When you weren't there

Ande1975

I know I wrote here previously about celebrating my deceased father's birthday. Its been a year since we went through his treatment and I relive it every day. Trying to be positive for him and us. Looking back he was dying but none of us could admit it.

Something that has been haunting me is that I was not there when my Dad died. We knew it was coming but not sure the day and my family did rotations. I remember the day he died, it was sunny, (last summer) I decided to cook and get healthy as a promise to him. I was due at the hospice at 2 pm. My mother phoned and said he is sleeping, there is no rush. I put on a wash, said to myself I would hang it out on the line and drive over then.
My oldest brother (50s) had figured out the password to my sonos and started playing Coldplay.
I am standing there, hanging up a towel, when I hear 'oh sh*t, he's gone'... Mum phoned him to let us know Dad had passed away. I was stunned and my brother and I jumped into my car and drove to the hospice. Dad was gone and I never got to say good bye. My mum was there with him but ugh....


I had moved home to be with them and I let my Dad down. I let him down so many ways. The guilt is too much...

Has anyone else felt like this?

John Mason

I was there when my mam passed but she started to go loopy on the Monday and was sedated on the Thursday.

I never got to say the things i needed to say before it was too late. Which is so ridiculous as she was in hospital for 3 months before she died.

We knew but didnt know she was dying, there was always hope and her doctorkept saying everything was going well.

i am haunted by the things i never said

HildaOgdenx

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

I know situations where the person slipped quietly away, at the end, and I do believe, having known them, that this was how they would have wanted to go. Family had been there with them, and caring for them, throughout, just as you have described.

I know it doesn't help though, when you are left with things unsaid, or wishing that you had been there with them, at the end.
Maybe, in time, bereavement counselling might be helpful.

Take comfort from the way that you cared for them, in their illness.
Once again, I'm truly sorry, for both of your losses.

sirmixalot

Ande1975 wrote: »

I know I wrote here previously about celebrating my deceased father's birthday. Its been a year since we went through his treatment and I relive it every day. Trying to be positive for him and us. Looking back he was dying but none of us could admit it.

Something that has been haunting me is that I was not there when my Dad died. We knew it was coming but not sure the day and my family did rotations. I remember the day he died, it was sunny, (last summer) I decided to cook and get healthy as a promise to him. I was due at the hospice at 2 pm. My mother phoned and said he is sleeping, there is no rush. I put on a wash, said to myself I would hang it out on the line and drive over then.
My oldest brother (50s) had figured out the password to my sonos and started playing Coldplay.
I am standing there, hanging up a towel, when I hear 'oh sh*t, he's gone'... Mum phoned him to let us know Dad had passed away. I was stunned and my brother and I jumped into my car and drove to the hospice. Dad was gone and I never got to say good bye. My mum was there with him but ugh....


I had moved home to be with them and I let my Dad down. I let him down so many ways. The guilt is too much...

Has anyone else felt like this?

Was there for my Dad (2016) but not for my Mum (2017), My dad was in a hospice too, we had time to prepare for our Dad but Mum was sudden, no word of warning. She had packed her bag for holidays she and a friend were going on later that week, she had bought and signed a birthday card for me that she was due to send later that week. So many things she had lined up but never got to do... Insignificant small things got me the worse though, clearing out the freezer and all the foods she used to precook and freeze. The boxes of Teabags that she bought (at least 6 or 7) like there was going to be a drought or famine of Tea. Still makes me smile when I think about the bulk buying

Got to say goodbye to my Dad but not my Mum, think about it and her everyday, never gets easier but at least it never gets worse. She is gone and I say goodbye in my own ways most everyday!

Sometimes I hate this life and the **** that goes with it but then I look at my 2 year old boy and think what could be any better. Watching him watching a plane that goes by in the sky and looks at me in sheer wonder, little cheeky smile then back to playing with his toys, that's just brilliant.

But guilt, that's not what it is though, it was just timing. Parts you control, others you don't. So don't go hard on yourself, there's ZERO point.

Addle

It is a thing that the dying often wait to be alone before they pass away.
That happened me with a close relative.
Our family had a rota too.
I went to the loo, the en-suite, I couldn’t have been more than 2 minutes, and they just passed away when I was gone.

OP, your dad knows you love him, you moved home to look after him. He knows.
You’ve no reason to feel guilty.

I’ve had occasion to tell a loved one exactly how much I loved and appreciated them close to the end and, honestly, I don’t think any of us were the better for it. All emotional wrecks.

Some things are just known and don’t need to be said.

Purgative

Ande sorry for your loss.

I think there is always something to haunt us when someone we care about deeply dies.

For Christmas 2011, I bought my Dad a really good bottle of wine. He was delighted with it, but we drank it at his funeral.

Mum "This is the bottle you bought Dad for Christmas"
"Ahh F*ck he never drank it"
"He wanted to keep it till you were over to drink it together"

And that haunts me, even now.

w/s/p/c/

My father passed away in the hospice in 2007, none of us were there. It was a Tuesday morning and we left as late as possible on the Monday night with the intention of going straight back over after getting a night's sleep. We were all flat out exhausted when the phone call to the house woke everyone up (all us kids were still at home) with the advice to come over as quick as possible, by the time we arrived he was just gone. We knew that it was coming and had our time to say our goodbyes. For a while after I thought I should have been there. Killed me thinking of him being there without his family. But I know we did everything we could in the run up to it over the previous year to show him all the love and care we could.

My mother passed away suddenly 4 months ago. I never got a chance to say goodbye, I got a call at 1am on a Saturday night to get to the house as quickly as possible. But by the time I got there she was being taken out by the ambulance crew, it was too late. Hurts so much, especially now in the run up to Christmas, it is still like a bad dream that I am hoping to wake up from.

I have learned that pain and guilt are stages of grief and OP it will pass. I am going through it now myself and I know that all is needed is love and time, I learned that from when my Dad passed away so hopefully you will get there. All the best to you and your family at this sad time.

Ande1975

W/S/P/C - I am so so sorry and heartbroken reading that. Thank you for sharing that.

w/s/p/c/

Ande1975 wrote: »

W/S/P/C - I am so so sorry and heartbroken reading that. Thank you for sharing that.

You are very welcome, thank you. I am finding posting here and reading other people's stories here are helping me over the last few months. Hopefully it will help you too.

LegacyUser

Ande, I didn't make it there in time when my mother died. It has never haunted me because I don't think I'd have recovered from seeing her dying for a long time. My father was with her and from what he has said, it would have traumatised me. Maybe some things happen for a reason.

I am quite sure my mother would have preferred for me not to see her draw her last breaths. I can't guarantee what I would have been like in that room. I never knew I was capable of crying so hard until I saw her in the room shortly afterwards. She didn't need to hear my heartbroken howling as she left this world. That is assuming she was still lucid enough to know who was in the room with her. There are differing thoughts on that.

I prefer to look back at the bigger picture. She never doubted that I loved her very much. I still saw her regularly in the weeks leading up to her death. I knew she was dying so I always left her, knowing that it might be the last time I saw her alive. I have also heard so many stories of people dying when their loved ones weren't in the room with them. Perhaps that is the way your father wanted to go?

If your father could read your post now, he would prefer if you kept to your promises about getting healthy. Life is for living and you have many years ahead of you. Your entire relationship with your father does not hang on whether you were with him a X time or not. I'm sure he knew you loved him and that you would do anything for him.