When to cut ties?

LegacyUser

My MIL hates me. I know hate is a strong word but she does. I'm with my OH 6 years, recently married and since the day we got together there have been problems. Trying not to give too much away. He lived in my city for 5 years before meeting me and never really had any intention of moving back to his own. His own is only 2 hours away. Meeting me was the nail in the coffin and we decided to make a life for ourselves here. House, baby, marriage, better career opportunities. From all accounts, my husband used to have a great relationship with his parents but since I came along they are quite nasty to him.

There is nothing I can do that she can't find fault with. We sat down and tried to work this out last year and the venom she spued was horrible. When my daughter was born I had a pretty traumatic birth and feeding wasn't going well. His family members text to say they'd be arriving the day we got home from the hospital. I asked my OH to please ask them to come a day later so I could just get settled at home. I didn't think this was unreasonable, a day later but it caused war. His brother screamed blue murder at him on the phone. My husband kept hanging up but he kept ringing. He then rang me and called me a bitch. I was inconsolable. The hospital wanted to keep me an extra day because I so upset.

My MIL/FIL were due to visit the following day and they never showed up. Apparently my MIL needed to be medicated because of this. I caused so much hurt and pain by asking the siblings to come a day later. When we were trying to sort all this mess out in the following months she kept saying 'I couldn't see MY granddaughter because of YOU, because YOU upset me so much with your stupid demands'. We all agreed to draw a line under this but obviously that hasn't happened.

His family don't acknowledge me when they see me. If I said hello they wouldn't say it back. The only time they'll talk to me is if I ask them something about my daughter or they have to tell me something about her. In fact, even when I do something wrong according to them they don't even address me. They direct everything towards him. They don't refer to me by my name, they call me 'her' or 'she'. The only time they've ever directly spoken to me to complain was when we sat down to try work it out and they unleashed.

We got married 2 months ago and his parents haven't spoken to my husband since. They said where we placed his family at the wedding was a disgrace (small ish wedding, 85 people, the room was small too, they were also fed first), that me not talking to his family individually was rude (every time I looked in their direction they had sour faces and I didn't want to ruin my day by having them tear me down) and the fact that my husband drank on the wedding day was an issue too. His family don't drink. He got a text from his brother a few days after the wedding telling him the wedding was a complete and utter sh!t show because of the disrespect shown to the family.

We scrimped and saved for this wedding. We hoped it would be one of the best days of our lives but just like the birth of my daughter, they've tried to ruin it.

They absolutely dote on my daughter. They love her and there's no denying that. But at this stage I'm thinking of cutting them off from seeing her until they start showing me (and my husband) some respect. Even a fake hello how are you in front of her would do. Am I justified in doing this?

qwerty13

Oh my god, even asking if you are justified shows how much they’ve got to you.

Cut them out of your life this minute. Block their numbers on your mobile. Block them on social media. Do not invite them to your home. And never ever feel the slightest bit of guilt over this. They don’t deserve to take up 1 minute of your time or emotions.

If your husband wants to go to see them, fair enough. Maybe he can bring your daughter. If I were you, I’d leave that part up to him - for now at least. And tell him that you never want to hear anything that they say about you (this bit is very important).

Neyite

I've seen a milder version of this once and honestly the only thing that worked with the inlaws was the husband drawing a line and making it crystal clear that his family - meaning his wife and kids - were his only priority and that any BS from his family would result in him AND the grandchildren being withdrawn from the family. Any hint of disrespect or criticism of his wife resulted in far fewer visits and calls. The family of origin soon copped on, and they have a relationship where they are respectful to his wife now. But until he made it clear, there was a lot of drama.
Your situation seems a bit more spiteful (them - not you!) so it may be a longer process to get to that point. And you might never get there.


You are a package deal now. All or nothing. So if they can't be at least civil to the mother of their granddaughter, to be honest I wouldn't let them near her to spout their bile about you. And it sounds like they are happy to do that. But your husband needs to be the one that makes that move. You'll get the blame as far as they are concerned but then no matter what, you always will even if you had nothing to do with anything, they'll find a way to make it your fault. Their opinion does not matter, only your husband's opinion does.



I really do think that if your husband is willing, a good long spell of zero contact with any of them - and that extends to contact your daughter has with them and including any texts, calls or anything, would make them sit up and realise what they stand to lose if they continue with this campaign against you. It may well be that the no contact needs to be a permanent thing but only you two can figure out that for yourselves. Expect some flying monkeys in the short term though and /or health scares from his parents (which you'll also get the blame for no doubt) as that's fairly common with dysfunctional families like the one you describe.



Two books I'd suggest you both read:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B003WJRE4Q/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_taft_p1_i3
and

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward-ebook/dp/B003Q6D5PM/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=toxic+parents&qid=1578045985&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

Idle Passerby

These aren't normal people. The only reason they keep behaving as they do it because no one has cut them off for it yet. They won't ever see their behaviour as insane themselves so all you can do is cut them off. Remove the problem, i.e. them.

Xterminator

Hi Op

your husband needs to call them out on this one. Its not for you alone to deal with (but you as as married couple and he as the spokesperson), as you are already cast as the villainess in their heads.

He needs to draw a line and unless my wife is treated with respect say you wont see me, or the kids, then follow through, if they don't get the message. You shouldn't cut them out of your life but let them see your husband and kids at will. That is only pandering to them.

If you dont have your husbands support then you have a greater problem.

Calypso Realm

aitadaugherinlaw wrote: »

We got married 2 months ago and his parents haven't spoken to my husband since.

I'd consider this an absolute blessing! What an appalling family. Agree with all the other responses. Cut them loose...for good!

bitofabind

The family is bullying you. This is flat out abuse.

Agree with others - your husband needs to confront them and tell them it's unacceptable. He then needs to create boundaries and tell them that their actions will have repercussions if they continue - i.e they will cease to have a relationship with their granddaughter. Respect for her mother is a non-negotiable. It's really important that he does this, as you taking them on yourself is going to just result in more abuse.

Honeydew3456

bitofabind wrote: »

The family is bullying you. This is flat out abuse.

Agree with others - your husband needs to confront them and tell them it's unacceptable. He then needs to create boundaries and tell them that their actions will have repercussions if they continue - i.e they will cease to have a relationship with their granddaughter. Respect for her mother is a non-negotiable. It's really important that he does this, as you taking them on yourself is going to just result in more abuse.

+1 All of this needs to happen or nothing will change unfortunately.

So toxic and abusive. It can't continue, it will break you and /or your husband in some way at some point unless addressed. It needs to be done sooner rather than later and with strenght. No room for negotiation.

cloudatlas

I agree with what other people are advising.

Is there something I’m missing though, why do they hate you so much, you must have some idea but there is no information in your post.

The_Honeybadger

cloudatlas wrote: »

I agree with what other people are advising.

Is there something I’m missing though, why do they hate you so much, you must have some idea but there is no information in your post.

I agree with all of the responses, your husband needs to stand up to them and make it clear that if this treatment of you continues then they won’t see any of you again.

I would reiterate the question above though? Why do they hold you in such contempt? It sounds highly unusual?

Plumbthedepths

Sorry if i'm being being obtuse but his family despite their dislike of you still wants to visit?

ILoveYourVibes

aitadaugherinlaw wrote: »

Am I justified in doing this?

Yes.

Tell them they can never see your or your child again. Tell your husband you want him to never see them again.

Skibunny77

Op, children sense family dynamics from an early age. It is appalling that you are treated this way and it would be appalling for your daughter to see or sense it in the future. This behaviour is unacceptable. Your husband should consider what relationship he wants to maintain with them. Both of you should attend counselling and develop a plan as to how you can manage this situation so that you are on the same page and resentment doesn't set in.

timetogo1

Same as everybody else here. Id tell my oh that they're not welcome in my house and that you're done with them.

If he wants to visit then maybe with the daughter that might be ok. But if she ever came back saying nana said "x" about you then that stops too.

But from the abuse he's been getting he should be considering cutting ties too. I don't know why he hasn't to be honest.

The fact that they haven't spoken to your husband since your wedding makes your decision easier I think. They're no loss to your family.

Neyite

Plumbthedepths wrote: »

Sorry if i'm being being obtuse but his family despite their dislike of you still wants to visit?

I'm presuming it's tied in with seeing their grandchild who may be breastfeeding still. At that age where they go, mom goes so op is tolerated under sufferance in order to see the grandchild.

Emme

cloudatlas wrote: »

I agree with what other people are advising.

Is there something I’m missing though, why do they hate you so much, you must have some idea but there is no information in your post.

They sound like the sort of people who would hate anyone who married into their family. The OPs husband left home and moved to a different city. That probably didn't go down well and things might not have been as good between him and his parents as the OP thinks. They would only have been happy if he married somebody in the same town or city who didn't drink and was happy to live her life by the rules of the OP's husbands family.

OP cut your in-laws out completely. Don't let them poison your child emotionally because that is what these people do.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

I'm presuming it's tied in with seeing their grandchild who may be breastfeeding still. At that age where they go, mom goes so op is tolerated under sufferance in order to see the grandchild.

Yes I'm breastfeeding and it's one of the reasons. The other reason is that if I didn't go, I would be even more chastised. I missed a family function once because of work and that's constantly brought up in their arguments about me.

Emme wrote: »

They sound like the sort of people who would hate anyone who married into their family. The OPs husband left home and moved to a different city. That probably didn't go down well and things might not have been as good between him and his parents as the OP thinks. They would only have been happy if he married somebody in the same town or city who didn't drink and was happy to live her life by the rules of the OP's husbands family.

OP cut your in-laws out completely. Don't let them poison your child emotionally because that is what these people do.

This is it exactly. They will never like anyone and they blame me for him staying in the city where we live.

I've talked to my husband about it this weekend and said that I no longer want anything to do with them. I said he's welcome to bring our daughter to see them if they start talking to him again but I won't be visiting. I've said that I no longer trust them to be alone with my daughter though so overnights stays are gone

StinkyMunkey

OP you married this man not his family, you owe them nothing and even less considering their behaviour. Do your mental health a favour and remove these toxic people from your life.

If my family treated my wife with anything other than courtesy or respect I'd stone wall them. I realise your husband is caught in the middle, but his first priority should be his wife and child.

These horrible ***** don't have to love you, but they do have to show common decency if they expect access to "YOUR" child.

Cut them off totally, if they want back in make it on your terms. Your owe these toxic ****es nothing, it's time to lay down the law.

Fleetwoodmac

OP bless you that they caused you to cry during what should have been solely a joyous time. In my experience, people like this will not change nor will they demonstrate any human decency. They will use a tried and tested method of divide and conquer. Work on forging such a strong family unit between just you three that their negativity doesn't penetrate. Don't expect them to see rationally... be grateful that they have cut ties with you and therefore, you can now ensure that your child will be solely around positive, loving people. A child exposed to this toxicity will feel conflicted, insecure and unsure of loyalties. We wouldn't allow a babysitter to behave in such a manner around our children, the same should go for relatives. I wouldn't think it even warrants an explanation to them, they will make up their own lies anyway. Be grateful ye have the opportunity to get away from it now for you and your families benefit. Stay focused on you, your husband and baby. Reduce conversations about them, focus on building your resilience and stay firm in the knowledge that you are protecting your little one.

AulWan

aitadaugherinlaw wrote: »

I've talked to my husband about it this weekend and said that I no longer want anything to do with them. I said he's welcome to bring our daughter to see them if they start talking to him again but I won't be visiting.

You're doing the right thing here, both for yourself, and by acknowledging that any decision regarding the child seeing the grandparents or not has to be agreed by both parents, not just one.

suicide_circus

god almighty they sound demented. if my family treated my wife this way, i would no longer have a relationship with my family, it's that simple really. it's for your husband to set them straight and lay down the law here.

Ellie2008

This is one of the craziest things I have ever read. Your BIL’s behavior around asking him to wait a day post visit sounds particularly insane. I can’t imagine man I know caring that much when they got to meet their niece, it was one day FFS.

OP do you think there is anything at all that could be at that root of all this? Is there some reason your MIL didn’t like you from the word go? Not saying a justifiable reason, but I do wonder as it is all so extreme! Do they look down on you for some reason? Are they snobs, did they prefer an ex girlfriend? Not that it would justify any of it!

LegacyUser

Ellie2008 wrote: »

OP do you think there is anything at all that could be at that root of all this? Is there some reason your MIL didn’t like you from the word go? Not saying a justifiable reason, but I do wonder as it is all so extreme! Do they look down on you for some reason? Are they snobs, did they prefer an ex girlfriend? Not that it would justify any of it!

This is something I think about often. What is it about me that they don't like? Why am I so bad? I know I don't keep my opinions to myself and I'm quite blunt. Maybe these are reasons to not like me? That our personalities clash? But over the past few days I've been thinking and there was a time when we got on and that time conveniently coincided with when they disliked his brothers girlfriend.

His brother and his girlfriend have had an on and off relationship for 15 years. When they break up they break up hard. Everyone gets dragged into it. I even got dragged into it once and I'd never even met the girl. He told my husband that they'd broken up and he'd left her in a hotel in our city and gone home. He rang again a few hours to say that she told him she was going to kill herself. My husband (who's had more dealings with her over the years) said that he didn't care but it didn't sit right with me and I went to the hotel to make sure she was ok. She was fine. I wasted 2 hours out of an evening making sure she was ok. She was never going to kill herself and never said she would. I think the brother got home and felt guilty and wanted someone to check on her.

For the following 6 months (of that particular breakup) his family had no issue with me at all. All their attention was focused on hating her. They got back together and had a miscarriage and since then she can do no wrong and I was back to being public enemy number 1.

Diceicle

aitadaugherinlaw wrote: »

Yes I'm breastfeeding and it's one of the reasons. The other reason is that if I didn't go, I would be even more chastised. I missed a family function once because of work and that's constantly brought up in their arguments about me.



This is it exactly. They will never like anyone and they blame me for him staying in the city where we live.

I've talked to my husband about it this weekend and said that I no longer want anything to do with them. I said he's welcome to bring our daughter to see them if they start talking to him again but I won't be visiting. I've said that I no longer trust them to be alone with my daughter though so overnights stays are gone

Before they became hostile towards you, would your husband have thought his family normal by most peoples standards or have they always been this controlling and odd?
Well done for taking a stand. I think if I were in your situation, the only thing I wouldn't do (in regards to what you've outlined) is let my daughter anywhere near these people. They will be dripping poison in her ear (so to speak) as soon as they get the chance.

Stateofyou

There is nothing you did or could do on any level that would excuse that kind of behavior towards you and your husband, but especially to you. It doesn't matter what their personal issues are, there is absolutely no excuse for acting that way. What I just read is abuse, full stop. I wouldn't allow your daughter to be near them unsupervised, certainly, and I would be appalled if your husband felt comfortable darkening their doorstep or having a relationship with them at all, honestly. I really felt for you after reading what you had been through, and especially after your birth. Family should love and support, especially at vulnerable times like that but instead they cut you down. You didn't deserve that, shame on them. Cut them out completely and focus on your own family. I'm literally horrified for you.

mitresize5

Whether you like it or not they are still your husbands family and the grandparents of your child.

Dont use your child as a weapon against them, its not fair on the child more than anything else and it drags you down to their level

Disassociate yourself completely from them, dont go to any family events, no communication at all, tell your husband you don't want to hear a single thing about them.

If your husband wants to see them or bring the child to see them for a hour or two then don't make his life hard because of it.

Neyite

aitadaugherinlaw wrote: »

For the following 6 months (of that particular breakup) his family had no issue with me at all. All their attention was focused on hating her. They got back together and had a miscarriage and since then she can do no wrong and I was back to being public enemy number 1.

I had a(nother) relative like that (yes quite a few drama queens in my family tree!), not happy unless she had fallen out with one of her family. It was cyclical and when she'd fall out with the next one, she'd swan back to the previous victim like nothing happened. Awful of me but when I heard she died my first thought was 'thank fcuk she can't fall out with anyone ever again'. I'm not sure what caused that sort of behaviour but I wonder if some sort of narcissism/triangulation traits are at play there. Either way you can't change it, only your reaction to it, until the pendulim swings back to hating your SIL again and you are back in favour I suppose.