Deal breakers and turn-off's in dating!

Wibbs

Widdershins wrote: »

Do deal breakers apply to friends?
Or would you be more relaxed and understanding with the habits and attitudes of friends?

Is it just me or is it as if people are a bit perfectionist and unforgiving with people who are potential dating partners ?

For good obvious reasons I would have thought W. You're generally not living with friends, you're not going to end up sharing time, money and other resources and there's zero chance of pregnancy and kids. There's also much lower social expectation with friends. No "relationship timelines" or any of that. Plus friendships are far more likely to start and grow organically. Now while many sexual/romantic relationships can start pretty organically, we've increasingly imported the US "dating" model of relationships and tinder and the like, so there's more pressure and expectation. Hell, some such dates are more like job interviews.

KiKi III

Have any of you/ would any of you use one of the matchmaking services that have sprung up over the last few years?

I’d consider it if I heard good things, but they’re so expensive

Assetbacked

KiKi III wrote: »

Have any of you/ would any of you use one of the matchmaking services that have sprung up over the last few years?

I’d consider it if I heard good things, but they’re so expensive

Somewhat related - did MeetUp turn into an app where mixed activities are no longer possible without a tonne of guys turning up to hit on/be near girls? I used a it a couple times for random enough events just to try different activities and to look for football games but don't recall it being like that. Someone said it recently to me.

Widdershins

Wibbs wrote: »

For good obvious reasons I would have thought W. You're generally not living with friends, you're not going to end up sharing time, money and other resources and there's zero chance of pregnancy and kids. There's also much lower social expectation with friends. No "relationship timelines" or any of that. Plus friendships are far more likely to start and grow organically. Now while many sexual/romantic relationships can start pretty organically, we've increasingly imported the US "dating" model of relationships and tinder and the like, so there's more pressure and expectation. Hell, some such dates are more like job interviews.

True too but maybe something slightly more towards the affectionate tolerance of friendship would help in dating situations. It seems like affectionate married/long term couples are essentially in a very close romantic friendship. Eventually theyre going to do something that'll make you want to grind your teeth to dust so all the checklists and perfectionism (or maybe just high standards) only go so far.

Re. Interview dates. One of mine more or less began with "what is your level of education? Do you own your own home?"

Another man I was whatsapping asked a stream of questions including:
" Do you have any annoying habits?
What's your house like?
How's your personal hygiiene?"

My unspoken question was "Do you actually care if I like you?" . He then mentioned he'd previously been disillusioned with women and joined Grindr. People are strange but some woman spent 8 years of her life with that one and apparently loved him so...there's an old shoe for every old stocking....

Snails pace

KiKi III wrote: »

Have any of you/ would any of you use one of the matchmaking services that have sprung up over the last few years?

I’d consider it if I heard good things, but they’re so expensive

Would you try speed dating ? My cousin met his girlfriend though it. It was speed dating with a twist. They were all cycling and every few minutes they had to cycle onto the next person. Their going out two years

KiKi III

Snails pace wrote: »

Would you try speed dating ? My cousin met his girlfriend though it. It was speed dating with a twist. They were all cycling and every few minutes they had to cycle onto the next person. Their going out two years

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

Johnny Sausage

KiKi III wrote: »

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

I went speed dating before when i lived in England, was a bit of craic tbf

Snails pace

KiKi III wrote: »

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

Sometimes we all have to move out of our comfort zone

KiKi III

Alright, you guys have officially #influenced me. I booked a ticket for one later this month on eventbrite just now.

Ficheall

KiKi III wrote: »

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

Puns intended, I hope??

KiKi III

Ficheall wrote: »

Puns intended, I hope??

Nope

Wibbs

Widdershins wrote: »

He then mentioned he'd previously been disillusioned with women and joined Grindr.

Hang on W.... He got disillusioned with the ladies and reckoned he'd be Gay instead? Da fuk?

lainey_d_123

Princess Calla wrote: »

Every single member of his family is on his case. His mother on her death bed made him promise to learn.

I have never put pressure on him to learn. If he ended up in an accident I'd never forgive myself.

The points I was making just because you can survive happily as a singleton not needing a car doesn't mean you can survive your whole life with that attitude. I do believe it's easier to learn when you are younger.

He's lucky I don't drink, but if you enjoyed a few glasses of wine at dinner or a couple of pints at an event but your whole future is now mapped out as a driver never a drinker it would take its toll.

Yes there are taxis but when you've a few kids hanging out of you and all their "stuff" the game changes.

Resentment isn't the right term, I don't know what is.

However when you know you're the one that will be doing the supermarket shopping each week, you'll be the one in ikea wrangling wardrobes into the car, you'll be the one picking up paint in the hardware, you'll be the one at the kids parties, you'll be the one at football matches, while I actually don't mind doing any of the above knowing he'll never once be able to say you stay at home I'll go or we'll ever be able to split a long car journey is a pain in the hole.

I guess this stuff is more about compatibility and life goals in a wider scope, than about driving.

All those things sound like my worst nightmare. I'd never want to be dragging a trolley plus kids round a supermarket, going round Ikea or ferrying kids to football matches all over the place. I get almost everything I need delivered to my door, I can walk or get public transport to anything I want to do and don't see any reason to change that. It's easier than ever to manage without a car now due to all the taxi/rideshare apps. I find it a bit odd that you think the kind of lifestyle you describe is inevitable.

FWIW the guy I'm dating doesn't drive either, for the same reasons - never had the need to and would rather avoid it for environmental reasons. We're both well into our thirties and have never really felt any kind of need to drive or own a car. Would not say 'never' to possibly learning one day, but it's nowhere near the top of the priority list.

Widdershins

Wibbs wrote: »

Hang on W.... He got disillusioned with the ladies and reckoned he'd be Gay instead? Da fuk?

Not just me, then?

Princess Calla

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I guess this stuff is more about compatibility and life goals in a wider scope, than about driving.

All those things sound like my worst nightmare. I'd never want to be dragging a trolley plus kids round a supermarket, going round Ikea or ferrying kids to football matches all over the place. I get almost everything I need delivered to my door, I can walk or get public transport to anything I want to do and don't see any reason to change that. It's easier than ever to manage without a car now due to all the taxi/rideshare apps. I find it a bit odd that you think the kind of lifestyle you describe is inevitable.

FWIW the guy I'm dating doesn't drive either, for the same reasons - never had the need to and would rather avoid it for environmental reasons. We're both well into our thirties and have never really felt any kind of need to drive or own a car. Would not say 'never' to possibly learning one day, but it's nowhere near the top of the priority list.

I never said that lifestyle is inevitable.

You are quite correct it does depend on lifestyle goals.

I've friends in their late 40's who are married to each other and never learned to drive, they also don't have children.

It really depends on what people want from a relationship.

If you want children and rely on public transport, life becomes very complicated.
You will need a crèche /school within walking distance. The luas is the only transport I've found easy with a pram, trains you can be faced with lifts out of order and needing help carrying pram up and down stairs, fine if the only child you have is in the pram not so much if you have a 3 or 4 year old that also needs help.
Buses you are at the mercy of not another pram on board, also if a wheelchair user needs to get on, you will need to get off.... Pain in the arse if it's pi$$ING down.... If you have a newborn your pram will not be able to fold down.

As children get older hobbies also increase so trying to get from a to b to c on public transport on a weekend is also not without its challenges.

I've already covered what it's like as the driver in a relationship with a non driver. I'll be perfectly honest my biggest issue here is having to go to every single family event, they are lovely people, but you know they are still the in laws!

Obviously if you don't want children all the above is a mute point.

For the record I probably only drive 3-4k kms a year, I haven't been on a plane in 8 years so its not as if I'm leaving a massive carbon footprint because I use a car to make life easier for myself and my family.

KiKi III

As an almost 32 year old who can’t drive, I think everyone should learn. I hope to this year. I live centrally in Dublin and have no plans to buy a car, I think it’s a skill everyone should have.

I think everyone should be able to drive as well

lainey_d_123

Princess Calla wrote: »

I never said that lifestyle is inevitable.

You are quite correct it does depend on lifestyle goals.

I've friends in their late 40's who are married to each other and never learned to drive, they also don't have children.

It really depends on what people want from a relationship.

If you want children and rely on public transport, life becomes very complicated.
You will need a crèche /school within walking distance. The luas is the only transport I've found easy with a pram, trains you can be faced with lifts out of order and needing help carrying pram up and down stairs, fine if the only child you have is in the pram not so much if you have a 3 or 4 year old that also needs help.
Buses you are at the mercy of not another pram on board, also if a wheelchair user needs to get on, you will need to get off.... Pain in the arse if it's pi$$ING down.... If you have a newborn your pram will not be able to fold down.

As children get older hobbies also increase so trying to get from a to b to c on public transport on a weekend is also not without its challenges.

I've already covered what it's like as the driver in a relationship with a non driver. I'll be perfectly honest my biggest issue here is having to go to every single family event, they are lovely people, but you know they are still the in laws!

Obviously if you don't want children all the above is a mute point.

For the record I probably only drive 3-4k kms a year, I haven't been on a plane in 8 years so its not as if I'm leaving a massive carbon footprint because I use a car to make life easier for myself and my family.

Yes, it does depend on if you want kids and even then, where you'll be living. I have loads of friends in London (where I'm looking at jobs) with kids and hardly any of them have a car and a lot of them don't even have a licence. It's just considered normal to either stick to things in your own little area, or take the pram/buggy on public transport. Kids there have more independence from a younger age - secondary kids would be getting themselves to school and back and to their activities. The same with other big cities I've lived in, like New York and Hong Kong. I can see in Dublin it would be more challenging as the public transport isn't as good.

If you don't mind me saying, it seems that the problem with your partner isn't so much that he doesn't drive but more that he takes it for granted that you do it all and doesn't support you much. If I had a partner who drove me around everywhere, I would stay off the drink if they had to (out of solidarity), try to be a good navigator (or at least good company) on long car rides instead of dozing off, and I certainly wouldn't expect them to pay for the car and insurance and petrol out of 'their' own money if the car was used for the whole family.

Hammer89

Johnny Sausage wrote: »

if their bio on tinder etc is any of the following "..." " x " "ask me" "will fill this in later lol"

When their bio is inundated with the fact they have kids as well. I don't know what the opposite of Catfishing somebody is but some of them go a bit OTT in letting potential mates know that they have children. "Hiya me name's Mags. Swipe left if ye can't handle me kids coz I've loads."

Tell me how

Hammer89 wrote: »

When their bio is inundated with the fact they have kids as well. I don't know what the opposite of Catfishing somebody is but some of them go a bit OTT in letting potential mates know that they have children. "Hiya me name's Mags. Swipe left if ye can't handle me kids coz I've loads."

To be fair to them, they're probably sick of wasting a couple of evenings messaging a lad or even going on a first date before breaking the news and seeing them disappear.

KiKi III

Hammer89 wrote: »

When their bio is inundated with the fact they have kids as well. I don't know what the opposite of Catfishing somebody is but some of them go a bit OTT in letting potential mates know that they have children. "Hiya me name's Mags. Swipe left if ye can't handle me kids coz I've loads."

It seems very hard to strike the right balance between too much detail, not enough detail, and details that are so generic as to be meaningless.

Right now mine says: You might be beautiful, but they’re keeping my idea on file. In. A filing. Cabinet.

Because I still think that ad is hilarious and I can’t be arsed putting any more thought into it than that at the moment.

Hammer89

Tell me how wrote: »

To be fair to them, they're probably sick of wasting a couple of evenings messaging a lad or even going on a first date before breaking the news and seeing them disappear.

That's very empathetic and I agree.

Church on Tuesday

Hammer89 wrote: »

That's very empathetic and I agree.

Agreed. I much prefer women to be up front about this stuff.

Ficheall

Hammer89 wrote: »

When their bio is inundated with the fact they have kids as well. I don't know what the opposite of Catfishing somebody is but some of them go a bit OTT in letting potential mates know that they have children. "Hiya me name's Mags. Swipe left if ye can't handle me kids coz I've loads."

That's great! Far better than the

"That's my niece in the pic, btw"
Don't fecking use that pic then?

KiKi III wrote: »

It seems very hard to strike the right balance between too much detail, not enough detail, and details that are so generic as to be meaningless.

Right now mine says: You might be beautiful, but they’re keeping my idea on file. In. A filing. Cabinet.

Saw that line yesterday, I remember smiling at it.

lainey_d_123

Ficheall wrote: »

That's great! Far better than the

"That's my niece in the pic, btw"
Don't fecking use that pic then?




Saw that line yesterday, I remember smiling at it.

I always feel coldly cynical about men who use pics with little kids on Tinder. Feels weirdly manipulative to me. 'Here I am with my cute little baby niece, aren't I such a lovely sweet guy?'

Ficheall

Just had a very brief dialogue with an American lady who's planning to pop over in the near future. I mentioned I didn't drink, she said but it's the national pastime, I said "That's a bit racist! ", then she said that was offensive and unmatched me. The one that got away, eh..

Ficheall

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I always feel coldly cynical about men who use pics with little kids on Tinder. Feels weirdly manipulative to me. 'Here I am with my cute little baby niece, aren't I such a lovely sweet guy?'

And puppies?


Presumably the women are doing it for the same reason. That and the ones showing off their good child-bearing hips. Or at least, I assume that's what they're at.

One eyed Jack

Ficheall wrote: »

Just had a very brief dialogue with an American lady who's planning to pop over in the near future. I mentioned I didn't drink, she said but it's the national pastime, I said "That's a bit racist! ", then she said that was offensive and unmatched me. The one that got away, eh..

Doing your bit for international relations there Ficheall

KiKi III

Ficheall wrote: »

That's great! Far better than the

"That's my niece in the pic, btw"
Don't fecking use that pic then?




Saw that line yesterday, I remember smiling at it.

But which way did you swipe?

Mister Vain

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I always feel coldly cynical about men who use pics with little kids on Tinder. Feels weirdly manipulative to me. 'Here I am with my cute little baby niece, aren't I such a lovely sweet guy?'

Reminds me of this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3NLE2eZurs

Church on Tuesday

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I always feel coldly cynical about men who use pics with little kids on Tinder. Feels weirdly manipulative to me. 'Here I am with my cute little baby niece, aren't I such a lovely sweet guy?'

I honestly don't know why any gender would be posing with kids TBH. Very odd.

I mean, it's a dating site. Keep it to pics of you, your friends or adult siblings.

SusieBlue

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I honestly don't know why any gender would be posing with kids TBH. Very odd.

I mean, it's a dating site. Keep it to pics of you, your friends or adult siblings.

I can’t even count how many profiles on Tinder I’ve come across with pictures of just their kids, scenery and food.

Like yes your steak looks lovely, so does the beach over in Lanzarote and your 2 year old is quite cute but I am not going to swipe right to any of those things.

Even worse is when you get excited because you get a super like and it’s a picture of some mountain.. like wtf????
If I am putting myself out there I expect the other person to do the same, this BS of ‘I like to keep my identity/pics private’ doesn’t wash with me.

Ficheall

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Doing your bit for international relations there Ficheall

My last five dates were in Poland, Croatia, Germany, Poland, Austria, with an American lady. Not much more I can do, Jack :P
A date in Galway would be nice, for a change :rolleyes:

I do have my ticket for a flight to Venice next week, but probably not going to get anyone organised for a date that soon, plus coronavirus fears etc, so that'll go to waste..


Edit: Apologies - that is not meant to come across as braggy, apologies. I can work remotely and do take advantage of that, but am broke af (another turn-off :P). Part of the reason for my ending previous.

Ficheall

KiKi III wrote: »

But which way did you swipe?

Honestly can't remember. Statistically speaking, it was probably right. Good job, you

Princess Calla

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

If you don't mind me saying, it seems that the problem with your partner isn't so much that he doesn't drive but more that he takes it for granted that you do it all and doesn't support you much. If I had a partner who drove me around everywhere, I would stay off the drink if they had to (out of solidarity), try to be a good navigator (or at least good company) on long car rides instead of dozing off, and I certainly wouldn't expect them to pay for the car and insurance and petrol out of 'their' own money if the car was used for the whole family.

To be honest I drive him nowhere, if he's in the car so are the kids

I just think it's very short sighted of anyone to say it's not a skill I need to learn.

I can completely understand someone having it as a deal breaker.
Am I happy in my relationship? Yes.
Would I enter another relationship with a non driver? Absolutely not!

lainey_d_123

Princess Calla wrote: »

To be honest I drive him nowhere, if he's in the car so are the kids

I just think it's very short sighted of anyone to say it's not a skill I need to learn.

I can completely understand someone having it as a deal breaker.
Am I happy in my relationship? Yes.
Would I enter another relationship with a non driver? Absolutely not!

I don't see how it's short sighted. Have already explained why it simply doesn't register for a lot of people as something necessary. Perhaps if it was like in the States where they all learn at or through school for free/cheap but it's really expensive here. Worth it if you plan to buy a car and drive every day, not so much if you're doing it just to have the piece of paper. I definitely wouldn't feel safe driving if I barely drove for years after passing my test and would probably need a series of lessons to build up confidence again, so why not just wait and learn if I ever needed to?

Anyway, dealbreakers.... was out with friends the other night and one of them brought along her new fella who was a ridiculously fussy eater. Wouldn't eat anything 'foreign', veg had to be cooked a certain way, basically couldn't handle anything he wasn't used to. It wasn't an allergy or intolerance, he just had a hugely limited range of food he would eat. That would absolutely do my head in....it felt like sitting in a restaurant with a toddler.

MarkY91

bluewolf wrote: »

I think everyone should be able to drive as well

Does that mean everyone should own a car? What if public transport and cycling gets me everywhere I normally go to within 30 minutes?

The only time I ever feel I could do with s car is when traveling around Ireland. I'd love to drive around instead of relying on paddywagon buses for tours.

The other 99% of the time, a car would just make me poorer, fatter and lazier for what? Getting to college 3 minutes quicker than on my bike?

Urethral Buttercup

Plenty of flesh on her booty and not afraid of having it spit on/slathered. Must love spicy food.

JupiterKid

If they’re into S&M in a big way. Nope, not my scene...

jaxxx

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I don't see how it's short sighted. Have already explained why it simply doesn't register for a lot of people as something necessary. Perhaps if it was like in the States where they all learn at or through school for free/cheap but it's really expensive here. Worth it if you plan to buy a car and drive every day, not so much if you're doing it just to have the piece of paper. I definitely wouldn't feel safe driving if I barely drove for years after passing my test and would probably need a series of lessons to build up confidence again, so why not just wait and learn if I ever needed to?

Anyway, dealbreakers.... was out with friends the other night and one of them brought along her new fella who was a ridiculously fussy eater. Wouldn't eat anything 'foreign', veg had to be cooked a certain way, basically couldn't handle anything he wasn't used to. It wasn't an allergy or intolerance, he just had a hugely limited range of food he would eat. That would absolutely do my head in....it felt like sitting in a restaurant with a toddler.

As someone who has a limited food palate, don't be so quick to judge. Yes some people can be fussy for the sake of being fussy or because they're complete c{}nts. Some of us though have no choice. Just something to consider.

Lyan

Girls who write about dealbreakers and turns-off on their profile.

I also don't like it when they keep talking about their exes at the start. Good chance they are still attached to them, but if not it still isn't something I want to hear about right away.

Greyfox

jaxxx wrote: »

As someone who has a limited food palate, don't be so quick to judge. Yes some people can be fussy for the sake of being fussy or because they're complete c{}nts. Some of us though have no choice. Just something to consider.

The majority are just cowards not willing to try something new. It's a pain when you want to cook something for people. I understand people not liking things but turning common things down you haven't properly tried is silly

Feisar

JupiterKid wrote: »

If they’re into S&M in a big way. Nope, not my scene...

Dated a lady that was big into that stuff, tis fun as a novelty however if it's the only way one gets off it becomes a bit onerous. Plus the want to continually push the boundaries and you end up in some weird places!

lainey_d_123

jaxxx wrote: »

As someone who has a limited food palate, don't be so quick to judge. Yes some people can be fussy for the sake of being fussy or because they're complete c{}nts. Some of us though have no choice. Just something to consider.

See, I don't understand this. I already said that intolerances are so on are grand, or obviously any kind of medical issue. What is a 'limited palette' if it isn't just a synonym for fussy? Why do you not have a choice?

the purple tin

Breaking wind too early in a relationship. Let rip in the first month or two and you might 'blow it'.


I always let my girlfriends parp in front of me first, then you have the moral highground.
For instance I moved in with a gf years back and she would always leave the room to play the bum-trumpet. I gave it the caring bf bit and told her she didn't have to leave the room, we should be comfortable with each other about it. She agreed and started to parp in my company which was akin to the Japanese attacking Pearl Harbour; she had just awakened the sleeping giant.


From then on if she ever complained to me about living in an industrial wind tunnel I woud act wounded and say 'excuse me, but as I recall it was you who started it'.

KiKi III

the purple tin wrote: »

Breaking wind too early in a relationship. Let rip in the first month or two and you might 'blow it'.


I always let my girlfriends parp in front of me first, then you have the moral highground.
For instance I moved in with a gf years back and she would always leave the room to play the bum-trumpet. I gave it the caring bf bit and told her she didn't have to leave the room, we should be comfortable with each other about it. She agreed and started to parp in my company which was akin to the Japanese attacking Pearl Harbour; she had just awakened the sleeping giant.


From then on if she ever complained to me about living in an industrial wind tunnel I woud act wounded and say 'excuse me, but as I recall it was you who started it'.

You sound like a catch.

the purple tin

KiKi III wrote: »

You sound like a catch.

Sorry, I'm spoken for :P

EmmetSpiceland

the purple tin wrote: »

Breaking wind too early in a relationship. Let rip in the first month or two and you might 'blow it'.

I always let my girlfriends parp in front of me first, then you have the moral highground.
For instance I moved in with a gf years back and she would always leave the room to play the bum-trumpet. I gave it the caring bf bit and told her she didn't have to leave the room, we should be comfortable with each other about it. She agreed and started to parp in my company which was akin to the Japanese attacking Pearl Harbour; she had just awakened the sleeping giant.

From then on if she ever complained to me about living in an industrial wind tunnel I woud act wounded and say 'excuse me, but as I recall it was you who started it'.

A bold “strategy”, P.

I remember the early days with an ex-girlfriend from a long while back now. I was getting pains and those “inward” farts from holding them in.

Used to have to “pretend” to go for a slash just to vent. Went on for weeks.

Eventually there came a time when I wasn’t worried about it. I certainly wasn’t waiting to see who would “brake” first.

Leg End Reject

Ah farting, the last veneer of politeness in a relationship. We all get caught at some stage, even if it's while we're asleep.

Widdershins

Hehe. An ex boyfriend used to pick his nose and wipe the snot on either his pants or whatever was beside him . Not me obviously.

I couldn't care less about farting, it's involuntary and just natural gas. I just ignore it. I very rarely do it but probably because I don't really eat meat.