Wedding Panic - alcohol [Title updated]

LegacyUser

Hi
I have huge alcohol issues and have stayed off wine for 7 months. I miss it so much and have never gotten over the feeling of loss.
His brother is getting married next month and was having a private wedding only (no siblings allowed).
He's now changed his mind and invited us all. I have avoided all weddings and social outings to date but I can't avoid this. It is going to be a living hell for me sitting there watching everyone knocking back the free wine and knowing I can't touch it.
I've explained to my husband that being in situations like this makes me panicky and anxious and while he's supportive, theres not much he can do either.
Has anyone any ideas and how to get through the day?

woodchuck

OP can you not just decline the invitation and let your partner go without you? You shouldn't need an excuse, but if people press you for one, just make something up (e.g. an important work trip that you can't get out of or a weekend away with your family).

Your road to recovery is much more important that this wedding. I'd prioritise your health over everything else. I wouldn't risk falling off the wagon!

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your reply.
The thought did cross my mind to make something up.
His wife to be would think I was being spitful as they didn't invite me first time round (she's like that). Little does she know I was secretly relieved.
I've told my husband I don't want to go, and he says we'll just go for the meal and leave but his family gatherings are never like that!
I wish I could just 'get over it' like most recovering alcoholics.

Katgurl

Don't go. Invent a stomach bug on the day if you feel your brother won't support your decision.

c.p.w.g.w

Katgurl wrote: »

Don't go. Invent a stomach bug on the day if you feel your brother won't support your decision.

Could always use Covid-19 to get outta it

woodchuck

Wedding Panic wrote: »

I've told my husband I don't want to go, and he says we'll just go for the meal and leave but his family gatherings are never like that!
I wish I could just 'get over it' like most recovering alcoholics.

I think you need to have a more serious conversation with your husband and ideally get him on side. Sure there's always wine flowing during the meal! And usually a drinks reception between the ceremony and the meal. Does he have any idea how difficult that is for a recovering alcoholic and how risky it is that you'll start drinking again? Surely he doesn't want that.

Seriously, make up an excuse and just don't attend. If the bride wants to think you're being spiteful, who cares - let her think that if she wants.

And well done, 7 months is a huge achievement! From what I hear, wedding invitations are what recovered alcoholics dread the most. Even ones who are recovered for years. I wouldn't even consider going to a wedding in the first year of your recovery if I was you.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, I thought I might be over-reacting until I read your replies.
I laughed at the coronavirus one, the thought (hope) did cross my mind!!

whiskeyman

You could still go and say your on antibiotics for an infection?
Go for the meal but leave early and avoid the messiness.

Well done by the way.
You're doing great.

mfceiling

Drive. Plain and simple.

Would you like a drink?

7 up please as I'm driving.

Easy!!

JeffKenna

Why don't you go to the ceremony itself. Head away then and do something for an hour or two instead of the drinks reception and come back for the meal then. Bring the car keys with you and head away after the meal?

Irishphotodesk

mfceiling wrote: »

Drive. Plain and simple.

Would you like a drink?

7 up please as I'm driving.

Easy!!

I'm going to guess you don't know anyone who has ever been addicted to anything.

Nothing is "easy" when a person is on the road to recovery, one of my colleagues is a former alcoholic (over 30years since his last drink), I have suffered and continue to suffer with addiction issues (gambling).

OP, if you feel you are not ready to goto this event, do not go, you are aware of the temptation that will be there, you are doing fantastic to get this far - keeping yourself away from scenarios which could lead to temptation... Well done ... Long may it continue.

cannotlogin

Might be worth posting in the non drinkers forum to see if anyone there has encountered similar and could give you more specific advice.

Congrats on the 7 months sober.

Katgurl

mfceiling wrote: »

Drive. Plain and simple.

Would you like a drink?

7 up please as I'm driving.

Easy!!

She's an addict, nothing easy about it.

AulWan

Your recovery is more important then a wedding, well done on your achievement so far.

Would you be able to tell your brother, in confidence the true reason why you don't wish to attend? I can understand if you're not comfortable with that.

If that's not an option, just become "ill" a day or two before.

A friend couldn't attend my wedding for the same reason as you. And a terrible place it would have been for them to attend, with all our other friends going "Oh I can't wait to see them in action, they're mental, haha" etc. I knew why but to everyone else they were sick.

A bad cold should be enough to scare them all into not wanting you there, in today's climate!

Don't go, if you are dreading it anxiously, you will have a very hard time. Your sobriety is far more important than what your sister in law thinks of you.

cj maxx

Don't go to the wedding OP
Your husband seems to be with you ,in getting sober, so have quiet word with him and say , unequivocally, that being around people drinking ,asking you out of politeness " do you want a drink" will be too hard.
It would be so easy too just have one or two. But after, you won't be 7 months sober you'll be starting from scratch again .
You've come too far to slip because of a flipping wedding that they were going to have privately any way.
Get a tummy bug ,cold and screw what the sister in law thinks but don't go if your not up to it

MiliMe

Does your family know that your in recovery? If they do, surely they will understand your reluctance to go.
If they dont, could you tell them? It might help you for them to know regardless of the wedding. Would they be supportive?

Could you go do the actual ceremony then leave early. Your husband could stay if he wanted.

Iodine1

Don't go definitely.
You will come under enormous pressure as pure and simply, people just don't or don't want to understand. You'll get loads off;
"Sure have just one, one never harmed anyone "
Your off 7 months, sure you're grand now, have one!
Don't insult me, you'll have a real drink!
What you mean driving, I've a spare room!
I've bought it now, don't waste it!
It's a wedding for Gods sake, don't be a drip, drink this!
Just take the champagne for the toast!
You have to have something for the toast.
And if you come through all that and more, then they will spike your 7-up, so it's a great joke!!
All above happened.
DON'T GO.

Tork

I think you should give the entire thing a miss because showing up to the ceremony but not the reception will draw attention to you. Depending on where the wedding and the reception will be taking place, dropping you home could be a problem. And maybe your resolve might weaken once you've been at the wedding part of the day. I went to a wedding recently where they handed out flutes of champagne outside the church and then everyone went to the village pub for drinks and finger food. The reception in the hotel happened a few hours after that. This might not happen at this wedding but I'm just pointing out that these things have been known to happen.

I get the impression you don't have a good relationship with your sister in law and that you're putting your sobriety at risk just to keep her sweet. If she is that much of a weapon, it'll be only a matter of time before something else causes a row anyway. If they don't know you're struggling with your addiction, I don't think you should tell them. Instead, just pretend you're sick or something.

TheW1zard

Go to the wedding and not the after party ;-)

neonsofa

Well done on the recovery. I dont have any advice that hasn't been given already. Just wanted to congratulate you.

joe40

Is there any way you could just tell them the reason you can't go. I would imagine dealing with addiction is very difficult and really applaud your attitude here.
Would it be easier if others in your family were aware of what you're going through, rather than having to go through it in secrecy.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Are the wedding and the reception are at different venues? Could you enjoy the wedding to the full, but skip the reception. Surely that would be the ideal compromise?

DaeryssaOne

Hi OP, congrats on your 7 months sobriety, I'm at six months here myself and know it can be hard.
I read a book when I was quitting called 'This Naked Mind' and it completely changed my mindset towards alcohol so much so I don't really have any issues about going to events with alcohol now.
Don't get me wrong I occasionally miss it when I'm watching friends drinking and I definitely don't enjoy being surrounded by drunk people so I'll always exit early when that starts to happen but it's far easier than having to miss events or feeling tortured by it the whole time.

The book really changes your mindset so you can see that alcohol is an addictive substance and you sort of feel sorry for people who are trapped by it. You say the wedding is next month - maybe have a go at reading this soon but after reading it if you still think it would be a risk to your sobriety then you can always pull a sickie.

Be kind to yourself and keep congratulating yourself on how far you've come - think about how much better everything in your life is now that you're sober (I bet like myself you feel emotionally, mentally, physically and financially better over all).
I just have to occasionally remind myself that a glass of a poisonous substance is not worth risking all of those benefits for.

Lastly, if you haven't told many people it can feel a little bit isolating, especially if your husband is still drinking. There are some great online communities that I find comfort in - having a little rant online to strangers can definitely help!

LegacyUser

The people saying she should drive or say shes on antibiotics aren't understanding the OPs issue, its not explaining to people why shes not drinking, she is an addict and fears relapsing after working so hard for several months.

My aunt is several years sober and came to a cousins wedding and had a total freak out in the middle of the meal. Myself and another family member took her out of the room and she called her sponsor at AA and spoke to them for a bit. She came back in for a short while but then went to her hotel room and stayed there for the rest of the evening which was a real shame. She thought she was ok for the wedding and wasn't, you already feel you aren't able for it OP so you will just have to be honest and say you can't go. I wouldn't try coming up with excuses.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for the kind replies.
My family know I'm in recovery but not my husband's family. I don't really want them to know tbh.
Maybe I need to just suck it up. My little boy is having his communion next year so I will be dealing with it all again then!
Regardng the book 'The Naked Mind', I have it on my kindle but never finished it. I will make it my go to reading material this weekend.

mfceiling

Irishphotodesk wrote: »

I'm going to guess you don't know anyone who has ever been addicted to anything.

Nothing is "easy" when a person is on the road to recovery, one of my colleagues is a former alcoholic (over 30years since his last drink), I have suffered and continue to suffer with addiction issues (gambling).

OP, if you feel you are not ready to goto this event, do not go, you are aware of the temptation that will be there, you are doing fantastic to get this far - keeping yourself away from scenarios which could lead to temptation... Well done ... Long may it continue.

Yeah...I've had 2 alcoholic uncles and a close friend addicted to narcotics.

I didn't mean "easy" as in it's easy to stay off the drink. More that it's easy to use "I'm driving" as an excuse not to have a drink. I understand that it is a very difficult situation to be in where you will be surrounded by drink, but if you "have" to drive it's at least a focus point for the OP to help cope with the day in question.
Best of luck OP whatever you choose to do.

DaeryssaOne

Weddingpanic wrote: »

Regardng the book 'The Naked Mind', I have it on my kindle but never finished it. I will make it my go to reading material this weekend.

I hope I don't sound like it brainwashed me or anything but I just found it a really good way to help me *want* to stay sober rather than feeling that I can't enjoy events / nights out again so hopefully it will do the same for you.

I'm with you on not telling the in-laws about it, mine know I'm off drink and I I was on a bit of a health buzz but didn't want to delve into the problems it had been causing me. No need for everyone to know your personal business!

Wedding Panic

Wedding Panic wrote: »

Hi
I have huge alcohol issues and have stayed off wine for 7 months. I miss it so much and have never gotten over the feeling of loss.
His brother is getting married next month and was having a private wedding only (no siblings allowed).
He's now changed his mind and invited us all. I have avoided all weddings and social outings to date but I can't avoid this. It is going to be a living hell for me sitting there watching everyone knocking back the free wine and knowing I can't touch it.
I've explained to my husband that being in situations like this makes me panicky and anxious and while he's supportive, theres not much he can do either.
Has anyone any ideas and how to get through the day?

Sorry Bro, hubby has booked for us to go away that weekend. Sorry! Have a great day!

There's no such thing as can't get out of something.

KiKi III

Hi OP,

I’m six years sober next week and the good news is that this sort of stuff DOES get better with time!

If you feel this will cause you to relapse, just don’t go. It’s not worth it.

However, if you feel you could manage it, implement some coping strategies. Go to the ceremony, but then take some time out between that and the meal for yourself. Don’t hang out with the wedding party, go for a walk with your hubby and have a coffee. Come back for the meal, and stay for the speeches and first dance - then leave.

Have someone you can phone during the day for support. Have a “code word” with your husband that means “we need to leave right now no questions asked”.

Always have a drink in your hand (sparkling water, orange juice) so if anybody offers you can say “oh no, I’m fine with this - thanks a million!”

Lastly, would you consider telling them the truth? I don’t know how close you are, but I think if you’re going to stay sober long term they’ll find out eventually.

You don’t have to use the words “alcoholic” or “drinking problem”. Just say you’re trying not to drink alcohol at the moment and it can be really hard at celebrations like weddings, so you’ll be ducking out early.

KiKi III

I’d also suggest trying to reframe how you think of your sobriety. The sense of loss you’re feeling is normal but you could choose to think of it like this:

- my first big sober occasion - what an achievement, I’m so proud of myself

- I can’t wait to get dressed up and have a day out with my husband knowing I won’t embarrass myself or wake up with a hangover

- I’m so lucky I have a supportive husband who’s going to help me through this day

Etc etc