can't be myself

afterglow

hi everyone
A while ago, I got advised to not post in PI for a bit, by the mods, because I was using it as sort of like a crutch, and perhaps I was
but like monica in friends, when phoebe gives her the money for the catering van ' i went, I beed ' so I'm hoping, its ok to post here now
2 massive arguments, this week just gone, one because my sister said something about money, and how I wouldn't pay for anything, because she's possibly having a log cabin built in the garden, as she's expecting, and my dad offered to top up the mortgage, for the amount he ' feels ' she needs, to do everything properly
I said if sister wasn't having this built, I would have asked them to do this, so i could get some space, my sister immediately going on, about how i ' wouldn't pay for anything ' and when I sighed, then, I can't have a conversation, it was a joke etc. Parent's jumped on the bandwaggon, what's wrong with me, maybe I don't have money, which I don't, because waiting for payments to come through, but I have a roof over my head, I'm safe, loved etc, what's wrong with me? they've bought the bed I sleep on, helped me get a new phone ( which I will pay for when money comes through ) bought the bed I sleep on, etc, they didn't need to do that, what's wrong with me, why aren't i more grateful? I'm having counselling, surely that should be working by now, if not, its a waste of time, mine, and other people's, because i need help to get there, as can't see, don't drive
I obviously don't want to pull myself out of it. When I mentioned feeling suicidal still, then they said they should be involved in my therapy, that my therapist only has my distorted view of the situation and on, and on. they were meant to go look at wooden house thingies on monday, eventually they did, but not before making me feel like a disappointment for having expressed my feelings, as if they're going to leave a suicidal person in the house by themselves. That was my sister, who of course, is hormonal, pregnancy etc. During this argument, also, my parent's said they don't believe I'c I'm gay, and this is the real reason for this post
Because I've been out of the country a few years, I don't have the fredom i once did, they go on and on about how unsafe dublin is, and I don't disagree
I'm meant to meet a friend tomorrow, because they don't want me to go out, they've offered for him to come here, which is hospitable and I appreciate that.
But how they are around my sexuality, and not being able to go out, means, I can't go to meet-ups, and actually start meeting people.
a friend, has introduced me to someone she knows, we've chatted via whatsapp, and she's kindly, offered to pick me up, go for coffee, just as friends, which is perfect, and I'd love to
When I said to the lady who introduced us, I'd say she was her friend, she said don't, because of how my family are, conscious for her safety I suppose. I don't think anything would heppen, but I can see where she's coming from
to my family, I feel like the only thing I am, is blind, and that's only because they know for a fact, I use a cane, have had a dog, don't have physical eyes, etc
I don't know what to do? anything less than full disclosure is me deciding I don't want them involved, I'm underhanded, sneaky, think I know everything, etc. I don't, just to say
another argument happened because I gave my nan's address where I was going when I came home, because a social worker asked for it, saying it was so they could link me up with my local council, she said she was concerned for my mentel health
there is something to do with co-funding, because I had a PA, in the UK, tory britain at its finest, but i had said I would make a payment when I could, like set up a plan, and the english council, sent a letter to the address I gave, requesting payment
my dad went crazy, saying I was disrespectful giving that address, involving my elderly grandparent's in something, nothing to do with them, but the council are not, and will never be, looking for money from them, and I'd already said I'd set something up, so they were just being impatient. I've emailed since
When this argument happened, I got really upset, and again, I can't have a conversation, i should have asked what address to give, underhanded, think I know best etc
I'm confused, and lost, and sad
at the moment, I'm living by their rules, not challenging anything, so no arguments the passed few days, but i just feel like I'm drowning
what do I do?

Addle

Their house, their rules OP.

Your poor parents having to maintain their adult children at this stage of their lives.

Both you and your sister should be grateful and obliging to your parents.

Why is it taking so long for your payments to come through? What payments are they? Have you seen the community welfare officer?

afterglow

Addle wrote: »

Their house, their rules OP.

Your poor parents having to maintain their adult children at this stage of their lives.

Both you and your sister should be grateful and obliging to your parents.

Why is it taking so long for your payments to come through? What payments are they? Have you seen the community welfare officer?[/quoter]

wow ok then
its blind pension
hence the ' can't see, don't drive ' comment in my post
not being able to go to community welfare officer is complicated. and i don't have to explain why I can't do that
they have not ' maintained ' me the past 4 years, as you so crassly put it, I left this country, because employers when I was here, only saw my disability
I tried over there, but it just didn't work out

Hannibal_Smith

Do you feel your parents are being too controlling?

Can you do a counselling session together? It might not be a bad idea. But on the basis that they also listen to you and don't shut down anything you have to say?

afterglow

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Do you feel your parents are being too controlling?

Can you do a counselling session together? It might not be a bad idea. But on the basis that they also listen to you and don't shut down anything you have to say?

hi
firstly, thanks for your reply
I think that would be good, if they would, but I don't think they are ' therapy ' people. Many years ago, when i first struggled with mental health, when they found out, their attitude was, how dare i go outside this house and discuss family business

eviltwin

This competition you have going on with your sister needs to stop. It's really not healthy. Your parents can support you both if they choose. You seem to feel you're missing out because she's being helped and I understand that must frustrate you when she's in a predicament of her own making but that doesn't mean she doesn't need the support.

I'm familiar with your previous posts, you got great advice. What happened with the offer of a room at your grandparents?

afterglow

eviltwin wrote: »

This competition you have going on with your sister needs to stop. It's really not healthy. Your parents can support you both if they choose. You seem to feel you're missing out because she's being helped and I understand that must frustrate you when she's in a predicament of her own making but that doesn't mean she doesn't need the support.

I'm familiar with your previous posts, you got great advice. What happened with the offer of a room at your grandparents?

hi evil twin
Its not a competition, it just is what it is, unfortunately
I wasn't offered a room, staying there was temporary, so now, I'm on a fold up bed, for the foreseeable"....

Neyite

It sounds like a tricky situation - your family are treating you like a disabled dependent and to some extent, infantising you perhaps? But you are an adult, capable of living independently (with some additional supports) so it feels like their involvement is overbearing. It's possible that they feel your mental health issues also mean that you are mentally incapacitated in addition to your physical limitations. You tell them you are suicidal but then think that they'll back off and let you live your life without their interference, but if you are at risk or they are being told you are at risk they aren't going to do that!

They sound like they care a lot about you, but they also sound like they have very set ideas on what your needs are rather than actually listening to you. I actually agree with them to an extent about your therapy. By all means you should have your own therapist but a family therapy session might be very useful in helping you all discuss the situation and work on improving family life.

A lot of people are oddly uncomfortable about people with a disability having sexual needs and desires, especially if they view you to be vulnerable. You've shown in your previous posts that you ARE actually vulnerable - you are very self concious about your physical issues, and come across as having little or no self worth, and honestly, you've sounded like you'd be with any dickhead who was prepared to overlook it and you'd be grateful to them no matter how they treated you. If my sister/ kid had such a low opinion of herself the way you do, I'd be terrified of the kind of partners she would end up with. With or without a disability. So I'm not sure that they are worried about your sexuality, but more that they are just worried about you. If you don't love yourself how can you expect someone else to? Nobody will ever treat you better than you treat yourself, because you show them what your baseline is.

I'd suggest looking into family therapy in addition to your own sessions. You sound like you are a close family but you moving back home is an adjustment for everyone, yourself included?

Xterminator

Hi Op

you cant change other people. You just cant. i can suggest coping strategies - to sum up you can only control how you react to them, not what they do/say/think.

Stop competing with your sister. She may well be doing very well out of the deal with your parents. More power to her. If she moves into a lovely shed in the back garden, wont that free up a bedroom for you ? So why are you not all happy about that development? Its unhealthy to be so hung up on what she gets.

PS when it comes to your sexuality and personal freedom, its easier to get forgiveness than freedom. Find an activity/place friend they approve of, then when ever you are going out - that's where you are off to. could you join something like visionsports on facebook as that will allow you an outlet socially that doesn't require parental supervision/worry etc?

afterglow

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

you cant change other people. You just cant. i can suggest coping strategies - to sum up you can only control how you react to them, not what they do/say/think.

Stop competing with your sister. She may well be doing very well out of the deal with your parents. More power to her. If she moves into a lovely shed in the back garden, wont that free up a bedroom for you ? So why are you not all happy about that development? Its unhealthy to be so hung up on what she gets.

PS when it comes to your sexuality and personal freedom, its easier to get forgiveness than freedom. Find an activity/place friend they approve of, then when ever you are going out - that's where you are off to. could you join something like visionsports on facebook as that will allow you an outlet socially that doesn't require parental supervision/worry etc?

i'm not ' hung up ' on what she gets
these past few days have been alright actually, and this evening, i bought milshakes for her and my brother, course little gestures don't fix massive issues, but just trying to show I'm open to being nice, at least
yes, if she gets her wooden house, i get a room, and that's grand altogether! I'd give anything to have a proper bed to sleep on.
I appreciate replies, and I know you're 100 percent right, I need to make listening to wayne dyer a daily habbit, because you're right, i can only control myself, and no-one else. blaiming them for how things are, how i wish they were, what they did/didn't do, all completely useless and unproductive

hawley

Could you get some work or a placement with NCBI? Something that wouldn't be very stressful. It would get you out of the house for a few hours every day and increase your confidence. What are your long term plans? Your situation sounds awful to be honest, it would be great if you could move back in with your grandparents for some time.

afterglow

hawley wrote: »

Could you get some work or a placement with NCBI? Something that wouldn't be very stressful. It would get you out of the house for a few hours every day and increase your confidence. What are your long term plans? Your situation sounds awful to be honest, it would be great if you could move back in with your grandparents for some time.

Hi
Firstly, thx for reply
Can't move back with grandparent's unfortunately
Volunteering/work is in the longterm plans, just need to get on my feet a little first

i have a chance of a house share, which would lead to an apartment, with other VI people, going to find out more about it today.
I just want my own room and a proper bed really