Single guy looking for advice

LegacyUser

Hi I will try keep this short as possible.

I am a 32 year old guy who is single and to be honest it is starting to play on my mind a lot especially seeing nearly every friend settling down,buying houses getting married etc.

I get asked quite a lot " how are you single" by people and told quite a few times I am good looking guy and I don't want to sound stupid but it nearly makes things worse as i am very hard on myself.

I have job in the fitness industry and in the last 4 years i have done really well in terms of my work life,i built a really good reputation in my job,i moved out of the family home a few years ago and i am renting now,so in the last few years i have done a lot of productive things but i still never feel enough if that makes sense.

i never tend to go for women that i really like as i do think they could do better or if they knew about my upbringing they wouldn't want to know me.

I grew up with 2 alcholic my parents,with my dad being really bad,i never had normal social events like the ones my friends had, as in birthday partys,people over to the house etc.Stuff like this always plays on my mind and i do think that a girl from a healthy family wouldn't want to know.My dad passed away 10 years ago now. we never really had a home were i could bring someone, because there was always chaos in the house.

Would this kind of past put someone off or am i overthinking it.

Thanks for reading

zapper55

I'm female and only a few years older than you and in no way would it put me off. If anything it would make me think how strong you were to make something of yourself after that.

But unless you believe in yourself and have pride in what you've achieved then you are never going to believe someone else would be interested. Maybe I missed it but have you had counselling to help?

nkl12xtw5goz70

OP, you sound like a stable, focused person and have done a good job of building an independent life for yourself. You're a relatively young man at 32, and there are plenty of single women in your age group who want the same things you do.

But from what you post, it sounds like feelings of inadequacy continue to haunt you and make you feel undeserving of love. Children of alcoholics often don't get enough emotional support in childhood, and become accustomed to living in "survival mode," just trying to get from one day to the next in a dysfunctional environment. They may find it difficult to open up, trust others, and develop healthy relationships later in life.

You might benefit from counselling to process what you went through. Then, you need to develop the confidence that you can approach a woman you like without feeling ashamed of your past. Remember that she doesn't know about any of that. She will look at the person you are today, not at what your childhood was like.

Best of luck, OP.

IAMAMORON

When you initially meet girls for dates try not to mention your parents. That really is an issue you have and you need to get a solution for.

Girls dating will be interested in having a good time and seeing what you are like. They certainly will not want to sit and listen to you moan about your childhood. Believe. Don't bring it up until any relationship develops, certainly not when you are dating, they will run a mile. When dating women want to know about your interests not your problems.

Get some counselling for your childhood issues, alcoholism is a major problem in Ireland there is help for all its victims, primary and secondary.

Get out there and meet girls. You are only 32, loads of time. Get some new clobber and hit the town. Enjoy yourself, what is the worst that can happen?

SusieBlue

OP I think you are gravely underestimating how sympathetic Irish people are to addiction issues. Whether its alcohol, drugs, or gambling, pretty much everyone knows someone who has been effected by it. Addiction issues don't discriminate, they effect the wealthy, the poor, the middle earners, and all different types of people & families.
Its in every family across the country, even if its not an immediate close relative. It sounds like you had a tough childhood but I guarantee you that won't stop you from settling down with the right girl.

You are not inadequate and you are worthy. Everyone has baggage, no matter how "normal" and "successful" they seem, everyone is carrying some sort of hurt or trauma with them. Try to remember that the next time you meet someone you perceive to be too good for you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say that as a 33 year old single woman, I completely understand feeling insecure about relationship status. But, I would feel incredibly proud if my bf had a less than ideal background and still did very well for himself, that's no small achievement (no matter what your childhood was like).

It would not put me off in the slightest!

We all have our insecurities, don't worry. The important thing is to not let them hold you back from living a fulfilled and happy life.

I'm sure your future gf will think you are the best thing ever

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

I read the replies earlier in work and it really gave me a boost to hear that it wouldn't put someone off, zapper 55 I never thought someone would see it that way but it's great to hear.

if I am out on dates I wouldn't mention it to the person, I never really talked about it to friends who I know 15 years, obviously they know about it. by seen my father etc falling in drunk when I was younger etc but I never brought it up really.

I went to counselling for about 5 session two years ago and it helped, I should really keep it up. It's refreshing hearing other peoples opinions.

Church on Tuesday

acoa wrote: »

Hi I will try keep this short as possible.

I am a 32 year old guy who is single and to be honest it is starting to play on my mind a lot especially seeing nearly every friend settling down,buying houses getting married etc.

I get asked quite a lot " how are you single" by people and told quite a few times I am good looking guy and I don't want to sound stupid but it nearly makes things worse as i am very hard on myself.

I have job in the fitness industry and in the last 4 years i have done really well in terms of my work life,i built a really good reputation in my job,i moved out of the family home a few years ago and i am renting now,so in the last few years i have done a lot of productive things but i still never feel enough if that makes sense.

i never tend to go for women that i really like as i do think they could do better or if they knew about my upbringing they wouldn't want to know me.

I grew up with 2 alcholic my parents,with my dad being really bad,i never had normal social events like the ones my friends had, as in birthday partys,people over to the house etc.Stuff like this always plays on my mind and i do think that a girl from a healthy family wouldn't want to know.My dad passed away 10 years ago now. we never really had a home were i could bring someone, because there was always chaos in the house.

Would this kind of past put someone off or am i overthinking it.

Thanks for reading

OP loads of men your age are single, loads of women too. I'm the same age as you and currently single.

You are the same. Currently single. This will not always be the case.

You have made a good life for yourself and have a successful good job. You should be proud of that.

Continue to grow and develop your work, stick to your goals in life and the rest will naturally follow because, quite frankly, women can/will see you as a catch, I bet they already do. It is extremely attractive.

Don't be afraid to chat to a woman you see on a night out or whatever. If she's interested great, if not simply move onto the other one.

And as a side note and I'm sure you know this yourself, not everyone in a relationship is happy; pass no heed of the FB or Instagram updates. You see what they allow you to see. We've all done it.

Continue to enjoy the life you have earned.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

it's great to hear that it can be seen as a strength and not baggage. I never really looked at it like that.

dates wise I would never bring my parents history or upbringing up,i wouldn't have brought it up much with friends I know 15 years to be honest.

I have went to counselling about 2 years ago for 5 or 6 sessions and it was really good,maybe I should look into going again.

some really good advice on here

SmallgirlBigcity

I'm a female about your age and wouldn't say you should never speak about your past on dates. I'm a pretty honest person and I value honesty and openness in people. Maybe it's just me but if I met a guy I liked and after a few dates he mentioned his past, I wouldn't be shocked or put off at all. It would encourage me to speak about any issues in my past.

Obviously getting upset or bringing it up early on probably isn't advisable but don't feel you shouldn't speak about it after a few dates either.

Believe in yourself more. If a woman is put off by something like this then she's not the type of person I'd want to be with anyway. Everyone has a past and you'll find that most people have something sad that happened to them. You sound like a lovely person with a lot going for them so best of luck with the dating. I find that one of the most attractive qualities in a person is if they have dealt with their past, grown and matured from it and is happy in their own skin. This isn't easy but if you can achieve this, it'll really help. Hope this advice helps!

Dog day

Hi OP, your past is a huge part of who you are as it is with all of us & the right person will embrace that, not run from it. You sound like a lovely guy who is open to meeting someone.

Try not to over analyse, focus on yourself & what you have to offer but don’t forget relationships are a two way street. Know the qualities you want in a future partner too, I’d hazard we all want to be with someone kind, understanding & interested in us, all of us, both past & present.

When you find someone special you’ll know it & that’s when you look to the future...together.

Good luck in life & love. All will be well.

Skibunny77

Op, please read Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It is a beautiful and pratical book for children who grew up with addiction in their family life. It will really open your eyes to the sense of shame you have brought into your adult life and helps you free yourself from it. Returning to counselling is also a no brainer if you found it helpful in the past. The only things holding you back are those in your internal world, your own thoughts and feelings. You sound so lovely, just don't sell yourself short!

Cath54

Another book recommendation. Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz

Church on Tuesday

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

You are the same. Currently single. This will not always be the case.

Ah come on, how can you possibly know this. There are many, many people who have always remained single into middle and old age; you can probably count at least 10 of your family / work colleagues / neighbours.

And the number of single people, especially men, is on the increase.

OP, don't let it get you down; you're not the only person in this position and try to remain positive while keeping your eyes open.

But equally, you have to be willing to accept and be happy with a single life also and its own advantages that brings.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses,

I have read them all a few times and it has giving me a good boost, I am after ordering the 2 book recommendations and am listening to a few youtube videos of John bradshaw,i can relate to a lot what he was saying.

appreciate it.

Church on Tuesday

salonfire wrote: »

Ah come on, how can you possibly know this. There are many, many people who have always remained single into middle and old age; you can probably count at least 10 of your family / work colleagues / neighbours.

And the number of single people, especially men, is on the increase.

OP, don't let it get you down; you're not the only person in this position and try to remain positive while keeping your eyes open.

But equally, you have to be willing to accept and be happy with a single life also and its own advantages that brings.

How can you possibly know that this won't be the case?