Worried and let down

CobraClan

She knows you know she cheated on you! She knows she crossed your boundaries, she knows your letting her get away with it and has now completely lost respect for you, that is why she is finding fault in everything you do now!

Even if she didn't do anything she probably used the situation to test you just to see how much backbone you have!

You said you think she's arguing with you, trying to get you to throw it in her face and IMO you should at the next opportunity, let her know your not satisfied with her story and she better come up with some convincing explanation that makes sense or you want her out of the house.

Giving her the benefits of the doubt is a needy excuse!

utyh2ikcq9z76b

CobraClan wrote: »

She knows you know she cheated on you! She knows she crossed your boundaries, she knows your letting her get away with it and has now completely lost respect for you, that is why she is finding fault in everything you do now!

Even if she didn't do anything she probably used the situation to test you just to see how much backbone you have!

You said you think she's arguing with you, trying to get you to throw it in her face and IMO you should at the next opportunity, let her know your not satisfied with her story and she better come up with some convincing explanation that makes sense or you want her out of the house.

Giving her the benefits of the doubt is a needy excuse!

Exactly this, you have no respect for yourself, how can she respect you.

leggo

Nerdlingr wrote: »

A lot of the other advice on here seems to be "she's cheating on you, dump her, she's making a mug of you" etc etc....I'd be more on the side of...you have to give someone a chance, you have to give he relationship a chance. If it goes t"ts up down the line and they were right all along, fair enough ... But at least you can look back and say you did everything you could to make it work and leave with no regrets instead of wondering did I do the right thing?

That logic sounds good in paper, but not in real life. What if she leaves him out of the blue for the delivery lad or another guy? What if she just starts cheating openly on him now because he’s told her now she can get away with it? What if she just loses all respect, doesn’t care and ghosts him and his child like they’re nothing to her? All of that hurts WAY more and leaves more scars than if OP could look himself in the mirror when he looks back on it and say “I caught her and did myself proud by getting rid, even if it killed me to do so at the time”.

I was cheated on and, in spite of the hurt it caused and similar mixed emotions to what the OP is going through, today the one thing that’ll allow me to date again is knowing that my gut told me something was wrong and was correct (so I can trust it in future) and that I dumped the person the next day so my decision-making stayed accurate in spite of everything else. If I didn’t have that, I don’t know if I could recover, because I wouldn’t trust my judgement to not end up in that situation again.

You’ve done all you can to save the relationship when you give the person a chance to tell the truth. That’s their window to step up and make it right. If they refuse to do so, they’re choosing not to save the relationship and prioritising protecting their lie over everything.

Nerdlingr

leggo wrote: »

That logic sounds good in paper, but not in real life. What if she leaves him out of the blue for the delivery lad or another guy? What if she just starts cheating openly on him now because he’s told her now she can get away with it? What if she just loses all respect, doesn’t care and ghosts him and his child like they’re nothing to her? All of that hurts WAY more and leaves more scars than if OP could look himself in the mirror when he looks back on it and say “I caught her and did myself proud by getting rid, even if it killed me to do so at the time”.

I was cheated on and, in spite of the hurt it caused and similar mixed emotions to what the OP is going through, today the one thing that’ll allow me to date again is knowing that my gut told me something was wrong and was correct (so I can trust it in future) and that I dumped the person the next day so my decision-making stayed accurate in spite of everything else. If I didn’t have that, I don’t know if I could recover, because I wouldn’t trust my judgement to not end up in that situation again.

You’ve done all you can to save the relationship when you give the person a chance to tell the truth. That’s their window to step up and make it right. If they refuse to do so, they’re choosing not to save the relationship and prioritising protecting their lie over everything.

What did he catch her doing exactly though ? Everyone here is saying she's cheated on him. He's caught her texting someone else on her phone and lying about it...that's it. Some people saying she cheated on him at the after party and that she was probably gone off with him, when he's found out that wasn't the case at all. People are jumping to a lot of conclusions. He's given her the chance to come clean, they've had a serious sit down talk about it - I maintain he's got to say to her to pull the plug on her relationship with the other man, no more messaging etc - i was in a similar situation myself (no cheating involved) and gave the relationship a chance, it didnt work out but i felt better that I had done everything i could to have saved it. I had no regrets. She didn't want to put in the effort on her side and in the end even though I was angry / felt like a fool etc for a bit ... i got comfort in the fact i left no stone unturned to fight for something i believed in.
Anyway, the OP will know best. If she continues to belittle / argue with him then it could be time to pull the plug in either case. I agree with you as well to trust your gut. That was the first piece of advice i gave on here. That gut instinct of 'there's something not right here' is 99% right in any situation.

matthewmurdock

Nerdlingr wrote: »

What did he catch her doing exactly though ? Everyone here is saying she's cheated on him. He's caught her texting someone else on her phone and lying about it...that's it. Some people saying she cheated on him at the after party and that she was probably gone off with him, when he's found out that wasn't the case at all. People are jumping to a lot of conclusions. He's given her the chance to come clean

He caught her in a number of lies, a story which changed every time she was caught in another lie.

She's admitted to what she was caught doing. You would have to be a complete idiot not to expect that far worse was going on here. Why would you take her at her word when she repeatedly lied? Why would you expect anything that she said to be the truth when she purposefully deleted the evidence!?!

How did he find out it wasnt the case that she went off after the party?

She's made a fool out of him. It's as clear as day that she's cheated on him and you're on here telling people that she didn't because she says she didn't, despite lying at every single opportunity thus far. Baffling stuff. :rolleyes:

Nerdlingr

matthewmurdock wrote: »

He caught her in a number of lies, a story which changed every time she was caught in another lie.

She's admitted to what she was caught doing. You would have to be a complete idiot not to expect that far worse was going on here. Why would you take her at her word when she repeatedly lied? Why would you expect anything that she said to be the truth when she purposefully deleted the evidence!?!

How did he find out it wasnt the case that she went off after the party?

She's made a fool out of him. It's as clear as day that she's cheated on him and you're on here telling people that she didn't because she says she didn't, despite lying at every single opportunity thus far. Baffling stuff. :rolleyes:

Are you baffled? cos you sound it alright.
I haven't said she didn't cheat on him. Where did i say that?
"Its clear as day she cheated on him".... is it? The fact is we dont know if she did or not. Yes she lied about the messages and covering them up, and that would set alarm bells ringing. But... the OP doesn't know whether she cheated or not. All the signs would seem to suggest that way...but the fact is we dont know for sure.
What if she hasn't cheated but their relationship is going through a bit of a rough patch and this other guy has been showing her some attention which she has inappropriately acted on via texts . What if they have a discussion about it and agree to work it out and they come out the other side stronger for it? If he takes the advice of some on here to just dump her, that he believes shes cheated, its 'obvious',... then he doesnt get the chance to work at a relationship he deeply cares about. Naive and all as that may be to some.

valoren

She denied that she'd been texting him at all. Then it turns out that she actually was texting him. She has lied to you and after you talk it out, instead of being contrite and pensive she has the brazenness to actually pick arguments with you? Find fault in things you do? She obviously has no respect for you. She could have at least pretended to be sorry. Her apology is an empty and hollow one and I think her attitude in the aftermath of getting exposed while “in the process” of cheating on you would be the deal breaker for me.

Neyite

Would you both be open to counselling? I think it would be beneficial as the communication around a situation like this is difficult anyway but it sounds like the house is fairly tense right now and with kids and the busy Christmas there's even more than normal stresses and strains.



Counselling will allow you both to figure out what you are both feeling and help you to communicate with each other. And it's not necessarily for people wanting to reconcile, it can also be a way to manage a calm separation if you feel that's where you both are heading.



You don't have to make a decision about your relationship now. And if you do, it's ok in a couple of months to change your mind if that's what you want. A lot of people feel that if they don't leave in the immediate aftermath of a [alleged] cheating event, they feel like they lost their chance and need to stick with the partner because they promised to give them another chance. But that's not the case. It's ok to have a good think over it all, and take your time doing it, and make a decision that suits you best at some point down the line. But what I would say is quietly look into what the situation might be should you decide to separate. It's no harm to be informed of all options.

leggo

What people are saying about giving it a try is all true, and it's all well and good if that's what happens. But that's not what's happening.

To do that, she would need to confess, give him the full facts so he could make up his mind, show contrition and let him know what she's going to do to ensure this doesn't happen in the future. That would reset the relationship to a healthy, equal level that could allow them to work through a rough patch.

What's actually happened is that he's accepted her lie without challenging it because it's difficult breaking up at Christmas. That's what he said. She hasn't admitted wrongdoing, she's holding firm in her initial lie despite clear, obvious evidence to the contrary, and all she's apologised for is how it looks. She's not respecting him, she hasn't repaired trust, she hasn't made this an equal situation and already they're experiencing residual problems with that. Without trust, respect and honesty, there is no relationship. It's not just that people are rushing the OP to break up with his partner. It's that she's already communicated that she's not willing to give him those things so she's left him with nowhere to go beyond just accepting the bad offer he's gotten, which unfortunately he has.

LegacyUser

The reason she’s in bad form is she’s missing her little fix with the lad whether that’s just texting or a lot more
The whole thing is creepy . Is she Narcissistic?

tara73

OP, strangely, many of the posters here assuming she cheated full on, meaning she had sex with this guy. This is pure speculation, my perception is more she got involved with this guy emotionally for an ego boost for whatever reasons but didn't actually had any physical contact with him.

Could be also she had, but we actually don't know (as you..) It was confirmed from friends she didn't leave the party to meet him as you feared, I think some poster here missed that information.

So anyway, you decided to give her another chance, which is fine and just wanted to give another balance to all this posts 'sure she cheated full on', but nobody but herself and (this) other guy(s) knows this for sure.

sReq | uTeK

Take the phone. Text the delivery lad "fancy round 2 (reference the party night or date) you'll very quickly know if you're a mug or it was purely texting.

However even the texting for me, shed be on the sofa until she begged for forgiveness and I say that with 3 young kids.

You may well have given her less attention, but come and discuss this with you, when you dont and you seek the affections of another man.....game over

ShaShaBear

Nerdlingr wrote: »

What if she hasn't cheated but their relationship is going through a bit of a rough patch and this other guy has been showing her some attention which she has inappropriately acted on via texts.

That's called emotional cheating, mate. Still cheating. This is what we are all saying. Not that she's off having sex with him and having a good laugh about it (because I don't believe she's clever enough given that she's been texting the lad on the couch and panicking when her partner comes back into the room). We are all saying that lying about texting someone, then lying about encouraging the texting, then lying about reciprocating the texting and then lying about how far the texting has gone all the while deleting evidence is a sure sign of some form of cheating - even if she's just egging him on for an ego boost, it's behaving inappropriately with another person in secret behind her partner's back. That's cheating.

Confused dad

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

leggo

Jealousy is a big telltale sign. I think you’re doing the right thing and will look back on this as a smart decision OP. Good luck.

cd07

You're doing the right thing mate. Neither your daughter or you need someone like that in your lives. Best of luck with everything

ManOfMystery

Confused dad wrote: »

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

And this really sums it up.

She has some neck on her. Brazen enough to conduct an emotional affair (and that's a best case scenario assumption) under your nose, but also give you a hard time over genuine and totally innocent parenting queries from your ex.

Have some pride in yourself, and your worth. Get rid, and don't look back. You sound a decent and level-headed guy, and there's plenty of females out there who will appreciate you more than she can.

leggo

ManOfMystery wrote: »

She has some neck on her. Brazen enough to conduct an emotional affair (and that's a best case scenario assumption) under your nose, but also give you a hard time over genuine and totally innocent parenting queries from your ex.

It's not even a case of brass neck once you understand the psychology behind it. It's projection. A person typically has to, at all times, feel like they are fundamentally 'good' (we're all the hero of our own stories and all that), so when there's some huge bit of evidence like this pointing to the contrary, they'll tell themselves stuff like "Well everyone does this anyway, he's probably cheating on me sure. If I feel this way then he must anyway because I'm not a selfish/bad person." It's a defence mechanism.

That's not me defending or rationalising on her behalf. If anything, it's just more evidence to add to the pile that OP's initial suspicions were dead on the money.

Kidchameleon

Stay strong OP. Prepare for shaming language and a pushback. But this woman is trash

DonnaDarko09

Confused dad wrote: »

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

Is this a usual reaction for her or out of character? Has she questioned your relationship with your ex before? You painted your relationship as rock solid in your OP but I wonder was the writing on the wall already, before you discovered these messages.
Does she have a tendency to be jealous?

PARlance

DonnaDarko09 wrote: »

Is this a usual reaction for her or out of character? Has she questioned your relationship with your ex before? You painted your relationship as rock solid in your OP but I wonder was the writing on the wall already, before you discovered these messages.
Does she have a tendency to be jealous?

Imo, she got caught cheating and has been starting fights since to turn it around on the OP.

Well done OP, mind your kids and yourself.

leggo

leggo wrote: »

. It's projection. A person typically has to, at all times, feel like they are fundamentally 'good' (we're all the hero of our own stories and all that), so when there's some huge bit of evidence like this pointing to the contrary, they'll tell themselves stuff like "Well everyone does this anyway, he's probably cheating on me sure. If I feel this way then he must anyway because I'm not a selfish/bad person." It's a defence mechanism.

Not everyone is like this, only mentally weak narcissists who are capable of anything by convincing themselves they are a "good person". OP your wife is in this category.

My ex girlfriend told me a string of lies about a guy she met online and was texting. "We're just friends" etc.

She now lives with him in Denmark.

My advice: get out.

leggo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Not everyone is like this, only mentally weak narcissists who are capable of anything by convincing themselves they are a "good person". OP your wife is in this category.

That’s true but is also implicit by her actions. A more self-reflective person probably wouldn’t cheat, lie or point fingers to begin with. But if you get someone ticking all of the above boxes, that tends to be the end result, and OP can content himself at this difficult time that his gut is right and proven by the experiences of others.

Millionaire only not

Confused dad wrote: »

I thank everyone for their advice. I have decided to.get things in order and prepare to end the relationship. Final straw was this evening. My daughters mother called me tonight to ask me if I would mind taking my daughter for a haircut at the weekend. My partner ripped into me after the call about my ex calling me. Apparently my ex could have taken our daughter for a haircut herself but just called me to "hear my voice".

Had enough now. Time is up for the relationship.

Fair play to u , I’ve experienced the same myself when I was busting my balls to give them everything , borrowed up to my neck to even do it .

I wasn’t always an angel, drink might not agree with me but was very occasionally as I’m not a drinker but I never cheated , so at times I blamed myself!
Anyway did councelling waste of time she bolted when came to sex at the meetings.

now in a house , separate rooms with 10 years it’s complete joke , kids have nearly grown up , thank god .
She has turned into a complete nut job and I haven’t the balls to move on .

I now have had numerous affairs of which I’m not proud of and now a gf we meet for sex mostly with last 4 years but I have been selfish not to make a commitment !

I have turned into a total prick myself over not moving on !
Anyway my point , when trust is broke and the fighting continues no will on either side to genuinely make up !
The hatred outweighs the love u have left as u think about the cheating for years , u actually never get over it in my mind .

Get out soon as ur affairs are in order and sooner rather than later as Ull become used of a marriage that only exists on paper and for the neighbours!