Newish girlfriend not invited to old friend's wedding

bitofabind

Is there some deeper context that we're missing here OP?

Reading between the lines here and I'm wondering if your friend and/or his fiancee knew or were friendly with your ex wife. Maybe they're uncomfortable with you bringing along your new partner out of loyalty to the ex?

Doesn't sound like you spent any time being single after the marriage breakdown, which is your business. But it can make for quite the political situation amongst old friends when there's a relationship breakdown followed by a new partner on the scene very soon in the aftermath.

Of course your friend could have very practical reasons for not inviting your new girlfriend to the wedding, but I'm sensing there could be deeper reasons too. Will your ex-wife or friends of your ex-wife be there?

cannotlogin

I have a very strong feeling that your friend will be in your life a lot longer than your girlfriend.

Go to the wedding alone.

Life is too short to put up with someone so immature and dramatic. How does she cope with the big issues in life if not being invited to a strangers wedding causes this severe a reaction? They are complete strangers to her, never met and she's a relatively new addition to your own life. I honestly think she needs to get over herself.

Your girlfriend is completely out of order. i've been with my partner a lot longer than 7 months and i still wouldn't like to presume he comes as my +1 to weddings, and neither would he
Your friend stood by you. don't wreck your good friendship over someone who may be out of the picture in another 7 months.

and for the love of all that's holy, do NOT start on at him about it on the stag
figure something out and keep your mouth shut to him

ILoveYourVibes

bluewolf wrote: »

Your girlfriend is completely out of order. i've been with my partner a lot longer than 7 months and i still wouldn't like to presume he comes as my +1 to weddings, and neither would he
Your friend stood by you. don't wreck your good friendship over someone who may be out of the picture in another 7 months.

and for the love of all that's holy, do NOT start on at him about it on the stag
figure something out and keep your mouth shut to him

Would it be evil of him to say to the gf he isn't going ?? Then go and not tell her.

I know NORMAL people have this thing about telling the truth. But it would solve a lot.

Am I evil?

lainey_d_123

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Would it be evil of him to say to the gf he isn't going ?? Then go and not tell her.

I know NORMAL people have this thing about telling the truth. But it would solve a lot.

Am I evil?

Then where will he say he is on the day of the wedding? You think she isn't going to put 2 and 2 together? :rolleyes:

ILoveYourVibes

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Then where will he say he is on the day of the wedding? You think she isn't going to put 2 and 2 together? :rolleyes:

DAMN! It was almost perfect! :pac:

I can't imagine inviting an old friend but not their partner.

Good luck, OP.

ILoveYourVibes

Maybe you guys need a break.

zoobizoo

Don't just go to the afters OP.

You'll miss the important part of the wedding ie the ceremony. .

I had 2 dear old friends who couldn't make my wedding day and you know it made the day a little less special for me.

ILoveYourVibes

Dog day wrote: »

Calling somebody out on such obvious bad behaviour isn’t a moral judgement nor is it putting someone in their place, the latter isn’t appreciated by either gender!

Yeah but i would say she would be the type to eat the op alive if he did that.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I can't imagine inviting an old friend but not their partner.

Good luck, OP.

Imagine the friend has had a wife (who let's presume you also know quite well) until recently and you're trying to keep within a budget for your own special day.

You're not going to be going out of your way to invite randomers that you saw in an Instagram post with your friend.

LegacyUser

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You separated from your wife in the middle of last year and you have a girlfriend of 7 months? So you have been seeing her pretty much the entire time since you've been separated? Was she involved in the separation?

I have a feeling there's a bit more to all of this than meets the eye, to be honest, OP.

I'm sure that would be more entertaining for people who get involved in these threads but no, there isn't really "more to this than meets the eye". I've told every possible relevant detail already

I met this girl from scratch a couple of months after separating. No-one ****ed anyone over, no-one has bad blood with anyone, I'm amicable with my ex and the engaged couple have strictly always been "my" friends with no sort of divided loyalty type thing at all going on.
Happy to disappoint you.

LegacyUser

secman wrote: »

OP...just an observation have you applied for a pass for the stags , by the sounds of it you might encounter resistance on that ? That would be a pointer as to where the relationship is going ....

Zero issue about going on the stag, I'm a considerate partner but I'm not the type to consider that to even be on the table as an "ask for permission" thing.

LegacyUser

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Or he really doesn't include her.

It kind of sounds like he is putting his friends that he hasn't seen in ten yrs before her.

I don't know where you're getting the "haven't seen in 10 years" from, take the time to read what I posted.
I said he's BEEN my friend for more than that long. I saw him a thousand times in that ten years, just not really in the last 1.

I haven't yet put anyone in front of anyone - I was dealt a hand I didn't choose with this invite thing and am figuring out how to make the best of it, hence the thread here.

LegacyUser

can't log in wrote: »

Hold up OP this is rather important background information. So this couple came to your wedding and you are only separated since last year and none of these friends have met your new GF. I'm not surprised they only invited you, they must think you've only been going out with this girl a few months seeing as your only separated a short time and they most likely thought it would be awkward to be at a wedding of friends who attend your wedding. Now maybe they were thinking of you or maybe just themselves when they issued the invite, regardless it makes more sense they just invited you. Your GF's reaction doesn't seem as OTT now as it's clear you've not gone super public with your relationship and she probably feels quite hurt about it.

This isn't about the wedding so don't go back to the couple looking for her to be invited, they aren't the issue, the wedding isn't the issue. The issue here is what is the story with this relationship. Has she meet other friends of yours? Has she met family? Is she feeling like she's going to be blamed for the break up of your marriage?

You sound so surprised about things I explained already. This previously married thing isn't as juicy as you're thinking I'm afraid.
If you take the time to read my post you'll hopefully understand that I was trying to say I went through a period of isolation from most of my old friends in the lead up to and after the end of the marriage. We're at exactly that point in life where people are organising getting their houses, their weddings, having their babies, and probably working harder than ever too all the while. So the weddings ARE the occasions where we catch up.

Yes, she has met my family. Anything else?

At the moment the wedding IS the issue actually, she was happy as can be the last while until this popped up.
Nobody on a messageboard can assess my long term relationship through a few posts I type on my phone and even if they did have enough information I wouldn't trust online strangers biases to be instructive on something as big as that. So spare me the grand assumptions and assesments on the relationship - I wanted to ask about the etiquette around a wedding invitation and that's all. Thank you

Ellie2008

I think a lot of posters keep overlooking an important point here. Regardless of cost there is a cap on numbers. I know from experience that venues have to enforce those caps. So after family & their own friends this couple presumably had to cut out a certain number of plus ones. And I think it’s understandable not to include someone they’ve never met who you have only been dating for less than a year.

Regarding this couple as the groom has been a good friend I wouldn’t ask him again, it puts unnecessary pressure on him & also gives a bad first impression of your GF. I think you should go to the whole wedding, it’s an important day for the couple & I think you should prioritise being there. I think the groom inviting your GF to what he could reflects that he values your friendship. I definitely wouldn’t start messing around by asking if your GF can have your seat how awkward. It’s their day, she isn’t a priority. The priority should be your relationship with the couple.

Regarding your relationship it all seems a bit serious considering 1) you are recently separated, and 2) you’ve only been together 7 months. The wedding issue may well be cultural differences but I would advise explaining how Irish weddings work & caps on numbers etc. & leaving it at that. This isn’t about you & your GF you can’t get her a full invitation to someone else’s event.

In short, you should go to the whole day. Whether your girlfriend choose to go to the afters is completely up to her. If she doesn’t grand, it’s not about her.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Is there some deeper context that we're missing here OP?

Reading between the lines here and I'm wondering if your friend and/or his fiancee knew or were friendly with your ex wife. Maybe they're uncomfortable with you bringing along your new partner out of loyalty to the ex?

Doesn't sound like you spent any time being single after the marriage breakdown, which is your business. But it can make for quite the political situation amongst old friends when there's a relationship breakdown followed by a new partner on the scene very soon in the aftermath.

Of course your friend could have very practical reasons for not inviting your new girlfriend to the wedding, but I'm sensing there could be deeper reasons too. Will your ex-wife or friends of your ex-wife be there?

No. I sense there's really nothing like that. They only knew my ex through me and only saw her a few times at special occasions, they will probably never see or speak to her again. Sorry.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

testtestfeb2020b wrote: »

Zero issue about going on the stag, I'm a considerate partner but I'm not the type to consider that to even be on the table as an "ask for permission" thing.

Be prepared though, down the line it might be easier to 'ask for permission' to do things or not do them altogether than to put up with the hissy fit.

These things usually happen gradually, you will change so much over time just to placate a 'fiery' partner.

LegacyUser

Bishop Ripe Snake wrote: »

Be prepared though, down the line it might be easier to 'ask for permission' to do things or not do them altogether than to put up with the hissy fit.

These things usually happen gradually, you will change so much over time just to placate a 'fiery' partner.

Yeah I fully understand that, I've been around a few different kinds of blocks over the years, seen how it goes. I'm wary of the long term arc indeed. Hope for the best, etc

pwurple

I think your friend is in the wrong here.

If there was ANY confusion about whether you were still married, if you were back with your wife, if you had a new girlfriend, if your partner had dropped dead but they hadn't heard it from you, a phonecall was the right thing to do before sending invites. It is extremely presumptuous to send an invite in a solo name, especially if you were at that person's wedding. The actual lighting cheek of it. I've phoned people whose partner was deceased and asked them if they wanted to bring someone along, a friend etc. Loads of people don't like showing up to events like these alone in the first place. They either go in a group, or with a partner. And look at the hurt and upset it's causing now. Courtesy and manners are there to avoid this kind of social awkwardness.

Yes, your girlfriend is clearly quite vocal and passionate, and feels insulted (because it does imply she is not a 'serious' partner in your life).

But this is a clear faux pas the bride and groom have made, so she is in my opinion somewhat justified.... although maybe not expressing it as we Irish would.


I don't think it's kind to exclude her, so I would probably not go.

fishy_fishy

If there was a thread over in weddings forum, and someone said they'd a guest asking for a plus one, and this guest had been having a tough time with a separation and wanted to bring the new girlfriend that nobody had ever met... but that would mean X, Y or Z for the couple (be it cost or capped guests) .. the advice would unanimously be that the guest is out of line for asking...

Depending on the couple, getting a guest list down to limits can be tough. As can paying for those guests. OP needs to show her about wedding norms here - plenty of forums full of guest list culling dilemmas!! And she needs to grow up and accept that not every culture is the same, and it's very normal here for people to not have a +1 if they haven't been with their partner for very long (or at all if the list is tight).

TheW1zard

Dump her pal.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

I think your friend is in the wrong here.

If there was ANY confusion about whether you were still married, if you were back with your wife, if you had a new girlfriend, if your partner had dropped dead but they hadn't heard it from you, a phonecall was the right thing to do before sending invites. It is extremely presumptuous to send an invite in a solo name, especially if you were at that person's wedding. The actual lighting cheek of it. I've phoned people whose partner was deceased and asked them if they wanted to bring someone along, a friend etc. Loads of people don't like showing up to events like these alone in the first place. They either go in a group, or with a partner. And look at the hurt and upset it's causing now. Courtesy and manners are there to avoid this kind of social awkwardness.

Yes, your girlfriend is clearly quite vocal and passionate, and feels insulted (because it does imply she is not a 'serious' partner in your life).

But this is a clear faux pas the bride and groom have made, so she is in my opinion somewhat justified.... although maybe not expressing it as we Irish would.


I don't think it's kind to exclude her, so I would probably not go.

I see your point for sure about them checking with me and how it can suck to go alone. I've already done one friend's wedding alone last year after my previous relationship and got through it okay, even had fun, I think it will only get easier. But I do relate to what you're saying. and especially if I think about the fact that they attended mine (and were invited to the south america leg of it too, though didn't go), though mine was less formal and more inexpensive. I don't really want to start getting into any kind of "how dare they" thinking either way, to be honest. That's not good for me or anyone.
They are two of the most understanding, compassionate people I know and I honestly doubt they would hold any sort of grudge against me if I didn't go, especially if I indicated I just wasn't up for going it alone.


I think I've got all the perspectives I could possibly need on it now, thank you to anyone who replied with something thoughtful.
I'll consider my options and do the right thing, or close as possible to it.


<Mod snip>

woodchuck

Mod note:

@ILoveYourVibes, gender generalisations such as those quoted below are not welcome in PI.

In addition, there was a lot of back and forth from you earlier. Please refrain from posting again if purely just to reply to other posters. A one liner at the end of a post to the OP doesn't count as staying on topic.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Doesn't really matter she is still going to give him a headache about it. If he can stand that ..then go. She'll forget ..all women forget eventually.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am just making suggestions without moral judgement. If she is out of line ..then he can tell her etc ..but women don't react well to 'being put in their place' even if its the truth etc.

@OP, if you have a problem with a post, create an account and report it. Backseat modding is not permitted and therefore I have not been able to approve a couple of your posts.

I think it's very wrong to invite an adult without a plus one to a wedding unless it's a group of friends from work or something.

I think you shouldn't have mentioned it to the groom and definitely dont mention it again to him.

I've a feeling that even if you wangled an invite now your girlfriend probably wouldn't go anyway and you'll be in a worse position.

Who does the groom expect you to hang out with/sit with at the meal ,church etc?Would you feel awkward on your own, weddings can be awkward anyway imo.

Ellie2008

pwurple wrote: »

I think your friend is in the wrong here.

If there was ANY confusion about whether you were still married, if you were back with your wife, if you had a new girlfriend, if your partner had dropped dead but they hadn't heard it from you, a phonecall was the right thing to do before sending invites. It is extremely presumptuous to send an invite in a solo name, especially if you were at that person's wedding. The actual lighting cheek of it. I've phoned people whose partner was deceased and asked them if they wanted to bring someone along, a friend etc. Loads of people don't like showing up to events like these alone in the first place. They either go in a group, or with a partner. And look at the hurt and upset it's causing now. Courtesy and manners are there to avoid this kind of social awkwardness.

Yes, your girlfriend is clearly quite vocal and passionate, and feels insulted (because it does imply she is not a 'serious' partner in your life).

But this is a clear faux pas the bride and groom have made, so she is in my opinion somewhat justified.... although maybe not expressing it as we Irish would.


I don't think it's kind to exclude her, so I would probably not go.

Sorry but I don’t agree with this. Would it have been nice if the groom had thought to explain it? Yes of course. But it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. By the sounds of thing his extent of knowledge about their relationship is him possibly seeing Instagram pictures. Plus when asked to he included the GF in as much of the wedding as he could working within the cap & it seems he was gracious about it.

It’s not about “being kind” they don’t have a space to invite a plus one who has only been dating their friend for 7 months to their wedding.

Ellie2008

testtesfeb2020a wrote: »

I see your point for sure about them checking with me and how it can suck to go alone. I've already done one friend's wedding alone last year after my previous relationship and got through it okay, even had fun, I think it will only get easier. But I do relate to what you're saying. and especially if I think about the fact that they attended mine (and were invited to the south america leg of it too, though didn't go), though mine was less formal and more inexpensive. I don't really want to start getting into any kind of "how dare they" thinking either way, to be honest. That's not good for me or anyone.
They are two of the most understanding, compassionate people I know and I honestly doubt they would hold any sort of grudge against me if I didn't go, especially if I indicated I just wasn't up for going it alone.


I think I've got all the perspectives I could possibly need on it now, thank you to anyone who replied with something thoughtful.
I'll consider my options and do the right thing, or close as possible to it.


<Mod snip>

Honestly OP if they are that nice go to their wedding! Prioritise good friends for 12-16 hours of your life & work it out (or not) with your GF separately.

pwurple

Ellie2008 wrote: »

Sorry but I don’t agree with this. Would it have been nice if the groom had thought to explain it? Yes of course. But it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. By the sounds of thing his extent of knowledge about their relationship is him possibly seeing Instagram pictures. Plus when asked to he included the GF in as much of the wedding as he could working within the cap & it seems he was gracious about it.

It’s not about “being kind” they don’t have a space to invite a plus one who has only been dating their friend for 7 months to their wedding.

It was the OP I was advising to be kind.

What is the acceptable time limit is for one to be invited to a wedding of a best friend? In my experience, as people get older that time of how long you are going out to be considered serious shortens quite a bit...

We've all worked within a venue cap, it's unpleasant to cut some people's partners and not others. Cut the work colleague to the afters, not the lifelong friends partners surely? Or, don't invite friends to that event at all if you can't fit them all. Make it family only, and have a different get together for them. There are ways to make it work.

I can only imagine the photos afterwards would be another slap in the face to this woman and you would need to explain who everyone was and how long they were all going out. I can't see it doing your relationship any good if you go.

It's not ok to send a solo invite to someone with a partner.

when I was getting married we didn't restrict anyone but did insist on getting an RSVP well in advance for seating, etc.

amdublin

Omg your girlfriend sounds like a complate headmelt.

Yes ideally she would have been invited. But no she wasn't. It's unfortunate that you have been going out some while but not a huge length of time that your friend invited her. Such is life.

She sounds immature. I wonder will that ever change?

Is this what you want in a relationship?