Is Adult Children Living in the Family Home a Good Thing?

Cyrus

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

You are probably about 20% right I would say. Home most weekends but not everyone, might bring one dinner if there was left overs but not always and I’d cook most of the week. If I was going home I’d bring washing if I wasn’t I’d do it. I still have the core group of friends that we formed in 1st year in secondary school but I made loads of others through work from all over the world.

I still don’t see the need to do a lot of what you have especially the need to “struggle” in order to have “grown up”. There is plenty of struggles in life without going outside your comfort zone in regards to where you live, type of place you live, people you live with etc if it’s not necessary. Yes some people have no choice but I see no reason to willingly do it.

thats a lot more than 20% right there nox, more like 95%

lainey_d_123

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

You are probably about 20% right I would say. Home most weekends but not everyone, might bring one dinner if there was left overs but not always and I’d cook most of the week. If I was going home I’d bring washing if I wasn’t I’d do it. I still have the core group of friends that we formed in 1st year in secondary school but I made loads of others through work from all over the world.

I still don’t see the need to do a lot of what you have especially the need to “struggle” in order to have “grown up”. There is plenty of struggles in life without going outside your comfort zone in regards to where you live, type of place you live, people you live with etc if it’s not necessary. Yes some people have no choice but I see no reason to willingly do it.

Going home almost every weekend isn't 'living away'. It's staying near work Monday-Friday. Completely different experience to actually being self sufficient.

I don't think there's any point in going back and forth because you clearly don't know what you missed out on. It's fairly obvious to most people here that your world view is very narrow and you have very fixed ideas about things and limited capacity for empathy...I don't think that's remotely a coincidence.

foodie86

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'd consider 'normal' along the lines of 'what the vast majority of people do'. Nox keeps trying to argue that it's perfectly normal and common for adults to live at home and get their washing and cooking done into their thirties...it just isn't.

I'd class formative experiences as things that shape you, away from your families and the values you grew up with. Things that challenge your world view. Grown adults are not supposed to be exactly like their parents and think exactly like them. When you meet people who are 35 and talk and act like a 70-year-old farmer, it's a sign they haven't ever developed a personality and opinions of their own. How can you fully choose your lifestyle when you've never experienced anything else?

There's nothing condescending about thinking that people should leave home and live their own lives instead of staying in the comfortable bubble they grew up in. I don't know why you're making it about money or opportunity because Nox's parents are clearly very wealthy. Mine are very poor and that's part of the reason I had to leave at a young age and carve out my own path. I've had plenty of hard times and challenges along the way but have met all sorts of people, done all sorts of things and developed as a person since I left school. As someone else said, you *need* challenges to become a rounded, mature person. Taking the easy, comfortable route every single time and being enabled to do so doesn't exactly make someone a wordly person.

Yes but just because it’s not your norm doesn’t mean it isn’t anyone else’s

Coming from an agri background I know plenty of people 30+ who live near home and have their dinner there 7 days a week. It’s not enabling it’s just a different way of life that so many can not grasp.
I can’t see what the problem with sharing meals with family is? It’s the norm for many families I know and these are males/females who are married.

It’s not just living away that can give people experiences work, clubs, groups, unions etc all offer people a way of meeting other people and challenging their views.

And it is a very condescending attitude when not everyone has the opportunity to move away. Anyone I know who farms full time did not live away for college and it’s most certainly not the easy route.
Your making it out to be the be all and end all in shaping a person when it’s ridiculous.

Sunny Disposition

Was living in London in my mid and late teens, renting a room. Tough going at the time, although it didn't do me any harm in the long run. Still, don't think it was a good thing to be in that kind of situation so young. Moving at 18/19 is okay, might do people some good. If you're 16 years old and living unsupervised in a city with every vice available, its just luck as to whether you stay on the rails or not. Have a son living with me now in his early 30s, like that he's here tbh, but of course I wouldn't expect him to stay if he didn't want to.

BrokenArrows

Generally the answer is No, but there are obvious exceptions.

Temporarily living there with a plan to leave asap is ok as long as they are working towards being independent.
Contributes to the housework, cooking, cleaning, financial contributions.
Not acting or being treated like a child by the parents. If the parents treat them like a child then they should not be living at home.
They must be mature with a good mature social life, not sitting at home all day and night.

I work with a guy who is 33, lives at home, commutes 2 hours each way every day to the office costing him about 6k a year. He has no intention of leaving because he's a complete mummy's boy, and doesn't see it. He says he doesn't want to move closer to the office because "it's too expensive". Doesn't want to understand that 6k a year in travel costs could easily get him a room in shared accommodation nevermind him getting 4 hours a day back in his life.

Someone like that needs to be kicked out of the house by the parents so they can grow up.

He's well on track to be a single 50 year old still living at home.

BrokenArrows

BrokenArrows wrote: »

Someone like that needs to be kicked out of the house by the parents so they can grow up.

He's well on track to be a single 50 year old still living at home.

Why? He is obviously happy doing it and its what he wants? It’s not usual for one child never to leave home, certainly not in my parents generation anyway. I would have family members and would know plenty around the area who never left, they got married moved in their husband/wife and then after the parents passed away they inherited the house and are living away happily with their own families now.

end of the road

BrokenArrows wrote: »

Generally the answer is No, but there are obvious exceptions.

Temporarily living there with a plan to leave asap is ok as long as they are working towards being independent.
Contributes to the housework, cooking, cleaning, financial contributions.
Not acting or being treated like a child by the parents. If the parents treat them like a child then they should not be living at home.
They must be mature with a good mature social life, not sitting at home all day and night.

I work with a guy who is 33, lives at home, commutes 2 hours each way every day to the office costing him about 6k a year. He has no intention of leaving because he's a complete mummy's boy, and doesn't see it. He says he doesn't want to move closer to the office because "it's too expensive". Doesn't want to understand that 6k a year in travel costs could easily get him a room in shared accommodation nevermind him getting 4 hours a day back in his life.

Someone like that needs to be kicked out of the house by the parents so they can grow up.

He's well on track to be a single 50 year old still living at home.

to be fair, he may get a couple of hours of his life back, but spending that 6 grand on shared accommodation isn't exactly a great investment either.
he's not missing out on anything, and that is from someone who did the shared accommodation back in the day and had good experiences over all. however had i not done it i would not have missed out on anything special or anything i would have regretted not doing.

andekwarhola

Hate the idea of wanting your kids out of the house as soon as possible myself. My house is always their house but there are variables obviously: house size, finances etc. Obvious scenarios like saving for a place, homelessness; a sick parent or your kids splitting up with a spouse aside, it's a bit strange to think of one of your kids still being in the nest at, say late 30s onwards.

SozBbz

andekwarhola wrote: »

Hate the idea of wanting your kids out of the house as soon as possible myself. My house is always their house but there are variables obviously: house size, finances etc. Obvious scenarios like saving for a place, homelessness; a sick parent or your kids splitting up with a spouse aside, it's a bit strange to think of one of your kids still being in the nest at, say late 30s onwards.

obvious scenarios aside - you think it only becomes strange in the late 30's? Thats half a lifetime!

My parents gave me my first months rent and deposit when I moved our after finishing college when I was 22. Eased me over the hump so to speak.

I've never properly lived at home since save for a few months when I was waiting for a property sale to go through where the timelines kept slipping which meant is was impossible for me to commit to a new rental and I'd already given up my previous one based on the original timeline.

In contrast, my first cousin (our mothers are sisters) is now 38 and has never meaningfully moved out, apart from a few months living in european cities teaching english, and that must be 10 years ago now.

She's never had a secure job, always lots of insecure part time jobs and in my opinion (and my mothers) she's been allowed to flounder. She can pay her way day to day given that she has no rent to content with (think she contributes a little) but she wouldnt have much in the way of savings and no pension or health insurance etc.

Herself and her mother are in this weird co-dependent situation where they struggle to live together (they clash often) but equally neither of them can cut the cord.

Back when I was 22 and being somewhat pushed out the door, my mother cited cousin as a reason why it was important that I moved out. That was 12 years ago now! I can't help but think my mother was right.

I think parents should want their adult children to move out because its good for them. Its part of natural development to become self sufficient. If you're never challenged, then you never know what you're capable of. Parents who actively want to keep their adult children at home are doing them a disservice IMO.

Sunny Disposition

It can be a good thing for sure, if all parties are happy.
Have one still with me in his 30s. For his own sake I’d like him to get his own place in the next few years, but no pressure in him. He had a tough break up and a job loss around the same time, near the end of the recession. Back on his feet now a while and will probably want to move on soon.

AulWan

SozBbz wrote: »

I think parents should want their adult children to move out because its good for them. Its part of natural development to become self sufficient. If you're never challenged, then you never know what you're capable of. Parents who actively want to keep their adult children at home are doing them a disservice IMO.

I couldn't agree more.

Naos

Never understood this whole 'bringing home the washing' thing.

It seems to be far more effort to pack everything, haul it home and back again rather than just washing it yourself.

end of the road

Naos wrote: »

Never understood this whole 'bringing home the washing' thing.

It seems to be far more effort to pack everything, haul it home and back again rather than just washing it yourself.

it seems to be more a stereotype of students or just rural students more then an actual wide spread thing.

Jamsiek

Alyssa Substantial Mastiff wrote: »

I would not want to eat stuff prepared by other people in a house share.

Depends on who you live with. When I was in college, my housemates were like brothers to me and we always ate together, drank together, house parties, etc. They are now life long friends.
Looks like you lived with the wrong people and that has clouded your judgement.

Ballso

Jamsiek wrote: »

Depends on who you live with. When I was in college, my housemates were like brothers to me and we always ate together, drank together, house parties, etc.
Looks like you lived with the wrong people and that has clouded your judgement.

Doesn't matter who these manchildren lived with, only food prepared the way their Mammy has made it since they were babies is acceptable. Perfect illustration of how being babied into adulthood stunts personal growth.

Graham

Mod Note

Thread split.

Heart Break Kid

30% rent and 15%-20% back when you move out always seemed fair

end of the road

Ballso wrote: »

Doesn't matter who these manchildren lived with, only food prepared the way their Mammy has made it since they were babies is acceptable. Perfect illustration of how being babied into adulthood stunts personal growth.

well no, it's not an illistration of such, as for it to be so, one would have to show that the individual for who the claim is being made against, is in fact, showing of those characteristics which apparently show the illestration to be true.
to be fair to nox, there is nothing in his posts that suggests he is a manchild, was babied into adult hood, or has had his personal growth stunted in any way.
he has a different perspective to us yes, but while i disagree with much of his views, from what i have seen of some of his posts, i am satisfied that he is actually a well rounded individual, with no evidence of anything stunted.

AulWan

end of the road wrote: »

well no, it's not an illistration of such, as for it to be so, one would have to show that the individual for who the claim is being made against, is in fact, showing of those characteristics which apparently show the illestration to be true.
to be fair to nox, there is nothing in his posts that suggests he is a manchild, was babied into adult hood, or has had his personal growth stunted in any way.
he has a different perspective to us yes, but while i disagree with much of his views, from what i have seen of some of his posts, i am satisfied that he is actually a well rounded individual, with no evidence of anything stunted.

You must be reading different threads then the rest of us, then.

end of the road

AulWan wrote: »

You must be reading different threads then the rest of us, then.

no, not at all, i'm reading the same threads.
very simply, i understand the perspectives of people such as the individual mentioned, where they come from, what and why they believe what they believe.
their way of life is normal to them, therefore it is ultimately normal, even if others may disagree with it, as we do, or at least certain aspects.
our version of normal isn't normal to them, and that's fine, that's just the way the world works. i can even see why they would not agree with parts of our normality or not regret experiencing them.
there are certain aspects of our normality which, if i had not experienced them, i would not have regretted not doing so myself. and there are certain aspects, such as for example, not going traveling which i didn't experience, and have no regrets about it what so ever. it didn't interest me and i certainly am and was not going to do things to suit others.

AulWan

If you think a 30/40 something year old living between their parents and their spouse, while working, and getting their meals cooked and washing done by his mother is anywhere near "normal" and also never contributing a cent towards their living costs, then I'm sorry, I can't help you.

end of the road

AulWan wrote: »

If you think a 30/40 something year old living between their parents and their spouse, while working, and getting their meals cooked and washing done by his mother is anywhere near "normal" and also never contributing a cent towards their living costs, then I'm sorry, I can't help you.

except he is contributing.
as he said himself, he pays for the internet, and he helps out on the farm to a large amount. that is contributing, whether you agree with it or not. farming is quite heavy work, i even know that, so if he is helping out and he says he is, and i have no reason to not believe him, then his contribution is actually massive.
the reason he is living at home is because he is going to be building a house, and his wife and him will be moving in there once it is built, and obviously he will want to be spending quality time with his wife, hence staying at her property from time to time. and if he is back in the homeplace anyway, and his parents are cooking, i can understand why they would just cook for him as well, if he is busy helping on the farm, as it's using less gas/electricity/whatever powers the cooker. i believe he actually does his own washing, unless the machine is going on anyway and happens to have some available, for which again, i can see the point, as it's using less electricity. sure, such a way is not for me either, but i get why it is for him and others.
it's a simple case of reading his posts, taking in the information and actually thinking about it, rather then just dismissing him because he doesn't operate in the way you want him to do so, for which he has no obligation to do so.
how he operates is normal to him, it's normal to his parents, friends and family, if any of them had an issue with it, it wouldn't be happening and it wouldn't be normal behaviour for people in such communities.
so yes, i'm afraid it is normal, even if you disagree with it fully, and i disagree with certain aspects of it even if i understand them and why individuals engage in such.

AulWan

end of the road wrote: »

except he is contributing.
as he said himself, he pays for the internet, and he helps out on the farm to a large amount. that is contributing, whether you agree with it or not. farming is quite heavy work, i even know that, so if he is helping out and he says he is, and i have no reason to not believe him, then his contribution is actually massive.
the reason he is living at home is because he is going to be building a house, and his wife and him will be moving in there once it is built, and obviously he will want to be spending quality time with his wife, hence staying at her property from time to time. and if he is back in the homeplace anyway, and his parents are cooking, i can understand why they would just cook for him as well, if he is busy helping on the farm, as it's using less gas/electricity/whatever powers the cooker. i believe he actually does his own washing, unless the machine is going on anyway and happens to have some available, for which again, i can see the point, as it's using less electricity. sure, such a way is not for me either, but i get why it is for him and others.
it's a simple case of reading his posts, taking in the information and actually thinking about it, rather then just dismissing him because he doesn't operate in the way you want him to do so, for which he has no obligation to do so.
how he operates is normal to him, it's normal to his parents, friends and family, if any of them had an issue with it, it wouldn't be happening and it wouldn't be normal behaviour for people in such communities.
so yes, i'm afraid it is normal, even if you disagree with it fully, and i disagree with certain aspects of it even if i understand them and why individuals engage in such.

I've read the threads, and I do disagree. Completely. It's not normal for anyone who claims to have a high paying full time job and a wife, (both facts I actually doubt are real) to still be living off their parents, but if you want to think it is normal, then you go right ahead.

pablo128

It's a bit sickening to see one person being singled out too, and some of his posts deliberately misinterpreted.

By more than one poster too.

end of the road

AulWan wrote: »

I've read the threads, and I do disagree. Completely. It's not normal for anyone who claims to have a high paying full time job and a wife, (both facts I actually doubt are real) to still be living off their parents, but if you want to think it is normal, then you go right ahead.

it's not about what i personally think is normal, in fact a few aspects of the so-called normality aren't normal to me, and even a few of them that are, aren't so great as to be the b all and end all if someone doesn't experience them.

Graham

Mod Note

Ok folks, enough with the psychological profiling of Peyton Weak Ragweed please.

Assetbacked

pablo128 wrote: »

It's a bit sickening to see one person being singled out too, and some of his posts deliberately misinterpreted.

By more than one poster too.

"sickening"? That is incredibly melodramatic and speaks of desperation in a losing battle.

pablo128

Assetbacked wrote: »

"sickening"? That is incredibly melodramatic and speaks of desperation in a losing battle.

I didn't know there was a competition ongoing here.

mr_fegelien

Probably not a good idea seeing as thats why mr_fegelien is here all the time

AulWan

Do you regularly refer to yourself in the third person?