Brother is abusive, at my wits end

LegacyUser

I am at my wits end with my brother.

He is the youngest, and as a child he was very quiet. He struggled to socialise as he got older and suffered a lot with his mental health. As such we have always worried a lot about him.

He is now 29 and has never had a job. He still lives at home but refuses to help out in any way. It's just him and my Mam at home, but he's so bad that he won't even get out of bed to collect his dole, so she ends up having to pay for everything. She is extremely soft (quite a vulnerable person, suffered with depression all of her life) so its easy for him to take advantage of this.

She has asked him to help out more or at least get a job, but his response has been "You always think of yourself, why don't you go f*ck off." She told me she sits in her room crying some nights and it is breaking my heart. She has stopped leaving the house now, and I think he has a lot to do with it. She keeps telling me she doesn't know what she's going to do.

When I try to organise things like cinema trips between himself, myself and our dad, he shows up late and is usually in a horrible mood and ruins the evening. I have started to develop anxiety at the thought of being around him. He blames everyone else for his problems and is full of bitterness and anger. The last two Christmases he has ruined with his horrible moods, saying horrible things to people and storming out. We used to be so close, but I realised recently that I am actually afraid of him.

I've tried to talk to him about it but because of his poor mental health I've always tip toed around it because I worried so much about him. But I've finally realised that actually, he is an abusive selfish person who has taken complete advantage of us.

I just don't know what to do now that it's so far gone. I know it's a ridiculous situation. I know my mother and father should have been tougher on him. I know they've enabled this behaviour. But something has to change. It's not fair. I have told my Mam she needs to kick him out, but having never worked a job or had to pay a bill in his life he wouldn't survive. And I know she wouldn't do that.

I wondered if anyone has any advice? I really am at my wits end with him and I don't know what to do.

Xterminator

HI

He is your brother, but why do you organise things and include him if he doesn't want to be included, and it ruins you day too? Do nothing with him. You cannot force your parents to deal with him differently, you cannot change him. But you sure as hell can do what you need to so your own life is not any harder.

As for your mother, the root of her problem appears to be your brother, and she probably worries about what the future holds for him. You can understand all that. but unless he decides to make a change or they stop enabling him, it's going to continue. Just be there for her, maybe try to get her out of the house a little.

lainey_d_123

I don't have much advice but just to let you know I'm in the same situation and I know how it feels. I too have a brother who uses mental health as an excuse to be abusive and treat people like rubbish, and parents who have enabled and coddled him so long that he's never had to learn to be an adult. While the rest of us were working part time from about 14, doing chores and had to move out at 18 and pay for our own college, he just decided none of the rules applied to him, and basically refused to do anything. He's in his thirties now and has never worked. He is bitter and resentful at how his life has turned out and thinks he was treated worse than us when the opposite is true. He had money thrown at him, endless second chances, multiple goes at college, rent paid, cars bought for him, and he just squandered all of it. Same as your mother, my parents think he wouldn't survive if they cut him off, so he has them over a barrel.

It can be hard to deal with a person like this who thinks they are exempt from being criticised or acting like an adult because of 'mental health'. I wish it were more widely acknowledged that it's perfectly possible to have mental health issues and also just be a really horrible, selfish person. I deal with it by having minimal contact with him and avoiding him wherever possible. This does mean sometimes missing out on events but he ruins whatever he goes to anyway, so it's not a big loss.

It's really difficult to be a sibling to someone like this. There's an element of the parents getting what they deserved because of their lazy parenting, but the sibling is affected by something that isn't at all their fault. Not only did you suffer as a child but you're still suffering now from your parents' poor decisions and weakness. I think the most important thing is to let go of any guilt or any sense of obligation towards your brother. You don't owe him anything because you happen to have the same parents. Mine comes to me whenever he needs something and totally ignores me the rest of the time (literally months and months of no contact until he needs a favour) and I've come to learn that it's OK to ignore him or to say no. I'm important too. My mental health is important too.

HildaOgdenx

Xterminator wrote: »

HI

He is your brother, but why do you organise things and include him if he doesn't want to be included, and it ruins you day too? Do nothing with him. You cannot force your parents to deal with him differently, you cannot change him. But you sure as hell can do what you need to so your own life is not any harder.

As for your mother, the root of her problem appears to be your brother, and she probably worries about what the future holds for him. You can understand all that. but unless he decides to make a change or they stop enabling him, it's going to continue. Just be there for her, maybe try to get her out of the house a little.

I would echo this. I'm not sure there is anything you can do about him. I can well imagine it's a very difficult situation. I think the best you can do is anything that helps your mother, and focuses on her, and her wellbeing, rather than him. If you have any relatives with whom she would feel comfortable going out, that might help too.

All the best.

Sephiroth_dude

You're not alone, I live with an abusive 41 old alcoholic brother and he behaves like a teenager, abusive to my parents who are in their 70's on a daily basis, they are enabling him by putting up with his behaviour and not telling him to leave, much like your mother mine says the same about him not being able to survive on the streets etc, I have no relationship with him now which makes me sad as we were close growing up , all you can do is be there for your parents when they need you.

Mollyb60

I'm a little shocked and a lot saddened to see that there are others out there in the same position and worse. My brother is 34, his longest job maybe lasted 2 months. He's addicted to weed and is an alcoholic. Whilst he's not abusive like some of your family members (thank god), he has no interest in getting out of my parents house. He stays in his room all the time and rarely leaves the house. When discussing it with my mother at the weekend she said that when her and my father pass away there'll be a caveat written into the will so that we can't sell the house and have to allow my brother to live there for the rest of his life. When I told her that he'd have the house turned into a drug den within a month, she accepted this and said that she didn't care, she wasn't going to see him on the streets. So myself and my other siblings will be just left to be responsible for him when they die. Great.

OP I totally sympathise with your situation. The only bit of advice I can give is to try get your mother out of the house as much as possible, shopping, for coffee/dinner, visiting friends, holidays. You could maybe speak to her GP and tell him/her that you're concerned about her wellbeing in the house with your brother. As for you, I think you should try to distance yourself from him as much as possible. You've tried your best to accommodate him but if he's not willing to accept how his behaviour affects his family and take steps to address that then there's not much you can do. It's such a tough situation but he's an adult.

r93kaey5p2izun

I also have a brother in his 30s who has never worked, has mental health problems he refuses to seek treatment for, and who is abusive, coercive and violent to me and my elderly parents. He receives no dole or disability because he refuses to attend any appointments. I have no advice for you, but just adding my experience to show it's not uncommon.

I see it as a hopeless situation and I have no idea how I will cope when my parents are gone. I have been down every avenue in seeking help and support for him and my parents, but I now believe there is no support or help available. If you cut him loose and he sinks into homelessness etc then you will be criticised and pilloried for abandoning someone with mental health issues; if you continue to subsidise him you will be dismissed as an enabler and told to to suck it up. My experience is that society, in particular our state agencies, health service and gardai, will expect and encourage you to take the latter option. My parents have already given up on life over it.