Relationships after kids

dreamstar

Hi all,
Anyone find their relationship with their partner becoming a bit difficult after kids?
Me and my hubby are married 7 years and have a two and a one year old. Our relationship at the minute is not great and I'm not sure if it's just because the kids are so young and things are so busy. Our one year old doesn't sleep on her own - never has. So I always sleep with her in the spare room - it is the only way we get sleep. I have tried everything.
While I was on maternity leave I did look after everything in the house. I am now back working part time, I look after all the cooking , washing cleaning etc. I work three days and on those days my hubby will get the kids up dressed and to the minders but I literally do everything else. I am starting to kind of resent him a bit and I hate being like that. I have tried talking to him about it but he just tells me to leave the washing etc. But I can't do that.

Anyway this is turning into a rant but just wondering if anyone else feels like they are left looking after everything and has this affected their relationship with their partner. I feel like we're both always so tired that the fun is kind of gone. Hopefully temporarily.

shesty

Yes.
Kids are hard on your relationship.More than one small child is very hard.You have to work really hard on your relationship to be honest.There are times you will resent and really dislike your partner.(yes I have been there.Still am.some days).Also the monotony of life with small kids can feel a bit like it sucks all the fun out of life.....

Communication is huge.I get where your OH is coming from but it can't work that way.A better option would be to give him some jobs that you just stay away from.He may not do it your way, but you need to just let him do them.Split stuff 50/50 so you have more time together.If you can afford it, get a cleaner once a month or so, or decide to send out your washing once a month or once every two months, to give you some free time.Advice about date nights and cuddles is all very well but not much good if you are coming down to yesterday"s dirty dishes still in the sink the next morning every weekend.There needs to be a compromise reached that you both pitch in, thereby freeing up more time for both of you, and not just him.

You are not on your own in this OP.But neither are you superwoman.Simmering silently is not the solution, place the same expectation on him as you place on yourself, and communicate.A lot.

CheerLouth

It's really tough OP. You and your husband aren't the only couple feeling like this if it is any consolation. I think women definitely put a lot of pressure on themselves to be superwoman & then feel a sense of failure when we can't manage everything.

We also have small kids and both work full time with my husband travelling a lot for work. As the above poster said, communication is key. Little things can make such a difference too. We've gotten a white board for the fridge & I do up a meal plan now for the week so there is no more "what's for dinner". It's on the board and he can make a start on it if I'm not here. My husband is not good at realising things need to be done (although this still amazes me - how can you not see the washing basket is overflowing?!) so now I write up things I want him to do on the whiteboard. Yes, it is spoonfeeding a grown man but it helps as otherwise I just do the stuff myself and get resentful of him.

Can you make some time to be alone? I don't mean go out on a date but if the kids are in bed, rather than watching the telly, could you sit down with a glass of wine and just have a chat and reconnect?

shesty

Just to clarify cheerlouth, the lack of initiative seems to apply to most men (sorry about the general statement!).They just don't seem to see the same things we do around the house!!My OH was off yesterday.I could list all the things that didn't get done but I suppose he got dinner going before collecting the kids (I work too).Small victories....

Loveinapril

shesty wrote: »

Just to clarify cheerlouth, the lack of initiative seems to apply to most men (sorry about the general statement!).They just don't seem to see the same things we do around the house!!My OH was off yesterday.I could list all the things that didn't get done but I suppose he got dinner going before collecting the kids (I work too).Small victories....

I wonder is some of this due to the fact that the mother is at home for at least 24 weeks after having the baby so takes on the housekeeper role. It can be hard for both parties to snap out of that!

I definitely found my relationship suffered after the birth of our first child. I struggled with that 'touched out' feeling and put the idea of sleep/ rest above everything else. We now have a toddler and 12 week old so life is more chaotic but I actually put together my own self care plan of rest/ time away (an hour here and there) and that alone is helping my mental health and ability to be present in my relationship. I found making an agreement TOGETHER works for us. We both do up meal plans, I do the shopping but he is part of making the list too. It sounds so basic but I hated when he would ask "have we any yoghurts, did you buy washing up liquid?". It made me feel like his mother! This way we are both responsible for the things we have/ need.
When we were both working (I am on maternity leave now) we both spent 15 minutes every night before we sat down cleaning or tidying. Again, it was an agreed thing so he wasn't watching the telly while I did the laundry- we both cleaned THEN we both rested. It really is about partnership, if I feel like I am being disregarded because I am just running the house, it makes me disconnect from my husband and now that he knows that, he makes more of an effort to be involved in the running of the house.

bee06

One child here and one on the way and I defintely feel the impact as well. We’re more mom and dad at the moment than a couple. He is brilliant with the house work (does a lot of the cleaning, washing etc) but I do all the lunches for our toddler in the evening as well as bed time and sometimes if it takes ages to get the toddler to sleep I’d be raging that my husband hadn’t bothered to do the lunch. I never asked him either so I have to catch myself on that one. I’ve turned into a bit of a martyr then struggling to do something instead of asking for help which is a trait that wreaked my head when I saw my mother doing it when I was younger.

To be honest, our communication has gotten crap and we are both silently seething about stupid things instead of saying something and then snapping at each other about something else.

partyguinness

Fact of life I'm afraid. Everything changes after kids as you are discovering.

Married here 9 years with a 7 and 3 yr old.

eviltwin

We found this too. There comes a point where you find you are literally only talking about household stuff or kids.

One thing we've always done is have some time to ourselves once a week where we don't discuss kids or the house, we try go out but if that's not possible just going for a walk together helps. We also have a relationship MOT twice a year, we have a proper discussion about what's working and what's not and put plans in place to address it.

We are coming out the other side of parenting young kids now are still happy and connected. It's something parents need to prioritise, your kids will grow up and move on and you and your partner need to have something to keep you connected. Don't forget why you fell in love with that person in the first place

RedXIV

You're at the worst of it now. I don't remember much of the year 2012 when I had a 1yr old and a new baby and I know the relationship I had with my wife changed a lot. To be fair, she kept at it and I did start to pull my weight more, not particularly because I wanted to get all the work done, but more so my wife didn't feel like her day was spent in it's entirety as a mom/housekeeper. It does get easier when they get older though.

Simple things like having all the kids stop and run around helping us for 3 mins on an Alexa timer, (you'd be surprised how much cleaning you'd get done with 3 hyper kids trying to help in 3 mins) have vastly reduced the amount of time we used to spend cleaning.

That and the recently purchased dishwasher

SusanC10

We are married almost 15 years and I can honestly say that the worst period of our relationship was during the time when our youngest child was under 2 years old.

It's very stressful. My Husband works long hours, commutes for 3 hours roundtrip every day and is wrecked a lot of the time. He also travels a bit for work but it used to be a lot more when the Kids were younger.
I worked Part-time after the Kids were born and then was made redundant and became a SAHM. I am a terrible housewife ! But it made sense (financial and practical) at the time.

As others before me have said, Communication is key. My Husband does not seem to see mess/dirt or else ignores it. But he will do anything I ask willingly so I ask. He is a much better cook than I am but he does not have time mid-week.

To be fair to him as he is working and commuting, I do do the lion's share of the housework, shopping, cooking, organising everyone etc.
But when I worked and when I do back to work, he has and will do more.

Also the Kids are older now and do their fair share of work around the house. Our oldest boy is great.

I will say that we have only ever slept 1 night in separate rooms in our own house and that was the night my husband came home after a hospital stay. No matter how bad it got.

And it may not make a difference for every couple but Date Nights twice a month (even when finances were tight), made a difference for us.

I suppose what I am trying to say is most couples with kids have been where you are, it does get easier as the Kids get older and communication is key.

Peatys

Our kids are 5 and 6. Only lately have we got back to some semblance of sanity.

Make an agreement that you'll give eachother massive leeway for the next couple of years.

Try to get away from the kids for a night every now and then.

And as much as you may think it, you haven't tried everything to get the 1yr old to sleep by themselves. Tough love or that will never change.

Peatys

eviltwin wrote: »

It's something parents need to prioritise, your kids will grow up and move on and you and your partner need to have something to keep you connected. Don't forget why you fell in love with that person in the first place

100% this.

Day Lewin

Survivor of rearing a large family, here. I didn't have a job outside the home, but I had five chislers in it!

Yes, having littlies is a very stressful time for a couple. It can also be a huge source of learning and wisdom!

You're both very busy - obviously, - and tired, too. The old "romantic" couple is stretched almost out of existence and the new Tenacity couple is coming into being...take heart, it doesn't last forever. Stick around, and you will find each other again :-)

You need to get a grip on priorities because you can't do everything! Loyalty, persistence and a sense of humour are your key weapons.

Housework doesn't matter as much as you may think; but if there are parts of it that DO matter and that need doing (like, needing clean clothes!) then make a list and stick it up. Not too long a list, but, has the force of law, lol.

Remember that kids need a smiling face and friendly parents much more than they need a shiny home.

Best of luck!

Plumbthedepths

Male here, with my wife since '89. First son born shortly after, roll on 9 years second son born. Life was tough first few years money work etc. Second boy seemed to like our bed more than his own caused endless rows and lots of guilt on my behalf bringing him back to his own bed at stupid o clock but it needed to be done. We made a point of trying to get away once a year if only for a few days. Obviously our kids are raised now so it's alot of us time which we both have grown to love. It wasn't all roses and took alot of work to get us here but helping each other and talking helps oh and understanding. It gets easier.

CheerLouth

shesty wrote: »

Just to clarify cheerlouth, the lack of initiative seems to apply to most men (sorry about the general statement!).They just don't seem to see the same things we do around the house!!My OH was off yesterday.I could list all the things that didn't get done but I suppose he got dinner going before collecting the kids (I work too).Small victories....

I think for me this is the biggest thing - not being able to see that the floor is filthy and needs a wash or the toilet needs a quick scrub. But definitely talking to each other & him acknowledging that my feelings are relevant and not just me taking the opportunity to nag has been a great help.

BarryD2

dreamstar wrote: »

Our one year old doesn't sleep on her own - never has. So I always sleep with her in the spare room - it is the only way we get sleep. I have tried everything.

Whilst it might be practical in the moment, that might also not be helping. Everyone does things differently but my advice would be to get a bigger bed and put your one year old in with yourself and your partner. Men get lonely too.

bee06

BarryD2 wrote: »

Whilst it might be practical in the moment, that might also not be helping. Everyone does things differently but my advice would be to get a bigger bed and put your one year old in with yourself and your partner. Men get lonely too.

Or you could sidecar the cot onto the side of the bed like a big cosleeper.

shesty

Loveinapril wrote: »

I wonder is some of this due to the fact that the mother is at home for at least 24 weeks after having the baby so takes on the housekeeper role. It can be hard for both parties to snap .

I also am a bit of a control freak so I am my own worst enemy in some ways.We also share the evening cleanup, and bedtime (have to with three of them) but there are evenings I could be doing laundry for hours while he watches tv.

SusanC10

shesty wrote: »

I also am a bit of a control freak so I am my own worst enemy in some ways.We also share the evening cleanup, and bedtime (have to with three of them) but there are evenings I could be doing laundry for hours while he watches tv.

Best decision we ever made was to pay someone to iron all his shirts and to bring towels and sheets etc to the Laundrette. When I go back to work we will get a regular Cleaner again like we had when I was working. Even now we get a deep clean done every 6 months.

GarIT

Something I've noticed is one person in a couple not working as much and then saying the other doesn't do as much in the house. You say you are working part time, is he working full time. If you're working 20 hours and he is working 40, are you considering the 20 hours difference in the "him not doing as much" equation?

Calhoun

Giving another male point of view communication is critical. We have our own concerns/worries and pressures that may not always be shared.

As much as Ireland is changing and things are getting more equal their is still tremendous pressure to be the bread winner.

As for cleaning up, you really need to communicate the stuff that has to be done and then acknowledge the stuff that can be done later. Nothing drives arguments more over not setting expectations around this type of thing.

Finally I'd echo the above on loneliness, the sleeping arrangements you have described normally indicates you aren't getting intimate ECT. You both need to make time for each other inside and out of the bedroom otherwise you become little more than roommates.

starbaby2003

GarIT wrote: »

Something I've noticed is one person in a couple not working as much and then saying the other doesn't do as much in the house. You say you are working part time, is he working full time. If you're working 20 hours and he is working 40, are you considering the 20 hours difference in the "him not doing as much" equation?

If you have a child you are ALWAYS working. There is no downtime.

Calhoun

starbaby2003 wrote: »

If you have a child you are ALWAYS working. There is no downtime.

Well true but you also have to acknowledge that actual work and the dynamic of being a breadwinner.

Being in a relationship is nuanced and communication but also compromise is key.

starbaby2003

No I don’t, I consider staying at home with a child actual work. We both work full time BTW so this isn’t a ‘I feel I my work is not being acknowledged post’
Communication is key but the fact that one party usually but not always the woman has to ‘ask’ the other to do X,Y and Z is not constructive.
OP all relationships go through this. Sleep deprivation is a form of a torture for good reason. It messes with your thought process, makes you snappy and resentful of ‘free time’ the other gets. I think a letter ( shared with your partner if you want but more for yourself)writing out what’s wrong, what can be changed and focus on those. I used to dwell on how little sleep I was getting but with young kids that wasn’t going to change so I decided to focus on other ways of getting energy- I joined yoga. Small changes but things that give me, me back. Once you are feeling better about yourself you can work on your relationship.

Calhoun

Well as they say different horse for different courses, your scenario is obviously different.

You don't have to communicate each time but you do have to set expectations. Be prepared to discuss what jobs should of should not be done. Like if your a clean freak and your partner is not you aren't going to be successful in having the house clean all the time.

Dial Hard

Calhoun wrote: »

Well true but you also have to acknowledge that actual work and the dynamic of being a breadwinner.

And what about women who are still bringing their full salary into the equation while they're on maternity leave? How do they factor into your worldview?

Calhoun

Dial Hard wrote: »

And what about women who are still bringing their full salary into the equation while they're on maternity leave? How do they factor into your worldview?

Well the point i was making in the post i was responding to is that working a full week should equally be taken into an account the same as looking after your kids. However if your the primary breadwinner it brings a little bit more pressure into the mix.

This isn't a men versus women scenario its offering a perspective to the OP of some of the things that could be causing the problem.

In the case you have described both are equally responsible for the financials so there is not the same pressure to make sure you keep the income in and as such both can focus more on the home life.

bee06

Calhoun wrote: »

Well the point i was making in the post i was responding to is that working a full week should equally be taken into an account the same as looking after your kids. However if your the primary breadwinner it brings a little bit more pressure into the mix.

I don’t really understand your point? I earn twice as much as my husband. Should I get to do less housework as a result? I don’t feel any pressure at being the primary breadwinner.

Calhoun

bee06 wrote: »

I don’t really understand your point? I earn twice as much as my husband. Should I get to do less housework as a result? I don’t feel any pressure at being the primary breadwinner.

What i mean is, when the income load is shared then neither have an excuse to put so much pressure into the job. At the end of the day we work so we can live and enjoy our family lives.

For some men including myself for a time the pressure was more one sided and you just focus on that and start putting allot more effort into work rather than at home. The fear is there that if you loose your job what happens with the mortgage/lifestyle you have.

So by sharing that load then there should be no reason why husband and wife aren't contributing equally.

It could just be a man thing based on conditioning we grew up with.

bee06

Calhoun wrote: »

What i mean is, when the income load is shared then neither have an excuse to put so much pressure into the job. At the end of the day we work so we can live and enjoy our family lives.

For some men including myself for a time the pressure was more one sided and you just focus on that and start putting allot more effort into work rather than at home. The fear is there that if you loose your job what happens with the mortgage/lifestyle you have.

So by sharing that load then there should be no reason why husband and wife aren't contributing equally.

It could just be a man thing based on conditioning we grew up with.

Maybe it’s a man thing. It’s possible that my brain is a bit different than “normal” people! It genuinely never occurred to me that I should approach my career differently because of the financial situation. I suppose it depends on a persons overall financial stability as well. Anyway, it’s probably dragging the OP’s thread off topic now.

catrionanic

Thank you for posting this, dreamstar. I'm sorry you're finding things hard. Parenting can be very lonely, and even moreso when your relationship is in a bad place.

Honestly, I think this is one of the last big taboos in parenthood which isn't really spoken about. People don't want to badmouth their partners, or make it seem like they don't have their lives together. So they just let on that everything is fine in their relationship. But I think that secretly, behind closed doors, most people with young children are feeling a massive strain in their relationship. I wish that people would talk about it more, because it helps to know that this is normal and you're not alone, and that people get through it.

I've never resented my husband as much as I have since my first boy was born in 2017! Then when my next boy joined us in 2018, the resentment levels were through the roof. All through pregnancy and the early babyhood, we argued. There have been several instances where we talked about separating. I've felt really alone and hopeless. We came very close to calling it a day.

My baby is nearly one now, and things are a lot better. I feel like my husband took a long time to grow up. He still wanted to go on mad nights out til 5am, to come home and put his feet up and do no housework, and to only do the fun parts of parenthood but none of the early mornings or nappy changes. I felt disrespected and discriminated against. Like I had married a sexist. I felt like he didn't care about my welfare, and was only interested in himself.

He's growing up now though, bit by bit! I still have days when I could hang him from the rafters, but they are getting less frequent. And of course, things get easier as the babies get bigger and you get a little more sleep.

You're not alone in this. You will get through it. It will take time, and lots of talking and explaining. But you can do it.