. limited visitation in a neutral environment at most. Make him confront the issue. If he chooses not to resolve it then you have closure on another question. This will hurt your daughter in the very short run but its far far better then her spending weekends in hell for nothing more then a sniff of daddys approval.

marieholmfan

Tres Say T wrote: »

I'm afraid also that it would be easier for him if I stopped her visits. He could then blame me and he will be free of any/all responsibility. It seems to me that he has blamed the women in his life for all of this. Telling me he has no control at home and most likely telling his fiance that I'm not a good person. Of course this is speculative but I see no other logic. In the mean time - it's the children who will suffer, my daughter being the long suffering one as she is aware of being hidden and rejected.

Ensure that he and the new partner understand that regardless of any contact maintenance is separate and will still need to be paid (though he sounds like he isn't paying maintenance to me).

I would strongly advise no contact.

marieholmfan

hopgirl -- again ensure that your ex pays maintenance and understands that his treatment of your daughter does not lessen his financial obligations in any way.
Again I would strongly advise no contact,

hopgirl wrote: »

My situation is similar in one way that my ex has three children with his partner and his partner has no time for my daughter. He wasn't allowed to put up pictures of my daughter, only found out recently when I was asked from a relative did I want the pictures as they were wanting to use the photo frame.
The difference here is that my ex rarely sees his daughter even though, he has promised that he would come down regularly when he seen her last. (They live a bit away but not too far). I make excuses for him as my daughter do ask about him. How can I say oh he has no interest only when he feels he needs to make an appearance or by the way you have other siblings that you don't know. Which I feel will open another can worms that she isn't wanted. But she had met two of them about three years ago when he introduced them as her sister and brother. She has forgot about them as she was a bit younger then.
It breaks my heart that they would treat her like this, back when they got a place I said to him oh you probably reinstate taking her over night he was like oh there is no room as the spare room is used for her shoes. The only thing is that I am happy about is that she is not in that environment and witnessing the difference.
He should grow a pair and cop on. His daughters happiness is more important and she will resent him. I know my daughter will resent her dad when does finally find out.

Cork Lass

Bambi wrote: »

But you're gonna try anyway?

What an unbelievably nasty comment.

Water John

Legally yes, morally no, if you begin a relationship with a man or woman who has a child/children from a previous relationship, it goes with the territory. You take the bundle, not fair on the child.
That isn't any major help to the OP, maybe involve another male adult eg your sibling, so that she has a role model and not see all men as dicks when she grows up.

One eyed Jack

Water John wrote: »

Legally yes, morally no, if you begin a relationship with a man or woman who has a child/children from a previous relationship, it goes with the territory. You take the bundle, not fair on the child.

That’s a matter for the individual themselves to decide. If I choose to get into a relationship with someone else, my child is my responsibility, not theirs. He already has his mother, just as the OP’s child thankfully has both parents in her life who appear to be trying to do their best for their daughter. I wouldn’t expect my child should have to be forced into a relationship with someone I choose to be with either. It’s possible to keep the two separate when a relationship ends and a new relationship begins. What’s not fair on the child is expecting that they should be able to slot in and play happy families. It doesn’t work -


Banning the ‘blended’ family: why step-families will never be the same as first families

That isn't any major help to the OP, maybe involve another male adult eg your sibling, so that she has a role model and not see all men as dicks when she grows up.

I wouldn’t assume that’s an inevitability either, the child still has a father.

SusieBlue

Mod Note - Post edited

Not in my experience, I’ve heard of several similar cases to OP and also one involving cousins, all of which ended in a judge finding in favour of the child in question getting access to his siblings.
The judgment was that facilitating a relationship and bond was in the best interests of all children involved.

I agree that the ex’s new partner has no obligation and never suggested otherwise, it wouldn’t seem like a relationship with her would be of benefit to OP’s daughter.

The father sounds absolutely spineless, there is more to parenting than paying your maintenance and showing up to your visits.
He is perpetuating a situation that he KNOWS upsets his child with no real effort made to rectify it, or at least reach a compromise.
The compromise would be getting to meet her brothers and not being treated as an outsider.

If being there for his own child qualifies as ‘putting a strain on his relationship’ than that says a lot about the state of that relationship, to be honest.

At the center of this situation is an emotionally distressed child, she is the one suffering for this and that isn’t fair.
It’s not her fault that her stepmother won’t even be in the same room as her.
She didn’t ask for any of this yet she is the one suffering most. Her father owes it to her to do something to improve this.

lunamoon

This is such a horrible thing to do to a child.

Your ex really needs to step up here but it doesn't seem like he will. You're doing a great job trying to support her.

vetinari

I would think the child has a right to know her half siblings.
Honestly it doesn't even sound like that big a burden on the Ex's partner.
Every other weekend, hang out with the daughter for a few hours with the other kids.
Or even just leave the kids there with the Dad for a few hours.

It's vindictive to leave the house with the kids when the daughter visits.

bertsmom

vetinari wrote:

It's vindictive to leave the house with the kids when the daughter visits.

I totally see where your coming from but maby it's not coming from being vindictive when I was dating a single parent I went out if the child was in the house etc simply because I didn't want to be interacting with a kid I had no interest in.
I understand thats tough for the kid on an ongoing basis with its siblings etc but if there is no interest in their part either to get to know the child its a hard thing to force.
It sounds like this lady's daughter has an amazing mum who totally understands her needs and recognizes whats best but maby its best for her not to be in the company of people who simply dont value her enough.

isohon

OP, my heart goes out to you. This behaviour is absolutely despicable on the part of your ex's partner, and unfortunately I find it hard to say anything much more positive as regards your ex himself.

Adult relationships should never impact on children, and whatever his current partners reasons, her conduct is beyond unacceptable. Have you considered writing a frank letter to the partner? Asking her how she might feel should her own children be subjected to such treatment?

Maybe that would just exacerbate the situation but to be honest, how much longer can it continue like this?

Don't beat yourself up. You prioritized maintaining your child's relationship with her Father, and you have managed to keep it pretty good in the circumstances. The blame definitely does not lie at your door as I see it.

Taiga

sbsquarepants wrote: »

What a shítty thing to do!

Somebody really needs to put a stop to this - there is no way I would allow anybody to treat my child like that, not a hope.

Personally I'd be telling the father if he can't manage to put manners on that weapon he's living with then he'll have to get a hotel room if he want's to spend a weekend with his daughter because there is no way I'd be letting some arsehole like his missus belittle my child.

I know it's not an ideal response/solution but I agree with this post 1000%. I'm livid reading your post Op. Awful situation for the poor child. Luckily she has you as a mother and not that other cretinous yoke.

Dial Hard

Mod Note - post edited
Ah come on. This isn't a situation where she has kids from a previous relationship and so does he - these are the girl's siblings we're talking about. Stopping them from seeing eachother is an incredibly sh!tty stance for her to take.

SusieBlue

No one has advocated for an enforced relationship between the new partner and the child. Not one person.

Tres Say T

Mod Note - Post edited

I'm puzzled....Do you mean that if you were the fiance you wouldn't want to 'play' happy families? Both myself and my ex are in new relationships. If I were to have another child with my current partner do you think I should cut out my partners child to play happy families with my 'new' family and just get on with my new life? She just wants to know her brothers. She would like for his fiance to like her too but if this is unattainable then why can't she cut herself out for a few hours every so often? I can't make her do that though.
My daughter has done nothing for her to dislike her besides being born to an ex partner. I'm not pandering to my daughters idle or baseless demands. Do you really think a person shouldn't be made feel morally culpable in this situation? Should I tell my daughter to get over it and just get on with it? That she has no rights here and that there is no point in getting so upset? .... Perhaps you are right. I accepted the situation for some time but I'm afraid that this acceptance will be damaging to her in the future which is why I started this thread. It keeps coming back up. I really feel like I'm just sticking my head in the sand. What example should I set?

Tres Say T

Mod Note - Post edited

I'm beginning to see the stance she has on things through you...thanks at least for that

mvl

Tres Say T wrote: »

I'm puzzled....Do you mean that if you were the fiance you wouldn't want to 'play' happy families? Both myself and my ex are in new relationships. If I were to have another child with my current partner do you think I should cut out my partners child to play happy families with my 'new' family and just get on with my new life? She just wants to know her brothers. She would like for his fiance to like her too but if this is unattainable then why can't she cut herself out for a few hours every so often?

really feel for the girl. sounds to me she might be interested in being part of a family with "dad & siblings" - sometimes even what other kids in her entourage have might contribute to her feeling odd without one.
just a suggestion, as this improved the situation with my daughter feeling lonely in past (lonely for not having siblings and/or not too many family members around): you know some dog breeds can be so affectionate, would she be interested in having her own ?
- our small dog has done wonders for us, the 3 of us are smitten with it.

Innocent123

MOd Note - Post edited

I actually think its completely unreasonable to keep siblings apart like this, I can't understand how anyone could think otherwise, whatever is the relationship between the adults, its not the fault of the children stuck in the middle of this. I hope they have a plan to help those children "process" it when they're grown up and find out. Also, if it was me and my new partner was so adamant about not wanting to be around my child ever(once in a long term relationship), I'd certainly be re-evaluating the relationship

cannotlogin

I don't have kids so maybe this is a silly suggestion but I find that when dealing with selfish people (like your ex) you often have to appeal to their selfishness as they tend to assess a situation from a "what's in it for them" perspective.

Could you suggest he drops his other children over to you for an hour or two to spend time with your daughter, or suggest you take them all on a trip to the zoo etc? They might be happy with some free babysitting, given their selfish nature.

isohon

cannotlogin wrote: »

I don't have kids so maybe this is a silly suggestion but I find that when dealing with selfish people (like your ex) you often have to appeal to their selfishness as they tend to assess a situation from a "what's in it for them" perspective.

Could you suggest he drops his other children over to you for an hour or two to spend time with your daughter, or suggest you take them all on a trip to the zoo etc? They might be happy with some free babysitting, given their selfish nature.

That's an interesting suggestion. And one that would be a lot less confrontational than any I'd thought of.

At the very least it could not hurt to offer surely

isohon

Mod Note - Post edited

No sorry, one can understand that people have different opinions that doesn't mean their opinions can't be objectively awful. And the idea that is reasonable that an adult would adopt a hostile and exclusionary approach to the child of their partner is just nonsense and all round terrible.

jlm29

Mod Note - Post edited

Protect her children from what though? I find this baffling. They share a parent, they’re not random strangers. The ex partner has the same connection genetically to all of the children. He treats one of them a bit like a second class citizen, but genetically there’s no difference between any of them.

Jimmy Garlic

Mod Note - Post edited
Protect them from what? Children should not be used as weapons in any circumstance, and that seems to be what the ops ex and fiance are doing.

mvl

Mod Note - Post edited


I dare to think this woman might have lots of insecurities. pretty lame.

strandroad

Mod Note - Post edited

They share a father, how is that completely distinct and separate?

Have you read the OP - they are not his current partner's children with someone else, they are half siblings.

Mod Note - Post edited

Jesus..

volchitsa

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ah come on. This isn't a situation where she has kids from a previous relationship and so does he - these are the girl's siblings we're talking about. Stopping them from seeing eachother is an incredibly ****ty stance for her to take.

It really is, and as someone else said, when the other children realize that they have an older sister who visited regularly but they were never allowed to see, I'd be very surprised if that didn't become a huge issue in the family. I've seen something similar in my own extended family, where the second family was never allowed to be in contact with the first family, and it caused almost as much pain to the second set of siblings when they found out as it had done for all those years to the first set.

OP I just wanted to agree with posters who have said you seem to be doing a great job yourself in difficult circumstances, you've had some good advice about trying to get some outside help for your daughter and so on.

I'd be very reluctant if I were you to stop access off your own bat. Unless a psychological evaluation finds that she is better off not seeing him at all, I think it's likely to be used against you in various ways. Diffferent if it comes from a neutral observer of course.

Ideally you need to get your ex to see that this hurts because your daughter and her siblings. Easier said than done I know, but you might find that his current partner is more concerned by the idea that her own children may resent her for this later on than she is about your child.

Perhaps they could stay with their father to meet her, at least from time to time, and the ex could still leave if she wants? Would that be feasible?

volchitsa

Mod Note - Post edited
They're not separate and completely distinct families though, there is only one father, and he has a moral duty to have the same relationship with the daughter from the previous relationship as he does with the others. And yes I know many fathers do show less care about their children from previous relationships, but it's totally unacceptable.

Yet this child is being treated as a pariah, unfit to be in contact with her half brothers and sisters. There's just no excuse for that.

Tres Say T

[QUOTE=How clear does she need to be before the OP takes the hint? Certainly her 11 year old daughter gets it.
He has his fiancée and three other children to consider also. It sounds as though he wants to keep the two families separate so that one isn’t interfering with the other, but he appears to be struggling to cope himself. I just think he’s been unfairly castigated in this thread when even the OP wasn’t that harsh in her portrayal of him.


Trying to force the issue now will inevitably lead to a bad outcome for all involved.[/QUOTE]

I have lost all respect for my Ex, his refusal to stand up for his daughter and his inculpable behaviour is all very shocking to me. He holidays with his family, goes on outings and brings our daughter nowhere. She's stuck in that house. He cleans on a Saturday. I have taught her how to swim, cycle a bike, rollerskate, write, spell, play music, play cards etc. etc. I can't think of anyting he has taught her. Don't misconstrue my lack of harshness as a shining beacon of light for this man.
In my eyes, most people would treat a strangers child with more kindness. She is very much with me the majority of the time, not interfering with their 'playing' as you put it 'happy families'. If he had her for an extra day - it would be owed back to him. 4 days a month he sees her.
I think that perhaps you have instigated and been very much part of a similar situation? Not all people are the same this is true. I have accepted that. My daughter most certainly has not. Even an adult would find it hard to deal with this type of rejection. To be ostrasiced so obviously. I do however appreciate your input in so far as I can see how one might justify this sort of behaviour.

Purple Mountain

Would you turn the tables for a few months and tell her that because his partner is obviously so uncomfortable of the child visiting, dad can come to your county for the next visits?
I'm not saying have him under your feet in your home, but could he collect her at your house and take her out for a few hours locally?
Might make them see how they're behaving and putting you and your daughter out if they are inconvenienced for a few months too.