Need input from a teacher

Alannah Gallagher

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong forum, feel free to move this, but I really need the advice of a teacher.

Since my Dad passed recently, I've left Uni to become the guardian of my little sister. If I hadn't, she'd have been took into care. I'll finish my degree part time at the local Institute of Technology.

I'm having issues with the school. I've been, had a meeting with the principal and she was really nice and supportive, but dealing with the Head of Year, who is responsible for dealing with everyday discipline and problems, is nearly impossible.

I'm not slating her, but as an example just before the Christmas break she called me about an issue, "Hello Lana, this is "Mrs McGowan" [name changed].... You need to have a word with Katie......."

It isn't about whether she calls me Miss or my first name. I really couldn't care less about that, but that is what she took from me saying we needed to treat each other as equals.

If we are to get her back on the rails she really needs to treat me as an equal so we can work together, not try telling me what to do like I'm the naughty schoolgirl. Same as she would any other guardian or parent. I know she's a good teacher, I know it isn't easy for her to adapt to me being the responsible adult now, it isn't 3 years since she was teaching me, and I don't want to cause her problems or cause hard feeling by going down the complaints route, so how can address this with the minimum of fuss?

WildWater

I'm not a 100% sure about what the exact issue is but here's my advice.

You want to be treated as a responsible adult then you need to act like one. (Please note, I am not in any way saying that you have not done so prior to this I am only referring to future actions.) A responsible adult would ask to meet with this Head teacher and explain the issues in a clear and mannerly fashion. They would then seek to work with the teacher for the best interest of the child. I would see no issuing in laying your cards on the table but think about how you are going to do it.

Something like 'I have found myself in a very difficult situation to which I have had to adopt very quickly and figure out as a I go along. I could really use your help by...'

Is likely to be far more productive than an argumentative or confrontational encounter.

The absolute worst thing you can do is feed her prejudice! Imagine the conversation in the staffroom if you are in anyway rude to her. "Oh, that one is a right wagon. I always knew it. Just like when she was here."

Remember neither of you is coming at this from a neutral perspective. To you this individual was your very recent teacher and you were a student to her. [BTW she should 100% be treating you with absolute respect as a responsible adult and let any of her own past experiences be bygones but unfortunately, not everyone is capable of that.] So, in essence you have got to get her to see you in a new light and to do that you are probably going to have to ignore irritating crap that just gets under your skin. A look, a comment etc. For you it may be loaded with meaning real or perceived but the best interest of 'Katie' will not be served by reacting to it or letting it get to you. ALWAYS let the emotion subside before dealing with the issue.

Hope that helps.

Edit:
I would also add that she need to have reasonable expectation of you. Teacher's often say to a parent 'You need to have a word with ...' because the expectation is that that is what parents do (have words with their children) and the further expectation is that the child will take heed of the 'word'. But she needs to realise that you are not Katie's parent you are a guardian that has been trust into the role and asking you to 'have words with her' as a parent would with the same outcome expectations is just ridiculous. I would suggest pointing this out to her at your meeting it will certain help to position you as the reflective adult. You can then ask for her advice which if you get good advice then great but if she can't provide good advice (which she probably can't) then, you are making her see the difficulty of your situation and she should (unless she is completely thick) have more empathy and understanding.

spurious

I really do not see the issue here, perhaps I have missed something in your post.

You are responsible for your sister and the Year Head rang you to point out something there was an issue with regarding your sister, which you need to talk to her about?

I presume the school are aware of your situation?

One eyed Jack

Alannah Gallagher wrote: »

I'm not slating her, but as an example just before the Christmas break she called me about an issue, "Hello Lana, this is "Mrs McGowan" [name changed].... You need to have a word with Katie......."

It isn't about whether she calls me Miss or my first name. I really couldn't care less about that, but that is what she took from me saying we needed to treat each other as equals.

If we are to get her back on the rails she really needs to treat me as an equal so we can work together, not try telling me what to do like I'm the naughty schoolgirl. Same as she would any other guardian or parent. I know she's a good teacher, I know it isn't easy for her to adapt to me being the responsible adult now, it isn't 3 years since she was teaching me, and I don't want to cause her problems or cause hard feeling by going down the complaints route, so how can address this with the minimum of fuss?

It’s an issue you’ll have to address within yourself. The teacher is treating you as a responsible adult with responsibility for a child, and that’s a position you aren’t used to being in. That’s why it comes off as weird when the teacher is suggesting that you need to have a word with your sister.

You’re going to struggle at parent-teacher meetings if you perceive your sisters teachers telling you that you need to do this, that and the other, because they’re thinking of your sisters benefit, not thinking whether or not they’re treating you as a responsible adult. They’re treating you as an adult with responsibility for your sisters welfare.

It wouldn’t matter if it were three years or thirty years since she was teaching you, there are teachers in schools who taught many of their children’s parents or older family members. This is just the first time you’ve been in this situation so you’re taking it as a personal slight against you. It’s not. I’m well aware that teachers will treat any adult with responsibility for a child in their care the same way as you’re being treated, precisely because the teacher in question isn’t treating you any differently from anyone else - their focus is on the welfare of the child.

linguist

Please accept my sincerest sympathy for your loss and my admiration and respect for the course you have taken in taking responsibility for your younger sister.

When I phone a parent over a discipline issue (as an ordinary teacher, I am not a year head), I always remind myself that the parent has done nothing wrong and that I must adopt a professional, respectful and compassionate tone. In general, we are always told to enlist the support of parents and convey to them our concern regarding the behaviour in the student's interests and those of the other students in the class.

I believe that the year head concerned was trying to establish a rapport with you. They probably also remember you fondly from your time as a student and are very conscious of the depth of your loss and the impact this has had on you. Perhaps you are not accustomed to such an approach from a teacher and maybe you need to remember that we are only people too and we do not seek conflict in our interactions. If you truly feel that your relationship with the year head needs improvement or that you need a broader conversation, make an appointment to meet them if you can.

rainbowtrout

So there was an issue with your sister, the year head rang you to have a chat with her. What exactly is the issue? You are her guardian, so it is up to you to deal with these issues now.

It may not be easy to switch from a parental role from a sister role if you are only a few years older than her, but that is your role legally and from the school's point of view. The school have given you the heads up that there is an issue, so you have to deal with it.

There are parents up and down the country getting phone calls like what you've described every day.