Help getting a date.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

Das Reich, generalisations of gender and race are not acceptable in PI. Less of it, please.

GooglePlus

Join a dating site, I have a lot of friends in long term relationships off the back of a tinder date.

You might have to get through a few before you find someone who clicks but enjoy the ride until you get there.

S.G.M.

Thanks GooglePlus. I'm on a few and chatting plenty. They don't grab my attention as much as some of the women I know in person that I fancy but that's to be expected as I just don't know them well enoughb or able to gauge their vibe.
Think I need to try and date a bit more.

Pac1Man

Leggo's advice is spot on. It would serve you well to take it on board.

Being this nice wholesome guy all of the time is just not real and probably not truly you and people can see straight through it.

If you were more comfortable within yourself, you wouldn't feel need to want to please.

Just start saying what you actually feel and not what you think you should say. You'll be pleasantly surprised how people react.

S.G.M.

Thanks for the reply Pac.
I can definitely see that point even if I don't entirely agree with all aspects of that point. I think it's important to stand your ground and do what's right for you but what I mean is that I try to be kind where I can. I was described as too wholesome by a friends gf, I don't go around trying to be too wholesome.
I took exception to being lumped in with the stereotypical 'nice guy' who only pretends to be nice for their own gain and bad mouths the 'assholes' as they were described, basically the whole Red Pill crowd.

dd973

leggo wrote: »

YOU’RE responsible for how you’re perceived. People are reacting to what you put out, it’s not their job to read between the lines and see the big deal.

Don't really agree with this, it implies that we've all got the potential of some sort of God like power over our narrative and how others perceive us. Some people simply take an instinctive dislike to anybody who's socially or culturally different to them or not on their wavelength. Only the most extreme sort of extrovert has complete mastery of this sort of 'image management'.

leggo

It’s not really. I get what you’re saying, the whole ‘there’s a million different versions of you walking around based on how people view you’ theory. But all of those versions are based on your behaviour, which you control.

For example, if people see you as a pushover because they once saw someone with a more dominant personality force you into agreeing to something you clearly didn’t want to, then you’re responsible for that perception because you couldn’t stand up for yourself in the moment. The person who perceives it that way is correct: you were a pushover there and then. But nobody likes to think of themselves in those terms, despite it definitely being the case for a lot of people. So I think people tell themselves stories like the above because it’s something they’re not comfortable with or they don’t have an immediate solution to, so they abdicate responsibility by coming up with theories like they’d have to be god-like to not be seen as a pushover. But that kind of abdication is how you end up on boards saying “Why am I not getting any dates? Why do people see me this way when I’m actually this way?”

If you were happy with the results you got, then it’d be no issue to accept that others may see you a certain way and let it go. But when THE WORLD is coming to the same conclusion, that’s when it’s time to look in the mirror and make some changes. The way you may *think* you are could actually just a projection of how you *want* to be, or who you are within your brain but not projecting outwardly. But the way the world is seeing you is more indicative of how you *actually* are. And that gap is what OP seems to be struggling with. Add other people to the mix and the person he is inside becomes immediately diluted in favour of this people pleaser, people pick up on that and can’t connect with him because he’s not fully being himself, he doesn’t get dates or any kind of meaningful connection with others as a result. That’s exactly what I’m telling him here.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Just deleted the last few posts. I'll close the thread off too.

HS