What’s wrong

LegacyUser

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

That’s why I feel like it’s inherent to me - my personality, my looks, me as a package.

It is inherent to you, OP, but not for the reasons you think. It's not looks or your personality or anything else - it is your chronic low self-esteem and yours is on the floor. I've been where you are and I can understand completely how you are feeling. It took years of intense (internal) work on myself to get to a place where I like myself, and I'm still not fully there.

Over and above everything else, you need to work on your self-esteem and I am glad that you have mentioned that you are going to go to therapy. It will help you more than you know.

I will second Porklife on needing to be okay with potentially never finding someone. You have to be okay with this. There isn't a lid for every pot, unfortunately. You need to be at peace with that (it will lessen the longing to meet someone and honestly it takes a weight off your shoulders). Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't, but you need to get busy with living your life for you and loving yourself.

Please delete that app. You say you can't just yet as it's your only link to this guy, but this is the first step in showing yourself some love and kindness. This man is not for you, don't torture yourself with holding on. I say this as someone who has been there and done that, and it is with the benefit of having done it that I can say I was being unkind to myself and only prolonging the upset. What I should have done was delete and block and move on with my life.

Finding someone good and kind might not be a guarantee, but achieving inner happiness and peace is. Start there and see where it takes you.

Extrahotmocha

SozBbz wrote: »

You should also block/unfollow this recent one night stand guy also. Keeping contact with him will do you no good.

Logically, I can completely see your point and even I know deep down these guys aren’t the nicest. But I don’t want to come across as “that girl” who confirms every stereotype when a man changes his mind and she flies off the handle. I kind of try to think of it as “well we are all entitled to change our minds, and I can’t force someone to feel something they don’t.” I know rightly that while this is true, the behaviour of these lads is not right. I know that a guy who sleeps with a girl probably knowing he doesn’t like her personality, doesn’t ask for her number, then waits it out until she messages first, is not a nice guy. I know a guy who love bombs, then runs is not a nice guy. But yeah, it’s pathetic and sad but I still want them to like me. Stupid, cos I’m probably nothing to any of them.

I’m very much struggling to unmatch him as I feel like it’s my only connection for him to reach out, which is unlikely. I just don’t want to feel like all I was good for was one night and at least if he wanted to again, I couldn’t have been that bad.

SozBbz

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Logically, I can completely see your point and even I know deep down these guys aren’t the nicest. But I don’t want to come across as “that girl” who confirms every stereotype when a man changes his mind and she flies off the handle. I kind of try to think of it as “well we are all entitled to change our minds, and I can’t force someone to feel something they don’t.” I know rightly that while this is true, the behaviour of these lads is not right. I know that a guy who sleeps with a girl probably knowing he doesn’t like her personality, doesn’t ask for her number, then waits it out until she messages first, is not a nice guy. I know a guy who love bombs, then runs is not a nice guy. But yeah, it’s pathetic and sad but I still want them to like me. Stupid, cos I’m probably nothing to any of them.

I’m very much struggling to unmatch him as I feel like it’s my only connection for him to reach out, which is unlikely. I just don’t want to feel like all I was good for was one night and at least if he wanted to again, I couldn’t have been that bad.

You really need to adjust your mindset. How is unfollowing/unmatching someone who has treated you with little to no respect anything other than showing some self respect?

I agree, there is little point in going ballistic, but quietly doing whats best for you is not conforming to any negative stereotype.

How about being "that girl" who knows her worth?

Idbatterim

You say you need to lose more weight before you are perfect for someone else op! You’re a size ten ! That’s a great achievement all that weight loss. You are worth a lot more than your “ weight “! I’d honestly consider ditching the alcohol dates for first date ... might be daunting, but the chancer guys who only want sex , they might be more likely to just go fishing somewhere else. You say you are such a people pleaser, sounds like you are letting the huge amount of chancers out there , take advantage, then beating yourself up about it , reducing your confidence. It’s a vicious cycle ! Can you join any clubs nearby , that you have interests in and could meet men a bit more organically?

Dog day

Hi OP, I hope today is a good day for you so far.

For what it’s worth I’d advise you to take a complete break from dating for a while. From what you’ve said, there are deeper issues here with how you view yourself & until you have a happy & healthy self-perception it will be very difficult to engage in a stable relationship or indeed to even identify people that are good potential romantic partners for you.

Though life is about compromise you should never feel you have to change the basic foundation of your personality in order to be ‘right’ for someone else. That’s impractical & totally unsustainable.

Spend time with good friends & family, enjoy quality time alone (there’s huge value in this), get to know yourself better & focus on the things you like about yourself. Please also consider getting some good counselling for your body image issues.

Wishing you well.

Idle Passerby

Sorry to be blunt OP but how is making yourself look pathetic and needy going to impress anyone? Waiting for scraps from guys who've already rejected you doesn't come across in any way other than your willing to make a doormat of yourself. If that's how your inviting them to treat you, then of course the guys who are a bit douchey already are going to take you up on that offer. Decent genuine guys will be turned off by your obvious lack of self worth so it's a lose/lose for you. The only way to get better treatment from others is to learn your own worth and stop accepting bad treatment.

Segotias

OP, just wanted to say I can identify with a lot of what you are saying.

You put yourself out there and are rejected or good enough to be someones bit of fun but nothing more (not you personally but its how you can feel, I know I do) The last time I "put myself out there" was similar to your first experience extremely full on and cancelled a few hours before we were to meet up siting not wanting to be in a relationship. For him only to get into a relationship with someone who was the completely opposite of me...pretty, blonde, thin...definitely not me.

As a result of this I've completely withdrawn from trying to meet someone or even talk to anyone randomly. Good or bad its for my own preservation. You've mentioned men falling over your friends I have this too. Friends have told me that men can tell that I don't want to talk so they don't approach me, I'm thinking its more to do with my size compared to theirs. I do believe size is a factor in attraction and being bigger doesn't help. Though well done on your weight loss, I see someone mentioned you're a size 10...your size is definitely not a factor.

Whats struck me the most is the impact its had on you...binging, then starving yourself. You seem to be punishing yourself for someone else being a d**k. I think you need to come off the sites and sort your head. Go see the counsellor or whoever you've booked.

When you are in a better head space then go back into the game if thats what you decide what you want. You seem to be clinging on to these people for whatever reason when you deserve better.

I'm currently trying to like myself a lot more than I do now and thats my priority, when I'm happy with myself then someone rejection won't matter and will be their loss

Scarinae

OP I just want to give you a hug, you remind me so much of myself when I was in my teens and 20s. I have also struggled for a long time with poor self-image and disordered eating, and I used to care a lot more about what other people thought of me. I don’t think that you’re pathetic or grovelling for sympathy, I think you’re genuinely in turmoil and some parts were hard for me to read as I identified so strongly with how you are feeling.

I think one of the most valuable things you can do in terms of dating is to stop thinking about whether or not they like you, and think about whether or not YOU like THEM. From reading your posts, it feels as if you think you need to be somehow grateful for someone showing any interest in you, and you ignore warning signs as a result.

With the first guy, you had a niggling feeling that something wasn’t right and that he was being too intense, but you ignored it because you enjoyed the flattery. With the second guy, nothing seemed to be off until your actual date, but you felt like you ‘owed him’ sex because you had flirted with him when you were messaging and you didn’t want him to be disappointed. Even when both of these guys had upset you, you still felt like you had to tell them it was all ok and not to worry; you didn’t want them to think badly of you or to think you’re being childish. It seems like it is more important for you to be liked by other people than for you to be happy.

I feel like a lot of this is tied to the way you view yourself and your body. You’re taking any rejection very hard and telling yourself it’s your fault because of your tummy or legs, that you’re not physically or mentally attractive, that you’re ‘disgusting’, that you have nothing to offer in a relationship. A size 10 is not fat by the way, but even if you were bigger that doesn’t mean that you have to put up with unreasonable crap from guys. It is not as if nobody over a size 10 has ever had a happy relationship.

There is nothing wrong with having boundaries and standing up for yourself! If there is something in someone’s initial messages that is putting you off, you don’t need to continue the conversation or go on a date with them. If someone’s behaviour on a first date bothers you, you don’t have to kiss them, have sex with them or see them again if you don’t want to. If someone’s behaviour in a relationship is full of red flags you can break up with them. You deserve better.

Honeydew3456

Urgh so frustrating reading this! Op you are obv a lovely person with lots to offer the world (not just men)

I get that you have low self esteem issues, but for the love of god get off the apps and delete/block these p*ssies.

Do you not understand the very essence of what being a woman is? Own it. Own your emotional strenght. Own your qualities, your femininity, your vulnerabilities, accept them as the very core of you and stop looking for validation outside yourself and especially from anyone that does not appreciate them.

If you want to have a ONS have it and leave it at that. Enjoy it. Why the misery after?!

achmairt

He told you a load of lies, he let YOU drive two hours to meet him and then let you PAY!!! What a lowlife!!! Why are you blaming yourself ?? Of course he love bombed you just to get you in the sack. The minute you did all the running to meet him, paying for meal etc, he was turned off because he didn't get to CHASE you. You made it too easy for him. Anyway he's of those who has an elevated sense of himself. He thinks he's God's gift. I would advise you never to meet people off the internet as you won't get the full picture of who they are. Take an interest in other activities where you can actually meet the person and suss them out by watching their body language and what type of friends they hang around with. Play hard to get - they love the chase. Men are like dogs - if you have them on a lead they try and get away but when you take the lead off they will follow you !!! Show confidence and have pride in yourself - I promise you it works.

Upforthematch

achmairt wrote: »

Men are like dogs - if you have them on a lead they try and get away but when you take the lead off they will follow you !!!

Men are not like dogs. They are like people, all different. Generalisations and game playing is a complete turnoff to someone like me anyway.

Show confidence and have pride in yourself - I promise you it works.

Now this is good advice.

Extrahotmocha

Hi all

This thread popped into my head today, and I just wanted to check in a make sure everyone was doing ok. I know it’s not exactly a relationship issue update, so hopefully I’m not breaking any rules, but you guys were so kind to me when I needed it and I want to make sure everyone is keeping well and safe. I wish I could buy ye all a drink to say thank you for all the time ye took to give me advice. We will raise a virtual one when this is all over and done with! On the plus side, this virus has cut me off at the Bumble source which is probably a good thing :P hopefully you’re all getting rest and enjoying a wee bit of the headspace which is the one small plus to all this x

Porklife

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all

This thread popped into my head today, and I just wanted to check in a make sure everyone was doing ok. I know it’s not exactly a relationship issue update, so hopefully I’m not breaking any rules, but you guys were so kind to me when I needed it and I want to make sure everyone is keeping well and safe. I wish I could buy ye all a drink to say thank you for all the time ye took to give me advice. We will raise a virtual one when this is all over and done with! On the plus side, this virus has cut me off at the Bumble source which is probably a good thing :P hopefully you’re all getting rest and enjoying a wee bit of the headspace which is the one small plus to all this x

Aww you big sweetie x

Extrahotmocha

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up but he didn’t expect to meet me. I told him I needed to go slow cos obviously that was the opposite of what I wanted. I asked him before we slept together to be honest with me and only sleep with me if he had feelings for me and actually liked me. I told him I wasn’t looking for a ring on the finger but just that he liked me as a person and wouldn’t dump me straight after. He said he did, so we slept together. After that he pulled away, and I texted him and said I felt he wasn’t into it and we should just end things even though I was upset. He told me he didn’t want to, but he was in a weird headspace. I hung on for this guy, weeks passed of him sporadically reaching out. One day about a month ago I had enough and told him to only text if he decided he wanted something from me. I didn’t hear from him again and that was that, I moved on.

Yesterday I got a lengthy text out of the blue saying how he had decided way back that he had no feelings for me despite me being special etc. I felt it totally unnecessary and it triggered me. I told him how I felt used. He told me it was unfair to demand continued feelings. I called him out and asked why he wouldn’t let me go after I tried to break it off, why he kept texting. I admit I had meltdown and was so upset. I don’t know why, cos I wasn’t thinking about him up to this point.

Today I’m wondering did I do wrong to react the way I did. I feel hurt and I’m left wondering why he felt the need to respond nearly six weeks later to essentially patronise me.

I’m a wee bit heartbroken and internalising again - I don’t feel it’s about him persay, more about myself and how I keep trying and this keeps happening. Did I do wrong to expect an honest answer? Do feelings change that quickly?

SozBbz

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up

Right here - this is where you've gone wrong.

Firstly, why didnt you ask him waht he was looking for before meeting up?
Secondly, when your found our it was a hook up and thus incompatible with what you want, why did you stick around?

After this you were always on a hiding to nothing.

Extrahotmocha

SozBbz wrote: »

Right here - this is where you've gone wrong.

Firstly, why didnt you ask him waht he was looking for before meeting up?
Secondly, when your found our it was a hook up and thus incompatible with what you want, why did you stick around?

After this you were always on a hiding to nothing.

To be honest I didn’t want to come on too strong before meeting. I did say on the date that I wasn’t interested in that but he essentially said he changed his mind based off meeting me.

SozBbz

Also just to add - no, you're not '''wrong" to feel hurt. He did bahave like a ****ty person. He used you for sex and attention.

That said, to an outside observer its obvious that he was using you. The fact that its not obvious to you at the time is whats worrying and what will lead you into these situations time and again. I'm glad you went mad at him, if you made him feel bad, then good enough for him, he sounds like a total ****. Don't beat yourself up over this - this actually sounds like progress that you finally stuck up for yourself and held someone accountable for treating you badly.

Maybe you're letting your want to meet someone override your good sense? You can't make someone be "the one" if such a thing even exists. They're either for you or they're not, and statistically, most people you meet wont be compatible with you and vice versa - otherwise meeting someone would be no big deal.

SozBbz

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

To be honest I didn’t want to come on too strong before meeting. I did say on the date that I wasn’t interested in that but he essentially said he changed his mind based off meeting me.

Maybe this is part of the issue. Online dating is great and works for lots of people, but its risky if you're the type to overly invest emotionally too soon.

I think you have to consider any date you make online as a totally blind date. Don't let yourself get invested before meeting up (as evidenced here, he clearly wasnt invested in you). Don't be thinking that the date is more than it is. Also maybe make a rule to protect yourself that you don't sleep with anyone after meeting online until you've met a few times in real life, no matter how well you think you know them through text, phone etc.

Go on day dates. Go for coffee. Go to the zoo. Go walk the Sugar Loaf. If a lad agrees to do all that before any intimacy, theres a far greater chance that he actually has good intentions.

Extrahotmocha

SozBbz wrote: »

Also just to add - no, you're not '''wrong" to feel hurt. He did bahave like a ****ty person. He used you for sex and attention.

That said, to an outside observer its obvious that he was using you. The fact that its not obvious to you at the time is whats worrying and what will lead you into these situations time and again. I'm glad you went mad at him, if you made him feel bad, then good enough for him, he sounds like a total ****. Don't beat yourself up over this - this actually sounds like progress that you finally stuck up for yourself and held someone accountable for treating you badly.

Maybe you're letting your want to meet someone override your good sense? You can't make someone be "the one" if such a thing even exists. They're either for you or they're not, and statistically, most people you meet wont be compatible with you and vice versa - otherwise meeting someone would be no big deal.

This is probably too nice for me, cos I completely hear what you’re saying about me being blind to this in the moment and I need to learn. I find it hard to read people when I like them, even when wee red flags are coming up. That’s why when he started pulling back I tried to be rational and just stop it there. I wasn’t even mad the first time, just disappointed but thought it best rather than hanging on.

I’m wondering if people think he was lying from the start, or do feelings just disappear right after? The sex was good, we had a laugh so it wasn’t that I don’t think. Unless it was something physical about me. I don’t even know anymore, I just really wish he hadn’t sent that. He told me he wouldn’t accept that he manipulated my feelings so he could sleep with me and I shouldn’t demand continued feelings, that’s what caused the meltdown

Sorry to hear this Extra hot mocha..
Hope you're alright..

Extrahotmocha

SozBbz wrote: »

Maybe this is part of the issue. Online dating is great and works for lots of people, but its risky if you're the type to overly invest emotionally too soon.

I think you have to consider any date you make online as a totally blind date. Don't let yourself get invested before meeting up (as evidenced here, he clearly wasnt invested in you). Don't be thinking that the date is more than it is. Also maybe make a rule to protect yourself that you don't sleep with anyone after meeting online until you've met a few times in real life, no matter how well you think you know them through text, phone etc.

Go on day dates. Go for coffee. Go to the zoo. Go walk the Sugar Loaf. If a lad agrees to do all that before any intimacy, theres a far greater chance that he actually has good intentions.

Thanks so much. I should say, I did take things slow, there were a few dates and phone calls before I slept with him. I learned from the last guy that much at least.

Extrahotmocha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Sorry to hear this Extra hot mocha..
Hope you're alright..

Thanks, I’m ok. It’s not about him at all, just again feeling a bit like I’m not good enough for anyone at the moment.

SozBbz

OP would you consider seeing someone to talk about your own view of yourself?

One thing that shines throught (and makes me so sad) is that you don't rate or respect yourself much. I always think people with low self esteem are vulnerable to unscrupulous people who are just out for their own needs. In this case, its unscrupulous men satisfying their own sexual desires.

Casual sex is grand if no one is getting hurt, but clearly you are.
You asked if people think he was lying from the get go. Personally its hard to tell, but one thing is for sure. He wasnt lying when he told you he was after a hook up and he was absolutely lying when he back peddled on that position, thus telling you what you needed to hear to let your guard down and have sex with him. This is morally reprehensible on his part, but thats little comfort to you as you're the one getting hurt.

Dial Hard

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m wondering if people think he was lying from the start, or do feelings just disappear right after? The sex was good, we had a laugh so it wasn’t that I don’t think. Unless it was something physical about me. I don’t even know anymore, I just really wish he hadn’t sent that. He told me he wouldn’t accept that he manipulated my feelings so he could sleep with me and I shouldn’t demand continued feelings, that’s what caused the meltdown

He was lying from the start. Sorry. He was prepared to say whatever it took to get you into bed and the fact that you couldn't see that then and apparently still can't see it is a bit worrying.

I think SozBbz is right and that it might be a very good idea for you to speak to someone about this.

Extrahotmocha

SozBbz wrote: »

OP would you consider seeing someone to talk about your own view of yourself?

One thing that shines throught (and makes me so sad) is that you don't rate or respect yourself much. I always think people with low self esteem are vulnerable to unscrupulous people who are just out for their own needs. In this case, its unscrupulous men satisfying their own sexual desires.

Casual sex is grand if no one is getting hurt, but clearly you are.
You asked if people think he was lying from the get go. Personally its hard to tell, but one thing is for sure. He wasnt lying when he told you he was after a hook up and he was absolutely lying when he back peddled on that position, thus telling you what you needed to hear to let your guard down and have sex with him. This is morally reprehensible on his part, but thats little comfort to you as you're the one getting hurt.

It’s definitely something I have thought about but I’m afraid of the loss of anonymity and explaining all this to someone in person. Being brutally honest, I don’t want to sit in front of someone and come across as stupid, naive and desperate.

You’ve basically summed what I have been thinking, but I was afraid I had set unrealistic expectations. I know feelings can change, but I’m not sure if that was a genuine change or he felt nothing to begin with. I’m not sure which is worse - one means I was lied to, the other is another assessment on me personally and my value.

bitofabind

I find things go a lot better for me romantically when I just don't care or invest or expect from the offset. Not in a cold way, just in a way where I like my life and have lots to keep me busy and this guy seems nice but shur he could also be another clown too so let's just play it by ear. I had no expectations whatsoever when I met either of my two long-term exes. If they like you, you'll know it and this drama of playground behaviour and there-one-minute-gone-the-next just doesn't happen.

Your approach sounds pretty intense. Like you're doing all the textbook things - communicating, asking the right questions, but it's still quite intense. If I had those kinds of questions from a lad I'd probably be a bit put off, just because it'd feel kinda like being shoe-horned into a relationship before the relationship has had a chance to develop yet.

I get and totally empathise with your desire to meet someone, but I think your ability to like and respect yourself and value who you are without these external things is far more important. When you have that foundation, these flings and non-starter situations tend to leave less of a dent. And tend to happen less too. I just simply won't make room for someone in my life if the vibe is wrong early on, be that them incessantly texting me or trying to get into my pants early on or flaking on me or whatever.

What can you do to care less about these dating situations? Are there things you can work on in your own life to feel more at ease with yourself?

Scarinae

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m wondering if people think he was lying from the start, or do feelings just disappear right after? The sex was good, we had a laugh so it wasn’t that I don’t think.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think he was lying to get you into bed with him. He wasn't lying from the start necessarily, as he originally said he was looking for a hook up, but then started lying when he realised that it would get you to sleep with him.

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Unless it was something physical about me.

It clearly wasn't anything physically wrong with you, as he was attracted enough to you that he wanted to have sex. But you mentioned in your previous posts too that you thought guys were rejecting you because of your tummy or your legs; there's a definite pattern here where you think any rejection is absolutely your fault and you look for reasons why. From the rest of your post though it's clear that this guy never wanted a relationship in the first place.

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

He told me he wouldn’t accept that he manipulated my feelings so he could sleep with me and I shouldn’t demand continued feelings, that’s what caused the meltdown

I feel like this guy is breadcrumbing you - he's not interested in a relationship, but is sporadically contacting you to keep your hopes up. This way he can try for sex with you down the line if he's not getting it anywhere else. Don't fall for it, and don't feel bad for calling him out on his ****ty behaviour. I'd recommend blocking him and moving on, nothing good can be gained from keeping in touch with this guy.

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

It’s definitely something I have thought about but I’m afraid of the loss of anonymity and explaining all this to someone in person. Being brutally honest, I don’t want to sit in front of someone and come across as stupid, naive and desperate.

Any experienced therapist will have listened to all sorts of people with all sorts of issues. Judging you as stupid, naive, desperate or anything else is not part of their job. One of the things I personally found so useful about going a therapist is that you can tell them anything and they're NOT judging you. But even if they were, why would you care what a stranger thinks?

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m not sure which is worse - one means I was lied to, the other is another assessment on me personally and my value.

Similar to my point above about how there isn't anything wrong with you - this whole encounter says nothing about you, your body or your value. Your main mistake here was not sensing the guy's bull**** and being overly invested. If someone says they're only looking for a hook up and that isn't what you want, then stop talking to them and look for someone else.

Extrahotmocha

bitofabind wrote: »

I find things go a lot better for me romantically when I just don't care or invest or expect from the offset. Not in a cold way, just in a way where I like my life and have lots to keep me busy and this guy seems nice but shur he could also be another clown too so let's just play it by ear. I had no expectations whatsoever when I met either of my two long-term exes. If they like you, you'll know it and this drama of playground behaviour and there-one-minute-gone-the-next just doesn't happen.

Your approach sounds pretty intense. Like you're doing all the textbook things - communicating, asking the right questions, but it's still quite intense. If I had those kinds of questions from a lad I'd probably be a bit put off, just because it'd feel kinda like being shoe-horned into a relationship before the relationship has had a chance to develop yet.

I get and totally empathise with your desire to meet someone, but I think your ability to like and respect yourself and value who you are without these external things is far more important. When you have that foundation, these flings and non-starter situations tend to leave less of a dent. And tend to happen less too. I just simply won't make room for someone in my life if the vibe is wrong early on, be that them incessantly texting me or trying to get into my pants early on or flaking on me or whatever.

What can you do to care less about these dating situations? Are there things you can work on in your own life to feel more at ease with yourself?

Thanks so much for this. I’ve definitely learned to detach - I’ve had dates whereby I’ve gone in very laid back. It’s when I interact with the lads who are quite intense, it gets my guard up and I am more protective. But I will hold my hands up and say I am fallible to the attention - it’s now definitely a self esteem thing, something that wasn’t an issue before I started dating online.

In terms of caring less, I really don’t know. I have my hobbies and outlets, but recently have been disliking my own company because I am not my biggest fan. My value is linked to what others think of me and I need to work on that again. I just didn’t want to seem like a head melt when I told him off last night - my main issue was he took the time to write this awful patronising text about how amazing I was but he just “decided” he didn’t have feelings for me. Should have known because when we talked after he called himself “fickle”. I think it’s becoming clear from others opinions though i was stupid and fell for lies. I just don’t get why someone would sleep with another person if they didn’t even like them, even though I know logically why. Maybe my personality is overbearing, maybe I’m boring, maybe I’m not good in bed. These are all my thoughts right now, and even as I type them out I can imagine people rolling their eyes and thinking how much of a dose I am.

I’m definitely going to take your advice of if someone likes you you’ll know and there will be no drama. I’m deluding myself into romantic notions otherwise and that is bloody dramatic and so not who I am. Thanks for the advice and taking the time to respond

Why are you not your biggest fan?..

Earlier I was going to say that I don't know if you needed counseling or whatever because it struck me that you seemed very intelligent and self aware, and like, you already knew what you were to be told..

I'll say it again.. wanting a relationship isn't unreasonable.. but yeah, in this day and age a lot of dudes will be just looking to score..

Ella281

Lily_Aldrin7 wrote: »

What a piece of garbage! I can’t believe you didn’t tell him that! Who spends so much time on the phone just for a hookup, not to mention you drove all the way there... Don’t let this destroy your confidence completely!

Hey OP
Agree with Lily’s statement here!
Who does that!
I’m a new boardsie who was recently love bombed and ghosted. Tinder guy spent 4 weeks texting me day and night, was very full on as if we had been a couple, he pushed for a date, had a couple of red flags when I met him (which I ignored) and then when he went home, still confirmed the second date over text, then he stood me up - ghosted me. No explanation - nothing!

It knocked my confidence to say the least and I was paranoid that I was a big disappointment to him.. I’ve beaten myself up pretty badly... but as it turned out, he was the one who was disappointing.
I guess, at least he told you he was after a hook up. Obviously he shouldnt of love bombed you for weeks or let you drive 2hours to see him.. but at least you know. Better than letting you wonder what happened..
My date kissed me and confirmed a second date. Never said what he wanted etc.. then stood me up and cut me off.


So OP you are not alone. I think there’s a lot of headwreckers out there who are playing games on the apps whose motives are unclear...and whilst I acknowledge that some people have had good experiences and got relationships out of them, I don’t believe this is true for the majority of people on them..I thought I was able to spot the clowns but I was caught out !
What I want to say to you is you are not the problem, neither am I.... it’s the person who behaves like an asshole or headcase - they are the problem.


So OP, I’m working on my confidence and making myself more robust. Reinforcing my defences as it were...and when this lockdown is over, I’m getting back into the real world to meet a real person- in every sense of the word. Not one who talks a good talk with nothing behind it. I know I need to listen to my gut more and stop ignoring red flags. Stop beating myself up.

I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I know what you're feeling and I’m sending you a socially distanced hug!

seenitall

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up but he didn’t expect to meet me. I told him I needed to go slow cos obviously that was the opposite of what I wanted. I asked him before we slept together to be honest with me and only sleep with me if he had feelings for me and actually liked me. I told him I wasn’t looking for a ring on the finger but just that he liked me as a person and wouldn’t dump me straight after. He said he did, so we slept together. After that he pulled away, and I texted him and said I felt he wasn’t into it and we should just end things even though I was upset. He told me he didn’t want to, but he was in a weird headspace. I hung on for this guy, weeks passed of him sporadically reaching out. One day about a month ago I had enough and told him to only text if he decided he wanted something from me. I didn’t hear from him again and that was that, I moved on.

Yesterday I got a lengthy text out of the blue saying how he had decided way back that he had no feelings for me despite me being special etc. I felt it totally unnecessary and it triggered me. I told him how I felt used. He told me it was unfair to demand continued feelings. I called him out and asked why he wouldn’t let me go after I tried to break it off, why he kept texting. I admit I had meltdown and was so upset. I don’t know why, cos I wasn’t thinking about him up to this point.

Today I’m wondering did I do wrong to react the way I did. I feel hurt and I’m left wondering why he felt the need to respond nearly six weeks later to essentially patronise me.

I’m a wee bit heartbroken and internalising again - I don’t feel it’s about him persay, more about myself and how I keep trying and this keeps happening. Did I do wrong to expect an honest answer? Do feelings change that quickly?

Hi OP,

Get. Off. The. Apps. Stop getting involved with men, it is clear as day you are in no frame of mind to find a partner at this time. You are way too desperate for attention, which means you are a magnet for chancers and users. Decent men will run a mile from you when they get a glimpse of your desperation, because decent men are looking for healthy relationships with women with healthy self-esteem.

As long as you keep chasing that validation with any chancer that has a mind to get a leg over, you will keep ending up with nothing to show for it and feeling wretched and used.

I've read this thread, you have been rightly advised on almost every page of it since December to get rid of the apps, look for some professional help and build your self-esteem first and foremost. Men can wait.

Yet, like a drug addict, you come back with a different version of the same old narrative - wondering why you possibly weren't good enough for some absolute user/narcissist/clown. Can you even hear yourself?

Please get help, and turn your attention onto yourself, to work on your inner strength and resources, and your self-worth. If you don't this work, you will never have what you want and deserve, which is a healthy, loving, respectful relationship of equals. It will always be some version of headwreck and disaster. Think about that.

You sound in great turmoil and suffering, and I wish you all the best and more. But for that to happen, you need to take yourself in hand. Otherwise you will be going nowhere good, and that would be a horrible shame and waste.

Extrahotmocha

Thanks for this. I’m so sorry I come off as desperate, I don’t mean to. It’s painful to read that because I think back to a year ago when I first started dating, how I happy I was. People liked me and I was fun and interesting. I know I come across in this thread like a messed up girl who is so desperate she’ll sleep with any guy going for a bit of attention. And worse it seems like I’m ignoring you all which I’m really not. I really am listening to the majority opinion, I swear I’m taking it on board. It just seems like one steep forward, two back. I can’t thank every one enough, and your advice isn’t in vain. I will get there, and I promise to try and take all of what you guys have told me going forward. I do get lonely sometimes and go back on the app, and I shouldn’t. I know I’m not good enough for anyone decent right now - damage attracts damage. I’m working on it I promise.

starrygleam11

Hey i just read your thread and i Hope ur doing great the girls on this are really doing a good job of supporting u fair Play to ye all!
I just want to tell u dont worry as much i know its easy to say and hard to do but trust me.
I think the problem these days is that men think they can mess any girl they want it seems like they have no morals anymore.
Ill give u my story dated a guy for few weeks he was coming on strong we met up quiet alot of times all perf right ? On the last date he humilitated me infront of few people laughing at my height in a very rude way (i was smaller) also told me how ****able i am.Men are ****ed up these days.i dont think they have brains anymore😂 my gradfather always says tho u gotto kiss 1000 of frogs before u find the Prince 😂

seenitall

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks for this. I’m so sorry I come off as desperate, I don’t mean to. It’s painful to read that because I think back to a year ago when I first started dating, how I happy I was. People liked me and I was fun and interesting. I know I come across in this thread like a messed up girl who is so desperate she’ll sleep with any guy going for a bit of attention. And worse it seems like I’m ignoring you all which I’m really not. I really am listening to the majority opinion, I swear I’m taking it on board. It just seems like one steep forward, two back. I can’t thank every one enough, and your advice isn’t in vain. I will get there, and I promise to try and take all of what you guys have told me going forward. I do get lonely sometimes and go back on the app, and I shouldn’t. I know I’m not good enough for anyone decent right now - damage attracts damage. I’m working on it I promise.

There you go again with "I'm not good enough"... I never said that, That's not true. You are good, you are enough, and you will most certainly be more than good enough for a good relationship in your future, after you build yourself up and work on your self-love. Words have power, Extrahotmocha, be careful how you use them, don't use them against yourself. Please look into this need to put yourself down like that.

I have to admit to feeling a bit, uh, 'triggered', by this thread but that is not on you! There is no need to take responsibility for the state of the world and conclude you are not good enough. That's just that floor-level self esteem talking again. All of this issue is strictly in your head and absolutely fixable. It will just take some work, and you are already on your way as you realise the problem. Please start trying to change your thought patterns into positive, self-affirmative ones. This is so, so important. The reason I feel so much when I read this thread is that I can just about imagine how lonely and horrible it must feel in the head of a person who will nearly apologise for being alive. It is no way to exist. I'm rooting for you.

Extrahotmocha

seenitall wrote: »

There you go again with "I'm not good enough"... I never said that, That's not true. You are good, you are enough, and you will most certainly be more than good enough for a good relationship in your future, after you build yourself up and work on your self-love. Words have power, Extrahotmocha, be careful how you use them, don't use them against yourself. Please look into this need to put yourself down like that.

I have to admit to feeling a bit, uh, 'triggered', by this thread but that is not on you! There is no need to take responsibility for the state of the world and conclude you are not good enough. That's just that floor-level self esteem talking again. All of this issue is strictly in your head and absolutely fixable. It will just take some work, and you are already on your way as you realise the problem. Please start trying to change your thought patterns into positive, self-affirmative ones. This is so, so important. The reason I feel so much when I read this thread is that I can just about imagine how lonely and horrible it must feel in the head of a person who will nearly apologise for being alive. It is no way to exist. I'm rooting for you.

Thanks, you’re so kind. Definitely didn’t take from it that you were saying I wasn’t good enough, that’s my narrative not yours.

You’re right - my head is not a nice place to be right now, it’s very scary at times and I never saw myself getting this low. Especially as it seems to be as a result of these people who I have unfair, unrealistic expectations from. It’s not their fault either, and I’m blaming these guys for how I feel. I thought this would all be easier and I can’t see a way of solving it sometimes. I’m letting people who do care for me down by behaving this way. More than that, I’m letting myself down, risking my reputation by giving away and sharing too much of myself.

I agree with the poster above you who said you girls/guys are doing a fantastic job of supporting me. I’ll get to a point where I’m brave enough to seek support from someone other than strangers on the internet. It’s not today, but hopefully it’ll be soon.

I’m so sorry if this is triggering for some people, I can totally see why. Reading these posts must feel like ye are all banging your heads against a brick wall. I wish I could have posted here under happier circumstances so ye would see how I can be.

starrygleam11

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks, you’re so kind. Definitely didn’t take from it that you were saying I wasn’t good enough, that’s my narrative not yours.

You’re right - my head is not a nice place to be right now, it’s very scary at times and I never saw myself getting this low. Especially as it seems to be as a result of these people who I have unfair, unrealistic expectations from. It’s not their fault either, and I’m blaming these guys for how I feel. I thought this would all be easier and I can’t see a way of solving it sometimes. I’m letting people who do care for me down by behaving this way. More than that, I’m letting myself down, risking my reputation by giving away and sharing too much of myself.

I agree with the poster above you who said you girls/guys are doing a fantastic job of supporting me. I’ll get to a point where I’m brave enough to seek support from someone other than strangers on the internet. It’s not today, but hopefully it’ll be soon.

I’m so sorry if this is triggering for some people, I can totally see why. Reading these posts must feel like ye are all banging your heads against a brick wall. I wish I could have posted here under happier circumstances so ye would see how I can be.

Apart from online advice i think if u had a girls night or day meetup it could really help and lift ur spirits up after restrictions are lifted.Maybe a walk on the park with a picnic and girls talking about dating could be good for u ? Just an idea

SusieBlue

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up but he didn’t expect to meet me. I told him I needed to go slow cos obviously that was the opposite of what I wanted

OP, sorry but the bolded is mind blowing, he told you he was just looking for a hook up so you told him you needed to take things slow because you wanted the opposite?
There was nothing to take slow here, ye were on completely different wavelengths.
What did you honestly think was going to happen?

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

You have to have boundaries or this is going to keep happening.
You sound so upset and devastated and I feel very sorry for you, but this was very avoidable if you had just stood up for what you want.

Also, there are lighthearted ways of dropping this issue into conversation before you meet up with someone.
If I’m asked, or if I bring it up, I always say I’m not looking for a hook up or a husband, just someone nice to spend time with and see where it goes.
I also say while I prefer being in committed relationships, I’m not desperate to settle down and am happy being on my own too.
In two years of online dating I’ve never had a man react badly to this, one or two were just looking for something casual but appreciated the honesty and the others were glad to know where I stood and asked me out soon after.

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt but as long as you continue to pursue men who just want casual flings, this will keep happening. You need to take the initiative and be assertive about your needs and wants or this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

starrygleam11

SusieBlue wrote: »

OP, sorry but the bolded is mind blowing, he told you he was just looking for a hook up so you told him you needed to take things slow because you wanted the opposite?
There was nothing to take slow here, ye were on completely different wavelengths.
What did you honestly think was going to happen?

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

You have to have boundaries or this is going to keep happening.
You sound so upset and devastated and I feel very sorry for you, but this was very avoidable if you had just stood up for what you want.

Also, there are lighthearted ways of dropping this issue into conversation before you meet up with someone.
If I’m asked, or if I bring it up, I always say I’m not looking for a hook up or a husband, just someone nice to spend time with and see where it goes.
I also say while I prefer being in committed relationships, I’m not desperate to settle down and am happy being on my own too.
In two years of online dating I’ve never had a man react badly to this, one or two were just looking for something casual but appreciated the honesty and the others were glad to know where I stood and asked me out soon after.

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt but as long as you continue to pursue men who just want casual flings, this will keep happening. You need to take the initiative and be assertive about your needs and wants or this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

You gave her really amazing advice but remember as upfront as a girl can be to a guy we also have to factor in and remember that not all men are good and honest.Theres plenty of guys and im sure the girls know who date girls for months and then just drop them pretending and lying,it is great advice what ur saying but we all just have to remember to watch our backs too.Not all guys will be mature some love to Play along not giving a crap about other persons feelings.There are men who say they dont want flings but there actions are totally different to what they say

SusieBlue

starrygleam11 wrote: »

You gave her really amazing advice but remember as upfront as a girl can be to a guy we also have to factor in and remember that not all men are good and honest.Theres plenty of guys and im sure the girls know who date girls for months and then just drop them pretending and lying,it is great advice what ur saying but we all just have to remember to watch our backs too.Not all guys will be mature some love to Play along not giving a crap about other persons feelings.There are men who say they dont want flings but there actions are totally different to what they say

Yes, absolutely, there are both men and women out there who are master manipulators who will lie to get what they want.
But usually it’s clear from their actions what their real intentions are.
Even if they’re saying all the right things, if they’re treating you casually, that’s all you need to know.
And it’s up to us to acknowledge these red flags and take some personal responsibility so we don’t get hurt.

It’s definitely a learning process though - I’m a firm believer in always trusting your gut. I think you know deep down when something isn’t as it seems.

In hindsight with the majority of people I was seeing in the past, & even failed relationships, the writing was on the wall but I was in denial about it and made excuse after excuse to justify their sh*tty behaviour.
I knew it, I just didn’t want to accept it.

There is nothing to lose by being up front about what you are looking for and seeing their reaction to that. If their reaction is to say they want a hook up, it’s definitely best to cut your losses and move on.

Extrahotmocha

SusieBlue wrote: »

OP, sorry but the bolded is mind blowing, he told you he was just looking for a hook up so you told him you needed to take things slow because you wanted the opposite?
There was nothing to take slow here, ye were on completely different wavelengths.
What did you honestly think was going to happen?

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

You have to have boundaries or this is going to keep happening.
You sound so upset and devastated and I feel very sorry for you, but this was very avoidable if you had just stood up for what you want.

Also, there are lighthearted ways of dropping this issue into conversation before you meet up with someone.
If I’m asked, or if I bring it up, I always say I’m not looking for a hook up or a husband, just someone nice to spend time with and see where it goes.
I also say while I prefer being in committed relationships, I’m not desperate to settle down and am happy being on my own too.
In two years of online dating I’ve never had a man react badly to this, one or two were just looking for something casual but appreciated the honesty and the others were glad to know where I stood and asked me out soon after.

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt but as long as you continue to pursue men who just want casual flings, this will keep happening. You need to take the initiative and be assertive about your needs and wants or this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

Hi no sorry I should clarify, he said that was what he was looking for initially but that changed when he met me and he wanted to date. He said, and I quote, “you are too interesting to be a hookup”. I was of course very unsure but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because his actions at the time supported this notion. I took things slow to be sure he meant what he was saying. The night we slept together we were on a date, both had a bit to drink but it was a really nice night. We started talking about how the night would end and I asked him to not go home with me unless he actually liked me as a person and it wasn’t just about hooking up. I felt comfortable with him, and I mentioned that I was just trying to protect myself from being hurt. He looked me in the eyes and said it wasn’t about sex and he really thought it was going somewhere. Like a fool, I believed it.

I should mention there are other factors at play influencing why I kept seeing this guy. I don’t want to get into them but let’s just say third parties were involved who initially had nice things to say about this person but then back pedalled when he did this.

I’m not excusing my own daftness and stupidity, I chose to believe him after all my history and experience. As I said, they aren’t at fault, and it might look like I’m blaming them for my pathetic behavior. But I don’t want people to think I chose to continue to date a guy who told me he wanted a hookup only, because that wasn’t the case.

Extrahotmocha

SusieBlue wrote: »

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

Just on this, I probably should clarify the initial conversation too. I asked him what he was looking for on Bumble on a date. He said (his exact words): to be honest, I was only looking for a hookup but then I met you and you’re far too interesting for that. That’s when I said the above, even down to the “if that changes line”. He responded by insisting that was no longer was the case, and he was coming at me with intentions to date. He said he was only trying to be honest, and wanted me to know that I had changed his mind.

Extrahotmocha

starrygleam11 wrote: »

Apart from online advice i think if u had a girls night or day meetup it could really help and lift ur spirits up after restrictions are lifted.Maybe a walk on the park with a picnic and girls talking about dating could be good for u ? Just an idea

That’s a really good idea I think when I’m feeling up to it I will x

Hannibal_Smith

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks for this. I’m so sorry I come off as desperate, I don’t mean to. It’s painful to read that because I think back to a year ago when I first started dating, how I happy I was. People liked me and I was fun and interesting. I know I come across in this thread like a messed up girl who is so desperate she’ll sleep with any guy going for a bit of attention. And worse it seems like I’m ignoring you all which I’m really not. I really am listening to the majority opinion, I swear I’m taking it on board. It just seems like one steep forward, two back. I can’t thank every one enough, and your advice isn’t in vain. I will get there, and I promise to try and take all of what you guys have told me going forward. I do get lonely sometimes and go back on the app, and I shouldn’t. I know I’m not good enough for anyone decent right now - damage attracts damage. I’m working on it I promise.

OP, you don't sound as if you're not listening at all. You sound as if you're trying to take something from each reply so you can fix your situation. I'm so glad you're working through it all and I have to say, like others have said, you sound lovely.

I just wish you would stop beating yourself up and being so hard on yourself. It very much sounds like you're caught in a vicious circle and at the end of each turn you berate yourself and that's just going to make you feel even more miserable. Them deceiving you and leading you to believe you had something, is really their bad, not yours.

So, you've recognised in yourself why you've chosen the guys who haven't turned out as you hope. That's half the problem there. The other half is sifting those guys out. Presumably the lovebombing or something else was a common denominator in it all? And when those red flags appear you have to back off. You have to ignore that part of you that sparks up a hope that this could be it. My take on it all was that your gut told you to be wary? Listen to that gut feeling.

I get that it's all not that simple, but I bet if you look back on these guys you had them sussed each time initially and ignored it? Don't ignore that feeling or let them talk you round. Anyone with a bit of depth to them would understand you want to take things handy in the beginning.

leggo

Hi OP, you have some good lessons from this, which is really all you can ask for from dating until you meet the person you settle down with. That’s literally why we date: to get closer to the person we do like. So I wouldn’t be beating yourself up.

What have you learned here? As someone alluded to already, while yes people will outright lie sometimes to get what they want, within those lies will often be some key tells and truths if you know what you’re listening for. Example: “I was just looking for a hook-up...until I met you. You’re too interesting for just a hook-up.” Now I’m not saying that you being interesting is a lie, but it is blatant flattery that’s caused you to miss the huge dollop of truth he’s just dressed up there. There’s a great Mad Men quote that sums it up: “People tell us who they are all the time, but we don’t listen. Because we want them to be what we want them to be.” So you took a conversation that started with him telling you he just wanted to hook-up and translated it into your head as “we’ll just go slow”, because a relationship is what you wanted to happen regardless of what he was telling you.

A good exercise you can do here to make your more sharp to this is go back to that conversation in your mind. When he told you that, you said you felt a bit wary, but how did you feel within yourself? I mean that in terms of giving it some physical characteristics as best you can (doesn’t matter if they sound ridiculous, you don’t have to answer here or tell anyone). As you do, sit with that for a while and get familiar with it, even if it’s a bit weird or uncomfortable to do, remember it’s just an exercise you’re in full control over and can stop anytime so it’s safe to sit with uncomfortable feelings for a few minutes and will benefit you. That’s the feeling of your gut screaming at you. Now do the same for a few minutes with how you feel either now or at your lowest point after this fallout. It’s way worse right? That’s the feeling you get when you don’t listen to your gut screaming at you.

The reason this is a good thing to do is that, if you get familiar enough with these emotions, the next time you’re in a similar spot you’ll instantly know “Gut screaming at me, listen to it because not listening to this leads there.”

Of course, to fully be able to use these tools, you have to deal with a few other issues such as self-esteem so that you actually care about protecting yourself, loneliness so that you don’t see the risk as ‘worth it’, and so on. Counselling is a good place to put all of this into action and they can go in-depth while giving you a personalised gameplan to manage these things, and on the other side of it you’ll be a new person.

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded to please not quote entire posts.

It clogs threads with duplicate text and makes it difficult to read for users on the touch site. On the touch site there is the option to "Clear Text" at the top of the text box. The text can also be edited to only quote the relevant part to be highlighted in the reply.

Conor Bourke

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Just on this, I probably should clarify the initial conversation too. I asked him what he was looking for on Bumble on a date. He said (his exact words): to be honest, I was only looking for a hookup but then I met you and you’re far too interesting for that. That’s when I said the above, even down to the “if that changes line”. He responded by insisting that was no longer was the case, and he was coming at me with intentions to date. He said he was only trying to be honest, and wanted me to know that I had changed his mind.

I can't understand how you didn't recognise this for the glaringly obvious pickup line it is- it's as clear as day that he was blowing smoke up you ass.

Don't leave it 'til you meet the person to ask that question, you've already invested time and effort in them by that stage and he could obviously read you like a book.

Ask the question in the "chatting" stages on the app, before you even swap numbers. If you're afraid that this will put guys off- don't be! It'll only put off the ones you want to avoid in the first place.

Extrahotmocha

I’m still here guys, just reading quietly.

We had one last exchange via text that ended badly and now I’m worried I’ve hurt or upset him. We both ended up blocking each other (mature, I know). My head is so busy right now and I feel sick to my stomach with guilt.

Conor Bourke

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire previous post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text.

Why do you feel guilty? Who or what is it directed at- yourself or him? In either case, you shouldn’t have need to feel so unless you said something unpleasant to him in the heat of the moment. In any case, this comes back to the point I made about investing an awful lot of time and emotional energy into someone who really is little more than a stranger to you.

Do you invest as much of your time and efforts in yourself or your family/friendships?

Extrahotmocha

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Why do you feel guilty? Who or what is it directed at- yourself or him?

Do you invest as much of your time and efforts in yourself or your family/friendships?

I’m not typically someone who gets into conflict. I guess I worry that when I say these things the other person might have stuff going on in their life I know nothing about, and I’m afraid I’ve caused additional upset. I don’t think I said anything cruel - I didn’t insult him, call him names etc. But I was harsh in spelling out what I thought he did wrong. Then I started thinking that maybe his sporadic messages were meant with good intentions, maybe he didn’t know how to tell me he wasn’t interested, maybe it was something I did to put him off.

Yes, you’re right. I don’t know him well or he me and I said that in the message. I even disagreed with some of the terminology he used as I felt it was too soon in getting to know each other to use it.

Across the board, yes I do sometimes feel insecure about other relationships in my life and put a lot of energy into maintaining them. Without getting into it, I have been known to be over generous with time and money. My boundaries have always been blurred and I forgive people that outsiders tell me I shouldn’t. I’m aware of it and have been working on it.

I think it boils down to me wanting to be liked by everyone, the root of which is my low self-esteem. Says ye all, shock, horror lol I’m so sorry for all this guys, I’m looking into myself to fix this and won’t blame these guys anymore for something that is fundamentally wrong with me.

LegacyUser

Please stay away from dating until you’ve had some serious therapy sessions. You’re in no place to date and you’ll only make yourself crazy repeating the same patterns over and over again. It made me sad to read your thread and see someone torture themselves the way you are.

Delete all the apps and stay away from men for at least a year. Get your head right first. A lot of therapists are doing remote sessions so you shouldn’t have a problem getting a session.

Given how you feel about yourself, you are seriously running the risk of ending up with an abuser. Your whole thread screams doormat, serial people pleaser, a deeply insecure, vulnerable woman who will be ripe for the picking by some bully who’ll walk all over you. You’ll be a beacon to these people until you get some help for your issues.

And you deserve better, OP. I hope you realise that.