Mother in Law hates me..advice on how to accept it and move on?

Maddy88

I had one argument during wedding planning where I raised my voice on phone about RSVPs I was getting from guests not on list, after about two list extensions. I rang and text the next day saying that we were all stressed and let’s move on. The phone went to voicemail and no text reply. No contact then until wedding. Wasn’t even asked what I thought of cake she was ordering. I couldn’t wait for it to be over so things could be normal. I Went to a counselor as I was so confused why one argument would lead to such a black out, I was advised keep a bit of distance and let her make some effort. Heard nothing even when we went on honeymoon. I called down at Xmas with a gift and had nice chat. I invited them up over Xmas whenever suited them to ring ahead, my husband pushed her saying surely they had one free night. They never visited over Xmas. Don’t know why I am surprised. I got a job promotion after six years this week, no congratulations. I find it hard to understand people like her, every friend I know had bigger arguments with MIL but they all move on cos they want to be in their future grandchildren’s lives. Any advice on how to expect nothing?

Evd-Burner

Have you any children?

I would imagine her attitude might change if a baby arrives.

jackboy

Maddy88 wrote: »

Any advice on how to expect nothing?

You have already made the first move to sort it out and she has not drawn a line under it. Under no circumstances apologize or make any more effort, what you are doing is fine.

It’s a battle of wills. You have all the power and are not playing which is probably driving her demented.

Faith

Mod note: Thread moved to Personal Issues. Please note that the PI charter now applies.

rainbowtrout

She's not happy that you don't allow her to have control and don't allow her to push you around. RSVPs from people who weren't on your guest list? That's ridiculous. Stop expecting anything from her. You and your husband have extended the invite to your home. They know it's there. Don't ask again. Stop expecting them to acknowledge achievements etc. Just continue on with your lives, and if they want to be part of yours they will get in contact. But only invite them into your lives on your terms. Any more stunts like that, give them short shrift.

Also there's no point comparing them to your friends' mothers in law. You just can't compare individual situations. Some mother in laws are great and supportive and some are wagons.

Loveinapril

Maddy88 wrote: »

Any advice on how to expect nothing?

Just simply live your life. You have done your but by trying to get back to normal, if she wants to be a child about it, then let her. Weddings really do bring out the worst in people. My mother annoyed me around my own wedding because none of her extended family (who she doesn't speak to and I barely know) were invited 🙄 You just need to know that you have done your best to maintain your relationship with her and the ball is in her court now.

HildaOgdenx

I agree with previous posters. You have tried. It's up to her / them now.

Expect nothing in terms of acknowledgement of success, or visits, and you will not be disappointed.

Enjoy your promotion, well done.

irishgrover

If you are looking for advice on how to accept and move on....
1. I would analyse your behaviour, it appears to be relatively impeccable. You took an appropriate level of control over your own wedding. You attempted to reconcile when things went south
2. Look at your MILs behaviour, by contrast it seems poor.
3. You cannot judge your own success or failure on the behaviour of others, as a consequence don't hold yourself accountable for her actions
4. Try to ensure that your husband continues to have a good relationship with his family but ar the same time endure he understands your discomfort with his mother's unjustified behaviour
5. Don't force it. You're not responsible for her behaviour, good, bad or otherwise
6. Congratulate yourself for standing up for yourself anda your marriage. If you had caved in can you imagine the level of intrusive unwanted control and influence this woman would otherwise have on your life

Panthro

Your wedding and she inviting people. That's a massive no no. That's you and your partners day, nobody else's. Your partner should have reined her in on that carry on straight away.
I would have gone full groomzilla if my MIL tried any of that carry on tbh. Cheeky move. Worst case ye might not know them that well and have to pay for their meal, then hope they put a few quid in a card to cover it. Nah not happening on my watch.
You were dead right.

You've even gone out on a limb to smooth it over, calling round with a gift and talking to her.
And you've invited them round for Xmas which they have refused. That's their prerogative, if they've a problem let them deal with it.
You've offered more than enough olive branches to smooth things out. It takes 2 people to play tennis, if she's not playing ball then let her off.

If she wants to be butt hurt over something that was her own doing to begin with that's her problem not yours.

beauf

Back down even an inch and this mil will bully you for the rest of your life.