Maintenance and college

Timestamped

Hi guys,
I am looking for your advice. I have a son who is 20 years of age from a previous relationship. I have paid maintenance to his mother since we split over 17 years ago. I have not seen him in over a year and our relationship is very strained (long story).
Anyway I have a feeling that he may not be attending college at all.
How can I find out if he is attending?
I contacted the college but they won't tell me due to GDPR.
Should I make contact with his mother and ask for proof of attendance?
Anybody have a similar experience?

ZiabR

I am under the impression that you only need to keep up maintenance payments for a child until the age of 18. Now I know he is your son, but he is 20 years old, old enough to work etc. If you have doubts as to where the money you are paying is going, I don't see any reason why you could not stop paying this.

Have you tried to speak with your son?

SusieBlue

ZiabR wrote: »

I am under the impression that you only need to keep up maintenance payments for a child until the age of 18. Now I know he is your son, but he is 20 years old, old enough to work etc. If you have doubts as to where the money you are paying is going, I don't see any reason why you could not stop paying this.

Have you tried to speak with your son?

OP is legally obliged to pay maintenence for his son up to the age of 23 if he is in full time education.

I would insist on proof, OP. Say you need it for revenue/your accountant or something, so as not to cause tension or further sour relations.

A letter from the college confirming that he has been attending shouldn't be too hard for him to get his hands on - if he's actually going, that is.

zapper55

Echo Susie's post. I wouldnt mention your suspicions about him not going.

Timestamped

ZiabR wrote:

I am under the impression that you only need to keep up maintenance payments for a child until the age of 18. Now I know he is your son, but he is 20 years old, old enough to work etc. If you have doubts as to where the money you are paying is going, I don't see any reason why you could not stop paying this.

ZiabR wrote:

Have you tried to speak with your son?

I am legally obliged to pay maintenance until he is 23 if in fulltime education.
I have tried taking to him but unfortunately there are others talking too.

Timestamped

SusieBlue wrote:

I would insist on proof, OP. Say you need it for revenue/your accountant or something, so as not to cause tension or further sour relations.

SusieBlue wrote:

A letter from the college confirming that he has been attending shouldn't be too hard for him to get his hands on - if he's actually going, that is.

Thanks Susie. I want to be clear, I have no problem paying the maintenance if he is in college, in fact I would prefer to pay it direct to him as I doubt his mam is giving it to him.
I will contact my ex and say I need it for revenue.
Things are very, very strained unfortunately but I tried my best....

Timestamped

zapper55 wrote:

Echo Susie's post. I wouldnt mention your suspicions about him not going.

Thanks Zapper

wiggle16

Agree with all the above.

Tell her you are going to claim for tax relief on the tuition fees for the last couple of years and Revenue are looking for receipts of payment.

If the fees were covered by a grant or SUSI, tell her they want to see the grant documents as you'll need to withdraw your claim.

Timestamped

wiggle16 wrote:

Tell her you are going to claim for tax relief on the tuition fees for the last couple of years and Revenue are looking for receipts of payment.

wiggle16 wrote:

If the fees were covered by a grant or SUSI, tell her they want to see the grant documents as you'll need to withdraw your claim.

Cheers wiggle16. Haven't talked to ex in over 3 years at this stage. Can only contact through messenger.

wiggle16

How many years has your son been in college? Would this be his final academic year?

Timestamped

To be honest, she won't care if I'm claiming tax back and will probably go out of her way to not make that happen....

Timestamped

wiggle16 wrote:

How many years has your son been in college? Would this be his final academic year?

3rd year this year, it's unreal that I can say is I don't know but he ever went

wiggle16

Is third year his final year? (Theres a reason im asking)

Timestamped wrote: »

To be honest, she won't care if I'm claiming tax back and will probably go out of her way to not make that happen....

I know this is hypothetical, but to be honest you can't actually make the claim anyway. Tax relief on tuition fees paid needs to be specifically for tuition fees, it can't be made in respect of maintenance paid even if it was in fact used to pay tuition, because there is no tax relief due at all for maintenance paid to an ex partner for the benefit of a child, regardless of what it was used for. You just need to be sure that SHE doesn't know that.

Timestamped

Have no idea if it's his final year? Does it change things if it is?
Oh I know I can't claim the relief.

LuciX

Timestamped wrote: »

3rd year this year, it's unreal that I can say is I don't know but he ever went

That's so bizarre what some so called mothers can get away with...

Stop paying OP, stop paying and she will be in touch in no time.
Once in court you will have to explain why you stopped the payments and the onus is on her to prove the son is attending college/university whatever (by the look of things he isn't) and then, if your suspicious is correct you are entitled to claim back any over payment.

Timestamped

LuciX wrote:

Stop paying OP, stop paying and she will be in touch pretty soon. Once in court you will have to explain why you stopped the payments and she will have to prove the son has been in college (by the look of things he isn't) and then, if your suspicious is correct you are entitled to claim your over payment back.

I paid maintenance since I left but stopped once because she wouldn't let me see him. She brought me to court and the judge ruled that I had to pay maintenance anyway, so court order for maintenance. When my solicitor went over to her to get her bank details, she wanted to know when she would get the arrears, solicitor told her the judge did not award arrears. She was not impressed. Thing is I saved all the maintenance i didn't pay and that allowed me to pay deposit for accommodation for college.

LuciX

Timestamped wrote: »

I paid maintenance since I left but stopped once because she wouldn't let me see him. She brought me to court and the judge ruled that I had to pay maintenance anyway, so court order for maintenance. When my solicitor went over to her to get her bank details, she wanted to know when she would get the arrears, solicitor told her the judge did not award arrears. She was not impressed. Thing is I saved all the maintenance i didn't pay and that allowed me to pay deposit for accommodation for college.

Well done! You are a great father.
Hopefully he will soon realise that (not for financial gain) and reconnect with you.

Unfortunately maintenance and visitation are separate matters.
I do think if you are being prevented from seeing the child you shouldn't pay a dime but that's not how the law goes...

As you know he is only entitled to maintenance over the age of 18 IF he is in full time education. You have valid reasons not to pay. Don't let her get away with it.

I don't know (you don't need to explain yourself) why it took you so long to have the light switched on but better late than never.

Timestamped

LuciX wrote:

I don't know (you don't need to explain yourself) why it took you so long to have the light switched on but better late than never.

I guess I was sort of hoping that he was genuine (maybe more like me) but am married now with 3 more to put through college so every penny counts.

CageWager

Stop paying. Then when she comes looking for the cash you can tell her to produce proof from the college if she wants the tap turned back on.

wiggle16

Timestamped wrote: »

Have no idea if it's his final year? Does it change things if it is?
Oh I know I can't claim the relief.

Just to be clear - I know you aren't actually trying to claim it, it's just to be aware that if you do say it's for tax reasons she may catch you out on that if she is savvy enough.

It doesn't change things, BUT:

If he is in college, then in the year he graduates the college will be publishing graduation booklets beforehand. These list every student who is due to graduate that year, whether or not they will be attending. A college graduation is deemed to be a public event and the conferral is a public acknowledgement. So you could request one from the college on the pretext that you wish to attend. If he says he is in college and will be graduating in a certain year, this would verify whether or not it's true.

ETA: I do think this should be last resort and you should start off with SuzieBlue's advice in the first instance.

Timestamped

wiggle16 wrote:

If he is in college, then in the year he graduates the college will be publishing graduation booklets beforehand. These list every student who is due to graduate that year, whether or not they will be attending. A college graduation is deemed to be a public event and the conferral is a public acknowledgement. So you could request one from the college on the pretext that you wish to attend. If he says he is in college and will be graduating in a certain year, this would verify whether or not it's true.

Awww I see, good thinking. Gonna message tomorrow and say I need proof.

wiggle16

Can I ask, and this is probably nosiness on my part more than anything else, but what got you thinking he isn't attending college? You don't have to answer, obvs.

Timestamped

wiggle16 wrote:

Can I ask, and this is probably nosiness on my part more than anything else, but what got you thinking he isn't attending college? You don't have to answer, obvs.

Something just seems off about it, was messaging on messenger with him and asked a few questions about college, answers didn't seem right.

wiggle16

I get you.

Just thinking about it there, ask for proof softly-softly. The claiming tax part might get your ex's back up if she thinks you're going to be "profiting" from him in some way.

You could say that you are applying for a loan, and the bank is looking for proof of your projected expenses for the next few years, so you need something to say how long he's going to be in college for, from the college. It's a reasonable story and hard to argue with, and doesn't "involve" him or your ex.

topmanamillion

Do you have access to his social media accounts?
If he's a 20 year old going to college it'll be packed with posts giving out about assignments and photos from college nights out.
He'll be tagged in posts and photos by other people on his course. I'm assuming you've been told what course he's doing.

That or hire a Private Investigator to do the work for you. Should be no more than a days work for a decent one.

Timestamped

topmanamillion wrote:

Do you have access to his social media accounts? If he's a 20 year old going to college it'll be packed with posts giving out about assignments and photos from college nights out. He'll be tagged in posts and photos by other people on his course. I'm assuming you've been told what course he's doing.

Blocked on Twitter and Facebook

topmanamillion

Timestamped wrote: »

Blocked on Twitter and Facebook

Is this a recent thing? Goes without saying what I'm getting at there.

If you're under a court ordered maintenance order you're entitled to get proof of his college enrolment. If simply asking his mother for your "loan" application doesn't work you should stop payment fairly lively.

I really do feel for you. You're story just highlights the sh1t on the shoe status Irish fathers have in cases like this.

Timestamped

topmanamillion wrote:

I really do feel for you. You're story just highlights the sh1t on the shoe status Irish fathers have in cases like this.

Yep, when I left in 2002 (good reason),I refused to give her money so she could go out on the town. I kept a diary and bought groceries etc and dropped them to the house every week. She reported me to the social welfare thinking they would make me pay her but instead they came after me cause she was claiming lone parents and I had to pay maintenance to them after that. When she came off lone parents we came to an informal arrangement. All was ok ish until I met my wife, got married, built a house and had my first child with my wife. The ex went on to have 3 more kids with 2 other guys and seemingly I replaced my son with my other family.

ILoveYourVibes

wiggle16 wrote: »

Just to be clear - I know you aren't actually trying to claim it, it's just to be aware that if you do say it's for tax reasons she may catch you out on that if she is savvy enough.

It doesn't change things, BUT:

If he is in college, then in the year he graduates the college will be publishing graduation booklets beforehand. These list every student who is due to graduate that year, whether or not they will be attending. A college graduation is deemed to be a public event and the conferral is a public acknowledgement. So you could request one from the college on the pretext that you wish to attend. If he says he is in college and will be graduating in a certain year, this would verify whether or not it's true.

ETA: I do think this should be last resort and you should start off with SuzieBlue's advice in the first instance.

Its not deemed a public event you can't just turn up. Not even my brother could get into my graduation as i could only have two people. I was very annoyed and i couldn't go to his as he could only have two people and obv we both wanted our parents there. I only got to go to his masters graduation that year there were more places. It really sucks!



There is no way you would in reality be able to achieve this. Attendance for most graduations is tight and require booking or a ticket its usually limited to two people per student.

They will know you actually can't attend if you request a booklet or that you haven't been invited by a student as they would have to book for you.

ILoveYourVibes

Does your son have social media? Can you check if he has the college on his fb ? does he have friends from the same college etc?

How much longer does he have of the course? Is this his last year? If he is going.

Just ask him ..himself maybe.

wiggle16

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its not deemed a public event you can't just turn up. Not even my brother could get into my graduation as i could only have two people. I was very annoyed and i couldn't go to his as he could only have two people and obv we both wanted our parents there. I only got to go to his masters graduation that year there were more places. It really sucks!
There is no way you would in reality be able to achieve this. Attendance for most graduations is tight and require booking or a ticket its usually limited to two people per student.
They will know you actually can't attend if you request a booklet or that you haven't been invited by a student as they would have to book for you.

That's not what I meant. I worked in third level institutions and I've worked at graduations, I know the two person rule is very strict in most places because of space constraints - I had massive rows with students who invited their whole street and mummy and daddy were not happy to be taking orders from "the likes of" me when I told them that granny was not getting in - one girl wrecked her makeup because she got so worked up screaming at me.
(I hope we never crossed swords IRL, I can be a little antichrist when I need to be :P)

What I meant is that the booklet is not covered by data protection rules in the same way as other information is, because the graduation is deemed a public event. That's not the same as the general public having access to the venue - it means the names of the graduands are public knowledge because the conferral is a public acknowledgement of their achievement. Now, that doesn't mean you'll be able to get your hands on a graduation booklet, but there's nothing stopping you. The university doesn't have to give you one, but there's nothing preventing them from doing so either. I wasn't recommending turning up at the graduation and I wouldn't either.

qwerty13

Wiggle makes some great points. I’d follow trying find out if he’s graduating via the available ‘public info’

And I don’t particularly like saying this, but very few youngsters lock their social media profile down. I’d set up a shiny new profile (with none of your contact details), and view his social media.

Accepting Cookies

A parent isn't always legally obliged to pay maintenance automatically if the child is in full time education until the age of 23. I can understand if the judge involved has weighed the specific costs here in this OP's case, and has ordered maintenance, to help his child afford to attend college.

But what the law actually says, is that "if the child is over 18 and under 23 and the financial circumstances do not allow him/her to attend further education, maintenance can be applied for in order to facilitate further education." I asked the person I know who went through this what the language of his solicitor was, and it was along the lines of if the child has no means of continuing with a full time education, maintenance can be applied for so the child can continue with education.

In the case of this person I know, the 17 year old child received a full payment/grant from SUSI for PLC. Post completion of PLC course, maintenance was stopped. Father paid maintenance during that year as child was still 17 for most of it, but stopped after course was done and because child already turned 18, and was in employment. Child's mother threatened court for on-going maintenance to still be paid with the reason of paying until 23 if still in education, although no further university acceptance information nor information of costs were given to him. Legal advise was sought and he was advised that he was not obliged to pay maintenance as 1. no college/university information was given as to real and actual costs 2. Assumption that once again full grant from SUSI would be awarded if they were to attend and as also living the required km away to receive full award 3. Adult child is now in full employment and expected to contribute.

And then what do you know, the adult child did not in the end attend college or university this year, and continues to work in employment. Luckily the father is in contact with child and this was admitted to him or else he wouldn't have known the truth. The father was still accused of "leaving his child high and dry" by his mother.

ManOfMystery

I'm not sure if it applies to every college/uni, but in my uni days we were all given uni supplied email addresses and these were then deactivated when we left. They're usually easy enough to work out, e.g. firstname.surname@ucc.ie as one example. If someone was to send a random test mail to a uni account from Gmail or the like and they get an undeliverable saying that address isn't active, it could be a sign the person is no longer at the college. Long shot though, unless you know the address convention they use.

rainbowtrout

You said you were blocked on Twitter and Facebook. You might be but others won't be. If your new wife has an account or a trusted friend or relation, maybe you could get them to have a look at his social media. He may also have other social media you haven't looked at yet, instagram etc.

Also unless he has locked down all his profiles to the last, even logging out of your account and looking him up will probably let you see his basic profile.

Even his name and a few well chosen words in a google search can yield quite a bit of information.

antix80

wiggle16 wrote: »

Agree with all the above.

Tell her you are going to claim for tax relief on the tuition fees for the last couple of years and Revenue are looking for receipts of payment.

If the fees were covered by a grant or SUSI, tell her they want to see the grant documents as you'll need to withdraw your claim.

Excellent advice.

But if the son only stopped going to classes it's in his best interests to stay enrolled for the rest of the year- it may even make financial sense for him to repeat a year.

2pacshakur

I wouldn't pay a dime more unless proof your son is attending college.

I'd be getting legal advice.

qwerty13

Accepting Cookies wrote: »

A parent isn't always legally obliged to pay maintenance automatically if the child is in full time education until the age of 23. I can understand if the judge involved has weighed the specific costs here in this OP's case, and has ordered maintenance, to help his child afford to attend college.

But what the law actually says, is that "if the child is over 18 and under 23 and the financial circumstances do not allow him/her to attend further education, maintenance can be applied for in order to facilitate further education." I asked the person I know who went through this what the language of his solicitor was, and it was along the lines of if the child has no means of continuing with a full time education, maintenance can be applied for so the child can continue with education.

In the case of this person I know, the 17 year old child received a full payment/grant from SUSI for PLC. Post completion of PLC course, maintenance was stopped. Father paid maintenance during that year as child was still 17 for most of it, but stopped after course was done and because child already turned 18, and was in employment. Child's mother threatened court for on-going maintenance to still be paid with the reason of paying until 23 if still in education, although no further university acceptance information nor information of costs were given to him. Legal advise was sought and he was advised that he was not obliged to pay maintenance as 1. no college/university information was given as to real and actual costs 2. Assumption that once again full grant from SUSI would be awarded if they were to attend and as also living the required km away to receive full award 3. Adult child is now in full employment and expected to contribute.

And then what do you know, the adult child did not in the end attend college or university this year, and continues to work in employment. Luckily the father is in contact with child and this was admitted to him or else he wouldn't have known the truth. The father was still accused of "leaving his child high and dry" by his mother.

My god, that is awful. I truly hope you’re not up against this kind of behaviour OP. I don’t feel so bad now about saying to try looking up your child’s online profile.

I think the post I quoted does point very much to the merits of legal advice on this though.

Accepting Cookies

Full disclosure qwerty13, we are. My husband has dealt with parental alienation and abuse the entire life of his child. Earlier on in Primary school the mother refused to give him book lists and one year he got one off another parent in the school. Turns out the mother had been giving him receipts to pay for books of her other children too.

To add: my advice to the OP and anyone in this situation is to get legal advice. I don't see how one could be faulted when there's no information given as to the real and actual costs. Which is always what maintenance should be based on in the first place!

qwerty13

Accepting Cookies wrote: »

Full disclosure qwerty13, we are. My husband has dealt with parental alienation and abuse the entire life of his child. Earlier on in Primary school the mother refused to give him book lists and one year he got one off another parent in the school. Turns out the mother had been giving him receipts to pay for books of her other children too.

To add: my advice to the OP and anyone in this situation is to get legal advice. I don't see how one could be faulted when there's no information given as to the real and actual costs. Which is always what maintenance should be based on in the first place!

My god. That is horrible. Who knows what causes people to split up, but to use a child like that is just reprehensible in my book. The partner (male or female) could have sh*gged rings round them, and that behaviour would still be disgusting, using a child in that manner.

Edit to add: not saying that’s your situation Cookies! I just reacted v strongly cos I think it’s just nasty nasty behaviour on the part of the child’s mother

Timestamped

rainbowtrout wrote:

You said you were blocked on Twitter and Facebook. You might be but others won't be. If your new wife has an account or a trusted friend or relation, maybe you could get them to have a look at his social media. He may also have other social media you haven't looked at yet, instagram etc.

Hi rainbowtrout,

I got someone to look at his social media, it looks like he is not a big user of it tbh. He maybe using Snapchat which I won't be able to see or get any anyonelse to see.

Timestamped

qwerty13 wrote:

My god. That is horrible. Who knows what causes people to split up, but to use a child like that is just reprehensible in my book. The partner (male or female) could have sh*gged rings round them, and that behaviour would still be disgusting, using a child in that manner.

I could tell a lot of stories here about my own experience, I have a few friends who have kids with exes, got on well with each other and raised the child in an amicable way. My situation is one of many estranged parents who are deal g with this sort of stuff. My son has been fed lies his entire life about me and nothing will fix that.

Timestamped

I remember one time he came to me for the weekend, must be 12 years ago now and I bought him a pair of timberland boots, think they cost over 100 euro, anyway dropped him home. Next weekend when I collected him, no boots. I asked him where they were and he said his mam didn't like them s9 she chucked them in the bin. I questioned her about it and she they were rotten and she didn't like them. This is the ****e you a dealing with on a regular basis.

Accepting Cookies

Thanks for the words of support, qwerty13. It's absolutely reprehensible is right, and unfortunately that is only the tip of the iceberg. My husband (and our family) went through regular monthly denied access, abuse at pickup/drop off times, extortion for money to see child at Christmas time, denied access on birthdays, denied involvement with schooling and anything medical, using their child to deny time and pass on sarcastic messages, saying in front of the child my husband is a disgrace of a father, not her real father, and that she was giving guardianship to her own husband (the stepfather), making it clear to the child that I was not welcome in child's life in numerous ways, taking child to paternal granny and aunts for visits was cast in the light of "bouncing the child around," regular threats of court and moving abroad just to "make it awkward then" to be in child's life, ruined plans and booked holidays... one time we arrived to collect child to go on our family holiday and the mother and her household were gone. Disappeared 2 weeks without a word to anyone. Pulled out of school. Turns out they went to Trobolgan on their own family holiday.

Still just the tip of it.. I have a feeling Timestamped knows this pattern all too well. Even though we are in contact with his adult child, the damage has been done and he's faced months and years of denied contact. Siblings have to bear the brunt of this as well, it is so, so wrong. My heart goes out to you, Timestamped.

Timestamped

Accepting Cookies wrote:

Still just the tip of it.. I have a feeling Timestamped knows this pattern all too well. Even though we are in contact with his adult child, the damage has been done and he's faced months and years of denied contact. Siblings have to bear the brunt of this as well, it is so, so wrong. My heart goes out to you, Timestamped.

All of the above, absolutely horrendous behaviour but made out to be all mine(and you husband). It will never change, the law is biased, no guardianship either, ex would not sign form.
Anyhow, message is sent so I await the abuse......

Accepting Cookies

Well if you receive abuse instead of maturely passing you the information you're entitled to so that you may support your son, then you have all you need should she take it further.

Have you any way of getting a message through to your son? I would reach out via any method you're not blocked on letting him know you're there for him and that you want to support him but need some information so you can do your best.

My husband's last email to his child's mother was to let her know he's not speaking to her again. Their child is now an adult and capable of handling her own life and he'll only be communicating with his child going forward. Now that his child is an adult, he never has to accept her abuse ever again and neither do you. After this episode, Timestamped, I would block her by all means possible and keep trying to reach out to your son and focus on him and going directly however you can. Even posting messages of love for him on your FB publicly so that he sees. I would bet every now and again he searches for you. It's so, so tough, and I just hate it. The emotional effects on children are so damaging, laws need to change. I know a bit of what you are going through as I had to watch this happen to my lovely husband who's only an amazing man and father. Hang in there.

AulWan

Timestamped wrote: »

I remember one time he came to me for the weekend, must be 12 years ago now and I bought him a pair of timberland boots, think they cost over 100 euro, anyway dropped him home. Next weekend when I collected him, no boots. I asked him where they were and he said his mam didn't like them s9 she chucked them in the bin. I questioned her about it and she they were rotten and she didn't like them. This is the ****e you a dealing with on a regular basis.

You begrudged paying maintenance to the mother but had no problem shelling out €100+ for a pair of boots?

I just lost any sympathy I had for you, and up to this point, I did have some. But that comment pulled me up short.

After that comment, I'd love to hear her side of this particular tale of "the bitter ex".

Sardonicat

AulWan wrote: »

You begrudged paying maintenance to the mother but had no problem shelling out €100+ for a pair of boots?

I just lost any sympathy I had for you, and up to this point, I did have some.

After that comment, I'd love to hear her side of this particular tale of "the bitter ex".

Really? He spent €100 on his child. The woman then took the boots and chucked them out because she didn't like them (spite, more like )

If this woman is demanding maintenance on the basis the child is still in education when he's not, then that's fraud. Op has already stated he'd be happy to give financial support directly to his son.

wiggle16

AulWan wrote: »

You begrudged paying maintenance to the mother but had no problem shelling out €100+ for a pair of boots?
I just lost any sympathy I had for you, and up to this point, I did have some.
After that comment, I'd love to hear her side of this particular tale of "the bitter ex".

That's pretty unfair. His son is in his 20s, and you're judging his entire contribution as a parent based on one pair of boots he bought for his son when he was 11 or 12.
He never said he begrudged maintenance or couldn't afford it. He said that when they separated he did not pay it for a while as he believed it wasn't being spent on his son, and now apparently thinks the same thing might be happening again.

Mod:

OP I'm going to close this thread this evening as I think you've got all the advice you're going to get. If you would like it reopened, you can let me know.

AulWan

Timestamped wrote: »

Yep, when I left in 2002 (good reason),I refused to give her money so she could go out on the town. I kept a diary and bought groceries etc and dropped them to the house every week. She reported me to the social welfare thinking they would make me pay her but instead they came after me cause she was claiming lone parents and I had to pay maintenance to them after that. When she came off lone parents we came to an informal arrangement. All was ok ish until I met my wife, got married, built a house and had my first child with my wife. The ex went on to have 3 more kids with 2 other guys and seemingly I replaced my son with my other family.

Buying groceries, rather then giving her cash "to go out on the town" is all about CONTROL.

She did right reporting you to social welfare. But before you start patting yourself on the back, you do realise that social welfare do not transmit any maintenance money paid directly to them to the custodial parent for the support of the child? Not one single cent of it.

They offset it against the cost of paying the allowance to the taxpayer. So in reality, your ex did receive any of that money and was in effect raising your child without any direct financial assistance from you, until she came off lone parents and you made your "informal arrangement".

There are three sides to stories like these, yours, hers and the truth usually lies in between.

Oh yeah. Some prince you are.

splinter65

AulWan wrote: »

You begrudged paying maintenance to the mother but had no problem shelling out €100+ for a pair of boots?

I just lost any sympathy I had for you, and up to this point, I did have some. But that comment pulled me up short.

After that comment, I'd love to hear her side of this particular tale of "the bitter ex".

I don’t think that you read and understood that post very well.