Long term gf -> reaching doubt

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Going unreg for this.

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years now.

For the last 6 months things have not been going well. I feel like the spark just isn't there and my desire to be with her isn't as strong. At the same time there are moments where I love her and am happy to have her with me.

At the same time I've been in my workplace for nearly 4 years and have had a serious crush on a coworker since circa year 3 of this period. While nothing has been done about this, the feeling still lingers and is at the back of my mind along with affirmation that there is some reciprocal feeling. I don't particularly think this is something I would especially pursue if I became single but is something I am aware of.

Things have not being going well for the last 6 months to the point where we argue frequently and would rarely go a day without fighting. This primarily concerns our future with my gf insisting we get engaged this year (I am not against the principle of marriage but am still mid twenties and don't feel particularly ready for this).

My gut says it is time to call it quits with my gf but I am slow to do this given the length we have been together.

No obvious question to the above, just wanted to rant and see if anyone had anything helpful to point out.

Xterminator

Hi OP

i think you really need to search you own mind here and decide whats best. the honeymoon period is long over. long term relationships are hard work at times. Are you willing to put in that hard work?

i think your choices are to pour all your efforts into spicing up your relationship and recommitting to it, or to let her go, accept the break up and then move on as a single person. Just drifting along isn't fair on her, nor does it do you much of a favour.

if you decide to work on your relationship you could consider doing couples counselling to improve the fundamentals like communication etc. Maybe what you need is a good holiday, just the two of you? If you can identify what is not working, perhaps you can fix it?

rainbowtrout

Ignoring the coworker crush for the moment, is there anything you can pinpoint as to how the fighting and bickering started six months ago? Do you start the fights or does she? Are they about the same things over and over again, or are they about all different things? Were there any changes to your lifestyle in the last six months or hers?

I would agree that you shouldn't get engaged if you are not ready to get married (regardless of age), I also wouldn't advocate getting engaged if your relationship is not going well, an engagement might just be a patch on the relationship to keep it going for another while, if it has run it's course. If the relationship is worth maintaining, then you and your girlfriend need to work out what is causing the problems and how they can be fixed before considering engagement.

It could of course be that the relationship has run its course.

joeguevara

It looks like the coworker crush is a symptom of the bigger issue. If things were right in relationship you wouldn't be crushing (hate that word but I can't think of an alternative) for 3 years. Everyone can have a lustful thought or an episode of thinking about greener fields. But 3 years?

I also think it is safe for you to have a crush on a workmate as it's unlikely you will follow through so it allows for an outlet to fancy someone but not have the situation that you would cheat. (you even said you probably wouldn't go there even if you were single).

You need to have an honest discussion with your gf to see if there is hope. Don't mention your office crush as it would be devastating if they found out that it has gone on for 3 years.

Don't base your decision on the length of your relationship. Base it on your feelings right now.

leggo

“What I am trying to say is, there is a certain game played in offices all over America. The people are bored, they don't know what to do, so they play the office-romance game. Most of the time it means nothing but the passing of time. Sometimes they do manage to work off a screw or two on the side. But even then, it is just an offhand pasttime, like bowling or t.v. or a New Year's Eve party. You've got to understand that it doesn't mean anything and then you won't get hurt. Do you understand what I mean?"

Whenever you think you’re in love with someone you work with, it’s always worth scanning it past this quote from Bukowski to see if it passes that litmus test. I’d say 90% of the time someone is infatuated with someone they work with, it’s a way of passing the day and making it more interesting. And yes, this can happen when you’re in a perfectly good relationship too: it’s just as likely to be a symptom of you being a bit bored of your job as being bored of your relationship. So I definitely wouldn’t factor a workplace crush into deciding whether to break up a LTR, because it’s just as likely you hurt someone you love then realise when you’re out for drinks with the girl you’re obsessed with in work that there’s no real world spark and it was just an idle thought to pass the day quicker.

Unanimous

Why do you think she wants to get married?
Plus do you realize that age is not on her side?
You want to get older before you settle but that will take a toll on her as woman?

Also, as a mid thirties person, you are old. Not young. I just don’t understand why a man in mid thirties who has dated a woman for 5 years thinks he is too young to marry.
Has your relationship being exclusive? Or you think you are too young to have kids?

Uncertainty about her future can make any woman cranky.
Your attitude towards settling down could be the issue but I might have led to unnecessary fights that can set the pace for a bad union.

No girl wants to invest 5 years of her life in a relationship with a guy. 2-3 is enough.
If you can work things out, and you fell you still love her, I would advise you to be considerate and plan for the future.
If not let her go as she deserves better.

You are not young in terms of age so do you mean maybe mentally/psychologically you might not be matured?

zapper55

If he was mid thirties I'd agree but he's mid twenties. Big difference.

Op if you wanted to marry her there'd be no hesitation. Let her go so she can find someone who does.

gmisk

Arguing basically every day is not normal in a healthy rship imo, I think probably time to end things

Ursus Horribilis

If your gut is telling you to end it, maybe you should listen to it. You're still quite young so you still have time to meet somebody else (you're better suited to?). Leaving aside your work crush, why are you and your gf fighting so often? No engagement ring on a finger can solve that.

strandroad

If after 5 years including living together you are not sure about your girlfriend and you have a long term fascination with another there is no point in continuing. You're not committed to your girlfriend and she can probably tell hence the engagement arguments. You're not going to have a revelation, it will simply get even more ugly. Let her go.

blairbear

Unanimous wrote: »

Why do you think she wants to get married?
Plus do you realize that age is not on her side?
You want to get older before you settle but that will take a toll on her as woman?

Also, as a mid thirties person, you are old. Not young. I just don’t understand why a man in mid thirties who has dated a woman for 5 years thinks he is too young to marry.
Has your relationship being exclusive? Or you think you are too young to have kids?

Uncertainty about her future can make any woman cranky.
Your attitude towards settling down could be the issue but I might have led to unnecessary fights that can set the pace for a bad union.

No girl wants to invest 5 years of her life in a relationship with a guy. 2-3 is enough.
If you can work things out, and you fell you still love her, I would advise you to be considerate and plan for the future.
If not let her go as she deserves better.

You are not young in terms of age so do you mean maybe mentally/psychologically you might not be matured?

I don't disagree with the general sentiment, but mid thirties is not old!! Maybe it was in medieval times, when life expectancy was about 45 or so, but come on! If 35 is old, then what's 75? 85?

Princess Calla

blairbear wrote: »

I don't disagree with the general sentiment, but mid thirties is not old!! Maybe it was in medieval times, when life expectancy was about 45 or so, but come on! If 35 is old, then what's 75? 85?

The OP is mid twenties.

But yes from a fertility point of view IF the OP was 35 and the girlfriend was of a similar age it is old. Especially when you consider time to get over the ex and find a new partner etc.

Princess Calla

OP as others have said fighting everyday is not healthy.

I've seen alot of long term relationships end around your age. Their friends are getting married, the questions start coming about when are you next etc.

As others have said, is there something that happened that triggered the frequency of the rows?

She could be getting frustrated wondering where the relationship is headed,causing her to find fault in everything you do.

I think you both need to sit down and have a very honest talk about everything and see if you both want to move forward making sure you get to the route cause of the problem otherwise you are just papering over cracks.

Best of luck.