Parent cut ties with me but still thinks they can see my children

pinkyeye

Can I ask OP how does your mother manager to see the children without your father there?

I'm asking because I've quite a toxic relationship with my father but I maintain it because I want to see my mother.

Sunrise_Sunset

pinkyeye wrote: »

Can I ask OP how does your mother manager to see the children without your father there?

I'm asking because I've quite a toxic relationship with my father but I maintain it because I want to see my mother.

Well we don't go to the house anymore. We meet in our local town/village for lunch and I bring the kids. We might have a walk etc. Sometimes I'll bring her along for days out to places the kids want to go to. For now it works, but I do worry that as she gets older it won't.

strandroad

OP one thing I would advise you to do is to write down everything this person said or wrote to you, even if it's upsetting and you purged it for good reason. Keep a journal going forward too. They will try to manipulate your family for sure, and you should be able to lay your reasons out clearly to anyone who needs evidence of what kind of person you are dealing with. People are not used to narcissist abuse and they might look for goodwill where there is none; you don't want to be in a position where in a few years your own child says "well that's only your word against theirs". Please trust me that it does help to have a reminder.

Sunrise_Sunset

strandroad wrote: »

OP one thing I would advise you to do is to write down everything this person said or wrote to you, even if it's upsetting and you purged it for good reason. Keep a journal going forward too. They will try to manipulate your family for sure, and you should be able to lay your reasons out clearly to anyone who needs evidence of what kind of person you are dealing with. People are not used to narcissist abuse and they might look for goodwill where there is none; you don't want to be in a position where in a few years your own child says "well that's only your word against theirs". Please trust me that it does help to have a reminder.

This is great advice, thank you. I will do this.

pinkyeye

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Well we don't go to the house anymore. We meet in our local town/village for lunch and I bring the kids. We might have a walk etc. Sometimes I'll bring her along for days out to places the kids want to go to. For now it works, but I do worry that as she gets older it won't.

Yeah, it's definitely a worry. My Mam is currently dying of lung cancer so we have to bring the children and great grandchildren to the house and yet he's still there so it's sickening.

Sunrise_Sunset

OP here.
A new development in recent days. My mother rang me, saying my Dad asked her to ring me saying he wants to make amends. He knew I wouldn't speak to him if he rang me so he went through my mother. He says he misses me and he wants to make amends. I said well does he miss me or miss the kids, cos to me this just reeks of him realising that he won't be seeing my kids with the way that things are right now between us. I was more honest with my mother about the things he has said and done and she said she understands everything that I am saying. I said I would need to think about it. Urrrrggghhhhh.

HildaOgdenx

Take your time. You don't have to agree to anything.

Just looking back over your posts ...'According to him I am no longer his child' etc. That's not an easy thing to get past, in my opinion. So as I said, you don't have to agree to anything, or any contact, just because he has decided he wants it.

Do you have someone that you can talk it all out with, preferably someone completely outside of the situation?

qwerty13

Are you sure this comes from him, or might it be your mother trying to force some sort of reconciliation?

I’ve never really understood the point about him seeing your kids. It sounded to me as though he has minimal / no interest in them.

Before I’d consider even thinking about this, I would want to know how he proposes to make amends. And I’d be looking for a detailed letter of apology from him. As he’s so fond of letter writing.

ManOfMystery

If he wants to make amends, and you're open to that, then I'd let him try - but without your kids present. Any meetings should be with him and you only for now, and if he's truly wanting to try to fix things then he'll exercise a little patience. If it's just a ploy to see the kids then I doubt his patience will last due to his nature.

Away With The Fairies

Narcissists don't apologize. Don't hold out hope. He may try but they find it physically impossible to actually say sorry. But will use their attempt at whatever they call apologizing and making amends to use against you. Well it's your fault you're not taking it even though they will never ever say one little word-sorry. You might get some attempt at making amends alright but no actual apology because deep down they still feel the hatred towards you and think you're not worthy of an apology.

Sunrise_Sunset

I really don't think he's that interested in the kids. He showed little interest in the years leading up to this fall out, particularly with my youngest. But at the same time, because it's so soon after the ambush phone call and text messages, I thought maybe he could miss them. However, that's not the same as missing me and wanting to repair this relationship.
My mother is not the type to try to get in the middle of things, so I don't think she's pushing him to do so.
But I said to her, even if we were to make amends, it's not going to last, he will blow up again in the not so distant future, absolutely guaranteed, so what's the point?...only to have to go through all of this again.

Stateofyou

Have you read back over your post here since that phone call? If not, you should have a read again at the shocking things that happened, that was said, and the impact it all had on you. He is an abusive narcissist who has verbally abused you and cut you out as one of his own and financially too. He didn't even interact with your children while they were there, so I don't think that's driving anything here behind his reason for the phone call. He needs to be back in control, which you've taken away by putting in boundaries on him. Saying he misses you is just another manipulation, in my opinion (so sorry to even say that).
Going by what you've said he's not capable of love or any sort of nurturing. The abuse he's been heaping on you doesn't work without episodes of occasional kindness which is intended to keep you confused and reel you back in. They're just games that he's playing. Remember how good you felt after you put those boundaries in place? Remember how badly you felt and how not long ago you knew he'd never change and how he has only been getting worse. Those things are still true so be very careful you don't sacrifice your peace and well-being again just so he can go back to ignoring your children and then ripping you apart. It's a cycle and it's who he is, despite how badly I'm sure you want to believe he's changed and really misses you. How could he have changed? Don't be tempted to get sucked back in. Believe in what you have already seen. Toxic people rarely, if ever change.

qwerty13

I believe the kids are a red herring in this. If he’s the kind of person I think he is, they’re completely irrelevant to him. And you are distracting yourself from the main issues by wanting to believe that he gives a fiddlers about your kids. He doesn’t. But you were the one to bring that up in the recent contact, I don’t really understand why. All you’re doing is reminding him (even through conversation your mother will repeat to him) that him trying to guilt you about the kids got to you. Don’t throw him ammo like that.

*** He doesn’t miss your kids at all. He doesn’t miss you. Neither of those are his motivation. He’s motivated because you’ve thwarted him and are ignoring him. ***

Your mother: you’ve said that you don’t believe she’s the kind of person to put herself in the middle of things. But she is. She has accepted being your fathers voice to you. The only remaining question is whether this came from him (which I have my doubts about) or her. Ask her, plain and simple. Hopefully you’ll know her well enough to know if she’s telling the truth.

Like I said, before I’d consider phone calls, let alone visiting him, I’d want to know how he proposes to make amends (as I highly, highly doubt he used that phrase) - and an apology letter (as this will prove how genuine he is, or, more likely, isn’t. Apologies are not something he will be able to stomach. The most he’ll do is some half-assed apology, during which he makes it mostly your fault. And if he does that, you’re right back to square one). Basically no genuine detailed letter of apology = no contact. Anything less is just going to be the cycle repeating itself all over again. Which it might do anyway, even if he grits his teeth to write that letter. But less likely.

Sunrise_Sunset

I'm not going to decide this in one day, or even one week.
How I feel today and the past few days is that I don't want to go back to having this relationship in my life. I really don't. I don't feel this gesture is genuine. I feel that things will blow up again in the near future. One thing that caused us huge rows in the lead up to the falling out was that my mothers health seemed to be declining and we were worried about it being the beginning stages of dementia. Her own mother suffered with it too. We still don't really know if that's what's going on, although the doctors have said that it isn't, to everyone that is close to her, it feels like it is. This is the only reason right now that I would even consider establishing a relationship again, to discuss my mothers health. I don't want to be frozen out if she starts to decline and we can't meet up outside of her home anymore, or if she goes into a nursing home. I really want to be there for her, but I don't know if he would allow it. I know he would try to take control of the whole situation.
On another note I asked my mother if he had made amends with my other sibling who he fell out with in the past few months too, and she said no. So I wonder, why would he want to make amends with me but seemingly not my sibling?! It just doesn't make sense.

valoren

He is suffering a narcissistic injury in you cutting contact. When the word gets out that there is a rift in his family then it won't reflect well on him. What he is doing here is an act of self-preservation. He is sending in your mother as a flying monkey in a hoovering attempt to bring you back into a cycle of abuse. And if you ignore this attempt? You're the bad person, you're the one who doesn't want to make amends, you're the one causing all the hassle and strife etc. Don't fall for it. That feeling of you being mindful of and of trying to protect your reputation within the family is the power narcissists wield over people. You can't win with people like that, they invite you to play mind games you can't win. The people who matter to you know the kind of person you are, those who believe his manipulation of who is to blame (i.e. you) are people who shouldn't matter to you. Reply to your mother and tell her that the damage is done, paraphrase what he said to you; that he's your father only in name and that you have no interest in maintaining what has long been a toxic relationship. If she's clued in, she'll know and you should make it obvious that just because you no longer speak to your father that this decision explicitly does not extend itself towards her and that you will look forward to keeping in contact with her and her alone.

Sunrise_Sunset

So, 2 weeks after my mother rang me saying he wants to make amends, he tried ringing and texting me again. I have notifications of blocked numbers switched off now but I got a notification of a voicemail which I never get and thought this was odd, so I went into my blocked calls and messages and there were several from him. I can't read the texts as they are blocked, just the first line, and it wasn't an apology it was more of a "let's just forget about everything and move on".

Within minutes my phone rang and it was my mother so I answered it. I could hear him in the background and I thought "Oh f*ck, here we go". She said he wants to apologise and will I talk to him. I said I'm hanging up the phone now, and I did. I then text her and said do not ambush me like that again, respect my boundaries, the answer to his question is no, and do not ask me about it again.

I finally said no. That I do not want a relationship. And it feels amazing. After a year and a half of not talking, to make it final, I feel so relieved. I do feel worried about the future though, in relation to my mothers health, and how I will handle that situation, and if he will try to freeze me out of her life if her memory gets worse. I don't know how I will navigate through that. I'm considering going to speak to a counsellor for guidance.

qwerty13

I’m delighted for you. Well done - that takes bravery. And isn’t it just such a tremendous relief? And you’re so right re the ambushing. I never described it like that, but you’re absolutely right - that’s exactly what it is, designed to catch you on the hop, to make you comply.

Onwards and upwards from here on. I understand your concerns re your mother, but there’s no point in crossing that bridge until you absolutely have to. You can reassess if the time comes, and hopefully will have gained coping mechanisms by that time (if it happens).

I would say 100% talk to a professional. A lifetime of dealing with behaviour like that from a parent is incredibly damaging. Please look for recommendations and book something very soon. It is a slow process, but it really really opens your eyes, and helps with how you view the situation - and possibly more importantly, how you view yourself. You’ve had a lifetime of being undermined and doubting your own decisions - time to change that.

I wish you every bit of good luck. Well done OP.

Stateofyou

Well done on enforcing your boundaries. It's madness to keep yourself on the same vicious cycle. Hopefully your mam has learned that lesson there. Which is the point of boundaries - really, you're teaching others how you want and need to be treated, showing them what is unacceptable behaviour, while respecting and minding yourself. I know that toxic people rarely change but if they do, it has to begin with showing them they get nowhere with certain actions. I hope your da eventually decides to make some changes in himself. Therapy can help, both my wife have gone separately and together and honestly it probably saved us and our sanity. That is where we first learned it was ok to set boundaries on your parents and family. (thankfully you're already there!)

One question I have about these situations, is how do people handle other people's questions and comments about your toxic family members? Like the poster valoren pointed out once the word gets out there's a rift in the family it won't reflect well on him. But how does word get out? Gossip by those closest family members who know? For example, my wife and I happened to run into friends of my parents yesterday evening and one of our kids was with us. There was quite a few awkward comments about when they last saw my parents, how lovely they are, asking my kid if Granny isn't the best (I interrupted on this one and made a quick comment to take the pressure off), asked my wife to tell my mother they were asking for her, etc. You know the usual stuff. It happens from time to time we always just do our best to smile through it. Very close friends of ours would know the truth as does some family. We are now complete no contact with them after years of toxic abuse. My wife and I were talking about this last night and wondered do we just keep covering it up? Do we say something about how unfortunately we don't speak? At least it would put a short stop to the awkwardness of it all. The way my wife and I have been treated is shocking and it feels like we're doing them some favour by keeping their bad behaviour secret but we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable either. Wondering how others handle this! It crossed our mind that if this happens to us when we run into folks, they must get the questions about us too..

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

One question I have about these situations, is how do people handle other people's questions and comments about your toxic family members? Like the poster valoren pointed out once the word gets out there's a rift in the family it won't reflect well on him. But how does word get out? Gossip by those closest family members who know? For example, my wife and I happened to run into friends of my parents yesterday evening and one of our kids was with us. There was quite a few awkward comments about when they last saw my parents, how lovely they are, asking my kid if Granny isn't the best (I interrupted on this one and made a quick comment to take the pressure off), asked my wife to tell my mother they were asking for her, etc. You know the usual stuff. It happens from time to time we always just do our best to smile through it. Very close friends of ours would know the truth as does some family. We are now complete no contact with them after years of toxic abuse. My wife and I were talking about this last night and wondered do we just keep covering it up? Do we say something about how unfortunately we don't speak? At least it would put a short stop to the awkwardness of it all. The way my wife and I have been treated is shocking and it feels like we're doing them some favour by keeping their bad behaviour secret but we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable either. Wondering how others handle this! It crossed our mind that if this happens to us when we run into folks, they must get the questions about us too..

This will be a learning curve for me too, how to navigate through those questions and awkward situations. A lot of people seem to place blame on the adult children and pity on the parent in these situations. I have told a few close friends about my situation and they are understanding but some of them feel that because of my mother and her ailing mental health, I should continue a relationship with my father. Occasionally if I'm talking to a friend or acquaintance and they say Oh I met your Dad recently etc, I just listen and smile along and don't say much. I'm thinking, going forward, if someone were to ask me how he is, I might just respond that we are estranged and I don't know how he is, and leave it at that. There will be some awkwardness but there's not a lot of detail given with that, so I think it might be ok. Some of my extended family, cousins etc, are in my social circle, and they are aware of the situation. I was talking with one of my auntie's during the week, and she was honest with me about his behaviour over the years, and how years ago after an altercation between my father and her husband, she branded him as dangerous and tried to steer clear of him, and she is right. I guess a big fear is being judged as the bad guy in the situation, but I have to try to let that go and try not to care and move on with my life.

qwerty13

I’ll post properly later - but this jumped out at me:

”I guess a big fear is being judged as the bad guy in the situation, but I have to try to let that go and try not to care and move on”

That is from years of your fathers behaviour, and you being constantly told that you’re bad or wrong. You’re not wrong. You’re not bad. And anyone with an ounce of cop on who has seen you both will know that. It was amazing to me how people really knew or at least suspected all along that the family member was (at the very least) truly not a nice person. But the family member somewhat tried to condition others too.

You know you are right. You know you are done with being treated badly. You know he will pretend to reconcile, and that will mean absolutely and utterly nothing.

One of the big shockers I found from seeking professional help is that my view of ‘what others think of me’ is hugely skewed. As in I have placed too much importance on it - because that’s how I’ve been conditioned to be, ie not trusting my own thoughts. I cannot stress how much I feel that you need to seek counselling.

A very bright light is that you are not falling for the ‘seeing my grandchildren’ crap. My god, how nasty and textbook emotional blackmail was that. Thank god you’ve seen through that move.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

I’ll post properly later - but this jumped out at me:

”I guess a big fear is being judged as the bad guy in the situation, but I have to try to let that go and try not to care and move on”

That is from years of your fathers behaviour, and you being constantly told that you’re bad or wrong. You’re not wrong. You’re not bad. And anyone with an ounce of cop on who has seen you both will know that. It was amazing to me how people really knew or at least suspected all along that the family member was (at the very least) truly not a nice person. But the family member somewhat tried to condition others too.

You know you are right. You know you are done with being treated badly. You know he will pretend to reconcile, and that will mean absolutely and utterly nothing.

One of the big shockers I found from seeking professional help is that my view of ‘what others think of me’ is hugely skewed. As in I have placed too much importance on it - because that’s how I’ve been conditioned to be, ie not trusting my own thoughts. I cannot stress how much I feel that you need to seek counselling.

A very bright light is that you are not falling for the ‘seeing my grandchildren’ crap. My god, how nasty and textbook emotional blackmail was that. Thank god you’ve seen through that move.

Thanks qwerty for your continuous great advice.
Yeah I do feel the need more than ever to speak to a professional, and I'm looking at people in my locality at the moment.
In my situation it seems that many people know that he is not a good person. This was confirmed by my auntie this week. She went further than she ever had before, with her honesty of his behaviour. I know that he has a huge chip on his shoulder, always thinks everyone is out to get him, never sees the good in anyone, never has a good word to say about anyone,....and they are only his minor negative attributes, he has a huge list of major ones too as I previously posted about. It's definitely hard to stop caring what others think. But I agree most of it is in my own head, and my own hang up, because anyone that knows him knows he's not a good person so realistically they'd probably agree that I'm in the right.

Also, I'm thinking more and more about what I should tell my children, especially now that I've decided not to go back to this relationship. I guess this is where speaking to a professional will help a lot too.

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I have told a few close friends about my situation and they are understanding but some of them feel that because of my mother and her ailing mental health, I should continue a relationship with my father.

I'm thinking, going forward, if someone were to ask me how he is, I might just respond that we are estranged and I don't know how he is, and leave it at that. There will be some awkwardness but there's not a lot of detail given with that, so I think it might be ok.

What I learned through my own therapy is that you have to be careful who you confide in. Sometimes when you're talking about what you've been through to people who can't relate and/or lacking in empathy it can actually make you suffer worse by their judgments.

I'm thinking the same as you with a similar response. It feels horrible just going along with 'we're all one happy family' impression. Therapy helped a bit with this too but I still struggle with speaking up. We have been encouraged to shut down any further line of questioning (we don't have to defend our decisions to anyone) and though I struggle with what people with think or even what my parents might have said I try to keep in mind those who know us best love and support us and everyone else to be honest probably realises there's two sides. And that has to be enough. The kids know on varying levels due to age difference what's going on. We've used it to teach them about healthy boundaries and respect and protection for yourself. Without going into all the rougher detail, we've tried to explain it on terms of bullying which they know about through school teachings. And we talk about hope for a better future.

qwerty13

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Thanks qwerty for your continuous great advice.
Yeah I do feel the need more than ever to speak to a professional, and I'm looking at people in my locality at the moment.
In my situation it seems that many people know that he is not a good person. This was confirmed by my auntie this week. She went further than she ever had before, with her honesty of his behaviour. I know that he has a huge chip on his shoulder, always thinks everyone is out to get him, never sees the good in anyone, never has a good word to say about anyone,....and they are only his minor negative attributes, he has a huge list of major ones too as I previously posted about. It's definitely hard to stop caring what others think. But I agree most of it is in my own head, and my own hang up, because anyone that knows him knows he's not a good person so realistically they'd probably agree that I'm in the right.

Also, I'm thinking more and more about what I should tell my children, especially now that I've decided not to go back to this relationship. I guess this is where speaking to a professional will help a lot too.

That’s the thing with people like him. They can play a good game, but deep down people know he’s not a nice person. But because he’s so good at playing a good game, people don’t really get the true nastiness that goes on. In my unqualified opinion, it is narcissistic behaviour. Which is almost impossible to deal with. No contact is the only way. I’ve been painted as the bad / mad / unreasonable one - and you know what, I don’t care anymore. It’s a hugely freeing place to be.

Neyite

Brace yourself for a 'health scare'. A trip to A&E with chest pains or something like that. You'd be blamed of course, stress of the situation or some variant via the flying monkeys he sends your way.


Ignore it all.

Sunrise_Sunset

Hi, OP here.
Sorry for resurrecting this thread, especially when there are way bigger problems in the world right now. But I am at my wit's end.
My father keeps trying to text and ring me. I switched off notifications on my phone for blocked messages and texts. But somehow he is able to get through to my voicemail, and so I am now getting voicemail notifications. I don't listen to them. But everytime I see something coming through it is causing me severe anxiety. I want to change my phone number, but I would have to give my new phone number to my mother and he could just get it from her phone anyway. How can I get around this?! I just don't know what to do. I'm cracking up.
One of the things he text me last week was "E0" , I presume he is warning me that I am getting 0 inheritance. Again harping on about this, as if I care. And now he's probably ringing me to try and make up. He's back and forth. I am actually seriously starting to wonder about his mental health.

qwerty13

Turn off voicemail on your phone. You don’t need it - everyone either texts or calls these days. Who listens to voicemail anyway!

My honest opinion is that your anxiety is causing you to way overthink what ‘E0’ means. I’d suggest that it means nothing except a slip of the finger. If you’ve blocked him, I don’t understand why you’re seeing texts from him anyway. I hope you’re not blocking and unblocking him?

Stateofyou

Hiya, hope you and your family are doing well.
My sense from what you've written is that your parents are (or should be) isolated like everyone else in the country, and now with very little else to do, he's probably ruminating more on this situation and his feelings on his loss of power and control over you and so is kicking up now trying to get you to drop your boundary.
Who cares what his messages are now? He hasn't changed, he's not reaching out in contriteness or kindness, if anything he MIGHT try and make you think he's sorry but he won't mean it. Remember the cycles you've been through with him, and the damage he's always done. Seriously, write them out to see the pattern if you have to. Remember that he's a narcissist, and how he did this just recently at Christmas...
My advice to you would be to block him and his texts. Call your service provider if he's still getting through to voicemail and see if there's something they can do on their end to put a stop to it. If he ever uses your mother's phone do not respond to any messages. If your mother tries to pass any along, stop her there and even tell her you're not interested, you're hanging up now and will speak to her later. Rinse, repeat.
He can only affect you if you let him, YOU have control here, he knows it, and it bothers the absolute sh*te out of him. Don't rise to it! Mind yourself, this is the last thing you and your family need right now.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

Turn off voicemail on your phone. You don’t need it - everyone either texts or calls these days. Who listens to voicemail anyway!

My honest opinion is that your anxiety is causing you to way overthink what ‘E0’ means. I’d suggest that it means nothing except a slip of the finger. If you’ve blocked him, I don’t understand why you’re seeing texts from him anyway. I hope you’re not blocking and unblocking him?

My phone is not a good one. And I recently changed to a new network, and since then people have been getting through to my voicemail. On my old network it was disabled. I have tried disabling it with this new network but I can't. So although his texts and calls are blocked and I don't get any notifications of those anymore, I am getting notifications of voicemails. So when I try to see who tried to call me and can't see any missed calls, if I then go into my blocked calls I can see that it was his number.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

Hiya, hope you and your family are doing well.
My sense from what you've written is that your parents are (or should be) isolated like everyone else in the country, and now with very little else to do, he's probably ruminating more on this situation and his feelings on his loss of power and control over you and so is kicking up now trying to get you to drop your boundary.
Who cares what his messages are now? He hasn't changed, he's not reaching out in contriteness or kindness, if anything he MIGHT try and make you think he's sorry but he won't mean it. Remember the cycles you've been through with him, and the damage he's always done. Seriously, write them out to see the pattern if you have to. Remember that he's a narcissist, and how he did this just recently at Christmas...
My advice to you would be to block him and his texts. Call your service provider if he's still getting through to voicemail and see if there's something they can do on their end to put a stop to it. If he ever uses your mother's phone do not respond to any messages. If your mother tries to pass any along, stop her there and even tell her you're not interested, you're hanging up now and will speak to her later. Rinse, repeat.
He can only affect you if you let him, YOU have control here, he knows it, and it bothers the absolute sh*te out of him. Don't rise to it! Mind yourself, this is the last thing you and your family need right now.

I was so wound up yesterday. I decided to reply. I've been silent for a year and a half. I replied; 'In case you have forgotten, you disowned me over a year ago, your words being "you are not my daughter anymore". Stop trying to contact me. It's harassment. Your texts are unread and your voice messages not listened to. You are wasting your time'. I tried to keep it matter of fact and not show any emotion, and I didn't get any digs in. Just kept it to the point. And reminding him of why we are in this situation, cos in his mind it is my fault.
His attempts at contact cause me severe anxiety. I can't even think about ever speaking to him or seeing him ever again.
He is probably worrying that his number will be up soon, as he has underlying health conditions. But I will not be drawn in.

Panthro

Is it too radical a suggestion to say switch numbers?
I know you want to keep the one you have so your mum can contact you.
But switch numbers and sit down once in a while to write letters to your mum.
He probably won't bother his hole to write you a letter and if he does, tear em up and bin em. Job done!

You seem to be handling it well OP..

Sunrise_Sunset

Panthro wrote: »

Is it too radical a suggestion to say switch numbers?
I know you want to keep the one you have so your mum can contact you.
But switch numbers and sit down once in a while to write letters your mum.
He probably won't bother his hole to write you a letter and if he does, tear em up and bin em. Job done!

Yes, I am considering it. But the main reason I'm stalling on this is because of my Mam. What if she urgently needed to contact me?
I moved house last year, and my Mam doesn't have my new address, I won't give it to her, because of him. I can't take the risk that he would just show up at my door. They know the estate I am in, but it's a big estate, they don't know where exactly. My Mam has memory issues so she'd have to write my address down and he could easily get it.

Sunrise_Sunset

Deleted User wrote: »

You seem to be handling it well OP..

Yesterday I was a mess, but much better today, thank you.

Panthro

Ah OK. Gah, that's a balls OP.

Hannibal_Smith

Stateofyou hit the nail on the head there OP. Developing a way of dealing with the messages is a great idea. It takes time. I imagine when you hear his voice or see his messages you get an instant 'how dare he' and that's what's pushing the urge to react to it and tell him off?

So find a way of dealing with that instant gut kick and letting it pass. It's really hard not to get annoyed I know. But it stops the vicious circle in its tracks.

Stateofyou

Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest! I was in a **** cycle with my toxic family for 6 years before my wife and I finally jumped off so I get it. It's human nature to want to tell someone the harm they did, or to fight back, and also to hope for change. Hope you felt better speaking your mind, I would just say to be careful in not getting sucked back in to the toxic cycle. Peace of mind and peace in your life is worth so much. Toxicity affects everything.
With regards to your mam, try not to worry too much just yet. She seems okay for now, right? Your fears may never come to pass, or it could be many years off. If she does decline eventually, would your dad be the main carer? Would she have a carer coming in most days who could facilitate phone calls/visits with you? Maybe she would be in assisted living eventually and you could visit her there? Or maybe you could briefly visit her at home and bring a trusted relative or friend to help keep things civil with your dad until you leave. There will be a way to work it out for the best, in some way, and you'll cross that bridge when it comes, when you know for sure what you're dealing with. The main thing is to look after yourself and your family now - your health and happiness has to come first.

corks finest

Away With The Fairies wrote: »

Kids are easily influenced, they're easy targets who will believe anything. Make no mistake, your parent just wants to turn your kids against you.

2 sides to every argument

corks finest

Ref parents disowning a child,must have been bloody serious on your behalf?
My niece had a kid with a waster ( doesent contribute much even after several court appearances)
His mam and dad and whole family have disowned him,he's with another partner with kids and basically ignores his first kid ,his own parents bring my grandniece to school,she stays with them 3 nights a week so they stepped in where there's son didn't-
His behaviour ( 4 years) is grounds for disowning

Stateofyou

corks finest wrote: »

Ref parents disowning a child,must have been bloody serious on your behalf?
My niece had a kid with a waster ( doesent contribute much even after several court appearances)
His mam and dad and whole family have disowned him,he's with another partner with kids and basically ignores his first kid ,his own parents bring my grandniece to school,she stays with them 3 nights a week so they stepped in where there's son didn't-
His behaviour ( 4 years) is grounds for disowning

WTF... That's a good story. Why don't you go start a different post about your entirely specific family situation with your niece. You offered no advice to the OP and their specific situation.

corks finest

Stateofyou wrote: »

WTF... That's a good story. Why don't you go start a different post about your entirely specific family situation with your niece. You offered no advice to the OP and their specific situation.

My honest point was there's 2 / 3 sides to every story

Stateofyou

corks finest wrote: »

My honest point was there's 2 / 3 sides to every story

Then there's other sides to the story with your niece's partner.
But that is irrelevant to the OP here and still isn't advice or support.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Corks Finest as per the Charter we ask that people offer advice to the OP when posting. Please bear this in mind when posting in the thread they created.

Stateofyou If you have an issue with a post please report it so that the mods can look at it. Your last two posts are more than bordering on backseat modding, which is not permitted here.

Sunrise_Sunset

corks finest wrote: »

Ref parents disowning a child,must have been bloody serious on your behalf?

It was because he's a narcissist and has a huge temper and would get enraged when things didn't go his way. He has walked all over my mother for years, and she's too passive to stand up to him. She enabled his bad behaviour over a long period of time, so that when I stood up to him, he lost his mind. If you want to know the kind of man I'm dealing with, one of my aunties has since told me that years ago he glassed my uncle in the face over a silly argument about a game of pool.
I would have cut ties with him myself years ago, only that I didn't know how I could do it whilst maintaining a relationship with my mother. So when he cut ties with me it was actually a relief. It gave me a way out.

hawley

Quote from page three at end of December
I have since moved house and he doesn't have my address, but my mother does, and I think he could get it pretty easily if he wanted to, even though I've told my mother not to give it to him.

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Yes, I am considering it. But the main reason I'm stalling on this is because of my Mam. What if she urgently needed to contact me?
I moved house last year, and my Mam doesn't have my new address, I won't give it to her, because of him. I can't take the risk that he would just show up at my door. They know the estate I am in, but it's a big estate, they don't know where exactly. My Mam has memory issues so she'd have to write my address down and he could easily get it.

You should make sure that your mum doesn't give him the address or else you may be forced to move again.

Sunrise_Sunset

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

It was because he's a narcissist and has a huge temper and would get enraged when things didn't go his way. He has walked all over my mother for years, and she's too passive to stand up to him. She enabled his bad behaviour over a long period of time, so that when I stood up to him, he lost his mind. If you want to know the kind of man I'm dealing with, one of my aunties has since told me that years ago he glassed my uncle in the face over a silly argument about a game of pool.
I would have cut ties with him myself years ago, only that I didn't know how I could do it whilst maintaining a relationship with my mother. So when he cut ties with me it was actually a relief. It gave me a way out.

Best of luck with it anyway OP..I had the pleasure of living with a complete narcissist a few years ago, and while he tried to keep me sweet, to see how he treated others, and how everything was manipulation was an eye opener.. There's one in my close enough family too, and to see how they treat their kids is heartbreaking.. total narcissistic parent archetype, and in that situation you can't do much, and have to tread lightly,..
Make sure to protect your energy anyway, even if you do have to come into contact with him.. mind yourself..

Sunrise_Sunset

hawley wrote: »

Quote from page three at end of December
I have since moved house and he doesn't have my address, but my mother does, and I think he could get it pretty easily if he wanted to, even though I've told my mother not to give it to him.





You should make sure that your mum doesn't give him the address or else you may be forced to move again.

I gave it to her when we first moved. She wrote it down somewhere. She now doesn't remember where. She told me this last week. She asked me for my address again. I said no, I'm sorry I can't give it to you. She has memory issues. I won't be giving it to her.