Dealing with cliquey work colleagues

pauliebdub

I've a horrible problem with a new team I've joined over a month ago when I started my new job. I work in a team of 8 within a much larger organisation and for a completely unknown reason they are refusing to engage with me at all apart from showing me the ropes.

A few examples: they laugh and joke amongst themselves and ignore any contribution I make to the conversation. They head out to lunch by themselves leaving me alone at my desk. The one time I joined them in the canteen for breakfast they stopped talking when I sat down and went silent until I finished eating and left.

How do I deal with this. I'd love this job to work out so not interested in quitting but It's very frustrating. I'm also reluctant to report them.

Thanks.

bfa1509

I would say the worst thing to do is to try hard become part of the clique. Play it cool, cliques always have cracks and I think over time individuals from the clique will break ranks once they realise they like you better than most of the people within the clique itself. Then, the ringleader (there is always a ringleader) will be forced to either take you on board with everyone else or risk fragmenting the group.

qwerty13

I’m not saying their behaviour is ok, but maybe there wasn’t a new person in their work group for ages.

They also could have been friends for ages, and have in jokes. Or been slagging someone in the group about something only known to the group, and didn’t want to say it in front of you.

I wouldn’t write them off just yet. I’d take it easy and slowly, and I certainly wouldn’t report them, as it seems like social interaction that you feel excluded from - it doesn’t sound like they’re refusing to invite you to meetings, or help you with work.

Strumms

It’s poor behavior.. I’ve always and indeed others in my last job made definite efforts to help new additions to the department settle in. Both in terms of them into their work roles and indeed as regards the more social aspects of working in a team..

In other scenarios I’ve been in and when I’ve been ‘that new guy’ I was left to fend for myself too.... lunch on my own, others were asked if they wanted anything in the shop but not me, if I needed to ask a question as a newbie...”come on, you are just back from your training you need to know that”.

I worked out the best way to fight fire with fire was to act like them... I had asked one guy for help but he refused saying “I’m not here to babysit you”. A few weeks later the same fella had asked if I’d take some of his reports as he was behind...my reply was... “I’m not running a baby sitting service”...

Then later...”hey Strumms you going to the shop ?” My reply..”yes I am” and off I went.

Eventually apologies were forthcoming and the air was cleared after all be it a flimsy excuse that they’d been on the receiving end of some rather ‘average’ additions to the team but I didn’t see that as an excuse.

Whatever you do, fight fire with fire and don’t be an easy touch, fight your corner discreetly.

qwerty13

How is it possible to fight fire with fire, and fight your corner discreetly? That makes no sense to me.

And Strumms, it seems like you’re advocating escalating the situation. I don’t think that’s a good idea until the OP has the proper lay of the land.

Strumms

qwerty13 wrote: »

How is it possible to fight fire with fire, and fight your corner discreetly? That makes no sense to me.

And Strumms, it seems like you’re advocating escalating the situation. I don’t think that’s a good idea until the OP has the proper lay of the land.

They have instigated the situation and set the tone, ‘fighting your corner’ by doing the work you are assigned and refusing to be a victim to bullying is fire with fire... “yes I’ll look at that, when IM finished doing what I’m doing I’m just in the middle of something ”, “no I can’t stay back to help I’m meeting friends”.

It’s not an escalation it is working around a situation and negative and unpleasant and unprofessional dynamic that is being instigated by others... as the saying goes...people who want to play dirty often overlook that they may just end up underestimating who they are targeting and WILL be playing against the dirtiest and smartest player in the game...

The next day I’d bring in chocolate cup cakes for everyone... offered to the team leader/manager and then out to the office for everyone... a longer lingering look at the chief bully, a comment such as... “take two, might keep you going for the day”

From then on, divide and conquer, identify the individual(s) who you see as being dragged into this clique and going along because they are scared not to....isolate and reprogram over time, enabling them to be happier in their job, be a responsible and resourceful colleague and friend, cutting the umbilical and all of a sudden four against one is two against three and when tensions rise the chief bully looses allies and control...

_Brian

Have to be honest their being damn rude and behaving like spoiled children...
That reason alone would lead me to not want to engauge with these people in any way other than on a professional basis..

Be yourself, do your own thing and leave them to their petty club..

CoBo55

They probably had someone else lined up for your job, the rest is pretty obvious. Just do your own thing and get paid.

Sono

Not condoning their behaviour but what exactly would you be reporting them for? They haven’t done anything to report them for other than being rude, for me that is not anything to be going to management about.

Fracture

If this as America i'd say take a gun into work and take them out....but this is Ireland so i'd say just do your own thing, chat to them when the opportunity comes up, sooner or later they will chat to you more and it will all be good.

tomwaits48

the last thing you should do is report them, good luck having any sort of relationship with them. you need to ride this out; I find events like the Christmas party are a good way to break the ice. You need to create/be involved in banter esque moments with them naturally to get into the group. its herd behaviour.

Tasfasdf

Fracture wrote: »

If this as America i'd say take a gun into work and take them out....but this is Ireland so i'd say just do your own thing, chat to them when the opportunity comes up, sooner or later they will chat to you more and it will all be good.

Where do you work so I never set foot inside:o

manbitesdog

Sono wrote: »

Not condoning their behaviour but what exactly would you be reporting them for? They haven’t done anything to report them for other than being rude, for me that is not anything to be going to management about.

Deliberately excluding a colleague in this way is bullying.

dvdman1

Your only there 1 month, i wouldn't worry so much about it....lots of workplaces are like this.

Why would you be reporting these people, the fact you even thought of reporting them could mean your giving off a very strict vibe or train of thought.

LIghten up a bit and stop trying so hard to be everyones friend instantly. Give this time, you'll notice people will open up to you as you become more trusted.

Tomw86

Ok, you mention its a large organisation - so I presume there is other people in your department but not on your team.

What you should do, or what I would advise is firstly - do as Strumms said, except tone it a bit with this 'clique'. Then start chatting to people on other teams, you will find someone you click with and have similar interests as, this will become more and more the more you chat to people.

Even join a table in the canteen of people you don't know but recognise as being in your dept - they may chat to you, they may not.

Also, why do you want to be part of this clique - leave them to it unless they initiate the conversation.

manbitesdog

Maybe check out the HSA’s advice on bullying and see if it’s applicable: https://www.hsa.ie/eng/Workplace_Health/Bullying_at_Work/Are_you_being_Bullied/

On here you’ll mostly get a load of posters telling you to “lighten up”, “retaliate”, or other such idiocy.

manbitesdog

Tomw86 wrote: »

Ok, you mention its a large organisation - so I presume there is other people in your department but not on your team.

What you should do, or what I would advise is firstly - do as Strumms said, except tone it a bit with this 'clique'. Then start chatting to people on other teams, you will find someone you click with and have similar interests as, this will become more and more the more you chat to people.

Even join a table in the canteen of people you don't know but recognise as being in your dept - they may chat to you, they may not.

Also, why do you want to be part of this clique - leave them to it unless they initiate the conversation.

You just asked someone why they want to feel part of their actual team at work.

dvdman1

manbitesdog wrote: »

Maybe check out the HSA’s advice on bullying and see if it’s applicable: https://www.hsa.ie/eng/Workplace_Health/Bullying_at_Work/Are_you_being_Bullied/

On here you’ll mostly get a load of posters telling you to “lighten up”, “retaliate”, or other such idiocy.

Checking to see if you qualify as a victim is idiocy

Tomw86

manbitesdog wrote: »

You just asked someone why they want to feel part of their actual team at work.

No, I asked why they want to be part of the clique when the socialise outside of the work they're doing....

The OP is part of the team as their work contributes towards the teams KPIs. They don't have to talk to anyone or socialise with them to be part of a team where you get paid to complete tasks.

manbitesdog

dvdman1 wrote: »

Checking to see if you qualify as a victim is idiocy

The behavior the OP sounds very like bullying by social exclusion. The OP is the one experiencing it so they need to judge for themselves.

manbitesdog

Tomw86 wrote: »

No, I asked why they want to be part of the clique when the socialise outside of the work they're doing....

The OP is part of the team as their work contributes towards the teams KPIs. They don't have to talk to anyone or socialise with them to be part of a team where you get paid to complete tasks.

Isolating one member of a team in the way described could very well constitute bullying. It is not conducive to a positive and productive workplace.

the whole year inn

Strumms wrote: »

It’s poor behavior.. I’ve always and indeed others in my last job made definite efforts to help new additions to the department settle in. Both in terms of them into their work roles and indeed as regards the more social aspects of working in a team..

In other scenarios I’ve been in and when I’ve been ‘that new guy’ I was left to fend for myself too.... lunch on my own, others were asked if they wanted anything in the shop but not me, if I needed to ask a question as a newbie...”come on, you are just back from your training you need to know that”.

I worked out the best way to fight fire with fire was to act like them... I had asked one guy for help but he refused saying “I’m not here to babysit you”. A few weeks later the same fella had asked if I’d take some of his reports as he was behind...my reply was... “I’m not running a baby sitting service”...

Then later...”hey Strumms you going to the shop ?” My reply..”yes I am” and off I went.

Eventually apologies were forthcoming and the air was cleared after all be it a flimsy excuse that they’d been on the receiving end of some rather ‘average’ additions to the team but I didn’t see that as an excuse.

Whatever you do, fight fire with fire and don’t be an easy touch, fight your corner discreetly.

Sounds like you work in a horrible place, I have asked for help numerous times and I also have offered help , its give and take. If some one was that rude to me then I wouldn't talk with them unless have to . I dont have to be friends with them but I dont need to their best friend either.

If I was the OP I wouldnt report them , Id just keep going the way you are your bound to interact with people during the day and in time youll have your own work friends.

Sport a great way to talk with people has everyone has there own opinion , I think this clearly easier as men.

Tomw86

manbitesdog wrote: »

Yeah, like I thought, this thread will just be full of dopey posts like this. Look elsewhere OP.

Hang on a second, that's completely uncalled for and you need a serious attitude adjustment.

The OP has been brought in to a company to work as part of a team completing a task/tasks - Is this correct?
The OP is intergrated in to this team and there is no indication their work is suffering due to not being spoken to - Is this correct?
They are paid to complete these tasks - Is this correct?
Socialising/talking in the office is a bonus when the tasks are complete - Is this correct?
Lunch breaks or breaks for breakfast are a perk of the job, there is no obligation to speak to people at it, it is an individual choice - Is this correct?

I admit the behaviour of these individuals is not nice, and as a team leader myself I would not be happy with it on my team, but that is why I made the suggestions I did.

What do you work as Manbitesdog?

Tomw86

manbitesdog wrote: »

Isolating one member of a team in the way described could very well constitute bullying. It is not conducive to a positive and productive workplace.

I see you changed/deleted the post I quoted above...wow, you sound like you'd fit right in in that clique.

Tomw86

the whole year inn wrote: »

If some one was that rude to me then I wouldn't talk with them unless have to . I dont have to be friends with them but I dont need to their best friend either.

If I was the OP I wouldnt report them , Id just keep going the way you are your bound to interact with people during the day and in time youll have your own work friends.

Completely agree - put better than I attempted too!!

manbitesdog

Tomw86 wrote: »

I see you changed/deleted the post I quoted above...wow, you sound like you'd fit right in in that clique.

Because on second thought I was being too abrasive, which was before I knew anyone had quoted it.

Enter name here

Tomw86 wrote: »

What do you work as Manbitesdog?

Manbitesdog is attempting to figure out why he/she is still unemployed

Enter name here

pauliebdub wrote: »

I've a horrible problem with a new team I've joined over a month ago when I started my new job. I work in a team of 8 within a much larger organisation and for a completely unknown reason they are refusing to engage with me at all apart from showing me the ropes.

A few examples: they laugh and joke amongst themselves and ignore any contribution I make to the conversation. They head out to lunch by themselves leaving me alone at my desk. The one time I joined them in the canteen for breakfast they stopped talking when I sat down and went silent until I finished eating and left.

How do I deal with this. I'd love this job to work out so not interested in quitting but It's very frustrating. I'm also reluctant to report them.

Thanks.

You were hired to perform a job. If you want to make friends and become a social centrepiece join your local GAA. There is nothing to report.

dvdman1

manbitesdog wrote: »

The behavior the OP sounds very like bullying by social exclusion. The OP is the one experiencing it so they need to judge for themselves.

Ive seen similar situations... the OP said the work collegues are refusing to engage and dont invite them to lunch. Its not very nice. But that doesnt constitute bullying.
If anything its a case of chather unknowns, people cant instantly trust sombody new, the op needs to give time, the colleagues are cooperating with work tasks.

making yourself a victim for such minor stuff as you suggested wont help anything.

Ash.J.Williams

manbitesdog wrote: »

Deliberately excluding a colleague in this way is bullying.

is it?

I have found you need to do your own thing and earn your way into a group, identify the weakest member and go for his/her jugular then take their place

Tomw86

manbitesdog wrote: »

Because on second thought I was being too abrasive, which was before I knew anyone had quoted it.

I'll accept your apology.