Lost in life at 40

LouisD

I'm sitting here dreading another day ahead of me. You always hear people say "he'd be the last person you'd think of" but I find myself wishing daily it would all end.
On the outside I have a 'good job', wife is an an accountant, two kids, decent house, nice cars etc. but I dread each day. I'm trapped in this world of constant bills.

I'm working as a quantity surveyor and I can't take another day of the monotony and drudgery. Not sure many now of the ins and outs of the job but It's affecting me every day. I make small mistakes but I'm supposed to be a team lead. I a quiet and reserved person, this does me no favours as I constantly end up shouldering large amounts of work.

I dwell on mistakes and I'm paralysed with fear over making more, this makes me hesitant to send anything and when I do it's at the last minute pissing everyone off but they just need something to do their bit. One day last week I spotted some one circling something on some work I'd done; I spent the entire remainder of the meeting sweating and wishing the ground would open up. I was convinced I'd made another mistake but it was completely unrelated. I had a red mark on my hand from where I had pressed a pen in to it out of fear.
I have no passion for the job, have tried to do courses within the role to spark something but now they are just hanging over me as another mistake I've made. I work late because I spend the day time hesitant and afraid. If I do some work at night I know that when I send it I have a few hours before it comes back to me

I have no passion for life anymore, I used to run but now find myself overweight and tired all the time. I dream away chunks of the day wishing I was doing something more meaningful and satisfying. I used to be good with my hands but that was never a going to be a permitted career option.

So here I am 40 next week and I feel like I've wasted my life. My wife thinks I'm working hard but she'd be so ashamed if she knew what others thought of me at work. I look at my sons and I just feel I'm letting them down daily. I don't know where to go from here.

LouisD

LouisD wrote: »

I'm sitting here dreading another day ahead of me. You always hear people say "he'd be the last person you'd think of" but I find myself wishing daily it would all end.
On the outside I have a 'good job', wife is an an accountant, two kids, decent house, nice cars etc. but I dread each day. I'm trapped in this world of constant bills.

I'm working as a quantity surveyor and I can't take another day of the monotony and drudgery. Not sure many now of the ins and outs of the job but It's affecting me every day. I make small mistakes but I'm supposed to be a team lead. I a quiet and reserved person, this does me no favours as I constantly end up shouldering large amounts of work.

I dwell on mistakes and I'm paralysed with fear over making more, this makes me hesitant to send anything and when I do it's at the last minute pissing everyone off but they just need something to do their bit. One day last week I spotted some one circling something on some work I'd done; I spent the entire remainder of the meeting sweating and wishing the ground would open up. I was convinced I'd made another mistake but it was completely unrelated. I had a red mark on my hand from where I had pressed a pen in to it out of fear.
I have no passion for the job, have tried to do courses within the role to spark something but now they are just hanging over me as another mistake I've made. I work late because I spend the day time hesitant and afraid. If I do some work at night I know that when I send it I have a few hours before it comes back to me

I have no passion for life anymore, I used to run but now find myself overweight and tired all the time. I dream away chunks of the day wishing I was doing something more meaningful and satisfying. I used to be good with my hands but that was never a going to be a permitted career option.

So here I am 40 next week and I feel like I've wasted my life. My wife thinks I'm working hard but she'd be so ashamed if she knew what others thought of me at work. I look at my sons and I just feel I'm letting them down daily. I don't know where to go from here.

I have no ground breaking advice to give you only that I often feel the same and you are doing so much better than you realise. I am seeing all your positives which you do not see - you have a wife and kids and are well qualified. You manage to keep all that going even though you feel ****. You are so brave to do so. Sit your wife down and show her your post and she will help you put a plan in place to help how you are feeling. There are many low cost counsellors available I would strongly suggest you make an appointment as well as one with your GP for blood tests and a chat. I am sending you so much positive thoughts you will move past this you just need to ask for help. Matt Haigs books have helped me on dark days also. Keep talking and remember this will all pass and you will look back and thank yourself for keeping going. You are more important than you can imagine to your loved ones.

Casey78

It won't solve everything but I'd get back running asap. Might sound ridiculous but running has got me back on track in my life.

LaFuton

one word dude. Brazilian Jui Jitsu.
take a few classes, it'll change your life.
i was in v similar boat, started training and very soon nee things started opening up to me.

best of luck man

listermint

You said you liked working with your hands.

That's a positive place that you obviously think about.

Have you considered looking into local men's shed.?

Honestly it could be a game changer

cannotlogin

You need to talk to your GP and a counsellor as soon as possible as this feeling is unlikely to go away of it's own.

As the poster above mentioned, there's a lot of positives in your life from what you've written but at the moment you can't see them.

Please tell your wife and don't carry this on your own. Or talk to a good friend.

Unfortunately, sometimes there's a snowball effect where most time is spent on work so personal life gets neglected, fitness, energy, diet, enjoyment, family etc get neglected and then the enjoyment goes out of everything. When diet & exercise slip, self image slips and then that has a knock on too.

My mind.ie will do low cost counselling if cost is an issue. Internalizing your thoughts makes them weight heavier.

HildaOgdenx

cannotlogin wrote: »

You need to talk to your GP and a counsellor as soon as possible as this feeling is unlikely to go away of it's own.

As the poster above mentioned, there's a lot of positives in your life from what you've written but at the moment you can't see them.

Please tell your wife and don't carry this on your own. Or talk to a good friend.

Unfortunately, sometimes there's a snowball effect where most time is spent on work so personal life gets neglected, fitness, energy, diet, enjoyment, family etc get neglected and then the enjoyment goes out of everything. When diet & exercise slip, self image slips and then that has a knock on too.

My mind.ie will do low cost counselling if cost is an issue. Internalizing your thoughts makes them weight heavier.

+1 to this.

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. There is help out there. You're feeling low now and in turn, that is making you dwell on things, and get them out of proportion.

I would bet that what you think others including your wife would say, were you to confide in them, would be completely different to what you imagine.

Is there an Employee Assistance Programme in your workplace? If so, I would suggest that as a first step. It's a confidential service, and they will help you. If there isn't one, I would suggest going to your GP, as a first step.

Please do talk to someone. Take care.

Rubberchikken

Talk to your wife. I doubt she'd be ashamed of you or what you are going through at the moment.

I realised a few years back that life is way to short to spend it doing things you don't want to do.

You said you'd have liked to do something with your hands.
Could you retrain? Can you take some time away from work?

Thespoofer

'that was never a going to be a permitted career option.'


Not permitted by whom?

santana75

It sounds like you've reached the end of the road you've been on. This job is obviously not what you want in life and you dont have to let things continue this way. You deserve better than spending vast portions of your time in a job you hate. There is a way out, you just have to look for it. Even if it means sitting in a class room full of kids young enough to be your kids, then this is what you do. You're right, you're not here just to pay Bill's. Helen Keller said life as a daring adventure or nothing at all. She's saying you get to decide what your life will be. And she was blind, deaf and couldn't speak.

ongarboy

I agree with the other posters. Please open up to your wife so you are not carrying this alone. If you somehow can't confide in her, then please seek out a trusted relative, friend or go for some counselling (if your workplace has EAP, try and avail of them). The more you carry this alone in your head, the more destructive it becomes and prevents you from applying impartial, unbiased solutions.

If bills are a big issue, then that needs to be addressed by both of you also as you are a partnership. Both your occupations imply well paid salaries so something is amiss if your household is struggling financially..maybe seek out MABS or other financial advice services.

Finally, please stick to or restart some form of exercise. I run more for the mental benefits and endorphins it gives me rather than the physical benefits. Even if my problems do not get solved, my outlook and attitude after a sweat inducing run are always so much better.

ennis81

Hi
Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad, I would just like to say that you have a very pressurized job as a quantity surveyor, I work for a builder and see how much work goes in, its all very complicated and even the most experienced are bound to make some mistakes, it goes with the job, if you are finding it that draining maybe it is time for a career change, you should talk to your wife I'm sure she would be supportive if she realized how bad things are for you, start running again it will help clear your mind and maybe a visit to the doc is in order too. please stop being so hard on yourself, things will get better

Vivienne23

Your not alone in this !

google imposter syndrome and have a look at the symptoms , not saying this is what you have but I too am in a stressful job and this seems to come in waves , I too make mistakes EVERYONE DOES , some just hide it better than others ! But like you I dwell on the mistakes for weeks second guessing everything I put my hand to ,

I get the bills too , I have put myself in not a large amount of debt but enough as to keep me working but ya know you just have to keep going and try to get your mentality back in the right place

Also it’s January everything is **** !

CrankyHaus

From what you've said the root of your problems seems to be your work. You haven't mentioned any real problems with your home life, your wife or your kids, other than that you're too drained and overwhelmed by work to be happy outside it.

This is actually a huge positive. Jobs, even careers, can be changed with much less difficulty than a family. I'm not trying to be patronising. I know and understand how it's difficult to see the positives in a situation like this, the negative stuff just gets stuck in your head.

My advice is to open up to your wife. With her support you can plan action on the work front, whether that's a change in your approach, role, job or career. Meanwhile consider prefessional help to get you over the rut you're in mentally, start with your GP. Finally a fulfilling, healthy activity will help give you a purpose outside work. Starting back at running is the obvious one though you may prefer something else. No worries if you're not at the level you were, January's full of people starting back at running after a long hiatus.Best of luck.

Skibunny77

Op, you should speak to your GP about anxiety. Rational and irrational work related fears have eroded your quality of life and confidence. Please get help, if you have private health insurance, St Pats run excellent outpatient anxiety programmes. A combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and medication is an excellent approach. A family member was in an identical position last year, he sought help and had done so well since. There is hope, best of luck.

Upforthematch

LouisD wrote: »

I make small mistakes but I'm supposed to be a team lead. I a quiet and reserved person, this does me no favours as I constantly end up shouldering large amounts of work.

I dwell on mistakes and I'm paralysed with fear over making more, this makes me hesitant to send anything and when I do it's at the last minute pissing everyone off but they just need something to do their bit. One day last week I spotted some one circling something on some work I'd done; I spent the entire remainder of the meeting sweating and wishing the ground would open up. I was convinced I'd made another mistake but it was completely unrelated. I had a red mark on my hand from where I had pressed a pen in to it out of fear. .

I think you could do well to work with a life coach or counsellor to check those catastrophising thoughts and learn nicely to say no. Now is also a great time to change job if the personalities you work with are getting you down.

+1 on all the other great advice.

emilymemily

I cant express enough the importance of having a healthy diet and staying active, the effects of a healthy diet and good exercise on the body, mental health and over all energy and performance are incredible. It's something I notice in myself, if im eating badly and not getting exercise for a couple of weeks at a time, I will become depressed, then I will wonder why im depressed. Self care should be number one priority, your sedentary lifestyle would depress anyone and once the bad thoughts get a good hold of you they can spiral out of control and before you know it you're thinking about ending it all. Your thoughts are very powerful.

As for your job, could you change careers? Lots of people do at 40, have a look at spring board or some part time or online master courses that you could do, youre good with your hands so maybe something practical or creative? Its never too late and lots of people in worse dire straights than you have made the change.

The only person stopping you is yourself.

Also, be easy on yourself, you're not as bad as you think.

beauf

emilymemily wrote: »

I cant express enough the importance of having a healthy diet and staying active, the effects of a healthy diet and good exercise on the body, mental health and over all energy and performance are incredible. It's something I notice in myself, if im eating badly and not getting exercise for a couple of weeks at a time, I will become depressed, then I will wonder why im depressed. Self care should be number one priority, your sedentary lifestyle would depress anyone and once the bad thoughts get a good hold of you they can spiral out of control and before you know it you're thinking about ending it all. Your thoughts are very powerful. ....

Couldn't agree more.

The positive mental health from exercise is something many forget.

ILoveYourVibes

Well you need a better work life balance right now.

Ask can you maybe work a four day week for a while or something. And if they say no ....maybe consider a career break.

Finding another dream job etc is always an option but it might be something you do for part of your week and a little quantity surveying also.

Can you freelance as a surveyor?

Maybe ask your GP for a therapist who focuses on confidence and things like that.

You will need it.

To go for your dreams and change your life requires a lot of guts and confidence and courage.

And op you are probably way stronger than you think. I mean you get up everyday and do a job you don't feel comfortable in and you don't like. That's strength.

Just turn it around so it works for you.


I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Someone circles a detail on your work. Put it in perspective.

To change your life ....and do something you want ...that's going to take a lot of courage too. Probably more than just staying where you are.

drunkmonkey

You need to deligate more, free up your time and bring down your stress levels. Your at the age now where you can let the younger ones get experience and make your life easier.
Try it out tomorrow, pass on some work, head out for a walk and come back and check on them. Your job is to make sure everyone else does theirs.
Have a good chat with the Mrs tell her how fed up you are. I've an accountant as well so I kinda get you on she doesn't take it seriously their heads usually thinking of something else.
Do you get out much I know some couples with kids never leave them, get a sitter Friday night and the two of you head out, maybe get the sitter to stay the night and ye book in somewhere and have a good evening. Ask herself to treat you. Let her know the constant cash draw is getting you down.
Are you both from where you live, have you talked about moving if not or maybe moving somewhere with a slower and cheaper pace of life.
You sound like you've both good jobs but if it's Dublin your only probably getting by.
Keep going anyway, concentrate on the kids..they need you more than anyone. Ask them what you should do to cheer up a bit, you'd be surprised no matter how young the ideas they come up with.

Getting away is good as well and I know it can be very expensive with kids, a few people have mentioned home swap to me as a cheap way to get somewhere different with little more than your flights to pay for, https://www.lovehomeswap.com/ You definitely need a break to recharge.
Have everything delegated well in advance so you've nothing to think about.

LegacyUser

op, i am in exactly the same boat. On the outside successful career, family and property but on the inside i am a mess. I have exactly the same feelings/thoughts as you. If my friends or family knew how i felt they would not believe it as on the outside i would be the last person that you would think that feels that way. i have spent the last 20 years working hard to get where i am, doing what other people wanted and i suppose in a way what i thought was expected of me without putting myself first or doing anything for me.
i fell trapped in life and i am questioning and doubting everything. i feel like i just want to curl up and cry. i haven't cried in years and years and i think that when i do cry i may not be able to stop. just so unhappy at the moment. the only thing keeping me going at the moment is my family and knowing that there has to be something better out there. i know that one day all this will be over and i will look back at now and laugh at how i felt.
started therapy before Christmas and it is helping but its going to be a long road. i think i have a plan and going to put into place very shortly. the dark evenings and bad weather do not help one bit but as the country folk say you can now start to see a stretch in the evenings and birds are back singing.
op it helps to talk. i havent spoken to my wife yet but will do shortly. as a lot of other people have said get exercising as it will clear your head and best of luck, your not alone!

Jed and Dave

OP I could have written this post, Im the same age, also a QS and going through something similar, I got into the job because im good with numbers and I thought I liked spreadsheets but after about 3 gazillion spreadsheets you start to goggle eyed and like that feel very isolated in the role and always feel like my neck is on the block.
Like you I don't have a passion for the job and I cant see myself doing it for the next 20 odd years until retirement and my self esteem has suffered a lot lately, however the pay is reasonable and id be afraid to jump now into something new now I know moneys not the be all and end all.
I suffer from Depression and am taking medication and I sometimes wonder am I unhappy because of the job or is it me and Im projecting it onto the job if you know what I mean?
Echo what others said about exercise - I do find walking great for the head to get away from the spreadsheets.

Thespoofer

Jed and Dave wrote: »

OP I could have written this post, Im the same age, also a QS and going through something similar, I got into the job because im good with numbers and I thought I liked spreadsheets but after about 3 gazillion spreadsheets you start to goggle eyed and like that feel very isolated in the role and always feel like my neck is on the block.
Like you I don't have a passion for the job and I cant see myself doing it for the next 20 odd years until retirement and my self esteem has suffered a lot lately, however the pay is reasonable and id be afraid to jump now into something new now I know moneys not the be all and end all.
I suffer from Depression and am taking medication and I sometimes wonder am I unhappy because of the job or is it me and Im projecting it onto the job if you know what I mean?
Echo what others said about exercise - I do find walking great for the head to get away from the spreadsheets.

Hi OP, I'd have to throw my hat in to the ring and say I do feel similar at the age of 47.
I work in trades and physically starting to really feel it and can't see myself going the distance, not that I think I want to in my current position as I've lost the hunger for it, my heart doesn't seem to be on it anymore.

What I do find frustrating is not knowing which direction to go.
So you're not alone OP some days are tougher than others.
Don't let others put you under unnecessary pressure where it effects your mental well being, f€@k them let them keep it.

Mad_maxx

LouisD wrote: »

I'm sitting here dreading another day ahead of me. You always hear people say "he'd be the last person you'd think of" but I find myself wishing daily it would all end.
On the outside I have a 'good job', wife is an an accountant, two kids, decent house, nice cars etc. but I dread each day. I'm trapped in this world of constant bills.

I'm working as a quantity surveyor and I can't take another day of the monotony and drudgery. Not sure many now of the ins and outs of the job but It's affecting me every day. I make small mistakes but I'm supposed to be a team lead. I a quiet and reserved person, this does me no favours as I constantly end up shouldering large amounts of work.

I dwell on mistakes and I'm paralysed with fear over making more, this makes me hesitant to send anything and when I do it's at the last minute pissing everyone off but they just need something to do their bit. One day last week I spotted some one circling something on some work I'd done; I spent the entire remainder of the meeting sweating and wishing the ground would open up. I was convinced I'd made another mistake but it was completely unrelated. I had a red mark on my hand from where I had pressed a pen in to it out of fear.
I have no passion for the job, have tried to do courses within the role to spark something but now they are just hanging over me as another mistake I've made. I work late because I spend the day time hesitant and afraid. If I do some work at night I know that when I send it I have a few hours before it comes back to me

I have no passion for life anymore, I used to run but now find myself overweight and tired all the time. I dream away chunks of the day wishing I was doing something more meaningful and satisfying. I used to be good with my hands but that was never a going to be a permitted career option.

So here I am 40 next week and I feel like I've wasted my life. My wife thinks I'm working hard but she'd be so ashamed if she knew what others thought of me at work. I look at my sons and I just feel I'm letting them down daily. I don't know where to go from here.

Sounds like anxiety and depression, leaves you second guessing yourself all the time

farmchoice

you are not alone mate, .the American writer Henry David Thoreau famously wrote '' the mass of men live lives of quite desperation'' and its very true.

in fairness quantity surveying is a particularly stressful job.

you need to plan a way out of it, or at the very least maybe a move to a new employer, where you could start again so to speak.

JustAThought

I’m really sorry you are going through such a tough time and feel that there is nothing to look forward to and nothing but bills and daily grind and unachievable perfectionism.

I had a horror time in work a few years back and one day driving to work I could not face another day of going on and dealing with it, and I literally stopped at a random doctors surgery and went in (I didnt feel I could go to my own) and the doctor wrote me a sick cert for two week for vague stomach virus and It was the best gift I have ever had. It gave me the break I needed and the emotional distance from all the **** that had building up in work for years. After the 2 werks he gave me another cert and those 3 weeks were just what I needed to get started making a plan that would suit me. I really recommend it. Best thing I ever did.

You mentioned bills - as you both work have you overspent or do you feel that you are ‘just’ the bank of X and have no enjoyment and return from the effort and misery of work other than paying bills. Maybe there are areas you can decide to cut back on , or priorities you can build in like paying for a course in carpentry or art or whatever you used be good at with your hands so that you can have a personal benefit from your salary and not just be a work slave.

Regardless of payment policy in work your helth is the priority and you absolutely sound like you need a few weeks distance from your job. Go to a doctors and get a sick cert, post it in - no finishing up projects or tidying up - turn off your phone and be sick and closed for businesss. You need it.

You sound burned out and a hard worker - perfectionists ofen suffer because they strive harder and worry more. Im sure there is an article or book on how to step back from achieving 100% every time and learning to accept that not every figure and calculation and contingency can be 100% perfect every time.

Have you a group/club you go to or would like to try? Sunday cycling or treking or kickboxing? Join a something exercise based for yourself - exercise outdoors is consistently something that experts say is immediately beneficial for improved mental health - choose something that wont allow you to ruminate and is group based - parkrun / meetup training groups - you will feel better for it.

I know its hard with a family but have you considered taking a holiday? Getting away and to a totally different environment can break a cycle of hopelessness and help you reengage - maybe you have always wanted to visit a city or wanted to see a particular sight (old trafford stadium/ visit wimbledon/free entrance mondays at the louvre Paris) - it dosnt have to be a long break just something to give you a totally different perspective and environment and can be done over a weekend without it becoming something for all the family and costing a fortune.

Personally I wouldnt go changing careers at the miment or looking for a new job - you have security where you are and a new job could be more stress and more looking for perfectionism. Take a break, do something for you, do a class with new people where you can laugh over something & be engaged in something totally different & even if you were never interested just try it.

i hope things will also improve for you soon. you are loved and needed and cherished. you just need to see that which can be ard. Take a long break from work - no contact, no explanations and if jo payment then you will mangage - you are far more important than a paycheque and worth far more.

things are just bad at the
moment; it WILL get better.

Mr Meanor

See the doctor and get a blood test.
In your forties with weight gain, depression, and some of the other symptoms you describe could be as simple as a thyroid issue!

Neyite

More and more I'm seeing people in their forties do a career change, some dramatically different from their previous roles. I've yet to hear of one person who regretted it. Even if their leap of faith didn't work out (in one or two cases) they had a fall-back, an established career they went back to glad at having given it a try.

So, why not go for it? There's plenty of courses that are online, part time or blended learning. Talk to your wife and tell her what you've written here. There's a good chance that the unhappiness is seeping into your home life as well so maybe she'd love nothing more than to see you energised and happy about a new role.

My partner is in a similar predicament. He loved his old role but got moved to a new role and isn't liking it as much. He's giving it a trial run and then will consider his options but he's got my full support and help if he wants to leave or retrain to do something he might love, and he appreciates that. We've still got bills and all that, but his happiness is more valuable so we would figure out ways to make it work if he wants to change it up for himself.


You have the other dissatisfactions going on, which others here have given you good advice on so I won't repeat their posts, but even just talking to your wife about your job might tackle a big part of your unhappiness and get you both thinking about potential changes.

dvdman1

Sorryto hear your troubles..You may be clinically depressed, its sounds like you have let negative thoughts take over.
Your mind is in a constant loop of negative thinking over and over.
Exercise can help but it may require some drugs for a short period..ask your gp about this.
Definitely get that weight off, either by directing your energy into a diet and/or exercise..this will make you more confident and give you clearer thoughts.
Eventually your chemical imbalance will become normal and positive...good luck.

cannotlogin

I know we aren't supposed to look for updates but if the OP is reading I'll love to hear if you are ok or feeling anymore positive since your last post.

There's help there, please take it.

Dog day

JustAThought wrote: »

I’m really sorry you are going through such a tough time and feel that there is nothing to look forward to and nothing but bills and daily grind and unachievable perfectionism.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. I think there’s been some great advice already given in this thread particularly from JustAThought in relation to taking some time off.

There is absolutely no shame in taking some much needed sick leave. It’s amazing how some physical distance from the daily grind can provide clarity & a way forward. You could use this time to try to talk to your wife about how you’re feeling & to just even get out & about on some long head clearing walks. As another poster mentioned the benefits of exercise can not be overstated.

At the moment it sounds like you’re caught in a spiral of negative thoughts & taking some small initial steps will start you on the path to feeling better. You can then hopefully start making bigger changes if still needed & only when you’re feeling ready to do so.

For the moment please take some time for yourself & spend quality time with your wife & sons.

40 is still so young, there are lots of dreams you can still fulfil, just give yourself space & time to find out what those aspirations are.

There are some great TED Talks on YouTube on all manner of subjects & challenges that you may find helpful. Be kind to yourself & things will get better. I wish you all the very best.