huge crush on my coworker

Notmything

Op, from this and your other posts it's striking how quick you are to blame others for things that affect you. Yet, you never seem to look at yourself and see if you are ever to blame. You also 'ignore' posts that suggest that you might be part of the problem.

Yes life has been tough and you have had to deal with many issues, but you need to start looking at yourself and your own actions.

pwurple

I think the OP is half-asking if the sexual contact like touching peoples knees and putting your arms around them is inappropriate. The answer is yes, it is inappropriate.

OP, I'd be avoiding that fellow like the plague, he clearly has difficulty keeping it in his pants. He will chew you up and spit you out by the time you've figured out what happened. What do you think would happen... maybe some sex and then he disappears onto the next woman. Where does that leave you? Used and Miserable.


Your relationship with your husband is different, don't mix them up.

chris525

bitofabind wrote: »

If married life is "dull and boring", the responsibility falls on YOU to fix that - and you'd do well to remember that there are two young children to consider here too.

I talked to my husband and he just keeps saying that 'we have kids, we have kids'. He says that he's always tired from the kids. Well so am I but the baby sleeps through the night now. I have to get up at 6 and I don't get home until 6:30 due to commuting. I also do help care for the kids when I get home and I still have time and energy to be romantic. Maybe his age has something to do with it? He's 38. He really changed after we had kids.

chris525

pwurple wrote: »

I think the OP is half-asking if the sexual contact like touching peoples knees and putting your arms around them is inappropriate. The answer is yes, it is inappropriate.

OP, I'd be avoiding that fellow like the plague, he clearly has difficulty keeping it in his pants. He will chew you up and spit you out by the time you've figured out what happened. What do you think would happen... maybe some sex and then he disappears onto the next woman. Where does that leave you? Used and Miserable.


Your relationship with your husband is different, don't mix them up.

Yes, you are correct. I mean I also think he's had too many girlfriends for someone his age. It means none of them lasted a while.

I also overheard him saying to another colleague: 'my parents want me to do this, my parents want me to do that..'. Really? At his age after he's moved out of their house?

LegacyUser

chris525 wrote: »

I talked to my husband and he just keeps saying that 'we have kids, we have kids'. He says that he's always tired from the kids. Well so am I but the baby sleeps through the night now. I have to get up at 6 and I don't get home until 6:30 due to commuting. I also do help care for the kids when I get home and I still have time and energy to be romantic. Maybe his age has something to do with it? He's 38. He really changed after we had kids.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. It's not fair that he pushes you away romantically. Everyone is tired, that's modern life, but relationships thrive or die based on the effort we put into them. Does he still love you, does he still want to stay married? You need to ask him some hard questions and be prepared to hear the answers. I would 100% recommend couples therapy.

As for the work guy, FORGET ABOUT HIM. Don't try and figure out why he behaved as he did. Just forget it. You have bigger things to focus on.

Notmything

chris525 wrote: »

Yes, you are correct. I mean I also think he's had too many girlfriends for someone his age. It means none of them lasted a while.

I also overheard him saying to another colleague: 'my parents want me to do this, my parents want me to do that..'. Really? At his age after he's moved out of their house?

Tbh, I'm not sure why this is an issue, unless you are using them as excuses to judge him.

Idle Passerby

chris525 wrote: »

Yes, you are correct. I mean I also think he's had too many girlfriends for someone his age. It means none of them lasted a while.

I also overheard him saying to another colleague: 'my parents want me to do this, my parents want me to do that..'. Really? At his age after he's moved out of their house?

Why do you have a crush on someone you seem to dislike? Seriously OP, you have far bigger fish to fry than obsessing over some rando at work.

KaneToad

chris525 wrote: »

Finally, after a month of no action something happened with my husband. It was decent. I guess what's really missing for me is the romance.

Not sure what you consider 'decent' - 10 mins of pumping or 30 mins of oral sex?? I'm being facetious... what's to say that this work fella would be better than decent? It would appear that the sexual interaction isn't what you're after. Your relationship problem with the husband seem greater than that. Big questions time for ye. Frank discussion with husband about what you want from the marriage. If it's not on the cards, you're best calling it a day.

Worst scenario is a bit of slap and tickle with workmate and an acrimonious split from husband. It's unlikely this work colleague is going to provide you with the romantic relationship you're looking for. The most you'll get is a few short lived thrills. Tread carefully! Look after yourself.

chris525

talk to hubby wrote: »

You need to have a serious conversation with him. It's not fair that he pushes you away romantically. Everyone is tired, that's modern life, but relationships thrive or die based on the effort we put into them. Does he still love you, does he still want to stay married? You need to ask him some hard questions and be prepared to hear the answers. I would 100% recommend couples therapy.

As for the work guy, FORGET ABOUT HIM. Don't try and figure out why he behaved as he did. Just forget it. You have bigger things to focus on.

Maybe I should be starting a new thread about this but he only wants sex on the weekends. He says he's too tired during the week due to the kids. He says that any nagging and/or arguments destroy the tiny bit of passion that he might have left and the cycle continues. I guess sometimes I do nag and argue out of frustration. I can try something else.

lastusername

OP, you have certain thinking about your husband which leads to a certain feeling, which leads to nagging and sniping, etc - obviously not conducive to romance and sparks!

However, don't see it as you causing this to happen - you're not to blame and neither is your husband. It is just a feeling going through you, it will pass on if you let it. There is no need to build a story around this.

It's a bit like the 'crush' - is it really a crush, or just a a collection of fleeting feelings? I think you are beginning to see already it looks a lot like the latter, and most likely if this coworker left, you'd never even think about him again!

If it were me, next time you feel yourself feeling frustrated or feeling you want to nag your husband, maybe just notice the thought / feeling, and just sit with it.

Observe it, and watch how it just passes if you don't follow it.

Good things can come from there, when you and your husband are not caught up in your thoughts and feelings about each other, and the stories you have both created. We all create and live in our own stories, but they can and do change at any time.

I think you already saw that when you had that one night of romance. There can be many more.

milli milli

When you’re feeling neglected in a relationship/marriage, it is very easy to develop crushes on other people, however inappropriate.
That’s what I see here - I’m not sure why a lot of people are in disbelief at this.
That’s how affairs usually start anyway.

I’m not condoning the OP’s behaviour, just pointing out that when you’re starved of attention, these things tend to happen.

Not sure what advice I’d have for you, OP. You really need to look at the relationship with your husband and see if there’s anything worth salvaging.
I haven’t read your other (separate) threads so can’t comment on them.

You know if your situation is making you feel ‘old’ at the young age of 31, then you need to re-evaluate what’s happening in your life.

dvdman1

1st off ignore the work guy, that wont offer you anything and certainly wont change your life. Actually it has the ability to make you more miserable.

Take control of your life, change your job..what about the husband working? Get out of your comfort zone, go on family weekend breaks, do new stuff camp with the family all cycle together..

A round of marriage counselling may do you good too, make sure you do at least 1 positive thing for hubby everyday, you'll be suprised that eventually it'll be reciprocal.

One poster said life is hard..hes right...Put your family first thats the kids no1 then hubby n you..thinking of yourself constantly is not the road to happiness
Take pride in good deeds, break the routine up..create new routines.

qwerty13

The co-worker thing is just yet another manifestation of the fact that you are not happy with your life, but you’re continuing to blame someone else for that.

Yes, your father was an idiot (based on what you’ve said here / been told)
Yes, your mother isn’t exactly maternal
Yes, you seem to be in a joyless marriage
Yes, your colleague was a tipsy flirty eejit.

BUT - you have the power to move on. To accept reality, and stop obsessing over it, or trying to thinking that a stupid flirtation with a colleague would fix it.

I’m the product of a mother who refused to move on. Who dragged me into her past. As if I wasn’t aware from a very early age that something was wrong. You need to think about this. It’s not just about what you want. You are letting this seep (very obviously) into your relationship. It can only be a matter of time before your kids pick up on the tension. Personally, that was 3.5 years of age for me.

I genuinely don’t say this unkindly, but your problem is you. You can’t change your past, no matter how much you continue to obsess over it. You can change your future though - and that is in your control.

tomwaits48

Your poor husband.

Laurali

You need to take responsibility for the things you can control and turn the victim mentality around. Cheating or pursuing an affair with a 25 year old when you have a family at home is never going to work out. If you are unhappy with your relationship, put the effort in to fix it or move away from it - And don't forget your children come first in all of this.

wiggle16

tomwaits48 wrote: »

Your poor husband.

Laurali wrote: »

I am struggling to believe that you are the same age as me.

Mod:

If you don't have advice for the OP, then don't post. Throwaway comments like the above aren't helpful or constructive.

lastusername

Everyone is rushing to comment on the OP's behaviour. What we've all been taught to do and conditioned to do is to look at the behaviour as the starting point.

Everyone acts on what feels real to them, what they feel they should do based on how the world looks to them. This is not excusing wrongdoing (no, you really shouldn't cheat), but just looking at what thoughts might be driving what's going on is a more useful starting point.

If you think about it, how helpful is it to say to the OP that "the problem is you"; "you have a problem and need to sort it out", etc.

Flip it around and ask how useful it would be to hear someone else say that to you, in any situation. Do we really believe that the OP doesn't realise that her behaviour isn't helping her?!

The OP has certain thinking about her life, her husband, her family and situation. If she can sit with the idea that these are just thoughts, and she doesn't need to follow and be led by each one of them - or any of them - that's when some wiser insights may open up for her.

Not every thought means something. Not every thought is something to act upon, or read meaning into.

When your mind quietens down and emerges from its tangle of thoughts, THAT tends to be only when you can get some clarity on what needs to be done, and on what doesn't matter all that much after all.

monty_python

<snipped>

wiggle16

Mod warning:

If you don't have advice for the OP, don't post.

Any further jabs at the OP and cards will be handed out.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Why is it only women who must do this and not men?

What do you mean? Countless men have done what the OP has done forever and the vast majority managed to not go after a young coworker and blow up their family life.

The OP's husband is also a case study in what happens to a stay at home dad. He is totally emasculated and no longer attractive to the OP.

Also would wonder about the whole idea of going away with work colleagues on a holiday. How many married men (or women) with young kids do this? Not the ones happily married, that's for sure. Or the ones with high standards of behaviour.

chris525

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Also would wonder about the whole idea of going away with work colleagues on a holiday. How many married men (or women) with young kids do this? Not the ones happily married, that's for sure. Or the ones with high standards of behaviour.

We can't afford to go on holiday together as a family so I was only going due to the reduced cost from the group rates.

chris525

milli milli wrote: »

When you’re feeling neglected in a relationship/marriage, it is very easy to develop crushes on other people, however inappropriate.
That’s what I see here - I’m not sure why a lot of people are in disbelief at this.
That’s how affairs usually start anyway.

I’m not condoning the OP’s behaviour, just pointing out that when you’re starved of attention, these things tend to happen.

Not sure what advice I’d have for you, OP. You really need to look at the relationship with your husband and see if there’s anything worth salvaging.
I haven’t read your other (separate) threads so can’t comment on them.

You know if your situation is making you feel ‘old’ at the young age of 31, then you need to re-evaluate what’s happening in your life.

I guess I get so bored and sick of our lifestyle that it makes me want to nag. On the weekend I have to get up with the kids while he sleeps in and by the time he's ready to go anywhere I'm fed up and I start nagging. He also uses the weekend as a break from the kids and pulls out his laptop. Then if I even tell him I'm going to the toilet he says I'm nagging but I came back and our son had a battery in his mouth. I was nagging for a good reason and he holds it against me.

chris525

dvdman1 wrote: »

1st off ignore the work guy, that wont offer you anything and certainly wont change your life. Actually it has the ability to make you more miserable.

Take control of your life, change your job..what about the husband working? Get out of your comfort zone, go on family weekend breaks, do new stuff camp with the family all cycle together..

A round of marriage counselling may do you good too, make sure you do at least 1 positive thing for hubby everyday, you'll be suprised that eventually it'll be reciprocal.

One poster said life is hard..hes right...Put your family first thats the kids no1 then hubby n you..thinking of yourself constantly is not the road to happiness
Take pride in good deeds, break the routine up..create new routines.

My husband refuses to work. I don't want to be a stay at home parent but he doesn't ever want to use a creche or childminder so this was our compromise but it effects our marriage and he doesn't care.

He has a low libido and doesn't flirt with me and doesn't make me feel special. He says he shouldn't have to because we are married etc.

wirelessdude01

Round and round in circles you go. To me it sounds like you have no interest in him either.

cannotlogin

Boards doesn't provide marriage counselling but I think that's what you both badly need to try it.

Talking to your husband, or qualified professionals, as opposed to strangers on the internet, is the only thing that can help you.

qwerty13

I don’t understand you. You went on ‘work hol’ knowing that was not enough money for a family hol. So you didn’t you keep the funds for a family wkend, days out, a babysitter???

Do you ever make your husband feel special? Or is it just you who ‘deserves’to feel that way?

pwurple

qwerty13 wrote: »

I don’t understand you. You went on ‘work hol’ knowing that was not enough money for a family hol. So you didn’t you keep the funds for a family wkend, days out, a babysitter???

Do you ever make your husband feel special? Or is it just you who ‘deserves’to feel that way?

Keep what funds? I imagine work paid for the travel.

OP. I think your mindset on your husband has to change. By staying home with children he is supporting you. If you need more money, you are the primary earner, you focus on what you need to do to get up that career ladder. You are perfectly set up for it with your support here. Many working women would kill for a stay at home daddy.

Can you take a course outside work for professional development? Can you apply for another job? I am pretty sure shagging a co-worker won't get you any additional cash. But while your kids are young and your husband is wrecked, you could try to make the most of this situation and develop professionally.

Ash.J.Williams

zapper55 wrote: »

He could miscontrue pulling a funny face as flirting. Op stay away from him.

In another thread you've condemned an absent father. Perhaps he did what you are tempted to do and cheated on your mother (seeing as how you don't know the full story).

If you cheated and your husband left you he could make a strong case for full time carer of the children as he is currently and as your other family relationships are deeply dysfunctional from your descriptions.

Everything that goes wrong in your life is someone else's fault. Instead of sleeping with a colleague focus on your own marriage. If it's dead then deal with that. Do you really think your children dont pick up on the tension? Let them stay in the current environment and in a few years they'll be as unhappy as you are now. Do you want that?

That’s a good point the op will lose her kids and have to pay maintenance and negotiate access like men do

qwerty13

pwurple wrote: »

Keep what funds? I imagine work paid for the travel. .

The OP said about going to avail of group rates, so that’s to me as though work didn’t pay. And even so, there’s spending money. Not to mention a husband who is wrecked from the kids already. I just don’t understand that, to me that shows incredible lack of self awareness, especially given the issues the OP has with family

dvdman1

chris525 wrote: »

My husband refuses to work. I don't want to be a stay at home parent but he doesn't ever want to use a creche or childminder so this was our compromise but it effects our marriage and he doesn't care.

He has a low libido and doesn't flirt with me and doesn't make me feel special. He says he shouldn't have to because we are married etc.

What do you do for your husband?

Ash.J.Williams

dvdman1 wrote: »

What do you do for your husband?

Good point ..,should the earner be the one to spice things up at home?

chris525

dvdman1 wrote: »

What do you do for your husband?

I look after the kids when I get home and on the weekends. I take them to their doctors appointments etc. I do the shopping. I'm their mother after all.

I never get a break but I give him breaks and he's the one whose constantly tired but I still have energy to do things and to be romantic. He doesn't do all the cleaning either.

If I got a new job it would substantially increase my commute which would probably not help us at all. Probably make things worse.

chris525

qwerty13 wrote: »

I don’t understand you. You went on ‘work hol’ knowing that was not enough money for a family hol. So you didn’t you keep the funds for a family wkend, days out, a babysitter???

Do you ever make your husband feel special? Or is it just you who ‘deserves’to feel that way?

I said in a previous post that my husband is not willing to EVER use a babysitter even for us to go on a night out.

chris525

pwurple wrote: »

Keep what funds? I imagine work paid for the travel.

OP. I think your mindset on your husband has to change. By staying home with children he is supporting you. If you need more money, you are the primary earner, you focus on what you need to do to get up that career ladder. You are perfectly set up for it with your support here. Many working women would kill for a stay at home daddy.

Can you take a course outside work for professional development? Can you apply for another job? I am pretty sure shagging a co-worker won't get you any additional cash. But while your kids are young and your husband is wrecked, you could try to make the most of this situation and develop professionally.

My husband is not willing to live closer to where higher paying jobs are. He's not willing to live in county Dublin so he is partly responsible for this situation. He is limiting us.

I also want to spend time with my children when I get home.

Ash.J.Williams

chris525 wrote: »

I said in a previous post that my husband is not willing to EVER use a babysitter even for us to go on a night out.

Does he have the capilabilty of earning more than you ? Does he like weed?

chris525

qwerty13 wrote: »

The OP said about going to avail of group rates, so that’s to me as though work didn’t pay. And even so, there’s spending money. Not to mention a husband who is wrecked from the kids already. I just don’t understand that, to me that shows incredible lack of self awareness, especially given the issues the OP has with family

My husband is not completly innocent in this. He's partly responsible for this situation. He refuses to use a babysitter ever, he refuses to work, he refuses to live in county Dublin where I could be paid more etc.

chris525

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Does he have the capilabilty of earning more than you ? Does he like weed?

At this point in time he doesn't have my earning capacity. He hasn't worked in over 5 years. No he doesn't smoke weed or drink alcohol.

Ursus Horribilis

cannotlogin wrote: »

Boards doesn't provide marriage counselling but I think that's what you both badly need to try it.

Talking to your husband, or qualified professionals, as opposed to strangers on the internet, is the only thing that can help you.

Agreed. I'm not sure what this thread is going to do for you other than for you to vent. It's obvious that you have very serious issues going on and none of us are equipped to help you. Your family background is messy and some of what you posted in the other threads don't sound like the thoughts of somebody who's in a good place mentally. Your marriage isn't happy either and that's something that needs to be dealt with in real life.

I think for a start, you need to change the counsellor you've been seeing until now. They don't seem to be giving you the help you need. Take that one small step for a starter. I hope you're not using the internet as "help", rather than proper therapy.

chris525

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Agreed. I'm not sure what this thread is going to do for you other than for you to vent. It's obvious that you have very serious issues going on and none of us are equipped to help you. Your family background is messy and some of what you posted in the other threads don't sound like the thoughts of somebody who's in a good place mentally. Your marriage isn't happy either and that's something that needs to be dealt with in real life.

I think for a start, you need to change the counsellor you've been seeing until now. They don't seem to be giving you the help you need. Take that one small step for a starter. I hope you're not using the internet as "help", rather than proper therapy.

I've talked to my husband a thousand times. He won't use a creche or a babysitter ever. No compromising here.

I've talked to him about it all and he says the same things each time.

I've seen a number of 'therapists' over the years and none do too much to help. I don't know.

dellas1979

chris525 wrote: »

I've seen a number of 'therapists' over the years and none do too much to help. I don't know.

Because you have to help yourself first. Noone can do that for you.

Perhaps leaving the marriage is all that is left. Have you explored this?

Ursus Horribilis

chris525 wrote: »

I've talked to my husband a thousand times. He won't use a creche or a babysitter ever. No compromising here.

I've talked to him about it all and he says the same things each time.

I've seen a number of 'therapists' over the years and none do too much to help. I don't know.

What do you think we can do that a therapist can't? If your marriage as far gone as it seems to be, then perhaps you need to consider ending it? That in itself is a very serious step and not one to be taken lightly.

woodchuck

Mod note:

@Oasis1974, I've deleted your post as it is well below the standard expected - anything further like that and you'll be getting a card.

tara73

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Good point ..,should the earner be the one to spice things up at home?

why don't you eff off to AH with your useless remarks, it's general discussion stuff, it's not wanted here!

chris525

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What do you think we can do that a therapist can't? If your marriage as far gone as it seems to be, then perhaps you need to consider ending it? That in itself is a very serious step and not one to be taken lightly.

Very expensive and not something I could afford for a very long time. Also, I wouldn't get to see my kids everyday and that's no good for me.

I guess it's not THAT bad. It's not a warzone just not really what I want. Maybe life with young kids is really just this hard? Perhaps my husband's choices are making harder than it could be but I can't control that.

Our kids are literally ANIMALS. Like crazy, non stop, wild animals. They can't just relax and do nothing for a while and if you turn your eyes away for a minute they break something or do something they are not supposed to.

IHeartShoes

Hey Chris - I am really at a loss as to why you continue to post here. Apart from one or two posters, the remainder are rude and demeaning to you. It is borderline abuse at this late stage. I’ve seen responses previously to posters saying that their wives refuse to work and the wives are called all sorts with lots of sympathy offered to the poster. But you’re told to consider yourself lucky! It’s like watching someone kicking a dying dog...

You don’t have to justify anything to anyone on this forum. You’re constantly defending yourself. It’s a total waste of time, clearly.

You are in a **** show at home. Much like this forum, you’re going to need to assert yourself at home too. There is subsidised counselling available from Accord. I’m not mad about the religious ethos but I’m familiar with lots of their counsellors and that doesn’t feature. Like any counsellor, you might need to try more than one.

You sound like you have a responsible job. Use those skills and organise yourself. Make a plan and execute it. Exhaust all possibilities and if you cannot resolve the current impasse, you can leave with your children in the knowledge you have given it your all. Children are far better off coming from a broken home than being raised in one. Yours appears very broken. It’s pointless apportioning blame for that. Just try and resolve it.

Lots of people have broken marriages including me but everyone’s experience is different and individual. I’m not sure our experiences can help your situation. There are some common themes as alluded to above. Try counselling. Put the children first. But try not to be afraid of making the hard decisions if that is what is required here.

Ignore the slings and arrows thrown here.

S

qwerty13

chris525 wrote: »

I said in a previous post that my husband is not willing to EVER use a babysitter even for us to go on a night out.

But you haven’t said why you used apparently low amount of money available to go on hols yourself, when it could have been used for family days out, or a weekend away. Yet again, you refuse to address questions that you don’t like. Not that you’re under any obligation to answer me - but you urgently need to open your mind to the fact that you are far from blameless in the strife in your relationships with others.

If I was at home all week with children, and money was tight, I’d be livid if my partner went on hols on their own.

zapper55

OP children especially young children dont have impulse control or the same awareness of danger. What you've described sounds like every child I know. Do you spend one on one time with them? You sound like you dont even really like them called them crazy animals.

isohon

chris525 wrote: »

Very expensive and not something I could afford for a very long time. Also, I wouldn't get to see my kids everyday and that's no good for me.

I guess it's not THAT bad. It's not a warzone just not really what I want. Maybe life with young kids is really just this hard? Perhaps my husband's choices are making harder than it could be but I can't control that.

Our kids are literally ANIMALS. Like crazy, non stop, wild animals. They can't just relax and do nothing for a while and if you turn your eyes away for a minute they break something or do something they are not supposed to.

The sum of your posts in this thread is almost unbelievable.

'I want to F**K my co-worker'

'Can't believe my co-worker won't fLLk me! How irresponsible! And turns out he has a girlfriend, cheater much?'

'Oh my husband is boring, and not into having sex with me. So thats why I was so vulnerable to the advances of my co-worker who it turns out had no interest in me'

'Oh and my kids... they are animals, no wonder I want to fJJk my hot Polish co-worker, who flirted with me on my work holidays'

You need to do some serious, serious, self-examination.

woodchuck

Mod note:

@tara73, no backseat modding please. If you have a problem with a post, report it and the mod team will look into it.