Drinking wife

Wannabe6610 · 16-07-2019 1:12pm #1

Have a problem with wife drinking, we got married last year after been together for 7 years, she always liked a drink but since Christmas she drinking vodka like half a bottle a day or more, sometime even gets into the car and drives, she'll stop it for a few days when she knows shes gone too far, but it's still hidden all around the house, and shes never to blame, iv tried talking to her about it and the doctor has too, I just dont know what to do anymore it unbearable sometimes to see what shes doing to herself shes only 30

Mod note

This thread has gone way of course.

TheBoyConor - do not post in this thread again.

To all other posters, please no commenting on previous posters' advice. Posts should relate to the original posters query.

Wannabe6610, this thread may be better suited to the Personal Issues forum. Please let me or one of the other mods know if you would like it moved over there.

Graces7 · 16-07-2019 1:43pm

Wannabe6610 wrote: »

Have a problem with wife drinking, we got married last year after been together for 7 years, she always liked a drink but since Christmas she drinking vodka like half a bottle a day or more, sometime even gets into the car and drives, she'll stop it for a few days when she knows shes gone too far, but it's still hidden all around the house, and shes never to blame, iv tried talking to her about it and the doctor has too, I just dont know what to do anymore it unbearable sometimes to see what shes doing to herself shes only 30

So sorry for your trouble.

Please think about taking her car keys away? hope that does not offend but reading that she drink drives makes me cringe

Wannabe6610 · 16-07-2019 6:09pm

Yes I do take them off her when shes drinking

Car99 · 16-07-2019 6:14pm

Your wife needs help but you also need support. Talk to people with experience of Alcoholism.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org

Infernal Racket · 16-07-2019 6:14pm

My sister is a chronic alcoholic for almost 20 years. This is how it started. We had her arrested and she was convicted of drink driving but it didnt make a blind bit of difference. Terrible thing and tore our family apart. My advice, tough and all as it might seem is to put her out of the house until she sorts herself out. Nobody can help an alcoholic if they dont want to be helped

Graces7 · 19-07-2019 12:37pm

OP; how are you?

Tina82 · 19-07-2019 1:34pm

unfortately you normally cant help them til they reach rock bottom and look for the help themselves. Is their any children involved ? Tough situation for you Wannabe6610....take care of yourself aswell.

JustAThought · 19-07-2019 1:40pm

Why is.she drinking so.much - is it a new thing or have you only moved in together and noticed it now? Had she hidden it up to now or did it escallate recently? Has there been a bereavement or event that might have triggered it or made her drinking get worse? Does she drink alone or have a daytime drinking buddy?

Does she work or do.you have kids? Obviously you dont want a drunk in charge of your kids when alone or the kids seeing that as normal.

Otherwise maybe she needs a hobby/job/volunteering somewhere to keep her away from the booze. Its harder to booze when you have to function.

Where does she be driving in the car - supermarket?schoolrun?

Wannabe6610 · 20-07-2019 9:44pm

JustAThought wrote: »

Why is.she drinking so.much - is it a new thing or have you only moved in together and noticed it now? Had she hidden it up to now or did it escallate recently? Has there been a bereavement or event that might have triggered it or made her drinking get worse? Does she drink alone or have a daytime drinking buddy?

Does she work or do.you have kids? Obviously you dont want a drunk in charge of your kids when alone or the kids seeing that as normal.

Otherwise maybe she needs a hobby/job/volunteering somewhere to keep her away from the booze. Its harder to booze when you have to function.

Where does she be driving in the car - supermarket?schoolrun?

No kids luckly enough it's only started bad since Christmas we have lived together for 6 year, shes not working the last few weeks she got made redundant few months ago and got a 3 month contract after that but it finished two weeks ago, she drives to get more drink not very often thou cause I hid the keys away, she has gone through alot growing up and did go for counselling at the start of the year but didnt want to go and was drinking after it so it didnt help

Wannabe6610 · 20-07-2019 9:46pm

Graces7 wrote: »

OP; how are you?

Ah I'm ok just worried about her, it will either work out or I'll walk away knowing I tried my best

Graces7 · 22-07-2019 11:38am

Wannabe6610 wrote: »

Ah I'm ok just worried about her, it will either work out or I'll walk away knowing I tried my best

I have a friend in the US with a sister who is a serious drinker and they go through all this. she has been in rehab and wondering if that might help your wife?

Had some contact with this place when a friend here was there

http://www.whiteoakscentre.com/home

Seth Brundle · 22-07-2019 12:07pm

Graces7 wrote: »

I have a friend in the US with a sister who is a serious drinker and they go through all this. she has been in rehab and wondering if that might help your wife?

Had some contact with this place when a friend here was there

http://www.whiteoakscentre.com/home

Rehab is no use to someone if they don't really want to overcome the illness.

SusieBlue · 22-07-2019 12:34pm

You cannot help her until she herself accepts she needs help. Suggesting therapy, rehab etc. are all fruitless endeavours unless she admits she has an issue and has the motivation to make that change herself.
All you can do in the meantime is try to be supportive and look after yourself.

I would strongly advise you to attend some Al-Anon meetings yourself, to get some advice on coping tactics and help with protecting yourself during this time.
I myself found them invaluable and a big support when going through similar. Best of luck.

TheBoyConor · 22-07-2019 12:52pm

Wannabe6610 wrote: »

Ah I'm ok just worried about her, it will either work out or I'll walk away knowing I tried my best

I can tell you this - it won't work out. She is addicted and the only person who can help is hereself when she want's to change her ways and she will only do that when she gets to the lowest rock bottom.

My theory would be to speed things up by assisting her in getting to rock bottom.
Dump her. Kick her out of the house. Have the gardai arrest her next time she drink drives. All things that could be done within the week and could have her at rock bottom and then she needs to decide what to do with herself.

noubliezjamais · 22-07-2019 1:39pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I can tell you this - it won't work out. She is addicted and the only person who can help is hereself when she want's to change her ways and she will only do that when she gets to the lowest rock bottom.

My theory would be to speed things up by assisting her in getting to rock bottom.
Dump her. Kick her out of the house. Have the gardai arrest her next time she drink drives. All things that could be done within the week and could have her at rock bottom and then she needs to decide what to do with herself.

And make her homeless?

If she pays the mortgage then isn't it half their house?

I just don't know about kicking her out of the house. I know what people mean about rock bottom but does that really materialize into getting yourself together? Wouldn't that just lead her to stealing, going to prison, homelessness and an endless cycle?

TheBoyConor · 22-07-2019 1:50pm

Sure there are plenty of womens refuges, homeless services she can present to. Council homeless service will put her in a bnb or hotel anyway.

If she is not working she is not contributing to the mortgage.
If she is drunk in the house she is a danger to op - she could set the house on fire or flood it or something.
And why should OP be forced to live with someone as bad as this.

SusieBlue · 22-07-2019 2:16pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I can tell you this - it won't work out. She is addicted and the only person who can help is hereself when she want's to change her ways and she will only do that when she gets to the lowest rock bottom.

My theory would be to speed things up by assisting her in getting to rock bottom.
Dump her. Kick her out of the house. Have the gardai arrest her next time she drink drives. All things that could be done within the week and could have her at rock bottom and then she needs to decide what to do with herself.

This is awful advice. Someone hitting rock bottom is no guarantee of them suddenly being inspired to get help.
If kicking people out of home worked, there would be no homeless people with alcoholism on the streets.

Tactics like the above will only cause a further breakdown in communication and add hostility to an already sensitive situation.

Ultimatums don't work with people with addiction issues, in most cases it just makes them dig their heels in even further.
They aren't thinking or acting rationally because of the addiction so OP would be upsetting himself FAR MORE than he'd be upsetting her if he threw her out.

Al-Anon for OP is the way to go. They can fully advise him on what course of action is best to take.

Obviously if he cannot take her keys from her and she gets into the car, he should report her to the Guards in the interest of public safety, but kicking her out of the family home at this moment in time is not going to inspire her to confront her issue. If anything it'll have the opposite effect.

And why should OP be forced to live with someone as bad as this.

He shouldn't have to, but he loves her. It isn't so simple when the person causing all the pain and trouble is someone you love and deeply care about. Oversimplified advice such as "just kick her out" is useless when he is in love with her and isn't going to do that.

Darc19 · 22-07-2019 2:29pm

Phenomenally difficult situation.

My best friend had similar issues.

In discussions we've had and he had with professionals, there's usually an underlying problem that goes back a long time.

Dysfunctional family, not getting on with parents, or something that happened to her long ago that has come to the fore.

There's no real answer to your question.

I'd discuss it with your own family - parents, siblings. This will give some relief as you won't need to hide her problem.

Look at how you can cut off means of funds.

Unfortunately you can't force medical or addiction care on her and she has to want to do it.

She will blame everyone and will become an expert on deflection. You'll find alcohol in bottles of water, cans of coke and other places - even shampoo bottles.

It is a valid reason for both divorce and annulment as you did not know about it before you got married and sometimes you have to accept that it's not your issue and you have to look after yourself.

juneg · 22-07-2019 2:37pm

Depression is at the heart of this. She needs to go to the doctor and start on medication. Then she won't feel the need to self medicate with vodka.
The op is only recently married , probably young and has no children. If he was my son I would be advising him to examine his life choices at this time. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect to have a marriage and bring children into the world in a stable home.

22-07-2019 2:46pm

Gerry G wrote: »

My sister is a chronic alcoholic for almost 20 years. This is how it started. We had her arrested and she was convicted of drink driving but it didnt make a blind bit of difference. Terrible thing and tore our family apart. My advice, tough and all as it might seem is to put her out of the house until she sorts herself out. Nobody can help an alcoholic if they dont want to be helped

This seems crazy to me. I think compassion is what is needed to cure addiction, not compounding problems.

decky1 · 22-07-2019 3:04pm

Gerry G wrote: »

My sister is a chronic alcoholic for almost 20 years. This is how it started. We had her arrested and she was convicted of drink driving but it didnt make a blind bit of difference. Terrible thing and tore our family apart. My advice, tough and all as it might seem is to put her out of the house until she sorts herself out. Nobody can help an alcoholic if they dont want to be helped

'Put her out of the house' jesus if it was only that easy.:rolleyes:

Johnny Wilcox · 22-07-2019 3:04pm

Hi OP,
I am in a similar situation as you.
My wife has always been a heavy drinker on nights out, however, since last Christmas she has been drinking a bottle of red wine every night... sometimes more. Amazingly she gets by on 4 hours sleep per night and is able to function the following day...drives to work, works a full day etc. I discovered last September that she was having an affair and we are currently dealing with the legal separation process. We have a 6 year old son who sees Mommy drinking in her bedroom at night and the empty wine bottle on her bedroom floor the morning after.
My advice to you is to get support for yourself, confide in a good friend / family. You are lucky that you do not have children. Now is your opportunity to leave before the situation gets any worse. It is a stressful time for you.
Feel free to PM me if you wish.
Best of luck.

decky1 · 22-07-2019 3:10pm

Johnny Wilcox wrote: »

Hi OP,
I am in a similar situation as you.
My wife has always been a heavy drinker on nights out, however, since last Christmas she has been drinking a bottle of red wine every night... sometimes more. Amazingly she gets by on 4 hours sleep per night and is able to function the following day...drives to work, works a full day etc. I discovered last September that she was having an affair and we are currently dealing with the legal separation process. We have a 6 year old son who sees Mommy drinking in her bedroom at night and the empty wine bottle on her bedroom floor the morning after.
My advice to you is to get support for yourself, confide in a good friend / family. You are lucky that you do not have children. Now is your opportunity to leave before the situation gets any worse. It is a stressful time for you.
Feel free to PM me if you wish.
Best of luck.

it's easy to say leave ,i'm in a situation [no drink involved] but can't afford to leave and i don't think this chap should have to leave because of her either, when this crops up suddenly they know their entitlements and they can't be put out.

Old Perry · 22-07-2019 3:13pm

Offer her an ultimatum asap. If things don't improve walk. Your at a stage now where u can just have the marriage annulled and not have to deal with a drawn out divorce. Best wishes.

Tell me how · 22-07-2019 3:19pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I can tell you this - it won't work out. She is addicted and the only person who can help is hereself when she want's to change her ways and she will only do that when she gets to the lowest rock bottom.

My theory would be to speed things up by assisting her in getting to rock bottom.
Dump her. Kick her out of the house. Have the gardai arrest her next time she drink drives. All things that could be done within the week and could have her at rock bottom and then she needs to decide what to do with herself.

Please don't do this. Some of the worst advice I've seen boards.

She's had what can be traumatic experiences both in being made redundant and starting counselling to explore early life issues.
You sound caring and supportive. Try to encourage her to get help even though, yes, ultimately it will rest on her shoulders whether she persists or not.

Tell me how · 22-07-2019 3:23pm

juneg wrote: »

Depression is at the heart of this. She needs to go to the doctor and start on medication. Then she won't feel the need to self medicate with vodka.
The op is only recently married , probably young and has no children. If he was my son I would be advising him to examine his life choices at this time. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect to have a marriage and bring children into the world in a stable home.

What about the whole 'for better or worse' part of martial vows?

If his wife was your daughter would be so quick to examine life choices?

Also, you've no idea whether depression is the root cause or if so whether medication is an appropriate course of action.

juneg · 22-07-2019 3:42pm

Tell me how wrote: »

What about the whole 'for better or worse' part of martial vows?

If his wife was your daughter would be so quick to examine life choices?

Also, you've no idea whether depression is the root cause or if so whether medication is an appropriate course of action.

People don't suddenly become alcoholic in their thirties with no underlying cause. I would have my daughter out of there faster than my son for your information.

Lesalare · 22-07-2019 3:46pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

My theory would be to speed things up by assisting her in getting to rock bottom. Dump her. Kick her out of the house. Have the gardai arrest her next time she drink drives. All things that could be done within the week and could have her at rock bottom and then she needs to decide what to do with herself.

What an appalling attitude. Worst advice I have read on here.

This woman needs love and care. Alcoholism is a disease.
Nobody wants to be an alcoholic or dependant on booze every day.

This woman, God love her, is going through a very bad time and she's probably very depressed. So many people who have never experienced what it's like to live in the shoes of someone whose life is controlled by alcohol and they have zero iota what it's like to be in this situ.

People drink like this to escape and numb reality. Losing her job is probably a massive factor here and she's on a downward spiral which is out of her control as alcohol is like a little monster inside her head telling her each day 'Your life is sh*te and just repeat what you did yesterday to avoid the ****tiness of your situ, numb everything out and you'll deal with it tomorrow" rinse and repeat.

To the OP I would suggest you sit down with your wife and in a very kind and meaningful manner explain to her how much this is hurting you. If she can't accept she has an issue (which is common as most alcohol dependant people are mortified they have an issue), you have to try to make her understand that you are concerned for her as you love her and you are not judging her. She has lost her way and she needs support and help to get her back on track.

There are some excellent videos on YouTube by recovering alcoholics. They could be good to watch as they will help make her see what she is doing is not 'normal' and it's going to get worse. They might help her see she has a problem.

The attitude to alcohol in Ireland is disgraceful. It's the fifth most addictive substance on the plant. The culture here is rampant to promote booze left, right and centre.

Ideally you want her to come to the realisation she is developing a very dangerous addiction and it's going to totally destroy her life. Its a very tough situ for you.

SusieBlue · 22-07-2019 3:46pm

juneg wrote: »

People don't suddenly become alcoholic in their thirties with no underlying cause. I would have my daughter out of there faster than my son for your information.

I think PP meant if your daughter was the one drinking excessively and struggling to get a handle on things, would you be as quick to suggest her husband throw her out of the house - I think not.

juneg · 22-07-2019 3:50pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

I think PP meant if your daughter was the one drinking excessively and struggling to get a handle on things, would you be as quick to suggest her husband throw her out of the house - I think not.

I understand what he meant and I meant that I would support my daughter in her time of need and if she needed to come home out of a broken marraige to rebuild her life then I would support her.

22-07-2019 3:55pm

Hi OP.

It's a terrible situation you are in. I have experience of that situation but from the other side. I was/am the problem drinker.

I can only echo what has been said here. She needs to help herself. Until she decides to stop, you are powerless.

Please do not take the advice of throwing her out. That will do nothing but harm.

It's very rare you will meet an alcoholic that enjoys it. You need to sit down and have a proper talk with her to find out why she is doing this to herself. Offer to be there and to go get help with her, and tell her that you are concerned.

Do what you can, but don't give an ultimatum. If you have any specific questions, just send me a message.

Good luck op.

Drinking wife

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