Worried and let down

Confused dad

Hi Folks,
Sorry in advance, but this is a long one!

I'm just feeling so worried, hurt and let down this evening after a pretty horrible discovery last night.

So My Partner, with whom I thought I was rock solid has been texting a much older married man, in secret and has lied about it to my face.

I made the discovery last night. We had been for a family day out with my daughter on Sunday and she had taken some lovely pics on her phone. She sent them to me last night through FB messenger so I could choose which ones to get printed today. When I went to look through them on my phone, my battery died. So, I asked her if I could look at them on her phone and she said no probs. She went out to the kitchen to make a cuppa. So, I went into her fb messenger to the message she sent me, and I saw a message there from a local delivery guy (who calls to our home quite often with takeaways etc). No big deal, until I noticed this particular conversation was on MUTE. I could see the first line of the message and it read like a message between two close friends. I said nothing and went to look at the photos.

About an hour later, I went to make another cuppa, and when I came into the room, my partner quickly stopped what she was doing on the phone and dropped it onto the sofa. I'm not proud of this, but when she was next out of the room, I went in and looked again (far from my finest hour). I was really surprised to see that message thread had been deleted. However, When the phone was in my hand, another message came through. It was a reply to whatever she had said to him before.

Basically, she has been texting this guy, with the conversation on mute, and deleting the messages. I confronted her about it. She denied that she had been texting him at all. I asked her to open her phone and she did so reluctantly, and low and behold there was yet another message. She then went on to say that she has it on mute because she doesn't really want to talk to him, and that she never responds to him. However, the message she had just received was clearly a reply to whatever she had asked him in the last message she sent and deleted. She then went on to tell me that she hasn't done anything wrong. I asked her if he was pestering her, and if she doesn't want to talk to him, why she responds to him and she couldn't answer me.

I asked her why she lied about having secret text conversations with a married man. Why was it on mute? Why delete them? She just got really flustered and gave me some garbled excuse about always deleting her messages, despite having a full inbox.

Then, the sucker punch came. She let it slip, that last week he asked her to meet up with her. She says she just "forgot" to tell me and that she didn't meet up with him and ignored the message.

This is so out of character for her. We have always had 100% trust. Never lied to each other. Always tell each other exactly how we feel. Now I'm really worried that something is going on. I feel guilty for snooping in her phone the second time, but at the same time, I fell vindicated as she has been texting this man in secret. I'm so worried, as I love her to bits, and she has a great bond with my daughter also.

To make matters even more concerning, at our annual theatre wrap party last weekend, we had both agreed to go home early as we were so worn out from our annual pantomime. However at the last minute she decided to stay on and said she would ring me in an hour to come and get her. So, I left around 10.30pm. Three and a half hours later, no phone call. She went completely off the grid. I called a few times to see if she needed a lift or if she wanted to stay on at the party. She eventually landed home at 4am. Again, completely out of character. She would always check in with me, and vice versa to let each other know we are ok etc.

Now I'm thinking, did she leave the party and go and meet this guy maybe? Or am I putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? I was looking at photos from the party posted online. She's not in any of them, except the ones taken when I was still there, the photo's I'm in. Any photo's taken after that, she's not in them.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated on how to approach this issue. I don't want to come across as controlling or anything by checking up on her, but I just knew in my gut something wasn't right about this and I was right. She told me herself that she sees nothing wrong with texting this guy. I also have my little girl to think of. She looks up to her so much and has a real close bond. :(:(

ITman88

To be honest it doesn’t sound good. The story she has told you sounds like rubbish, If it happened me I would be of the opinion she is cheating.
Is she usually easy to approach?

Upforthematch

Hi Op, a breach of trust is massive and raises all sorts of questions.

I think in any future discussions with your partner though about this you need to stick to the facts. What you mentioned about the messenger texts are facts. Your theory about the reason she was out until 4am is not a fact. I suggest you don't mention this to her because it will imply you have no trust in her at all and it is hard to come back from that point.

It is reasonable to ask her not to be in contact with this guy anymore. It's not because you're controlling... it's because she felt she had to keep it from you.

tommythecat

[quote="Confused dad;111989078"She told me herself that she sees nothing wrong with texting this guy. I also have my little girl to think of. She looks up to her so much and has a real close bond. :(:([/quote]

If she thought there was nothing wrong with texting this guy why did she hide it. There is your answer

Confused dad

Upforthematch wrote: »

Your theory about the reason she was out until 4am is not a fact. I suggest you don't mention this to her because it will imply you have no trust in her at all and it is hard to come back from that point.

Those were my thoughts exactly, initially anyway. To be honest, this possible scenario didn't even occur to me until today. I just assumed she was having a good time and lost track of time. I had no reason to think otherwise. But her actions over the last week or so have been so out of character that it's becoming increasingly difficult not to draw those conclusions.

Confused dad

ITman88 wrote: »

To be honest it doesn’t sound good. The story she has told you sounds like rubbish, If it happened me I would be of the opinion she is cheating.
Is she usually easy to approach?

Yes she is. We have always been able to talk to each other without fear of causing an argument. Always 100% openness and honesty. If one of us isn't happy about something, we come out and say it. Well, that's the way I believed it to be until 24 hours ago.

ITman88

Confused dad wrote: »

Yes she is. We have always been able to talk to each other without fear of causing an argument. Always 100% openness and honesty. If one of us isn't happy about something, we come out and say it. Well, that's the way I believed it to be until 24 hours ago.

As the other reply’s have said you have facts and conclusions to ponder.
It’s a horrible place for you to be. It messes with your head.
Does she spend much time alone?
Has she any nights our planned over Xmas?

Confused dad

ITman88 wrote: »

As the other reply’s have said you have facts and conclusions to ponder.
It’s a horrible place for you to be. It messes with your head.
Does she spend much time alone?
Has she any nights our planned over Xmas?

She would spend quite a bit of time alone in the house ( I work 2 jobs). No nights out planned as of yet.

I did consider the fact that maybe I'm not paying her enough attention. I'm working every hour I can to keep us afloat. Maybe she enjoyed getting attention from another man because I'm not around enough. Although she has never said this to me.

Padre_Pio

Confused dad wrote: »

She would spend quite a bit of time alone in the house ( I work 2 jobs). No nights out planned as of yet.

I did consider the fact that maybe I'm not paying her enough attention. I'm working every hour I can to keep us afloat. Maybe she enjoyed getting attention from another man because I'm not around enough. Although she has never said this to me.

You need to sit down and talk through this. Get a councillor and hash it out.

There could be deeper issues here (loneliness etc) and you need to get them all on the table to make any rational decisions. No one who's happily in a relationship would so this, so what's making her unhappy. Once you tackle this, and the trust issues caused by this event, you can move on together hopefully.

Confused dad

Padre_Pio wrote: »

You need to sit down and talk through this. Get a councillor and hash it out.

There could be deeper issues here (loneliness etc) and you need to get them all on the table to make any rational decisions. No one who's happily in a relationship would so this, so what's making her unhappy. Once you tackle this, and the trust issues caused by this event, you can move on together hopefully.

I honestly believed we were very happy. We have always had eachothers backs 100%. Complete openness and honesty. And we laugh.....so much. This has come from nowhere. Like a complete personality transplant in the space of a week.

Padre_Pio

Confused dad wrote: »

I honestly believed we were very happy. We have always had eachothers backs 100%. Complete openness and honesty. And we laugh.....so much. This has come from nowhere. Like a complete personality transplant in the space of a week.

And I would hope onto that right now, until you know the entire truth.

That will only come out with honest conversation, and that is best done with a councillor to mediate and explore what each of you is saying.

Nerdlingr

Trust your gut instinct.
You need to talk to her and confront her over the theatre after-party.....did she tell you where she'd been till 4am? What excuse did she have?
All sounds completely dodgy to me.
I was in a similar situation to yourself, no cheating involved, but text msgs etc ..exact same thing, the phone would be dropped as soon as I walked in the room. All the signs were there and eventually I had to face up to it and have the "talk". I wish you luck.

Confused dad

Nerdlingr wrote: »

Trust your gut instinct.
You need to talk to her and confront her over the theatre after-party.....did she tell you where she'd been till 4am?

She said she was talking with friends and dancing and had left her phone in her bag and lost track of time. When I asked how she lost track of time for 6 hours she turned the situation around on me saying that I'm always telling her to go out and enjoy herself and when she does I'm asking questions and making her feel guilty.



She wasn't interested in the fact that she had asked me to either collect her or book a taxi for her in an hour. When I rang and text to she if she was ready (after 3 hours) she wasn't answering. Again, completely out of character. I was terrified something had happened to her, but we had so many mutual friends there, I know they would have called to let me know. And she is always taking photos on her phone, so it's usually in her hand, especially on a night out.

The_Honeybadger

Confused dad wrote: »

She said she was talking with friends and dancing and had left her phone in her bag and lost track of time. When I asked how she lost track of time for 6 hours she turned the situation around on me saying that I'm always telling her to go out and enjoy herself and when she does I'm asking questions and making her feel guilty.



She wasn't interested in the fact that she had asked me to either collect her or book a taxi for her in an hour. When I rang and text to she if she was ready (after 3 hours) she wasn't answering. Again, completely out of character. I was terrified something had happened to her.

Did you talk to anybody else that was at the party? Without being obvious you could try to find out if she was there, what time they all finished up etc?

Being out until 4am if that is not her thing would be a red flag for me tbh. It’s quite possible that she is telling the truth and she was at a party but you could probably confirm yourself without accusing her of anything.

Abel Ruiz

She is spoofing. Avoids all the questions.
You already know the answer to your thread.

What are you doing with this gimp?

Confused dad

The_Honeybadger wrote: »

Did you talk to anybody else that was at the party? Without being obvious you could try to find out if she was there, what time they all finished up etc?

Being out until 4am if that is not her thing would be a red flag for me tbh. It’s quite possible that she is telling the truth and she was at a party but you could probably confirm yourself without accusing her of anything.

My understanding is that she was there at the end of the night to get a taxi home with some of the rest of the group and she rang me at 3.45am from the venue to say I didn't need to come get her as she was getting a taxi with them. I have a gut feeling however that she left the party and came back. Again, this didn't cross my mind until I discovered she has been texting this man in secret. As I said before, I could just be putting 2+2 together and getting 5.

dartboardio

Since she has been sneaky why don't you do a bit of digging? Ask her casually oh who was at the party?

Maybe message a friend of hers that she was apparently with and ask them something innocent like oh, did Mary leave that watch I bought her with you at the party the other night? Or, sorry Mary is asleep she just wanted me to ask you do you have her charger from the party the other night?

A liar needs to have a good memory and you can be almost guaranteed the friend will respond with 'sorry I think you mean someone else, I wasn't at a party with her...'

Then you'll have your answer.

It all sounds a bit dodge. No need to hide or delete innocent text messages from a male or a female unless you're hiding something, aswell as the out of character thing, of her staying out and disappearing for six hours with no contact.

Anything out of the ordinary as they say...

The_Honeybadger

I’d be really suspicious from what you’ve told us OP if I’m honest. I don’t really have any advice for you but best of luck and I hope you can resolve it and move on.

Confused dad

dartboardio wrote: »

Since she has been sneaky why don't you do a bit of digging? Ask her casually oh who was at the party?

Maybe message a friend of hers that she was apparently with and ask them something innocent like oh, did Mary leave that watch I bought her with you at the party the other night? Or, sorry Mary is asleep she just wanted me to ask you do you have her charger from the party the other night?

A liar needs to have a good memory and you can be almost guaranteed the friend will respond with 'sorry I think you mean someone else, I wasn't at a party with her...'

Then you'll have your answer.

It all sounds a bit dodge. No need to hide or delete innocent text messages from a male or a female unless you're hiding something, aswell as the out of character thing, of her staying out and disappearing for six hours with no contact.

Anything out of the ordinary as they say...

Thought of that however, I really don't want to involve any of our friends and put them in an awkward position. Plus, plenty of drink on board, so memories may be sketchy.

Nerdlingr

It's a sh*t situation to be in and it will only mess with your head the more you think about it and envisage what did or didn't happen.
All her actions, as you say, are out of character. You may make excuses for her or you may imagine things that didn't take place at all. There is only one way to find out.
There are a lot of red flags...if you trust and are honest with each other as you say you are, then you probably need to lay all your cards on the table. For your own peace if mind you're going to have to ask her straight out if anything did or is happening with this other guy. What you do with that information is up to you...deep down you'll know if she's lying or not.

Padre_Pio

Nerdlingr wrote: »

It's a sh*t situation to be in and it will only mess with your head the more you think about it and envisage what did or didn't happen.

1000 times this. You'll end up imagining all manner of ridiculous scenarios and getting bitter and jealous.

Have your conversation sooner rather than later.

SteelyDanJalapeno

Google timeline history?

Confused dad

Nerdlingr wrote: »

It's a sh*t situation to be in and it will only mess with your head the more you think about it and envisage what did or didn't happen.
All her actions, as you say, are out of character. You may make excuses for her or you may imagine things that didn't take place at all. There is only one way to find out.
There are a lot of red flags...if you trust and are honest with each other as you say you are, then you probably need to lay all your cards on the table. For your own peace if mind you're going to have to ask her straight out if anything did or is happening with this other guy. What you do with that information is up to you...deep down you'll know if she's lying or not.

I've asked the question and she says no, absolutely not. She didn't meet him. She just "forgot" to tell me that he asked her to meet. I feel like I should confront him on the matter.

Confused dad

SteelyDanJalapeno wrote: »

Google timeline history?

I don't understand, sorry!:(

dartboardio

Confused dad wrote: »

Thought of that however, I really don't want to involve any of our friends and put them in an awkward position. Plus, plenty of drink on board, so memories may be sketchy.

Not necessarily, she may be claiming she was more drunk and careless than she was, just to act like she was having too much fun to be on her phone. And the friends won't think anything sketchy of you asking an innocent question, if they do say the dreaded 'she wasn't with me' then you can be like oh **** yeah sorry!

I think you should do this. Years ago I unfortunately cheated on my boyfriend at the time and like you we were perfect before that, open, honest, really in love. He found out by texting a girl I had claimed to be with, and she of course had said no, she went off hours ago.

I think it would be worth a shot and the only way of knowing the truth as your gf seems to be making it up as she goes along.

BTW me and boyfriend four years later have built back up trust and have an amazing relationship. It can work.

wiggle16

Confused dad wrote: »

I've asked the question and she says no, absolutely not. She didn't meet him. She just "forgot" to tell me that he asked her to meet. I feel like I should confront him on the matter.

I don't think you'll get anything out of him. He's not going to tell you if he's been seeing your partner, and having an affair behind his own wife's back to boot.

I wouldn't bother with him, that's a dead end. It's your partner you need to speak to.

Confused dad

dartboardio wrote: »

Not necessarily, she may be claiming she was more drunk and careless than she was, just to act like she was having too much fun to be on her phone. And the friends won't think anything sketchy of you asking an innocent question, if they do say the dreaded 'she wasn't with me' then you can be like oh **** yeah sorry!

I think you should do this. Years ago I unfortunately cheated on my boyfriend at the time and like you we were perfect before that, open, honest, really in love. He found out by texting a girl I had claimed to be with, and she of course had said no, she went off hours ago.

I think it would be worth a shot and the only way of knowing the truth as your gf seems to be making it up as she goes along.

BTW me and boyfriend four years later have built back up trust and have an amazing relationship. It can work.

This may be worth a try then so...

un5byh7sqpd2x0

Confused dad wrote: »

I don't understand, sorry!:(

Google Maps, go to timeline

SteelyDanJalapeno

Confused dad wrote: »

I don't understand, sorry!:(

If you really want the answer, it's a big breach of trust, but Google maps records everywhere you go these days

Confused dad

SteelyDanJalapeno wrote: »

If you really want the answer, it's a big breach of trust, but Google maps records everywhere you go these days

I really would rather not go down that route. I just about managed to stop myself actually opening the messages that I saw in her inbox. I wanted to give her the opportunity to explain first. I appreciate the advice though

Nerdlingr

Confused dad wrote: »

I've asked the question and she says no, absolutely not. She didn't meet him. She just "forgot" to tell me that he asked her to meet. I feel like I should confront him on the matter.

She thinks it's ok to text a married man that she doesn't want anything to do with, but continues to text him anyway and then deletes the messages. Has the notifications on mute. Drops phone when you enter the room. "Forgot" to tell you about him asking to meet her. All red flags...but it's up to you whether you believe absolutely nothing has happened. Maybe it hasn't but her actions are upsetting and detrimental to your relationship.

If she doesn't want anything to do with him then you could give her an ultimatum to either pull the plug on it or you will. I'm sure his wife wouldn't appreciate her husband texting another woman and asking to meet up.

tbh i think asking her who else was at the party is a really transparent move

you should surely have an idea who else wouldve been there and would've ordinarily hung out with her

but also tbh theres no real need to go digging around. lay it out to her like you have here and ask her what she thinks it looks like to you.

and dont apologise for it, or seek reassurance. seek the truth youre entitled to and given the circs if she hasnt done the obvious, she should be scrambling for ways to prove it because it looks open and shut.

youve two jobs on the go to keep things afloat, shes sussing out the delivery man and you worry youre at fault here?

idk man.

Confused dad

Nerdlingr wrote: »

She thinks it's ok to text a married man that she doesn't want anything to do with, but continues to text him anyway and then deletes the messages. Has the notifications on mute. Drops phone when you enter the room. "Forgot" to tell you about him asking to meet her. All red flags...but it's up to you whether you believe absolutely nothing has happened. Maybe it hasn't but her actions are upsetting and detrimental to your relationship.

Thank you. I really feel like the only person I've every 100% trusted has taken complete advantage of that trust and has been taking the piss this whole time.

Earleybird

Confused dad wrote: »

I really would rather not go down that route. I just about managed to stop myself actually opening the messages that I saw in her inbox. I wanted to give her the opportunity to explain first. I appreciate the advice though

Doesn't sound like you can place a huge amount of trust in any explanation she'll give you. I'd consider the maps idea. Will give you difinitive answer whether she headed off somewhere else that night, and obviously show you exactly where if that's the case. If she is hiding something you might do well to get 2 mins on her phone again though.

Confused dad

Earleybird wrote: »

Doesn't sound like you can place a huge amount of trust in any explanation she'll give you. I'd consider the maps idea. Will give you difinitive answer whether she headed off somewhere else that night, and obviously show you exactly where if that's the case. If she is hiding something you might do well to get 2 mins on her phone again though.

I feel that if I do go down that route, I'm lowering myself to untrustworthy. I already feel so guilty for doing what I did. Even though I had her permission the 1st time, I still went in again a 2nd time. I felt like I had really violated her trust, although I did feel somewhat vindicated in my actions.

wiggle16

I agree with snoopsheep. Ask her what this looks like to her and see what her answer is.

I don't like jumping to conclusions either but it's difficult to think of an explanation for this behaviour, especially when you really feel something is off.

Upforthematch is right about the party, I'd stay away from it. As things stand, unless someone tells you she left shortly after you did, you've no way of proving she was there or wasn't, just that she wasn't in any photos and she came home late.

Her carry on with the phone is what started all this, and that's because it's clear she's hiding something. It think that's more concerning than the party. There's any number of reasons she could've been home late. Lost time can be explained away. Deleting messages for no apparent reason and being furtive is harder to make sense of. Stick to what you know.

I'm not a fan of snooping on phones either, for two reasons. The first is the underhandedness, which is hard to get away from. The other is that if you find nothing else suspicious, that doesn't explain what happened yesterday and you're no wiser than you were before. You're unlikely to find anything on her phone now anyway, if there is something going on she'd want to be unfathomably stupid not to be covering her tracks after yesterday.

As snoopsheep said, sit her down and ask her what this looks like, why she deleted messages, and why she lied about it. Her reaction will tell you enough. She'll deflect it on to you if there is something going on. If it's innocent it there will be an explanation she should be only too happy to give. I know I would be if I were wrongly accused of cheating.

As Judge Judy says, if something doesn't make sense, it's not true.

The Bishop Basher

Confused dad wrote: »

I feel that if I do go down that route, I'm lowering myself to untrustworthy. I already feel so guilty for doing what I did. Even though I had her permission the 1st time, I still went in again a 2nd time. I felt like I had really violated her trust, although I did feel somewhat vindicated in my actions.

She is violating your trust and leaving you with no option but to snoop to confirm your suspicions.

There’s nothing untrustworthy about your actions in this scenario.

You’re just doing what you believe to be necessary in looking out for yourself and your child.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

stefanovich

Confused dad wrote: »

I honestly believed we were very happy. We have always had eachothers backs 100%. Complete openness and honesty. And we laugh.....so much. This has come from nowhere. Like a complete personality transplant in the space of a week.

You could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the guy was pestering her. Perhaps she was being polite. I'd certainly lay down the law and use your veto to stop her communicating with him again.

leggo

stefanovich wrote: »

You could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the guy was pestering her. Perhaps she was being polite. I'd certainly lay down the law and use your veto to stop her communicating with him again.

If that was the case she’d just say that and have no reason to hide it. He’d probably know about it from the time it started, it’d be weird not to note if a delivery man they both know started harassing her out of the blue.

OP I think it is what it is and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. Regardless of what has/hasn’t happened, you know she’s hiding something and if she refuses to tell you the full truth and do the old ‘a cheater will only admit what they’ve been caught doing’ routine, you can’t trust her and thus can’t proceed. You don’t even need to worry about the specifics, that’s enough to go on. If she wants to row back and tell the truth, maybe there’s room to talk. But also keep in mind that also cheaters will buy themselves time once caught to come up with the version of the truth that best suits what they want, which is almost more manipulative and horrible than cheating itself.

Jackman25

Checking the phone timeline seems like the best option once its done discreetly.
Asking friends might not reveal much and they will likely guess at the reason for your questions and rumours will start.

You are well justified in having a look at her phone based on the evidence so far.

armaghlad

Having been in quite a similar situation myself my advice is to go with your gut instinct. If you think something is going on dig deeper. You can try and persuade yourself that there isn’t, that she isn’t capable of it and that you’re jumping to conclusions. She would be the same if the roles were reversed.

My ex went out one night with friends. Didn’t invite me - that was the first red flag. Stopped texting after a few hours (uncharacteristic) - second red flag. We had each other’s Facebook passwords so obviously I had a nosey. Turned out a few friends from her home town were up for a night out, one of whom she happened to have a bit of history with. Long story short, they are now married.

qwerty13

stefanovich wrote: »

You could try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the guy was pestering her. Perhaps she was being polite. I'd certainly lay down the law and use your veto to stop her communicating with him again.

I do think it sounds quite suspicious. But the idea of “using your veto” re who she can contact makes me uncomfortable. No one gets to veto who their partner can communicate with. Have a conversation about it sure, but a veto is not only likely to achieve nothing, but is very controlling.

Why is the guy delivering lots of takeaways if you’re working 2 jobs to keep your household afloat?

ManOfMystery

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ....................... etc.

This has all the classic signs of cheating. Things that in isolation don't seem to bad, but combine them all together (hiding the phone, minimising her behaviour, turning it around on you, not coming home until early hours, deleting messages, and so on) and it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

She is clearly not capable of admitting the truth, so you're going to need proof. And now that you've already broached the messaging with her, her guard is likely to be up - so I wouldn't go down the road of approaching friends or the other man, this will likely get back to her and they may not give you any useful information anyway.

Do you know what Taxi firm supposedly brought her home? I would contact them and ask for the driver details so you can contact him directly, make up some story about a lost phone. Happens all the time. He should be able to confirm if he brought someone from the party location to your home address. If he didn't, then she was somewhere else. And if that's the case, she has lied to you about her whereabouts, then you are fully justified IMO to do whatever snooping and investigating you need to do.

Confused dad

qwerty13 wrote: »

Why is the guy delivering lots of takeaways if you’re working 2 jobs to keep your household afloat?

Because I do treatus the odd weekend. Considering I dont drink or smoke, I think that's allowed.

shafty100

Confused dad wrote: »

Because I do treatus the odd weekend. Considering I dont drink or smoke, I think that's allowed.

I personally would try every possibility to find out the truth ,maybe you are afraid that she is cheating and you dont want to believe it

Confused dad

shafty100 wrote: »

I personally would try every possibility to find out the truth ,maybe you are afraid that she is cheating and you dont want to believe it

Who would?

ManOfMystery

Confused dad wrote: »

Who would?

No-one, but whether you like it or not, what has happened has happened and there will always be a question mark in your mind.

There are two ways forward here; head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen (and isn't happening, and won't happen again......) ..................... or face it head on.

Generally speaking, I don't think the head in the sand approach works for any kind of problem that people face.

Kidchameleon

OP this is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it... You are being treated like a complete cuck, she is 100% cheating on you and she knows she can get away with it. Your posts clearly give off the impression that you don't want this situation to be true but it is! It seems like you worship her and she feel like she can walk all over you as a result. How pretty is she? Do you feel you are punching above you weight? Is she much younger than you? Does she work at all whilst you work two jobs? One thing that is for sure, she is texting and enjoying attention from another man, that is an indisputable fact. The way she has lied to your face about that means she has no respect for you - she thinks telling you she "forgot" is good enough? The sudden changes in behavior are sure signs that there is more going on...

From what I can make out, she is not the mother of your daughter? That is not clear from your posts... Assuming she is not the mother then please god for your daughters sake, kick this woman to the kerb, your daughter needs to see her dad act like a man and demonstrate that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Do you want a woman like that, who lies, cheats and takes advantage of your good nature to be an influence on your daughters development?

Finally, if you forgive her about this, she will most likely do it again.

qwerty13

Confused dad wrote: »

Because I do treatus the odd weekend. Considering I dont drink or smoke, I think that's allowed.

I wasn’t criticising you - I got the impression that she was ordering takeaways v frequently when you weren’t there, while you were working. That’s why I was asking. It seemed odd - especially now that you know she’s contacting the delivery guy

Confused dad

qwerty13 wrote: »

I wasn’t criticising you - I got the impression that she was ordering takeaways v frequently when you weren’t there, while you were working. That’s why I was asking. It seemed odd - especially now that you know she’s contacting the delivery guy

Apologies, I completely misunderstood your post. No we would generally only order takeaway when the three of us are home at the weekend, as a treat. To the best of knowledge she doesn't order in when I'm away at work. That's not to say she isn't though

LegacyUser

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP this is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear it... You are being treated like a complete cuck, she is 100% cheating on you and she knows she can get away with it. Your posts clearly give off the impression that you don't want this situation to be true but it is! It seems like you worship her and she feel like she can walk all over you as a result. How pretty is she? Do you feel you are punching above you weight? Is she much younger than you? Does she work at all whilst you work two jobs? One thing that is for sure, she is texting and enjoying attention from another man, that is an indisputable fact. The way she has lied to your face about that means she has no respect for you - she thinks telling you she "forgot" is good enough? The sudden changes in behavior are sure signs that there is more going on...

From what I can make out, she is not the mother of your daughter? That is not clear from your posts... Assuming she is not the mother then please god for your daughters sake, kick this woman to the kerb, your daughter needs to see her dad act like a man and demonstrate that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Do you want a woman like that, who lies, cheats and takes advantage of your good nature to be an influence on your daughters development?

Finally, if you forgive her about this, she will most likely do it again.

This in a nutshell - you’re being used as a doormat here . You really need to sort this out quickly