Mother took child out of country.

S.G.M.

Hey, just wondering if anyone could help with advice.
My friends girlfriend broke up with him suddenly after 10 years together. He was heartbroken but it turns out she was cheating on him with his best friend. This nearly crushed him. However, they also have a 3 year old together and she took him to England with her 10 weeks ago and now refuses to come back. They are both from England but had been living in Northern Ireland for 6 years.
It's been 10 weeks since he's seen his little boy and he missed his 3rd birthday recently which was really tough for him. She is bad news. He caught her passed out shortly after they broke up, drunk while his son was left unattended in her flat. Luckily he was coming to pick him up anyway and happened to get there before anything bad happened. His ex doesn't work and is very irresponsible. Her family are heavy drug users and he is scared for his sons safety. He also is afraid for his own safety if he goes to see his son in England because he has found out her family have been making threats towards him.
He runs his own business, cares deeply for his son and it is killing him that he can't see him. He has been suicidal recently due to being without his son and he is terrified he will lose him. He has a high court date this Thursday which he is praying goes his way. His son is much better off with his father. He's frustrated because throughout all this he feels that the mother has more rights. She effectively kidnapped his son. She can't provide for him and he will grow up in poverty if he stays with her. I agree with him when he says that if it were the other way around, the PSNI would be at his door immediately.
I know a lot here might not know much about the Northern Ireland system but any advise if the high court order to get his son back to the country doesn't go how he likes. I'm genuinely worried about him if Thursday doesn't go his way. He loves that boy more than anything and is by far the better parent. Thanks

Princess Calla

Get the best family law lawyer he can afford.

Get a good support network in place as he's going to need all the support he can get.

Hopefully it will go his way, unfortunately dads can get a very raw deal in these situations.

S.G.M.

Thanks Calla. I would understand if he was a waste of space etc but he is genuinely far better for his son. His ex is just using the child to hurt him. Hopefully it'll go his way on Thursday.

Princess Calla

S.G.M. wrote: »

Thanks Calla. I would understand if he was a waste of space etc but he is genuinely far better for his son. His ex is just using the child to hurt him. Hopefully it'll go his way on Thursday.

Hopefully the judge will see that.

Probably no harm to keep a log book of everything.

Also if he has any physical evidence of the threats as otherwise it's just hear say.

I'm not a lawyer, nor have I gone through the process. Hopefully someone will be able to help further.

Augme

Is he getting help for feeling suicidal? He's clearly not in a healthy place either and probably not in an the best condition to be looking after his son. Maybe he needs to get help for himself first, before he takes on the stress and trouble of trying to look after a child full time.

S.G.M.

Augme wrote:

Is he getting help for feeling suicidal? He's clearly not in a healthy place either and probably not in an the best condition to be looking after his son. Maybe he needs to get help for himself first, before he takes on the stress and trouble of trying to look after a child full time.

The stress is all down to losing his son. He hasn't seen him in 10 weeks and fears he'll lose him. He's got a good support system and is getting help. He was basically looking after him on house own beforehand anyway. He just needs his son back first and foremost.

ManOfMystery

Not much I can add here from a legal standpoint but in terms of how you support and advise your friend, I would say to do you utmost to keep him on an even keel. If he is aiming for full custody of his son (which I would assume given that his ex is no longer geographically close) then he has to show that he is offering a stable and well-adjusted environment, no criminal history, no history of drug/drink abuse, etc.

So no matter how much stress this is adding to him, it's imperative for the sake of his son that he control his emotions and get on top of it. He has my utmost sympathy and I can understand how someone in that situation might feel suicidal, but if the courts got any wind of him feeling that way it will not induce sympathy from them - it will go down as a mark against him because it suggests (as unfair as it sounds) an emotional fragility which isn't the best thing for a child to be around. He needs to take all that love and fear and pain he has and use it as his strength when presenting himself to the court.

S.G.M.

Thanks manofmystery. He knows this which is why he is not showing any weakness to legal teams or opposition etc.
He mainly gets periods of feeling really low. I saw him day before yesterday and he was in decent spirits so I know he'll be ok in the long run if we get him through this patch.

Graces7

S.G.M. wrote: »

Thanks manofmystery. He knows this which is why he is not showing any weakness to legal teams or opposition etc.
He mainly gets periods of feeling really low. I saw him day before yesterday and he was in decent spirits so I know he'll be ok in the long run if we get him through this patch.

He is very blessed to have a friend like you; well done

S.G.M.

Graces7 wrote:

He is very blessed to have a friend like you; well done

Thank you Graces. Very sweet of you to say

Graces7

S.G.M. wrote: »

Thank you Graces. Very sweet of you to say

Thinking back to dark times in my life, there was always one person, not always the same person in a long life, who quietly stood by me or behind me. Without that I would not have come through. Your support will be a huge part of the future . Just being there. Pain is a lonely place .

S.G.M.

Graces7 wrote: »

Thinking back to dark times in my life, there was always one person, not always the same person in a long life, who quietly stood by me or behind me. Without that I would not have come through. Your support will be a huge part of the future . Just being there. Pain is a lonely place .

We all need support. High court is today. Praying it goes his way. He'll get through it tho if it doesn't. He'll keep fighting.

Graces7

S.G.M. wrote: »

We all need support. High court is today. Praying it goes his way. He'll get through it tho if it doesn't. He'll keep fighting.

I realised it was today after I messaged. Prayer here too.

S.G.M.

Graces7 wrote: »

I realised it was today after I messaged. Prayer here too.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

Fakediamond

There’s a great website called familylawweek.co.uk, where he can search for similar cases and their court outcomes. It takes a bit of digging but loads of useful info. Also separateddads.co.uk is a good resource.

In a nutshell, if father is on the birth cert then he has equal rights. If he had joint custody or a shared parenting scenario with mother, that carries a lot of weight. In any event, no parent should remove a child from their usual area of residence without consent of other parent. Courts only care about child’s welfare and where that child has been living and been settled for the previous 6 months or more. They’re not interested in favouring either parent and generally make decisions in the child’s best interest. Speed is of the essence before a child is deemed to have settled in the new area, with a circle of friends, family, school etc.

S.G.M.

Fakediamond wrote: »

There’s a great website called familylawweek.co.uk, where he can search for similar cases and their court outcomes. It takes a bit of digging but loads of useful info. Also separateddads.co.uk is a good resource.

In a nutshell, if father is on the birth cert then he has equal rights. If he had joint custody or a shared parenting scenario with mother, that carries a lot of weight. In any event, no parent should remove a child from their usual area of residence without consent of other parent. Courts only care about child’s welfare and where that child has been living and been settled for the previous 6 months or more. They’re not interested in favouring either parent and generally make decisions in the child’s best interest. Speed is of the essence before a child is deemed to have settled in the new area, with a circle of friends, family, school etc.

Thanks for the reply. Court didn't go well. Postponed for another 3-4 weeks. Just what he didn't need. It's an absolute joke. Was chatting his gf and he wasn't great last night. It's hard to keep his spirits up when there's nothing he can do to fix this.

tara73

Fakediamond wrote: »

In a nutshell, if father is on the birth cert then he has equal rights. If he had joint custody or a shared parenting scenario with mother, that carries a lot of weight. In any event, no parent should remove a child from their usual area of residence without consent of other parent. Courts only care about child’s welfare and where that child has been living and been settled for the previous 6 months or more. They’re not interested in favouring either parent and generally make decisions in the child’s best interest. Speed is of the essence before a child is deemed to have settled in the new area, with a circle of friends, family, school etc.

sorry, but this is complete BS from my knowledge and actually from common sense. What is important for a child (especially this small, it's not even going to school yet) are caring, loving parents who do everything for the wellbeing of the child. It's not at all that important where the child resides! A 3 year old doesn't primarily cares if it's walking around in London, Dublin or Timbuktu as long as Mum/Dad are there and care for it.

So I'm pretty sure this is not the priority for a court decision!

Fakediamond

tara73 wrote: »

sorry, but this is complete BS from my knowledge and actually from common sense. What is important for a child (especially this small, it's not even going to school yet) are caring, loving parents who do everything for the wellbeing of the child. It's not at all that important where the child resides! A 3 year old doesn't primarily cares if it's walking around in London, Dublin or Timbuktu as long as Mum/Dad are there and care for it.

So I'm pretty sure this is not the priority for a court decision!

Fair enough. My post was based on extensive research of U.K. Family Court rulings undertaken on behalf of a family member. Age is a consideration as you say, because the child won’t have started school. But the child may have strong links with grandparents, other extended family etc by that age, not to mention OP mentioned that father was providing the care for the child.

Anyway, Courts use the welfare checklist in making their decision. Whichever parent can demonstrate they can best meet the requirements of the checklist has the best chance of “winning” primary custody, with the other parent having a more secondary role in day to day decisions. If a parent just takes a child away, without consent of other parent, it is absolutely the right thing to go to Court to regularise the contact and/or to engage in mediation to determine level of contact etc between both parents and child.

One parent can’t just cut off the other one without explanation or accountability for doing so. The best case scenario is that the child has two loving parents and most of all, a stable base with at least one parent.

Graces7

S.G.M. wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. Court didn't go well. Postponed for another 3-4 weeks. Just what he didn't need. It's an absolute joke. Was chatting his gf and he wasn't great last night. It's hard to keep his spirits up when there's nothing he can do to fix this.

So sorry. Just a day at a time now. Did they give a reason?

S.G.M.

Hey all. Just wanted to give an update. Things have improved a lot for my friend. He has he wee man home now since mid November. She called him and told him to come and collect him cos she wasn't coping.
My friend is doing a lot better mentally, he's exhausted working and being a single dad but he's getting there.
She is still all over the place. She came over from England for supervised visits. She wanted unsupervised but the courts rightfully didn't grant that as she was a flight risk and they said when she ignored the court order in the past why would they trust her this time. She's trying to win my friend back but he can't stand the sight of her anymore.
A part of me feels sorry for her but she made this entire mess herself and some of her actions have been deplorable.
It's not all sorted yet but things are definitely on the right track.

MissShihTzu

That's brilliant news. So often, fathers aren't given a fair shake. Tell your mate to hang in there and keep punching!