lent sister money

ennis81

Looking for a bit of advice please, I lent my sister a significant amount of money over 2 years ago, she also borrowed money off our dad at the same time due to personal issues, she is now in a better position but has made absolutely no mention of repaying the money to either one of us, I recently saw she has made significant home improvements, am I wrong to feel really annoyed about this?I would prefer not to fall out with her as our mam is very sick at the moment, how do I handle this, This year is an expensive one for me and I need my money back, can I also add, my dad recently told me that he lent her money a few years ago that she never repaid either, she is 40, works and has a live in partner btw

petes

Sorry but have you mentioned it? If no one mentions it, it won't get mentioned!

spaceHopper

Yes just say to her you will need the money back as you have a number of bill you need to pay and you've run down your own saving. Make it about needing it back and not wanting it back it gives her less scope to argue.

Xterminator

HI Op

have you ever watched a few episodes of judge judy? the small claims courts are awash with stuff like this. Its not uncommon at all.

To have been a formal loan you need to have given her a agreed sum of money, with an agreement on repayment not a vague pay me back when you have it. Ideally you would need texts and or emails to backup the fact she acknowledges the debt. If there is no deadline for repayment, then the debt never comes due. If none of that applies then it wasn't really a loan, in the legal sense of the word.

the thing is when you are lending to family you don't usually do any of the above things and you give it on trust. And its good to know if the debt is recoverable or not. I would suspect it will not be recoverable.

So my advice is to meet your sister alone for a coffee and say out straight that you are delighted she seems to be getting back on your feet, and could she agree some form of repayment schedule. if she doesn't have it upfront no bother, x amount a week or month would be great, electronic transfer or cheque or any other form that cash payment is preferable, but if it has to be cash, keep a log and give receipts.

You have a better idea than strangers as to your sisters character, and if she is likely to agree to repay the 'loans' .

ennis81

I asked her to start repaying back in Sept but she has not made any repayments, my dad lent her a significant amount when she bought her apartment, I assumed over the years she paid this back but he recently told me she didn't. I would have been v close to my sister until recently and am a bit shocked by her behavior to be honest

ManOfMystery

ennis81 wrote: »

I asked her to start repaying back in Sept but she has not made any repayments, my dad lent her a significant amount when she bought her apartment, I assumed over the years she paid this back but he recently told me she didn't. I would have been v close to my sister until recently and am a bit shocked by her behavior to be honest

I've seen numerous posts like this and unfortunately there are people out there (including family members) who will always take advantage of generosity. And either not pay you back, or drag it out for so long that it becomes a pain in the neck.

And strangely, it's often the lender who feels embarrassed to ask for it - rather than the person who took it and owes the money.

I would approach your sister again but be extremely firm and concise with her. Rather than any vague mention of repaying back this month or that month, tell her you need the money asap and ask her exactly what date the repayments will start. And don't let her fob you off until you get an answer. She has then committed to a firm date, and if the repayments don't start on that date, chase it up with her. You really can't give people like this any room to budge or they will take advantage of it.

LegacyUser

ennis81 wrote: »

I asked her to start repaying back in Sept but she has not made any repayments, my dad lent her a significant amount when she bought her apartment, I assumed over the years she paid this back but he recently told me she didn't. I would have been v close to my sister until recently and am a bit shocked by her behavior to be honest

You'll just have to be more forceful OP. Both my mum and I loaned my brother money a few years back and while we both gave it as a loan not a gift my mum caved and told him he didn't need to repay her and he wrongly assumed he didn't have to pay me back either. I corrected him on this. He was shocked to say the least but I got my money back and we got over it and are still close. People often don't feel as pressured to repay family as they would a bank or other 3rd party. Think you just need to make it clear she needs to start repaying that money to you.

ennis81

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I've seen numerous posts like this and unfortunately there are people out there (including family members) who will always take advantage of generosity. And either not pay you back, or drag it out for so long that it becomes a pain in the neck.

And strangely, it's often the lender who feels embarrassed to ask for it - rather than the person who took it and owes the money.

I would approach your sister again but be extremely firm and concise with her. Rather than any vague mention of repaying back this month or that month, tell her you need the money asap and ask her exactly what date the repayments will start. And don't let her fob you off until you get an answer. She has then committed to a firm date, and if the repayments don't start on that date, chase it up with her. You really can't give people like this any room to budge or they will take advantage of it.

Thanks I will do this and you are totally right I am really annoyed because she HAS embarrassed me into having to ask for it back, I HATE asking for money back, I suppose I hate to think badly of her but in all honesty its not the first time she has taken advantage of me

Xterminator

Hi OP

With the information in your update, (that she has done this to another family member), and that you have already asked before, and she didn't take the opportunity to at least start to repay you, i think you also need to think about what you are going to do if you do not get your money back.

It is likely she isnt going to pay you back, and would like you to forget about it. Are you willing to do this. Who in the family will support you. What will happen at family events in the future?

Because the last thing you want to happen is that you are cast as the 'bad' person and ostracised. have a strategy, get family members onside, and dont be baited into doing or saying something that make you the bad guy!

Neyite

Be direct and to the point. Like ripping a band aid off you'll feel better when it's done. You shouldn't feel embarrassed. If you feel it's better done in a text then do that. Don't apologise or justify it, you need it back and you can ask nicely but in a firm way. I'd probably send something like this:

"Hi, We need to talk about the money I lent you, I need it back please. I mentioned it back in September to you and you haven't made any attempt to repay me and tbh, sis, it feels like you are prioritising home improvements over your relationship with me and I find that hurtful.

I was very glad to be in a position to offer you help at the time when you needed it and I'm glad for you that you are in a better financial position now. Now though, I need my money returned so it would be great if you could repay it as soon as possible. Maybe you could take out a credit union loan?"

hawley

I think you could just send her a text saying "Will you pay me back the money I lent you?". If she replies that she will, you can ask her to set up a direct debit for fortnightly or monthly payments to your account. If she doesn't reply to your message, I think you can write off the money.

wiggle16

There are a lot of people who unilaterally decide that a loan they've been given is a gift and need not be paid back. The majority of people will repay a loan without any prompting, because they value their relationship with the person who lended it. So she hasn't just forgotten about it, she's decided she'd rather not pay it back if you don't look for it, so you need to be firmer about it. Neyite's wording is perfect, I would send her that more or less verbatim.

Markcheese

If you leave it slide you loose your sister and your money , ( you'll be annoyed she hasn't payed you back ,and she'll probably avoid you )
If you politely,but firmly request your money you likely get your cash ,and get back on track with your sis..

Dog day

Hi OP, loans between friends (or in this case family) can cause such embarrassment & I really feel for you, it’s not a pleasant situation you find yourself in. It’s really unfair & unfortunate that your sister has placed you in a position of having to ask for your own money back.

I’d advise against texting her & instead just have a direct conversation based on you needing it back. Texts can often lose ‘tone’ & I’m sure you don’t want to get into a ‘back & forth’ on this or indeed to be ignored.

I’d be to the point when speaking to her but wouldn’t reference what she’s currently spending her money on ie. home improvements etc. With a conversation like this it’s best to simply keep it short, high level & from your point of view ie. you need the loan repaid in full by ‘X’ date.

I’d also advise against mentioning anything to her about loans she’s previously received from your Dad. You stated that you used to be closer to her which obviously intimates that your relationship has changed but doesn’t expressly state the reason for this, I’d avoid any references which could lead to an emotional & upsetting interaction. Easier said than done with family I know!

Just to also say I’m really sorry to hear your Mam is sick, that’s another stress.

Best of luck & hope your sister does the right thing!

Paulramone66

Lending significant amounts of money to family and friends is a bad idea unless you have a legal contract or security.
I would write her A letter making it clear you expect repayments unless she can offer you an explanation
If she doesn't respond-would write a second time and make clear that unless she respond you dont want anything to do with her

Then your only option is a solicitors letter

valoren

Ask her to meet you in person. Ask her out straight when you will be getting your money back. Be civil and polite. When you get the inevitable excuses or get fobbed off hand over a print off detailing a basic loan calculator. For example, a personal loan with AIB for €2,000 over 60 months would be €41 per month. Remind her that the money was not a gift, that you fully expected repayment and you'll be needing your money returned to cover planned expenses. Tell here you'd like her to go about going the personal loan route as you would be repaid in full and she will have a minimal outgoing every month to repay the loan. She's 40. Tell her surely she can scramble 40 quid a month together. Don't fall for the "I'll give you 50 a month" fob off. Be explicit and say you need the whole amount. Say you want a clean slate so it's better for her to go the official route. Expect to not be entertained and expect it to result in a rift between you both. Paying you back will be setting a precedence and she'll not want to pay you back as your dad might come looking as well as others she might have borrowed from. You were generous enough to help her and rational enough to suggest an easy way to resolve it now that she's back on her feet. Say you'll give her a week to sort it out and after the week is up, after you inevitably hear nothing, tell her you will reluctantly need to contact a solicitor and small claims court to get repayment. That, if anything, will prompt her to pony up.

hawley

valoren wrote: »

Ask her to meet you in person. Ask her out straight when you will be getting your money back. Be civil and polite. When you get the inevitable excuses or get fobbed off hand over a print off detailing a basic loan calculator. For example, a personal loan with AIB for €2,000 over 60 months would be €41 per month. Remind her that the money was not a gift, that you fully expected repayment and you'll be needing your money returned to cover planned expenses. Tell here you'd like her to go about going the personal loan route as you would be repaid in full and she will have a minimal outgoing every month to repay the loan. She's 40. Tell her surely she can scramble 40 quid a month together. Don't fall for the "I'll give you 50 a month" fob off. Be explicit and say you need the whole amount. Say you want a clean slate so it's better for her to go the official route. Expect to not be entertained and expect it to result in a rift between you both. Paying you back will be setting a precedence and she'll not want to pay you back as your dad might come looking as well as others she might have borrowed from. You were generous enough to help her and rational enough to suggest an easy way to resolve it now that she's back on her feet. Say you'll give her a week to sort it out and after the week is up, after you inevitably hear nothing, tell her you will reluctantly need to contact a solicitor and small claims court to get repayment. That, if anything, will prompt her to pony up.

OP said that she doesn't want to fall out with her as their mum is ill at the moment.

qwerty13

I absolutely hate emotional blackmail, but tbh I’d use it in this situation.

I would definitely not mention what she’s spent your money on / what she continues to spend money on, like home improvements - that just gives her the opportunity to focus on that, and attempt to ‘justify’ that.

Equally, I wouldn’t focus on how she can repay you, ie standing order for x amount, or a loan. That just offers her another way to wriggle out, eg “oh I tried to get a loan and they said no, poor me, I can’t repay you then”.

I would tell her that you were happy to loan her the money when she needed it, but that you really really need it back now. Urgently. Invent a reason if you have to. Tell her that you desperately need it if you have to. Make it sound urgent and non-negotiable.

I would actually keep at her, saying that I was sorry to do so, but you really need the money so soon. And when can you have it (as in ALL of it). It’s up to her to work out how to deliver it then.

And if she acts ‘upset’ at this, then I’d absolutely lie my ass off and have an equally compelling reason to say why you need the money now.

joeguevara

She knows she has done wrong. She is trying to get away with it.

Decide if the money is worth your mental health. If it is don’t give her power by asking to meet her or messaging showing you are upset. Go to her when you know she is there. Demand your money. Make sure she gives you money there and then and don’t let her fob you off. If she pleads poor mouth, say she can sell tv, car, jewellery.

Honestly I have seen how family (not mine) can manipulate when money is owed. Be stern and show her who is boss. Don’t give her any power.