Husband vent

dreamstar

Ok I need to vent...…
Me and my husband have two kids - 1 and 2 year old. So things are very tough at the minute. Our 1 year old doesn't sleep so I end up co-sleeping with her. Our two year old has started waking at night - since we moved him to his cotbed and he usually ends up in the bed. We're not getting much sleep and things are stressful.
My husband doesn't handle this well. I work three days a week. The kids are with a lovely childminder and on the days I'm working my husband drops the kids and I collect them. But every so often he gets too stressed and can't handle the kids. This morning I got up and went to work and they were all still sleeping. I knew when I was leaving this would happen - he's texted me this morning saying he snapped at the kids a lot and he's stressed out and something needs to change. The conversation comes up every few weeks. Basically what he wants is for me to leave my job and mind the kids full time. So he doesn't have to do anything!

I'm so stressed out and it's because of the way he carries on. Like why can't he just chill out. He just can't seem to manage the kids at all and almost expects me to do everything.
Don't know what I'm looking for here really. More of a rant.

Westwood

Sounds like a grumpy aul bollox with a touch of the baby blues....oh I thought that was for women only....

GreeBo

The stress is a symptom, the cause is the co-sleeping.
You need to nip that in the bud ASAP.

Some people handle less sleep way better than others, he might just be a grumpy bollix but he also could be suffering from severe stress and depression due to lack of sleep.

Solve your sleeping issues and you will go a long way to solving the other issues.
You can solve sleeping issues within a week, now it will be a week of potential hell, but its totally worth it.

Have you considered a sleep consultant if you can afford one?

shesty

Have you posted about this before?

Look to be honest, we have had similar periods in our house.My husband can be his own worst enemy when it comes to minding our three kids.I have had to have a few conversations with him about it, and it is hard because you are trying to find a line where you aren't saying 'do it my way, you are doing it wrong' but equally pointing out to him gently that things might be easier if he approached it by doing X, Y, Z.

The kids are close in age and it is very tough.I would suggest (and I have looked into this myself for us) maybe trying to find a short parenting course, or evening somewhere that you both go to - and both of you must go, because it will be no good otherwise-that he might get some advice from.My husband pointed out to me a year or so ago, that women (me) seem to read more about dealing with kids, chat with each other about what's normal and what's not, and get ideas from each other -whereas men (or him) don't.That comment stopped me in my tracks a bit because it was true.That was when I realised I had to pass some of the knowledge on to him aswell.Maybe it's true for you too.

Outside of that, I work also and basically I leave everything ready in the mornings.Clothes, shoes, bags packed with lunches, coats hanging ready, the works.Stupid in a way because surely he should do it himself, but equally, easier for me because I know school money and notes, and spare clothes, and bits are all going where they should be then.Honestly, although it rarely needed, I wake them up before I go (they are all usually up) including telling my husband what time it is if he isn't up.After that, it's on him.

You will have to sit down and have a chat though.Agree with him what time he needs him and the kids to be up to give himself time to get through everything smoothly.What can be left out.That sort of thing.But also point out to him, you are in the worst of it with the ages they are at.This is not forever.

BarryD2

Maybe the OP's husband is also stressed in other ways she doesn't appreciate and he doesn't talk about, perhaps work related pressure and so on. It's a lot to handle, 1½+ jobs, two young children, likely a mortgage and so on.

My advice would be to do what you think is best for your children and family at the moment, that'd be the priority. As to co sleeping, if that works for the children and you, then do it. Listen to them and weight your choices towards them rather advice from random strangers online.

dreamstar

BarryD2 wrote: »

Maybe the OP's husband is also stressed in other ways she doesn't appreciate and he doesn't talk about, perhaps work related pressure and so on. It's a lot to handle, 1½+ jobs, two young children, likely a mortgage and so on.

My advice would be to do what you think is best for your children and family at the moment, that'd be the priority. As to co sleeping, if that works for the children and you, then do it. Listen to them and weight your choices towards them rather advice from random strangers online.

I am really trying to do what's best for everyone. My husband does go through periods of getting quite stressed and trust me I do know about it an appreciate it.
We have had a very tough ride - I had cancer 3 years ago, then had the two children and I suffered quite bad with post natal depression after our second. So yes, things have been very very tough on him.

Me starting my job was like my lifeline. He thinks it's stupid us chasing our tails so I can work. It's a toughie. And I understand your point about taking advice from random strangers but sometimes it helps to talk to people outside the situation.

dreamstar

GreeBo wrote: »

The stress is a symptom, the cause is the co-sleeping.
You need to nip that in the bud ASAP.

Some people handle less sleep way better than others, he might just be a grumpy bollix but he also could be suffering from severe stress and depression due to lack of sleep.

Solve your sleeping issues and you will go a long way to solving the other issues.
You can solve sleeping issues within a week, now it will be a week of potential hell, but its totally worth it.

Have you considered a sleep consultant if you can afford one?

I totally agree with this. This is exactly our problem. I just don't know how to solve it.
We can't really afford a sleep consultant - I did get the Lucy Wolfe sleep book and we tried to follow the programme. But the baby screamed for 4 hours straight on night one.
I need to try it again and we've said we'll tackle it over the Xmas when we have time off.

tracey01

He is telling you he can't handle it so you need to listen and work together to find a solution. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you automatically can handle the stress of childminding.

So what exactly is it he can't handle? Get him to write down the areas that are causing him the most issues. I have one 3 year old and we are stopping at that as I know I would find it too stressful getting more than one kid out the door in the morning. I find one hard work.

Things I have done to make it easier - everything needs to be laid out the night before. Bags packed, clothes and shoes ready etc. Including all things I need.

Getting a good night sleep. I go to bed not long after my son on work days. My 3 year old is still in a cot. If your 1 year old isn't sleeping well and now your 2 year old is waking after moving to cot bed.. I would put him back to sleeping in a cot (presuming you mean by cot bed you took the side off it.)

You mention everyone was sleeping when you left. My husband leaves an hour before I need to get my son up. But in the beginning I used to get him to wake all of us when he was leaving so I had loads of time to get us ready and out the door. It would result in 30 min or so of hanging around before we actually had to leave the house but the mornings with him were more enjoyable as I didn't have the worry of being late for work.

Giving up work would be a last resort.

josip

As a previous poster said, you've got to sort out the sleep stuff first before seeing if there's another problem.
Give your husband the option of sleeping in a spare bed for a few nights if you have one

Bicyclette

dreamstar wrote: »

Ok I need to vent...…
he's stressed out and something needs to change. The conversation comes up every few weeks. Basically what he wants is for me to leave my job and mind the kids full time. So he doesn't have to do anything!


I am really trying to do what's best for everyone. My husband does go through periods of getting quite stressed and trust me I do know about it an appreciate it.
We have had a very tough ride - I had cancer 3 years ago, then had the two children and I suffered quite bad with post natal depression after our second. So yes, things have been very very tough on him.

Me starting my job was like my lifeline. He thinks it's stupid us chasing our tails so I can work. It's a toughie. And I understand your point about taking advice from random strangers but sometimes it helps to talk to people outside the situation.

Basically it appears that when your husband says "things need to change" he means YOU need to change. Parenting is a partnership. Your husband needs to change as well.

And I completely understand the importance of work to you. When you are at work, you are an employee, not a wife, not a mother, not a person who has had cancer. When you are at work, you have your own identity. And that for a lot of people is very important.

My suggestion - for what it is worth - is to sit down with hubby over Christmas and have a meaningful conversation about how you move forward. If it is all about him wanting you to change and him wanting to stay the way he is, then tell him that rather than giving up a career, you will get someone into the house temporarily to help out. And even if this costs all of your wages, it will be the same because essentially he wants you to give up work anyhow. The children are only young for a short while. Time flies. In a couple of years this will all be noise. But if you give up your career, it will take you longer to get back on your feet, to get your confidence back and to get your identity back.

Clareman

Formerly stressed husband here of 2 small children, the problem is the 2 of ye are absolutely exhausted because of the interupted sleep, I'm sure you think your stressed and he thinks he's stressed, do you want to know something? ye are both stressed and find it difficult to see the other persons point of view because "you are doing it all without any help", want to know something? Ye are both helping each other as much as ye but that's not enough because between work and the kids there seems to be just too much on.

We got a sleep consultant it, waste of money in my opinion, there was nothing in it that we didn't know but when you've a 1 year old balling and a 2 year old acting up you'll do anything to get some sleep.

What worked for us was giving each other a "night off", it's not really a night off but it's something as simple as saying "you sleep downstairs/spare room/your parents/friends on Friday night, have a lie in on Saturday and you're not on duty until around 3 or 4, then when you're back we'll have a few hours "family" time then it's my turn to sleep downstairs/spare room/your parents/friends and have a lie in on Sunday". Chances are you won't sleep and will be up with the kids in the morning anyway but the idea of a night off will do you the world of good.

Finally, and this is probably against all professional advice but it worked for us, don't be putting pressure on forcing your relationship at the moment, you've a lot on with 2 small kids and returning to work trying to force in some "quality time" will just make you resent each other just let it happen naturally and do small things like getting a take away or opening a bottle of wine or starting a new series on Netflix

scarepanda

Getting the kids to sleep on their own is probably key, although it will be rough going for the first little while, even into weeks.

Our eldest was brilliant for sleeping in her cot till we moved her into a single bed. It became a nightly game for her to get up wherever she wanted, especially at bedtime. We took the hard line, as soon as she stepped foot out her bedroom door we went up and put her back into bed (we live in a bungalow but we had a baby gate on the door that was loose enough for her to open so we would hear when she was up). We loosely followed super nanny's way of doing it, but figured out what work for both us and baby and stuck to it. We also stuck to the same bedtime routine rigidly (and kept it very simple so it would work anywhere with anyone). I can tell you it was hard going for a couple of months, she put up a fair old fight and some nights it felt like we'd never get to the other end. But we did and we now have a 3 year old who's the easiest child to get to bed. Those few months of torture were worth every bit of it for the ease we have now at bedtime.

As for you giving up work, I'm not sure that's the solution. As a stay at home mammy, I can tell you it's not always easy. The mornings might be a bit easier, but it's like a job in itself and by the time your husband comes home in the evening you'll still be exhausted and he'll still have to pull his weight to help you out and give you a break. And unlike you, he'll have left work to come home to a different environment, while you'll still be on the clock. And it can be very very hard to switch off because the stay at home parent is on-call 24/7 as almost all child related jobs default to them.

Clareman

What we found with the elder child was they were great to sleep until the new baby arrived and then was being disturbed so they came in to see what was happening or got jealous that the new baby was getting attention so came looking for attention of their own. I don't think it's feasible to reason with a 2 year old so the key is to get the baby to sleep, easier said than done I know

Alf Veedersane

dreamstar wrote: »

I totally agree with this. This is exactly our problem. I just don't know how to solve it.
We can't really afford a sleep consultant - I did get the Lucy Wolfe sleep book and we tried to follow the programme. But the baby screamed for 4 hours straight on night one.
I need to try it again and we've said we'll tackle it over the Xmas when we have time off.

As someone who had someone out with our first, the real benefit was in having someone say what needed to be done and how. We could have read it in a book but I think part of the reason we followed through was that we had invested in someone telling us how to address the problem. There's a psychological element of taking more notice of something you've paid more for.

Another poster said it was a waste because they don't really tell you anything you don't know. And maybe they don't. But I found myself being more inclined to follow through because we'd spent money on asking someone show us how to fix what was broken.

And it wasn't easy. The first night, I told my wife to go out with her friends because I knew it would break her heart to listen to the little one crying. Not that I'm an automaton, I just thought she'd find it harder. It was tough but a little better the next night and then again the next. 4 nights in and she slept through.

I don't think we appreciated how much of a difference that would make to us. We were muddling through, taking turns to try get a block of sleep but no one really getting enough. Afterwards, moods improved.

Lots of people have said, the root cause is the lack of sleep. That will exacerbate everything else. That should be the primary focus.

That said, your husband needs to up his game. It doesn't necessarily need to be a big shift but small changes with him getting up and ahead of the game will mean he's under less pressure getting up and out. It's not that he doesn't want to but maybe he's just a bit oblivious as to what is needed from him so spell it out and he'll see it's all manageable and that it will work for the better of everyone.

Clareman

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Another poster said it was a waste because they don't really tell you anything you don't know. And maybe they don't. But I found myself being more inclined to follow through because we'd spent money on asking someone show us how to fix what was broken.

Very good point, I never thought of it that way

fenris

As the others have pointed out sleep is the biggest and quickest item to fix, poor sleep means no emotional or physical resilience, that means that your reserve for solving anything that the world throws at you both is very low and that makes you very reactive.
A lot has happened in a relatively short period of time - cancer, two babies and post natal depression, each of those on their own are life changing for both of you and your relationship.
Your husband has had to think about losing you to cancer, then along came the kids so it looks like the world is busy but getting back on track, then the PND kicks in and it feels like he is losing you again in a completely different and much more insidious way that he is probably not allowed to mention because it is Ireland and with two babies in the mix.
He probably feels that he has to keep the whole show on the road while trying to mind and protect you, the girl he loves, from either the cancer or depression coming back, by getting you to slow down a bit while stepping around the recent memory of the not so fun times of baby blues.
The idea that he wants you to give up on your job so that you can stay at home with the kids so that he doesn't have to do anything is possibly an unfair assessment, maybe he wants you to look after yourself so that you will be around for the future?
You are both running yourselves ragged, nothing left in the tank for any kind of upset means that everything will seem a lot worse.
Take it easy on each other, get sleep even if it means separate rooms some nights, figure out a kid free date night setup where you can actually spend some time together like you did pre kids and rebuild the bond between you and remember why you are together in the first place, so that it isn't just day to day drudgery blurring into tired greyness seasoned with nappies. Life is easier as a team.

Dravokivich

Westwood wrote: »

Sounds like a grumpy aul bollox with a touch of the baby blues....oh I thought that was for women only....

Mod:

We aren't looking for posts with this sort of tone here. If your idea of a contribution is a snipe, please refrain from contributing.

PixelTrawler

josip wrote: »

As a previous poster said, you've got to sort out the sleep stuff first before seeing if there's another problem.
Give your husband the option of sleeping in a spare bed for a few nights if you have one

This. I’ve slept separately since before the kids were born. There was a lot of pregnancy shuffling. I’d go as far as to say get the kids out of the bedroom and then sleep separate yourselves. We do, it works great.

If I didn’t get enough sleep I’d probably be like your husband too.

Not only might it help directly, indirectly him having his own space might destress him further. I’m baffled why he hasn’t just moved to a spare room. Nothing wrong with a good sleep divorce.

pwurple

So the 4 of ye are trying to sleep in the one bed, or do you have a co-sleeper cot attached? Because if it's 4 in a bed, that's just torture.

That was a line I tried not to cross when mine were that small, but it is really hard, especially if you're shattered, it's 3am and there's the tug on the bedclothes... and yes, we definitely caved if someone was sick (regretting it bitterly usually the next day when there was a foot in your eye, a crick in your neck and you feel like death warmed up)

We all need sleep. Sleep hygiene = self-care. Everyone suffers when parents are exhausted, it's not good for you, and it's not good for the kids when you're half strung-out and grouchy either. Myself and my husband have been together over 20 years and lack of sleep with small kids was the roughest time in our own relationship. I know heaps of couples who don't get through it in one piece.


Bedtime routine for us was a task to be done the right way, consistently. Absolutely not very exciting, like laundry or doing the dishes, but we stuck to it as best we could every night from the start. Jammies, teeth, stories. Cuddles and a teddy... night light on, leave the room. Bring back to bed and repeat the last two steps if they keep getting up... But everyone eventually sleeps in their own damn bed.

Monkey2019

josip wrote: »

As a previous poster said, you've got to sort out the sleep stuff first before seeing if there's another problem.
Give your husband the option of sleeping in a spare bed for a few nights if you have one

Yes to this. My 2 year old frequently wakes looking to come into our bed.
I can handle lack of sleep alot better than my husband so there's nights were he would go to the spare room.

It has made the mornings alot more bearable and there's less of us taking the heads off each other.

Lack of sleep can really affect you - so i would def suggest looking at your sleeping arrangements and seeing what you can do. Personally i have nothing against co sleeping - small kids need comfort. So if you enjoy it, keep doing it...but maybe take turns at who gets the spare room.

As for giving up work...if it keeps you sane dont. After creche fees i dont have alot of money left out of my pay but i couldnt stay at home all day. The kids are small...this wont be forever and it will get better.

Organisation is key in the mornings. Have everything organised the night before. I write things down for my husband if im not going to be there. I dont mean it in a demeaning way...just he's the type that needs things spelt out clearly or he gets stressed,which in turn stresses me.

You both have been through alot in a short space of time. Go easy on yourselves. Sit down and have an honest chat about things and what needs to change.

GreeBo

dreamstar wrote: »

I totally agree with this. This is exactly our problem. I just don't know how to solve it.
We can't really afford a sleep consultant - I did get the Lucy Wolfe sleep book and we tried to follow the programme. But the baby screamed for 4 hours straight on night one.
I need to try it again and we've said we'll tackle it over the Xmas when we have time off.

It is going to be hell, but thats because your kids are used to crying = sleep with mommy.
They will scream less on night 2 than on night 1 as they learn you aren't going to cave in, however be aware that if you cave on night 6 you have undone all the previous work. I'd advise starting on a Friday night so at least you have a couple of days without having to worry about getting up for work.

While they days off over christmas will certainly help, just be aware that you probably arent going to get anything else done during this effort as you will all be in foul moods and bone tired. You dont want to ruin christmas if you can help it!

BarryD2 wrote: »

As to co sleeping, if that works for the children and you, then do it. Listen to them and weight your choices towards them rather advice from random strangers online.

Co-sleeping doesnt work for anyone, is bad for kids and every childcare and healthcare body in the world advises against it.

Neyite

We only had the one child, but he didn't sleep through until he was nearly 4. He's still a poor sleeper.

What worked for us was alternating going to the spare bedroom to get a good nights sleep and the other handle the nocturnal wakes. If you can cut down the sleeplessness in both of you to every other night then it will help a lot.

You say he's been through a lot the last few years and yes he has - but so have you - you dealt with cancer, pregnancy and childbirth x2, and PND. And you still get the same sleepless nights he does but you aren't the one telling him to quit and stay at home full time. Just to give you a bit of perspective.

Quitting your job won't help. Any SAHP will tell you that their partner still needs to help out in the home and with parenting duties and you being there all day won't change the night time wakes, except that you'll be expected to do every night AND every day because of the myth that SAHP have loads of time to rest. I get more rest and time to myself at work than I ever did on maternity leave.

Finally, the baby & toddler years are hard. Really hard. But it gets easier. It really does.

Clareman

Our first child was an amazing sleeper, from 5 weeks old she was sleeping from 8 till 8, second child came along, exactly the same house/routine/everything and she didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for 2.5 years, which meant we didn't get any sleep and the eldest child started to wake as well. If you asked me about anything that happened within those 2.5 years I couldn't tell you with any degree of certainity, it was a complete and utter fog.

I know you don't want to hear it and it's a very annoying thing to hear but it will get easier you just have to get through this without anything drastic happening

Pawwed Rig

What worked for us was adjusting sleeping patterns. Wife would goto bed at 7 or so and I would deal with everything up into (say) 1 at which point she has already had a reasonable sleep and deals with everything after that time giving me a reasonable sleep. 2 people being woke by 1 incident will drive you both crazy

seamus

My wife has had to point out to me that although I tell myself I can handle a lack of sleep better than she can, that I'm wrong. And on reflection I had to agree with her.

I can handle a single bad night better than she can. But she can manage several days without good sleep. I cannot.

Our experience of sleeping so far was that the first was a nightmare for the first 6-8 months, very colicky, and we were constantly up and down at night trying to settle her. We did it all wrong, we were both wrecked the entire time.

On our second we pre-empted this. My wife would give the baby a feed around 8 or 9, she'd go to bed, I'd stay downstairs with the baby sleeping in the basket until about 11/12, she'd do another feed, and then everyone would go asleep. My wife would do all the night time stuff which meant everyone had a decent level of sleep.
This evolved after 6 months into my wife going to bed at 9/10, I'd stay up and give the baby a bottle feed around 11/12 then put her to bed, and then I'd go to bed and the baby would sleep through till 6 or 7.

It may not work for you, but the main point is that you should make it a priority to work out ways for both of you to sleep. If you're both up every night, that can't fly. Even if it's as simple as a rota for being "on-call", that's better than nothing.


In terms of losing his mind in the morning, I don't know if more sleep will actually help. My 7 year old takes 20 minutes to be coaxed out of bed no matter how much sleep she's had. The 3 year old can be grumpy for no apparent reason.

Like you say, one can be their own worst enemy in this regard. Getting up and getting two kids ready to leave while also getting yourself ready to try and get out the door by a specific time, is stressful even on a good day. Losing the head and shouting is easy to do, but never makes things go any faster, nor does it make it less stressful.

I suggest that you do have a chat about it, but tackle it as a shared problem. "How do we make sure that the person who is getting the kids out the door has the easiest time of it".
As Monkey above says, organisation and routine is absolutely key. If everyone knows what needs to be done and where everything is, things go smoother. If your husband is trying to change the baby but there's no clean babygros because you've washed them all but not taken them out of the dryer, then that's going to add to his stress.
Likewise if you're trying to pack the baby's bag, but he never sterilised any bottles after washing them last night, that adds to your stress.

If you have to ask the question, "What do I need to pack", while you're actually packing, then you've failed to be prepared and you're going to make the experience more stressful than it needs to be. Routine, routine, routine. The morning should be by-the-numbers, everything where it's expected to be, clarity on what's to be done, with a little bit of wiggle room in case someone hurts themselves, or needs a change of clothes. I can tell you down to the nearest five minutes what everyone in my house will be doing on a weekday morning.

Everyone is human, everyone makes these mistakes, and nobody does it on purpose. If it's a constant problem that there's never any clean bottles, then you need to address it. If he forgot to do it once, then don't complain about it, just move on because tomorrow you'll have used the last nappy in the baby bag and forgotten to taken any more out of the press.

If it helps with the "you should stay at home" discussion, this isn't the gravy train he thinks it is. The work day of a stay-at-home parent should only start when their partner leaves for work. Not when the kids get up. It's incredibly unfair that you would be expected to get the kids up, feed, dress and change them, while he just potters about in the background suiting himself and getting ready at his own pace.

He's also thinking short-term. Within four years both kids will be at school. Will he be harping at you at that point to get a job? Far easier to tough out the next couple of years and make it work. Then you'll appreciate the freedom and the income when they start going to school.

Wabbit Ears

I kept telling my wife i was fully exhausted and couldnt deal with the amount of sleep and she kept up with the insistance that i got more sleep than her, ergo my problem wasnt a real problem.

Then I fell asleep at the wheel on the M1 motorway.


Luckily it was as i wa approaching the off ramp and hit the curb and woke. 30 seconds earlier i was doing 120 on a very busy road.

Your experiences dont invalidate the experiences of others, even if you perceive your experience to be worse. Remember that and take your husbands complaints seriously.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

GreeBo wrote: »

Co-sleeping doesnt work for anyone, is bad for kids and every childcare and healthcare body in the world advises against it.

I have found that over the past 2-3 years on this forum that there's some very incorrect, and frankly, dangerous information on here spouted as fact. There's tons of scaremongering going on when it comes to co-sleeping and it's idiotic to claim that it doesn't work for anyone and it's bad for kids nad every childcare and healthcare body in the world advices against it (where do you come up with such jibberish?)

Co-sleeping may or may not work for you. It can also be dangerous IF there are added risk factors.

Take the advice on this forum with a grain of salt, seriously...

Monkey2019

Raylee Obedient Rent wrote: »

I have found that over the past 2-3 years on this forum that there's some very incorrect, and frankly, dangerous information on here spouted as fact. There's tons of scaremongering going on when it comes to co-sleeping and it's idiotic to claim that it doesn't work for anyone and it's bad for kids nad every childcare and healthcare body in the world advices against it (where do you come up with such jibberish?)

Co-sleeping may or may not work for you. It can also be dangerous IF there are added risk factors.

Take the advice on this forum with a grain of salt, seriously...

Thank you!
I didnt have the energy to write a post arguing this. What a ridiculous statement.

seamus

Raylee Obedient Rent wrote: »

Co-sleeping may or may not work for you. It can also be dangerous IF there are added risk factors.

The main problem here is that no authority wants to leave some "ah sure it'll be OK, if..." wiggle room because people usually misinterpret this as a green light. This is why "no amount of alcohol is safe when you're pregnant" and every single medication advises that "pregnant or breastfeeding women should consult their doctor", even if when they're only sugar pills.

You are correct, but rather than go into the nuts and bolts, I would advise anyone doing it or considering it to read up on it; https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/cosleeping.aspx

Calhoun

Both my wife and I are working parents for a number of reasons, the lifestyle we want to live but also being fulfilled in what we do.

Part of that however was us understanding that sleep and bed time routing had to be very strict from the get go. Now more than ever has we have three under six the bedtime routine takes two of us to make it happen.

It also isn't something you fix overnight it will take time to bed in but like others have pointed out making sure you all are well rested (within reason) should be the main goal here.

GreeBo

seamus wrote: »

On our second we pre-empted this. My wife would give the baby a feed around 8 or 9, she'd go to bed, I'd stay downstairs with the baby sleeping in the basket until about 11/12, she'd do another feed, and then everyone would go asleep. My wife would do all the night time stuff which meant everyone had a decent level of sleep.
This evolved after 6 months into my wife going to bed at 9/10, I'd stay up and give the baby a bottle feed around 11/12 then put her to bed, and then I'd go to bed and the baby would sleep through till 6 or 7.

This is exactly what we did for our first, through sheer luck I guess.
I stayed up til 12 to do the "last" night feed and then my wife handled the middle of the night stuff and I did the first morning feed.
This was grand while she was on maternity leave.
After that we just use the separate bedrooms approach, take turns with the baby monitor and dealing with whatever happens during the night.
Whoever got the night off deals with the morning routine.

Im hoping in another 5 or 6 years we will be back sleeping together...but look what happened the last time we tried that! :pac:

One major benefit of taking turns is that it makes laying down the sleep law much easier as you know you only have one night to deal with before you get a proper sleep.

IMO there is zero point in trying to sleep together and share the pain until your children are sleeping well, you just end up with two zombies who hate each other.