Partners ex refuses to leave his house

Dundalkshelly

Deleted User wrote: »

What if not "their" child? What if he gets dna test?

Its his no doubt about that and its not about the child, but thanks LorenzoB

rainbowtrout

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

I don't agree, she has a roof over her head and food on the table for free and raising a child doesn't give you the rights on taking over the house, a house is a big thing, relationships ends that's life, its better to move on and get a job and stay independent, sure the other half has to pay for the child I agree with that, but children get older and go to school and getting a job and working for a few hours wont kill any mother, times are different women don't have to raise 10 children anymore

Each person within a cohabiting couple has legal rights. These are magnified if there are children involved. She has rights to the house.

And it's not for free. If she is minding the child she is contributing to the household. To be honest it sounds like you just want her and the child booted out so you can get in there.

bladespin

Donald Trump wrote: »

Paternity test

Deleted User wrote: »

What if not "their" child? What if he gets dna test?

Doesn't necessarily change anything here.

JustMe,K

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

I know, sadly you are right, its easier to live on the tax payers or somebody else's costs than get out there and find a job, just my honest opinion, I know not everybody will agree.
I know he has to get legal advice and its his decision.

You can blame our governments for that one!

ittakestwo

Deleted User wrote: »

What if not "their" child? What if he gets dna test?

Very hypothetical question and of topic. I don't know the legal position there.....

If you brought up a kid to 10 years believing it was yours and then found out it was not would you abandon them?

I read an interesting case where a hospital mixed up two baby's that were born at the same time in the hospital. The parents found out this after 6 months but neither couples asked for the children to be swapped back as they had already formed very strong bonds with the baby's.

Dundalkshelly

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Each person within a cohabiting couple has legal rights. These are magnified if there are children involved. She has rights to the house.

And it's not for free. If she is minding the child she is contributing to the household. To be honest it sounds like you just want her and the child booted out so you can get in there.

No I don't want anybody "booted" out just thinking ahead, imagine you being in a serious relationship and your partner living in a place with his/her ex day in and day and wondering how long is this going to last ... I am not looking to get in there, am living in a nice place myself and happy there.

lawred2

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It's not just a 'tricky situation' because of Irish law. His ex has rights under Irish law. It's not something he can just wriggle out of, and rightly so. I'd assume that he already knows this.

He will need to go to a solicitor if he wants proper legal advice on the situation, but no he can't just throw her out.

And rightly so. She has lived in that house and raised his children for 20 years.

Dundalkshelly

ittakestwo wrote: »

Very hypothetical question and of topic. I don't know the legal position there.....

If you brought up a kid to 10 years believing it was yours and then found out it was not would you abandon them?

I read an interesting case where a hospital mixed up two baby's that were born at the same time in the hospital. The parents found out this after 6 months but neither couples asked for the children to be swapped back as they had already formed very strong bonds with the baby's.

Has nothing to do with DNA.
Am adopted myself and loved my parents and am very thankful for what they did for me

seamus

In any argument with a child involved, a court will put the best interests of them above everything.

If the child is living in the house, is going to a local school and has local friends, then there is basically no argument in existence that will convince a judge to turf the child out of their home.

And someone has to live with that child, presumably the mother.

That's the bare bones of this and the OP and her partner will have to learn to accept that.

As has been mentioned earlier in the thread, the mother and child living rent-free in the property will be factored into any maintenance order. The OP's partner should consult both a property and a family law solicitor. The former to make that there's no obscure piece of legislation that will give the mother ownership of the property after the child has grown up, and the latter to get advice on ensuring that all parenting agreements and contributions are understood and formalised by both parents.

Deleted User wrote: »

What if not "their" child? What if he gets dna test?

This kind of instance has come up before, and the first line of this post still applies. Best interests of the child override almost everything. There are men who have been court ordered to continue paying maintenance and supporting children which are not biologically theirs.

And while I understand how unfair that seems when you look at it coldly, the reality is that things are way more complicated than that, and we don't measure parentage on biology alone.

Mango Joe

I think the OP hasn't been treated particularly well on this thread, lots of casual pontificating from the very wise and verdicts delivered on the basis of no factual knowledge whatsoever.

Of course relationships end and of course people try and move on and create a happy life for themselves somehow.

Nobody here can presume anything about the OP, her partner or his ex.

Just as this ex may well be a walking Saint she might also be cynical and calculating & regardless it is tough to have to rent a house somewhere, work, save money, contribute to a pension and all the while pay the mortgage for your Ex to watch hours of daytime TV in her pyjamas 7 days a week.

Wabbit Ears

Ahhh, this old thing..
@OP, how can I put it delicately.. He knows all of this and is stringing you along. He needs to end this legally or you need to walk away because now you are a side convenience while he hangs onto a life that's dead and should have been buried a long time ago.

Literally everything he says is a pathetic excuse for not doing anything about it and hes not doing anything about it because its uncomfortable to face the reality that hes lost the house.

Give him a timeline and an ultimatum to resolve this or walk away because you are only the bit on the side of his family unit he hasn't left yet.

splinter65

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

No I don't want anybody "booted" out just thinking ahead, imagine you being in a serious relationship and your partner living in a place with his/her ex day in and day and wondering how long is this going to last ... I am not looking to get in there, am living in a nice place myself and happy there.

You knew when you got involved with this guy what his circumstances were and would continue to be.
You could have walked away but you made a decision to continue the relationship and now your patience is wearing thin and you’ve decided that she is basically a lazy parasite even though you probably have never met her and know nothing about her except for what your boyfriend has told you (which at the end of the day is just his side of the story ).
If you fall in love with a guy who comes with “baggage” then these are the consequences. The law is what it is about property and co habiting couples with children. You can agree or disagree with that law but you will have to abide by it nonetheless.
The best thing you can do now is to try and stop dwelling on your own disappointment and sense of personal injustice or there’s a chance of you saying the wrong thing and finding out the hard way that she and his child are not really any of your business. I’m not meaning this post to be critical of you even though that’s what it may seem like Shelly. Just a note of caution.

splinter65

Mango Joe wrote: »

I think the OP hasn't been treated particularly well on this thread, lots of casual pontificating from the very wise and verdicts delivered on the basis of no factual knowledge whatsoever.

Of course relationships end and of course people try and move on and create a happy life for themselves somehow.

Nobody here can presume anything about the OP, her partner or his ex.

Just as this ex may well be a walking Saint she might also be cynical and calculating & regardless it is tough to have to rent a house somewhere, work, save money, contribute to a pension and all the while pay the mortgage for your Ex to watch hours of daytime TV in her pyjamas 7 days a week.

You have no idea what this woman does all day. You know nothing about her or her life but you’ve decided that she’s watching “hours of daytime tv in her pyjamas 7 days a week”??
Is this what all single mothers do who don’t work Joe?

marieholmfan

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Ahhh, this old thing..
@OP, how can I put it delicately.. He knows all of this and is stringing you along. He needs to end this legally or you need to walk away because now you are a side convenience while he hangs onto a life that's dead and should have been buried a long time ago.

Literally everything he says is a pathetic excuse for not doing anything about it and hes not doing anything about it because its uncomfortable to face the reality that hes lost the house.

Give him a timeline and an ultimatum to resolve this or walk away because you are only the bit on the side of his family unit he hasn't left yet.

This isn't legal advice but why can't he move in with you?

decky1

sorry to say you must be soft moving in with him when you knew his ex was there also, how is that going to work? don't waste your time with him , find a place of your own .

Salary Negotiator

decky1 wrote: »

sorry to say you must be soft moving in with him when you knew his ex was there also, how is that going to work? don't waste your time with him , find a place of your own .

You haven’t read the thread.

Dundalkshelly

marieholmfan wrote: »

This isn't legal advice but why can't he move in with you?

Why should he move in with me if he has his own house? Its not about moving in together right now

bladespin

marieholmfan wrote: »

This isn't legal advice but why can't he move in with you?

Vacating the home altogether might not be the best idea.

decky1

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

You haven’t read the thread.

so their not all in the same house, maybe he should be handling this and she should'nt be worried about it if he's not man enough to sort it out, he won't win this as the law suits the woman +child. give her the keys and walk away start again.

lawred2

decky1 wrote: »

so their not all in the same house, maybe he should be handling this and she should'nt be worried about it if he's not man enough to sort it out, he won't win this as the law suits the woman +child. give her the keys and walk away start again.

what does that even mean?

rainbowtrout

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Why should he move in with me if he has his own house? Its not about moving in together right now

What part of the legal discussion are you missing. In the vast majority of separation cases that involve a child, custody is awarded to the mother. Where the child lives, the mother lives. While it is not 100%, it is highly likely that if they go to the family courts she will be allowed to live in the house to look after the child.

So in that scenario he would have to move out. Therefore if you want to live together that is the most likely outcome. He already knows this. So why don’t you want him to move in with you?

champchamp

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Why should he move in with me if he has his own house

He doesn't have a house. They have a house.

Dundalkshelly

rainbowtrout wrote: »

What part of the legal discussion are you missing. In the vast majority of separation cases that involve a child, custody is awarded to the mother. Where the child lives, the mother lives. While it is not 100%, it is highly likely that if they go to the family courts she will be allowed to live in the house to look after the child.

So in that scenario he would have to move out. Therefore if you want to live together that is the most likely outcome. He already knows this. So why don’t you want him to move in with you?

As you said not 100% and the child will grow up and live her own life some day, I can wait, was just asking for advice as I am clueless, in the end it's his decision you are right but thanks for your honest opinion.
My place is just a 1 bedroom flat and I don't want to separate him from the child at this stage cause she doesn't know about anything, she's only 10

Evd-Burner

splinter65 wrote: »

You have no idea what this woman does all day. You know nothing about her or her life but you’ve decided that she’s watching “hours of daytime tv in her pyjamas 7 days a week”??
Is this what all single mothers do who don’t work Joe?

You must not have read the sentence properly. It said she could be one or the other which is true. She could be a saint or the worst imaginable or anywhere in between really.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

So in that scenario he would have to move out. Therefore if you want to live together that is the most likely outcome. He already knows this. So why don’t you want him to move in with you?

In a lot of cases the family courts can't do anything as the individuals are unable to financially live alone. If the courts go through the finances and see that then they will not kick somebody out. I used to attend a group for single parents and there was lots of people in this situation where a judge said that they cannot afford to live separately. The only time they will force somebody out is if there is violence or intimidation, so as you can probably imagine there were plenty of cases of calling Guards etc to try and fabricate violence and intimidation.

Dundalkshelly

champchamp wrote: »

He doesn't have a house. They have a house.

Don't be too sure about that, its in his name

marieholmfan

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Don't be too sure about that, its in his name

Let's not go round in circles.

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

As you said not 100% and the child will grow up and live her own life some day, I can wait, was just asking for advice as I am clueless, in the end it's his decision you are right but thanks for your honest opinion.
My place is just a 1 bedroom flat and I don't want to separate him from the child at this stage cause she doesn't know about anything, she's only 10

You seem to be one of the nicest people that could ever find herself in this situation; but in the medium term he really should move out and probably not straight in with you. I wish you , the mother and the daughter all the best.

bladespin

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Don't be too sure about that, its in his name

Better to get proper advice, but from what I've seen it doesn't matter a jot who's name it's in as long as they have lived there together and a child is present.

Soilse

Op I feel for you really but you need to take the rose tinted glasses off and do what's right by you. This guy can't or won't commit to you. In the eyes of the law they are still a couple and still living together. He seems to have done nothing to change this does his child know about you are you a couple officially? It's your future if he can't even make an attempt to resolve this do you really want to spend the rest of your life on this headache let him solve his own problems.

lunamoon

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Don't be too sure about that, its in his name

Sorry but are you only reading some people's replies and just hoping someone will agree with you? It doesn't matter who's name is on the house deeds. The house/property is the prime residence of the child and their needs will be put first. 99% of the time the courts side with the mother and in this instance I can't see it going any other way. She is the prime caregiver for them.

You obviously don't like that but not liking it won't change anything.

What could happen if they go to court is:

1. Judge says the mother and child are entitled to stay in the house
2. The father is told to vacate the house
3. The father will have to continue paying the mortgage AND provide maintenance for the mother and child while paying rent for somewhere else for him to live.

Is it fair? To you: no. But it is fair when it comes to the best interests of the child.

Dundalkshelly

Soilse wrote: »

Op I feel for you really but you need to take the rose tinted glasses off and do what's right by you. This guy can't or won't commit to you. In the eyes of the law they are still a couple and still living together. He seems to have done nothing to change this does his child know about you are you a couple officially? It's your future if he can't even make an attempt to resolve this do you really want to spend the rest of your life on this headache let him solve his own problems.

Officially a couple? Yes
Does the child know? No
The rest of my life on this headache? Don't know will see what happens

Dundalkshelly

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Officially a couple? Yes
Does the child know? No
The rest of my life on this headache? Don't know will see what happens

If the child doesn’t know about you, then you’re not officially a couple.

Salary Negotiator

Beginning to wonder if he has actually broken up with the "ex".

Dundalkshelly

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

Beginning to wonder if he has actually broken up with the "ex".

Am not sure about anything but 100% : YES

Lefty Bicek

marieholmfan wrote: »

Let's not go round in circles.
You seem to be one of the nicest people that could ever find herself in this situation; but in the medium term he really should move out and probably not straight in with you. I wish you , the mother and the daughter all the best.

Why be so petty ? Do you know these people ?

seamus

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Am not sure about anything but 100% : YES

I'm going to take you at your word on that because none of us know you or the relationship.

This is not legal advice, but just a few observations that I and others on this thread will have from your posts. Things you might want to reflect on;

Virtually all of your information about her, is coming from your partner.

- She's "lazy", doesn't work, doesn't want to work. I'm going to assume you don't spend your days sitting in the house watching the ex, so I have to assume that this description comes from him, about her.

- She "tricked" him into a pregnancy that she wanted. Now, it's not a wild assumption that you weren't present that night, but I'll also assume that you have never spoken to her about the circumstances of the conception. Again, the claim that this was a deliberate trap, is entirely coming from him.

Have you ever spoken to her directly, not about him? Can you say that you know anything about her that didn't come from your partner (or his friends/family)? Even assuming he's being 100% honest with you, there is always bias. There are 3 sides to every story.

You say that, "He thinks it's a tricky situation cause of "irish law" and mothers rights and bla bla bla ... but would like to live with me at some stage when the child is a bit older."
I don't know if you intended for this to sound really flakey and wishy-washy, but it does. It reads like he hasn't really given any serious focus to this. He hasn't talked to solicitors. He hasn't given long-term plans any thought.
Now, "at some stage" sounds like something I would say, but if I was in a situation where I was with a woman I could see myself marrying, but living with an ex, I would be making proper plans. Figuring out how to make it all work, rather than leaving it to just all fall into place "at some stage".

I have no vested interest into injecting doubt into your relationship; nobody here does. But these are the subtle warning flags that are evident from the things you are writing.

It's worth your while having a think about it.

marieholmfan

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

Why be so petty ? Do you know these people ?

What's petty about it? I wish both women and the daughter all the best.

Wabbit Ears

Im still wondering why you'd do this to yourself? Theres plenty of people out there in this world who aren't in really difficult relationship situations. You have your own place, you can just dump this guy and find someone whos honest with you and there is a chance of actually having a grown up , long term relationship with. This guy is not available despite 3 years of pretending he is.

qxtasybe1nwfh2

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

As you said not 100% and the child will grow up and live her own life some day, I can wait, was just asking for advice as I am clueless, in the end it's his decision you are right but thanks for your honest opinion.
My place is just a 1 bedroom flat and I don't want to separate him from the child at this stage cause she doesn't know about anything, she's only 10

You'll be waiting for 8 years at the very least for the child to move out. Are you willing to put your relationship on hold until then?

Do you think his ex is entitled to nothing then? Ten years ago, when the child was a baby and we were in a recession, maybe they had a conversation to say it would make more financial sense for her to be a stay at home mam than put the child in a crèche. They must have been both happy with this at the time and you weren't there, so you won't know. Just because she didn't choose the same path that you were forced to as a single mother, doesn't mean she's lazy and done nothing for the last ten years.

Lefty Bicek

marieholmfan wrote: »

What's petty about it? I wish both women and the daughter all the best.

It's petty not to wish the father of the child all the best too.

Ginger83

OP it sounds like your his bit of fun on the side

charlietheminxx

This is not legal advice but if after THREE years his daughter doesn't even know you exist, you'd want to think about moving on.

splinter65

charlietheminxx wrote: »

This is not legal advice but if after THREE years his daughter doesn't even know you exist, you'd want to think about moving on.

This guy is having his cake and eating it too I suspect.

Dundalkshelly

Ginger83 wrote: »

OP it sounds like your his bit of fun on the side

Nope fun on the main, we spend lots of time together every day including going out, travels, holidays etc. Nothing "only physical" if that's what you mean

Dundalkshelly

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Im still wondering why you'd do this to yourself? Theres plenty of people out there in this world who aren't in really difficult relationship situations. You have your own place, you can just dump this guy and find someone whos honest with you and there is a chance of actually having a grown up , long term relationship with. This guy is not available despite 3 years of pretending he is.

Am not dumping him and he's not pretending anything. If we have to wait we have to wait and see what happens. Would just be perfect for all of us to be in a better place if the ex would at some stage, not now but some day in the future move on

Dundalkshelly

charlietheminxx wrote: »

This is not legal advice but if after THREE years his daughter doesn't even know you exist, you'd want to think about moving on.

She's too young she doesn't know about those kind of things, sure won't take her long to find out, she still very young

charlietheminxx

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

She's too young she doesn't know about those kind of things, sure won't take her long to find out, she still very young

That's nonsense. My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 5 - it happens in lots of families and once it's explained, children cope. I didn't think there would be many people in this generation pretending "for the kids".

emo72

All the men in the world and you pick a guy who's not really able to offer you much. Your not making this easy for yourself. But... Yeah.... Love is blind, I've been there. I hope it works out for you.

charlietheminxx

Dundalkshelly wrote: »

Nope fun on the main, we spend lots of time together every day including going out, travels, holidays etc. Nothing "only physical" if that's what you mean

Also if this is the case, and his daughter doesn't know about you, and he is working - he's not seeing very much of his child, is he? Sounds like some catch...

qxtasybe1nwfh2

This guy seems to have the best of both worlds here. He must be still in good terms with his ex if they still live together without killing eachother. He's off on holidays and nights away while she's is taking care of the house and child. He doesn't seem to be in any rush to change things at all, only OP enquiring.

lunamoon

Just to ask another question. When the child is 18, doesn't the mother still have the right to live in the house she's lived in for 20 ish years? He can't just kick her out.