Online Dating when in a relationship

Porklife

Thankfully at the moment I'm not on any online dating apps but in these dispensable times of ours, it wouldn't surprise me if I am again someday. I really do not like that but that said, there are alot of good on people on them and it's another means of connecting and forging relationships. If nothing else, dates often make for a good story!

Earlier on a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a guy we know who's in a long term relationship on one of these sites. I have often come across profiles of people who I know are not single and I'm wondering how do these people get away with it? Ireland is so small. Surely the guys girlfriends friends or co-workers or family or whatever would see your profile and tell your partner. I've heard of suspicious partners creating accounts solely to see if their other half is on there.

Also, why would you be on there if you were in a relationship? Surely nobody actually likes being on these sites? I know they're socially acceptable now but I still cringe at the idea of it. I doubt every taken person on these sites is in an unhappy relationship and if they are they should just end it!

What do you lot think? Also, would you tell your friend if you saw their partner on the world of swiping?!

corner of hells

A short while ago, I saw the profile of two female friends of mine and my wife on a dating site , I showed them to my wife and do you what she said ?

"Why the fcuk are you on a dating site ? "

Earthhorse

The only way they can get away with is because precisely what you say isn’t happening. Either their friends and coworkers never spot them on such sites or they do and don’t say anything. There may be many reasons for that but that must be what’s happening.

CPTM

Ireland's dating world is so small you'd probably end up matching with the wife or one of her friends.

Bigbagofcans

I think a lot of people would rather not be the bearer of bad news when it comes to someone's partner cheating on them.

mariaalice

Vanity, immaturity, or lack of self-esteem seeking validation from it, or downright nasty no interest in their partners feeling no empathy, no sex in their relationship and they have got carried away with fantasies of complication-free sex, or genuinely think its harmless in other words a bit thick.

There is a million reasons.

Porklife

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

I think a lot of people would rather not be the bearer of bad news when it comes to someone's partner cheating on them.

But in the long run you're way better off knowing and as a friend I think it's your loyal duty to let your friend know they're being messed around.

mvl

- I totally dislike the idea of online dating (such apps are banned in my world) -


But if i were to remove "Online" from current thread title, I do think dating outside of a relationship can be OK when it's consensual (guess cheating is not in this category). It is a reality that some ppl are wired to be non-monogamous ...or no ?

RhubarbCrumble

A friend of mine had been chatting to a guy on a dating site earlier on this year for a few weeks and they had arranged to meet up for a drink. She showed me his photo and asked me what did I think?
I knew him, he went to the same gym as me. As did his long term girlfriend with whom he'd had a baby four weeks previously.

Bobblehats

Here’s my theory you have to actually like; really like the one you’re with? Otherwise all kinds of bad

Raconteuse

A friend of mine spotted a male friend of ours (in a relationship) on Tinder. She said it to him and his excuse was he was using it to try and arrange a threesome.

Badly Drunk Boy

Raconteuse wrote: »

A friend of mine spotted a male friend of ours (in a relationship) on Tinder. She said it to him and his excuse was he was using it to try and arrange a threesome.

So he went on Tinder instead of asking either of you? :eek:

bitofabind

FOMO probably. Lots of people in bad relationships out there but without the balls to walk away and face being single again.

That or horny, or a combination of both. Men do the dumbest things when they're in need of some action.

Raconteuse

Badly Drunk Boy wrote: »

So he went on Tinder instead of asking either of you? :eek:

Oh god no, it would be like doing it with a brother! :eek:

(Although we both went there - separately! - years before he became like a brotherly type).

Porklife

Ok Boomer wrote: »

So what's stopping you from ratting on the guy?

Who says I didn't?

Deebles McBeebles

Raconteuse wrote: »

A friend of mine spotted a male friend of ours (in a relationship) on Tinder. She said it to him and his excuse was he was using it to try and arrange a threesome.

Raconteuse wrote: »

Oh god no, it would be like doing it with a brother! :eek:

(Although we both went there - separately! - years before he became like a brotherly type).

This dude should be hosting an AMA. Now ye're talking - to a swordsman.

EmmetSpiceland

Porklife wrote: »

Who says I didn't?

Wouldn’t recommend it. Messenger usually gets “shot” in those situations.

I, personally, tend to stay out of other people’s business. Seen it go wrong too many times, saw one case where lifelong friends got “dumped” in favour of a guy who explained away why the girl now has herpes. People believe what they want to believe sometimes.

Knew a guy who was determined to tell a girl we knew about her fella’s cheating. I wasn’t going near it, I think he fancied the girl himself.

In the end all that happened was she got shattered and the guy just went on his way “riding” around without a care. Think he’s married now. The other guy never got with the girl either, not sure what she’s up to now.

Raconteuse

I would definitely tell a close friend if I was certain it was cheating. I couldn't act normally around them with that knowledge. Plus if they knew I knew yet said nothing and let them go on humiliating themselves, they would rightly be devastated.

It's not a conversation I would enjoy though.

wiggle16

I'd tell.

A close friend of mine found out his boyfriend was cheating on him because he went to the doctor thinking he had a UTI... and was told he had gonorrhea. So on top of finding out he was being cheated on, he had the added worry if waiting on tests to make sure he hadn't given him HIV or hepatitis either.

I flung his scummy little rat of a boyfriend up and down the road when I got a hold of him, to this day if he sees me in a pub he leaves immediately.

So I'd rather tell the person than let them go about in ignorance while their partner might well be putting them at risk of an STI.

Porklife

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'd tell.

A close friend of mine found out his boyfriend was cheating on him because he went to the doctor thinking he had a UTI... and was told he had gonorrhea. So on top of finding out he was being cheated on, he had the added worry if waiting on tests to make sure he hadn't given him HIV or hepatitis either.

I flung his scummy little rat of a boyfriend up and down the road when I got a hold of him, to this day if he sees me in a pub he leaves immediately.

So I'd rather tell the person than let them go about in ignorance while their partner might well be putting them at risk of an STI.

My thoughts exactly and if you get 'shot' as the messenger then they weren't a real true friend anyway if they don't trust what you're telling them Obviously I don't mean if you were to say.. oh btw I have a hunch your boyfriend is cheating on you.. I mean if you presented them with cold hard facts and they chose to go into denial and not listen or believe you then they can jog on and live a lie quite frankly.

Deebles McBeebles

Raconteuse wrote: »

I would definitely tell a close friend if I was certain it was cheating. I couldn't act normally around them with that knowledge. Plus if they knew I knew yet said nothing and let them go on humiliating themselves, they would rightly be devastated.

It's not a conversation I would enjoy though.

That would be my way of thinking too. If I think of myself in that situation, I would always want to know, the humiliation otherwise would kill me.

As Emmet said, there is a chance of messenger shooting but at least you know you've done the right thing.

IAMAMORON

OP, I would thread carefully if I were you. A really similar situation happened when a girl I knew spotted a really attractive boyfriend who was in a relationship with a friend of a friend. I had always thought the guy was boxing below his weight and was not surprised when I saw his profile. Myself and my girlfriend immediately joined the site when we heard he was on it. We only signed up so that my girlfriend could pm him for some dickpicks, she was infatuated with them. Sure enough the following day she was forwarding me pictures of his beautiful penis and we actually enlarged the photo and printed it full screen at a party one night and stapled it to the hosts wall. We played " guess the dick " it was great fun, most people thought it was mine, how embarrassing. It was quite long but it was impossible to know whose penis it was without knowing whose penis it was, do you know what I mean? Three girls who were at the party correctly guessed whose penis it was.

bitofabind

IAMAMORON wrote: »

OP, I would thread carefully if I were you. A really similar situation happened when a girl I knew spotted a really attractive boyfriend who was in a relationship with a friend of a friend. I had always thought the guy was boxing below his weight and was not surprised when I saw his profile. Myself and my girlfriend immediately joined the site when we heard he was on it. We only signed up so that my girlfriend could pm him for some dickpicks, she was infatuated with them. Sure enough the following day she was forwarding me pictures of his beautiful penis and we actually enlarged the photo and printed it full screen at a party one night and stapled it to the hosts wall. We played " guess the dick " it was great fun, most people thought it was mine, how embarrassing. It was quite long but it was impossible to know whose penis it was without knowing whose penis it was, do you know what I mean? Three girls who were at the party correctly guessed whose penis it was.

get some therapy maybe?

Porklife

Porklife wrote: »

But in the long run you're way better off knowing and as a friend I think it's your loyal duty to let your friend know they're being messed around.

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless. I've seen other people try telling their friends about a cheating partner, and I've rarely seen it turn out okay for the messenger. Most times, the anger the cheated person feels is directed at that messenger. I know mine was.

OneArt

Porklife wrote: »

Also, why would you be on there if you were in a relationship? Surely nobody actually likes being on these sites? I know they're socially acceptable now but I still cringe at the idea of it. I doubt every taken person on these sites is in an unhappy relationship and if they are they should just end it!

People in happy, consensually non-monogamous relationships spring to mind.


I don't know how common it is in Ireland, though. Considering how small the dating pool already is, there's probably like 5 polyamorous people or something.


Being a swinger in Ireland is probably cat too. Same 6 aul wans. You'd get bored very quickly.

mariaalice

Also they could be weirdo's doing it together, one partner is happy for their partner to be contacting people and they both composed the replies, judge and laugh together at the people their partner is contacting a form of superiority complex or bullying maybe?

They would want to have a fairly messed up relationship themselves in the first palce though.

Porklife

Deleted User wrote: »

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless. I've seen other people try telling their friends about a cheating partner, and I've rarely seen it turn out okay for the messenger. Most times, the anger the cheated person feels is directed at that messenger. I know mine was.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you eventually found out. Nothing worse than being made a fool of.

Well the guy in question is way better known to the girl who showed me the screenshot so if anyone is saying anything it will be her and not me but I'll be back up if needs be.

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

EmmetSpiceland

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

As Emmet said, there is a chance of messenger shooting but at least you know you've done the right thing.

For me, the right thing is minding your own business. I dont go to the cops if I see someone run a red light.

If it was someone close to me I’d tell them to break up with the other person. The hit it gives someone’s confidence and the lack of any real consequence to the cheater makes it not something I wouldn’t want to be a part of.

mariaalice

Porklife wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you eventually found out. Nothing worse than being made a fool of.

Well the guy in question is way better known to the girl who showed me the screenshot so if anyone is saying anything it will be her and not me but I'll be back up if needs be.

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

Often they unconsciously suspect or they might know but they do not want it confirmed. They might want to stay in the relationship for complex reasons such as having a family or they might feel sorry for their partner its not a simple matter.

lozenges

Do you know that the guy is actively talking to people on it? I deleted tinder once I was in a relationship but for all I know the profile itself is still active/available.
Don't do anything unless you have definite proof. Not just a suspicion.

Porklife

Porklife wrote: »

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

Because they don't want to know that their relationship is fake. It's becoming more difficult to find someone you connect with, and they don't want to lose that. Few people love being single after a year of it, unless they're particularly young and inexperienced.

I'm single most of my life and I'm in my 40s now. I've had four serious relationships. I've dated extensively but TBH dating becomes rather shallow and superficial after a while. So, it's reasonable that people just don't want to know if their partner is cheating. Some people aren't quite so possessive. I am, which is why I remained single so much. It's becoming more difficult to trust people, when I see how many of my friends cheat (both male and female) in relationships or marriage.

wiggle16

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule.

If it's something you know but cannot prove, then it does depend how well you know them. If you don't know them all that well, in many cases there is usually someone better placed to tell them and you're better off leaving it.

But if you've proof, like a screenshot of their dating profile, then yes it's right to tell them IMO.

If you knew someone was stealing from someone or defrauding them, you would tell them. This is no different really. At the end of the day they're being done wrong and deserve to know.

The two considerations that would make me think twice would be whether or not I'd want to get involved at all, and whether or not they have kids. If theres kids involved I would need to know the person well before I would tell them.

Earthhorse

Porklife wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you eventually found out. Nothing worse than being made a fool of.

Well the guy in question is way better known to the girl who showed me the screenshot so if anyone is saying anything it will be her and not me but I'll be back up if needs be.

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

Well, look at your own situation. You found out about this guy but you don’t want to tell. That’s totally understandable but it’s also how they get away with it.

I’ve known of people cheating over the years but never told because I didn’t have any definitive proof or a strong enough connection to the person concerned. And that’s precisely what cheaters take advantage of.

DelBoy Trotter

Say nothing in my opinion. How do you know somebody on Tinder is cheating? They could be in an open relationship. They could be swingers. They could be looking for somebody for a threesome. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors in somebodies house, so I would keep my nose out of it if I was in that position

mvl

OneArt wrote: »

People in happy, consensually non-monogamous relationships spring to mind.
I don't know how common it is in Ireland, though. Considering how small the dating pool already is, there's probably like 5 polyamorous people or something.

hahaha
there must be more, especially among digital natives ...

Porklife

Earthhorse wrote: »

Well, look at your own situation. You found out about this guy but you don’t want to tell. That’s totally understandable but it’s also how they get away with it.

I’ve known of people cheating over the years but never told because I didn’t have any definitive proof or a strong enough connection to the person concerned. And that’s precisely what cheaters take advantage of.

It's not that I don't want to tell, it's that my friend who showed me the screenshot knows the couple way better than I do so she said she's going to tell.
Actually I think she's going to send him the screenshot and let him know that we know!

If it was a closer friend of mine the despite it being a tough conversation, I would tell.

Potatoeman

When I did the online thing I was surprised how many girls admitted dating/hooking up with married guys. I went on a date with a girl that had a affair with her married 15 year older boss that she still worked for and was friends with his wife(she didn’t know). I figured she was bad news. When asked about bad dates I brought this up and quite a few girls said they had hooked up with married guys too, knowing they were married. It’s a big red flag for me.

wiggle16

DelBoy Trotter wrote: »

Say nothing in my opinion. How do you know somebody on Tinder is cheating? They could be in an open relationship. They could be swingers. They could be looking for somebody for a threesome. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors in somebodies house, so I would keep my nose out of it if I was in that position

If they have an open relationship or are swingers, then his wife/gf can't really be annoyed if someone approaches them to say they saw their partner on a dating site. They will know it was well intentioned, and they'll be able to tell their husband to be more discreet,if it bothers them.

You don't know they're not cheating. Open relationships are *relatively* common now but not nearly as common as unfaithful ones.

Woke Hogan

My wife and I have been friends with this other couple for the past few decades. Well our wives are friends, I think your man is an idiot but he still thinks we're great mates.

Anyway I was out for a run about five years ago and spotted his wife holding hands with another man walking down the street. I thought about telling my pal but I decided not to, I had no doubt she would find this fancy man far more stimulating in every department than her husband. He really is a complete dullard.

Earthhorse

Potatoeman wrote: »

When I did the online thing I was surprised how many girls admitted dating/hooking up with married guys. I went on a date with a girl that had a affair with her married 15 year older boss that she still worked for and was friends with his wife(she didn’t know). I figured she was bad news. When asked about bad dates I brought this up and quite a few girls said they had hooked up with married guys too, knowing they were married. It’s a big red flag for me.

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

Porklife

Woke Hogan wrote: »

My wife and I have been friends with this other couple for the past few decades. Well our wives are friends, I think your man is an idiot but he still thinks we're great mates.

Anyway I was out for a run about five years ago and spotted his wife holding hands with another man walking down the street. I thought about telling my pal but I decided not to, I had no doubt she would find this fancy man far more stimulating in every department than her husband. He really is a complete dullard.

You didn't like that guy or respect him seemingly but would you have told if it was your best friend?

Woke Hogan

Porklife wrote: »

You didn't like that guy or respect him seemingly but would you have told if it was your best friend?

Apart from my wife he would be my closest friend.

Potatoeman

Earthhorse wrote: »

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

I know girls in the office that did it too and it’s the other women that really look down on them, the guys seem to put them in the hookup bracket but don’t date. Some women in the office are openly hostile to them.

Porklife

Woke Hogan wrote: »

Apart from my wife he would be my closest friend.

You think your closest friend is a dullard? That's not great really!

wiggle16

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless. I've seen other people try telling their friends about a cheating partner, and I've rarely seen it turn out okay for the messenger. Most times, the anger the cheated person feels is directed at that messenger. I know mine was.

Can I ask, what did you think of the people who knew but did not tell you? If any. Were you angry? Was there anyone you fell out with afterwards because they knew and didn't say?

And did you make up with the people who did tell you?

I get what you mean and if I were to tell someone I would accept that it could backfire and the friendship could end, I think its something you have to be real about. I'm a good liar but I couldn't look a good friend in the face and act normally.

I'd tell, even if it meant losing that friend (obviously I'd hope not). I was cheated on and I can say with absolute certainty that the kindest thing would have been to know. The longer it goes on the more your trust in people is eroded, which can affect your chances of happiness for the rest of your life. I wouldn't even be able to look a friend in the face knowing that, and not tell them.

No idea how someone can go with someone they know is married. I would guess they'd be the same people who wind up in unstable marriages themselves, having so little regard for it. And I wouldn't want to be the person to do that to another woman.

mvl

Potatoeman wrote: »

I know girls in the office that did it too and it’s the other women that really look down on them, the guys seem to put them in the hookup bracket but don’t date. Some women in the office are openly hostile to them.

Sounds like virtue signalling ...

I'd say in general what happens in the private life of ppl from work is nobody else's business; exception when the "happening" is during work hours/business events, scenarios where HR may need to be aware of.

Porklife

Candie wrote: »

I'd tell, even if it meant losing that friend (obviously I'd hope not). I was cheated on and I can say with absolute certainty that the kindest thing would have been to know. The longer it goes on the more your trust in people is eroded, which can affect your chances of happiness for the rest of your life. I wouldn't even be able to look a friend in the face knowing that, and not tell them.

No idea how someone can go with someone they know is married. I would guess they'd be the same people who wind up in unstable marriages themselves, having so little regard for it. And I wouldn't want to be the person to do that to another woman.

Couldn't agree more Candie. I was cheated on for almost a year (out of an 8 year relationship) and all of my friends knew about it. Not one of them told me. Ouch.
The pain of betrayal from my friends was almost worse than the actual cheating.
I never forgave any of them

GreeBo

Im married with children and have a profile on a dating site.

I havent logged into it in about 6 years (since I started this relationship) and dont even know how anymore...never bothered to cancel/delete it.

I'm sure someone I know has come across it and wondered but my wife trusts me and I trust her so...meah.

Earthhorse

Earthhorse wrote: »

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

i can't get over that idea
like what
how could you do that

Dial Hard

Earthhorse wrote: »

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

I'd reserve the lion's share of my judgement for the married person in the equation, tbh.