No patience with elderly mother who wont help herself

LegacyUser

My mother is 77, a widow, and lives in the same house she grew up in and raised us in. She has 3 children, 2 sons (im the youngest) and a daughter. She has always had back problems like sciatica but the last 2 years shes humped over and its clear she has some kind of spinal or hip problem, maybe fluid on her legs too. She can get around the house ok and walk short distances but that's it, she cant walk far and she has said to me she cant do the housework as much as she used to. I live close by and have no family so that's fine I told her ill drop in daily and give her a hand with emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry, giving her a take away dinner etc and every week we bring her to the pub for a carvery.

Thing is, its clear her back problem is even worse than she lets on as she can barely even get up the step from the kitchen to the sitting room some days and the pain is written on her face. I have told her over and over again to see the doctor, they can examine her spine, give her a steroid injection etc and her response is always "No im fine, they cant help me, doctors cant do anything for bad backs" and this leads to a row between us where I tell her how can she know until she at least tries? If she did have osteoporosis or a bad hip etc we could take it from there and do a rota around the house but im starting to get really p!ssed off that I come home from a hard days work, sort my own stuff out then when I get up to her, there is NOTHING done- the place is a mess, the grate isn't empty and the drier is full. She only makes small meals and watches tv or visits her neighbour for a chat, its clear she needs a carer but again she wont have it. To make matters worse, she is a borderline alcoholic who gets through a bottle of wine a day and her excuse if "Im old, let me do what I want", so on top of enabling an alcoholic i have to do everything around the house and I want to set boundaries now..

I got really annoyed with her yesterday when yet another load of washing needed doing and I said straight out "I don't want to be your carer, I have my own life. You have to meet me halfway" but she just shrugged so im at my wits end.

She wont go to the doctor, shes expecting me and my brother (our sister is abroad and has no interest) to just be her carers forever as well as juggle our own lives and I just don't want that- I have my own life and don't want to be one of those people who are chained to a stubborn parent until the day they die. Judge me if you want for that but its the truth- I love her and ill help do some of the work but not ALL of it, and if she wont meet me halfway what am I to do? Can you ask the CareDoc to come up to someone who doesn't think they have a problem? How can I get info on a carer to come in a few hours a day just for the washing/hoovering. Shes fine to walk slowly and feed/dress herself but I have enough of doing everything. Any advice people? Thanks for reading.

wiggle16

Apart from not believing that the bad back can be helped, is it possible that the reason she will not get it seen to is because she may fear that if she is "cured" then you and your brother will not come around to help her, or visit as often?

She's fixated on the idea that her children should be her carers, not that she does not need care. I think she's probably afraid that if she gets a carer or becomes less debilitated that you and your brother will go the same way as your sister as there's nothing obligating yous to stick around, in her head. There's probably an element of pride and privacy in it as well.

All in all you (and your brother) need to sit down with her and make clear that this is not sustainable and it will have to change. If her back gets worse and she becomes more infirm then she's not going to be able to bathe or take care of her own basic needs and the only way you're going to be able to provide that kind of care for her is to hire a carer. I know that's not great advice and it's easier said than done but you all need to talk about this without letting it turn into a row.

I wouldn't spring a doctor on her. By all means talk to your GP about it but she needs to be involved in the management of her own health.

sadie1502

My mother wouldn't go to the doctor as she was terrified and had a big fear they would find something wrong. No amount of talking to her worked. Maybe she is terrified?

HildaOgdenx

Is there a Public Health Nurse in the area?

If so, could you contact them, explain the situation and it might move things forward. Sometimes people will listen to a health professional when they won't listen to family.

I can see how the current situation is frustrating for you. It's also not nice to see your mam in pain, when it might be something that could be alleviated with medication.

AulWan

You can apply for home help by contacting the public health nurse, which I would do first thing tomorrow. I would also make an appointment to talk to her GP, and see how they can assist.

How is your mother managing to bathe/shower with her back? A home help can help your mother with any personal hygiene needs and will light a fire or make a light meal, but housework is something they won't do.

Would you, your brother and your mother combined be able to afford to pay for a cleaner once a week? I pay a cleaner €30 for two hours, and some will do laundry /ironing too.

Fakediamond

Did she ask you to do these daily jobs or did you volunteer/decide you had to do it? I think I’d be inclined to let her ask for the help, and then decide how it can best be provided. You said it yourself, you’ll be left doing it if you keep shielding her from the reality of her situation.

I also agree with poster who spoke about the fear. It could be fear of losing independence, being put in hospital or a care home, or at its most basic, losing out on her bottle of wine a day if the medics get involved!

I wouldn’t judge you by the way, her stubbornness would drive me mad too.

ILoveYourVibes

wiggle16 wrote: »

Apart from not believing that the bad back can be helped, is it possible that the reason she will not get it seen to is because she may fear that if she is "cured" then you and your brother will not come around to help her, or visit as often?

.

I doubt that is the issue.

Most of the time with elderly people its the fear of being told something is really really wrong. Then there is the fear of losing control.

A lot of elderly people fear doctors or are embarrassed to be looked after by someone else. They find the ideas of strangers coming in embarrassing ...or even STRESSFUL.

She can be herself around her kids. But if you have a carer you have to get ready to see them ...present yourself ...be pleasant ..its tiring for an older person and an upset to their routine.

OP basically you have to get a carer/cleaner she can get used to and that she actually clicks with.


Would you try and get one at first to go around WITH YOU for the first few months. And you both do the housekeeping etc.

If your mom doesn't like her you can find someone else.

Just put it as ..'This is ...lora ..she has just come to help me a bit mom'.

If she doesn't like her she can get someone else. Sometimes you just have to find the right fit for someone.

Just like she has to find the right dr. Keep looking until she finds one she likes.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I think there are 2 issues here.

your mothers needs which have to be continually addressed
your mothers wish to be independent, which i am sure you understand, even if it frustrates you.

these 2 needs can be at odds with each other, but OP it can be hard for a parent to 'be told' by their child, even if you are right.

I completely agree with the 2 ideas above. Contact GP and district nurse, and tell them you mother needs a carer for a few hours a week. Tell them she cannot manage basic housework and personal hygiene tasks without aid, and that she doesn't have a carer. Discuss with mother and explain if she wishes to live at home she does need assistance. The good news is the home support acts as another person she can chat with, helps vary the day and give her another social outlet.

https://www.hse.ie/eng/home-support-services/apply-for-home-supports-services/

you have to fight for this, but with support your mother can continue to live in her home - as per her wishes.

pwurple

You cannot force a home help on someone who has refused this. They simply will not coorperate. This I know from experience, the home help my mum arranged for her parents was shouted at, accused of stealing, they would not let them in etc. Please don't do this, its wasting public resources, is abusive for the carer, and it is hugely patronising to your mother.

What I would do here, is start to cut back what you do, bit by bit. Tell her you can't get over there tomorrow, where is a work or social event on. Come the next day instead, and gradually increase until she knows herself she needs more assistance. Agree this in advance with your brother so you are not just landing him with it instead. Don't go cold turkey here, just ease off on it over a few weeks.


You're propping this up at the moment, this needs to be her idea for her to accept it.

Neyite

I agree you can't force her to accept outside help - for one thing, she knows she's drinking excessively and will not want a cleaner or carer to see the empties.

It's worth talking to the public health nurse - not necessarily to get them to put in wasteful resources but as an information point for you. They have lots of practical supports and suggestions that might work for your situation.

If she would agree to some sort of cleaner or home help then your sister abroad can help contribute to that if she can't give any hands-on help.

Xterminator

In addition the public nurse will drop around, and tell mum if she needs this help, and hearing it from them instead of you may make all the difference.

whippet

I went through something similar with my folks .. again I was the only sibling around to offer assistance.

My mother has dementia and my dad was physically ill .. it all started off 5 years ago when he deteriorated really badly and wouldn’t allow a doctor in to the house .. it took me to call and ambulance to get him help .. he had a long recovery period and all the while mam was getting worse.

The house was a mess as they just couldn’t handle it and I spent my weekends doing house work, shopping, preparing meals and during the week I called out every day to make sure they were warm and fed.

Under no circumstances could I get a carer in ... just refused point blank.

My dad managed to hide the worst parts of mams dementia from us ... until it got to the point that we had to put her in to a home. The only reason I could think that he would do this was to keep his independence .. he couldn’t do anything Physical so he needed her to be in the house.

When mam was left it was evident that he couldn’t survive alone .. and his health deteriorated even further. Eventually when I managed to convince him to come and live with me his health gave up altogether and after a short stay in hospital he passed away.

To this day I can’t understand why he tried to hold on to independence and obviously living in pain, discomfort and chaos.

I too nearly threw in the towel as it was impacting on my own family life .. thankfully I had a wife who understood and afforded me all the space to do what was needed ... my siblings are now struggling with the guilt of not helping more. I grew closer to my dad over the last few years than ever to the extent that my siblings I feel barely even knew him.

I suppose what I am saying is ... there is nothing more stubborn than an Irish mammy or daddy ... and despite their inability to seem thankful .. they are .. and don’t regret the time you spend with them

LegacyUser

We just went through similar with my Nan whose 94 and was living on her own and not managing but refusing to allow help in besides her own children. My aunt who lives the nearest to her was really struggling as she's no spring chicken herself and two siblings live overseas but expected to come home for a months at a time to live with her. My Nan ended up in hospital several times through out the year and still wouldn't listen. Her view was it was her childrens job to look after her. It ended in a big screaming match with my mum and her and my mum storming out and refusing to come back (she lives overseas) before my Nan agree to discuss the issue. She moved in with my other aunt and her husband but into a granny flat with a career coming once a day to look after her. It was a lot of shouting and cross words to get there but it eventual sunk in that she couldn't go on as she had been.

Best to sit down as a family and discuss now before you get to the shouting part!

JustAThought

V sorry for your situation OP.

I agree with some of what has been said here but carers can be very dubious - we have had some shocking experiences as a family and I wonder if they should even be titled carers - maybe don’t carers might be more apt in many HSE contributed cases.

Regarding a drop in - maybe your mom certainly needs your company and a bit of help but the share of the work should fall between the family members. Call a meeting with your other sublings - skype or mixed meeting - and arrange a daily schedule split between all of you. Those that are overseas contribute in cash to a fund a cleaner for the hours they cannot do themselves. They cannot just remove themselves from the situation. if you are as mistrusting as I am you can stipulate that the cleaner only be in attendance when you visit (set x time, y night) and make sure they know what they are expected to do - laundry once a week, washing saucepans and putting dishes away, hoovering and cleaning the bathroom, tiles and floors, washing sjirting boards and counter tops and surfaces weekly - none of this dusting and watering plants nonsense. That will leave you free for light dishwasher unloading only and chit chat and cups of tea with your mother - the social stuff, not the drugery.

Regarding her back suggest to her that things are very different nowadays with backs and there is physiotherapy that is non invasive that could help and you will bring her to the doctor as you dont want her to be reported by a nosey neighbour to the social welfare or community nurse or to fall and break something ‘and have to spend time in a hospital ‘ when it could be avoided.

tbh she sounds as thou shes depressed and fed up with it all - and in a way she is right - she has earned her bottle of wine - Like myself - why not let her enjoy her little pleasures. You could see if there is a local group or one day a wel activity she could get involved in - often there is a parish group or ‘old folks’ group / active retirement/ hobby groip - whatever. Sign her up for something and see if you or your sibling can make sure she goes. As regards your other subling get him and his family to have her over one day a week to dinner- spreads the load and might pick her up a bit.

the14thwarrior

I hope you find a solution. Here is my advice:
ask for help from family, accept what they can offer. because if they say no, they say no, and its on them. nothing you can do about it. without knowing any history, they have their own reasons for not wanting to get involved and we can never fully understand. Even if we understand we may not agree.

whatever you do, do for your mother, for a sense of duty, love, care, compassion. If you resent helping her to the degree you are really angry, stop helping her.

my sense is you want to help her, but you want her to meet you halfway. this is clearly not going to happen, or it may with lots of arguments, etc. my suggestion is help her your half, and the rest is up to her.

she is making the decision, she is entitled to make her own decisions, and you may have to find a way to live with that. all you can do is what you want to do, what you are capable of doing, what you feel you can manage to do, without resentment, without anger or without prejeduice.
it is a shame, it is awful to see someone suffer and not help themselves.
it is hard.but if you do enough that you can do, thats all you can do and YOU will have no regrets.
welcome to the world of caring for stubborn, stupid, loving, irrational, crazy elderly people

Graces7

As someone of your mother; age group ... I have eaten for breakfast folk who mention eg "sheltered accommodation" when I am very capable of running my own home well according to how I want it run and can run it which may not be as you would run it, .. and knowing many of my health issues cannot be ameliorated I steer clear of drs.

My way and her way.

You sound so annoyed that of course she is not heeding you!

As others have said, let her make the running?make her own choices You are alienating her.

Stand back a little? Making it clear and doing it without rancour that you are there for her if she needs you.

PS most of us are not irrational or stupid or any of the other epithets in the previous post. Just we think differently and have our own ways. Which I assure you are just as good as if not better than anyone else's