Co parenting issues

Abbie32

So I’m looking for advice from other co parents.
I have a daughter with my ex partner and for the last 9 years he has had her for over nights every two weeks.
I was never hugely comfortable with this but for the sake of her having a relationship with him and keeping the piece I’ve agreed to it.He has over the years constantly let me down for child maintenance,not showing up/dropping her home in time for school etc.
I’ve also had other concerns such as her coming home not showered or having brushed her teeth for the whole time she’s been with him because she said he doesn’t have a toothbrush...anyway the heel of the hunt is he is a heavy weed smoker which I thought he did on his down time when he didn’t have my daughter...now i know he is smoking weed when she’s there,and a few weeks ago she came home very distressed and told me him and his friends where up all night drinking in the house and the following morning him and his current partner had an extremely volatile argument which resulted in my daughter hearing them screaming about cocaine use and other nasty comments.so I’ve stopped her going to his house overnight as he lives in a different county and I just feel it’s not a safe environment for her to be in and have told him he can come see her where I live and spend a few hours with her up here(which he is yet to follow up on)he has rang and said it won’t happen again but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened so I know I need to stick to my guns but the problem is for the first few weeks my daughter was happy with this decision but now she is starting to say she misses him and wants to go back down...it’s so tough because it’s been a huge part of her life for so long and she has friends down there but I just can’t let her stay over night with him...I’m just looking for a bit of advise on how to handle this and explain to her (she’s 12) in a way she’ll understand and not end up resenting me.sorry for the long winded post I’m just lost as how to handle this
Thanks in advance.

charlietheminxx

Jesus Abbie that's absolutely horrible. Your poor daughter! I would suggest you make sure she knows that she did 100% the right thing in telling you everything, because she might have some guilt for "telling-on" her dad. Keep talking to her in as much of an open and honest way as is appropriate for a 12 year old - explain how your no. 1 job is to make sure she's safe and if you send her to stay with her dad you're wouldn't be sure that she is because there is drinking/drugs and people you don't know around. It's a tough age to take big changes happening but you are really doing what is best for her. She obviously misses her dad but it is on him to sort his life out and come visit his daughter.

I also think you need to speak to a solicitor about getting him to cough up the maintenance money because it shouldn't be going up his nose.