Do You Find it Difficult Being Gay at Work?

Elysium1

Hi all


I've just started a new job and I've noticed a repeating pattern. I think a lot of straight guys I work with figure out or assume I'm gay then don't build a basic relationship or avoid communication. I think they run a checklist like:


- do you like sports
- have an interest in fashion / display above average dress sense
- don't act supremely macho
- other tripe, stereotypes or crap


I don't usually 'come out' exactly at work, but if I'm around long enough and colleagues ask am I dating etc. then I'll just say who I'm dating. I don't go around my jobs staring at other guys or anything. Do I glance for 1 millisecond longer at a guy than at a girl? Very likely - as I'm sure we all do with the gender(s) we're attacted to.


It kind of annoys me. My sexuality is a very small part of who I am and it always has been. Most people tell me they wouldn't have guessed that I'm gay, but, in the past, nosey male colleagues have been sly about asking me things and then roll with clichés. In some cases in previous jobs, where I know a few guys were trying to figure it out, they avoided lunch with me or would bolt away or out of the work bathroom. Amazing when you think it's 2020. For the record, I've never been a urinal snooper. If I counted the amount of straight guys staring at my dick in a locker room or bathroom, it's really the other way around. But is any of this necessary.



I think there is some irrational thinking, that a gay person at work MUST - ABSOLUTELY MUST - be attracted to all of the people of the same gender at work. Which is of course, ridiculous. Do I avoid women because of the possibility than an occiasional single one might have an interest in me? No, of course not. But I suspect that's a common straight male fear.



It's even worse when we have a gay taoiseach. Not that we need that to protect us, but it normally is a statement that the society - really is - OK with things.



So, does any of this happen in your work?


In the unlikely event that any straight guys read this, the insight would be especially helpful (though I doubt any would be reading this).

Miike

Much like your self I don't really "come out" at work but I certainly don't hide it either. I have no problem telling them I'm in a relationship with another man. I've yet to feel people avoid me as a result of it but I certainly have felt a minority of people get a little odd about it (just slightly). If people treat me with respect they get the same in return but equally the opposite is true. I just see it as a lost cause trying to change their perception of who or what I am and get on with my life. It's something I worried a lot about in my early 20s but now I literally couldn't give a flying **** what people think of me on a personal level in the professional environment.

Fiery mutant

I'm straight, and to be honest I find it weird if people are treating you like that. I think in this day and age our society has generally become a much better and more accepting place, but you're always gonna get knuckle draggers who can't grow up.

I've had some gay colleagues in the past, I wouldn't have treated them any different than any of my straight colleagues. The thought would have never crossed my mind if any of them ever looked at me in a lustful way, stuff like that never came into conversation. They were just normal people to me, doing their work, living life how best they could, like we all want to.

Dunno if any of this helps, just my 2 cents. Hope it gets better for ya OP.

Goodshape

I have no difficulty being gay at work, though I work for quite a small software company (~10 people) so there's not much room for cliques to exclude others.

I do think there's occasions where you might have to put in a little bit of extra effort with some straight guys, though, before they'll cop to the fact that "gay" isn't your only mode of being or topic of interest.

Some people are worth that extra effort, even if just for the sake of a nicer working environment, and some people aren't. The best don't need extra effort at all but we don't always get that.


I'd hope the people you're describing are relatively young too? Sounds like they might just lack the experience of meeting different people. School-yard type stuff by the sounds of it.

L1011

I work in a media company where easily 20% of the male workforce is out - I imagine its harder for women actually.

In other jobs I've found it useful to have HR know - in a casual manner - as they usually panic and warn all management to look out for phobic behaviour

CosmicFool

Work for a Medical device company as an operator. So about 100 on our shift. Work directly with about 14. They all knew who I was coming in because my partner works in the labs and word spreads around the place quite quickly. Anyways didn't have any trouble with the fellas here. We have a great laugh but I don't follow much sport and I do find it hard sometimes to fit in with them in that respect but other than that they're sound out.

tulisa0709

Hi
I work in child careand I with 16 women and one man lol and I have no problem letting them know I'm out and proud, I'm female and find it hard not to be attracted to my colleagues lol I do have fun though lol 😂

wakka12

I can't say I share the same experience. I'm gay, people can usually tell, I often get asked do you have a girlfriend..boyfriend..? So I guess people know pretty much immediately but are polite about it haha. Although sometimes people are surprised when I say I'm gay too. But yeh most straight guys I know are completely respectful of it and don't seem to be awkward about the fact I'm gay at all, and are just as friendly toward me as the other guys. I'm not much of a lad, mostly do have female friends and tend to get on with women better, but most men I know have definitely given me the chance to become friends. I have to say I'm consistently shocked by how absolutely comfortable almost all straight men in my college seem to be around gay guys. I guess not a 'work ' environment but we are a large year of 24/25 olds doing our master's degree

JackTaylorFan

People treat me fine, until I inform them I'm trans. Then you get treated like a third class citizen.

Peregrinus

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

People treat me fine, until I inform them I'm trans. Then you get treated like a third class citizen.

Do you tell them that you're trans at work? Do you need to?

eviltwin

Peregrinus wrote: »

Do you tell them that you're trans at work? Do you need to?

Why should she hide it?

I've worked with various openly gay guys over the years and none of them ever had an issue that was because of that. They were very matter of fact about it and being gay wasn't part of their personality or a topic of conversation they relied on.

I could perhaps see some workers being standoffish if you haven't come out explicitly while they know you're gay. They could take it that you're hiding it for some reason. I personally wouldn't because I think someone's sexuality is irrelevant and boring, just like mine.

Peregrinus

eviltwin wrote: »

Why should she hide it?

Certainly didn't mean to suggest that she should. Apologies if it came across that way.

If someone is gay, the usual way that work colleagues might become aware of this is by finding that they have a partner of the same sex, either because the partner comes to a work function or because the fact emerges in typical workplace conversation about home or social life, what people did at the weekend, etc. In one signficant respect of their lives, gay people live in a way that it noticeably different from their straight colleagues, and this fact tends to emerge in ordinary social interactions unless you make a point of concealing it.

Whereas it seems to me that this isn't necessarily the case for trans people. A trans woman is a woman; she lives as a woman, in pretty much the way that cis women live; there is no analogue in her life to a gay person's same-sex partner, and so no inherent reason why her status as a trans woman would come to light.

Obviously, someone might be active as a trans advocate, or prominent as a trans person in other ways. Or, Ireland being a small country, work colleagues might have social or family connections that include people who knew or knew of the trans person before their transition. Or, in lots of other ways, it's something that could very easily become known whether you chose to make it known or not. So for all these reasons a trans woman might decide to be pro-active in letting social, work, etc colleagues know of her trans status.

I guess what I was really doing was inviting JTF to discuss the whole issue of identifying as trans in a work environment. It seems to me that it would be easier to let this fly under the radar, if that's what you choose to do, than it would to let being gay fly under the radar. But I'm neither gay nor trans, so I could be talking through my arse.

Have to agree, and may also be talking out of my arse. But if the point is to change gender, then it seems a bit moot to say you're trans. You didn't decide "I want to be trans." You decided "I want to be a woman / man." and identify as such.

JackTaylorFan

Deleted User wrote: »

You decided "I want to be a woman / man." and identify as such.

I didn't decide to be anything. I just am. You're clearly not understanding what it means to be trans, but thanks for the thought

JackTaylorFan

Peregrinus wrote: »

Do you tell them that you're trans at work? Do you need to?

I'm not working, presently (partially to do with subtle discrimination and partially to my deteriorating mental health). I'm in uni now. You make "friends", you try open up, and they reject you. Period. It's the same deal as a workplace though.

JackTaylorFan

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I didn't decide to be anything. I just am. You're clearly not understanding what it means to be trans, but thanks for the thought

I was actually coming back to edit my post because I knew someone would take that the wrong way.

JackTaylorFan

Peregrinus wrote: »

Do you tell them that you're trans at work? Do you need to?

I tell people who seem interested in getting to know me. It's a huge part of who I am. How can people know me, if I don't tell them that?

JackTaylorFan

Deleted User wrote: »

I was actually coming back to edit my post because I knew someone would take that the wrong way.

So, you knew it was kinda dumb, but said it anyway. Gotcha.

wakka12

Peregrinus wrote: »

Do you tell them that you're trans at work? Do you need to?

Everyone should feel comfortable being able to express their identity without fear of criticism or prejudice.

Annasopra

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

So, you knew it was kinda dumb, but said it anyway. Gotcha.

Mod

Fine. Point made. Can everyone get back on topic please

ED E

Elysium1 wrote: »

In the unlikely event that any straight guys read this, the insight would be especially helpful (though I doubt any would be reading this).

*Raises hand*


Straight lad here, work in tech which seems to have average -> above average LGBT among the workforce.

I'm not sure but some of your post comes across as not being part of "the lads". By that I mean the real stereotypical "lads". Couldn't tell you the difference between the premiership and the FA cup (they're things right?) and that has always meant I don't slot naturally into a lot of gents in the canteen groups, especially the less technical guys. Nothing to do with sexual orientation. Its hard to be clear from the OP it this might be the height of whats going on and you're misattributing it or if there's something more.

/2c

JackTaylorFan

ED E wrote: »

*Raises hand*


Straight lad here, work in tech which seems to have average -> above average LGBT among the workforce.

I'm not sure but some of your post comes across as not being part of "the lads". By that I mean the real stereotypical "lads". Couldn't tell you the difference between the premiership and the FA cup (they're things right?) and that has always meant I don't slot naturally into a lot of gents in the canteen groups, especially the less technical guys. Nothing to do with sexual orientation. Its hard to be clear from the OP it this might be the height of whats going on and you're misattributing it or if there's something more.

/2c

You have some really unhealthy stereotypical perception of gay men, to be honest

Professor Genius

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

So, you knew it was kinda dumb, but said it anyway. Gotcha.

Persecution complex much?

JackTaylorFan

It's easier for cishet people to bury their heads in the sand, gaslight, minimise and deny the experience of LGBT minorities. That way nothing ever has to change.

And this forum still allows this ****. It should be an instant lifetime ban

ED E

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

You have some really unhealthy stereotypical perception of gay men, to be honest

Did you read the OP?

wiggle16

It might depend a lot on the industry.

I was bullied out of my first job after I told someone I became friendly with that I was gay, about 15 lads I got on with just turned on me overnight, and the ugliest one in the bunch spread a rumour that I had cracked onto him. I quit a few weeks later, it got too much. One of the managers asked me to do an exit interview, even though they are not done in that job type because there is such high turnover, so management were aware of it and chose to ignore it. I never did anything about it because I wasn't out to my family at the time and just wanted to leave it behind. It did make me much more cautious about telling people though for a long time.

Apart from that, I've never really had a problem over it.

I think to a certain extent that LGBT people can be a bit more concerned about it being an issue than the people we work with are, along the lines of ED E's post. It is a bit hard to tell how much of that behaviour is motivated by "laddishness" and how much might be a discomfort with LGBT people.

JupiterKid

No, not at all - and my sexuality has never been an issue at work (academia and research) but in my early years in my career (1999 to 2004) I was only out to my closest colleagues and not more senior management.

As another poster opined, it depends on both the sector/ industry you work in and how long and how senior you are in your job/place of work.

When I was working summer and part-time jobs in school and college in the 1990s, homophobia was still very widespread, and I would hear homophobic comments by co-workers all the time, from both men and women. But for most of these years I was still in the closet in any case.

Things have changed completely for the better in the past 20 years.

eviltwin

I work in social care and have a few LGBT coworkers and clients and I don't think anyone has ever made any kind of negative comment about it. Being open minded and non judgemental is an important part of the work so it wouldn't make sense for anyone to be homophobic.

JackTaylorFan

ED E wrote: »

Did you read the OP?

Apologies. A bit reactionary, I guess. Shouldn't have assumed you were generalising.

JackTaylorFan

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Apologies. A bit reactionary, I guess. Shouldn't have assumed you were generalising.

A bit? You're a live wire and a massive HR risk for anyone you work with.

You talk about a lifetime ban here for posts with no discrimination or hatred. I wonder how many times you've gone to HR looking for the same about someone who made a tiny mistake in their language like I did.

That's why you're ostracized at work.