Old friend’s wedding abroad in August

CBear1993

I’ve been friends with these lad 10 years. We both grew up in the same area, it was actually his younger brother I was best friends with first, and still am, who is closer to my age.

Anyway this lad has moved away to London about 3 -4 years now. He has barely ever came home. Forgot about all the lads. We’d always whatsapp and keep in touch, but he has never made the effort to come and see me in Dublin. I’ve been over to London to visit him 3 times.

He’s quite a selfish lad, as I say he has never been home much to bother with anyone since he left. He came home for a lads wedding last week, flew in Saturday morning, left the wedding after dinner before having a drink with anyone, and flew straight out again on Sunday morning to London. 24 hour job.

That’s the way he always operates, in and out in 24 hours. I know his parents very well and they’re great people, his older brother recently had the first grandchild in the family, he’s barely visited his new nephew. None of my business!

Anyway - his stag party is next month. He’s asked me to go- a very strange crowd - all English lads he now works with and wouldn’t know that long. He invited no lads from home here that he grew up with except me.

Still rags me that he was over in Dublin on his staff party in November and never bothered visiting me and the girlfriend in our apartment while he was there. We were over at a gig in London in October and he avoided my texts and never met us at all.
.
Again - not many lads from home asked, very little details given. Yet expects us all to fly over on the Thursday, wedding isn’t til Saturday, back to London for day 2 (which happens to be my 27th birthday on the Sunday). And pay £320 for 2 nights in this **** old English mansion.

He acts differently with her, it’s as if he’s trying to hide the old streak in him that was a bit wild, drinking etc. and he doesn’t want her or her family to see the Irish craic side of things. I think that’s why he wants no lads from home there.

I’m considering telling him how it is, he never asks how I’m getting on in life. I’m the only one ever keeps in contact with him but he gives notbing back in return. I’ve been a good friend over the years, when he struggled after first moving to London and breaking up with his first girlfriend I was there to support, he went into a bit of depression and I made sure his parents went over.

Am I over reacting and being petty? Not sure who else to say it to, keen to hear if I’m being a kn*b about it all and a bad friend!

Loveinapril

You are very judgemental of his life choices and it doesn't sound like he has been a good friend to you so I would wonder why you are that bothered staying friends or spending loads of money going to his stag and wedding. And his relationship with "the lads" really isn't your business.

BuboBubo

You obviously don't want to go, so don't. No point going over to the UK to meet with a load of lads you don't know in the arße hole of nowhere.

Politely decline, before leaving the "chat group" wish him the best of luck on his stag and upcoming wedding.

It's pointless spending all that money doing something you don't want to do. Your friend? doesn't seem to put himself out for anyone else, so just decline - nicely.

ILoveYourVibes

Just say you can't go. No need to make a fuss about it or be petty.

Just say sorry i can't make it. A lot on this summer etc. All the best.

Just decline both events. He sounds like a waste of your time but you don’t need to tell him how it is, just go neither and leave it at that. I’d just cut him off after that if he annoys you that much.

bitofabind

With respect OP, this is kinda just life. People emigrate and put roots down elsewhere, meet new people and have new priorities. For some people detaching is a necessary part of building a life abroad, for others staying in touch is a little easier to manage.

This guy has moved on and isn't prioritising his friendships back home and you kinda just have to accept that. It's no reflection on anyone, it's just who he is. Doesn't sound like you're particularly keen on attending the wedding and if that's the case, I wouldn't be going out of any sense of loyalty if it's going to amount to you being bored and miserable. Just make some polite excuses and exit the group whatsapp.

Tork

The answer to this is actually very simple but I don't think you want to go that route. A polite "Thank you for the invitation, sorry but I can't come" isn't going to work, is it? You've built up a lot of anger and resentment towards this guy and you see this wedding invite as a vehicle to air your grievances. All I'm seeing here is a load of bitter venting and judgemental commentary on somebody you don't seem to like very much now. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this is a minor character assassination of your so-called friend.

My advice to you is to politely decline the invitation and to concentrate on your other friends. Don't fall out with him because you seem to have ongoing contact with the rest of his family. That'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Instead, it's time to let him drift and become an acquaintance, rather than the friend he'll never be.


Incidentally, you have put up an awful lot of specific detail here. Someone who knows him would be able to identify him from what you told us.

jj880

You're overthinking it. It sounds like you dont want to go and wouldnt enjoy yourself if you did. Say you cant make it and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

You sound full of undue resentment. It's a bad look for you for your own sake, firstly if nothing else.

And it actually sounds like your friend still makes more effort than you're giving credit for. coming in and out for special occasions within 24hrs isn't necessarily everyone's idea of taking the easy way out - people have busy lives and travelling that much within a short timeframe is way less enjoyable than staying a while longer, so he's possibly putting himself out even more than you'd like to believe.

Step back and have a hard look at why you yourself resent this guy and where his life has gone.

Probably make your apologies to politely decline, neither of you need to be keeping up that unfulfilling kind of relationship tbh. Nobody owes anyone anything, life's too short for that outlook.

CBear1993

Thanks for all of your contributions. Common theme seems to be to deal with it simply and politely, which I will. You learn a lot from writing / typing something out and getting feedback from strangers with different perspectives.

Thank you.

Tork

I still think you should edit out a lot of the identifying details in the post in case someone figures out who you all are. You left a gold mine of unnecessary detail out there.

For what it's worth, your (former?) friend doesn't sound like he's particularly pushed about staying friends with you. The friendship looks to be unbalanced and I think that's feeding into your annoyance, I get the feeling he invited you as a box ticking exercise and that really he doesn't care whether you go or not. I also think that if you cut back on your WhatsApp messages to him, it wouldn't be long before you lost touch.

CBear1993

Tork wrote: »

I still think you should edit out a lot of the identifying details in the post in case someone figures out who you all are. You left a gold mine of unnecessary detail out there.

For what it's worth, your (former?) friend doesn't sound like he's particularly pushed about staying friends with you. The friendship looks to be unbalanced and I think that's feeding into your annoyance, I get the feeling he invited you as a box ticking exercise and that really he doesn't care whether you go or not. I also think that if you cut back on your WhatsApp messages to him, it wouldn't be long before you lost touch.

Yeah I did already take out the exact details at the top of this thread before your post.

Yep I agree.

bitofabind

bitofabind wrote: »

With respect OP, this is kinda just life. People emigrate and put roots down elsewhere, meet new people and have new priorities. For some people detaching is a necessary part of building a life abroad, for others staying in touch is a little easier to manage.

This guy has moved on and isn't prioritising his friendships back home and you kinda just have to accept that. It's no reflection on anyone, it's just who he is. Doesn't sound like you're particularly keen on attending the wedding and if that's the case, I wouldn't be going out of any sense of loyalty if it's going to amount to you being bored and miserable. Just make some polite excuses and exit the group whatsapp.

That's all fair enough but he made that choice and shouldn't expect anyone to be a 'rent a mate' when it suits.

Op, it seems very obvious this guy wants out of your friendship and the fact that he doesn't stay with you should be a hint that maybe your not actually welcome in London

amdublin

Do you want to go or not? From what you've posted it doesn't sound like you do.

Just send a RSVP saying you won't be attending

HildaOgdenx

CBear1993 wrote: »

Thanks for all of your contributions. Common theme seems to be to deal with it simply and politely, which I will. You learn a lot from writing / typing something out and getting feedback from strangers with different perspectives.

Thank you.

Fair dues, OP.
I think that's the best thing to do.

FWIW, I see what you mean about things being one-sided. I have had situations like that, and the remains of the friendship dies off once you stop making the effort. That is what is most likely to happen.
Friendships do evolve as circumstances change, and they do require effort at times, to keep in touch. It gets tiresome if you are the one always making the effort.

Wish him well, and leave it at that.

BnB

CBear1993 wrote: »

.... it was actually his younger brother I was best friends with first, and still am, who is closer to my age.

I'd agree with the general gist of the posts here so far. If you're not bothered, just don't go.

But just a small thing to consider. If the groom and his friends are a bit of a dose, and you're still good friends with the brother, then maybe the brother is kind of counting on you traveling so that he has someone to hang out with. In fact, it may even have been the brother that looked for you to be asked in the first place for that reason.

So you might want to have a chat with him to see if he'd mind you dropping out.

Not saying that's the way it is, but just something to consider

Tork

If I remember the OP's more detailed first post, the brother is abroad and won't be there.

lainey_d_123

testestfeb2020a wrote: »

You sound full of undue resentment. It's a bad look for you for your own sake, firstly if nothing else.

And it actually sounds like your friend still makes more effort than you're giving credit for. coming in and out for special occasions within 24hrs isn't necessarily everyone's idea of taking the easy way out - people have busy lives and travelling that much within a short timeframe is way less enjoyable than staying a while longer, so he's possibly putting himself out even more than you'd like to believe.

Step back and have a hard look at why you yourself resent this guy and where his life has gone.

Probably make your apologies to politely decline, neither of you need to be keeping up that unfulfilling kind of relationship tbh. Nobody owes anyone anything, life's too short for that outlook.

100% this. Nothing worse than being flat out busy and spending a load of money and stress to get to an important event and then have people b*tching that you didn't do enough.

You sound like a typical left-behind begrudger, OP. Resentful that your friend has moved on and changed. There's nothing wrong with making new friends and being closer to them - in fact, it's probably healthier to do that in your twenties than blindly cling to your friends from 'home' just because you're from the same place. It doesn't make him a bad person to be busy or have new friends or different priorities to you.

KiKi III

I think you’re being a little harsh on him. It’s hard to balance a new life abroad with maintaining friendships back home. It’s hard to blend an old life with your new one.

He wants you there or he wouldn’t have invited you. He stays in touch via WhatsApp. He’s flown in for special occasions.

If I was you I’d skip the stag but make the effort for the wedding. He’ll most likely only get married once. You don’t have to do the four days. Do the wedding and the day after maybe.

beauf

Personally I'd just mirror what he has done. Nothing more.

Pistachio19

I'd simply send a pre printed decline card without explanation. No need to make excuses or even get into the actual reasons you don't want to go.