Snide remarks from parent

Teach30

Home atmosphere can be nasty. Father makes snide remarks all the time. Dirty looks, favouritism over one sibling and their children/wife. It’s quite sickening.

Doesn’t speak only grunts at times. Mother at wits end sick of his carry on but v little she can do. He’s just a completely nasty person to remaining siblings as he wants us out of house so he can gift all to his favourite child. I’m scared it will drive one sibling as he is constantly berated, to do something/say something that will be very damaging. Other siblings work at home with parent so can’t be avoided. Some days worse than others but he really hates the rest of us.

Makes me v sad to think he can think so little of us and has no value in what we do. Acts lovely to anyone he meets outside the house.

Any advice appreciated on how to react/what to say in situations.

remove yourself from it

hes only another person at the end of the day

if you're one of those working with him, look at other options

Teach30

[Deleted User] wrote: »

remove yourself from it

hes only another person at the end of the day

if you're one of those working with him, look at other options

Thanks not as easy as that unfortunately. Siblings working for him and have no other qualifications so wouldn’t get a job v easily. Wife and children to support and would be homeless otherwise too.

Cant just walk away but it’s how to best deal with the comments and the hatred I’d like advice on.

spurious

Try not to do the same to yours. I know it doesn't excuse it, but it is a learned behaviour. They won't change, so please support each other when it happens.

Teach30

spurious wrote: »

Try not to do the same to yours. I know it doesn't excuse it, but it is a learned behaviour. They won't change, so please support each other when it happens.

Thanks, I’ve no children I just live at home so listening to it constantly. Don’t really know how to support each other apart from pointing out the obvious that’s he’s acting the pri**.
He’s the same to grandchildren. Favours one very obviously over the others. Give le money/sweets to just one. When it’s pointed out he relents but he tries to do it behind our backs. Fairly toxic.

Xterminator

Hi Op

i think you are failing to grasp a very important point. You cannot change this man. Nothing you do or say will make him change his ways. Only he can change his ways and dont hold your breath for that to happen, especially if he gets away with his behaviour.

You can only control how you act/react around him.

Do you want advice on how to deal with a toxic parent? Cut down the contact to minimal.

Teach30

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

i think you are failing to grasp a very important point. You cannot change this man. Nothing you do or say will make him change his ways. Only he can change his ways and dont hold your breath for that to happen, especially if he gets away with his behaviour.

You can only control how you act/react around him.

Do you want advice on how to deal with a toxic parent? Cut down the contact to minimal.

Thanks, I’m living with him so can’t really alter contact for the time being.
He does get away with the behaviour because none of us know what to say/how to react properly other than flying off the handle. That’s what I was look for advice on.

Your right though his behaviour is rubbing off on his favourite child which isn’t at all nice and he’s acting up to him as he knows he’ll get more out of him in the long term if he does.

Really I’d love to know what to say to him and have it practiced beforehand so that I don’t start crying because his behaviour is very emotive.

niallers1

You/They have to move out. The living arrangements are toxic.

Mortelaro

Kindly remind the favourite sibling that you all will be challenging the will
Don't say on what grounds
Regarding the father
4 words to say to him Say 'This is not normal'
Leave it at that
Say it each time you need to
Don't engage just repeat those words
Then walk away into another room,read a good book or have a tv in there
As others have said,he wont change his behaviour but you can change yours and your reaction to him
Join a club too that takes you out of that house most evenings,fitness,athletics or something like that with a goal

Teach30

niallers1 wrote: »

You/They have to move out. The living arrangements are toxic.

I’m grand I stay out of it but the others work for him so can’t avoid it as they have to be around him
It’s not every day it’s when he takes a notion or he might have a pain in his back etc and he takes it out on some more than others.

niallers1

Mortelaro wrote: »

Kindly remind the favourite sibling that you all will be challenging the will

A parent doesn't have to leave anything to their children in a will. It's theirs to do as they please.

Mortelaro

niallers1 wrote: »

A parent doesn't have to leave anything to their children in a will. It's theirs to do as they please.

That's not correct if it can be proven they weren't adequately provided for

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

Kindly remind the favourite sibling that you all will be challenging the will
Don't say on what grounds
Regarding the father
4 words to say to him Say 'This is not normal'
Leave it at that
Say it each time you need to
Don't engage just repeat those words
Then walk away into another room,read a good book or have a tv in there
As others have said,he wont change his behaviour but you can change yours and your reaction to him
Join a club too that takes you out of that house most evenings,fitness,athletics or something like that with a goal

I wouldn’t/couldn’t challenge anything in a will as it’s not my place to. That’s nothing to do with me it’s the others that work for him have that problem not me.

Thanks that’s good advice. I don’t think he’d take much heed of the not normal part but I’d certainly give it a try.

When I’m around at the weekends I notice it more, sometimes I need to be there to give my mother a hand but I do the avoiding thing a lot.
I listen to her reactions to it too and her heart breaks over the fact he is very unfair.

niallers1

Mortelaro wrote: »

That's not correct if it can be proven they weren't adequately provided for

Being fed, dressed , educated and a roof over their head until they became adults is adequate.

Mortelaro

niallers1 wrote: »

Being fed, dressed , educated and a roof over their head until they became adults is adequate.

That's debatable, when did these siblings start work for the father?
What education did they get versus what was affordable
What discouragement was there towards further education versus working with the father
Loads more

Xterminator

Hi Op

your mother does not have to put up with his behaviour - but she does - 'probably to keep the peace'. I am sure you have great sympathy for her, but if she continues enabling his bad behaviour, she is both victim, but also part of the problem. she cant keep doing the same thing everyday and expect him to mend his ways.

Like the advice to you, she needs to break the cycle. This will probably be far more difficult for her, and lets face it, if you father doesn't cop on to himself could lead to marital conflict etc. So its not a path to start down lightly.

If i were her i would start with marital support services because even if father doesnt engage she will be apprised of her rights etc.

But if she does decide she cant take it anymore you could be there for her and possibly offer her somewhere to go if she leaves the house for a few hour/ few days few weeks - depending on whether or not your living situation allows. Otherwise she could look to a sibling for support etc.

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

That's debatable, when did these siblings start work for the father?
What education did they get versus what was affordable
What discouragement was there towards further education versus working with the father
Loads more

They both received the same 3rd level education and have been working with him from post primary school years. Both provided with houses and get their meals on a daily basis. Messed up situation but that’s how it is and they won’t go changing that.
Father holding it over my mother that she needs to leave all to one when she can’t as her conscience won’t allow her to. She’s well able for him but grows tired of his attitude and then I have to listen to her getting upset over it all.
She has final say on will - complicated situation as lots of assets at stake, I don’t even know all the facts but it’s not easy for her to choose. That’s why he has the ****ty attitude to the rest of us.

not saying it's easy, far from it.

but disliking your father is manageable- avoid and ignore


if the issue is that he is also the boss, im honestly not messing when id advise to start looking at it like a workplace issue then

but im not being unsympathetic when id still advise that as adults- what you dont oppose/change, you tolerate. if the cost of the wage and house etc is his behaviour, ye are accepting it.

be prepared to jack and find other ways to meet the needs, otherwise he has ye as he likes.

beauf

By doing nothing you and they are facilitating his behaviour.

Teach30

beauf wrote: »

They have to cut the apron strings. No other way.

Nothing you do will change someone's personality especially this late in life. You are deluded if you think anything will change.

I'd this guy drops dead, and they all rely on him for their jobs they are stuffed. They all need to walk away. If they don't and it bothers you so much you need to move out of the environment.

Life is short and deciding to spend it around negative people is waste of ones life.

No they’ll still have the jobs when he’s dead but he’s wants to give all to one when they are both working equally for him. Can’t explain it fully as I’m not privy to all the facts.
I haven’t enough money to move out at the minute so I’ve to listen away to it.

I know full well he won’t change I’m not that stupid, Just wondering what to say back to him really when he makes snide comments about us that’s all.

Mortelaro

Can we ask what sort of business is this?
Obviously don't give any details away that could identify ye
Apart from the home,what assets does he have to disburse?
If it's a construction firm or something like a business with a client list,it won't be worth a fart to the one sibling because two thirds of the remaining expertise is with the other sons and they can just set up on their own
So if that's the case,please ignore any taunts,they're meaningless
They're meaningless anyway given your mums big say
I bet he hates that,he sounds like an old timer with old fashioned ideas

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

Can we ask what sort of business is this?
Obviously don't give any details away that could identify ye
Apart from the home,what assets does he have to disburse?
If it's a construction firm or something like a business with a client list,it won't be worth a fart to the one sibling because two thirds of the remaining expertise is with the other sons and they can just set up on their own
So if that's the case,please ignore any taunts,they're meaningless
They're meaningless anyway given your mums big say
I bet he hates that,he sounds like an old timer with old fashioned ideas

Yes very old fashioned in many ways. It’s agricultural employment. Home isn’t all his, either as I said v complicated situation. We do ignore him but gets tough when you know he thinks nothing of us yet will expect his meals served up etc. Old fashioned family living, won’t change too much if that makes sense.

rainbowtrout

Time to move out. You need to start saving to become independent.

You can't change your father's attitude no matter what you do, so don't waste your time trying. The next time he says something snarky to you just dismiss him calmly - do not fly off the handle - and say something like 'You've made your feelings known on that topic on numerous occasions, I don't agree with your view' and walk away and disengage.

If your mother wants to talk about it, just remind her that if she has final say in the will for whatever reason then she can leave the inheritance to whoever she wants. So there doesn't need to be any further discussion.


Not worth your while getting involved in why one child is favoured and both are in the employment of your father. Let them sort that out. You can waste a lot of energy on worrying about who is going to inherit, he could still be alive in 20 years time and you'd be no further along.

antix80

Teach30 wrote: »

Mother at wits end sick of his carry on but v little she can do.

If your experience is anything like mine..

Your mother is just as much to blame for his behaviour because she enables it to a large extent.

Your dad has a major chip on his shoulder. Whether he's ashamed of aging or not having real friends or just not happy with how his life's turned out so that his legacy - all he has to give in life is really just enough for one of his children. He wants you to respect it and value it, and therefore to respect him..

I think just remove yourself from it. My mistake was trying to tiptoe around my dad, while my mam played martyr/peacemaker and kept dragging me back into an atmosphere I mentally couldn't handle.. Even when I tried to arrange alternatives like meeting her in a coffee shop or my own home. Nope - not good enough for her. It had to be Sunday dinner, with him lording over it.

I think op, maybe your situation is different. But if there are parallels do yourself a favour and walk away from the house. If your mother is the one who insists on breaking down boundaries you try to set, you need to walk away from her too.

Learn to set boundaries with all your family, including siblings. They should not dominate your thoughts or negatively impact your life.

Teach30

antix80 wrote: »

If your experience is anything like mine..

Your mother is just as much to blame for his behaviour because she enables it to a large extent.

Your dad has a major chip on his shoulder. Whether he's ashamed of aging or not having real friends or just not happy with how his life's turned out so that his legacy - all he has to give in life is really just enough for one of his children. He wants you to respect it and value it, and therefore to respect him..

I think just remove yourself from it. My mistake was trying to tiptoe around my dad, while my mam played martyr/peacemaker and kept dragging me back into an atmosphere I mentally couldn't handle.. Even when I tried to arrange alternatives like meeting her in a coffee shop or my own home. Nope - not good enough for her. It had to be Sunday dinner, with him lording over it.

I think op, maybe your situation is different. But if there are parallels do yourself a favour and walk away from the house. If your mother is the one who insists on breaking down boundaries you try to set, you need to walk away from her too.

Learn to set boundaries with all your family, including siblings. They should not dominate your thoughts or negatively impact your life.

Thanks not sure how you could respect someone who can’t treat people equally or looks down on those he feels don’t work real jobs but nonetheless I agree that I do need to get out. Can’t go for another while but will eventually.

Can’t say I agree with just waking away for good setting boundaries etc, that would lead to a very lonely existence for all involved and not something I would be interested in.

Thanks all the same your situation sounds similar but mine doesn’t overly impact on me in my day to day life hence I’m in no rush to leave.
It just every now again the comments and behaviour gets annoying.

Teach30

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Time to move out. You need to start saving to become independent.

You can't change your father's attitude no matter what you do, so don't waste your time trying. The next time he says something snarky to you just dismiss him calmly - do not fly off the handle - and say something like 'You've made your feelings known on that topic on numerous occasions, I don't agree with your view' and walk away and disengage.

If your mother wants to talk about it, just remind her that if she has final say in the will for whatever reason then she can leave the inheritance to whoever she wants. So there doesn't need to be any further discussion.


Not worth your while getting involved in why one child is favoured and both are in the employment of your father. Let them sort that out. You can waste a lot of energy on worrying about who is going to inherit, he could still be alive in 20 years time and you'd be no further along.

Thanks that’s good advice appreciate it.

Can’t help but get involved particularly when we have been asked what should she do etc. It’s been going on for years. Very awkward situation and won’t be very easily resolved.
I’m not worried about it at all but can’t help be part of it if that makes sense.

Will eventually move away from it all but all in good time. Great to have a few solid phrases to throw at him so thanks for that.

Mortelaro

It sounds like a prison camp
Are the lads ,college educated as they are getting paid a decent wage,any hope of them moving out?
What happens when the girlfriends land over?
Are they allowed stay over?(in the same room)

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

It sounds like a prison camp
Are the lads ,college educated as they are getting paid a decent wage,any hope of them moving out?
What happens when the girlfriends land over?
Are they allowed stay over?(in the same room)

I don’t see why it’s relevant but they’re all married and we all are college educated. No one would stay over it’s not that it’s a problem but the need for it would never have arisen. As for same rooms, that would be weird! Well for me it would be anyways.

rainbowtrout

Teach30 wrote: »

I don’t see why it’s relevant but they’re all married and we all are college educated. No one would stay over it’s not that it’s a problem but the need for it would never have arisen. As for same rooms, that would be weird! Well for me it would be anyways.

You said in one of your earlier posts that your siblings work for him and have no other qualifications so wouldn't get a job too easily. Hence being tied to the apron strings so to speak.

Now you're saying that you are all college educated. If they have a third level qualification they are well capable of getting a job elsewhere.

If nobody is willing to challenge your father, by refusing to engage with his snide remarks, by moving out, by getting jobs away from the home, by not challenging his treatment of the grandchildren, by spending all their time in the family home if they don't have to, nothing will change.

Teach30

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You said in one of your earlier posts that your siblings work for him and have no other qualifications so wouldn't get a job too easily. Hence being tied to the apron strings so to speak.

Now you're saying that you are all college educated. If they have a third level qualification they are well capable of getting a job elsewhere.

If nobody is willing to challenge your father, by refusing to engage with his snide remarks, by moving out, by getting jobs away from the home, by not challenging his treatment of the grandchildren, by spending all their time in the family home if they don't have to, nothing will change.

College educated in agriculture is what I mean, they’d be hard pressed to get an alternative line of work, not impossible but extremely difficult as they would have no alternative work experience. Perhaps nowadays it wouldn’t be regarded as third level but when they qualified it would have been. I hope that explains it a little better.

Also v difficult to challenge a man who has a significant amount of control over things and has my mother in a big predicament - she can’t please everyone.
We’re between a rock and a hard place.

qwerty13

Sorry OP, have you not posted about spending very very extensive amounts on your wedding (as in 5k on photography).

Would you not invest this money into moving out of your parents house, and away from your father’s direct control?

ETA: Is there an element of you all (him included) ‘keeping up appearances’? I really don’t understand why you and your siblings can’t take more action about moving out / away from your father.

rainbowtrout

Teach30 wrote: »

College educated in agriculture is what I mean, they’d be hard pressed to get an alternative line of work, not impossible but extremely difficult as they would have no alternative work experience. Perhaps nowadays it wouldn’t be regarded as third level but when they qualified it would have been. I hope that explains it a little better.

Also v difficult to challenge a man who has a significant amount of control over things and has my mother in a big predicament - she can’t please everyone.
We’re between a rock and a hard place.

If your siblings want independence, they can upskill. They can do a night course. They can work on other farms. They can go for other jobs within the agriculture industry. There are jobs out there that don't require college education, nothing stopping them going for something in that line. It's up to them if they want to change their situation.

He doesn't appear to have a significant amount of control. Your mother determines how things are split for inheritance, you said that earlier. The family allow him to control by not challenging him. What would he do if your siblings upped sticks in the morning and got jobs elsewhere? Very little he could do about it.

You are living at home and all you need to do is save enough money to get into a house share and you can leave. There's no such thing as lack of choice.

Mortelaro

Teach30 wrote: »

I don’t see why it’s relevant but they’re all married and we all are college educated. No one would stay over it’s not that it’s a problem but the need for it would never have arisen. As for same rooms, that would be weird! Well for me it would be anyways.

Oh I thought ye were early 20s or something
They presumably have their own houses then and can switch off from him at 5 or 6 pm so
I wouldn't worry too much then,other than encouraging the 2 non favourites to be thinking of doing this business on their own at some point
If it's a farm,maybe go over to the farming forum here and ask for opinions
The situation ye are in is not unique
You've lots of good advice
Personally I think your father does need a right toe up the hole
Your brothers need to be always looking at their options because your parents won't be around forever and if your mum goes before your Dad,there could be big changes and none that ye might like

Teach30

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If your siblings want independence, they can upskill. They can do a night course. They can work on other farms. They can go for other jobs within the agriculture industry. There are jobs out there that don't require college education, nothing stopping them going for something in that line. It's up to them if they want to change their situation.

He doesn't appear to have a significant amount of control. Your mother determines how things are split for inheritance, you said that earlier. The family allow him to control by not challenging him. What would he do if your siblings upped sticks in the morning and got jobs elsewhere? Very little he could do about it.

You are living at home and all you need to do is save enough money to get into a house share and you can leave. There's no such thing as lack of choice.

I know all this but unfortunately life isn’t always as clear cut when you are in the midst of it all.
Of course we could all upskill and get different jobs but that’s not the problem the problem is the lousey comments. I didn’t ever seek advice on how to change a man that won’t change, I came looking for advice on how to best to verbally respond to his comments and attitude.
There’s to too much at stake for people to just up and leave, that’s madness and coming from a hugely rural background would never in a million years happen.

And yes it all down to my mother but imagine having to try and fairly divide something that can’t be fairly divided, imagine having to live with a man for the next 20 years having made decisions that don’t suit his thinking, you actually can’t imagine the huge strain it brings. It’s on us all and yes we could all walk away but I wasn’t brought up to abandon people despite the relief it might bring, I’d never have it on my own conscience.

Look all I sought was advice on the comments not on changing things that I know won’t change.

Teach30

qwerty13 wrote: »

Sorry OP, have you not posted about spending very very extensive amounts on your wedding? Would you not invest this money into moving out of your parents house, and away from your father’s direct control?

Ah yes working non that. As for paying for wedding there’s a reason I still reside there!

Mortelaro

Teach30 wrote: »

I know all this but unfortunately life isn’t always as clear cut when you are in the midst of it all.
Of course we could all upskill and get different jobs but that’s not the problem the problem is the lousey comments. I didn’t ever seek advice on how to change a man that won’t change, I came looking for advice on how to best to verbally respond to his comments and attitude.
There’s to too much at stake for people to just up and leave, that’s madness and coming from a hugely rural background would never in a million years happen.

And yes it all down to my mother but imagine having to try and fairly divide something that can’t be fairly divided, imagine having to live with a man for the next 20 years having made decisions that don’t suit his thinking, you actually can’t imagine the huge strain it brings. It’s on us all and yes we could all walk away but I wasn’t brought up to abandon people despite the relief it might bring, I’d never have it on my own conscience.

Look all I sought was advice on the comments not on changing things that I know won’t change.

Theres a few things advised that you could say to him in walking away but not engaging
You absolutely must ignore him otherwise

As for not being able to change things that won't change,that's actually a self imposed constraint
The only thing ,the absolute only thing lacking is the courage to steer away
I am a farmer btw
Being able to flick the switch turning on the absolute 'I dont give a fuck' attitude to a sh1t inheritance situation is rare but you need it or 3 out of the 4 of ye are going to end up with a life wasted,waiting for what you'll never get
Anyway I'll shut up now

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

Theres a few things advised that you could say to him in walking away but not engaging
You absolutely must ignore him otherwise

As for not being able to change things that won't change,that's actually a self imposed constraint
The only thing ,the absolute only thing lacking is the courage to steer away
I am a farmer btw
Being able to flick the switch turning on the absolute 'I dont give a fuck' attitude to a sh1t inheritance situation is rare but you need it or 3 out of the 4 of ye are going to end up with a life wasted,waiting for what you'll never get
Anyway I'll shut up now

Thanks, completely agree but I suppose the situation is more unusual than what I’ve already outlined And I don’t want to really get into it other than we will all get something but it can’t be fairly divided. hence one parent favouring one child above all others as it his easy option. While the other can’t sleep because she will have to choose and she can’t.

total minefield but appreciate your knowledge and advice.

qwerty13

Teach30 wrote: »

Ah yes working non that. As for paying for wedding there’s a reason I still reside there!

Is it that your parents are paying for your wedding? Is that why you choose not to rock the boat?

Alrigghtythen

your father provided their education, houses, work and dinner everyday. They are arguing over who gets the farm when he's dead. I think your father may be angry and disappointed.

Teach30

qwerty13 wrote: »

Is it that your parents are paying for your wedding? Is that why you choose not to rock the boat?

I live there because I’m saving to build and I like the fact I can save more this way. As for rocking the boat I don’t feel the need to. I just wanted some advice on how to deal with sarky comments not on how to change the situation.
The others work there so see him every day. I’m the one who doesn’t like his little comments and wanted suggestion on replies back, not sure if the others pay much heed tbh.

Teach30

Alrigghtythen wrote: »

your father provided their education, houses, work and dinner everyday. They are arguing over who gets the farm when he's dead. I think your father may be angry and disappointed.

Your probably right but I’ve yet to see him cook a dinner! He has his inheritance sorted it’s not as clear cut as that. Why favour one when you have more than that btw? Also no ones arguing at all other than the parents. we’ve been asked what way we’d like it to work out and he’s just very one sided as he likes an easy life.

Mortelaro

Alrigghtythen wrote: »

your father provided their education, houses, work and dinner everyday. They are arguing over who gets the farm when he's dead. I think your father may be angry and disappointed.

Its normal in farming so I doubt it
If 3 sons are working the farm,we can assume its large enough to support a proper strategy of setting the sons up as independent farmers within the farm,putting them in a position to branch out more on their own by renting or buying land of their own
Rather than no proper planning for the future at all
Anyhow,I'm imposing my gag order on myself now,I've too many opinions on this and the OP is only really looking for general anti toxic environment advice
That's done I think

Moshman

I'm a firm believer in the old saying "if you've something to say, say it". You probably won't get any support from your siblings but I've never regretted letting loose on the few occasions I felt it was required. I'd also be interested to hear the opinion of the favoured sibling. As others have said, make a plan to get out and move on, you've only 1 life so make the most of it.
Good luck....

qwerty13

Teach30 wrote: »

I live there because I’m saving to build and I like the fact I can save more this way. As for rocking the boat I don’t feel the need to. I just wanted some advice on how to deal with sarky comments not on how to change the situation.
The others work there so see him every day. I’m the one who doesn’t like his little comments and wanted suggestion on replies back, not sure if the others pay much heed tbh.

Ok, but you’ve posted about spending 5k on a photographer for your wedding. Actually you posted about booking it, but not paying for it. So something isn’t adding up for me.

Of course you don’t have to answer, but are you building on your parents land, and they’re paying for the wedding, and you’re now getting a hard time with the comments from your father because he now feels that he has more of a ‘say’ in your life than before?

Short answer is that it seems to be in his eyes that if you or your siblings accept money / assets, then he can speak as he chooses. I highly doubt someone like him is going to change, either through the voice of reason or a zinger retort. That’s why I’m asking what you can do about moving out of your family home and away from him.

Teach30

qwerty13 wrote: »

Ok, but you’ve posted about spending 5k on a photographer for your wedding. Actually you posted about booking it, but not paying for it. So something isn’t adding up for me.

Of course you don’t have to answer, but are you building on your parents land, and they’re paying for the wedding, and you’re now getting a hard time with the comments from your father because he now feels that he has more of a ‘say’ in your life than before?

Short answer is that it seems to be in his eyes that if you or your siblings accept money / assets, then he can speak as he chooses. I highly doubt someone like him is going to change, either through the voice of reason or a zinger retort. That’s why I’m asking what you can do about moving out of your family home and away from him.

Just to point out the comments aren’t made about me theyre about my siblings, the less favoured one. I’ll be gone eventually but I’ll still have to listen to the drama going on. Hope that clears that up for you. The assets arnt solely his either which we know really irritates him so not very fair for him to favour one over others when he doesn’t have final say. So he plays the ass to my mother and the rest of us when he’s not getting his own way.

As for photographer yes booked And not paid for but then there two of us getting married so we can figure that together, but that’s not really relevant to the matter here.

rainbowtrout

Teach30 wrote: »

As for photographer yes booked And not paid for but then there two of us getting married so we can figure that together, but that’s not really relevant to the matter here.

But it is symptomatic of the situation whether or not you can see it. You are benefitting from living under his roof for free / lower rent than you would be paying if you were renting independently.

So while you might not have been handed a bundle of cash to pay for your wedding, you are able to pay for it because you live with your parents and your reduced living costs. So your father probably does feel he can say what he likes as you all are beholden to him. You all financially benefit one way or the other and so he sticks his oar in, and you are all putting up with it for those benefits. Sometimes you have to go your own way even if it costs you more.

Teach30

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But it is symptomatic of the situation whether or not you can see it. You are benefitting from living under his roof for free / lower rent than you would be paying if you were renting independently.

So while you might not have been handed a bundle of cash to pay for your wedding, you are able to pay for it because you live with your parents and your reduced living costs. So your father probably does feel he can say what he likes as you all are beholden to him. You all financially benefit one way or the other and so he sticks his oar in, and you are all putting up with it for those benefits. Sometimes you have to go your own way even if it costs you more.

Never really thought about it like that for us it’s the norm to just be at home as it helps to save for future. Too late now for me to wind that clock back anyways and I may as well stick it out for the time being.

It’s really not as simple as “going your own way” and I know many will disagree with me but there’s a lot involved in it. Anyways thanks all the same.

well if you insist that all ye have is tied to the man's favour, then the only advice is to suck it up tbh

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

Ok, but you’ve posted about spending 5k on a photographer for your wedding. Actually you posted about booking it, but not paying for it. So something isn’t adding up for me.

Of course you don’t have to answer, but are you building on your parents land, and they’re paying for the wedding, and you’re now getting a hard time with the comments from your father because he now feels that he has more of a ‘say’ in your life than before?

Short answer is that it seems to be in his eyes that if you or your siblings accept money / assets, then he can speak as he chooses. I highly doubt someone like him is going to change, either through the voice of reason or a zinger retort. That’s why I’m asking what you can do about moving out of your family home and away from him.

It stuck in my head so I checked. You have a budget of 5k for a photographer, 5k for a dress, and 8 to 10k for a ring. What are on earth are you doing living under your Father’s doorstep?

If you genuinely have 20k to spare, could you share your pics/ring/dress money, to save your siblings day to day life as in they can have a life, without your father’s voice. As you’ve said that you don’t get criticised.

And this is without ‘saving’ to build your house, and also perhaps (unanswered question) you building on your parents land, and them paying for your wedding.

Of course you’re not obliged to furnish any details. But I do think it’s very pertinent as to who is funding your lifestyle, and how that relates to comments that your father makes. It doesn’t excuse his comments - but I think you could at least make a stand and remove yourself from his ‘exchange’ of views re providing money/assets = his control.

Teach30

qwerty13 wrote: »

It stuck in my head so I checked. You have a budget of 5k for a photographer, 5k for a dress, and 8 to 10k for a ring. What are on earth are you doing living under your Father’s doorstep?

If you genuinely have 20k to spare, could you share your pics/ring/dress money, to save your siblings day to day life as in they can have a life, without your father’s voice. As you’ve said that you don’t get criticised.

And this without ‘saving’ to build your house, and also perhaps (unanswered question) you building on your parents land, and them paying for your wedding.

Of course you’re not obliged to furnish any details. But I do think it’s very pertinent as to who is funding your lifestyle, and how that relates to comments that your father makes. It doesn’t excuse his comments - but I think you could at least make a stand and remove yourself from his ‘exchange’ of money/assets = his control.

I never said I had 20k to spare? I don’t and indeed had I started saving earlier perhaps I could move out but for the time being I won’t be. V traditional family and I’m not funding the wedding. Bit late now for me to backtrack. I might as well stick it out for the time being.

His comments/attitude are related to the fact he is upset that all his money can’t go to one child. My costs don’t really come into it as a problem for anyone.
He’ll be rid of me soon enough so I might as well stick it out now so that he can’t give everything to one person if that makes sense.

rainbowtrout

Teach30 wrote: »

I never said I had 20k to spare? I don’t and indeed had I started saving earlier perhaps I could move out but for the time being I won’t be. V traditional family and I’m not funding the wedding. Bit late now for me to backtrack. I might as well stick it out for the time being.

His comments/attitude are related to the fact he is upset that all his money can’t go to one child. My costs don’t really come into it as a problem for anyone.
He’ll be rid of me soon enough so I might as well stick it out now so that he can’t give everything to one person if that makes sense.

I think the point, which you are missing again is that you are spending well above what the average person spends on those items for a wedding. You can spend what you like, but the vast majority only spend a fraction of the 20k you are budgeting for a photographer, ring and dress. I'd say the majority probably not spend more than 7-8k on all three of those and with 12k to spare you would have more than enough to spare to live out of home/ have deposit for house.