Am I right being angry at my parents?

Jenneke87

So, I recently had some conversations with my mother about some things that had happend to me in the past. Over the last few years the relationship has been rocky but working on improving it, and it's going well so far. I guess what's bothering me is that one several occasions I've felt pretty let down by them and their answer is always the same; we didn't know or we didn't know that was the case and it was that bad.

So the first example was my third pregnancy. Just like the two before I was incredibly sick. Not just normal morning sickness, I was dangerously sick and badly needed help. My then boyfriend wasn't of much help and he also lived quite far away (it was an unintended pregnancy). I was on medication at the time that absolutely wasn't compatible with pregnancy and despite precautions, it happend. I felt like the biggest idiot. So I e-mailed my parents. I feared their judgment so badly I didn't dare to ring them. I told them I was pregnant, that the pregnancy had to be terminated at a later date because of medical reasons and that I was doing quite badly and needed their help. They told me to let them know if I needed anything. They never came over to help. I brought it up with my mother a number of months ago, how that reaction really hurted me. She says she interpreted the e-mal as me having already had the abortion and that they figured they couldn't do much for me and would just be in the way and did apologize for the misunderstanding and that if they had truly known how bad it was they would have come over. I have a hard time accepting that answer to be fair.

The second conversation I had a few days ago. My first relationship wasn't a succes story. I was 16 and he was 28 and I was in a difficult situation at home. I honestly don't know what I was thinking at the time, but I couldn't rebuff his advances. I've always been terrified to hurt people and it was way worse back then than it is now and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him to f*ck off. He was an utterly weird man and later learned from other people that he would chat to young girls online whom were in difficult situations and tried to persuade them to come live with him. He was also gross with a bad hygiene and just so disgusting. In hindsight I feel very abused by this man and I have no pleasant memories of our time together. I asked my mother how come she and my father were okay with this? I wouldn't have it if my teenager daughter came home with a man old enough to have a mortgage and a child of his own. She claimed I had never told them his age, although I remember sitting at the dining table and my father asking how old he was and not looking too happy. She claimed she thought he was in his early twenties and still lived with his parents, which he didn't and I never told her he did. He also looked much older than his actual age so how she could have thought he was younger is beyond me.

My parents at the time were dealing with my eldest sister a lot, who was a very difficult teenager who also brought home some questionable men, and my mothers' reasoning is that a: she didn't know his actual age and b: better to have him in sight than to outright forbid the relationship and risk me sneaking off (which I wouldn't have done, I would have been delighted really) and I didn't dare to bother them with my issues because they were so focused on my sister. Again I can't help but feeling that their reasons are a bit of a cop-out really and a way of avoiding having to take on some responsibility. Am I right in feeling this way or am I being too harsh on my parents here? I'd appreciate your opinions.

poisonated

It sounds like your parents are trying to do what they can.

seenitall

Hi OP,

These are some deep-seated issues that you have unresolved with your parents, and more specifically they are feelings of abandonment from when you were younger and didn't understand rightly what was going on or how an older man manipulated you, but having grown up you have gained a different perspective, and so there is anger with what you see as your parents' neglect of you at that crucial and lonely time in your life. I recognise these feelings from some of my own family's painful issues.

First of all, what I would suggest is that you accept that if your parents didn't really want to know then, they certainly don't want to know now. Some people are just not good at parenting, or helping out a teenage child in any emotionally meaningful way, or being there for support. They may not be the worst parents in the world, but they'll never be the best, either. Accepting that as a fact of life, if you can, will get you half-way to putting this issue to bed. Because, I could say to you that I understand, and that I think your parents should have been much more involved and concerned about you at those critical stages of your life, but it won't change the fact that it all played out the way it did, and it won't change them, either. So accepting the past and making peace with it is your best bet to resolve this. I think your mother probably gave you as much as you are ever going to get by way of an explanation or apology, if you choose to see it that way. Now, to be honest, as a mother myself, I don't think much of any of that, or of how they behaved towards you, but that is beside the point. The point is that you should move on by accepting the realities of your life.

My second point is much simpler and shorter: if you are finding this much difficulty with processing the past, I would normally recommend some counselling - however I think you already attend counselling? You should definitely be exploring these issues in there, as to an outsider this kind of stuff might seem trivial, but this historical family stuff can actually run very deep and really be messing with you emotionally. Work on it, process it, make it better. It's on you now.

Be your own parent. We all have to do that, eventually, anyway.

afterglow

Hi @Jenneke87
there is a therapy called EMDR ( eye movement desensatisation reprocessing )
if you can, look some details up, it may help you
in the meantime, exercise self care as much as you can
I think its ok, when we haven't, or don't ( when safe to do so ) morn for what we never had. acknowledge that we never had what we should have, whether its perceived or real, like dr phil says, there is no reality only perception. feel the feelings of sadness you feel, at your parents not having really parented you, from what you write, this is the case anyway
It sounds like, what you wanted was structure, rules, boundaries
like seenitall said, be your own parent, and if you didn't have these then, you can implament some now, and start to do self care
Be kind to yourself, instead of always being harsh, think, if I was in this situation with my child, or best friend, how would I treat them/what would i do? What would i say?
It doesn't fix what's gone before, but it may give you back some control
Best of luck OP, you don't have an easy time of it....
Be kind to yourself

splinter65

I think that you are trying to deal with and process a lot of issues that will need more assistance then analysis from strangers on a chat room.
It sounds as if your parents were trying to do the best they could for you at the time (which is all any of us parents, including yourself, can do) and that you are now suffering the consequences of a series of life events and trying to apportion blame in order to try and move on appropriately.
Seek counselling if you can afford it.

qwerty13

Actually I think you shouldn’t be annoyed with them. You made bad choices. Your parents perhaps could have tried better to steer you away from those choices, but let’s face it - had they put their foot down, or ‘forbade you’ - well you were more than likely to have gone ahead anyway.

Harsh as I’m going to sound, the aftermath of your choices is not your parents fault. You have to take responsibility for your own choices. Yes, they could have supported you better. But that doesn’t negate the choices that you made. It doesn't mean your parents are saintly either. I guess I mean neither party is whiter than white.

I think I know what you're saying, OP. You feel (as far as the bad relationship goes) that your parents job was to save you from yourself and a bad choice, and they didn't step up. I get that would hurt a lot. Did you seem happy at the time? You were getting attention from this man, albeit the wrong kind but attention all the same - which I suspect you weren't getting from your parents. Is it possible they assumed you were happy and not in need of intervention? I get that they either didn't take in or are lying about knowing this mans age, but while it's a huge gap at that age it may not have seemed insurmountable to them. Is any of that possible? If so, is it forgivable?

I'm so sorry to hear about your pregnancy needing to be terminated. That must have been very hard, and very lonely. I can certainly understand how your parents lack of caring response would have hurt a great deal. Perhaps you'll never get a caring, loving, response from them to a bad situation, but that is about them and not about you. I know you can't stop being hurt but maybe therapy would help in coming to terms with the relationship you have with them. Wanting them to show or be something they're incapable of is going to keep hurting you, you don't have to be happy with how things are, but you may very well learn to accept it, with help. Unfair as it might seem, it's your expectations that need to be recalibrated so you can move on and not dwell on this.

I hope you're doing okay, you've had a tough time.

Stateofyou

Some of these replies read like victim blaming.

If her parents had of tried to intervene but she went ahead anyway, she wouldn't be feeling like they pretty much abandoned her because she would know they did try their best. It's impossible to say she most likely would have went ahead anyway. Parents do have some control.
No way would I let an older man date my 16 year old daughter. The legal age of consent is 17 in Ireland and some of these replies read like it's not that big of a deal and was her own choice/not her parent's responsibility. The law says it was her parent's job to know who could be preying on her at that age, and they should have made it their business to know. It absolutely was her parent's responsibility to keep her safe from harm at that tender age.

OP it's not your fault that you couldn't cope with that kind of relationship at 16, you were in way over your head. The dynamic of your childhood probably taught you to be a people pleaser and not put up a fuss; girls in general are raised more so to be polite, respectful and accommodating, so altogether it makes sense you weren't able to say no, especially to someone much older. I think your parents did let you down and caused you harm that you now have to take the responsibility of healing from. They should have done better, but they didn't or weren't able to. It will take some time to heal from. I don't think you're being harsh but I agree with what's been said in that you'll need to accept reality of their limitations in order to heal and manage your expectations moving forward. Sorry to read all that you've been through, I can see why you're hurt.

Oranage2

I agree op, your parents should have intervened more when you were dating that man when you were 16, they should have tried at least you may or may not have gone against them but they should have tried to protect you more. But that's in the past now, the best you can get is an apology from them, and you can learn from it and not to make the same mistakes with your children.

As for your 3rd pregnancy, why didn't you ring them? An email is so formal. I'm guessing there is lots to the story we're missing. But you're an adult and they're adults, you made the choice to have sex, they made the choice not to fully involve themselves, not the most supportive parents but you cant blame your mother for her choice.

Overall as many said, not the most supportive parents in the world, not the worst, all you can do is learn from this and hopefully you can be a better parent to your children op.

Xterminator

Hi Op

are you looking for help here, or to vent?

If you want to vent, have at it. in particular allowing a 16 yo girl see a 28 yo man is not just crossed wires, its negligent. I would understand if they tried to reason with you and you told them to take a running jump, but if they unquestionably allowed you have a harmful sexual relationship with someone nearly twice your age, then i would say you have a very valid point of view there. Regardless of whatever family issues were going on, you deserved better. They may not have known there was an issue, but they should have looked out for your interests much better.

however your second charge, So I e-mailed my parents..... They told me to let them know if I needed anything... if you never asked them for help, after they offered, well that one would be on you. they could have done more, but its difficult for them to know where to draw the line and if you asked for help and they let you down, that's one thing but if you suffered in silence - that's another thing altogether. I would think you didn't handle that terribly well and feel you parents do have a point there.

As another poster already said that's a very strange way of communicating with your parents (email ), and i suspect there are some underlying issues here.

Is it that you find it hard to forgive your parents for the past? Have you slipped into blaming them for everything that has gone wrong in your life? Do they actually want to help you? If you do ask for help do they follow through? You ask about their responsibility, which is fair but you don't mention your own. 3rd pregnancy & unplanned pregnancy, unsupportive partner were all words that raise a red flag.

the14thwarrior

can't answer this question unless we know what your parents were like, particulary about other things. were they lax, or laissez faire, did they let you do lots of things that perhaps other kids didn't do? did you do them anyway?
did you tell them enough lies so that they believed you without really bothering to check? or did they ever check on other things so that it just slid on by and now, on reflection, you are angry.

can't answer the question really. I suspect you should not be that angry at them, perhaps you did what you wanted to anyway, and now, you want it to be different.
i don't mean to be harsh, but did they really mean to let you make mistakes or did they take their eye off the ball or perhaps, they never really cared enough and assumed it was all ok.
we can't cherry pick what we want to parents to stop us doing, on the reflections of an older person looking back.................
don't look back in anger............

WarpAsylum

Stateofyou wrote: »

No way would I let an older man date my 16 year old daughter. That's pedophilia

No it isn't.

qwerty13

WarpAsylum wrote: »

No it isn't.

Agreed. I’d have a problem with his behaviour / choices. But it is not paedophilia. Words matter.

Stateofyou

WarpAsylum wrote: »

No it isn't.

How is it not.

qwerty13

@ Stateofyou

Pedophilia (alternatively spelt paedophilia) is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children.

Stateofyou

qwerty13 wrote: »

@ Stateofyou

Pedophilia (alternatively spelt paedophilia) is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children.

The legal age of consent in Ireland is 17, so I thought pedophilia was the right term for underage attraction but I see now it's not. If sexually active the right term would have been statutory rape. I'll amend my previous post.

That said, it was an illegal and vulnerable place she was in. According to the Sexual Offences Act he could have been jailed. At 16 she was still a child and the man was pushing 30. Her parents should have confronted that head on.

qwerty13

Stateofyou wrote: »

The legal age of consent in Ireland is 17, so I thought pedophilia was the right term for underage attraction but I see now it's not. If sexually active the right term would have been statutory rape. I'll amend my previous post.

That said, it was an illegal and vulnerable place she was in. According to the Sexual Offences Act he could have been jailed. At 16 she was still a child and the man was pushing 30. Her parents should have confronted that head on.

The age of consent varies in different countries, and I don’t think (from previous posts, open to correction though) that the OP grew up in Ireland. So it *may* have been legal.

I personally think the guy was a complete creep, but that’s a different discussion. I still think the parents should have at least tried to step in, but I’m not getting enough of the background to know how much they really knew / how much they tried / how much their efforts were or could have been rebuffed - and how much anger towards them is really fair.

Stateofyou

qwerty13 wrote: »

The age of consent varies in different countries, and I don’t think (from previous posts, open to correction though) that the OP grew up in Ireland. So it *may* have been legal.

I personally think the guy was a complete creep, but that’s a different discussion. I still think the parents should have at least tried to step in, but I’m not getting enough of the background to know how much they really knew / how much they tried / how much their efforts were or could have been rebuffed - and how much anger towards them is really fair.

The main point is the OP stated she felt abused. She states they knew, and they didn't try to stop it so that's fair enough to me.

In hindsight I feel very abused by this man and I have no pleasant memories of our time together. I asked my mother how come she and my father were okay with this? I wouldn't have it if my teenager daughter came home with a man old enough to have a mortgage and a child of his own. She claimed I had never told them his age, although I remember sitting at the dining table and my father asking how old he was and not looking too happy. She claimed she thought he was in his early twenties and still lived with his parents, which he didn't and I never told her he did. He also looked much older than his actual age so how she could have thought he was younger is beyond me.

and my mothers' reasoning is that a: she didn't know his actual age and b: better to have him in sight than to outright forbid the relationship and risk me sneaking off

That reasoning is f'd up.

qwerty13

Stateofyou wrote: »

The main point is the OP stated she felt abused. She states they knew, and they didn't try to stop it so that's fair enough to me.



That reasoning is f'd up.

I actually agree with you. But I’ve read stuff about not alienating a teenager who is acting out, and keeping them close - as in not reading the riot act on their behaviour (and lets face it, the parents could never have any control over creepy guy behaviour).

My take from this is that the parents were between a rock and a hard place with the OP and their sibling. Yes, they could have done better. But perhaps they were trying to not push their children away. We don’t know their intentions. I think it is very harsh to exclusively blame them / be angry at them.

Jenneke87

Thanks to all who responded. I'm not sure how some people jumped to the conclusion that I blame my parents for getting pregnant/having sex..? Of course that's on me. Things is, they were less than thrilled with my previous two pregnancies, angry actually because I was still quite young, so I just didn't have the heart to ring them and tell them that yes, it happened again. What bothers me though is that despite from a brief:" Well let us know if you need anything" they never contacted me. Not to ask how I'm doing, not to ask if I needed any help or anything. I fully admit that I could've communicated that better, I was however already quite sick at that point and processing the news that this pregnancy wasn't viable and needed to be terminated. I asked my mother about it and she said that she interpreted the e-mail as me already having had the procedure and just informing them about it afterwards (which wasn't the case at all). Even if that were the case, certainly just a call to ask how I'm doing would be appropriate, right? But there was just complete radio silence, which I find odd. That and the excuse she gave about not knowing my boyfriends age..If my daughter brought home someone considerably older at that age the very least I'd want to know is his name, his age, where he lives and why he's interested in a girl so much younger..I don't want to blame them for everything that went wrong, that's not my intention, and there are also a lot of things that they helped me tremendously with, so that's why I've been asking myself if it's right to feel that way. Thx again to all who responded.

seamus

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I asked my mother about it and she said that she interpreted the e-mail as me already having had the procedure and just informing them about it afterwards (which wasn't the case at all). Even if that were the case, certainly just a call to ask how I'm doing would be appropriate, right? But there was just complete radio silence, which I find odd.

Look at it in context.

You sent an email about it. That would imply a level of non-urgency and non-seriousness about it. Your mother probably finds it odd that you were having a very difficult time, clearly you wanted, needed, to talk to somenoe who could support you. But you sent an email instead of picking up the phone.

Presumably you didn't ask for a call, or for help, in the email.

And yet now you're upset that your mother didn't do something that you never asked her to do.

And while I absolutely appreciate that one would expect a phone call from a parent when they receive bad news about a child, it's probably not a stretch for me to suggest that this is how your relationship has been for years, and a general lack of verbal communication is the default between you and your parents. So it doesn't seem that odd, in context.

This would also seem to be in line with your statement in your opening post that your mother always seems to say "I didn't know", or "was it really that bad". You've probably been a closed book since you were a teenager, and shared with your parents only what you wanted to share. As a result they leave you at it, because that's the way your relationship has been defined - "She'll come to us when she wants to talk, and ask for help when she needs it". So they can't be blamed for not taking action on things they were unaware of.

I can sympathise, because I'm exactly the same, and every now and again my mother and I will have a row about the fact that she only hears my news through my brothers and I only hear her news through my brothers.
We haven't fallen out, we don't have a strained relationship, this is just the way our relationship developed.

That and the excuse she gave about not knowing my boyfriends age..If my daughter brought home someone considerably older at that age the very least I'd want to know is his name, his age, where he lives and why he's interested in a girl so much younger..I don't want to blame them for everything that went wrong, that's not my intention, and there are also a lot of things that they helped me tremendously with, so that's why I've been asking myself if it's right to feel that way.

Maybe she doesn't actually remember the conversation about his age. Maybe she didn't hear it.
In any case, her reasoning while perhaps misguided, is probably genuine. The typical response to, "my teenage daughter has a creepy adult boyfriend" is usually to not make a song and dance about it, to let it run its course and it will end naturally. And this is what they did, for better or worse.

You're a parent now, you know mistakes are made even with the best intentions. You seem to be struggling with the regret of this original relationship, and your mind is searching for some way to get angry about it - i.e. "my parents should have stopped it".

To me it sounds like you need to talk to a professional about it. You were taken advantage of by this man, what he did was potentially illegal, potentially sexual assault. You're not going to resolve the trauma of this by trying to work it through on your own.