Should I emigrate?

LegacyUser

Should I emirate?

I am 34, financially and career wise I am a success. I have my own house, nice car, good career and well paid.

But social success has always eluded me, I have never had a relationship and I have no real friends.

Week in week out I go to work and that is about it. I have no one to social with or go on holiday with. I have tried joining the gym, classes, clubs etc to get to know people. There is something about me that puts people off. I am well dressed, well groomed, several people have called me beautiful/good looking, etc. But I have zero confidence. I have attended counselling and tried mindful techniques, but I can never feel a sense of real confidence, it is a facade.

I had a childhood trauma, years of teenage bullying in secondary school, so I have never felt normal, always the outsider and that there is something wrong with me.
As a result I have always struggled with my mental health, I have battled depression on and off since I was a teenager, I always manage to fight my way out of it. In my late 20s I developed anxiety. As I get older, my mental health is getting more and more fragile.

I am tempted by the prospect of emigrating to try and achieve a social life/success. I am afraid that due to my past and my fragile mental health, that I won't be able for it, ot could be too much and lead to breakdown. At home in Ireland my parents are my only company, without them I would not have any meaningful interactions, company or conversations. I love them dearly, they are such wonderful people, but I am aware that the day will come and they won't be around forever. Without them I will be alone.

am i naive to think that emigrating is a solution for someone l like me? That old saying, whereever I go there I am' springs to mind.

zapper55

You'd either feel very isolated abroad or you could flourish altogether.

If you left for say a year to try would you be worse off financially when you come back? Could you get a visa, are your skills transferable? All things to consider.

Xterminator

i think perhaps moving abroad would force you to change your existing habits and break out of the rut you find youeself in. That might help. Also the dynamics are different abroad, where your nationality, accent, and culture would let you stand out out more, that it does here. The feeling of escaping your past where none knows your history etc might also aid you to put that emotional baggage away.. In addition the ex pat community abroad, (depending where you go) can be very inclusive and welcoming of new faces.

A close friend of mine went to the caymans for work, and found the ex pat community made him so welcome he had friends to socialise with almost instantly.
Thus a change could help you unwittingly resolve any underlying issues.

But really you should try to identify the reasons why an intelligent well educated successful self aware person who is obviously looking for friends has not successfully managed to make any at all. Because if the problem is how you interact with people you may find yourself falling into those same habits abroad, where your support network is not available, eg your parents.

I know you say you have attended counselling. Did you came to an understanding of what is causing you not to make friends, and what would be required to change the dynamics? Are you in a mental health place where a big change could be coped with?

Would it be possible to take leave from work, eg a career break, and perhaps reserve the place you live, so you could go abroad, and 'test the waters' as it were before making it permanent ? If you have a fall back plan, it might ease any worries you may have in your head.

ManOfMystery

Emigrating is a very large and daunting proposition. It can also be wonderful and open up so many new opportunities, and enrich your life.

The danger here is that the issues you've had with anxiety, depression and isolation may not be due to your locale, or have anything to do with it. And by moving, you'd only end up in a different place but facing the same problems - albeit without the support network of your parents and your familiarity with and security in your current circumstances.

With that said, you are obviously keen to change your current status quo for the better. I fully agree with Xterminator, I think you should consider either a career break or a very long extended holiday and try travelling solo to one of the locations you have in mind to see how you fare before you make any permanent decisions - not just socially, but in terms of anxiety and becoming comfortable with the thought of living at that location.

Finchie1276

Hello

I think you are running from your problems. Your lack of social skills, memories of trauma and bullying will still be with you. May I suggest you use some time to explore, reframe and understand those things before you move.
It is possible through psychotherapy to safely find out what did and did not happen and also how to think about what happened differently.

Good Luck.

LegacyUser

Op here

Thanks to everyone for their replies so far. It's great to get different perspectives on the topic.

Yes, I suppose deep down I fear that I am running from my problems and that is my big worry, that I up sticks and move abroad, but still have my old problems and that I won't be able to cope. Yet I also realise that the clock is ticking, I am 34, if I am going to emigrate and make a go of it, I really need to do it sooner rather than later...

The social thing baffles me. In friendships I often end up being treated quite badly, I severley lack confidence, assertiveness skills and the ability to establish healthy boundaries. Down through the years, I often put up with more than I should have for fear of losing friends, not having anyone to hang out with, feeling that I am a second tier person/friend in the first instance. Generally I am never anyone's first choice and always the 'backup friend'. I am not claiming to be the perfect person, we all have flaws. I can see that I have good traits, I am witty, loyal and easy going. I see people who literally have zero personality or make zero effort in their social interactions who have lots of good friends.

At this point, I realise I have no real friends. I am so on my own. I find it very hard to trust people. I found the counselling very good, the counsellor didn't label any of my behaviour as such, she was more objective and mainly listened, she was trying to get to the root of my issues related to my self image of myself- how I perceive my physical appearance and my personality.

Oranage2

OP what do you think would make you happy?

Could you find a similar job if you emigrated?

If you want a relationship could you try dating apps?

At your age op some people just don't have time to go out as much, they've other commitments such as kids, mortgage , car payments, spend time with their partner or just too tired after work etc.

Also could your success be putting people off being friends with you, it could be a bit of jealousy that you're doing so well and being so young.

As for emigrating, you can start fresh, and expat communities tend to be smaller so people are forced to interact more. Though as others said the issues that affect you in Ireland could easily affect you abroad.

If I were you OP, I'd try to join some clubs in Ireland, running, cooking, do a course, painting etc and try to make friends. Maybe try some dating apps, If nothing changes then maybe consider going abroad.

Wanderer78

persue with trying to figure out your mental health difficulties, there's possibly some sort of disorder(s) there, and certainly sounds like some trauma, that may need to be addressed, your gp would be a good starting point. Moving away may help immensely, but your issues may just follow you. Best of luck with whatever you decide

Lily_Aldrin7

I find it harder to find friends abroad than at home. Going somewhere new without knowing anyone is risky, I think it’s only going to add to your loneliness . I think you should try to work on yourself, to be able to feel good alone. It’s wonderful to have friends but they won’t fix your issues unfortunately.

max307

Hi OP,

Maybe I can give you a bit of perspective as someone who has emigrated twice in the last 8 years. I can tell you that it will be very challenging personally and socially but it will force you to look inside and you will surprised how resilient we are and how we can thrive in different environments.

If you really want to try I would say do it now, don’t wait any longer. At the beginning it will be lonely but if you force yourself to go out and meet people it will happen. I prefer to say I tried and failed instead of I didn’t try for the fear of failing. It sounds like career wise and financially you’re in a comfortable position so that’s a bonus already.

Good luck!

KiKi III

Emigrating seems like a very big play. You’re lacking in meaningful connections and struggling with your mental health and I’m not sure moving away from your only current supports is the best idea.

Maybe start smaller. Pick two new hobbies and dedicate yourself to them. Choose ones where you’re likely to get talking to people’s

In the meantime, start seeing a counsellor about the traumas in your youth.

JustAThought

Q OP - where were you thinking if emigrating to? America could be a financial disaster if you needed medical help as anything over there could slowly ruin you financially & de-stabalise all the significant successes you’ve had here.

If you went into a strong ex pat community with english at its base that could be a positive and trigger strong but short term friendships -but from experience these may only last as long as you or they were in that environment & had that common bond.

where were you thinking?

and regarding tier 2 friendships I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself -many lifelong friendships stem from school rather than college or clubs & to have a few friends who arn’t your ‘best’ friend/s is still a success!

HildaOgdenx

KiKi III wrote: »

Emigrating seems like a very big play. You’re lacking in meaningful connections and struggling with your mental health and I’m not sure moving away from your only current supports is the best idea.

Maybe start smaller. Pick two new hobbies and dedicate yourself to them. Choose ones where you’re likely to get talking to people’s

In the meantime, start seeing a counsellor about the traumas in your youth.

I agree.

Try taking up something that is new to you and interests and maybe challenges you. You will meet like-minded people, at the very least. I see that you have tried some things before but I would say focus less on the making friends / meeting people aspect. Go for something out of your comfort zone so that is more your focus, say for example, a running club, and trying to get a personal best. That kind of thing.

Emigrating as a 'solution ' doesn't really sound like a great idea. Have you thought about where exactly you want to go? As pp have suggested, take a career break if that is possible, and do some travelling. If nothing else, it will get you out of your routine and give you an idea of whether or not you would like to move to another country.

I would encourage you to attend counselling as you have found it helpful previously. Look after your health. Take care.

Goabroad2020

Goabroad2020 wrote: »

am i naive to think that emigrating is a solution for someone l like me? That old saying, whereever I go there I am' springs to mind.

While others wouldn't recommend it, I certainly would. I left Ireland when I hit 30 and it completely turned my personal life around.

I've had a shaking disorder since I was 13, which combined with the harsh bullying, and lack of success with females, encouraged me to become shy/withdrawn. I had few friends, and always felt awkward in social situations, especially with strangers.

I moved to Australia first, and it was fun but not enough of a change for me. The important thing is that for habit change one of the most useful tactics is to change your habits while in a different location. It was easier to attempt my personal changes because I wasn't dealing with the associations built up with Irish culture, or my baggage with people nearby. I dated extensively after finding that foreign women were generally more patient/tolerant of my shakes and other personality "quirks". After Australia, I spent some time in Russia, Japan, and South Korea. I now live in China for the most part.

I would highly recommend leaving Ireland to someone in your situation. There will always be people who will tell you its better to stay and face your problems. Just as they'll tell you that you're running away from your problems. I don't agree. I tried that most of my life, and got nowhere, except to attempt suicide three different times. Depression built over time, and frustrations over my lack of change reinforced the negative personality behaviors. The truth is that your problems are internal, and you'll carry them with you wherever you go.

Living abroad gave me a blank slate. Nobody knew my past except me. I could experiment with different behaviors and attitudes. I could test out lifestyles in ways which I could never do in Ireland.

Now, I'm very confident in social interactions with people of all manner of cultural backgrounds. I've learned to be self-sufficient, I've learned to love/respect my family and more importantly, I've grown comfortable within my own skin. I recognise my value for myself. That's important. I've dated extensively, and found/explored different kinds of love. I've grown in ways that I wouldn't have in Ireland. Different ways because of different opportunities.

So, OP. Initially, leave for a few years. Pick somewhere a fair distance from Ireland so you have some breathing room. I'd recommend English teaching in an Asian country because it's interesting, and the Eastern cultures/philosophy can be a great help in developing yourself. Plus, the dating dynamic is completely different, and can give some wonderful experiences.