What do I do? Completely lost and suddenly homeless

Flinched

I had to leave my home late last night / early this morning with my teenage daughter. We've been living with my parents. It's gotten strained over the last while and last night things took a nasty turn and some ugly things were said.

I was abused by a neighbour as a child. I kept it to myself until a few years ago. Then when I was in my twenties I was raped by someone I went out with. I ended up pregnant but never told anyone how it came about. I kept the baby and she's been the light of my life. The only good thing to have happened me. A few years ago I finally thought I was telling my mother what had happened to me all those years ago but it turned out that she already knew and said "well I told you not to go in there". She also during that conversation guessed about the rape and told me not to tell anyone because it would upset my father. I eventually ended up with severe depression. I took an overdose and they screamed at me...called me a selfish b;tch. My dad drove me to the hospital and shouted at me all the way there about what a waste of space I was. I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric unit.

Last night it blew up because I was trying to get my daughter to put her phone down and go to bed and she went in to sit with my mother in her room. I called her to come out. It got nasty very quickly. My mother shouting about me blaming her for everything. She brought up the abuse stuff. She said I had made all the stuff about the abuse up when I was in hospital that I didn't know what had happened to me when I was a kid and I was just telling stories now. Then she started saying that plenty of people had dealt with the same thing and just got on with their lives including her. But I hadn't brought it up...she had. She said everything was my fault because I blamed her for how bad my life is. That the hospital and my therapist had filled my head with selfishness. My daughter is also suffering with mental health issues and has just been diagnosed. I've been so stressed trying to deal with her and get her help and to get her to stay in school that I've been keeping my distance from my mother because I couldn't handle her too.

The thing is I hadn't thought I was doing too badly with my life despite everything. I worked hard at school to get a good leaving cert and got a degree while working in a supermarket and got a job after. I was working when I got pregnant but in the aftermath of the whole thing I ended up out of work as I spent most of the pregnancy hiding in my room afraid the dad would find out about it and try to be involved with the baby. After my daughter started in school I went back to college to study primary school teaching and am working at that now. But last night my dad was shouting at me telling me not to dare blame my mother for my life (I hadn't) and that I'd made nothing of my life and made a mess of it from the start. I said 2 degrees and having a job now wasn't bad and he told me that they had got me them for me and I had done nothing. I paid for the second degree myself with a loan. The first one was free fees and I worked while I did it. He kept saying that I had done nothing that it was they who got me them and I was useless and did nothing and my mother started shouting at me about being on the dole - I got lone parents for a while when my daughter was small and back to education allowance during the teaching degree. I was never happy about being on welfare but last night was the first time I felt so ashamed of it. He told me to f*ck off over and over. I had told my mother I needed time to find something I could afford unless she wanted me to sleep in my car. She said that was my problem. She said she was going to have a stroke and that's my fault.

So we left with nothing except my bag and my phone. We spent last night in the car. I've booked into a hotel for tonight but we cant check in till 4. I don't know where to go from here. We left everything behind. I can afford to rent maybe a one bedroom flat but I don't know where I can get a deposit or where to stay till we get something. I don't even have clothes to wear to work tomorrow. Theres no one I can go to for help with collecting some my stuff to get by and I can't go back there anyway. I feel like such a waste of space. I've let my daughter down so badly that we're sleeping in a car and that her home life has been so messed up.

Stateofyou

Your parents are abusive pieces of SH*T. Don't ever go back to them or speak to them again. From here on out this is a start to a new and peaceful life. Hold on to that knowledge, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. You're in a very temporary growing pain. Your post... that's actually horrific reading. This isn't your fault, and I get the sense you're a good and strong person. You're absolutely going to land on your feet as you have so many other times. I think this will be a defining moment in your life and your daughter's. You haven't let her down, you just got yourself and herself out of a really abusive situation. So well done to you. Their influence on her would do untold damage-your parents are inhumane and abusive; neither of you deserve to be around that or taking that sh*te. Your daughter will look back on this moment of time and remember your strength in the face of adversity, and how you rose from the ashes. She will take all those lessons of tests in strength from you that you've endured in your life. She will learn how to be strong and a better human being Because of you, and in spite of them.

I'm sorry I've no practical advice, but I've seen other's recommend Women's Aid and see can you get on to social welfare first thing tomorrow. Maybe you can get sorted in a bnb or Airbnb for a bit until you can save or get help from social welfare for a deposit. Let your work know what is happening asap, so they can support you too. Don't go back to your parents house alone to collect your things. Bring another trusted friend or two (even see if the Garda can send someone with you to stand by), some boxes, and grab everything in one go so you never have to return.

You've got this, it will be okay. This is a new beginning, and going forward it will be so much better than the abuse you've been living under.

twill

OP, you've made such a success of your life. You should be so proud of how far you've come, and I think having your horrible, abusive parents out of your life for good will be so good for you and your daughter once you're on your feet again. Never let them make you doubt yourself.

This citizen's information page may be of assistance, but maybe give Women's Aid a call too, as Stateofyou suggested, as you will need help in getting your belongings back in a volatile situation.

Flinched

Thanks, I know you're both right. Hopefully in a while I can look back and see this as a new start but right now I'm just numb and lost. I never thought it would come to this. Last night was the first time I saw the depth of their hatred towards me and I cant understand what I did to them to earn that.

Graces7

Flinched wrote: »

Thanks, I know you're both right. Hopefully in a while I can look back and see this as a new start but right now I'm just numb and lost. I never thought it would come to this. Last night was the first time I saw the depth of their hatred towards me and I cant understand what I did to them to earn that.

You did NOTHING to earn this so get that idea right out of your head. OK? OK! This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Please do as the others here advise.

Blessings and prayers from here..

MissShihTzu

Your parents are nasty, nasty, manipulative, abusive people and you did well in getting out of there. Don't worry that you have nowhere for you and your daughter to sleep just yet. That's a bump in the road which will soon pass.

Did all this take place in front of your child? If it did, that makes it 10 times worse. I would NEVER speak to them or allow my child access to these awful people again. How dare they first undermine your position as a parent, then shout abuse and try to manipulate when they don't get their way? My 7 year old nephew behaves better than these creatures!!

You need some space to think. Have you any access to funds at all? A small credit union loan might help with getting a deposit together. Perhaps the SVP might be able to help too.

Not too much to add, but just want you to know you have my support FWIW. And it WILL work out for you. It will!!

Emme

OP you have been very brave and have done very well in life considering your circumstances. Take the advice given here and I have some more advice.

You haven't heard the last from your parents. If either of them gets sick they will come running to you to move back in and care for them. Under no circumstances do this no matter how bad things are or how much they apologise and what they promise you. It's you and your daughter now. It's important that she sees you respect yourself no matter how bad things are. No contact ever again with your parents.

Good luck with everything.

Flinched

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Did all this take place in front of your child?

Yes. Unfortunately she tried to stand up for me and my dad turned on her shouting at her saying don't you blame your granny. I actually stood in front of her to block him because I was afraid of what he might do. They said I was being over dramatic again. But I remember something he did to me at that age dragging me round the house on the ground by the wrists shouting or when I was younger and he slapped across the face so hard I flew off my stool and wacked my head on the wall. I was scared. But in their eyes I was just trying to manipulate the situation and make them look bad

Emme wrote: »

You haven't heard the last from your parents. If either of them gets sick they will come running to you to move back in and care for them. Under no circumstances do this no matter how bad things are or how much they apologise and what they promise you. It's you and your daughter now. It's important that she sees you respect yourself no matter how bad things are. No contact ever again with your parents.

Good luck with everything.

At this point I just want them out of my life but when the dust settles I know I'm going to feel guilty. The therapist I going to told me something similar. She said after I leave after the first few months I would be so confused by the peace and quiet I'd be very tempted to go back and so to be careful when the time comes.

Stateofyou

Flinched wrote: »

Yes. Unfortunately she tried to stand up for me and my dad turned on her shouting at her saying don't you blame your granny. I actually stood in front of her to block him because I was afraid of what he might do. They said I was being over dramatic again. But I remember something he did to me at that age dragging me round the house on the ground by the wrists shouting or when I was younger and he slapped across the face so hard I flew off my stool and wacked my head on the wall. I was scared. But in their eyes I was just trying to manipulate the situation and make them look bad




At this point I just want them out of my life but when the dust settles I know I'm going to feel guilty. The therapist I going to told me something similar. She said after I leave after the first few months I would be so confused by the peace and quiet I'd be very tempted to go back and so to be careful when the time comes.

I'm glad in a way it's come to a head for you now even though things are very stressful and scary at the moment. Things will settle and you'll get it figured out; living on your own will be so much better than walking on eggshells and being abused.

When the dust settles you may feel some guilt and confusion. But I think you'll mostly feel relief and a sense of safety and hope for your futures. You'll be so proud of yourself for getting you both out of that abuse. You'll have your own home on your own terms and you won't have to take that sh*t ever again. Keep going to your therapist to ensure you work through all the "stuff." If you're on social media, follow toxic family groups (you'll learn you are far from alone in this experience) and look for books about abusive/toxic parents at the library. Do whatever it takes to heal yourself and focus on you and your daughter's mental health now. It will be tough, it always is when leaving toxic family to stand on your own. Many of us (myself included) have walked away too. Eventually, you'll fly and time will heal. Mind yourself and wishing you the best for tomorrow. Just keep taking the next best step.

MissShihTzu

Flinched wrote: »

At this point I just want them out of my life but when the dust settles I know I'm going to feel guilty. The therapist I going to told me something similar. She said after I leave after the first few months I would be so confused by the peace and quiet I'd be very tempted to go back and so to be careful when the time comes.

I know it'll tough, but on NO ACCOUNT should you feel guilty! This is not your fault and the blame is absolutely, totally and squarely with your parents!

Something else occurred to me. Are your parents the type who like to put on a show for the neighbours? Maybe that's why they are trying to deny the horrible abuse that happened to you? I am NOT excusing their reprehensible actions, but trying to find a reason for it.

Stay strong!

lozenges

I'm so sorry! Your parents are vile. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. Under no circumstances would I ever speak to them again and NEVER let them have contact with your daughter.

As others have said would Women's Aid be able to help? Also get in touch with your local county council regarding being put on a housing list as soon as possible.

IndigoStar

You've got some really good advice here already. You have already achieved so much and you should be very proud of how hard you have worked to get there.
It does not seem like it this evening but things will work out for you and your daughter and both of you are better off away from your toxic parents.

Hannibal_Smith

Flinched wrote: »

Yes. Unfortunately she tried to stand up for me and my dad turned on her shouting at her saying don't you blame your granny. I actually stood in front of her to block him because I was afraid of what he might do. They said I was being over dramatic again. But I remember something he did to me at that age dragging me round the house on the ground by the wrists shouting or when I was younger and he slapped across the face so hard I flew off my stool and wacked my head on the wall. I was scared. But in their eyes I was just trying to manipulate the situation and make them look bad




At this point I just want them out of my life but when the dust settles I know I'm going to feel guilty. The therapist I going to told me something similar. She said after I leave after the first few months I would be so confused by the peace and quiet I'd be very tempted to go back and so to be careful when the time comes.

Good for you for leaving. Your parents are so twisted, they f*ck you up and then try and blame it all on you.

Your parents sound absolutely vile. They are sh*t parents. Being your parents does not give them licence to mess with your head.

You have been through enough in your life. You do not have to endure any more. Especially not from that pair. You have no guilt whatsoever to burden yourself with. You are walking away for the safety and mental well being of yourself and your daughter. Its not a decision you wanted to make, its the only decision you're left with.

You've done exceptionally well on any standard, never mind considering whats been thrown at you in your life. From the neighbour, from whoever raped you and from your parents. Enough is enough. Cut out the poison and go live your life. Thats what youve earned.

MissShihTzu

Another thing I thought of, OP. I think someone else mentioned it, but you'll need to go back very soon to get your things. Do it soon before your parents have the 'bright idea' of chucking everything out!

But don't go alone. Get a 'man with a van' (loads of those about - perhaps even on Adverts.ie!) and get the Gards to accompany you in getting your stuff. Try to record it too in case there's any funny business.

Good luck - You've got this!

rainbowtrout

OP, so sorry to hear what happened to you. None of this is your fault. Do not feel guilty for the way your parents have treated you and your daughter. You will need time to work through this but deal with the practical issues first.

Do you have any close friend or relative that could put you both up for a while? Or even your daughter? Just to give you a chance to get back on your feet. As you're a teacher you know how schools work, it might be worth giving your daughter's principal a buzz and let them know what the situation is, no details, just the basics, so they know your daughter has stuff going on in the background.

Also if you have friends that could help to retrieve your belongings from your parents house as soon as possible that would be a start.

Nothing surprises me now

So sorry to read the horrible abuse you've gone through OP.

Have you any siblings that could accommodate you and your daughter and perhaps collect your belongings or as suggested by another poster a trusted friend you could stay with? Do contact women's aid and council as soon as possible for advice on your situation.

You will get through this, you're a strong person to have put up with such despicable parents for years. Never go back or contact them.

Skibunny77

OP some practical suggestions:

Ring your local St Vincent De Paul as a matter of urgency to see if they can offer support.
Register as homeless in your local authority, do not be put off by the paperwork (you may need to collect belongings to complete application), assistance with Hap etc will be possible and even a deposit if you qualify for their support.
I have known parish offices to provide limited support for cases such as yours.
If you are linked to a social worker through your community or hospital, contact them. If you aren't, try and link in with your primary care social worker.
If you have anyone in your life who could offer a loan, now is the time to check in with them. Your credit union or bank might agree to secure a small personal loan to get you on your feet, particularly if you are a qualified teacher.
All of this takes time and work. Look for a cheap Air b and b to give yourself breathing room.

JuneMoon7

What you have experienced is the reason why so many victims of abuse are afraid to confide in a family member; a lot of the time the family member will accuse them of trying to turn their lives upside down, or even worse, of lying. Its an awful thing to experience, not being believed. The other thing is your parents seem to be almost jealous of what you have achieved, and turn all of it on its head by saying you've achieved nothing. Social welfare is nothing to be ashamed of; if you have contributed to welfare amongst other things by formerly paying your taxes, then why shouldn't you be entitled to something back when you fall on bad times? its not like you enjoyed being on the dole. Very few people do, and the few that do give the rest who are truly in need a bad name. I hope things work out for you, im sure with your teaching salary you could afford a little one bed apartment somewhere with a fold out bed in the main room? just until you get back on your feet..i know rents for even one beds are ridiculously expensive..its so unfair to find yourself homeless.

Flinched

Thanks for all the replies. It makes a huge difference to hear that I'm not in the wrong (for a change). It's so strange for me.

It's been a long day and I'm completely shattered. When I collected my daughter after school she was crying. She wants to go home. She misses my parents and her dog and her room. I feel so sad for her. I also feel guilty that if we find some where to rent we probably won't be able to bring the dog either. It's tough and lonely. My brothers and their wives know we left and how because one of them rang my daughter yesterday to see where she was. He didn't ring me which is telling. None of them have checked to see if we're ok. Actually I don't really mind if they're not worried about me but they all always go on about how much they care about her. So I think we're going to be cut out. Its heartbreaking for both of us. I have nieces and nephews we both adore.

I got in touch with Focus Ireland yesterday and they rang back this morning. They said because my daughter is 17 and we slept rough on Saturday that they have to do a child protection assessment. They said it will be fine and that it's just something they have to do but it was a horrible feeling to hear that. She recommended, like some of the replies here, go into the homeless service of my local council. So I went in after work today. I think I might be over the limit for the housing list, HAP and assistance. I have to go back tomorrow with pay slips to find out. He said that after tax I might scrape under. Either way the person from Focus Ireland said she'd ring me tomorrow after and advised me more about what the council say.

I know it was probably not a good idea but I went back to the house because I needed clothes and our birthcerts and passports. I dont have anyone who I could ask to help. it turned out ok. They stayed in the kitchen and I didn't see or speak to them. I took enough stuff that I won't need to go back again until I have somewhere to live and I can get my belongings that are still there. I left my key in the table so I can feel like I've actually left and that it's not my home any more. I got a few things sentimental to me too - my nan's necklace and my daughters baby book.

rainbowtrout

It's good that you are doing relatively ok despite all that happening to you. I can't believe that none of your brothers have offered to help, not even to help your daughter. While that is awful to experience, at least you know where you stand.

Getting all the necessary paperwork done to get you on a housing list/ into emergency accommodation should probably be your priority for now. Do you have any friends that could let you stay for even a few nights?

cannotlogin

I can't give you any practical advice in terms of housing etc. but even in the current situation that you and your daughter are struggling with, it's a million times better than the toxic situation you just left.

Flinched

JuneMoon7 wrote: »

What you have experienced is the reason why so many victims of abuse are afraid to confide in a family member; a lot of the time the family member will accuse them of trying to turn their lives upside down, or even worse, of lying. Its an awful thing to experience, not being believed. .

The thing is she believed me before, or said she did, then on Saturday night she came out with all that stuff. My head is twisted with it all.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Getting all the necessary paperwork done to get you on a housing list/ into emergency accommodation should probably be your priority for now. Do you have any friends that could let you stay for even a few nights?

No I only really had a couple of good friends. One moved abroad and the other I kind of drifted away from. When I was in the height of the depression a few years ago I isolated myself from everyone and I've never gotten back to having friends or a social life.

rainbowtrout

Flinched wrote: »

The thing is she believed me before, or said she did, then on Saturday night she came out with all that stuff. My head is twisted with it all.

There are deeper issues with your parents, not to belittle in any way their denial of anything that happened to you, but when they are also belittling your achievements in life. You know what happened to you and you know what you achieved, they can't take that knowledge away from you. You've achieved in spite of them and you will be able get yourself out of this situation.

It might not be the most appropriate, but do you have any friends on staff where you work that might be able to give you a dig out short term?

Flinched wrote: »

No I only really had a couple of good friends. One moved abroad and the other I kind of drifted away from. When I was in the height of the depression a few years ago I isolated myself from everyone and I've never gotten back to having friends or a social life.

Is it worth giving the second friend a call, explain what has happened, if you were good friends she might be willing to help. If you don't want to contact her, that's completely understandable.

Stateofyou

Flinched wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. It makes a huge difference to hear that I'm not in the wrong (for a change). It's so strange for me.

It's been a long day and I'm completely shattered. When I collected my daughter after school she was crying. She wants to go home. She misses my parents and her dog and her room. I feel so sad for her. I also feel guilty that if we find some where to rent we probably won't be able to bring the dog either. It's tough and lonely. My brothers and their wives know we left and how because one of them rang my daughter yesterday to see where she was. He didn't ring me which is telling. None of them have checked to see if we're ok. Actually I don't really mind if they're not worried about me but they all always go on about how much they care about her. So I think we're going to be cut out. Its heartbreaking for both of us. I have nieces and nephews we both adore.

I got in touch with Focus Ireland yesterday and they rang back this morning. They said because my daughter is 17 and we slept rough on Saturday that they have to do a child protection assessment. They said it will be fine and that it's just something they have to do but it was a horrible feeling to hear that. She recommended, like some of the replies here, go into the homeless service of my local council. So I went in after work today. I think I might be over the limit for the housing list, HAP and assistance. I have to go back tomorrow with pay slips to find out. He said that after tax I might scrape under. Either way the person from Focus Ireland said she'd ring me tomorrow after and advised me more about what the council say.

I know it was probably not a good idea but I went back to the house because I needed clothes and our birthcerts and passports. I dont have anyone who I could ask to help. it turned out ok. They stayed in the kitchen and I didn't see or speak to them. I took enough stuff that I won't need to go back again until I have somewhere to live and I can get my belongings that are still there. I left my key in the table so I can feel like I've actually left and that it's not my home any more. I got a few things sentimental to me too - my nan's necklace and my daughters baby book.

Sorry you and your daughter are going through such a tough time. This is the roughest it will be, and there's going to be lots of lines drawn and seeing where people stand and big feelings coming to the surface. Focus on you and your daughter and getting yourselves stable, and then eventually you will begin to build your own family network. Family isn't always the one you came from. And when you're outside of that abuse and healing, you'll feel more emotionally available to reach out to those around you and build those relationships. You'll have people around you who will build you up instead of tearing you down. I hope for now it's enough light at the end of the tunnel to keep you going.

Can you say where you might be looking for a place to live? Like the perimeter or the furthest areas you can commute to/from? I might have a solution for you if it's in any way convenient to your location. <mod snip> Keep hanging in there, bit by bit this will get sorted.

JuneMoon7

Flinched wrote: »

The thing is she believed me before, or said she did, then on Saturday night she came out with all that stuff. My head is twisted with it all.



No I only really had a couple of good friends. One moved abroad and the other I kind of drifted away from. When I was in the height of the depression a few years ago I isolated myself from everyone and I've never gotten back to having friends or a social life.

Some parents can be mental torture; manipulative, contradictory, saying crazy things just to upset you. I have experience with this, unfortunately. It is enough to drive you crazy. If you cant have faith in your own family, it leaves you very lonely and lost.

Flinched

Thanks again for all the advice. Today was a bad day. My daughter is not really talking to me. She says she blames me that we don't have a roof over our heads and she wants to go home. I know she is considering going back by herself. Maybe she'd be better off. It's me they have the problem with not her. Everyone is always telling me I'm the problem so maybe they're right. If I'm not there messing everything up maybe things would be better for her.

I went back to the homeless service today and the man there said there wasn't much he could do because my pay is over the limit for the housing list, and if I'm not on the housing list they cant help. He said I have to find a way to prove that I won't get paid for the summer this year or the midterms and Easter and the weeks without pay will put me under the threshold. At that it will take about 5 weeks to process when I get whatever proof I can. Until then all they can do is give me a number to ring each night for a room where we go in at night and leave in the morning (the person I spoke to yesterday was saying that they're not really a place I would want to be bringing my daughter). The man today had a bit of a go at me for sleeping in the car with a child. He also wanted my parents phone number because they have to ring them. So I said no to that...if it means involving them I'll have to find some other way to manage.

Stateofyou wrote: »

Can you say where you might be looking for a place to live? Like the perimeter or the furthest areas you can commute to/from? I might have a solution for you if it's in any way convenient to your location. Feel free to PM me if you prefer. Keep hanging in there, bit by bit this will get sorted.

I work in Dublin on the Northside and my daughter is in school nearby. I was looking at places in the north county and could probably manage to commute from Balbriggan or even a bit further out into Meath or Louth.

Stateofyou

Flinched wrote: »

Thanks again for all the advice. Today was a bad day. My daughter is not really talking to me. She says she blames me that we don't have a roof over our heads and she wants to go home. I know she is considering going back by herself. Maybe she'd be better off. It's me they have the problem with not her. Everyone is always telling me I'm the problem so maybe they're right. If I'm not there messing everything up maybe things would be better for her.

I went back to the homeless service today and the man there said there wasn't much he could do because my pay is over the limit for the housing list, and if I'm not on the housing list they cant help. He said I have to find a way to prove that I won't get paid for the summer this year or the midterms and Easter and the weeks without pay will put me under the threshold. At that it will take about 5 weeks to process when I get whatever proof I can. Until then all they can do is give me a number to ring each night for a room where we go in at night and leave in the morning (the person I spoke to yesterday was saying that they're not really a place I would want to be bringing my daughter). The man today had a bit of a go at me for sleeping in the car with a child. He also wanted my parents phone number because they have to ring them. So I said no to that...if it means involving them I'll have to find some other way to manage.





I work in Dublin on the Northside and my daughter is in school nearby. I was looking at places in the north county and could probably manage to commute from Balbriggan or even a bit further out into Meath or Louth.

I think your daughter's reaction to all this is normal, and you're going to be a safe person for her to put her feelings on to. She's 17 and right now her world probably revolves around friends, her interests, and of course school. The instability is no doubt scary and very unsettling for her. She doesn't have the emotional maturity that you do to see that she would be going back into the flames so to speak. That's why it's our job as parents to make tough decisions that is for the best, even when they don't agree or makes them upset. Please don't ever think she's better off without you. She's not - you're the only emotionally stable and good person in her life and she needs your influence, not theirs. If she were to go back, the likelihood that they will badmouth you to try and make themselves look better is no doubt extremely high. They might triangulate her against you and it could end up breaking your relationship. Tread very carefully here... Remember, you actually had to step in between your dad and daughter before you left. What are they capable of when a teenager tests them? Like what happened to you when you were a child? I wouldn't let her anywhere near them for her own good.

Something tells me "everyone is always telling you" isn't the case at all - it's just your toxic parents getting in your head and messing with it. They're not right, and neither are your worst thoughts which are sabotaging you right now. If THEY didn't mess things up for both of you, things would have been better for her. That's not love, and they obviously don't care about what they do or say in front of her. They sound dangerous, tbh.

F that man who had a go at you. What is wrong with this country - THIS is a perfect example of how we need to look after each other and have services in place. :mad: Have you spoken with women's aid yet? Social welfare? Can you look for a cheap b&b that could float you for the next 5 weeks while you presumably can get them proof they need (your contract or letter from principle should do?)
I'm not sure my idea will work for you, but I'll pm you anyway and let you decide. Hope others have some practical advice too. One more thought-could you reach out to your siblings and see if you could land there for a while? I think it's crap they haven't taken you under their wing yet but maybe put that to one side and just see can they help out? Hang in there, I'll pm you now!

woodchuck

Mod note:

OP, please do not engage in a PM exchange with posters offering advice on this forum. 

Stateofyou, your offer of PM advice though well meaning is strictly forbidden in the forum for the reasons outlined in the charter. 

Stateofyou

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

OP, please do not engage in a PM exchange with posters offering advice on this forum. 

Stateofyou, your offer of PM advice though well meaning is strictly forbidden in the forum for the reasons outlined in the charter. 

It's not advice.

Flinched

She went back to see my parents on her lunch break today. I got a text from her when I was in work that my mother said I could go back. When I picked her up from school I could feel the hostility off her. I asked her what happened when she went home and at first she said nothing happened. Then she said my mother told her she would always have a home there and that I would too. I told her over the last few days that even if I was "allowed" to go home that I couldn't ever go back there again. She said the counsellor in her school wants to talk to me. I wanted to know why. She says it's to tell me that it's a ridiculous idea to move out of Dublin and she wasn't going (. I told her that for now she was still only 17 and that it was my decision. She said she's sick of me playing the victim and that she was going home. She got out of the car and said she wanted her laptop so I locked the car to stop her taking it out of the boot and told her to get back in the car but she told me to where to go and walked off towards the house. I can't physically force her to stay with me. So she is back with my parents and I'm sitting alone not knowing what to do. She rang to say I could come back and wants me to give her things. I told her again that I wasn't going to go back there. That I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like that again. So she hung up. I know that they're telling her that I'm choosing this and she thinks that I'm leaving her.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear whats happened with your daughter OP but you were right to stand your ground. Focus on yourself, your daughter might still be a child legally but at 17 you'll find it difficult to tell her what to do and once 18 she is legally an adult. Be there for her if she wants to come to you but don't let your parents get to you through her. You've made a huge step forward leaving your key behind like you did.

I had a friend go through something similar with his ex and his parents, he was trapped in a house with all three of them where everything he did was wrong and he ended up in hospital due to exhaustion. For ages he wouldn't do anything as they had a 5 year old child but he cracked one day and left to go stay with a friend. His mother came and basically guilt tripped him into going back and it was even worse than before. He finally left for good and several years later is married and so much happier. He had to go through the courts for access to his child and was actually given full custody but it was a battle. His relationship with his parents is gone and the one with his child damaged but honestly I'm not sure what would have happened to him had he stayed there.

lozenges

Flinched wrote: »

She went back to see my parents on her lunch break today. I got a text from her when I was in work that my mother said I could go back. When I picked her up from school I could feel the hostility off her. I asked her what happened when she went home and at first she said nothing happened. Then she said my mother told her she would always have a home there and that I would too. I told her over the last few days that even if I was "allowed" to go home that I couldn't ever go back there again. She said the counsellor in her school wants to talk to me. I wanted to know why. She says it's to tell me that it's a ridiculous idea to move out of Dublin and she wasn't going (. I told her that for now she was still only 17 and that it was my decision. She said she's sick of me playing the victim and that she was going home. She got out of the car and said she wanted her laptop so I locked the car to stop her taking it out of the boot and told her to get back in the car but she told me to where to go and walked off towards the house. I can't physically force her to stay with me. So she is back with my parents and I'm sitting alone not knowing what to do. She rang to say I could come back and wants me to give her things. I told her again that I wasn't going to go back there. That I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like that again. So she hung up. I know that they're telling her that I'm choosing this and she thinks that I'm leaving her.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Re your daughter - I would stick to your guns and whatever you do don't go back to your parents.
You can't force her to come back to you, but tell her that you love her, you would love to have her back with you but that you can't go back to your parents as they have hurt you deeply with unforgivable things they've said (don't specify).
Also reassure her that you will do your best to keep her in the same school.
Hopefully soon she will see why you left and come back of her own accord.

twill

I'm so angry on your behalf and that the abusers are marshalling every resource they can to make it look as if you are the problem. The tactic of making the victim of abuse a pariah is so sadly familiar. Please consider ringing the Women's Aid helpline to see if they can help you with this situation.

Emme

OP your parents behaviour is textbook narcissistic abuse. They are using your daughter to try and "hoover" you back so they can abuse you both again. Another poster gave excellent advice to contact Women's Aid. If a partner treated somebody the way your parents treated you both it would rightfully be considered abuse. Tell them how you were abused by the neighbour as a child and how your parents reacted when you told them.

Unfortunately your daughter is too young to realise that she is being used by your parents. They probably never expected you to leave (just grovel instead). Now they know you and your daughter are looking for another place to stay they may be terrified that the authorities might hold them accountable for the welfare of a 17 year old child. They will also use this time to badmouth you to your daughter. This is how narcissistic abusers operate.

Keep looking for a place for you both. Even if your daughter stays with them for the time being their mask will eventually slip and she will be subjected to the same narcissistic abuse you suffered all your life. She will be glad to be able to go back to you sooner if not later. At the moment she is a pawn if not another scapegoat for your parents.

Good luck.

Check out the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) website for information on narcissistic families.

Dog day

Hi OP, I’ve been following this thread & see you’ve received some practical & emotionally supportive advice already.

I just wanted to commend you on your bravery in trying to protect yourself & your daughter from an unliveable environment. At the moment she’s simply too young to see the bigger picture here.

Please have pride in the person you are & the things you’ve achieved. I can guarantee you that you’re even stronger than you think you are, years of being put down can have horrendous effects on self esteem.

You’ve come so far, recognise that.

Wishing yourself & your daughter a healthy, happy & secure future. You’ve already taken that first huge step & in time your daughter will see that.

Whitecarstones

Was your neighbour a serial abuser? Did everyone just cover it up because they did not want to be shamed? As a result, those turning a blind eye, like your mother are instrumental in that abuse. This is very close to home for me.

You sound like an amazing hard working person. And a great mother. It is your parents that seem to be the instigators.

You made the best decision getting away from them. I hope things work out for you. And hey... go get some counselling. You sound like you need and deserve it.

Big hugs

Flinched

Whitecarstones wrote: »

Was your neighbour a serial abuser? Did everyone just cover it up because they did not want to be shamed? As a result, those turning a blind eye, like your mother are instrumental in that abuse. This is very close to home for me.

You sound like an amazing hard working person. And a great mother. It is your parents that seem to be the instigators.

You made the best decision getting away from them. I hope things work out for you. And hey... go get some counselling. You sound like you need and deserve it.

Big hugs

I know for definite that there were 2 others. But I only found that out a few years ago. I always thought that I was the only one. I have suspicions about another of his younger relatives who committed suicide in their 20s. He was an older man at the time in his 70s - and I was 5 and I wouldn't like to say how I know that for definite because the memory of that conversation with him is disturbing for me. He died when I was around 16. He was a real pillar of the community type, religious always at mass and fluent Irish speaker. My mother had said that when I was 5 I said something to her about how the skin on his belly was really soft and she said that she told me never to go into that house again. But all the kids on the road used to play together and we were in and out of each other's houses all the time for years after so she knew I was still going into that house. She used to send me in herself for things. But on Saturday she just came out and said I'd made it up when before she always acted like she believed me.

I collected my daughter from school again today. She wants to know why she can't live with them and not have to move. She said I'm choosing this because I could just come home because her nanny says I can and her nanny is really upset over it. So as I knew would happen she's telling her this is my choice and I could just come home and everything would be fine. She wants to know why I can't just let her live with them if I want to move out. I feel like my mother has gotten everything she wanted. When my daughter was a baby she used to tell people that she thought of my daughter as hers and me as just her sister. She seemed to love telling people because she'd have a big smile on her face and she had to know how crap it made me feel.

I'm sure if she saw what I've been putting up here she'd say I was making it up and playing the victim like I always do. Even my brothers tease me about feeling sorry for myself and acting the victim if I say anything negative about our childhoods. It's kind of a family joke now. At the back if my mind I think all the stuff I've been posting here is just me whining again. I know they would say I am being unreasonable and over dramatic.

KiKi III

OP, what's your daughter's plan once she finishes school? Would she have been moving out to go to college, or staying there?

I think you need to sit down with her and explain that for your own mental health you can't go back. Remind her of how your grandparents behaved during the fight. Tell her you would rather she come with you, but that you respect her decision if she wants to stay there ven though you'd rather she didn't. Tell her she can change her mind any time, day or night.

Bobtheman

Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

Flinched

Bobtheman wrote: »

Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

That's very generous and kind of you but I wouldn't be able to take money from anyone. Thank you so much for the offer though.

Hannibal_Smith

Flinched, it sounds as if you're almost apologising for talking about it or feeling guilty in some way. And i get that, I really do, but its misplaced. You have nothing to be apologetic about.

You know in your own head, you cant go back to that house. But its a lot for a 17 year old to take. The fight. The sudden move. All she wants is her life to go back to the way it was. It must be hard for her going into school everyday, with all this weighing on her. I dont think what she wants is a mark against you, its just a cry for things to go back to the normality she knows.

At the same time everyone seems to be borrowing from your trauma. It's like a ripple effect and it has to feel theyre all taking a piece of what happened to you and making it their own. What happened to you was awful and you have a right to feel however you do about it, without anyone throwing their tuppence worth.

I wonder when you say your mum told you about a description of your neighbour and she said to not go in the house, did you feel or say to your mum she should have taken action then? Is that where your mother's anger is coming from? She can't process what happened to you let alone accept she could/should have done something?

Either way, she is some woman to be fighting with you over it. At some point she should have stepped up, even to you, and been a mum.

Could you explain it to your daughter in a way she would understand?

treascon

Bobtheman wrote: »

Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

That’s very generous of you. If only there were more like you in this world! OP I have no advice to offer but I really hope things work out for you. What a horrible situation your family have put you in! Shame on them.

Flinched

Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me advice. After my daughter went home on Wednesday I slept in my car Wednesday and Thursday night. On Friday evening I collected her to go to a class she does outside school and she said she couldn't go because she was having a panic attack so I took her for a drive instead. She handed me a key that her nan asked her to give me and I explained to her again that I couldn't go back. Her head is all over the place. I told her I would never make her choose between her grandparents and me. That she would always have me. That I didn't want her to get involved or take sides. But she keeps telling me what her granny says and why I'm wrong.

But then my brother rang to say he'd be coming to visit with his family. He hadn't heard what had happened. He sounded a bit annoyed at me for sleeping in my car. He rang me back a few minutes later to say that he had talked to my dad and that I could go home and stay in my room and they wouldn't come near me. I was just so tired and confused I didnt know what to do so I said ok.

So I am at home in my room. My daughters not talking to me because I went home after my brother talked to me. My parents and my brothers are all downstairs pretending I don't exist and I'm in my room feeling like I'm hiding. So I'm back to square one after everything. After being sure that this time I would definitely not go back.

Hannibal_Smith

After 2 nights sleeping in my car, I'd be biting the hand off anyone for a bed for the night!

The others are possibly giving you space, lest you go again.

If you have to stay there, you could use it as time to save for a deposit for a place of your own.

rainbowtrout

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

After 2 nights sleeping in my car, I'd be biting the hand off anyone for a bed for the night!

The others are possibly giving you space, lest you go again.

If you have to stay there, you could use it as time to save for a deposit for a place of your own.

I was just about to post this. OP, stay out of their way as much as possible. You said your daughter is 17. Is she in Leaving Cert? Maybe save as much as possible for the next few months to get a deposit together, and when she's done with school move out.

Sunrise_Sunset

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a narcissistic parent and I empathise with you.
If you are back then now is the time to save up that deposit for a place of your own asap.

woodchuck

Bobtheman wrote: »

Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

Mod note:

Bobtheman, your offer of a PM, though well meaning, is strictly forbidden in the forum for the reasons outlined in the charter. 

OP, please do not engage in a PM exchange with posters offering advice on this forum. 

rapul

Setup a gofund me page and put the link up here perhaps, I would also like to help you towards a deposit, I assume the mods would have no problem with that, I hope

shesty

OP, you know that stuff your mother used to say about your daughter being hers and that...that is not normal.
Does your daughter know why you are rowing with your parents?Or does she just know you are having a row?If you can manage it maybe save like mad and try to get a deposit together over the next couple of months.Like others I would echo getting out as fast as possible, but I can see that is very complicated for you.
It makes me sad that our country is such a hard place to live in when you need somewhere of your own like this.

Jenneke87

+1 for the link, I like to help too boards a deposit.

Emme

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a narcissistic parent and I empathise with you.
If you are back then now is the time to save up that deposit for a place of your own asap.

Sorry to hear the OP went back but I understand too, narcissistic families can be incredibly manipulative. Her brother is playing the role of Flying Monkey. She is between a rock and a hard place especially if her daughter is sitting the LC this year. If the OP is going to stay with her family for the time being she try to use that time to save for a deposit towards a place of her own. No doubt her parents will try and get as much money as possible out of her for the upkeep of them both. It will be their way of trying to stop her leaving.

Narcissists don't want you to leave, they want to grind you down so much you have no self esteem left and you haven't the will to live (sorry, leave). The former could apply as well though. They have to have a Scapegoat to kick around.

OP ask your counsellor if he or she knows about the Gray Rock technique of dealing with narcissistic abuse. Also see if you can get advice on what to do if your parents abuse you or your daughter again.