Inlaws and death in my family

kulekat

Tell me if im over reacting.

My dad passed away last year. I sent my inlaws (ie parents, brothers and sisters in law) all memory cards this week (on monday). I also sent my friends his memory card.

Not one of my inlaws responded via text/call to say they received it, it was lovely/fitting whatever. I thought they might of even text me to say thanks/thinking of you/whatever. But nothing.

I know they received them as my other friends did and all communicated to say they were thinking of me and my mother, and that the card was lovely.

They (inlaws) are a very tight knit bunch, and myself and my husband live an hour away rather than in their town.

I just think its very ignorant for them not to acknowledge my pain and dads memory.

If you got a memory card in the post from your inlaw, would u just sideline it? Forget about it and not acknowledge it. I wrote a personal note in each one, thanking them for coming to the funeral.

Id appreciate your thoughts xs

i dont think id respond tbh, its not for everybody and different families do these things differently

AulWan

I didn't think memorial cards was something that is really done any more - I know my family stopped doing them years and years ago - that's not to say there is anything wrong with doing them.

Were your inlaws close to your Dad?

I wouldn't expect to receive a memorial card like that in the post - I don't think I'd now how to respond, to be honest.

Sorry for your loss.

bertsmom

Gosh I've never responded to receiving a memorial card. I didn't know it was the thing to do.
I recently got one from my absolute best friend in the world and I didn't respond specifically to it. We meet every weekend possible though and speak of her mam and how she is coping with the loss and all the normal chats and catching up with each other but I just didn't think to mention the actual card.
Op I wouldn't think it's intentional just perhaps not what they do. Sorry for your loss of your Dad.

bbbaldy

I don't think a response is expected for a memory card.

whiskeyman

Agree with the rest.
I'd probably acknowledge next time I see you though, but even then I couldn't be sure.

It's horrible to say but time moves on fast for everyone else.
It's nice that friends got in touch, but doesn't necessarily mean others aren't thinking of you.


Is there another reason you're posting this?
What's your relationship with your in-laws like?
You mention they are close knit. Do you feel out of this loop?
Sounds like it's causing something else.

The chan chan man

Sorry for your loss. To be honest though I don’t respond to these things either.

jon1981

OP i lost my mother 9 months ago unexpectedly so i can probably relate somewhat to the loss you're suffering.
I only handed out memory cards to people who asked for one but i dont think I'd expect in laws to be that interested in one if I'm honest.

You're probably over sensitive right now given the year it has been for you and you want nothing more than people to remember and acknowledge the person you lost and love.

As another poster has said I'm sure they will acknowledge it in person when you see them next. I also wouldn't expect a response, in the past i wouldn't have responded either.

If I'm honest I've lowered my expectations on how people respond to these things.

In my opinion you are over reacting.

kulekat

Thanks for your replies.
Yes i guess im over reacting. Its a very difficult time. Thanks.

HildaOgdenx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it would have been thoughtful when they got the cards to drop you a text and see how you are doing. I would drop a text to a friend or in-law or give them a call to see how they were, in the situation you describe.

It is a very difficult time. Mind yourself.

Tork

What I'm going to say here is going to sound a bit cruel but that's not my intention. I know what it's like to have a parent die and to try and pick up the pieces afterwards. I'm going to try and give you a neutral perspective.

We had a conversation at home about sending out a memorial card and decided against it. We felt the majority of people who came to the funeral or gave us mass cards would not expect to get a memorial card in the first place. And even if we sent them one, what would they do with it? We used to get memorial cards at home and they'd all end up in the bin eventually. The only ones that my parents held onto were ones for their own parents and a handful of close friends. The rest got shoved in drawers or left in the same pile of papers as the ESB bill and bank statements. I hate to say it but most people don't value these cards.

Also, once a person dies the world moves on and they get forgotten about. Nobody apart from immediate family will continue to grieve for them. If your in-laws are like mine, they will not have known your father that well. And maybe they don't feel particularly close to you. Hopefully they like you but you're not really family as such. Especially if you're living away and don't see them that often.

I'm sorry for your loss. Anniversaries are tough times so be extra kind to yourself.

Rubberchikken

I've received memorial cards from relatives and friends. At no time did I bother thanking/texting them. I never felt it was necessary.

Each to their own

lurker2000

I'm obviously not running with the herd here but I think a text would have been thoughtful knowing how bereft you are. Sadly, in this busy world we live in, common courtesy gets sidelined far too often. But there is no need to look at it as a personal slight, they may have it in mind to mention it when they see you. When we feel down and vulnerable, these things loom larger than they would if we were in a better place.

LolaBean

OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my dad last year so I know how devastated you feel right now.

We gave out memorial cards for daddy; to the neighbours (close-knit rural community) we gave them when we saw them, so they just said thanks then. We posted them to family/friends living further away and they said thanks and commented on how nice they were the next time we happened to be chatting to them. They didn't ring or text specifically about it and I wouldn't have expected them to.

Where I live, memorial cards are something that is commonly done and expected, and when I get one I would always just try to mention it the next time I saw the person who sent them, while asking how they're doing etc.

So I don't think you're over-reacting, I know how upset and raw this feels right now and every little bit of kindness and mention of your dad means so much, but I also don't think you should be worried that they didn't specifically ring you about it. Hopefully they will mention it the next time they are talking to you. Also something I've come to realise since dad died is that some people can be very confused about what is the best thing to do with someone who is dealing with grief - sometimes people think bringing these things up will cause fresh pain and so just don't say anything. It's not ill-intentioned.

Hugs to you at this hard time x

forgodssake

I disagree with most posters here. I think if someone feels you are important enough to send a memorial card to , the very least u can do is send a thank you text. I know I have thanked the persons in the past. Sorry for your loss OP.

Daisy78

lurker2000 wrote: »

I'm obviously not running with the herd here but I think a text would have been thoughtful knowing how bereft you are. Sadly, in this busy world we live in, common courtesy gets sidelined far too often. But there is no need to look at it as a personal slight, they may have it in mind to mention it when they see you. When we feel down and vulnerable, these things loom larger than they would if we were in a better place.

I think it’s far more likely that they might mention it in person rather than in a text. Also they may not be particularly religious/traditional and may not place the same emphasis on a memorial card as the OP. I know my parents would still receive them but I don’t ever recall them acknowledging receipt of one by a text or indeed a phone call.

jon1981

forgodssake wrote: »

I disagree with most posters here. I think if someone feels you are important enough to send a memorial card to , the very least u can do is send a thank you text. I know I have thanked the persons in the past. Sorry for your loss OP.

Right, but thats how you respond. Doesn't mean it is the norm or the expectation.

Perhaps the people receiving the memorial card don't themselves agree with the level of importance you place on them. Perhaps they're uncomfortable with this situation. Perhaps they aren't aware there is an etiquette? ( there isn't ).

qwerty13

Daisy78 wrote: »

I think it’s far more likely that they might mention it in person rather than in a text. Also they may not be particularly religious/traditional and may not place the same emphasis on a memorial card as the OP. I know my parents would still receive them but I don’t ever recall them acknowledging receipt of one by a text or indeed a phone call.

Agreed. I would definitely not text or call someone to mention it. And I really would never thank them for it. It’s a personal thing that they chose to send, so it would never occur to me that thanks are necessary for a person highlighting their own memory of a family member.

I also think that tradition is dying out. So fewer people, even older ones, might respond in the way that the OP expects. Tbh I wouldn’t think that was the ‘norm’ from anyone. But especially from anyone 50 or under.

I’d imagine your friends were just being kind because you had reminded them about your parent’s death. Nothing to do with the memorial card as such.

the14thwarrior

it is not really the norm to respond back to a memorial card.
its nice to receive one, but i have never responded back, its not really expected.

i sent loads last year as my mam died, but i didn't get any responses back, and i wasn't expecting any. I received a few too, and didn't respond back.

It's always nice to think of family and send one.

bear in mind its an old tradition, and therefore the idea of texting back or calling on a mobile was never part of the old tradition, in that lots of people didn't have phones!

i think you are over reacting, but thats ok. and im sorry for your loss, its always a difficult time.

lunamoon

It has never even crossed my mind to thank someone for sending one of these cards.

JustAThought

I’m very sorry to hear you feel so hurt and abandoned KK.

I have never responded to a memorial card & it is definately not the norm to do so - it is I think the full stop in thd cycle of acknowledgements, mass cards, handwritten notes /texts , visits and funeral rites. If is so often the case that people will bring it up or mention it when you meet but equally if this is not often or on ‘happy’ family occasions people may not want to bring up sadness or not know how to introduce it into the conversation. It dosn’t mean they don’ t care or can’t sense your pain.

I disagree with Torc & although I have no particular place to ‘ file’ memorial cards and dostuff them in inside pockets and behind teapots and on ledges, I think it is a lovely tradition and am always touched when I am thought highly enough of to be sent one, and always say a quick prayer & spend poignant times thinking of the person and happy memories when I stumble across their memorial card.

Its easy to forget that in the 80’s, 90’s and early 2000’s people wern’t glued to phones and cameras the way we are now and for some people the memorial cards are a rare good photo of someone they loved or admired.

OP I’d say thd cards and words were appreciated but it is very out of the norm in the bereavement cycle to respond to them.

Are you having a months mind Mass ? Or perhaps an anniversary Mass in the house -do priests still do that? Might be a way to draw them in but equally you may be hurt more if they cannot attend due to work or family pressures. You can be sure they feel your pain and also had great respect for your dad and family by makng the journey to his funeral. Be a little less hard on yourself and them - grief is a hard emotion.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Jim Root

You are not thinking clearly and definitely over reacting. Mind yourself.