I'm jealous of his female friend

The Young Wan

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He and I have known this friend for about a year. He has been close to her for about six months.

Their closeness is really starting to be an issue. We have been fighting about it for five days straight, to the point where we almost broke up last night. The problem is all on me.

I am convinced he and her are "meant to be together and I'm in their way", because they have so much in common. He has reassured me constantly this is not the case and he only has platonic feelings towards her. They speak almost every day. She came to visit us on Friday for the weekend, and we have been really ****ty to each other since.

I at one point read the messages between them. When he found out I did this, their conversation moved to an app that's password protected. I found out the password recently and read the messages. This caused the fight yesterday and was the reason we nearly broke up.

I've already signed up to go to therapy to work through some issues but it won't be available until March or so.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? I love my partner very much and am really desperate to fix all of this.

Telly

If it was all innocent then why did he change how he messages her? Sounds like your worries are correct. How has he got so close to a woman while in a long term relationship? It sounds very fishy.

redcup342

The Young Wan wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He and I have known this friend for about a year. He has been close to her for about six months.

Their closeness is really starting to be an issue. We have been fighting about it for five days straight, to the point where we almost broke up last night. The problem is all on me.

I am convinced he and her are "meant to be together and I'm in their way", because they have so much in common. He has reassured me constantly this is not the case and he only has platonic feelings towards her. They speak almost every day. She came to visit us on Friday for the weekend, and we have been really ****ty to each other since.

I at one point read the messages between them. When he found out I did this, their conversation moved to an app that's password protected. I found out the password recently and read the messages. This caused the fight yesterday and was the reason we nearly broke up.

I've already signed up to go to therapy to work through some issues but it won't be available until March or so.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? I love my partner very much and am really desperate to fix all of this.

Better you split up now, doesn’t sound worth it.
I would say moving over to a password protected app sounds extremely fishy.

IMO there might be something going on but neither of them want to admit it.

Xterminator

I am convinced he and her are "meant to be together and I'm in their way",

Hi OP

no one on boards.ie knows exactly what is going on in your relationship. Its all speculation.

But look at what you said there. You are basically saying you believe they should be together. That mindset is self defeating - the relationship cannot work if you start from that position.

You have 2 choices - decide this isn't the right relationship for you, or commit 100% and give it a real try. If there is no trust, id say leave now.

LuciX

The Young Wan wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years.
I love my partner very much and am really desperate to fix all of this.

Partner...

A few weeks ago you started a long thread whinging about your boyfriend having a close relationship with his family and visiting them every weekend.

Now the issue is has changed to his friend.

I hope he leaves as its the only way to protect his sanity.

I'll not say many women would die to have a relationship with a Saint (that he is for putting up with your insecurities) as I don't know what he looks like or what his personality is like but you must work on yourself. Boards is not the answer to every problem.

If you were away from home (as you are) and alone this time of year I bet you would turn to boards for comfort. I have a good job, nice friends but I feel so empty etc.

You are bloody lucky to find him in the first place!

Look at the miror every day and thank God, the angels, budda, the relationship fairy and everyone else you can think of.

A supermodel can pick and choose who she wants. Most of us can't. You... Cop on.

MarkY91

He only moved to a password protection once the OP was caught reading his messages. So his reason is somewhat justified. Definitely not a reason to break up. I'm more inclined to say the boyfriend should do the breaking up if anyone.

baby and crumble

The Young Wan wrote: »

I at one point read the messages between them. When he found out I did this, their conversation moved to an app that's password protected. I found out the password recently and read the messages. This caused the fight yesterday and was the reason we nearly broke up.

I'm assuming since you haven't said you read anything dodgy that the messages you managed to read, even in the password protected app, are completely innocent? People can be friends with others of the gender they find attractive without actually having an affair - emotional or otherwise - with them, otherwise bisexual people would be in capable of having friends!

Everyone needs friends that they can talk to, without having to relay everything back to their partner. FFS everyone needs an outlet to talk about their partner too, for that matter.

The Young Wan wrote: »

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? I love my partner very much and am really desperate to fix all of this.

Yes, believe him when he says he wants you, and is simply friends with this other girl. Let him have friends, and pastimes, and activities that don't include you, because that's healthy in every relationship. Get some friends and activities of your own, too, for that matter, so you can see outside of the relationship.

You need to realise that this mess is of your own doing. You are in control of how you react to jealousy and all other emotions. You cannot - and should not - try to control whom your boyfriend is friends with and can talk to.

ManOfMystery

The Young Wan wrote: »

I at one point read the messages between them. When he found out I did this, their conversation moved to an app that's password protected. I found out the password recently and read the messages. This caused the fight yesterday and was the reason we nearly broke up.

And did the messages contain anything other than innocent chat between platonic friends?

Unless you have found messages or other evidence of something illicit going on, it sounds like this is all based purely on jealousy and paranoia in your own head. Despite assertions otherwise, plenty of men and women are capable of being friends without romance or sex. Not everyone has an attraction to every member of the opposite sex. Plenty of people don't click in that way and are more like brothers and sisters.

In my experience, people with jealousy and insecurity issues who try to 'rein in' their partners' friendships find that they inevitably end up single - which is fairly self-defeating when you think about it.

I don't blame your boyfriend for using a password now. Being in a relationship does not mean people have to give up all their privacy, or let their partner read private conversations between them and their friends or family.

Until you attend your therapy, I think you really need to think about why you are feeling so insecure. Were you cheated on in the past? Did something happen in childhood? Has your boyfriend misbehaved before? If you've had no issues in your current relationship then you are essentially expecting your partner to pay the price for things that have happened before he was around, and this will only sabotage your relationship.

The Young Wan

ManOfMystery wrote: »

And did the messages contain anything other than innocent chat between platonic friends?

The only thing was they were talking about a guy she's hooking up with, and she said "damn now I want sex."
He went "sorry" and the zip mouth emoji
She also told him she would like to go to a fetish club at some time.

Dial Hard

The Young Wan wrote: »

The only thing was they were talking about a guy she's hooking up with, and she said "damn now I want sex."
He went "sorry" and the zip mouth emoji
She also told him she would like to go to a fetish club at some time.

I think people are being overly harsh on the OP based on her previous thread. There are more red flags in this situation than Croke Park during a Cork all-Ireland final.

baby and crumble

The Young Wan wrote: »

The only thing was they were talking about a guy she's hooking up with, and she said "damn now I want sex."
He went "sorry" and the zip mouth emoji
She also told him she would like to go to a fetish club at some time.

That honestly sounds like friends talking. I don't see what you have to worry about.

dmm82

baby and crumble wrote: »

That honestly sounds like friends talking. I don't see what you have to worry about.

I disagree with this. I think it's very inappropriate to be having a conversation like this with someone who is in a relationship, I would never in a million years text my friends boyfriends discussing sex or how horny I am. Especially not in a password protected conversation. It would be different if they were friends years,before the OP came on the scene, but this is a girl he met after he started going out with the OP.

This wouldn't sit right with me OP. It could genuinely be platonic on his part but it sounds to me like she is trying to move in on him. I'd be very wary of this

Lotus Flower

I also think people are being too harsh on the OP. Obviously men and women can be platonic friends but talking almost every day? I have a platonic male friend since school and we used to talk every day but when he got together with his girlfriend years ago we stopped talking every day.

As for the fetish club and "damn I want sex" thats a blatant attempt to get him thinking of her in a sexual way.

OP, don't really have any advice for you other than to sit down and tell him how uncomfortable you feel by all this. If he's genuine he will put you first. If not, there's your answer

jimmycrackcorm

Telly wrote: »

If it was all innocent then why did he change how he messages her? Sounds like your worries are correct. How has he got so close to a woman while in a long term relationship? It sounds very fishy.

Because he is entitled to talk to his friend in privacy. He might want to confide in his friend about the OP for advice as friends do.
The OP has no entitlement to his privacy.

Lotus Flower

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Because he is entitled to talk to his friend in privacy. He might want to confide in his friend about the OP for advice as friends do.
The OP has no entitlement to his privacy.

I agree that everyone is entitled to privacy but this situation is extremely dodgy.

Furthermore, even if what you say is true that he wants to discuss the OP with his "friend", it seems disloyal, its not like shes a friend he has known for years. He has known her for less time than his actual girlfriend.

Beau Bennett

dmm82 wrote: »

. I think it's very inappropriate to be having a conversation like this with someone who is in a relationship, I would never in a million years text my friends boyfriends discussing sex or how horny I am. Especially not in a password protected conversation. It would be different if they were friends years,before the OP came on the scene, but this is a girl he met after he started going out with the OP.

But all we have to go on is the boyfriends response...."sorry" [mouth zipped emoji]....which was quite acceptable and seemed to infer that he thinks it's not something she should have written.

It's normal for friends to be close enough to talk about it. I've had a female friend ask me advise on her sex life....and like the OP''s bf I didn't get involved as I'm quite reserved.

I have worked with a lot of women and it seems the normal for females to talk about their sex lives among other work colleagues. And they are not close.

PI seems trigger happy shouting "Dump him" at the slightest sneeze.

Calypso Realm

dmm82 wrote: »

This wouldn't sit right with me OP. It could genuinely be platonic on his part but it sounds to me like she is trying to move in on him. I'd be very wary of this

And me. Hell no, I wouldn't like this at all! While he most probably regards it differently, I would be suspicious of her. No way would I converse like this with someone else's partner! If this were an old friend, it would be somewhat different but a recent one and someone you don't really know well!

How did this friendship evolve? Where did you meet her? Has she many other friends?

dmm82

Beau Bennett wrote: »

But all we have to go on is the boyfriends response...."sorry" [mouth zipped emoji]....which was quite acceptable and seemed to infer that he thinks it's not something she should have written.

It's normal for friends to be close enough to talk about it. I've had a female friend ask me advise on her sex life....and like the OP''s bf I didn't get involved as I'm quite reserved.

I have worked with a lot of women and it seems the normal for females to talk about their sex lives among other work colleagues. And they are not close.

PI seems trigger happy shouting "Dump him" at the slightest sneeze.

Yes in general chit chat, not in a private password protected chat with another girls boyfriend. I've discussed sex plenty of times with Male friends but never in a situation like this.

bitofabind

How is your boyfriend otherwise OP? Is he loving and communicative? Does he make you feel safe and supported?

You sound like someone with an anxious attachment style, if the multiple threads about the same guy are anything to go by. If he's someone whose behaviour is generally a bit inconsistent and non-committal then the likelihood is everything he does that's not with you is going to trigger your insecurities. Including family time and this female friendship.

The sad fact of this is that the needy behaviour you're exerting atm is likely to push your OH away eventually, if not imminently. So it's counter-productive.

So if something is not working, what can you do? Well, the opposite behaviour. Take a step back. Stop invading your partner's privacy and let him do as he wishes. Try to find a therapist that's not unavailable for the next four months. Find one that's free in January. Start exercising and meditating daily. And breathe. Let things ride out for a while. You don't need to make any immediate decisions.

This woman is not a threat, your insecurities and subsequent behaviours are. Even if she's got dishonest intentions, he can only be swayed if he's not 100% committed to you in the first place. Which means the relationship has no shelf life at all. So ignore her and focus on what you CAN control - which is your own behaviour.

vikings2012

Hi OP,

I think you need to step back and look at the situation. So far these are only thoughts in your head.

I have a gf and I have a number of friends who happen to be female. I do not however feel any urge to be with them in an intimate way.

Realistically, he can choose who he wants to be with and his choice is you.

Maybe you should approach the situation differently and just be honest and tell him what you are thinking.

LegacyUser

A few things I wouldn’t like if I were in your shoes:
1. Him prioritising his relationship with her over your peace of mind.
2. That he’s only known her a wet weekend.
3. That he password protected his conversations with her.

Things would be different if she were a long term female friend. But that he’s only known her a few months and she’s going on about being so horny is quite inappropriate, in my opinion. I wouldn’t speak to a male friend like that, certainly not one who has a girlfriend, I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

And he shouldn’t really be discussing his relationship with you with her. Where are his other friends?

Lotus Flower

There could be trouble ahead wrote: »

A few things I wouldn’t like if I were in your shoes:
1. Him prioritising his relationship with her over your peace of mind.
2. That he’s only known her a wet weekend.
3. That he password protected his conversations with her.

Things would be different if she were a long term female friend. But that he’s only known her a few months and she’s going on about being so horny is quite inappropriate, in my opinion. I wouldn’t speak to a male friend like that, certainly not one who has a girlfriend, I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

And he shouldn’t really be discussing his relationship with you with her. Where are his other friends?

Agree with every word of this.

The other thing is that it's not just someone who has a crush on him, it's someone he's encouraging by talking to every single day, by having intimate chats with. Now maybe he's naive and doesn't realise how toxic this "friend" is but it's making his girlfriend miserable. How can this friend be more important?

fishy_fishy

I once was in a relationship that wasn't going spectacularly well at the time. He started talking about a mutual friend a bit more. Saw her more. Mentioned how she also liked certain things he liked. I ended up feeling like maybe they would be better off together than we would be.

They're married now.

But here's the thing.. he kept our relationship going. Waited on me to break up with him. And I still think he was a b@stard for that.

Instinct can be sharp. Maybe he's still trying to fool himself that it's a platonic friendship, but there's clearly chemistry between them. Those texts are major red flags. Personally, I would read his behaviour as (probably unconsciously) pushing you to the point where you end things, so he doesn't have to do the dirty work and comes out smelling of roses free to be with her. Meanwhile, you get driven demented, have your sense of security undermined, and get portrayed in all of it as the bunny boiler not letting him have his friend.

I think your instinct is spot on. I wouldn't trust that friendship either. The thing that I would communicate to him is that he's free to leave. He can go be with her or not be with her. Or he can stay with you. But if he wants to stay with you, then he has to accept that his friendship with her can't be the priority above your relationship, and you BOTH have to work on getting to a place where you're both on the same page about normal vs unacceptable behaviour in friendships (which goes both ways).

gmisk

dmm82 wrote: »

I disagree with this. I think it's very inappropriate to be having a conversation like this with someone who is in a relationship, I would never in a million years text my friends boyfriends discussing sex or how horny I am. Especially not in a password protected conversation. It would be different if they were friends years,before the OP came on the scene, but this is a girl he met after he started going out with the OP.

This wouldn't sit right with me OP. It could genuinely be platonic on his part but it sounds to me like she is trying to move in on him. I'd be very wary of this

I agree with the above...I wouldn't consider that a normal thing to text to someone who is a friend

suicide_circus

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."

having secret password protected chats with another woman is not ok.

it wouldnt be accepted in my house, by either of us, and if that makes us insecure and jealous so be it.

poeticjustice

suicide_circus wrote: »

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."

having secret password protected chats with another woman is not ok.

it wouldnt be accepted in my house, by either of us, and if that makes us insecure and jealous so be it.

Would spying on your other half's messages without their permission be accepted in your house?

suicide_circus

poeticjustice wrote: »

Would spying on your other half's messages without their permission be accepted in your house?

No. Neither scenario is acceptable.

strandroad

suicide_circus wrote: »

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."

That's a good quote for you OP I agree.

I remember your other thread and how every weekend you're supposed to travel to see your boyfriend's family who don't make an effort to include you once you're there, and he doesn't intervene to help either. Now you're telling us that he messages his new female friend every day, including sex references, and you're supposed to grin and bear it too.

What is your standing in this entire relationship OP, especially if you live in his country? Why are you supposed to follow whatever he wants and says? What do you get out of it in return?

rondog

OP-A MAJOR red flag is she is putting herself out there with open ended statements and in my opinion she is looking for a response.

'DAMN,now i want sex'-this is an open statement and i think she is looking for your BF to come back with something sexual too so she can slowly build her way into his bed.

Mentioning she wants to go to a fetish club too to me is an open invitation to get into some sexual type of chat with him.

Id be putting brakes on their relationship.

Neyite

If you are at the point where you are reading his messages and cracking passwords to get into more secure apps to read them and he's at the point where he feels the need to password protect his texts, then the relationship is already on it's last legs - with or without her.


There's no trust between either of you. It sounds like it's limping along to be honest and on it's last legs.



So my opinion is that it doesn't look great - but it's not because of her - it's stemming from you, though you don't realise it. It's because there's something that's missing in your relationship to give it the longevity that you are hoping for and he's beginning to see that.

ILoveYourVibes

I would find it odd if my partner was speaking to any friend of any gender EVERY single day.

Something isn't right.

It it were a guy ....i would be saying ..hey you guys see too much of each other.

Rodin

He wants to bang her.
No doubt.