Parent cut ties with me but still thinks they can see my children

Sunrise_Sunset

One of my parents cut ties with me about a year ago. Basically disowned me and said I was their child by name only. During that time my parent also had a huge row with my sibling and they haven't spoken in months either.
Then I get a call from them asking me why I won't let my kids see them. I hung up. I then received a text calling me all kinds of names. 2 days before Christmas, FFS, thanks for that.
I really don't know what to do here. I ignore this person cos I feel they are just spoiling for an argument (I'm dealing with a complete narcissist), and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. However, how on earth do they think it's possible to disown me, and tell me I'm not their child anymore, but then think they can still see my kids?! We are a package deal. After the things this parent said me, extremely hurtful, mostly just to get a reaction (which I didn't give them, and which I'd say really riled them up even more), they still think they can see my children. Am I wrong in not allowing this?

zapper55

The only thing you are wrong about is assuming they'll listen to logic. Id block their number and also on social media. I'm.sorry you are going through this.

Sunrise_Sunset

zapper55 wrote: »

The only thing you are wrong about is assuming they'll listen to logic. Id block their number and also on social media. I'm.sorry you are going through this.

Thank you. I feel like I have been dealing with it as best as I can. Ignoring is the best response to a narcissist. But this has really gotten to me, 2 days before Christmas.
Their number is blocked already. They called me from another number, which is why I answered. Then afterwards I received notifications of text messages from the blocked number. I can only see the first few words of the text, if I want to read the rest I can unblock the number. But the first few words of the text was more than enough to get the jist.

Away With The Fairies

Kids are easily influenced, they're easy targets who will believe anything. Make no mistake, your parent just wants to turn your kids against you.

Purple Mountain

Ignore and don't waste another thought.
Your kids, your rules.

Xterminator

Hi Op

You are best placed to decide what is the best for your children. But there is a danger you could be acting from emotion here, by denying your children the relationship with their grandparent(s), as a bargaining chip.

Have a good calm think about it.

Is the relationship between your parents and the children beneficial or toxic? if its beneficial then you should facilitate seeing your children within reason. For the good of the children.

Motdyeah

From growing up with a narcissistic mother your best thing is to just cut ties altogether. There is absolutely no talking to them.

A few things that stood out to me were with mine was:
She found faults with everything I did. E.G got my first job and she told me I’d be fired after a week as they won’t put up with me, you will be back home.

Failed to turn up for my college graduation, said she wasn’t interested, I have other stuff to attend to that day.

Any conversation with my life she turned into an argument and found faults. E.G I’m from Galway and got a good job in Dublin. Her response was why couldn’t you get a job in Galway, probably word got around that your a horrible **** and now have to move to Dublin, you won’t last long their.

She didn’t respect personal boundaries. When I moved out of home she kept calling to my apartment unannounced, when I wouldn’t answer the door she started beeping the horn outside and then knocking on the door until the neighbors left her in. I ended up having to park my car away from the complex so she wouldn’t see it.

Yep best bet is to cut ties with people that are narcissists. Best decision I ever made, anything about your life they find fault with it yet to turn into an argument. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and cut ties

Sunrise_Sunset

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

You are best placed to decide what is the best for your children. But there is a danger you could be acting from emotion here, by denying your children the relationship with their grandparent(s), as a bargaining chip.

Have a good calm think about it.

Is the relationship between your parents and the children beneficial or toxic? if its beneficial then you should facilitate seeing your children within reason. For the good of the children.

I don't really see how it's a beneficial relationship. He hadn't asked in the past year to see them. But now that he is feeling lonely, and is no longer speaking to my sibling, I feel he is clutching at straws, and focusing on this now. I guess he is realising it's going to be a lonely Christmas. I am on good terms with my other parent, who still sees my children, and my parents are still married, so it's quite awkward. My children don't ask about their grandparent. When they used to see him, he'd just sit there reading the newspaper and barely interact with them anyway.

Sunrise_Sunset

Motdyeah wrote: »

From growing up with a narcissistic mother your best thing is to just cut ties altogether. There is absolutely no talking to them.

A few things that stood out to me were with mine was:
She found faults with everything I did. E.G got my first job and she told me I’d be fired after a week as they won’t put up with me, you will be back home.

Failed to turn up for my college graduation, said she wasn’t interested.

Any conversation with my life she turned into an argument and found faults. E.G I’m from Galway and got a good job in Dublin. Her response was why couldn’t you get a job in Galway, probably word got around that your a horrible **** and now have to move to Dublin, you won’t last long their.

She didn’t respect personal boundaries. When I moved out of home she kept calling to my apartment unannounced, when I wouldn’t answer the door she started beeping the horn outside and then knocking on the door until the neighbors left her in. I ended up having to park my car away from the complex so she wouldn’t see it.

Yep best bet is to cut ties with people that are narcissists. Best decision I ever made, anything about your life they find fault with it yet to turn into an argument. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and cut ties

Sorry you had to deal with that. Did you cut ties after that?
I feel there is absolutely no reasoning with him. There never has been. My only regret is not cutting ties with him before he cut ties with me, and why I let him away with his behaviour for so many years.

Motdyeah

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Sorry you had to deal with that. Did you cut ties after that?
I feel there is absolutely no reasoning with him. There never has been. My only regret is not cutting ties with him before he cut ties with me, and why I let him away with his behaviour for so many years.

Yep I did, all she cared about was herself and how a situation benefits her, narcissists are in a world of their own and only look at how situations benefit them, they don’t give a monkeys about anyone else.

I guess your narcissist parent is only looking at how the situation benefits them and not your personal feelings which is typical of that personality.

weetiepie

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I don't really see how it's a beneficial relationship. He hadn't asked in the past year to see them. But now that he is feeling lonely, and is no longer speaking to my sibling, I feel he is clutching at straws, and focusing on this now. I guess he is realising it's going to be a lonely Christmas. I am on good terms with my other parent, who still sees my children, and my parents are still married, so it's quite awkward. My children don't ask about their grandparent. When they used to see him, he'd just sit there reading the newspaper and barely interact with them anyway.

Completely agree with you. Your children will not benefit from a relationship with their grandparent. They have disrespected you and shown nothing but utter contempt for you, your children do not need a person like this in their lives.

Stateofyou

Sorry to hear that is happening to you. I'm impressed that you hung up on entertaining that any further, well done. As others have said no good can come from your children being influenced or exposed to people who behave like that. Your children need you to protect them from such harm which I'm sure you would do unquestioningly if it were anyone but their grandparent. We always hesitate when it's family though don't we, and some go through harmful situations for years, ruining lives and more than one generation. Good on you for making sure it stops with you. Yes you and your kids (and your partner if you have one) are a package deal and abusive family are in the wrong, not you. Take care and hope you have a peaceful Christmas this year.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

Sorry to hear that is happening to you. I'm impressed that you hung up on entertaining that any further, well done. As others have said no good can come from your children being influenced or exposed to people who behave like that. Your children need you to protect them from such harm which I'm sure you would do unquestioningly if it were anyone but their grandparent. We always hesitate when it's family though don't we, and some go through harmful situations for years, ruining lives and more than one generation. Good on you for making sure it stops with you. Yes you and your kids (and your partner if you have one) are a package deal and abusive family are in the wrong, not you. Take care and hope you have a peaceful Christmas this year.

I would love nothing more than to give him my tuppence worth and let him know what kind of a person he is and how his words and behaviour have affected me, but it would be completely fruitless. I won't engage in an argument with him. I won't engage with him at all anymore. I'd say it kills him, he's absolutely spoiling for a fight. His sense of entitlement is astounding. He thinks he can say the most emotionally abusive things to me and disown me, and then marvel at the fact that I don't allow my children to visit him.

Padre_Pio

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I would love nothing more than to give him my tuppence worth and let him know what kind of a person he is and how his words and behaviour have affected me, but it would be completely fruitless. I won't engage in an argument with him. I won't engage with him at all anymore. I'd say it kills him, he's absolutely spoiling for a fight. His sense of entitlement is astounding. He thinks he can say the most emotionally abusive things to me and disown me, and then marvel at the fact that I don't allow my children to visit him.

Don't bother yourself with them.
Be open to reconciliation, but on your terms. If youre happy living your life without their comments and intrusion then be happy.

Happy Christmas to you and your children.

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I would love nothing more than to give him my tuppence worth and let him know what kind of a person he is and how his words and behaviour have affected me, but it would be completely fruitless. I won't engage in an argument with him. I won't engage with him at all anymore. I'd say it kills him, he's absolutely spoiling for a fight. His sense of entitlement is astounding. He thinks he can say the most emotionally abusive things to me and disown me, and then marvel at the fact that I don't allow my children to visit him.

Ah yeah, the only thing better than not giving someone a reaction they're spoiling for is living in peace yourself. The absolute nerve of him and his entitlement attitude, I hear ya. Be great if those of us with arsehole parents would ever just sort themselves out so everyone could win, sad when that's not the case.

qwerty13

I wouldn’t think he gives 2 hoots about seeing your children - it’s just another stick to beat you with. And one perfectly timed to maximise the guilt that he is trying to make you feel.

Don’t get sucked into his dramas, and don’t fall for his faux concern about seeing your kids. You’re doing absolutely the right thing with no contact.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

I wouldn’t think he gives 2 hoots about seeing your children - it’s just another stick to beat you with. And one perfectly timed to maximise the guilt that he is trying to make you feel.

Don’t get sucked into his dramas, and don’t fall for his faux concern about seeing your kids. You’re doing absolutely the right thing with no contact.

You could be spot on there.

qwerty13

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

You could be spot on there.

Harsh personal experience would say that I am likely to be right, unfortunately.

Just on the text notifications - check your phone settings to make sure youve blocked them properly. I don’t get any notifications from people I’ve blocked - no text message previews. It makes your life easier not to even know that they tried to contact you.

PS: it’s actually quite a brilliant plan on the part of your parent - as in it is almost guaranteed to put you right back where they want you: reacting to them (not ignoring them), feeling guilty (for the sake of your kids) and doubting yourself (undermining your hard work on going no contact). Of COURSE they are wrong in all of this - I mean the nastiness of trying to get to you via your kids is pretty astounding - that is, unless you are familiar with this kind of person, which I am.

Stay strong OP, and if you can stay no contact, life just becomes so much easier

Could well be an attempt to get in your kids' good books and win them over, turn them against you. I'd be wary of anyone, family included, who would step all over you like that but want to be pals with your kids.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

Harsh personal experience would say that I am likely to be right, unfortunately.

Just on the text notifications - check your phone settings to make sure youve blocked them properly. I don’t get any notifications from people I’ve blocked - no text message previews. It makes your life easier not to even know that they tried to contact you.

Thanks! I just checked an the settings were that I received notifications for all interceptions. I didn't realise this. I just changed to never receiving a notification for an interception. I think if I still went into blocked messages I'd see them there though.

qwerty13

If you get an iPhone, it doesn’t store blocked messages - so you’ll literally never know of any of the guilt trip / emotionally abusive messages they send. With the added bonus that you then won’t be tempted to react / engage, and that will drive them mad!

Sunrise_Sunset

Today I'm worrying that he may try to get visitation with my kids. Is this possible?

I read this on Citizens information;
Grandparents also have certain rights in relation to their grandchild. Where grandparents are having difficulty in maintaining contact with their grandchild, they can apply for access to the child through the District Court. Access can also be applied for if a child is in the care of the HSE.

And also this;
The Constitution of Ireland does not recognise any rights of grandparents or other members of a child's extended family. ... In simple terms this means that a grandparent must first get permission from the Court before they can bring their application for access.

You could just calmly tell him that he's not welcome due to his behavior..

Call me Al

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Thanks! I just checked an the settings were that I received notifications for all interceptions. I didn't realise this. I just changed to never receiving a notification for an interception. I think if I still went into blocked messages I'd see them there though.

If you do end up in court defending your decision to not allow him access to your children you may need to have records of abusive messages he's sent you and the time scale this has been going on for.
So I wouldn't be too quick at deleting the evidence that he himself has given to you.

tara73

Deleted User wrote: »

You could just calmly tell him that he's not welcome due to his behavior..

this logic doesn't help with real narcissists like this one. They turn everything against you, making you (the OP) the bad person.

OP, you are doing the right thing, cut all contact and try to avoid reading any stuff send from them. There's no basic ground possible with narcissicts like this, speaking from experience.

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Today I'm worrying that he may try to get visitation with my kids. Is this possible?

I read this on Citizens information;
Grandparents also have certain rights in relation to their grandchild. Where grandparents are having difficulty in maintaining contact with their grandchild, they can apply for access to the child through the District Court. Access can also be applied for if a child is in the care of the HSE.

And also this;
The Constitution of Ireland does not recognise any rights of grandparents or other members of a child's extended family. ... In simple terms this means that a grandparent must first get permission from the Court before they can bring their application for access.

I could be wrong and you should speak to free legal aid to put your mind at ease, but I believe that avenue is only there for extreme circumstances. Such as their child is dead and access by other means hasn't been facilitated. Or they saw their grandchildren regularly but the parents relationship broke down (their child is prob the father) and now access is rare if ever. Or grandchild is in care. or parent is still a minor themselves - and even if granted I think it's 2-3 times a year and could just be telephone or letters... nothing like shared parenting or anything like that. Based on an article I read years ago. I also remember reading a case of grandparents trying and failing to get access to a grandchild who's own child didn't want them involved (for good reasons), and it wasn't allowed. The judge will take into account your wishes and whether it's necessary to have contact (in your case it isn't. they have parents) I don't believe you have anything to worry about.

qwerty13

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Today I'm worrying that he may try to get visitation with my kids. Is this possible?

I read this on Citizens information;
Grandparents also have certain rights in relation to their grandchild. Where grandparents are having difficulty in maintaining contact with their grandchild, they can apply for access to the child through the District Court. Access can also be applied for if a child is in the care of the HSE.

And also this;
The Constitution of Ireland does not recognise any rights of grandparents or other members of a child's extended family. ... In simple terms this means that a grandparent must first get permission from the Court before they can bring their application for access.

Can’t see it tbh. That would involve effort on their part. And fundamentally, they don’t care enough about you or your kids to make that effort.

What I can see happening is that they will be super nice to your sibling that they fell out with, and manipulate your sibling into guilting you re your kids. Trying to get your sibling or other parent to ‘work on you’. This is what you have to watch out for, in my opinion. Or being told that the narcissistic parent is sick, and that you’re making them stressed / ill. All just part of a game on their part to drag you back into line. Its a nasty business, and one I have experience of. Never forget that normal rules of decent behaviour do not apply.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

I could be wrong and you should speak to free legal aid to put your mind at ease, but I believe that avenue is only there for extreme circumstances. Such as their child is dead and access by other means hasn't been facilitated. Or they saw their grandchildren regularly but the parents relationship broke down (their child is prob the father) and now access is rare if ever. Or grandchild is in care. or parent is still a minor themselves - and even if granted I think it's 2-3 times a year and could just be telephone or letters... nothing like shared parenting or anything like that. Based on an article I read years ago. I also remember reading a case of grandparents trying and failing to get access to a grandchild who's own child didn't want them involved (for good reasons), and it wasn't allowed. The judge will take into account your wishes and whether it's necessary to have contact (in your case it isn't. they have parents) I don't believe you have anything to worry about.

Thank you for that. It definitely put my mind at ease a bit. I just woke up in a panic about that this morning. I might actually enquire with a free legal aid, thank you for the tip.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

Can’t see it tbh. That would involve effort on their part. And fundamentally, they don’t care enough about you or your kids to make that effort.

What I can see happening is that they will be super nice to your sibling that they fell out with, and manipulate your sibling into guilting you re your kids. Trying to get your sibling or other parent to ‘work on you’. This is what you have to watch out for, in my opinion. Or being told that the narcissistic parent is sick, and that you’re making them stressed / ill. All just part of a game on their part to drag you back into line. Its a nasty business, and one I have experience of. Never forget that normal rules of decent behaviour do not apply.

Oh yes, I've already had that guilt trip over a year ago before he cut ties. "I'm a sick old man" and "why are you doing this to me?" and he made it clear I was cut off from any inheritance too, I believe this was another ploy to try to rope me back in, that I would get whipped into line cos I'd want the money. He's such a horrible person and he has gotten worse with old age.

qwerty13

My god. Textbook, isn’t it. Sounds like you’re well on your way in recognising his behaviour a mile off, and not falling for it. Good for you.

In my opinion, he knows that he can’t really get to you, so he’s gone for your weak spot - your kids. As in you want the best for them, and he’s trying to make it appear as though he cares about seeing them / could be a good grandfather to them. Of course it is all lies.

HildaOgdenx

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Thank you for that. It definitely put my mind at ease a bit. I just woke up in a panic about that this morning. I might actually enquire with a free legal aid, thank you for the tip.

I'm not an expert but, yes, as pp said, it would only be in defined circumstances that a grandparent would be deemed to have rights, to the best of my knowledge. It would also cost him money, as he would have to go the legal route, to find this out.

I am sorry that you are going through this. What a horrible situation. Absolutely prepare yourself, read up on 'flying monkeys' and the likes.

My opinion is that he wants do this purely as a way to gain control, with probably no real interest in the children.

Take care.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

My god. Textbook, isn’t it. Sounds like you’re well on your way in recognising his behaviour a mile off, and not falling for it. Good for you.

In my opinion, he knows that he can’t really get to you, so he’s gone for your weak spot - your kids. As in you want the best for them, and he’s trying to make it appear as though he cares about seeing them / could be a good grandfather to them. Of course it is all lies.

Absolutely! I didn't respond to any of it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. So he pulled out all the stops. First he's blaming me on him being sick, then it's cutting me off financially, then blaming me for my mother being sick due to stress, then cutting me off as his child, now trying to get at my kids. Never a truer narcissist than this man. The stories I could tell. As I'm sure you could do from your own experiences. But yes, this initially got to me, as it was 2 days before Christmas, and I had just spent time with my mother and my kids, and his behaviour left me shook. But I feel stronger again now today.

Sunrise_Sunset

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

I'm not an expert but, yes, as pp said, it would only be in defined circumstances that a grandparent would be deemed to have rights, to the best of my knowledge. It would also cost him money, as he would have to go the legal route, to find this out.

I am sorry that you are going through this. What a horrible situation. Absolutely prepare yourself, read up on 'flying monkeys' and the likes.

My opinion is that he wants do this purely as a way to gain control, with probably no real interest in the children.

Take care.

Thank you. I feel better reading this. He was probably trying this as a last ditch effort to get to me, as I didn't respond to any of his other tactics, but nonetheless it left me very worried. I would rather leave the country than let my kids see him!

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Thank you. I feel better reading this. He was probably trying this as a last ditch effort to get to me, as I didn't respond to any of his other tactics, but nonetheless it left me very worried. I would rather leave the country than let my kids see him!

These types know how to push our buttons best, and that's what he's doing now. Thrashing around trying to push every last one in a desperate attempt for control. I hope all the blocks are well in place now so he can't affect you like this ever again. And if anything comes thru the post just burn it without reading. Your kids deserve you at your best and you so you deserve to be; don't let him rob one more minute of your happiness and peace of mind. Have you ever tried writing or typing in a journal? Every now and then when my feelings or fears start to get on top of me I do this and it's a great load off my mind. I have a paper one and a folder on my computer too. Might help for you to get all that out, mind yourself and happy Christmas to you and your kids.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

These types know how to push our buttons best, and that's what he's doing now. Thrashing around trying to push every last one in a desperate attempt for control. I hope all the blocks are well in place now so he can't affect you like this ever again. And if anything comes thru the post just burn it without reading. Your kids deserve you at your best and you so you deserve to be; don't let him rob one more minute of your happiness and peace of mind. Have you ever tried writing or typing in a journal? Every now and then when my feelings or fears start to get on top of me I do this and it's a great load off my mind. I have a paper one and a folder on my computer too. Might help for you to get all that out, mind yourself man and happy Christmas to you and your kids.

Oh yes, he wrote a letter a few months ago too. The poison that was in it! I read it but then ripped it up and threw it out. I knew if I kept it that I'd just keep reading it over and over and it would keep affecting me. I have since moved house and he doesn't have my address, but my mother does, and I think he could get it pretty easily if he wanted to, even though I've told my mother not to give it to him. She obviously gave him her phone yesterday to call me from, and I answered it. Or maybe he just took her phone without her knowing, I don't know.
I did write a reply to his letter, knowing that I would never send it, but just to get a few things off my chest, and it worked really well. You are right, my kids deserve me at my best and I can't let him ruin my life any longer. The past year since we've been estranged has actually been amazing! It was like a weight lifted from me. That's when I really, really knew how much of an awful person he is. I felt so light and airy and was loving life without him in it.

Panthro

OP, you've got this.
Keep doing what you're doing (or more so keep doing nothing!) you've already won because he's nothing on you. He's exhausted all his tactics. Let him off.
Enjoy the Xmas wiry the family and all the best!

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Oh yes, he wrote a letter a few months ago too. The poison that was in it! I read it but then ripped it up and threw it out. I knew if I kept it that I'd just keep reading it over and over and it would keep affecting me. I have since moved house and he doesn't have my address, but my mother does, and I think he could get it pretty easily if he wanted to, even though I've told my mother not to give it to him. She obviously gave him her phone yesterday to call me from, and I answered it. Or maybe he just took her phone without her knowing, I don't know.
I did write a reply to his letter, knowing that I would never send it, but just to get a few things off my chest, and it worked really well. You are right, my kids deserve me at my best and I can't let him ruin my life any longer. The past year since we've been estranged has actually been amazing! It was like a weight lifted from me. That's when I really, really knew how much of an awful person he is. I felt so light and airy and was loving life without him in it.

Your dad seems to have the textbook alright, he's going through each and every predictable play in it!
What's the story with your mam, is she condoning this? Is he a bully to her, too?
Yep when anyone in your life serves to do nothing more than bring you down and harm your mental health, it's definitely a sign that they need to go. With parents or family it's especially hard to keep the boundaries up and as someone else mentioned there will be flying monkeys about ("but he's your dad," "you'll regret it one day," "he reared you,") but they aren't in your shoes. I read something on here once from someone who had been through something similar and it was brilliant: they may have given you life but you don't owe them yours. Every time you're tempted to unblock or respond to a tactic, remember how good it feels to not have that around you!

Xterminator

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

You are best placed to decide what is the best for your children. But there is a danger you could be acting from emotion here, by denying your children the relationship with their grandparent(s), as a bargaining chip.

the relationship with the grandparents is through
the parents.

no bargaining chip, just the way it is

lawred2

qwerty13 wrote: »

I wouldn’t think he gives 2 hoots about seeing your children - it’s just another stick to beat you with. And one perfectly timed to maximise the guilt that he is trying to make you feel.

Don’t get sucked into his dramas, and don’t fall for his faux concern about seeing your kids. You’re doing absolutely the right thing with no contact.

Exactly..

What does he do the rest of the year?

Is he as eager to see them on the second Thursday in February?

This is posturing. To inflict maximum upset.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

Your dad seems to have the textbook alright, he's going through each and every predictable play in it!
What's the story with your mam, is she condoning this? Is he a bully to her, too?
Yep when anyone in your life serves to do nothing more than bring you down and harm your mental health, it's definitely a sign that they need to go. With parents or family it's especially hard to keep the boundaries up and as someone else mentioned there will be flying monkeys about ("but he's your dad," "you'll regret it one day," "he reared you,") but they aren't in your shoes. I read something on here once from someone who had been through something similar and it was brilliant: they may have given you life but you don't owe them yours. Every time you're tempted to unblock or respond to a tactic, remember how good it feels to not have that around you!

He has always been dominant and controlling in their marriage. She is a people pleaser and very passive. She does enable him. But I don't hold it against her, I know she's in a very difficult situation. Torn between her husband and her kids, and she still has to live with him. It's him causing all of the stress in the family, not me.
I have only told very close friends about my familial situation cos I know that people just wouldn't understand. Even the close friends I've told don't really get it but they know I'm genuine so they sympathise with me, but they have great parents so it's hard to understand. I think in our society most people blame the children in these situations.

Sunrise_Sunset

lawred2 wrote: »

Exactly..

What does he do the rest of the year?

Is he as eager to see them on the second Thursday in February?

This is posturing. To inflict maximum upset.

No, not so much 😉, funny that.
And the time he wrote me the poisonous letter was a few days after his birthday, when he was acting the baby and throwing his toys out of the pram because I didn't get in touch for his birthday. We were already estranged by then, and he had been extremely emotionally abusive and he thought what...that I'd get in touch for his birthday?! 😵

ILoveYourVibes

Its up to your children really if they are old enough to decide.


If THEY decide to see their grandparents that is their choice.

If they are too young to decide ...then its up to you.

I wouldn't turn my children against my parents because my parents and i fell out.

I don't think i would think i was a 'package deal' with my kids. They are their own people etc.

If i thought my parents were a DANGER to my children that would be different though.

I really really would feel weird sending my kids to a place i was not allowed to supervise a little. I mean leaving kids alone for an hr or so with someone i trust is fine. But leaving them in a house you can't really see and know the environment etc.

I think you need to know what is going to be going on around children.

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

the relationship with the grandparents is through
the parents.

no bargaining chip, just the way it is

My relationship with my grandmother and grandad was NOT through my dad and mom ..it was between me as a person and my grandparents.

Often my mother didn't get on with her mother in law. They had awful awful rows and personality clashes. They are both stubborn.

But my relationship with her was always separate. Thank god!

Sunrise_Sunset

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its up to your children really if they are old enough to decide.


If THEY decide to see their grandparents that is their choice.

If they are too young to decide ...then its up to you.

I wouldn't turn my children against my parents because my parents and i fell out.

I don't think i would think i was a 'package deal' with my kids. They are their own people etc.

If i thought my parents were a DANGER to my children that would be different though.

I really really would feel weird sending my kids to a place i was not allowed to supervise a little. I mean leaving kids alone for an hr or so with someone i trust is fine. But leaving them in a house you can't really see and know the environment etc.

I think you need to know what is going to be going on around children.

I don't agree.
According to him I am no longer his child, therefore my children are no longer his grandchildren.
Also, my children are not missing out on a relationship with him. All he ever did was sit and read the paper in the same room as them for 5 minutes, then get fed up of the noise and leave the room, little to no interaction with them. Hardly a relationship.
He has said extremely poisonous and untrue things, he treats everyone terribly, there is no way I could trust him around my kids if I weren't there. And I can't trust my mother to intervene as she is under his thumb.

Did yesterday pass drama free anyway?

Sunrise_Sunset

Deleted User wrote: »

Did yesterday pass drama free anyway?

Yes! We had a really lovely family day with my own little family. Thank you.

qwerty13

Very glad for you that you had a lovely stress free day OP. Well done on not engaging. I know that can be difficult this time of year, when you have that feeling of almost being sucked back into the drama.

StinkyMunkey

This person will use any avenue to try and get to you. It was never about seeing the kids, it is simply about trying a new approach to hurt you.

It will be eating them up inside that you had the audacity to block them from your life, they will try anything to get to you, to hurt you.

Carry on with your life and simply do not engage, this more and than anything will punish them for their behaviour. The moment you engage, you empower them.

Your mother is under this nasty persons spell, deep down on some level she knows but will never address it.

This narcissistic will never change, they are incapable of changing. Continue as you are doing and carry on with your life without them in it. They are undeserving of a second thought. You obviously are a victim of a life time of emotional & psychological abuse.

Fakediamond

Just be prepared for everything that will follow. He will try and isolate you from all of the family, including your mother. If at all possible, have a chat with her and try and work something out to maintain contact, no matter how he tries to emotionally blackmail her. He will do it, you will have to be severely punished for daring to be brave enough to cut him off.

Whenever you waver in your resolve, remember that he does not love you, your children, your siblings, or his wife. You all just had a role to play in feeding his narcissistic needs. Harsh I know, but that is the sad reality.

qwerty13

Just reading Stinky & Fake’s posts - they are exactly right from my experience. Scarily familiar and on the button.

It is such a hard thing to explain / get across to people who aren’t familiar with narcissistic behaviours. I didn’t really try, except to very very close friends. And I’m not sure they even quite got it. I guess if you take individual incidents, it can seem not ‘too bad’. But when you take the sum of the incidents, over a lifetime, it has the capacity to really damage: constantly being manipulated, ‘punished’ for not behaving as the narcissist wants, and never knowing where the next blow is going to come from.

On the plus side, once you gain proper awareness of the narcissistic behaviour, it becomes very easy to see what they are up to. And when you see the full weight of they way they have / are treating you, no contact is not as difficult as it might seem. And it is such an incredible relief to have no contact.

I think you are doing everything perfectly. Just be careful that your poor mother might be used against you. It took me a while to get over that part tbh, but I don’t harbour any ill will towards that parent any more. They’re a victim too. Just a far less enlightened one than you.

Sunrise_Sunset

Fakediamond wrote: »

Just be prepared for everything that will follow. He will try and isolate you from all of the family, including your mother. If at all possible, have a chat with her and try and work something out to maintain contact, no matter how he tries to emotionally blackmail her. He will do it, you will have to be severely punished for daring to be brave enough to cut him off.

Whenever you waver in your resolve, remember that he does not love you, your children, your siblings, or his wife. You all just had a role to play in feeding his narcissistic needs. Harsh I know, but that is the sad reality.

I do feel that his next step will be to try to isolate my mother from me, and this worries me a lot. I don't know that she would be strong enough to stand up for herself and our relationship. I know that he doesn't love me or my children. I don't love him either. My life improved immensely since he cut ties with me, I just wish it could be more permanent, like if we lived further apart, or if he and my mother weren't together anymore. Ireland can be a bit a bit of a village.

qwerty13 wrote: »

Just reading Stinky & Fake’s posts - they are exactly right from my experience. Scarily familiar and on the button.

It is such a hard thing to explain / get across to people who aren’t familiar with narcissistic behaviours. I didn’t really try, except to very very close friends. And I’m not sure they even quite got it. I guess if you take individual incidents, it can seem not ‘too bad’. But when you take the sum of the incidents, over a lifetime, it has the capacity to really damage: constantly being manipulated, ‘punished’ for not behaving as the narcissist wants, and never knowing where the next blow is going to come from.

On the plus side, once you gain proper awareness of the narcissistic behaviour, it becomes very easy to see what they are up to. And when you see the full weight of they way they have / are treating you, no contact is not as difficult as it might seem. And it is such an incredible relief to have no contact.

I think you are doing everything perfectly. Just be careful that your poor mother might be used against you. It took me a while to get over that part tbh, but I don’t harbour any ill will towards that parent any more. They’re a victim too. Just a far less enlightened one than you.

I too have only confided in a few very close friends. They don't really understand though and I don't expect them to.
I don't blame my mother either. She has been controlled by this man her entire adult life. I know that some would say she's partly to blame for enabling him but I truly understand her predicament. To me she is an angel and I love her dearly.