Human Resources & Bereavement

Dagenham Dave

I recently lost my much loved Father-In-Law very suddenly.

To say I'm devastated would be a massive understatement but I'm back at work and doing my best to move on.

It's been tough but my colleagues have been amazing.

However, things took a really upsetting turn this week following a conversation with one of the HR team who asked me why I was off.

I explained what had happened and she responded by smirking and saying 'ach, sure it's just a father-in-law'

I was beyond shocked. Not just at the attitude but by the fact that it was from an HR professional.

Naturally I was very upset and my manager noticed..I said it was nothing but a colleague explained what they had just witnessed.

I have attempted to raise it with HR and flag what happened but they said she told them she was sorry and regretted it and they will pay for some counselling.

It just doesn't seem right though, it's as if they have turned a blind eye to really nasty behaviour.

Anyone experienced anything like this?

Rows Grower

Dagenham Dave wrote: »

I recently lost my much loved Father-In-Law very suddenly.

To say I'm devastated would be a massive understatement but I'm back at work and doing my best to move on.

It's been tough but my colleagues have been amazing.

However, things took a really upsetting turn this week following a conversation with one of the HR team who asked me why I was off.

I explained what had happened and she responded by smirking and saying 'ach, sure it's just a father-in-law'

I was beyond shocked. Not just at the attitude but by the fact that it was from an HR professional.

Naturally I was very upset and my manager noticed..I said it was nothing but a colleague explained what they had just witnessed.

I have attempted to raise it with HR and flag what happened but they said she told them she was sorry and regretted it and they will pay for some counselling.

It just doesn't seem right though, it's as if they have turned a blind eye to really nasty behaviour.

Anyone experienced anything like this?

Maybe she was worried about you and was trying to use her expertise to help you put things in perspective and deal with the situation and you, in your time of turmoil, just thought it was a smirk.

Telly

She made a bad in-law joke and you’re super sensitive at the moment because you’re grieving. I’m sure there was no malice behind it.

Dagenham Dave

Perhaps but it wasn't me that told my manager that the HR rep was smirking and inappropriate.

It was also one of my colleagues who went to the individual and said about how badly handled that was and asked what she thought she was doing

dobman88

HR are there to protect the company and management, not general employees. Tread carefully when dealing with them and making complaints.

Rows Grower

dobman88 wrote: »

HR are there to protect the company and management, not general employees. Tread carefully when dealing with them and making complaints.

The clue is in the name, their function is to make the most of the human resources.

amber2

Sorry for your recent loss. Some people are just like that until it happens to them. I had lost two younger siblings one in their 20’S the other in their 30’s my father was soon after diagnosed with cancer. When I found out at work obviously I was upset, I took myself away for a few Minutes from my front line role, my line manager then appeared and I told her the situation she then proceeded to tell me her father had had the same cancer for years and was perfectly fine so get myself back to my job, my father died in less than 12 months later.

I took bereavement leave from work and never returned and I heard my line managers father died soon after and she had a breakdown.

You meet arsholes in life..... mind you I could probably not forgive her for her remark, concentrate on the good colleagues helpfulness and support at work.

dobman88

Rows Grower wrote: »

The clue is in the name, their function is to make the most of the human resources.

Understand that but the reality is very different. They look out for the best interests of the company. You can disagree but I'm coming at it from personal experience of dealing with HR when against a manager.

I dont want to drag this thread off topic so I'll bow out at that.

Princess Calla

A hr professional is still a person and can make a lapse of judgement.

It was an insensitive thing to say, but they have apologised for it and offered a way to make amends.

When my "FIL" died I had to fight with my manager for the day off to go to the funeral as a compassionate day. His reasoning was I wasn't married, despite me living with my boyfriend and being pregnant at the time,so clearly in a fairly committed relationship. HR policy does clearly state you need to be married, if we were married I would have got 3 days off... Now I'm sure if I had the appetite I could have raised it as discrimination under marital status,tbh I got on very well with his boss so I'm sure if I flagged it with him I would have got the days and extra off, but I just wrote it off as him being a d1ck.

The saying "pick your battles" comes to mind here. Let it go, take them up on counselling if you need it.

Sorry for your loss.

_Brian

Telly wrote: »

She made a bad in-law joke and you’re super sensitive at the moment because you’re grieving. I’m sure there was no malice behind it.

I think this is good advice.

MrsBean

I think what the HR person said is disgusting. Personally I would expect an apology for that. I would want that person to apologise directly to me, not via their colleagues. They are in HR they should know better. It’s not just that you are being sensitive as a result of your grief, it’s simply a horrible and completely inappropriate thing to say, whether it was intended as a joke or not.

The points people have raised about treading carefully with HR are valid however, and if you can move past it without too much friction that is probably the best thing for you now and in the long-term.

Mrs OBumble

In most companies, death of a close relative gets you some extra time off.

But there has to be a line: usually you get it for your spouse, father, mother, child, brother, sister, but you don't get it for your spouses relatives, or for your close friends. Usually.

So for HR "just a XXX" is shorthand for "not close enough to require extra leave". Nothing more. Her smirk probably had more to do with HR budgets than with you, to be honest.

There's a argument that every bereavement should be case-by-case, with extra leave granted if you are actually close to the person who died, no matter what the relationship is. But some people do extract the urine if this is applied. So it's rare to find it applied in real life.

skallywag

I think it was frankly a terrible comment to make, and this person would not last long working in HR where I am now nor where I worked previously.

I would also be extremely pissed off if I was in your position. The fact that she told HR that she was sorry and regretted it is also telling. OK, I can somehow imagine how such a comment could be made, by someone young and inexperienced perhaps, in the moment, and be more less instantly regretted immediately. Having done so though my next step would be going directly to the person in question and apologizing in person to them.

Strumms

There may not have been ‘malice’ behind it but she has no fûcking business cracking jokes about somebody’s recently deceased relative. It’s a pretty sizable lack of judgement, lack of cop on and lack of professionalism, from a professional who should know better. Then again, over my 20 year working career I never really encountered anything other in the profession and position of HR then absolute fûckwits, the job just seems to attract the most untrustworthy and odious individuals. The fact she lacked the judgement and grace in the aftermath to apologize directly to you and the fact that her bosses didn’t insist she did too was scandalous.

salonfire

Strumms wrote: »

There may not have been ‘malice’ behind it but she has no fûcking business cracking jokes about somebody’s recently deceased relative. It’s a pretty sizable lack of judgement, lack of cop on and lack of professionalism, from a professional who should know better. Then again, over my 20 year working career I never really encountered anything other in the profession and position of HR then absolute fûckwits, the job just seems to attract the most untrustworthy and odious individuals. The fact she lacked the judgement and grace in the aftermath to apologize directly to you and the fact that her bosses didn’t insist she did too was scandalous.

You have an unreal bitterness against various companies, bosses and HR managers.

Ever consider you might be the cause and not the others? You are the common denominator.

Rows Grower

salonfire wrote: »

You have an unreal bitterness against various companies, bosses and HR managers.

Ever consider you might be the cause and not the others? You are the common denominator.

That's a fair point.