My room is a mess and I can't find a way out

Gwen Cooper

Feel like I need to write this down after reading the Hoarders thread in AH.

I went through a severe emotional trauma last year. Basically between December 2018 and around October/November 2019 I was functioning in pure survival mode. Wake up -> Go to work -> Get home -> Eat -> Sleep -> Repeat was my routine. I wouldn't leave the bed at the weekend. Shower maybe twice a week. Getting up and doing the shopping was unthinkable, so I was pretty much just eating takeaways. I was ashamed of this and would stay in my room. Imagine one year worth of takeaway boxes/papers/bags accumulated on the floor. I couldn't walk around my room, so I shifted it under the bed, but it didn't take long for another takeaway tower to grow on the floor.

I started "waking up" from this towards the end of last year, I think it was early November. It's not just takeaway rubbish. It's candy wrappings, empty crisps bags, mixed with dirty laundry that got buried in it over time. It's an absolute nightmare.

When I start going through it, I can be cleaning for an hour and it doesn't budge. It just looks like nothing has been done. I usually end up breaking down over the hopelessness of the situation and spend another few weeks in the survival mode, before I start waking up again.

I've been in touch with a company that would clean the room for me, after sending them the pictures they quoted me about €350-400. No way I can afford that.

My bed broke recently, and I support two missing legs with piles of books. It's extremely uncomfortable to sleep on, I'm afraid of turning around at night because I'm afraid that the other two legs will collapse as well. I want to get a new bed but I can't until the space under this bed is cleared.

I can't afford paying the cleaners, can't afford getting a skip, and I'm emotionally unable to go through with the cleaning. The only thing I have going in my life is my job - it's the last thing that gives me some sort of a routine. I often stay in the office for hours after I finish because I don't want to go back home.

Right now I manage to throw out one big black bag of rubbish every two weeks when the bins are getting collected. Can't fit anything else into the bin as there are four adults living in my house so the bin is pretty full after two weeks.

I'm terrified that someone from the agency will come for an inspection, they haven't been in the house for nearly three years now, so it can happen at any moment. Some of my close friends know about this and offered that they'll come to my house and help, which does sound like a good idea and a cheap solution, but I would rather die than letting them see what it actually looks like in my room (Not just an expression, I get panic attacks/suicidal just thinking about them seeing it).

I feel trapped with no way out of this. Whatever solution I can think of turns out to be not doable for me.

I just needed to write it down somewhere and this is a good place, but if anyone can think of anything I haven't thought of yet, I'd be eternally grateful.

DaeryssaOne

That must be very hard for you OP and I hope you're doing better now and not just in 'survival mode' as you say.
I don't have some fantastic cure to the problem but would you consider timing yourself to do 20 minutes of cleaning up every evening over the space of a few weeks/months?
I understand it must be overwhelming to try and tackle all at once but if you set a timer on your phone and just cleaned one little bit at a time.
It might take weeks or months to fully finish but at least you wouldn't just stop after an hour and let it all build up again.

nothing

What about hiring someone to come help for an hour or two a week, and take whatever rubbish you clear with them to your local dump? It might take some time to get it all cleared, but it would spread the cost and avoid the shame of a friend. Maybe after a few weeks it might be reasonable enough to get a friend to clear the last few bits, or even to have it already bagged and do a run to the dump without them seeing what any of the rubbish is?

I'm trying to figure out a way to get on top of an apartment disaster, like you it's too expensive to do in one go, too shameful to let friends near.

Gwen Cooper

Gwen Cooper wrote: »

Feel like I need to write this down after reading the Hoarders thread in AH.

I went through a severe emotional trauma last year. Basically between December 2018 and around October/November 2019 I was functioning in pure survival mode. Wake up -> Go to work -> Get home -> Eat -> Sleep -> Repeat was my routine. I wouldn't leave the bed at the weekend. Shower maybe twice a week. Getting up and doing the shopping was unthinkable, so I was pretty much just eating takeaways. I was ashamed of this and would stay in my room. Imagine one year worth of takeaway boxes/papers/bags accumulated on the floor. I couldn't walk around my room, so I shifted it under the bed, but it didn't take long for another takeaway tower to grow on the floor.

I started "waking up" from this towards the end of last year, I think it was early November. It's not just takeaway rubbish. It's candy wrappings, empty crisps bags, mixed with dirty laundry that got buried in it over time. It's an absolute nightmare.

When I start going through it, I can be cleaning for an hour and it doesn't budge. It just looks like nothing has been done. I usually end up breaking down over the hopelessness of the situation and spend another few weeks in the survival mode, before I start waking up again.

I've been in touch with a company that would clean the room for me, after sending them the pictures they quoted me about €350-400. No way I can afford that.

My bed broke recently, and I support two missing legs with piles of books. It's extremely uncomfortable to sleep on, I'm afraid of turning around at night because I'm afraid that the other two legs will collapse as well. I want to get a new bed but I can't until the space under this bed is cleared.

I can't afford paying the cleaners, can't afford getting a skip, and I'm emotionally unable to go through with the cleaning. The only thing I have going in my life is my job - it's the last thing that gives me some sort of a routine. I often stay in the office for hours after I finish because I don't want to go back home.

Right now I manage to throw out one big black bag of rubbish every two weeks when the bins are getting collected. Can't fit anything else into the bin as there are four adults living in my house so the bin is pretty full after two weeks.

I'm terrified that someone from the agency will come for an inspection, they haven't been in the house for nearly three years now, so it can happen at any moment. Some of my close friends know about this and offered that they'll come to my house and help, which does sound like a good idea and a cheap solution, but I would rather die than letting them see what it actually looks like in my room (Not just an expression, I get panic attacks/suicidal just thinking about them seeing it).

I feel trapped with no way out of this. Whatever solution I can think of turns out to be not doable for me.

I just needed to write it down somewhere and this is a good place, but if anyone can think of anything I haven't thought of yet, I'd be eternally grateful.

I can sympathize.

Do you live in Dublin?

Gwen Cooper

Hi all, thanks for your replies so far. I am currently doing the whole bit-by-bit thing, but as I said, I can only get rid of one black bag every two weeks, so it's taking really, really long. It feels hopeless though. Even if you take three full bags of rubbish away, it still looks the same. I think the only solution for me would be doing it all at once, which is why I wanted to get the cleaners or the skip. I always say that I'm going to do a reasonably big clean over the weekend, but then I stay in bed, it's like I'm unable to push myself to get up unless my job is on the line.

I thought I'm getting better but I started noticing that I'm isolating myself again, ignoring calls and texts, I even started turning up late for work, which would be unthinkable at any point in my life until now, so I feel I'm falling into it again.

I'm in Cork city.

zapper55

Drilling it down, the cleaning part doesnt sound like your biggest problem as filling a black bag of rubbish is great progress considering how much of a struggle it was in the past so well done for doing that. That takes guts to face it.

How about asking a friend with a car to help you bring your rubbish to your nearest dump? You could pile a few bags high with rubbish and bring it out to their car so they'd never have to see your room. Maybe clear it with your housemates in advance that you'd have a few black bags in the hallway for a day or two if there isnt enough space in your room for them.

I dont know where you are in the country but look at the website of your local city/county council to find the nearest one. Most are open Saturdays and Sundays.

As an example the dump in Ballymount Dublin only costs €15 for a full car load.

https://sdcc.ie/en/services/environment/recycling-and-waste/recycling-centres/

zapper55

I see your post about being in Cork city, slightly different pricing, €5 a bag but still not bad.

http://www.corkcity.ie/en/council-services/services/environment/civic-amenity-site-recycling/

Also as you feel you are slipping back into your old ways would you have a chat with your doctor?

I'm a bit like you in that I need to be under severe pressure to get a job done (work or non work related). Its something I am working on as for me it's a fear of not doing something perfectly. I need to let go of that.

SusieBlue

It sounds like this is severely impacting your mental health, and you aren't going to feel better until your surroundings are clear. It must be causing you constant anxiety to be living in such conditions, I can only imagine how stressful that is. You have my sincere sympathies.

Would you consider taking out a credit card or getting a small loan to cover the cost of the cleaners? I know it might sound drastic but you can't continue to live like this and your mental health isn't going to improve until its resolved.

Get the room professionally cleaned, you could pick up a second hand bed frame relatively cheaply on adverts/donedeal, get some new bedding and then you will really be able to focus on getting yourself mentally well again.
You'll have more motivation in general when the pressure of getting this done isn't hanging over you any more.

LegacyUser

If you go to Cork City dump, you can dispose of a car full of domestic waste for €20. If you have a car, you’re sorted. Otherwise I bet one of the friends who’d like to help clean might have one you could use?

Could you sign up for GoCar and rent a car yourself?

An online resource that is very understanding of mental health issues is “Un**** Your Habitat”. It used to post before-and-afters on Tumblr.

One thing that used to help me get in the mood when I needed to clean but desperately didn’t want to was watching other people do it - you could try YouTubeing old episodes of Kim and Aggie, or watching Mrs Hinch’s instastories. It may not work for you but I find if I’m feeling too discouraged to start 5 minutes of watching other people clean makes me want to get started!

El_Duderino 09

If friends offered to help, then take them up on their offer. If they can get a car then you could take the stuff to a dump.

Take everything out of the room to start with. This will save you from shuffling things around the room as you sort through. Then bag up the rubbish and compact it as best you can. Only put things back in the room that you actually need.

Do you think a few carloads would be enough to clear the rubbish?

caff

Would a skip bag be big enough, cheaper than a skip http://www.skippobag.ie/
Few different companies offer them

Boozybooze

I really think you are overthinking this OP and know it can be difficult.

What you need to do is put every piece of rubbish in your room into black bags and have it ready to go. Not just a bag at a time but every piece of rubbish.

When this is done there is plenty of people in Cork who will collect all the rubbish via a van for 80 labour( maybe 50 euro for some)and 5 euro a bag. Just Google this and tons of options come up. Just get a price before hand. You can surely afford this if you are ordering take away every night.

I'm not sure if your carpet or hardwood but rent a steam cleaner for the carpet a few weeks down the line or just give the hardwood floor a good mop.

It will take one day of effort and will have your room back.

With regards ordering takeaways get a months worth of meat and freeze it and plenty of frozen veg and pasta with sauce.

Best of luck OP but you need to stand on your own two feet to get this sorted.

Boozybooze

Just too add to my above post if you can't afford the 150 to get rid of all the rubbish this week do it next week.

But the most important thing is getting them into black bags to be ready to be taken away. Get it done tonight.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I’ve every sympathy for what you are going through. I too have been going through this for the last few years. It’s so debilitating and isolating. I understand the stress it brings day to day along with the guilt and shame. I think you’re brilliant to address it, you’re taking small steps and they will eventually add up. While it may feel like you are getting nowhere, you are! Well done, keep it up and try focus on the positives you’ve achieved. I have full admiration for what you’ve started, I hope I too can follow you’re example.

Good luck and take care

HildaOgdenx

Nothing much to add to previous advice. I think it's best to just pack the bags, don't try to go through stuff, just pack it all up.

Even if you have a room full of filled refuse sacks it sounds like it would be better than what you have at present. Then if you don't have a means of transportation, ask a friend to bring them to a civic amenity/ dump.

Alternatively as has been suggested, get a local service to take them there. (Make sure they are a properly accredited service).

I'd also say you should try to see your GP for advice/ help, especially as you are aware that you are beginning to isolate yourself, staying in bed all weekend and turning up late for work.

Mind yourself.

Bunny Colvin

Get a mask, gloves and some bin liners. Start balling all the rubbish into the bags. Get on the phone to someone to collect the rubbish. Deep clean the room afterwards with bleach.

Get it sorted OP, a few hours will do it. It's really all in your head.

Faith

Boozybooze wrote: »

I really think you are overthinking this OP and know it can be difficult.

What you need to do is put every piece of rubbish in your room into black bags and have it ready to go. Not just a bag at a time but every piece of rubbish.

Completely agree with this. You may not be able to put everything into the bin, but bagging it all up is a good first step. Do that first, and that will give you some headspace to figure out how to get rid of it all. Once it’s all bagged up, friends may be able to help you bring it to the dump without them needing to know what’s in it - you could always tell them you had a big spring clean or something.

splinter65

Don’t have any practical advice but I just want to offer you my deepest sympathy. I totally know how you are feeling right now.

qwerty13

I’d limit it to 10 mins each evening. Throw out everything you can in a timed fast blitz. I know you say re only being able to put refuse out for collection every 2 weeks - but spent the short 10 mins each night. So what if you gather bags ready for refuse in your room. That might also make it easier to ask a friend to help you to get rid of stuff, ie a lift to a dump.

C3PO

Hi OP
Firstly, my heart goes out to you - I know how sometimes things can get on top of you and the task seems too daunting to even start!
I really think that you need you first need to address your state of mind before the mess in your room. Frankly you sound like you are probably suffering from depression and need to get some medical help. Make an appointment today and go and see your GP.
On a practical level, I would be very surprised if there is not a service in Cork that would collect 5-6 black bags of rubbish at a time for a charge (there certainly is in Dublin). Fill one black bag a day and have them collected at the end of a week when you get paid. If you have only one room, I would imagine that the room could be clean within 4-6 weeks?
But really, as I suggested above, your GP should be your first priority.

ted1

Op just do it in one go. If you can’t get a car , get a skip bag.

Do you have family who can help. you seem to be reaching out for help. Don’t be afraid to ask.

With regards the bed. look for a local free waste group on Facebook. There’s several around me and people get rid of lots of good items for free. Often they may be moving, or looking to replace a double bed fir a single vice versa.

MintyMagnum

You could try cjm furniture for the bed

seamus

Others here have given you the best suggestions to run with tbh. You say that you spend an hour filling a black sack and then give up. That says to me two things; 1. You're agonising over everything before you put it in the sack (you can fill a black sack in ten minutes), and 2. you're not spending long enough at this to make a dent in it.

The best suggestion here is to get everything packed up in one go. Filling a single black sack every week to throw in the bin is pointless.

Go out today, and buy yourself a box of latex gloves and a roll of black sacks.

Get up tomorrow morning and resolve to spend the entire day cleaning. You don't have anything else to do tomorrow.

Step 1, is rough sorting. What this means is that you separate things into categories without looking at each individual item. Sorting out the hoard moves slowly when you look at everything to decide whether you need it. So remove that question from your life. You're not making that decision right now, you're not disposing of anything, all you're doing is grouping your stuff into categories.

So, all rubbish goes into a black sack, ALL clothes go into another (regardless of their condition), ALL books into another, all magazines into another, and so forth. Don't look at anything to decide what to do wth it next, just stick it in the sack. The only exception here is stuff that you KNOW that you use on a daily basis. just put that back where it's supposed to go. Or throw it on the bed.

By the end of this, you have a room with no crap strewn about the place, just 5-10 black sacks in the corner of the room.

That's the hardest part over with. Now you have some headspace to breathe. Clean the room, dust the place, sweep/hoover/wash the floor.

Step 2 is sorting out the black sacks. But since they've been categorised, you have a lot more freedom. There's no urgency. The rubbish bags can go in the bin (every two weeks if you want). You can spend one Saturday washing all the clothes. Sunday sorting out the books into keep/donate/bin piles. The next Saturday sorting magazines. And so forth.

If you have one good friend that you would trust with your life, them I would strongly advise getting them to help you with step 1. But if you absolutely can't, then at least you won't feel ashamed by letting them help with step 2; Your room will be clean, you just need help sorting out your clutter.

I say there's no urgency, but that's not strictly true. You can't just leave the black sacks there and ignore them. They need to be dealt with, but you can take them one at a time.

Otherwise in six months time you'll have a room full of crap again AND 5-10 black sacks underneath it.

LegacyUser

Seamus is pretty much spot on.

I think the best thing is to do this all in one go, and that will most likely involve letting someone in, which I understand is a giant step for you to take, you might feel a sense of shame about how things have gotten but like you said yourself, this was the result of a severe emotional trauma; its entirely understandable. Some people in similar situations turn to alcohol, some lash out at people, people can turn to unorthodox or destructive coping mechanisms, it happens all the time, and it's perfectly normal.

I really feel this needs to be done in one go. The problem with doing it bit by bit is it is part of a vicious cycle, the mess makes you feel crap, feeling crap leads to behaviour which adds to the mess, which makes you feel crap, and you risk being trapped in that cycle if you don't get rid of it all in one go.

It wouldn't solve all your problems, as you'd still have to address the issues that led to the mess in the first place, but it would be a great start.

I'm sorry for what you've been going through and I wish you the best of luck.

Emme

OP you spend extra time at work because you don't want to come home to a mess and that's understandable.

Do any of your friends have cars? If so ask them to bring black sacks to the refuse centre for you. Buy 2 or 3 rolls of heavy duty black sacks and spend the weekend filling them up. Once that's done get your friend to take them to the refuse centre but be sure you know what hours they're open.

Apart from the rubbish issue, if there are 4 adults in your house why did they not try to help you when things were really bad? Maybe my friends and I were nosey when we did houseshares in the 1990s/early 2000s but there is no way we would have allowed anyone in a house share to let themselves get so low.

Once you get the rubbish cleared and your room cleaned you can work towards getting a new bed and you will have space on your floor to follow a yoga or pilates video.

Graces7

C3PO wrote: »

Hi OP
Firstly, my heart goes out to you - I know how sometimes things can get on top of you and the task seems too daunting to even start!
I really think that you need you first need to address your state of mind before the mess in your room. Frankly you sound like you are probably suffering from depression and need to get some medical help. Make an appointment today and go and see your GP.
On a practical level, I would be very surprised if there is not a service in Cork that would collect 5-6 black bags of rubbish at a time for a charge (there certainly is in Dublin). Fill one black bag a day and have them collected at the end of a week when you get paid. If you have only one room, I would imagine that the room could be clean within 4-6 weeks?
But really, as I suggested above, your GP should be your first priority.

This; sensible and compassionate and realistic. The OP is not as strong and well as folk here. I too know this feeling and how such a situation can develop and be totally overwhelming. Even now I have to take care; this with me is physical illness but the principal is the same. Just gets overwhelming and panics.

Op please see your GP as a matter of priority? Call Citizens info re services to remove rubbish and get that help?

Vincent de paul will probably help re the bed.

sunshinew

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I'm currently going to counselling due to other family matters but my messiness/lack of self worth/lack of motivation/wearing a mask outside/fear of intimacy and people seeing the real me and my mess, is something that comes up a bit! The majority of people that know me, bar a couple of close friends I've lived with or family, would think i was totally "on it" and organised.

Little things I found that help me stay on top of things in the long run for me are:

Easy access storage:
I've boxes with fold up attached magnetic lids. I've assigned one for paper receipts, one for skin care, one for make up etc. so I can just dump things in there and then sort them individually when I need to.
Shoe boxes in my drawers - one for socks, one for tights, one for belts etc.
Hangers and hooks everywhere I can put them.
I've a large bag in my bedroom for recycling and another for rubbish so they can be taken straight out.

I set aside two hours every Saturday morning for cleaning to stay on top of it. It's unbelievable how messy it can get in a week! Recently I've started listening to the Life coach school podcast with Brooke Castillo on spotify while I clean. They tend to be about 20-25 minutes long and I feel like I'm being even more productive and it's somewhat entertaining. She talks a lot about motivation, thoughts creating feelings, setting goals etc. a wee bit too "american positivity" but i feel i need the extra help!

Hope the above advice helps. I know how hard it is when people's advice is to "just do it". It can feel like climbing Everest sometimes to just put on a wash for me. Maybe breaking it down and starting one corner at a time might help.

Boozybooze

Do the housemates get the stink coming from your room or do you lock the room so no one knows

redfox123

Boozybooze wrote: »

Do the housemates get the stink coming from your room or do you lock the room so no one knows

Yes this is what struck me when you said you live with people, surely they get the smell? Although perhaps you don’t get it anymore because you live in it all the time.
I lived with someone like the OP, a good friend actually, and I had no idea until I lived with them a while how bad they let their room get. She never let anyone in the room but the smell every time I passed was so bad. One day I had to go in because she had left a straightener on and my god it was similar to the OPs (but maybe not as bad), plates pushed under the bed, unwashed clothes piled high, takeaways everywhere. I offered to help because I was genuinely concerned for her health. She declined and eventually moved out as she couldn’t afford the rent.
I think if you have a good friend OP I would advise asking for help with lifts, if you’re too embarrassed to have them come in just ask them to wait outside and you bring the bags down. Once that’s done the cleaning will be a bit easier and you can do a bit a day. A friend will want to help. You don’t have to fork out for a cleaner.

lainey_d_123

Emme wrote: »

OP you spend extra time at work because you don't want to come home to a mess and that's understandable.

Do any of your friends have cars? If so ask them to bring black sacks to the refuse centre for you. Buy 2 or 3 rolls of heavy duty black sacks and spend the weekend filling them up. Once that's done get your friend to take them to the refuse centre but be sure you know what hours they're open.

Apart from the rubbish issue, if there are 4 adults in your house why did they not try to help you when things were really bad? Maybe my friends and I were nosey when we did houseshares in the 1990s/early 2000s but there is no way we would have allowed anyone in a house share to let themselves get so low.

Once you get the rubbish cleared and your room cleaned you can work towards getting a new bed and you will have space on your floor to follow a yoga or pilates video.

Some people are just c*nts. I went through a similar thing about 6 years ago after a breakup of a very long relationship. Sank into a major depression and was similar to OP (not to the same extent). Couldn't keep on top of cleaning or cooking, room full of dirty mugs and takeaway boxes and clothes on the floor. Flatmate went into my room without permission to look for something, then shamed me later that evening in front of all the flatmates, about what a state my room was, and how could I let it get that bad? Some people are honestly lacking in any tact or empathy...it's incredible.

OP, I don't have much advice other than I agree with those saying blast it all in one go. Just get it done, whatever way you need to. Ask friends, hire a service, just get everything into black bags and get the room fully cleaned, as a starting point. Then you can work on developing good habits on a daily/weekly basis to ensure it doesn't happen again, but for now, I'd just take this entire weekend, get everything into bags, and get rid of it by the end of next weekend.

martyc5674

Anyone here in Cork that would help this boardsie out?
I think an anonymous helping hand would do the world of good for the OP, restore their faith etc.
He/she might be embarrassed having a friend/relative give them a dig out.
A few hours and you’d have your space back and you will feel instantly better.

But I do agree with others that your overthinking it.
Make a start, bag the lot be ruthless then figure out a way of getting rid.

Maybe a day off work when housemates are at work might be ideal to get rid without them getting involved etc.