Does the "asking for hand in marriage" tradition still go on?

Bizybird

Hi Folks!

Just wondering what everyone's general opinion would be regarding my partner asking my dad for my hand in marriage.

Do people still do this? We plan on getting engaged soon. I guess you could say we pretty much are. Just saving for the ring at the moment. We're together 5 years and have a 1 year old son so I guess you could say it's serious 😂.

Jokes aside, we know we're in it for the long haul, that's been agreed, as has me not wanting the "down on one knee" proposal. That's just a personal thing for me! But because we know we're getting married, getting engaged, is there still a need for him to ask? I was actually hoping to surprise my parents with the engagement, which I know they'd be thrilled with! But I can't help but wonder if my partner would be judged especially if my sister's partner does decide to ask my father (her engagement will be a surprise) when the time comes for them.

All opinions will be well received!

TIA

Zaph

I certainly didn't do it before I proposed to my wife. In this day and age it's a ridiculous, outdated notion whereby the woman is almost the "property" of her father and is his to "give away". You're already in a long-standing, modern day relationship, why would you want to do something from the Dark Ages? And I know some people argue that it shows respect to the woman's parents, but what respect needs to be demonstrated at this stage after 5 years?

eviltwin

Why do you think your partner would be judged?

Judged by who and for what?

Slattsy

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

Jasper79

Bizybird wrote: »

Hi Folks!

Just wondering what everyone's general opinion would be regarding my partner asking my dad for my hand in marriage.

Do people still do this? We plan on getting engaged soon. I guess you could say we pretty much are. Just saving for the ring at the moment. We're together 5 years and have a 1 year old son so I guess you could say it's serious 😂.

Jokes aside, we know we're in it for the long haul, that's been agreed, as has me not wanting the "down on one knee" proposal. That's just a personal thing for me! But because we know we're getting married, getting engaged, is there still a need for him to ask? I was actually hoping to surprise my parents with the engagement, which I know they'd be thrilled with! But I can't help but wonder if my partner would be judged especially if my sister's partner does decide to ask my father (her engagement will be a surprise) when the time comes for them.

All opinions will be well received!

TIA

I didn't and know wife wouldn't had wanted it anyways its an outdated tradition in my opinion. Only person that needs to be asked is the partner.

El_Duderino 09

It depends on the inlaws. My FIL would probably have preferred if I had done it. But he would by no means hold it against me. My Mrs wouldn't have minded of I did it either because she's on great terms with her parents and would like them to.be happy, even though the idea is completely outdated.

I remember a few years beforehand I pulled him aside for a chat and I think he thought I was going to ask. In fact it was something I wanted his advice on. Not sure if he was disappointed or not in the end. In reality, he knows his daughter isn't the most traditional so I would always have decided to get married with her before talking to parents about it.

If you think your parents in law would appreciate it, then it can do little harm. Ebven if you get engaged and then "ask permission" after as a courtesy.

Zaph

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

That's complete and utter nonsense. I respect my wife's parents and have had a very good relationship with them since I first met them. I don't respect them any less because I didn't ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. In fact it would have been hugely disrespectful to my wife as I know it's something she really wouldn't have wanted me to do.

Electric Nitwit

I didn't, and wouldn't have dreamt of it. I know my wife would have been offended by, as Zaph said above, the outdated notion whereby the woman is almost the "property" of her father. I think (anecdotally) it's getting pretty rare these days

Pawwed Rig

I would say it is disrespectful to the partner. Almost as if her opinion is an after thought. If a guy asked me for my 'daughters hand' I would be telling him that she can make her own decisions without needing her Dad's approval.


At least I hope she will. She is only 3 so if I still have to make decisions for her when she is of age I will consider my parenting a failure.

It's not so much asking their permission, more a case of telling them your intention, for which you'll got their blessing.

People still like it as a bit of tradition, but I think you would usually have heard your gf's opinion.

shane b

I agree it depends on the in-laws age and views. My in laws are in their late 60 and would have grown up with that tradition.
I did ask permission regarding my wife. My bother in law didn't ask permission and it's still a bit of a sore point 4 years later.

GDK_11

Whatever you want here I reckon. I spoke to my her dad before I popped the question, but I didn’t ask him, I kind of told him I would be doing it. Had he had said I don’t want you marrying my daughter (not that he would have) I still would have asked her anyway.

I never saw it as she was her dads to give away, just a respect thing from my side and she was happy I did it to.

Whatever works for you, personally don’t see a right or wrong here.

julyjane

I would marry my fiancé if he'd asked my father's permission first. Having said that I'd love to be a fly on the wall when the conversation took place because my father would probably only laugh at him and ask him did he know what he was letting himself in for.

jaxxx

F*ck tradition. If a woman asks a man to marry her, does she need to ask his parents 'permission'? GTFO with these archaic practices and wake up. It's got nothing to do with 'respect' for the parents. 'Tradition' is nothing but an excuse to justify something that there is no justification for. It used to be 'tradition' for only males to vote. It used to be 'tradition' for left handed people to be forced to use their right hands. As I said already, f*ck tradition".

^ I'm male btw, just FYI.

Pawwed Rig

GDK_11 wrote: »

Whatever you want here I reckon. I spoke to my now her dad before I popped the question, but I didn’t ask him, I kind of told him I would be doing it. Had he had said I don’t want you marrying my daughter (not that he would have) I still would have asked her anyway.

I never saw it as she was her dads to give away, just a respect thing from my side and she was happy I did it to.

Whatever works for you, personally don’t see a right or wrong here.

So do you not 'respect' her mother?

TheChizler

I kind of did it recently, normally wouldn't entertain that nonsense but I knew my fianceé wanted me to talk to him first. So I gave him a heads up basically. It was a lovely man to man moment actually, and my fianceé was delighted afterwards. I knew she knew I was planning on proposing and we'd jokingly discussed talking to him beforehand, wouldn't have done it if it was something out of the blue.

Slattsy

Zaph wrote: »

That's complete and utter nonsense. I respect my wife's parents and have had a very good relationship with them since I first met them. I don't respect them any less because I didn't ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. In fact it would have been hugely disrespectful to my wife as I know it's something she really wouldn't have wanted me to do.

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.

Point above stands.

jaxxx

Another thing, why has it got the be the father that has to be asked? The mother has no say then? Blatant misogyny in disguise, on 2 levels!

Slattsy wrote: »

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.

Point above stands.

BULLSH*T!

GDK_11

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

So do you not 'respect' her mother?

Absolutely I respect her mother. The issue is whilst her mother is a lovely person she also likes to gossip a bit, chances are my then girlfriend would have known of the planned engagement before I had asked her

Zaph

Slattsy wrote: »

Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.

Point above stands.

I've no idea how you come to that conclusion. Your point above is complete and utter nonsense, whether you believe it stands or not.

jaxxx

Zaph wrote: »

I've no idea how you come to that conclusion. Your point above is complete and utter nonsense, whether you believe it stands or not.

I believe the "logic" goes something like this........

Toots

Folks, just a reminder to keep it civil. Everyone has different views on this topic, so please be respectful of that in the discussion.

jaxxx

Toots wrote: »

Folks, just a reminder to keep it civil. Everyone has different views on this topic, so please be respectful of that in the discussion.

Your name reminds me of the poor wee doggo in the lassie movie with Peter Dinklage from many moons ago

Scarinae

It really depends on the parents and on the woman herself (sidenote - what happens in same-sex relationships? If it is two women getting married, are they both expected to ask the other's father for permission?)

I talked about it with my fiancé and we agreed that we would talk to both of my parents and ask for their blessing before we told everyone else that we were engaged. Although we'd already started the wedding planning by then so it wouldn't have made any difference if they'd unexpectedly said they didn't agree with our decision.

My sister's husband asked my father for permission, and he said it was up to her and not him! Although he jokingly brought up in his speech on the wedding day that he'd never technically given permission. My brother didn't ask his wife's father for permission, as he knew she wouldn't have liked it.

I'm pretty sure my father didn't ask my mother's parents for permission before they got engaged (in the 70s) as my mother has told me about calling home to tell her family the news. So in my family it certainly wouldn't be the norm, you just need to know your audience.

Vote4Napoleon

Zaph wrote:

I've no idea how you come to that conclusion. Your point above is complete and utter nonsense, whether you believe it stands or not.

Deep breaths and count to ten

HamSarris

Of course it’s the right thing to do. He will no longer have a daughter to plough the fields and wash his clothes.

Fall_Guy

jaxxx wrote: »

F*ck tradition. If a woman asks a man to marry her, does she need to ask his parents 'permission'? GTFO with these archaic practices and wake up. It's got nothing to do with 'respect' for the parents. 'Tradition' is nothing but an excuse to justify something that there is no justification for. It used to be 'tradition' for only males to vote. It used to be 'tradition' for left handed people to be forced to use their right hands. As I said already, f*ck tradition".

^ I'm male btw, just FYI.

I think you are taking an extreme view of things here..... Yes, tradition can be used to justify the unjustifiable, or allow old institutions to hang on to power or influence they should no longer have in a modern society (I'm thinking along the lines of the tradition of non-practicing catholics continuing to baptise their kids, which allows the Catholic Church to point to this tradition in maintaining their stranglehold on education, for example).

But I think this case is more benevolent, the fact that the practice endures in many cases isn't an attempt on anyone's part to cling onto the bygone days of giving away your prized daughter or dowries or the likes, any more than a father "giving away" his daughter during the ceremony is.

For the record, I didn't ask, or even tell, my father in law before asking my wife. And as it turned out, to my shock, she would have liked me to. She is a vocal feminist in most areas, though we are all more than a catch-all term, and can place value on certain things regardless of any general world view we may generally identify with.

I didn't consider it a sign of disrespect not to ask her father, on the contrary I would have considered it a sign of disrespect to ask, for the reasons you outlined above. It just happened that, in my case, I was wrong.

Do whatever feels right to you.

listermint

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

I didn't ask my in-laws. My wife would have scoffed at it too. I've gotten on great with them before and after.

Frankly probably better than the brother in law who did ask, slightly favourite in that aspect.

Amazing how someone's views can be so skewed to be absurd.

Traditional? Pffft sorry , delusions of grandeur and some notion that it gives you kudos respect points.... It doesn't

VW 1

All depends on the partner and parent. My wife's father is old school like that so I mentioned I was going to propose a few days before I did. No permission asked. He was delighted that I did, and so was my wife when I told her I had spoken with him. Horses for courses, you know your partner and her father, do what you think is best OP.

Scarinae

shane b wrote: »

My bother in law didn't ask permission and it's still a bit of a sore point 4 years later.

This would really annoy me if I was in his position, they've held a grudge about it for four years?

Mrs OBumble

Slattsy wrote: »

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

How many cows and/ or road frontage would you expect the parents to provide for each of their daughters?

Addle

Do you think will you have a ‘traditional’ wedding where her dad will walk her down the aisle/give her away?
Will she wear a white dress?
Will it mostly be men making speeches on the day?
Will she take your name, wear your engagement ring?
Then I don’t see why she’d object to or be offended by you letting her dad know you’re going to propose.

mirrorwall14

I think in a lot of cases it’s more a ‘I’m letting you know I will be proposing’ as opposed to the getting permission of old. My husband told my dad. They had a lovely moment and I thought it was nice. I might have thought it was less nice if it was permission he asked 😂😂

lawred2

Asking the father is absolute nonsense

lawred2

Scarinae wrote: »

This would really annoy me if I was in his position, they've held a grudge about it for four years?

Same.

WAW

Congratulations OP. Whatever works for yourselves OP, I'd say. We decided between the two of us to get married, neither asked the other. Then I rang his mother and he rang my father
( keeping it all egalitarian!), out of courtesy and respect not as in asking for their child's hand in marriage but more to include the parents, for their blessing on our intentions and to accept us into their families. But we were together a long time and parents knew us. It was more about them and what would have made them happy. It's always good to show respect to your own and intended's parents ( all things being equal), however you decide to show that respect. It's a mark of good character. It costs nothing, builds relationships, keeps your spouse happy and sets a good example to any children you might have. But, asking for hand in marriage isn't necessary, just if it's something yourselves feel like doing. No harm will come from such a tradition made with your own modern intentions, some offence may be taken from not doing it. Best of luck in your marriage.

Zaph

Zaph wrote: »

I certainly didn't do it before I proposed to my wife. In this day and age it's a ridiculous, outdated notion whereby the woman is almost the "property" of her father and is his to "give away". You're already in a long-standing, modern day relationship, why would you want to do something from the Dark Ages? And I know some people argue that it shows respect to the woman's parents, but what respect needs to be demonstrated at this stage after 5 years?

Or you judge your own situation best.

Easily argued that a diamond ring is outdated, as is the pressure all on the guy to propose, or welcoming into family, and definitely taking husband's family name.

OP you know your partner, is this something she wants/expects? Because she is your concern, not her parents.
I knew mine did so felt a responsibility to do it for her, hated every second of doing it and her father and I both knew that I was informing him and not asking him but it was a tradition which I knew would make my parnter happy.
No harm

robinph

shane b wrote: »

I agree it depends on the in-laws age and views. My in laws are in their late 60 and would have grown up with that tradition.
I did ask permission regarding my wife. My bother in law didn't ask permission and it's still a bit of a sore point 4 years later.

Is there some kind of weird time dilation effect going on where once someone turns 60 they suddenly grew up in the 1800's rather than the 1960's and 70's?

CyrilFiggis

I read a similar thread to this a few years ago - a poster insisted you had to ask the father before you spoke to your would-be fiancée because it ‘shows respect’.

Another poster asked him so, if the father says no, you won’t marry your girlfriend? The response was that he would of course marry her anyway. The second poster pointed out quite rightly that there was very little respect involved then.

Agree that it’s an outdated concept and needs to be relegated to history (my dad, 60s, would be disgusted if someone thought to ask him before his daughter and would lose all respect for the man!)

Zubeneschamali

In the OP's situation, where they are in fact already planning to get married and the whole engagement business is just a matter of announcing it, I'd be fine with keeping the father-in-law onside.

The caveman version is where yerman asks permission for a surprise proposal and would cancel if the da says no.

As a father, I would definitely tell any such idiot no.

citygal93

My partner and I had some conversations about this before we got engaged and I always told him that I would never want him to ask my parents "permission" - to be honest I think it would go against everything our relationship stands for. We're very much an "equal" couple and were living together 3 years before we got engaged - why on earth would he need to ask my parents permission for something that is so personal to the two of us? I'm baffled by the post above suggesting that he doesn't respect my parents for not asking them. At the end of the day this was a major decision between me and my partner. Not my parents and my partner.

theteal

I don't see it as asking permission, more of a "just letting you know" - sure her mother and sister were in the room at the time. The only persons permission you need is the OH.

Myself and MrsTeal had talked about it beforehand and she reckoned it would be a nice idea. I wrecked their heads by waiting a few months later before "officially" asking her - I had to make it something of a surprise.

PhoenixParker

Scarinae wrote: »

I talked about it with my fiancé and we agreed that we would talk to both of my parents and ask for their blessing before we told everyone else that we were engaged. Although we'd already started the wedding planning by then so it wouldn't have made any difference if they'd unexpectedly said they didn't agree with our decision.

This is more in keeping with traditional 19th century practice then the so-called "tradition" of asking Dad before asking the lady herself.

If you read your Jane Austen and similar novels of that era, it's exactly what occurs. Mr Darcy, for instance proposes to Elizabeth and gets rejected, no father involved. When he proposes again and gets accepted they return to her house. He goes and talks to her father and she tells her mom and sisters what's happening.

knipex

Slattsy wrote:

Still very traditional, and most people with any respect for their partners parents do it.

In 1970 maybe...

I didnt, none of my friends did and I am married well over a decade.

JeffKenna

What would you do if the Father said no?

robinph

knipex wrote: »

In 1970 maybe...

I didn't, none of my friends did and I am married well over a decade.

Since when did 1970 become so long ago.

zedhead

My finace and I had discussions over the years about this. I told him that I hated the tradition personally and I wanted to be the person to tell my parents that I was engaged, I didn't want them to know before I did. It is exciting news to share with the people closest to you. I told him if he ever was to propose I would rather he didn't disclose it to any of my friends or family first. I assumed he understood he could tell any of HIS friends or family but it turns out he ended up planning it all on his own and for the few months he was planning it he didn't tell a sole. It was lovely being able to share the news with our families together.

If my dad had a problem with it, he never said anything and if he did I would be telling him is issue is with me and not my finace.

I think its really down to what your partner would like. Even if it is something that is very important to her parents, you should respect her wishes more than theirs.

DaeryssaOne

I had always warned my OH that I was not a piece of property and considering we had already lived together for years I didn't want him asking my dad before he asked me!

On the night he proposed however when we told my parents I could see how disappointed my dad was that he hadn't been included (like he had with my sister). He never said anything but I felt quite bad about it and ended up wishing that they had just had a pint together a few days before just so my dad could feel like he was in the know.

I think OP there's no need to overthink it, it's not like the old days where they need to discuss a dowry or something, it's just taking him for a pint or dropping in with a bottle of wine and letting him/them know that you intend proposing.

baby and crumble

Someone asked above what 2 women do.

Usually (as in my case) 1 asks. Other says 'yes' hopefully.

They plan a wedding together.

The end. I've never heard of any of my queer friends who are married asking for anyones hand.

I really think that asking permission or even giving a 'heads up' is outdated nonsense. It is LITERALLY nobodies business but mine who I chose to be in a relationship with or how I choose to progress that relationship.

Likewise being walked down the aisle, or given away etc. Especially when the couple in question have been together a while or like in the OPs case have a child together. It's BIZARRE.

Having said all that, if and when I'm at weddings where people are given away or whatever, i don't think they're backwards. I just know it's definitely not my taste, and not what I wanted to do or even did at my own wedding. A little tiny part of me internally rolls my eyes, I won't lie, but at the end of the day it's each to their own.

Just because something is a tradition, doesn't mean it's a good tradition. It doesn't mean it's appropriate or the right thing to do for everyone. For some it'll be perfect. For others it'll be bizarre.

So many traditions are "nonsense". But they're often just a little bit of fun, which is why we retain them.

They're not for everyone, and that's fine. No one needs to be judgemental.

baby and crumble

Deleted User wrote: »

So many traditions are "nonsense". But they're often just a little bit of fun, which is why we retain them.

They're not for everyone, and that's fine. No one needs to be judgemental.

I think they stop being 'a bit of fun' when someone like the OP has to essentially do something that I don't think she actually wants to do (have her partner ask her Dad for permission to ask her to marry him) in order for the Dad to not take the hump and get upset by it. There's mentions of people on thread who's father-in-laws prefer other husbands who 'married in' - not because they're nicer, but because they asked for 'permission'. That's a bonkers scenario by anyone's standards, surely?

Weddings really are not for the faint-hearted. I don't mean marriage. I mean the actual wedding. More chances for random people to get upset because they think their tradition is more important than the wishes of the couple. I saw it in my own wedding planning, but thankfully we were old enough to put our foot down with families, and also there are a lot less traditions to manage as a same-sex couple. Nobody knew what to expect with ours so they were quite surprised at how traditional it really was on the day! :pac::pac: