Husband cheating with fetish/dating sites

strandroad

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Op you will have to learn to love his daughter as if she were your own. You must want the best for her and give her the love she is entitled to from you. And you must put your needs behind hers like a true mother. You must fully open your heart to her even when she hurts you. You must always stay loving. Its what real women were put here for. To love selflessly.

This really is the most bizarre advice, the last thing the OP should do is to step in as a loving mother figure no one wants or needs her to be. And the part about women... seriously?

AulWan

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Women need to be related to. They like men who load the dish washer and are good providers.

Speak for yourself.

Speaking for myself, I can load my own damn dishwasher and provide for myself.

I don't look at men and wonder "would he be a good provider?"

That's so 1950's.

lozenges

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

So nice to hear an opinion so different from my own. So thank you. Unknown.:)

He is hardly an good looking alpha with a raging libido ..i mean he is on a fetish site begging for crumbs.

Men are not entitled to sex just because they are married.

You must understand men and women are programmed very differently when it comes to sex.

Men just need boobs they could be attached to hitler it wouldn't matter. Women need to be related to. They like men who load the dish washer and are good providers.

Op you will have to learn to love his daughter as if she were your own. You must want the best for her and give her the love she is entitled to from you. And you must put your needs behind hers like a true mother. You must fully open your heart to her even when she hurts you. You must always stay loving. Its what real women were put here for. To love selflessly.


And to all who say men have the right to sex in a marriage.....i can suck a dick like a robot...if that's what you want...i don't even mind and you'll never know the difference.

This post is nonsense.
You don't speak for all women, or even most women. If you want to speak about your own experience, fine. But I don't expect anyone else to load the dishwasher for me, or (even more demeaning) provide for me.

Men also need affection and appreciation in a relationship. Not just 'boobs'

And nobody is obliged to have sex with anyone. But thats the expectation going into a marriage, and if one person decides they don't want sex any more, ever, then it's a perfectly valid reason for the other partner to leave.

ILoveYourVibes

strandroad wrote: »

This really is the most bizarre advice, the last thing the OP should do is to step in as a loving mother figure no one wants or needs her to be. And the part about women... seriously?

Isn't it what all humans were put here to do ...love selflessly?

lozenges

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Isn't it what all humans were put here to do ...love selflessly?

You specifically said that's what 'real women' were put here to do. Whatever that means

ILoveYourVibes

lozenges wrote: »

You specifically said that's what 'real women' were put here to do. Whatever that means

I did. No need to get so emotional.

Real women and real men love selflessly. The rest is stupid games that kids play.

It tends to come more easily to women though.

Both parties in this thread are playing stupid games. Its at primary school level.

AulWan

You also don't have to love your step-children selflessly - or at all - or act as a parent to them.

All you have to do is accept they will be a part of your life as long as you are in a relationship with their parent, and show kindness and consideration for them.

Nobody expects a step-parent to feel the same kind of "selfless" love for a step-child that their parent does.

If it happens that way, great. But its not a requirement.

ILoveYourVibes

AulWan wrote: »

You also don't have to love your step-children selflessly - or at all - or act as a parent to them.

All you have to do is accept they will be a part of your life as long as you are in a relationship with their parent, and show kindness and consideration for them.

Nobody expects a step-parent to feel the same kind of "selfless" love for a step-child that their parent does.

If it happens that way, great. But its not a requirement.

I disagree. In fact i am shocked at the selfishness and pettiness of what you have written. It seems immature.

I am not calling you a bad person or anything. But i pretty much thought it was a given if you marry a man with children ...this is what you offer to them. Regardless of what they feel ...or any resentment they have for you...you must have endless patience for them.

You love them like a mother ..even though they may never feel it in return. If they don't want you to show it ...love them from the background.

AulWan

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I disagree. In fact i am shocked at the selfishness and pettiness of what you have written.

In this day and age when more and more people have children from previous relationships before they marry, or marriages fail and they move on to new relationships and have more children, blended families are more common then ever.

I know many, many people who are either step-parents themselves, or whose partners' are their childrens' step-parent, and every one I've spoken too about this has said the same thing. You don't have to love your partner's children like they are your own. You just be good to them.

Your views are very out-dated, in some aspects.

ILoveYourVibes

AulWan wrote: »

In this day and age when more and more people have children from previous relationships before they marry, or marriages fail and they move on to new relationships and have more children, blended families are more common then ever.

I know many, many people who are either step-parents themselves, or whose partners' are their childrens' step-parent, and every one I've spoken too about this has said the same thing. You don't have to love your partner's children like they are your own. You just be good to them.

Your views are very out-dated, in some aspects.

Unconditional selfless love should never be outdated.

If it is ..i am glad i am outdated.

AulWan

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You love them like a mother ..even though they may never feel it in return. If they don't want you to show it ...love them from the background.

"Love them like a mother" from the background all you want, but unless their actual mother has passed away, usually step-children already have a mother and they don't need another one.

There is nothing that will raise another woman's hackles faster and result in causing conflict between ex-partners, then when the new wife or partner tries to take on a parenting role where it is not wanted or needed.

The role of a step-parent is a very difficult, and often a thankless one. It is hard to know where the boundaries are, but you should at least know there are boundaries and not to over-step them.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

I was unable to review this thread properly until now. A number of off-topic posts have been deleted.

This thread has largely been derailed by posters conducting a general discussion amongst themselves, rather than addressing constructive advice to the OP.

The thread might be inactive now but I am adding this note as a reminder that off-topic discussion is against the PI charter and posters are requested not to engage in it.

Thanks

SB1987

wiggle16 wrote: »

Mod warning:

I was unable to review this thread properly until now. A number of off-topic posts have been deleted.

This thread has largely been derailed by posters conducting a general discussion amongst themselves, rather than addressing constructive advice to the OP.

The thread might be inactive now but I am adding this note as a reminder that off-topic discussion is against the PI charter and posters are requested not to engage in it.

Thanks

Thank you. I came away from this thread because I felt it was becoming more of an attack on me, and people weren't reading the initial post.

I'll try again...

So basically once you've read the initial post, I've discovered my husband has created profiles and been communicating with other women on fetish/dating sites.

I wanted advice on how to approach it and hear from anyone who may have gone through the same.

Or anyone from a broken marriage where you just weren't compatible any more.

KrustyUCC

Well if ye are not compatible any more it's time to end the relationship for good

Sex is a huge part of any relationship

He feels that you are rejecting him over and over even though you aren't withholding sex it's become far less frequent

You don't feel that he is attractive and that he isn't showing you enough affection etc

Very hard to show affecting to someone who is turning you down for sex on a consistent basis

It's a vicious circle that is hard to square

Throw in money issues, his treatment or not treatment of you after surgery and your disapproval of his choices regarding his daughter then it's not just a single issue needs sorting

As regard the fetish sites etc you can confront him with the info or not

Sleepy

SB1987 wrote: »

I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.

However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.

Did you discuss this with your husband before ye married? I can't imagine any parent agreeing to those terms as, frankly, they're highly unreasonable.

Honestly, the best thing to do here is to leave the poor man before you trap him in a miserable marriage by having children together and you cause his daughter untold damage when you inevitably treat her as the second-class member of your family that you see her as.

You're reading posters in this thread as attacking you when, honestly, you just don't seem to like the advice you're getting. Your husband trying to sate his libido by playing on-line isn't the real problem here, it's a symptom of a failing marriage.

suicide_circus

your marriage is a charade. you dont seem suited. you dont fancy him, you resent his daughter, he's bad with money...what are you still doing there?

pinkyeye

SB1987 wrote: »

Thank you. I came away from this thread because I felt it was becoming more of an attack on me, and people weren't reading the initial post.

I'll try again...

So basically once you've read the initial post, I've discovered my husband has created profiles and been communicating with other women on fetish/dating sites.

I wanted advice on how to approach it and hear from anyone who may have gone through the same.

Or anyone from a broken marriage where you just weren't compatible any more.

OP I come from a broken marriage and the advice I would give you is to end it. Simple as. I know it's not easy and it took me a while too but the only reasons I've seen so far for continuing this relationship are that:

1. You have a car loan together. BS. That can be sorted fairly lively.

2. You just had surgery. You admitted yourself you have your parents to look after you so why is that a deterrent?

You have no respect for this man and you would be doing both yourself and him a favour by letting him go.

Sorry if you don't like advice that's critical but what exactly were you expecting?

I think you were maybe expecting sympathy but it's difficult to have sympathy for someone who has an easy choice to make.

I had 3 kids when I split up from my husband and I survived. So will you.

tara73

God, I don't know what's going on in this thread OP, don't take all this answers to heart! I have a feeling I'm reading different posts from the OP than the others here and I think things get twisted badly to make you out as the 'bad' person here or the one in the 'wrong' because you are withholding sex.

The OP wrote more than once she feels emotionally neglected in this relationship, we have to take this as a fact here if somebody writes it and don't twist things. This is one big understandable reason she doesn't feel attracted to her husband and doesn't want sex. What is the husband doing? Going on fetish sites and chatting with women on social media. So this seems as an the accepted solution in this thread.

The OP having difficulties with the daughter of the husband is a complete different subject than she raised in her OP, I don't know why people are allowed to derail the thread concentrating on the very delicate issue of discussing how a stepmother should feel or behave towards her stepdaughter. what does this have to do with the husband being on fetish sites and chatting online to women?

Crazy stuff here!

OP, coming back to your original post and your follow ups if you want to try to safe this marriage you need to try again (last time?) to talk to him although my guess is you already did in the past. Tell him how you feel, what you need from him emotionally. Often it's difficult to not be reproachful in this duscussion but try not to be.
But honestly I think your husband isn't able to be in a marriage in the first place. Going for days without speaking to you and going on fetish sites/chatting online to women isn't a mature way of behaviour being married, to put it mildly! I mean, where do this fetish thing will end anyway? Do you share this fetish? Obviously not. If not, he most probably will look to satisfy it with someone else in the long run?
It's time to end it, you don't have kids togehter, makes it easier.

AulWan

tara73 wrote: »

The OP having difficulties with the daughter of the husband is a complete different subject than she raised in her OP,

The OP herself brought his child into the thread, supposedly to show an example of how he "emotionally neglects" the OP. This backfired because the vast majority saw it for what it was - her being jealous of the time, money and attention he gives to his child.

The one thing it seems all are in agreement with, is that the marriage needs to end.

The hopefully, the OP can meet someone who will meet all her standards, and he can meet someone who he can have a fulfilling sex life with who doesn't treat sex as a transaction for "efforts made".

tara73

AulWan wrote: »

The OP herself brought his child into the thread, supposedly to show an example of how he "emotionally neglects" the OP. This backfired because the vast majority saw it for what it was - her being jealous of the time, money and attention he gives to his child.
.

that's what I mean, you and others judge here very harshly without any foundations just speculation. seems you know the dynamics of this relationship like you're there in their house witnessing it. :rolleyes:

One day you will need help too like everybody does at some stage and good luck with being judged and disrespected like the OP in this thread, unfortunately seems to get common here.

I'm here in this excellent forum for a long time trying to help people in trouble, there seems to be a shortage of moderators these days because normally posts like yours and all the others, going as far as some completely weird Hitler-comparison brought into, are not wanted here and would be deleted.



I'm sure you come back with some new judgmental stuff, I'm out!

LillySV

Ignoring the fact he’s chatting girls online(probabaly just doing it to feel affection as you sound like your constantly turning him down), everything else you said criticizes everything about him , his attitude, his ego , then u found fault with his job and how he spends money .... no mention of Any positives to him....I even think u see his daughter as a hindrance rather than a lovely child you would like to help raise...and there’s no mention of fault on your side anyways.... u looking for people to say “you go girl” on this...which you are getting in buckets.. you want mr perfect, a guy who sits around complimenting you all day while having a great well paid job that you can feel proud about and show off to your friends.... u don’t appreciate what you have got.... so leave them quickly and try and find your more suited mr perfect and he can try and find a more suited mrs perfect to help raise his daughter

B0jangles

I think the OP is getting a very hard time here - I went back to see what was said about the stepchild since that seems to have kicked off a lot of the criticism and as far as I can see it's this:

He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!

Is it really reasonable to prioritize hobby spending over household essentials? Would the parents posting here really pay for a child's horseriding lesson ahead of the gas bill?

The idea that the 'child comes first every time, no exceptions' seems pretty unreasonable to me - there's always context.

OP, if your partner is unwilling to discuss your mutual situation - where you feel like your emotional needs are being ignored and he presumably feels you're not fulfilling his physical needs, it's hard to see how the relationship can continue.

AulWan

tara73 wrote: »

that's what I mean, you and others judge here very harshly without any foundations just speculation. seems you know the dynamics of this relationship like you're there in their house witnessing it. :rolleyes:

One day you will need help too like everybody does at some stage and good luck with being judged and disrespected like the OP in this thread, unfortunately seems to get common here.

I'm here in this excellent forum for a long time trying to help people in trouble, there seems to be a shortage of moderators these days because normally posts like yours and all the others, going as far as some completely weird Hitler-comparison brought into, are not wanted here and would be deleted.



I'm sure you come back with some new judgmental stuff, I'm out!

Where did I make some Hitler comparison?

I am not one of those "are you ok, hun?" types of poster who just offers comfort and validation no matter what the situation. Sometimes that is actually the opposite of what the OP needs and it does them no favours at all.

What can help is an alternative perspective from someone outside the situation.

Getting a less then positive response to your own actions is something you have to be prepared for when you post on an internet forum.

Or we could all just say "oh its all him, poor you", but that would by lying, and whats the use in that?

AulWan

B0jangles wrote: »

Is it really reasonable to prioritize hobby spending over household essentials? Would the parents posting here really pay for a child's horseriding lesson ahead of the gas bill?

It depends. He could be court ordered to pay towards his child's activities. That's pretty standard. Or he could be feeling guilt and over-compensating because he only gets to see his daughter once every fortnight, which is also pretty standard.

Most parents will strive to keep things as normal as possible for their children from previous relationships, even if it's expensive. No one wants to tell their child they have to stop a hobby because they can't afford to contribute towards it.

If he can't afford their shared bills, then absolutely a discussion is warranted. No one said it wasn't. But if she wants her husband to cut down on her stepchild's hobby so he can increase what he contributes to their savings, (which seems to be her real priority) then thats a different story.

ILoveYourVibes

He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!

Sounds like he is leeching off you.

strandroad

AulWan wrote: »

It depends. He could be court ordered to pay towards his child's activities. That's pretty standard. Or he could be feeling guilt and over-compensating because he only gets to see his daughter once every fortnight, which is also pretty standard.

Most parents will strive to keep things as normal as possible for their children from previous relationships, even if it's expensive. No one wants to tell their child they have to stop a hobby because they can't afford to contribute towards it.

If he can't afford their shared bills, then absolutely a discussion is warranted. No one said it wasn't. But if she wants her husband to cut down on her stepchild's hobby so he can increase what he contributes to their savings, (which seems to be her real priority) then thats a different story.

It's not their savings (although it is a healthy priority as well), it is their rent and bills that he is short on. In effect, it's the OP who is paying for the horse riding by subsidising his share of their bills.

Most posters here are piling on the OP, but I think the fault is split fairly evenly. She doesn't want to provide sex, he doesn't want to provide affection, care in sickness or his share of the household bills. If they have already tried counselling without any success there doesn't seem to be any other avenue to save this relationship but I don't think it's fair to say that it's all OP's fault and flaws that caused it.

If my husband had invasive surgery I simply cannot imagine dumping him on his parents for recovery and not even visiting. It's just mind blowing to me. Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? Why to be with another person at all if you are so uncaring?

AulWan

strandroad wrote: »

If my husband had invasive surgery I simply cannot imagine dumping him on his parents for recovery and not even visiting. It's just mind blowing to me. Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? Why to be with another person at all if you are so uncaring?

Thats actually really unfair.

The OP has already explained that her husband had just started a new job, so couldn't take time off work to look after her after the surgery - with her agreement.

He also only gets to see his daughter every second weekend - so he did his usual thing with his daughter during her access visit and then went to see the OP afterwards. Its not like he was ignoring his wife or her surgery.

I think it was incredibly selfish that the OP (an adult) expected him to sacrifice on what little time he gets to spend with his daughter (a child) when he was going to visit her afterwards, anyway.

As an aside - I wonder how many people here have experienced what it is like to co-parent as a non-custodial parent, specifically, as a non-custodial father.

strandroad

AulWan wrote: »

I think it was incredibly selfish that the OP (an adult) expected him to compromise on the scant time he has with his daughter (a child) when he has so little of it, and was going to see her afterwards, anyway.

Well we disagree here, while I completely recognise the importance of responsible and dependable parenting, there are also emergencies when one needs to negotiate and compromise to accommodate different family members. I would see serious illness or surgery as such emergency, and I cannot blame someone who is seriously ill to feel dependent and abandoned. If her husband was happy to plan his only visit so that it overlaps and must be cancelled or curtailed because of his arrangements with his daughter, it does feel uncaring to me. Again, it might be just my relationship colouring my judgment but in a distressing situation it feels very cold and devoid of affection.

I agree that new partners must understand the priority given to children. But parents must show willingness to accommodate all sides; otherwise the new partner is relegated to living on breadcrumbs of affection.

AulWan

There was no emergency.

His wife was recovering from surgery. He had already taken a week off from work (at his new job) when she was in hosptial, and then he went back to work and she went to her parents - the OP herself agreed to this.

We do not know what kind of co-parenting relationship her husband has with his child's mother, but given that he only gets to see his child once a fortnight he probably did not want to let his child down for what was actually a non-emergency and more like his wife feeling needy. If she was a parent herself, she might understand this better.

I can 100% guarantee you if he had let his child down, there would be comments on here slating him for being a terrible, uncaring, unreliable father for letting his child down.

I pity the guy, he is caught between a rock and a hard place and it looks like he can't please everyone no matter what way he turns. So I think he was 100% right to put his child first here, as she will always be in his life.

lozenges

OP. Whatever about your partner's daughter, it seems that you and your partner have pretty different expectations of your relationship, to the point that the two of you don't seem compatible. End the relationship if it is making you unhappy.