Feeling so bad

Jenneke87

Sorry for posting yet another thread, you must be getting sick of me my now, I just feel so horrible.

I feel like I have so many issues that it's never going to get better. I'm attending therapy but it feels like an uphill battle, really. Today I got told I was ugly....again. I've been bullied since elementary school for not being pretty and it has never really stopped. I know I'm not good looking, no need to constantly remind me of it. I'm one of those girls who never really looks pretty, no matter the amount of make-up, nice clothes etc. I dread having to look in the mirror and just try to avoid it. It's the comments that get me down the most, along with the treatment from other people, you know, where they feel like they have to talk to me just to get a shot at my prettier siblings or whomever I'm with. It's so obvious they don't want to talk, so obvious someone else told them to talk to me so I don't get left out. The poor things, they look so uncomfortable, they don't really listen, so I just tell them:" Look, I can tell X told you to talk to me, I can see you don't want to, you can stop now, and they'll breath a sigh of relief. It's a lonely place to be, I rarely go out these days anymore.

I also feel very jealous of my (much more) gorgeous sisters. One is an absolute showstopper and has men fawning over her wherever she goes. She snared a very well earning lawyer and has a great career (even her boss rings her to ask her advice on private matters), whereas I can go weeks without speaking to anyone. She's also a very talented dancer and singer and gets rave reviews on her website. They call her "The Angel" because of her voice, I get called ugly, weird, etc..I don't really have any real talents. I can play the harp okay and make historically inspired embroideries and paintings, not really interesting stuff, but it's what I like..

I have a boyfriend, I don't know how. We really do love each other but our sex life is depressing due to sex being extremely painful for me. He doesn't seem to grasp how bad it is. I feel like I should just let him go so he can find someone better but being selfish, I can't he's the only one good thing I have left. Without him, I'd be all alone. That is more than I can handle right now.

My younger sister had a baby last year. I'm delighted for her, he's absolutely gorgeous and such a clever little thing! I can't have children; I've had multiple abortions due to complications with the pregnancy and I have a suspicion I may have miscarried the day before yesterday. I became very sick and had incredibly stomach cramps, way heavier than I normally would. She also got proposed to in Spain...My boyfriend is very much against marriage, I would very much like to get married someday, but it looks like that is another thing I'm gonna have to give up on as well. If we were to break up, I sincerely doubt I would find someone due to my looks and issues surrounding sex...

Sometimes I wish I could just be someone else for a day, so that I wouldn't get called ugly and feel so depressed and in pain all the time. Don't even know what I'm looking for, I just want to vent here, because I don't have anyone in real life and they don't really understand the problem. How could they? They are all gorgeous and successful..

afterglow

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Sorry for posting yet another thread, you must be getting sick of me my now, I just feel so horrible.

I feel like I have so many issues that it's never going to get better. I'm attending therapy but it feels like an uphill battle, really. Today I got told I was ugly....again. I've been bullied since elementary school for not being pretty and it has never really stopped. I know I'm not good looking, no need to constantly remind me of it. I'm one of those girls who never really looks pretty, no matter the amount of make-up, nice clothes etc. I dread having to look in the mirror and just try to avoid it. It's the comments that get me down the most, along with the treatment from other people, you know, where they feel like they have to talk to me just to get a shot at my prettier siblings or whomever I'm with. It's so obvious they don't want to talk, so obvious someone else told them to talk to me so I don't get left out. The poor things, they look so uncomfortable, they don't really listen, so I just tell them:" Look, I can tell X told you to talk to me, I can see you don't want to, you can stop now, and they'll breath a sigh of relief. It's a lonely place to be, I rarely go out these days anymore.

I also feel very jealous of my (much more) gorgeous sisters. One is an absolute showstopper and has men fawning over her wherever she goes. She snared a very well earning lawyer and has a great career (even her boss rings her to ask her advice on private matters), whereas I can go weeks without speaking to anyone. She's also a very talented dancer and singer and gets rave reviews on her website. They call her "The Angel" because of her voice, I get called ugly, weird, etc..I don't really have any real talents. I can play the harp okay and make historically inspired embroideries and paintings, not really interesting stuff, but it's what I like..

I have a boyfriend, I don't know how. We really do love each other but our sex life is depressing due to sex being extremely painful for me. He doesn't seem to grasp how bad it is. I feel like I should just let him go so he can find someone better but being selfish, I can't he's the only one good thing I have left. Without him, I'd be all alone. That is more than I can handle right now.

My younger sister had a baby last year. I'm delighted for her, he's absolutely gorgeous and such a clever little thing! I can't have children; I've had multiple abortions due to complications with the pregnancy and I have a suspicion I may have miscarried the day before yesterday. I became very sick and had incredibly stomach cramps, way heavier than I normally would. She also got proposed to in Spain...My boyfriend is very much against marriage, I would very much like to get married someday, but it looks like that is another thing I'm gonna have to give up on as well. If we were to break up, I sincerely doubt I would find someone due to my looks and issues surrounding sex...

Sometimes I wish I could just be someone else for a day, so that I wouldn't get called ugly and feel so depressed and in pain all the time. Don't even know what I'm looking for, I just want to vent here, because I don't have anyone in real life and they don't really understand the problem. How could they? They are all gorgeous and successful..

Hi again @Jenneke87

I have read, and commented on 1 other thread of your’s, not sure about anymore

Not diagnosing anything here, no-one here can, it’s an Internet forum, but it seems to me, from now this thread, and remembering the last one you wrote, you don’t seem to have any self esteem, or self worth

Instead of writing that you wish you could be someone else for a day, know that you are good enough, and worthy and worth being happy and loved for just who you are
You write, yet again, about this boyfriend of your’s
I remember seeing some unhelpful responses when you posted your last thread, people who have clearly never dealt with your issues
While only a trained medical professional can actually diagnose some of what you *may* be going through, and you write about attending therapy but its, as you say am ‘ up hill ‘ struggle, might I, kindly suggest, that we could have all the best psychiatrists, counsellors, even sex therapists in our corners, and yes, therapy will do wonders, but only if *we* are prepared to put in the work

Re your bf, don’t think you should let him go, know that he should have more understanding of your situation, and ‘ want ‘ to be with you through it, so when it gets fixed, you can celebrate and have the intimacy you should have together
If you don’t think this, or if he’s not going to realise what he has enough to want to work with you, then never mind *letting* him go, so he can find someone better, how about doing that, so you can?
When I went through sex therapy I did have a partner at the time, and my therapist made a statement I’ve never forgotten, even to this day. He said women with the condition.i had, were always with gentlemen
4 years after our break-up, he’s happily moved on and with someone else, I still think as highly of him now, as I did then, and 100 percent agree, he was just that, a gentleman, and just bloody amazing!
If that’s not what you have, then find it, but know that this person right now, doesn’t deserve you, not that you should let them go to find someone else, this speaks to how low you are just now, and why you possibly, are not seeing things as they really are
I could try to write very eloquently about the both, very sad points you made, about not being pretty, and knowing no-one wants to talk to you.... I’m sure other people here will do that but it’s just after 5AM, and I’m wondering why Braille shorthand isn’t working on a qwerty keyboard,that doesn’t know Braille commands, so I’ll just say this, bearing in mind that up to 2 weeks ago roughly, i had a different set of issues, but my posts, all, same as your’s, i was in the depths of depression, feeling suicidal most days, reasons not important,
If we think we are ugly, or not pretty, and think we are not worthy of being talked to, or acknowledged, even without knowing we are, what do you think sent out into the world?
Exactly that
What I’m saying is, therapy is a wonderful tool, and I’m not saying you haven’t still more to gain from it, what I’m saying though, is in some areas, we have to be prepared to do some work ourselves
When we feel confident, and worthy of respect, and have some self esteem, even without us saying anything about those things, we radiate them out, at least i think we do anyway. It comes out as confidence, being self-assured etc
Even the bit in your post about not being able to cope if your boyfriend left, made me sad, because you say you couldn’t handle that, he’s the only good thing etc, i put it to you, if he’s not human enough to show some empathy and understand, at least your physical struggles, not to speak of anything else, it’s not you that doesn’t deserve him
Strikes me with or without him, some serious self work is needed, and this is not to make Yu feel bad, quite the opposite, because if i can come from where i was to where i am now, in just a few short weeks, still with hurdles to overcome, but realising at last, i have to make myself happy and hole, so that anything else, relationships etc, that come along are ‘ nice ‘ to have, not necessary, that i have to put myself first and be ok with me first, before i can expect anyone else to, then anyone can
I hated myself so much, i was absolutely 100 percent convinced the world would be a better place without me here, now i know i have to want to find reasons, not people, to want to stick around for
Main reason for doing that is my family, and finding reasons not people to stay around for, is because apart from family, all other relationships *can* come and go, i know now, i need to find things to enjoy and anything else is a bonus
I need to get to the point where i can say I’m alright on my own, then anything else will be a bonus
Of course i am not for a second saying you abandon your boyfriend, just asking you to think critically about what you’re getting from the relationship right now, apart from feeling you’re not good enough sexually....
you should be being uplifted and supported not told things are ‘ your ‘ issue, so ‘ no i won't be going to any therapy thank you very much “
That’ is not what a good relationship is, but the one you have with you isn’t great just now either
I really hope you can work on the self esteem and self-worth with your therapist, and really, hole-heartedly, i wish you so much success with it all, and from someone who’s been where you are, things can get better, they really, really can, you just have to know it, and more than that, know you’re worthy of, and deserve it, and everything that goes with it

Aseth

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Today I got told I was ugly....again. I've been bullied since elementary school for not being pretty and it has never really stopped. I know I'm not good looking, no need to constantly remind me of it.
(...)
I have a boyfriend, I don't know how. (...) I feel like I should just let him go so he can find someone better but being selfish, I can't he's the only one good thing I have left. Without him, I'd be all alone. That is more than I can handle right now.

Hi OP, perhaps someone already wrote this[sorry I didn't read your previous threads] but I know plenty very average or not even, looking people who have partners, kids, families. I myself am totally average looking and there are days when I feel old and ugly. But maybe you should stop concentrating so much on your looks and concentrate on your self esteem. All those people have one thing in common - they are pleasant to be around, friendly, interesting. Nobody even thinks about how they look as it absolutely doesn't matter. I think you spend too much time in your head, imagining how your life would be if only you were more attractive and instead you should maybe simply start living your life. Concentrate on your work, hobbies, family, building confidence.

ILoveYourVibes

Jennecke. No one is sick of you.

Ask your sister to tell you all the things she loves about you. It might help. Love is the most faithful mirror.

Maybe writing and expressing things through art would help.

Some of what you say ..is natural. The baby issues etc. I think anyone would feel this way.

About your self esteem and the way you look etc. I think self esteem comes and goes. But you have to feed the stronger part of it. don't feed the negative thoughts.

Maybe try and find some people who make you feel good.