Help getting a date.

S.G.M.

Thanks Chrissie,

That's true about not being ready a few years back. I can see the difference. Like in my early 20's I was finding myself attracted to a lot of women just for giving me some time as I was used to getting no romantic interest. Now she's gotta be something very special to me for me to entertain the idea of letting her into my life. I'm lucky that I've come across a lot of women that I've seen that potential in but for one reason or another it wasn't to be.

I actually think I have a lot of the characteristics that your husband has.
The best way to describe me is the teacher in Phoebe's love triangle in 'Friends'.
The one where she is dating the fireman and the teacher. She likes the fireman cos he's 'manly and muscly' but she likes the teacher cos he's 'sweet and caring'. When she goes to break up with the teacher she sees him with his top off putting up shelves in his apartment and he is super ripped.
I feel I'm quite like the teacher here (although not super ripped yet hahah)
Like I know a lot about cars, id be the guy getting rid off spiders, I'm not overly sensitive if a woman is in a bad mood, I'm good with my hands and I'm quite protective etc to name a few.
Like the teacher in 'Friends', Phoebe couldn't see this side of him until she got to know him better.
This is probably a weird example if you don't watch Friends btw lol

However, I can see why a woman with tastes like yourself wouldnt choose me as you probably wouldn't be able to see these traits from the get go.

The White Feather

SGM.
You are far ahead of where I started from. I never knew any girls never mind talking to them until my 20s. Other than that, you sound exactly like I was.

I don't know what to say about watching Love Island. I don't see how that can help at all. Again you need real world things. That is total make believe.If you are watching for fun thats ok of course!

Be careful though as this thread should really be closed by you now. You know what you need to do if you want to get a gf. Go out and start "chatting" them up.I use inverted commas as really you are just going over and talking to them. You might realise they are not for you or they might turn you down. Various things may happen but you will get used to it.

The reason I say be careful, is because you will get caught up in all the theory and ideas and not doing anything. Talking on instagram is a good idea. I did the same stuff. Talked to people online to use it to get good at having a conversation. But the problem is its online. Who knows what people are thinking. She could have a bf, not want a bf or just love attention. I would progress it to meeting up as soon as I can. Or else move on.

I think you should just go up to nice girls when you see them. It sounds crazy but it works. I began by going to a shopping centre one day and started asking girls do they have the time. Get it and politely thank them and move on. From doing this a few times you see how you should approach them. The first few times they reacted like I was about to attack them as I was inept. Then you see that a smile and non threatening posture puts them at ease. Then I progressed it to chatting to them instead of asking for the time or using the time thing as an opening to talk more.

The main thing is don't think. Just do it.As I said, You sound ahead of where I was as you are talking to girls. You just now talk to girls you don't know already.

The one thing I have learned is looks don't really matter. I don't mean you make no effort. If you intend on chatting up women then get ready like a night out. I mean women will give you a chance once you are smiling and have something interesting to say. You sound like me where I knew I would be okay once I got on the date but getting there was a mystery! I knew I would treat women well and not mess them about but couldn't get to that point.

So don't think any more. Start doing it. Tonight is Friday night. Get out there and go up to women. If you are really really nervous ( like I was) Go out by yourself as then no one sees your rejections. I did this for a while to get confidence up.People think that that they cant go by themselves but no one really cares. I just said my friends went home early as they couldn't handle their drink but I could. Straight away gets a laugh usually!! Then its just you chatting to her and/or friends.

Or else go out Tomorrow night. Or else sunday afternoon at a nearby shopping centre, you should be chartting up women!! He who hesitates.......

S.G.M.

Thanks TWF.
All great advice. Now to put it into action.

Honeydew3456

S.G.M. wrote: »

Thanks TWF.
All great advice. Now to put it into action.

Hi S.G.M.

I think it might be a good idea to set yourself a little test. If you are out this weekend try chatting to someone that catches your eye and see how it goes. Set yourself a goal of doing it just the once and who knows you might enjoy it so much that you will be working the entire room by the end of the night :-)

Honestly, you come across on here as very friendly, positive and chatty so translate that in real life and see how it goes. Get out of your head about it and just be you. Nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Online is fine only as a tool to meet in person because everything can change then. You may not fancy the person as much as you thought you did. As I am sure you know, unless you get a date in the bag it can all go from 100mph to nothing very fast online.

Best of luck. I am sure you will ace it!

S.G.M.

Thanks Honeydew. Appreciate the input.

S.G.M.

Another question I have about dating, I might ask when I have ye here is; I've an issue with asking out a woman I know if I'm not 100% about her. Like there are women I fancy but I'm not sure if it's enough to ask out. Like in the past I've really really liked women and knew that I really wanted to get to know them but there are women who I'm intrigued by but don't grab me as much as the aforementioned.
Like for example, I work with one woman, I know another through a friend. These can be sticky situations if not handled properly.
A part of me hates the idea of hurting a woman if she is into me and I don't feel the same in the long run. I know I'm probably overthinking here and need to start doing more and thinking less.

The White Feather

You kind of answered your own question there! Less thinking and just go with the flow. You won't know if you like her or she likes you until you are on a date or two. You need to get on dates and see what happens. Some will work and others won't. That's the way it goes.

Never go near anyone you work with as that opens up a whole can of problems. Friends are tricky but once you are honest it's ok.

Just don't play games and go with the flow. Don't mind what ifs.

I've been on both sides. I liked her more and with other women she likes me more. It's what happens. Main thing is to move on quickly either way.

Again this all theory. Just get on dates and it will all come to you naturally. The main thing is start getting out there talking to women and going on dates or you get caught up in all theory and no practical knowledge.

Honeydew3456

S.G.M. wrote: »

Another question I have about dating, I might ask when I have ye here is; I've an issue with asking out a woman I know if I'm not 100% about her. Like there are women I fancy but I'm not sure if it's enough to ask out. Like in the past I've really really liked women and knew that I really wanted to get to know them but there are women who I'm intrigued by but don't grab me as much as the aforementioned.

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much about that. It's all part of the dating game and you work through it as you get to know them more. For example, I have been on dates with guys I wasn't too bothered about initially but ended up having great fun and being really into them. A few more dates down the line and things fizzle out and that's fine too. Just be honest with yourself and your date at all times along the way.

Enjoy it all. Enjoy getting to know them. Enjoy going somewhere nice /different with them. There are people that can come into our lives for 5 days, or 5 months or 5 years etc and there is always a positive to grab from those encounters.

S.G.M.

Honeydew3456 wrote:

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much about that. It's all part of the dating game and you work through it as you get to know them more. For example, I have been on dates with guys I wasn't too bothered about initially but ended up having great fun and being really into them. A few more dates down the line and things fizzle out and that's fine too. Just be honest with yourself and your date at all times along the way.

Enjoy it all. Enjoy getting to know them. Enjoy going somewhere nice /different with them. There are people that can come into our lives for 5 days, or 5 months or 5 years etc and there is always a positive to grab from those encounters.

Thanks Honeydew. I'm so used to but taking that risk that its just second nature not to.
I wudnt be nervous going on a date which is good so I can relax and enjoy it. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's how dating is done. You put yourself out there and get to know people. Some will be good, some not so good.

LegacyUser

If you joke all the time ALL the time no one will take you seriously. If you want someone you need to let them know immediately it is not friendship you are interested in. You need to grab opportunities like you would a bundle of fifty euro notes. Wishy washy i like her i dont like her i don't like her enough. I don't want to to hurt her in some hypothetical universe she likes me on will get you nowhere.

I would not mind what women say if they don't want you. They will give you some fob off.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, there's a book called Models by Mark Manson - it's written exactly for men like who you are struggling a bit with knowing how to act or what to do to attract women and get dates. Don't worry, it's not a pick-up artist book, it's just filling in gaps in your social and romantic skills that you haven't learned yet and is a sensible guide for men who genuinely just want to make a connection and meet someone in a healthy way.

I'm a woman, but I read the book anyway as it was pretty insightful on some interesting things like vulnerability and attraction - it was a great read.

He also has a website with some solid articles on it, if you want to get a taste of his type of advice - I don't know if I can post links, but if you just google his name you'll find it.

You've gotten some solid advice here, so I don't think I have anymore to add to it but I hope you enjoy yourself in 2020 and make some great connections!

ILoveYourVibes

S.G.M. wrote: »

Another question I have about dating, I might ask when I have ye here is; I've an issue with asking out a woman I know if I'm not 100% about her. Like there are women I fancy but I'm not sure if it's enough to ask out. Like in the past I've really really liked women and knew that I really wanted to get to know them but there are women who I'm intrigued by but don't grab me as much as the aforementioned.
Like for example, I work with one woman, I know another through a friend. These can be sticky situations if not handled properly.
A part of me hates the idea of hurting a woman if she is into me and I don't feel the same in the long run. I know I'm probably overthinking here and need to start doing more and thinking less.

Ask her ...you might make a friend if you don't like her romantically.

S.G.M.

DatingGuest wrote:

You've gotten some solid advice here, so I don't think I have anymore to add to it but I hope you enjoy yourself in 2020 and make some great connections!

Thank you and I've just ordered that book

S.G.M.

ILoveYourVibes wrote:

Ask her ...you might make a friend if you don't like her romantically.

Very true. I got chatting to the woman at work this week which was really nice and we get on well but I've gotten on well before with women who had absolutely no interest in me. It's to take the risk to ask her out is the question. Like in the past, certain things have made me think she may like me but I've been doubting that more recently. Sick of asking women out and getting turned down ha

Emme

Be yourself. You'll have to fight women off in a few years time if you don't get into a long term relationship in the meantime.

Sephiroth_dude

@TheWhiteFeather great advice!

Ask them out asap otherwise it will turn into pen pal situation, I'm in this situation *doh* ATM I'm gonna bite the bullet and ask her out tonight!

S.G.M.

Emme wrote:

Be yourself. You'll have to fight women off in a few years time if you don't get into a long term relationship in the meantime.

Thank you. Very kind thing to say.

Sephiroth_dude wrote:

Ask them out asap otherwise it will turn into pen pal situation, I'm in this situation *doh* ATM I'm gonna bite the bullet and ask her out tonight!

Best of luck, ya have to let us know how you got on.

JackTaylorFan

Do you really want a woman who is not attracted to wholesome qualities. Your friend who gave you that advice sounds like she likes drama in her life

S.G.M.

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Do you really want a woman who is not attracted to wholesome qualities. Your friend who gave you that advice sounds like she likes drama in her life

True. I think she meant too wholesome as in not giving off enough of an exciting vibe.

JackTaylorFan

S.G.M. wrote: »

True. I think she meant too wholesome as in not giving off enough of an exciting vibe.

Probably means you don't make girls wet - in the crudest terms possible.

wiggle16

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Probably means you don't make girls wet - in the crudest terms possible.

Mod warning:

JackTaylorFan

As previously advised, PI is not a discussion forum. You should have constructive advice for the OP when you post - that's not the same thing as making a comment on another user's post or rephrasing it with a vulgarism. It's of no help the the OP.

wiggle16

lcstress2012 wrote: »

Has anyone (particularly males) asked a girl out at work before and how did it go? There’s a girl I work with and anytime I see her/she sees me we always hug. She’s single a few months. Is that a sign ? Afraid of asking for a drink in case they say no and then it’s all awkward!

Mod:

Hi Icstress

It's not the done thing in PI to ask a new question in a thread, we keep one issue to the one thread. I'm going to move your post into its own thread.

S.G.M.

Enquired about the woman at work to one of her best friends who I get on great with. She said she had a few dates with a guy around Christmas but she's unsure where she stands now.
I think this is a bad sign as surely her friend knows if she's seeing a lad but I'll leave that own be for now.

It's mad how my confidence in myself gets sucked away when I'm pursuing a woman. I'm quite confident in other areas of my life.

I constantly feel like I'm not good enough when in the company of women I fancy. It's something I have to work on.

dd973

I know luck has a massive part to play in two people meeting and deciding they have this personal chemistry but women not being interested in guys who are 'too nice' is something I've never quite got my head around, if I was female I'd be looking for someone 'nice' or 'easy going' not the sort of miserable aggressive boor or charmless smartass jack-the-lad that you often see married or in a never ending cycle of relationships.

Becoming 'more of an a**ehole' in order to attract a mate sounds weirdly dissonant to me.

leggo

‘Nice’ guys generally aren’t actually nice though. That’s a diplomatic way of saying they’re pushovers who agree with whatever someone else is saying or over-accommodate and do stuff in the hope that they get a sexual reward out of it. Which is pretty manipulative and sinister behaviour when you think about it, and people can see through it a mile off. I always say the word ‘nice’ is never used as a compliment, always as a backhanded insult or as a preamble to one (“They’re nice but...”)

‘Assholes’ aren’t typically assholes either. That’s a title given to lads who are confident and tend to do well by bitter ‘nice’ guys. They could be perfectly sound but the lads calling them this are just looking for flaws to prove their point that there’s nothing wrong with them and it’s the world that’s wrong (a viewpoint which is a slippery slope towards depression etc by the way). It’s a coping mechanism to protect people from taking responsibility for shortcomings they’re perhaps not comfortable dealing with. And any ‘nice’ guy who acts like an ‘asshole’ in order to try attract people may get a ride or two from drunk people on a night out, but their behaviour is also transparent as **** and they’ll be found out very quickly.

The reality is that making an effort with yourself as well as being comfortable in your own skin is attractive towards people. That’s literally it. The rest is just noise people create because it’s difficult for them to admit to themselves that they don’t do/are not these things.

S.G.M.

leggo wrote: »

‘Nice’ guys generally aren’t actually nice though. That’s a diplomatic way of saying they’re pushovers who agree with whatever someone else is saying or over-accommodate and do stuff in the hope that they get a sexual reward out of it. Which is pretty manipulative and sinister behaviour when you think about it, and people can see through it a mile off. I always say the word ‘nice’ is never used as a compliment, always as a backhanded insult or as a preamble to one (“They’re nice but...”)

‘Assholes’ aren’t typically assholes either. That’s a title given to lads who are confident and tend to do well by bitter ‘nice’ guys. They could be perfectly sound but the lads calling them this are just looking for flaws to prove their point that there’s nothing wrong with them and it’s the world that’s wrong (a viewpoint which is a slippery slope towards depression etc by the way). It’s a coping mechanism to protect people from taking responsibility for shortcomings they’re perhaps not comfortable dealing with. And any ‘nice’ guy who acts like an ‘asshole’ in order to try attract people may get a ride or two from drunk people on a night out, but their behaviour is also transparent as **** and they’ll be found out very quickly.

The reality is that making an effort with yourself as well as being comfortable in your own skin is attractive towards people. That’s literally it. The rest is just noise people create because it’s difficult for them to admit to themselves that they don’t do/are not these things.

I'm not like that though. I try to be a very caring and friendly guy to people because there aren't enough of that in the world. As I mentioned, I come across as quite wholesome which isn't what a lot of women in their 20's are after. Of course being nice isn't a bad thing but I think they use that to let me down because I don't exhibit much excitement which I ironically feel I could provide them if they were to get to know me on a deeper level. I don't drink alcohol so I wouldn't be out in pubs much. I'm a big mental health advocate and have shared my struggles with mental illness on my social media to raise awareness. I'm glad ive did that as its an important thing to do but again its something which plays into the wholesome narrative. I know im not like many guys my age and I genuinely think a lot of women don't know what to make of me ha

leggo

You’re not seeing it even though you’re typing it OP. Saying stuff like “I try to be kind and caring because there’s not enough of that in the world” in a thread about you trying to get more luck romantically does actually suggest you’re trying to live up to some societal ideal, instead of just finding and being yourself, in the hope of there being some romantic payoff at the end.

When I’m sound to someone, it’s just because I’m being that person in the moment. I might not be sound to them too if I don’t feel like it. How I’m perceived or what the world needs doesn’t come into it because I’m comfortable within my own skin and there’s no need to ‘try’ be anything. When you get to know, accept and then eventually love who you actually are rather than putting all this effort into trying to be someone else, it all just flows naturally.

You’re also implying that it’s women who don’t see it and are missing out. And, look, I’m sure there’s some truth to that and you would be a good catch to the right person. But that also plays into the post of mine that you quoted: lads looking for reasons the world is wrong rather than accepting their own responsibility in their situation. YOU’RE responsible for how you’re perceived. People are reacting to what you put out, it’s not their job to read between the lines and see the big deal.

So you’re saying that you’re not like that but then directly posting a list of reasons why you’re exactly like that. The gap in understanding there is you taking responsibility for your situation. Not blame, mind, there’s a difference: taking responsibility should feel empowering because it means you’re actually in control of your own life.

S.G.M.

Leggo, I was saying I was 'not like that' as in not someone who is nice for 'manipulate reasons' in order to get 'sexual reward'.
Or tearing down 'assholes' in order to feel better about myself.
Tbh, I take exception to you claiming that, by what I'm saying is playing into that stuff.
You may not have meant it like that but your post makes it look a lot like you're calling me those things.
I try to be nice cos it's important to be, not to impress women. I also don't think it's ok not to be 'sound' to someone just cos you don't feel like it.

Ive said throughout the thread that I've worked really hard on myself and I continue to do so cos I know I still have shortcomings. It would have been nice for some of the women in the past to get to know me better but that's my personal perspective. I'm not saying they should have or they were wrong not to. I'm saying I would have liked it if they had.

I take responsibility for my situation. I'm someone that analyses a lot and my reply to your post was what I feel could be letting me down when it comes to dating. The one point I feel where you could have been talking about is the part where I'd like them to get to know me on a deeper level which you took up wrong as I have explained above.

I was disappointed in that reply as you made it sound like I am blaming everyone for my struggles when in fact I never blame anyone.

leggo

OP I’m not giving out or criticising you, I wouldn’t even consider that a ‘tough love’ post tbh. I’m just observing things based on what you’re giving us here in order to nail down what people are seeing when they say you’re ‘nice’ but don’t go out with you, and that definition of ‘nice’ that I gave is what it means 99% of the time in my experience. You’re obviously not going to like whatever the translation is, but you’re here to begin with because you don’t like the end result you’re getting as it is. I could’ve lied to make you feel better and said “oh you’re great, girls have horrible taste today!” But that wouldn’t have helped your situation one bit.

I’m not gonna tell you you’re not getting women because you don’t drink, health is a big thing for a lot of people nowadays and ‘going on the pull’ in clubs etc is less of a thing than ever before with online dating, so that won’t stop you meeting someone. I’m not gonna tell you that posting about mental health is holding you back because everyone posts about mental health these days (I’ve done podcasts etc about it myself). You’re too ‘wholesome’ and that’s not what women in their 20’s are looking for? Come on man...does that not sound like exactly what I said when I said that ‘nice’ guys often consider guys who get girls ‘assholes’ to blame the world instead of taking responsibility?! You’re literally saying that here while denying you’re saying that. You’re telling me there’s no gameplan or hope of any payoff...while at the same time giving a motive for why you do the things you do (“because the world needs more of that” etc). You probably aren’t comfortable admitting publicly that you’re acting with the hope of getting some ‘reward’ but here’s the thing: this is your thread. You volunteered this information about yourself as relevant in a thread asking why you don’t get dates. So you’re actually the one connecting the two.

I’m telling you that people are likely picking up on this stuff the same way I am, it’s creating a disconnect for them that puts them off in favour of people you perceive as more ‘exciting’ (who don’t do things with motives and are just confident and comfortable in their own skin) and they’re feeding that back to you as a back-handed compliment through the word ‘nice’.

Das Reich

At 27 years old I was bringing home a different girl every weekend. You don't need to have a girlfriend at that age. I suggest you to change as much as possible when you can because after you will be bored with the same. If you find some that have all the qualities to be a wife, which is very hard to find in some 20's old girls, just hold her. <snipped>