Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Husband cheating with fetish/dating sites
Options
Comments
-
SuperunknownX wrote: »Ah, here. WTF did I just read? ��
Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.
You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.
His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.
It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.
He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.
Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..
Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.
It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.
As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".
Wao! Do you have some serious personal issues of your own!
Before we got married the sex was great, we were saving (for the wedding and so he was proving himself in that sense), he was showing I meant something to him through time together with dates and flowers, along with having deep chats about life and the future. And this was reciprocated. This continued for a good while after also. And I haven't witheld sex from him. We have still had sex (all be it not as often), so he is not getting nothing.
Therefore showing all the things that were attractive to a future with him, as well as being physically attracted to him.
Since getting married, yes from me there is more of a want to settle down with financial stability for ourselves and a potential family. All women have this thought process.
When a man you thought was going to provide that for you doesn't appear to be giving a dam about providing it for you (plural) it makes you question his priorities.
He can put the effort into getting sex out of me, but can't be sensually and emotionally affectionate (foreplay as women take more to get going).
Or take the reins on creating a cushion for what's to come. Well it makes you wonder what his priorities are. The porn watching started after we got married, so "mammy knows what you're doing" didn't come into it.
He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!
Marriage is not about having sex and producing babies, it is about a mutual life together, with communication and care for the other person. When that doesn't come your way and you try and talk about it and get cold shouldered, you start to question it!0 -
So you think you're husband of 4 years is unattractive and a turn off and you think it's ok to withhold sex.?
Please leave him immediately and let the poor man have some chance of meeting someone that treats him with the respect he deserves.
Oh and just so you know, when you meet someone new, they to will expect to have a sex life with you.0 -
I'm wondering about his daughter. Is there conflict in your relationship regarding Her? Does he spend much time with Her? Does he expect you to play a step mother role? Are you under pressure in that regard?0
-
He has his priorities straight: his daughters needs outweigh your wants. And IMHO, he's right.He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!
Did you honestly think his daughter would stop being a priority to him after you married?! :eek: I hope you haven't let her know how inconvenient you find her existence.0 -
who what when wrote: »So you think you're husband of 4 years is unattractive and a turn off and you think it's ok to withhold sex.?
Please leave him immediately and let the poor man have some chance of meeting someone that treats him with the respect he deserves.
Oh and just so you know, when you meet someone new, they to will expect to have a sex life with you.
The cold behavior and lack of care for mutually creating a secure future with less worry, along with the fact that he isn't being emotionally attentive no matter how many times you try and talk about improving on it because you want to connect emotionally as well as physically are not attractive qualities.
I have no problem having sex. But when you are with someone who makes you feel like 4th on his list of priorities no matter how many times you try and talk to him and find a resolve that works for both, you don't feel attracted to it to want to be physical.0 -
Advertisement
-
You’ve brought the daughter thing up twice OP which doesn’t seem fair.
I can see your other points but the fact he spends a lot of time and money on his daughter seems to anger you which is a massive problem. It sounds like you might be a bit controlling tbh. Just from reading all comments start to finish. This is from an outsiders point of view.
The emotional thing sounds like a copout to not give sex. You even said yourself earlier you were glad when he whacked off because he didn’t come to you.
You’re not attracted to this man so maybe it’s time to let it go and stop pretending you are.
I also understand your not well so hopefully you recover well and you both can separate and live happier lives don’t let a car loan hold you together. Just be glad it’s not a house.
Life is too short. I would try looking for someone without kids in future though.0 -
ElizaBennett wrote: »I'm wondering about his daughter. Is there conflict in your relationship regarding Her? Does he spend much time with Her? Does he expect you to play a step mother role? Are you under pressure in that regard?
There is no conflict between us. We actually get on really well, we have a positive relationship.
I will say however that I do feel like instead of focusing on our marriage he will put the attention on her.
Example:
He has her over at ours every 2nd weekend. She stays with her mum full time.
I was recovering from a surgery at my parents as he was working and I needed someone to help me as I couldn't physically do much.
This weekend he was due to travel to me. He has his daughter. He was questioning coming to see me because his daughter had a horse riding lesson and he didn't want to say no she couldn't go. On top of that he didn't want her to be bored in the car journey!
So instead of for that time thinking you know what I want to see my wife and how she's doing he put did the horse riding and didn't travel until after he handed her back to her mum after the weekend was over.0 -
He has his priorities straight: his daughters needs outweigh your wants. And IMHO, he's right.
Did you honestly think his daughter would stop being a priority to him after you married?! :eek: I hope you haven't let her know how inconvenient you find her existence.
I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.
However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.0 -
I think he should have taken a few days off work to take care of you when you came home from the surgery - I would expect that of my husband for sure, unless for financial or work reasons it was absolutely impossible. I would also expect that for such an unusual situation as surgery he would put you first for once. It's a valuable lesson to his daughter also that yes she's incredibly important to him but she can't always be number one in every life situation and other people matter a lot too, especially his wife.
My bottom line on your story is that there just isn't enough closeness and maybe there never was. Definitely not enough kindness. He's gone too far for you to get it back I think. I totally get where you're coming from with not wanting to be intimate with someone who you feel only wants you for sex. I ended up divorced because of very similar feelings. My ex couldn't express feelings and, six years on, would probably say he still loves me and did all along but he could never show it in the way I needed so what was the point really at the end of the day? What good is love if it doesn't make you feel good? I think you really have to draw a line under this chapter and start again. It can probably be amicable enough, which is a good thing. And you're very very lucky not to have complications. Your legal position is very simple. There is no joy and no prospect of any that I can see.0 -
ElizaBennett wrote: »I think he should have taken a few days off work to take care of you when you came home from the surgery - I would expect that of my husband for sure, unless for financial or work reasons it was absolutely impossible. I would also expect that for such an unusual situation as surgery he would put you first for once. It's a valuable lesson to his daughter also that yes she's incredibly important to him but she can't always be number one in every life situation and other people matter a lot too, especially his wife.
My bottom line on your story is that there just isn't enough closeness and maybe there never was. Definitely not enough kindness. He's gone too far for you to get it back I think. I totally get where you're coming from with not wanting to be intimate with someone who you feel only wants you for sex. I ended up divorced because of very similar feelings. My ex couldn't express feelings and, six years on, would probably say he still loves me and did all along but he could never show it in the way I needed so what was the point really at the end of the day? What good is love if it doesn't make you feel good? I think you really have to draw a line under this chapter and start again. It can probably be amicable enough, which is a good thing. And you're very very lucky not to have complications. Your legal position is very simple. There is no joy and no prospect of any that I can see.
He was moving into a new job at the time and could only take a week off in between, which he did for while I was in the hospital recovering.
We both agreed he'd go to the new job when he did, first because they needed him to start the position asap, but also because I wasn't getting paid for the time off from my work caus I too had started a new job and hadn't made up paid time off yet.
I had the same thoughts as your above regarding showing an example (my wife is important to me) and also showing that because she's an only child in a parental circumstance that isn't what you would ideally want doesn't mean she gets pandered over. She has go with what the adults tell her to do. And sometimes she might not be happy about that.
I in no way think that it is all his fault. I know I'm not perfect. But it's hard trying to communicate with someone who can't or won't, and only agrees to counselling as a last resort (from me) when I said I'd had enough and would walk. And since then still isn't really showing he cares.0 -
Advertisement
-
So you are not being intimate with your husband (sex) and this is coola bula
Your husband is not intimate with you (cuddles and chats) and we have a huuuge problem0 -
I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.
However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.
You are so wrong here. So wrong.
His daughter is his daughter regardless of "what woman" she came from.
What a disgusting thing to say.0 -
mitresize5 wrote: »So you are not being intimate with your husband (sex) and this is coola bula
Your husband is not intimate with you (cuddles and chats) and we have a huuuge problem
You seem to think that I'm not interested in sex what so ever! How wrong you are.
I would love to be in a comfortable stable relationship where I can go with mine and my partners inhibitions.
But that is not the case. Instead I am pushing myself and thinking about the future and trying to communicate about anything we might come across. Instead from his end he puts more effort into his hobbies and other things!0 -
WarpAsylum wrote: »You are so wrong here. So wrong.
His daughter is his daughter regardless of "what woman" she came from.
What a disgusting thing to say.
His daughter is always going to be in his life, I get that, and I accepted that when I married him.
However if you make the choice to marry another woman you are making the choice to give yourself to the new relationship and focus on the growth of that relationship and potential new family you could have.
Instead he has neglected his marriage, and with choices he has made has put his daughters hobbies above his relationship.0 -
I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.
However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.
Wrong!!! It's very clear you haven't accepted it and that is very clear from the words and manner you describe his daughter and the situation.
If he's any sort of a decent man at all, his daughter will and should always come ahead of his marriage. She is a child and you are an adult - her need will be greater than yours until she is at least 18.
It appears that he doesn't want his daughter to suffer any negative consequence if her parents splitting up and that she should continue to enjoy her hobbies.
I'm not saying there aren't other issues in your relationship where he has let you down but if you cannot comprehend that his daughter comes first, then you probably shouldn't be in this relationship. The other problems only compound the issue.0 -
cannotlogin wrote: »It appears that he doesn't want his daughter to suffer any negative consequence if her parents splitting up and that she should continue to enjoy her hobbies.
My impression from what the OP was saying is that horse riding is an expensive hobby, and that he is not interested in planning for this, so the burden falls on the OP, e.g. when he told her he didn't have enough money for the rent.0 -
-
His daughter is always going to be in his life, I get that, and I accepted that when I married him.
However if you make the choice to marry another woman you are making the choice to give yourself to the new relationship and focus on the growth of that relationship and potential new family you could have.
Instead he has neglected his marriage, and with choices he has made has put his daughters hobbies above his relationship.
I am so so glad the two of you don't have children. I can only imagine how poorly you would treat your husband's daughter if the two of you had children together. She is his child, she always will be and no "new family" will change that.
You're complaining he won't save for the future but you want dates and flowers, which presumably he will pay for himself. You want emotional affection but you don't want to have sex with him and you're happy when hes watching porn so hes not looking for sex off you.
It's your husband I pity, and particularly his daughter.0 -
You are lucky you don't have children.
If you had children of your own you'd understand that because you wouldn't be staying at your parents' house recovering, you'd be at home minding your own, while trying to manage. Becauses that's what people with kids have to do.
He didn't push his child aside for you, and it probably didn't occur to him too. Instead he tried to juggle, he only sees his daughter every second weekend, he probably sees you every day. So yes, he took her to do her hobby and visited you afterwards.
That's not neglecting you. Thats doing what parents do.0 -
Better to be the dumper than the dumpee just saying0
-
Advertisement
-
Have to agree with what a lot of people have already said here. Children should always come first. He is doing the right thing for his daughter from what you are saying here.
Also you said you expect him to provide the life you want?
A partner should enhance the life you provide for yourself, not provide it for you in the first place. It sounds like you have a lot of expectations of this guy, not all of which are reasonable.
End it for both your sakes.0 -
It's so obvious the OP expects to be put above his daughter
Jesus I hope the poor guy gets out for his and his daughters sake
0 -
OP I just dont recognise this as a loving close relationship. There are too many pieces of the jigsaw missing. You did say things have been deteriorating for a few years so maybe it's beyond saving. You're too different and you want different things at this stage probably0
-
Wao! Do you have some serious personal issues of your own!
Before we got married the sex was great, we were saving (for the wedding and so he was proving himself in that sense), he was showing I meant something to him through time together with dates and flowers, along with having deep chats about life and the future. And this was reciprocated. This continued for a good while after also. And I haven't witheld sex from him. We have still had sex (all be it not as often), so he is not getting nothing.
Therefore showing all the things that were attractive to a future with him, as well as being physically attracted to him.
Since getting married, yes from me there is more of a want to settle down with financial stability for ourselves and a potential family. All women have this thought process.
When a man you thought was going to provide that for you doesn't appear to be giving a dam about providing it for you (plural) it makes you question his priorities.
He can put the effort into getting sex out of me, but can't be sensually and emotionally affectionate (foreplay as women take more to get going).
Or take the reins on creating a cushion for what's to come. Well it makes you wonder what his priorities are. The porn watching started after we got married, so "mammy knows what you're doing" didn't come into it.
He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!
Marriage is not about having sex and producing babies, it is about a mutual life together, with communication and care for the other person. When that doesn't come your way and you try and talk about it and get cold shouldered, you start to question it!
I'd have little issue with any of this view, and I would be especially demented by somebody who cannot manage their money or plan ahead. However, on the highlighted part you are very, profoundly wrong to dismiss the importance of sex. It's not a luxury, a bonus for good behaviour. It's a need that has to be fulfilled, and just as valid as love and emotional connection is in any healthy relationship.
Without the sexual connection, just call yourselves friends (or not). Also, if before the wedding sex was great and now it's not, then it seems like something very fundamental before the marriage does not exist after it - so please be unsurprised if something very fundamental happens to your marriage in response. You cannot just give something before marriage and take it back afterwards and not have consequences.
Lastly, as you are only young and have no house or kids together, I'd be moving on. There will only be less emotional connection (for you) and less energy for sex (for him) after a child is born. Please don't think having a child together will fix this. That is far too high a gamble; almost certainly, the added stress of a child will lead to his seeking more relief in the form of sex and your being too tired to facilitate it. Tension in the home. Don't bring a little child into that. Life becomes so much more complicated if a child and house are involved.
Life is far too short. We all deserve love, sexual intimacy and companionship. I would fully understand if you left him because of the absence of love, and if he left you because of the absence of sexual intimacy. You're in the prime of your life. These years do not last, so make the most of them.0 -
Meet his sexual needs.
Sex is vital for marriage.I can understand that he can see it as a rejection. However when you say no and you're given coldness and he comes nowhere near me because "he can't be near me at all when he's feeling that way because he finds it hard to keep those feelings of being intimate back".
Between the feeling of being made like sex is all he's wanting with his actions above, along with no indication of actively progressing as a couple ie. so savings, not coming to see me at my parents while recovering because his daughter from another relationship has a horse riding lesson....well it makes me feel like I mean nothing to him and our relationship.0 -
Wrong. Your child always comes first.
Which is an absolutist mentality that explains many marital breakdowns. Spend your life putting your child first/neglecting your other half, and watch your marriage disintegrate. Most of us can make time for each other and get somebody else to take care of the kids for a night or weekend while we put each other first.0 -
The whole thread is bizarre... He ain't cheating if he is looking up porn..
If he were acting on it a d actually riding.... Then that's called cheating.0 -
Deleted User wrote: »Which is an absolutist mentality that explains many marital breakdowns. Spend your life putting your child first/neglecting your other half, and watch your marriage disintegrate. Most of us can make time for each other and get somebody else to take care of the kids for a night or weekend while we put each other first.
In the context of the OP's complaining that her husband did not cancel his daughter's activity so he could go running to her side, he was absolutely right to put his child first, and that was what I was responding too.
She is an adult, and had her parents looking after her.
His daughter is a child, and as she doesn't live with him, their time together is very limited as it is (every second fortnight), so in this circumstance, he took his child to her activity first, and then went to see his wife afterwards.
He was not "neglecting" his wife, or his marriage, ridiculous to suggest it is.
Frankly, the OP isn't coming across here great either. I think there is a pair of them in it.
I'm not seeing what is in this marriage for him either, if he constanty has to meet progress goals set by his wife that "moves them forward as a couple", and if he doesn't meet them, then she feels like she can't have sex with him, because he is not meeting her standards.
No way, I'd be running for the door if I'd a partner like that.0 -
SuperunknownX wrote: »Ah, here. WTF did I just read? ��
Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.
You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.
His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.
It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.
He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.
Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..
Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.
It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.
As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".
So nice to hear an opinion so different from my own. So thank you. Unknown.:)
He is hardly an good looking alpha with a raging libido ..i mean he is on a fetish site begging for crumbs.
Men are not entitled to sex just because they are married.
You must understand men and women are programmed very differently when it comes to sex.
Men just need boobs they could be attached to hitler it wouldn't matter. Women need to be related to. They like men who load the dish washer and are good providers.
Op you will have to learn to love his daughter as if she were your own. You must want the best for her and give her the love she is entitled to from you. And you must put your needs behind hers like a true mother. You must fully open your heart to her even when she hurts you. You must always stay loving. Its what real women were put here for. To love selflessly.
And to all who say men have the right to sex in a marriage.....i can suck a dick like a robot...if that's what you want...i don't even mind and you'll never know the difference.0 -
Advertisement
-
ILoveYourVibes wrote: »He is hardly an good looking alpha with a raging libido.
And you know that because you use these websites regularly. 🤔
Men just need boobs they could be attached to hitler it wouldn't matter. Women need to be related to.
Oh, the Hitler bit made me laugh 😂
Many women have a normal/high libido and don't take ages to get on. They might be 10% of the world population but they are out there and I hope this neglected man finds one. I hope he finds a caring woman who will think its unacceptable for a child to see its parent every other weekend.
The did the right thing and spent one to one time with his daughter (who won't be a child forever) instead of listen to the demands of Ms. Entitled step mother.
Men are 100% entitled to sex because they are married. So are women. We all understand there are medical reasons and bunch of circumstances (injuries) that prevent the act from happening for a period of time but that's not the case here.
IF you get married one day perhaps you will understand how bad it is to feel neglected by someone who exprct fidelity from you yet is incapable of meeting your basic needs.
For now, enjoy your lose canon lifestyle and be safe.
I am out 😊0
![[Deleted User]](/applications/dashboard/design/images/defaulticon.png)
Advertisement